How to Text Girls: 20 More Tips and Techniques

how to text girlsIn the article on second dates, Todd comments on a girl he's met and some of the texting they've done between their first date and second, and finishes up with the questions below:

What's the next step? I don't want her to lose interest, but I'm gone for this entire week. We said we'd get together next week once I'm back. Do I just want an entire week before I give her another call/text? I don't want to fall out of her mind.

If you've been around on this site a bit, you know the philosophy on how to text girls here is this:

  • Write your texts simple and to-the-point
  • Don't get mired in long text conversations
  • Keep your eye on the ball (i.e., setting up dates)

You probably even know some of the rationale behind that... if you've ever found yourself in a long, frustrating back-and-forth trying to figure out how on Earth you're going to get this girl you've traded 10,000 text messages with out on a date, you've had an inkling of this already.

But, the temptation may still be strong to enter into some witty text banter, and do a fair amount of "maintenance" texting... after all, no harm can come from being in contact, right?

This post is put together to break you of any remaining predilections you might have for engaging in long / witty / thoughtful text conversations with women, and show you clearly, precisely, and unequivocally why you must focus not on building rapport over text... but on sorting out dating/meeting logistics, and that's it.

Let's dive in.

how to text girls

This article builds on the groundwork laid in previous articles on how to text girls we've published before - if you haven't seen them already, read these first, then come back here:

... if you're short on time (or attention), and just have time for one of those, read "How to Text a Girl" first, and come back to the rest later. That one serves as a nice, condensed introduction to the simplified form of texting we teach here.

So, what's the harm in texting like a normal guy, anyway? Why not just text... you know... the same way you've been texting?

The Three Kinds of Normal Guy Texting Styles

There are basically three strains of text messaging styles prevalent among the men out there today:

  1. Clueless Boring Questions Guy™
  2. Endless Conversations Guy™
  3. Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™

... ranked here in order of prevalence, from most to least commonly encountered, though even though he's ranked last, the Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™ is still not all that uncommon.

Before we dive into what you want to be doing with women to actually get results out of texting, let's start with looking at what these three guys do, and why it doesn't work. Try not to be too miffed if you realize you're one of these guys halfway down... because if so, you're exactly the target demographic of this article.

Can't fix the problem unless you know the problem exists in the first place, right?

Clueless Boring Questions Guy™

how to text girlsThe most diabolically annoying to women of texters, the Clueless Boring Questions Guy™, hereafter abbreviated as CBQG, has absolutely zero clue how to text girls, what girls would like to see in a text message, or even what women are like most of the time in general, period. At no time has CBQG ever sat down and asked himself,

"If I was a girl, how would I respond to a message like this?"

He immediately assumes that all women are like him - lonely and without many options - and thus should be thrilled to hear from him, even if all they hear from him are clueless boring questions like,

  • What's up?
  • How's it going?
  • How was your weekend?
  • What are you doing?
  • Do you have plans?

CBQG assumes that women must love getting texts like this from him, because he'd love getting texts like this from them, so of course it must go both ways.

CBQG often becomes frustrated when women don't answer his questions, and wonders why he doesn't get responses. He thinks women are difficult to understand, and make things needlessly complicated.

At no point does CBQG sit down and think to himself,

  1. Most women are inundated all day with lame requests from lame guys
  2. Most guys text, write, and say to women the same lame things all the time
  3. Oh no! If I send women lame texts, women will assume I'm lame, too!

This never occurs to him, because CBQG knows himself so well that he knows that he's certainly not lame, and he assumes that everyone else must know this too, even if he behaves the same way that other men, who actually are lame, do.

"She'll know I'm not lame, even if I seem totally lame," CBQG thinks, "otherwise, she's totally shallow and not worth my time!"

CBQG believes that it's women's responsibility to recognize his inner awesomeness and to fight through the lameness he exhibits on the outside to discover his awesomeness inside.

CBQG spends many nights alone, angry, hurt, and confused at how the world can be so confusing and so cold.

Endless Conversations Guy™

Endless Conversations Guy™, hereafter ECG, was usually a CBQG who one day looked at his phone, devoid of responses to the text messages he'd sent out, and said to himself,

"If I was a girl, how would I respond to a message like this?"

... and in a flash of insight, he realized he'd been doing it all wrong.

ECG is, you might say, on a more enlightened plane than CBQG. He's realized that women need to be engaged in a dialogue, and they don't really want to answer clueless boring questions.

Unfortunately - perhaps because he hasn't thought much about it beyond that, or perhaps because he simply lacks the experience with women to have a very good theory of mind for your average attractive, personable girl - ECG doesn't get much further beyond "engage women in dialogue," and there he's usually stuck.

ECG's conversations tend to look something like this:

ECG: Hey Shirley, how'd your weekend go? I saw some friends Saturday, