How to Text Girls: 20 More Tips and Techniques | Girls Chase

How to Text Girls: 20 More Tips and Techniques

how to text girlsIn the article on second dates, Todd comments on a girl he's met and some of the texting they've done between their first date and second, and finishes up with the questions below:

What's the next step? I don't want her to lose interest, but I'm gone for this entire week. We said we'd get together next week once I'm back. Do I just want an entire week before I give her another call/text? I don't want to fall out of her mind.

If you've been around on this site a bit, you know the philosophy on how to text girls here is this:

  • Write your texts simple and to-the-point
  • Don't get mired in long text conversations
  • Keep your eye on the ball (i.e., setting up dates)

You probably even know some of the rationale behind that... if you've ever found yourself in a long, frustrating back-and-forth trying to figure out how on Earth you're going to get this girl you've traded 10,000 text messages with out on a date, you've had an inkling of this already.

But, the temptation may still be strong to enter into some witty text banter, and do a fair amount of "maintenance" texting... after all, no harm can come from being in contact, right?

This post is put together to break you of any remaining predilections you might have for engaging in long / witty / thoughtful text conversations with women, and show you clearly, precisely, and unequivocally why you must focus not on building rapport over text... but on sorting out dating/meeting logistics, and that's it.

Let's dive in.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

GoldenGlory's picture

Hi Chase

Great tips as always. Some really good articles coming out at the moment. (Found the one on victim mentality especially valuable.)

I wonder if you could clarify a couple of points for me.

You say in this article that: 'Most guys just verbally state their interest right away, and kill the intrigue, excitement, and mystery.'

I'm finding this a little difficult to square with your advocacy of direct approaches and not beating around the bush. Does the above quote apply to text messages only?

Also, I'm a little surprised by the second text in your final example. Firstly, the length. Way way longer than I'd expect. You did mention that the first text might have to be a LITTLE bit longer than later texts but still, wow!
Secondly, the fact that you talk about yourself at some length without being prompted.
This text does make me wonder whether I've been taking sprezzatura and not talking about myself to extremes.

Would you mind explaining why the example text is better than the following?:

Hey Sandy, how'd the weekend turn out? Hope the rest of it was as awesome as the beginnings were :) On our bite this week - when's good for you? My schedule's pretty open except Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Let me know what day's best and we'll schedule it up.

Cheers

GG

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Golden,

The difference between direct openers and not beating around the bush and simply laying all your cards out on the table is this: with the one, you're showing interest, but wrapping it up in a veil of tension and intrigue and interest; with the other, you're just dumping your cards out on the table, and it's not terribly alluring.

To get a picture of this, imagine two scenarios: one, in which a beautiful woman in a slinky red dress slides up next to you and whispers, in an incredibly sexy tone, "I think you're very hot," then leans back, stares you in the eyes, and smiles the most alluring smile you've ever seen. Then she leans in again, right up against your ear so that you can feel her breath, and says to you, "Take me somewhere."

And the other, in which a beautiful woman in a slinky red dress walks up to you, stops right in front of your face, and says, in the most matter-of-fact tone she can muster, "I like you and think you're a really attractive guy and I'd like it if you took me on a date and took me home afterwards."

Very different feel, no? That's the difference between directness and intrigue sprinkled in with mystery and allure, versus verbally stated interest with little or nothing left to the imagination about what is to come.

And women are much more sensitive to this than men.

On the lengthy first message: having tested both quite extensively, I found that sacrificing brevity for a message that hits on all the right points is ideal. Though, if it's long, it's GOT to be well-constructed... you want her to start reading it and just breeze right through it, smiling and laughing and anxious to reply back.

The shorter example - if you go back to point #14, and look at the examples, the difference is the lack of sharing. She cannot relate to you if you give her nothing to relate on. If it's just "Question about her, comment about her, question about date, comment about date," it feels like she's being pitched or sold to by some faceless person. On the other hand, when it's "Question about her, comment about her, comment about you, question about date, comment about date," it feels much more akin to the natural flow of a conversation, and she gets far more comfortable and far more likely to say, "Yes, absolutely - let's meet."

In texting, it's sometimes necessary to go longer in order to communicate the right sentiments. Though, use this sparingly... you usually want to follow up a long message with at least a couple of short ones.

Chase

GoldenGlory's picture

Cheers for explaining that Chase, appreciated. I see what you mean now about being direct yet maintaining some intrigue - 'woman A' has some serious game.

I'll also give the long first text a whirl and see how it works out. It's time for me to go back over your stuff on attainability/warmness I think. Might not be the most 'glamorous' material, but I'm really starting to see its importance now I've improved my fundamentals and got in good shape.

GG

Jesse C.'s picture

I already glanced through the headlines, like what I saw... this has been added to my reading list

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jesse, thanks for stopping by! Cool to see you on the site, man.

Honored that I made it onto your reading list. You might need to take a healthy chunk of time out of your schedule to plow through this one though ;)

Chase

The Tool's picture

Excellent article chase. Yea its crazy how women will text you and text you making you believe they want something more. When this happens I send this following text. (hope you think its appropriate) Girl says she is too busy but continues to text "hows it going" "whats up?" but never agreeing to go out.

Girl (for second time) I'm really busy sorry. (no counter offer)
Me. "alright. im a guy with enough experience that I know when a woman is interested in me or just wants me as a plutonic guy friend or texting buddy. And I refuse to be the guy slotted in that area you will have to find someone else for that. I have abundance and dont have time for stuff like this."
Girl. "either responds or doesent"

Thoughts? I know its probibly not needed and I should just drop her and not text her back but I like getting my point across you know?

Cheers. The Tool

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Tool,

I understand the emotion here - it's a bit of giving her her comeuppance. From a pure results standpoint though, I think you'll find this is actually counterproductive - it looks a bit petty. While it can be effective to pick fights with women who are emotionally invested in you to force resolution, women who aren't will simply write you off as dramatic and walk away.

What I find works better in these situations is to text a girl something like, "Hey, seems like you're pretty busy. Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to keep texting you and I'm sure you don't either, so let's just throw this one on ice for now, and you get in touch with me when you're ready to hang out some time. Savvy?"

When you do it in a really cool way like that, this girl, who was previously avoiding you and thinking that you weren't cool enough / attractive enough / compelling enough for her, suddenly has second thoughts. You'll sometimes get a, "Hey, sorry, I've just been blah blah blah. Are you free this weekend?"

It's a good way of calmly / coolly resetting her impression of you and getting her to take action.

Be mindful though, when you meet up with her she's usually on "friendship maintenance mode" - she's only meeting up with you so as not to lose a "friend." You need to pull out some pretty heavy turnaround game, and she requires a lot more work than a girl who's just into you by default.

Most of the time, even when I've had these girls agree to meet me, I end up canceling on them because I don't want to put in the work, personally. Call me lazy...

Chase

The Tool's picture

Ah thanks Chase for the insight. Yea your right, I really do not want to put in the extra work either. So I will just not respond any more.

Lanoa's picture

...but I would say that this text does not get much of the job done. You know, if the girl is just a bit savvy, she's gotta know that guy 'who has abundance' is not going to text a girl just to tell her that. May work, I can't predict that, actually these kinds of direct approaches could work if she is just trying what she can do with you and testing, but is indeed interested. If she avoided the date for the second time though, well I guess I would not spend time working on girls that slotted me in their friend territory. My 2c.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,
After getting through the initial texting process and setting up multiple dates (Over a period of 1-3 months) with a female, do you still only use texting solely for setting up dates?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

I do, yeah. But then again, I lead a somewhat non-ordinary life - I don't spend much time sitting around watching TV, or hanging out shooting the breeze with friends, or engaging in long texting conversations with anybody. For me, these are inefficient uses of time to be minimized where I could be doing something meaningful instead of sitting around like a chimpanzee picking ticks out of someone else's fur in order to bond more. But not everyone has the same view as I do... many people might look at the mad scramble to "do stuff" as being hopelessly misguided, and say that relaxing and enjoying yourself and being with friends and communicating with loved ones is really what it's all about.

I guess this depends on how you want your relationship to go. Some guys who are younger / more in love with girls tend to want to text back and forth with them a lot (or, the girl will want to do this). What you need to plan out is if you are still dating this girl in 2 years, and the early passion and emotion has faded, what do you want your daily texting routine to look like then?

Most guys, once they've reached that point, don't want to spend a lot of time texting back and forth with their girlfriends anymore. But if you text early in the relationship and try dialing it down later, it's going to feel to her as if the relationship has "lost" something, and as if you "love her less."

It's much better to start out with less, and build up to more, but most people do it in reverse, and it leads to a lot of relationship distress later on.

Just think of your early (during the first two years) practices with a girlfriend as the practices you are committing yourself to for the rest of your life (or however long you spend with her). So if you text her 20 times a day every day, be prepared to do that forever or deal with unending relationship strife down the road because you don't text her like you used to anymore.

Chase

Ace's picture

What should I do in this scenario:

ME: _______, howdy. How was your weekend? I went to________ with a few of my buddies and spent the day... it was relaxing and fun at the same time. When's good for you to grab a bite this week? Let me know what your schedule is like.

(2 hours later)

HER: Pretty busy this week, actually :/ I MIGHT be able to do Friday evening but I'm not 100% sure.

----
Now here is the context: I've seen this girl many a'times and she is very interested in me, so I really don't see this as a brush off. She is just really busy with family and work, as many girls are. How do you respond to the "might"?

Normally I would be inclined to answer:

ME: Friday evening is good for me. Just let me know!

HOWEVER, after reading through this article, that seems like I am trying too hard to make myself available, and killing whatever intrigue may be there. Also it puts me in a weird spot of waiting for her "all-clear" and in the event of no date, trying to make other plans. I know she has too much power in this situation, and I want to flip it. Of course, the ultimate goal is to get her out on a date and move the interaction in person. Your help is always appreciated.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Ace,

With "might," I tend to make girls either A) give me a concrete answer, or B) reschedule.

e.g.,

You: _______, howdy. How was your weekend? I went to________ with a few of my buddies and spent the day... it was relaxing and fun at the same time. When's good for you to grab a bite this week? Let me know what your schedule is like.

Her: Pretty busy this week, actually :/ I MIGHT be able to do Friday evening but I'm not 100% sure.

You: Cool. I can do Friday night but I've got to know, basically, now, if we're going to set it up. Otherwise, if you're really not sure, then let's just schedule for next week. Preference?

This usually works pretty well.

Chase

Ace's picture

Doesn't that response sound a little bit harsh, especially considering the warm and friendly tone of the initial date asking text? I mean, it would certainly send a message and flip the interaction (like I did ask for, haha). I'm in college- so thinking the girls in my age target could interpret it the wrong way.... Curious to know if you agree.

Could an alternative be that introduces at least some scarcity and doubt:

Me: Ok let me know.

Friday morning

Her: Hey yeah! I can do about 7pm tonight? What were you thinking?

Me: Bonjour [nickname]. Good thing you just texted me because I was just about to make other plans to go out and hit the town... yeah, 7pm would work. How about we meet inside the cafe by your flat and go from there?

or (depending on what I have going on... like another date option :P)

Me: Bonjour [nickname]. I didn't hear back from you in time so I made other plans to go out and hit the town. But why don't we just reschedule for next week, what is your schedule like?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Ace,

The challenge here is that you want to give her some wiggle room to reschedule, but at the same time you're also looking to make it clear that you do not have time to waste. Reason being, you want to jar her into viewing you differently.

Women don't say, "Well, I MIGHT have this day / date available, but I don't know for sure..." with men they're highly attracted to and highly respect. They say this with men they view as lesser than themselves or whom they see themselves as having their thumb on. When you're too accommodating in your reply and tell the girl just to let you know, all you do is to confirm to her that you'll patiently wait while she sees if she has a slot for you... or not.

Some terseness / harshness thrown in is designed to make her take a step back and say, "Whoa. What? This guy is making DEMANDS? But in a cool / socially savvy way? Was I... WRONG about him, and he's actually NOT a pushover nice guy?"

Sometimes these girls will disappear, because they simply weren't interested in you as anything other than a guy who'd just hang around them and give them attention when they wanted it. Other times they'll begin to chase, when they realize they misjudged you and you aren't the nice guy they thought or expected.

Chase

Wes's picture

This post couldn't have come at a better time!
I had started to forget what I learned from texting and you brought it back AND gave extra.
Thanks Chase.

(adding to reading list also. I will have to re-read this until it sticks)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Glad to hear it, Wes. Texting's one of those areas where things are straightforward... but relatively high stakes since there's no nonverbal to correct course with and no second chances when you make a misstep - getting it right the first time makes a big difference.

Chase

Garrett's picture

Hello Chase!

I was wondering the same thing as The Tool. If a girl is doing something, such as playing games when you are texting, I'm aware of the fact that you SHOULD NOT call her out on it. You also mentioned to play the game BACK but BETTER. Under what circumstances would it be appropriate to call a girl out on something, or instead, should you just reciprocate the act and one up her without mentioning it? Out of curiosity, I've call a girl out on auto-rejection, although it didn't go as was anticipated...

Cheers,
Garrett

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Garrett,

Just responded to Tool's comment above - have a look at my reply. Essentially, you want to avoid calling her out in a confrontational way, and simply make it clear that your time is valuable (while suggesting that hers is too - she'll actually view your time as legitimately more valuable that way) and to reschedule later.

Chase

Funman's picture

Hey Chase,

1) There is a dating coach who advises we give our phone number out to women instead asking for their number. This way only the ones who are interested in us would contact us.

He also says once they contact us, invite them to our place directly to hook up and don't go out on traditional dates coffee, dinner etc.

What is your opinion about this?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Funman,

I haven't played around with this much since I was a beginner, simply because I tend to meet a lot of more conservative / shy girls and many of them will not contact you, even if they really like you. They can't overcome their anxiety about making first contact.

However, if you're in a space where you're consistently meeting more outgoing / aggressive / open-minded women, this can work very well, IF you're coming across with a strong presence. There was a guy I knew who was a very in-shape, very dominant, very witty nightclub bouncer, and he'd just pass his number out to girls with the philosophy that if she's interested, she'll call, and it was a much more efficient screening tool than him having to follow up with every girl himself. It had the added benefit of girls contacting him, and him getting to be the one who said, "Who's this?" and make them work to jog his memory.

You need some presence to pull it off, and you need to do it with the right girls. But properly done, this can be very useful. Just don't expect it to work consistently with shier girls, or if your presence still needs a fair amount of tweaking or you're not getting strong initial attraction consistently with girls.

Chase

M's picture

Hey Chase,

Great post! I'm glad to say that I've followed most of these tips with girls (thanks to your previous articles), and it has made everything so simple and clear as you said, and I get exactly the kind of simple date I want.

Two questions on smiling/laughing:

How can I get vocal warmth without smiling while I talk?
How much should I smile and laugh while I'm talking with girls (or people in general, if that's different)? For instance, should I smile while I'm talking? Should I smile while I'm listening to her? Should I laugh whenever she says something funny? I tend to smile/laugh too much and too long, but sometimes when I tone it down, I worry that I'm coming across as too boring or cold or serious.

Thanks!

M

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey M,

Fantastic to hear about the success you've had with this style of texting. Well done.

On smiling and laughing: see this article-

Smile Warmly, Smile Sexy

... and work on making your smiles and laughs smaller and sexier.

Basically, you still want to use smiling and laughter, but you want it to be slower... subtler... and with a greater degree of sensuality.

This makes you come across as both more dominant and more attractive, and gives you the effect you're looking for.

Chase

Al's picture

Sup Chase,

Really enjoyed reading this. I Have a question regarding point 19. When a girl sets out to make you her texting buddy how do you go about politely rebutting them. To clarify I am refering to when a girl texts you regarding things unrelated to the date (banter, uni work, etc). I find it quite hard to shut down a convo or convey the message I am not a platonic texting buddy without sounding hostile and blunt, any tips from the master?

On a semi related note, I have noticed I have a big issue of over-investing in people. Quite often this only strikes me after an interaction that I have over-accomadated and invested significantly more than the person I conversed with (even in platonic interactions). Do you have any additional pointers on how to invest less for approval-junkies?

Hope you had a great Christmas and have a happy new year,
Al

PS: Just read that you have visited Mongolia, you are the only westerner besides myself I know that took that plunge. Good on you!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Al,

Mongolia... yeah, that was interesting! Didn't find it particularly my taste, but a good adventure nonetheless, and good adventures are worth having.

On texting buddy situations: this one's straightforward enough - just take a long time to reply! If your replies to "texting buddy" type texts take a long time to come back, girls quickly realize you're not texting buddy material. "He's no fun, he takes forever to respond!" This is doubly true if your responsive don't give the emotion boost they need - e.g., you don't share any stories of your own, don't ask questions... basically don't relate, and just give a token response instead (such as, "That's pretty intense. Glad you made it out of that restaurant alive!").

On being overly accommodating - you're doing things to relive tension (make people feel good). To cut back, try getting more comfortable with tension instead. So, when ordinarily you'd contribute to make people feel good, try an experiment and see what happens if you don't do ANYTHING and just sit there silently and powerfully and let the tension build. See what happens. What SHOULD happen is you're going to begin realizing the power of tension, and begin to get more comfortable using it and not always racing to be accommodating in order to relieve it.

Chase

Maxz's picture

Hey Chase, another article that just rocks. Wish all men in the world who are stumbling with women could find this site.

A question I had for you Chase was lately I have been getting women's numbers but not exchanging numbers with them. It is something I am doing on purpose. And I do not text them an hour or two hours later after getting the number. I just text them a day later and say " Hey Joan, how is it going?''.

The Girls usually respond with some intrigue asking "Who is this?". I tell them who I am and where we met and I just carry on from there. This move as been working for me and it goes counter to your advise of texting them after getting the number an hour or four hours later. I'm not disputing your advise cause I know it works like gangbusters, but why do you think girls still respond to the way I am doing it?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Maxz,

Be wary here of valuing reactions over results. You'll get more and "funner" responses from girls with opinion openers in nightclubs ("Quick, I need a female opinion! Who lies more, men or women?"), but you'll spend a lot of unnecessary time on women who are only interested in gabbing with you and nothing more, and you'll have a far lower closing rate than you will by opening direct or indirect direct. You also stand a pretty good chance of actually scaring off the girls who want something to happen with you and don't just want to chat about superficial things.

"Who is this?" normally tends to result more in confusion (or even mild annoyance) than it does intrigue. When I get a text from someone I don't know, my first reaction is, "Who is this silly goose who doesn't even bother to give me her name?" and of the girls I've seen get message from people they don't recognize, that's often their reaction, too ("Do you think I should write back to this guy? I don't even know who this is").

So yeah, you CAN get just about any kind of conversation going over text... it's very possible. But look at what the results of a given style of texting are for you.

Remember, women will be nicer to you when you're harmless / friendly / socially not very savvy. But they don't go to bed with guys they need to be nice with and take care of the emotions of.

Base your actions off of results, rather than reactions, and you'll soon find you're getting your best returns.

Chase

Vaughn 's picture

Chase I just want to know two things. If I'm a naturally funny guy and I don't work hard to make people laugh and they just do because I'm a witty sarcastic guy by default, does that mess me up with seduction? My second question is about how you use the term "friend" with women. You say to text her "nice to make a new friend" and "sorry if I hurt your feelings, friends?" i remember you saying it makes them wonder and it makes you more intriguing, but if you use the word friend won't she think you want to be friends? Please explain how I can make that work without coming on to strong without putting all of my cards on the table and how not to be too subtle and not go into the friend zone? Thank you!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Vaughn,

Girls laughing because you're naturally funny is good, to an extent. But at some point you've got to zero in your focus and dial the humor way down, unless it's very sexual and very suggestive. The closer you move to seduction, the more of a bedroom demeanor you and the girl need to have - if you can't imagine her doing it in the bedroom while you're taking her clothes off, you don't want her doing it in intimate conversation either.

On the word "friend" - well, imagine if you met some pretty new girl, and she did this to you. What's your emotion? Suddenly, it's - wait, what? Does this girl like me or not? Does that mean she isn't that into me? It gives you uncertainty, and shifts the power dynamic in her favor - now she's calling the shots.

It's better for you if you're the one doing that, than the girl. Things progress better, more swiftly, and more correctly with the man in control - and calling a girl "friend" is one of those little things that can help do that.

It's really another aspect of indirect game - verbally indirect, nonverbally direct. See this article for more on that:

How to Use Indirect Game to Get Girls

Chase

Anonymous's picture

sup chase?I was wondering if you could do a post on being passionate.to me learning how to be passionate is essential to being a good lover.also do you have any tips on discovering passionate women?I feel like me being passionate would improve my sexiness and make women more drawn to me.thanks again for the insights!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

Sure, I can write something on that. Passion's a difficult subject - all the more fun to write on!

On discovering passionate women: look for energy levels. The more she's bouncing around, full of life and vigor, and wildly optimistic, the more passionate she is. A very sexual woman tends to be a very passionate one too - if she's very confident and knows what she wants, touches you, smiles sexy, etc.

Those are the two basic passion prototypes to look for:

  • Raw, boundless energy, or
  • Sultry, steaming sensuality

Either of those two women tend to be bursting at the seams with passion.

Avoid calm, cool, non-sexual women - they're the penultimate examples of dispassionate lovers.

Chase

studentofthegame's picture

Chase and company!I don't know if you guys have noticed or if Chase has mentioned it but I can not stress enough on how vital touch is.for one came across some info based in studies from psychologists that babies who are not touched often enough grow weaker than those that are(you can google it ifu you have time)secondly if have you guys watched also these shows like Jerry springer and the Murray show(though I don't recommend it)you would have probably noticed that when the guy fails the pregnancy or cheating test the guy rush to the woman immediately and wraps his body around her though she might resist probably because women like security and being flushed with emotions the woman succumbs most of the time .this is a perfect example of how oxyotin (forgive my spelling) is important in building trust .chase has strongly recommended touching women and I hope these insights would further convince us to start building trust by TOUCHING WOMEN RIGHT NOW!!! More grease to everyones elbows:)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Student,

Absolutely. You can skip touch once you start getting advanced, but particularly when you're starting out, touch is vital. When you're still working on creating a sexual vibe with your speech and nonverbals, using touch can act as a capable substitute for increasing desire, comfort, and connection.

A few of the articles here on touch:

Chase

Sam's picture

Very deep and useful, Chase.

What should a man do if he asks a girl out right on the spot (before getting her number) and the girl gives him a later time frame? Should he comply with the time she gives him to text her even if this violates the "move fast with women"? Should he let the days pass without texting her just to comply with her schedule? Example happened to me last Tuesday:

Me:"...so what is your schedule tomorrow?"
Her: "Tomorrow is my name's day bla bla"
Me: "What about this week in general?"
Her: "I will be packed this week, but we can do it next week if you like"
Me: "Ok, write your number"

I am asking because I did not wait for next week to come to text her. I texted her yesterday. No reply so far. Should I have waited until next week?

Many thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Sam,

I'm not 100% sure I follow - you mean texting her when she tells you to text her? If you get a girl telling you to text her at a certain time, that's an indication that she views her self as "above" you and you as "beneath" her, and she sees you as chasing after her (and she isn't all that interested). When you get this, you're not going to get anywhere with the girl 99 times out of 100, so my normal recommendation here is to simply say something like, "You know what, that's way too much detail for me to remember so why don't I give you my number and you text me."

She almost never will (she wasn't all that interested if she was being that dismissive in the first place), but it's a nice way of putting the ball back in her court when she was trying to make you be the one chasing after her and a more gracious way for you to exit the conversation than simply hanging your head and slinking off. Give her your number and instructions to text... then move on, because you're not going to hear from her. See if you can figure out where things went wrong or you misread the situation, and do better with the next girl.

If you meant you tried getting specific on dates, don't do it then - you just want to propose a date, then ping her for her schedule later. The more specific a window of time you give a girl to meet you, the more likely you are to get turned down, because people simply have schedules and plans and things to do, and even if they don't they may not be so sure they want to agree to a specific window of time straight away. Instead, just say, "Let's grab some food sometime next week," then get her contact info and figure out the time and day over text.

Chase

Sam's picture

Thank you for your fast reaction.

True, I was not very clear.

You meet a girl this week. You ask her if she will be available tomorrow. She says this week she is packed and she counter-proposes the drink to take place next week.

So, I was wondering whether you actually follow this and contact her 7 days later, just because she is available then and not earlier. I personally contacted her 2 days later, despite the fact I knew she would not be available.
Could that be a problem?

Penguin's picture

Great article Chase :) I've learnt even more about texting. One thing confused me though...

In point 15 you say that the invitation must be a question so you're not deciding on her behalf, but in your point 12 good example with Catherine you said "Let's grab that lunch". How do you know when to make it a question or not?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Penguin,

Good catch, that is an inconsistency there; my mistake on contradicting myself and casting some confusion into the mix.

You can get away with making it a statement / assuming that she's just going to come along with you when it's already clear that she REALLY likes you and very much wants to see you. In that case, you can make it a statement and take a very strong leadership role. You can also do this with women who are clearly quiet and submissive and want/need to be led. Generally speaking, the softer and more feminine she is, the more a statement will appeal to her and the more likely it is to work.

The rest of the time, yeah, you want a question, as it makes it more of a joint effort. Especially with modern Western women, you want things to be as "joint" as possible, as there's a culturally inherited resistance to being "decided for" that you can trigger a negative reaction out of by "telling a girl you're going out." Questions can still be okay with feminine women too... they're just a bit less exciting, and don't set as strong a tone for the date.

Generally speaking, if you're not sure if you can use a statement, don't (unless you're playing around or experimenting). Err on the side of questions for a higher probability of getting girls out on dates.

Chase

Anonymous 's picture

What's a good opener for club game and What are good easy topics you can talk about so I can get the number fast while still on the dance floor? I know you say move somewhere quieter but I want to do it in a numbers way, which is getting as many numbers as I can in a short amount of time. Thanks chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

On openers, see these:

The majority of what I recommend using is in there. Another old standby is the line, "You are having waaay too much fun over here," said in a deadpan / sarcastic tone of voice and with sexy facial expressions. When you're not sure what to say, that one makes for a reliable fall back line 90% of the time.

On dance floor, see this:

The dance floor's generally best for rapid physical escalation, but if you use it solely for phone numbers you'll quickly find you get mostly flakey numbers. The same girl who's really excited about giving you her number when she's grinding with you on the dance floor will see you calling or texting the next day and say, "Eww, there's that club grinder guy who goes around grinding with every girl on the dance floor... I can't believe I gave him my number!"

If you want to use it for phone numbers, I'd suggest trying a little touch and a little banter while dancing, then dragging the girl off the dance floor and having a conversation. You'll get more out of a phone number from a couple of girls you spent 10 or 15 minutes on having real conversations with than you will with phone numbers from 10 or 15 girls you only danced, grinded, and bantered with.

Chase

Chill Phil's picture

Salutations Chase,

After reading your ebook I've been keeping up with the blog for almost a year now, and I must say its pretty solid.

Online dating has been somewhat of a sticking point for me (even with the tips provided in your post on writing messages).

Could these 20 tips on texting be successfully applicable to online dating?

Would you be able to write a more comprehensive post about success with online dating (similar to the Facebook post -- which was very insightful by the way).

You've got something special...Keep it up!

Phil

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hi Phil,

Glad to hear you've been finding the blog so solid!

Most of these are just as applicable to online dating, too. The sole exception would be points like setting up the date before you get into messaging, or using messaging solely for setting up dates - because you haven't actually met her in person yet, you do need to build a little banter with her first.

Online is one I've been seeing a lot of guys asking for, yeah, so it's certainly on my list of posts to get up. In the meantime, there's one on message writing here that might help:

3 Essential Tips for Online Dating Message and Email Writing

... and an example profile with messages that I used to use a few years back:

Chase's Guide to Online Dating (2010)

Hopefully those help give a little inspiration prior to me actually getting a proper post on this up.

Cheers,
Chase

Jgig's picture

Hey Chase,

Your information on your threads is incredible and i have used as much info as possible so far.

I have a question regarding the beginning of this thread. I have known this girl for around 3 years now. We've talked on and off, just as friends for the first couple months i knew her because she had a bf, as i didn't wasn't to impose because that's not how i roll. We re connected about a month back only because she Began texting me. Keep in mind i had liked thus girl from the moment i saw her.Anyways, we hung out a few times got a tad intimate, but all of a sudden she didn't answer my text i sent her, which was uncommon. I ended up sending about 6 messages in a weeks time with no replies. Long story short,i am friends with her bro and asked him to ask her i, friends orf anything was wrong, our why she didn't respond. She got mad at me sending me a text,i responded only to not get a reply. Turns out my phone want sending her messages. About a month has past since then and i done with newer a couple days ago. I was blunt, after an engaging hello text,i asked her weekday the Plan was with us, we gonna be just friends or Trey this, she responded with,"lets just be friends for now and of it's suppose to happen it will, it didn't work out to well last time." So i had a short conversation via text just being friendly yesterday and she was more lively in get responses. Is there any way i could get this girl into me again, because being friends with her just wouldn't cut it. It's all our nothing for me, and i would like to display that message to her do she gets that, I'm not afraid to walk away from her, and I'm not going to sit around. Any ideas?

Thanks for your time
Jgig

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jgig,

I covered exactly your situation in there - the date where you get somewhat far with her, but not all the way - just a week or so ago, in fact.

See this post:

3 Second Date Strategies to Make Her Flirt and Swoon

Cheers,
Chase

Matt's picture

Hi Chase,

Just came across your blog and I’ve got to say how extremely impressed I am with it. Every article I’ve read, I’ve had one of those “that’s so true moments.” Your type of text message styles is spot on and unfortunately, I realized after reading this post that I find myself in the second and third category. I tend to be pretty witty over text, but I end up just continuing the conversation, not getting any concrete results or a meet up. If only I had your blog before the certain situation I’m in…

So here’s the issue, I met this very attractive girl out at a club and we exchanged numbers. Very quick exchange, and I regrettably didn’t suggest getting together sometime later. I ended up messaging her the next afternoon, asking her what’s up. We exchanged a few messages while varying my response time, but after a couple messages, she hasn’t responded and I have said nothing about getting together.

I would like to ask her to hang out but after no response I do not know how to, without coming off as desperate. How do I recover from my mistake and get her interested in going out with me? What would your next message be?

Thanks again for all your advice.

Matt

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Matt,

In this situation, you're essentially looking at a scenario where one way or the other, the girl's ended up losing some attraction for you, so you need a chance to get her out and build it back up again.

I'd recommend finding something really cool and fun to do, ideally with other people (e.g., a cool party), that she'd likely be excited about, then calling her up to invite her. Make it a short call, primarily just about asking her and not about building up rapport, and get off the phone once you have your answer. If she doesn't pick up, send her a text message rather than leave a voicemail.

Making a phone call can break things up a bit when she isn't responding to texts. It's also a more "savvy" thing to do, and communicates you don't have a lot of time to waste - she knows she hasn't responded to your last few texts, so if you only text without calling it looks like another shot in the dark / hoping against hope. Calling is a sign of you thinking, "Okay, texts don't go through so I won't waste my time, I'll just call."

Chase

Rule56's picture

Hey Chase!

Just discovered your blog this weekend in search of some texting advice. I'll share a little bit of my experience using some of what I learned.

I was texting a girl I just recently met and really liked. We seemed to get along well and have some good banter at first . However, I definitely continued to text after way after I should have stopped and tipped the power balance in her favor. After reading this article and a few other posts here, I started to realize I made more mistakes than one.

I decided to wait a day and implement a few of the things posted her to reel her back in, so to speak. I did manage use some tips here to get get her to agree to grab dinner with me without much effort. But she gave me a response that pretty much said 'yes[to the day/time we discussed], if I am in town.' (She said was headed out of town for New Years). A day or two later I tried one of your strategies trying to get her to commit while giving her the option to reschedule. My text was somewhat of a copy of your example.

However, it kind of back fired because she took my text to mean that I didn't have time for her and that I was playing games, not like I meant which was that I value my time and it is limited. I had to firefight a bit but I did end up smoothing things out and reschedule the date. (turns out she was more interested than I thought and was fully intending on making sure to be back for our initial date). Jury is still out on this one, but I'm wondering if I would have had a different outcome with a different girl.

Anyway,
In the online arena, I have also been trying out some the texting strategies here in messages and also after I have gotten phone numbers. I have actually gotten more numbers in the past couple days than I have in the past few weeks combined. Not to mention, my response rate has skyrocketed. I've even garned a few dates from trying out these strategies already. Next step is trying some of the first date sex tips you've written about. Usually takes me to at least date 2.

I've definitely read enough here to want to continue checking in to see what's new on a daily basis. Keep up the good work, this site is my new go-to for dating help and advice.

Best Regards,
Rule56

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Rule,

That's great news on the phone numbers and dates! Pretty amazing how the difference a few tweaks can make.

The New Year's texting girl sounds like she's playing games herself. The fact that she got upset about you not being available for her when couldn't guarantee she'd be available for you hints at her being rather emotionally invested, and her suspecting you of playing games with your (I assume pretty natural) response to her "Maybe, if I can fit you into my schedule" message smells like she's the one who's playing around (people tend to suspect you of the things they themselves are guilty of). Well, don't play with fire unless you want to get burned, I always say... you called her bluff, and she got upset about it... you're probably in a better position now, actually!

Good luck moving things quickly on your first dates with all these new girls in 2013!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Basically, I met this girl a couple of times at my work, we became facebook friends and then started talking a lot for about 2 weeks, mostly through txts as she gave me her number early on without me asking.

She's now around and I've asked her to hangout a couple of times, she said yes on the onetime that I called a photography date as we both like to take photos, and she has made it clear she wants to hangout with me very soon.

She is extremely attractive and I'm pretty average but don't lack confidence as I've been a very outgoing guy my entire life, but I really don't know what to do to get this going the way I want.

Part of me feels like she isn't interested in me on dating terms, but I figure if she wants to hangout and we get more face time, there's always the possibility of it happening.

I asked her to hangout this weekend, but she said she is staying with her friend and has to figure out her schedule but would like to hangout if she can.

Am I being friend zoned?Not being direct enough?How should I move on to get this going, as I like this girl a lot and would very much like to date her but don't know how to get her.

Thanks,

Alby's picture

how do you end messages? most of the time i get the message with the end xx or xo its the normal female end to a message, but how best to respond?

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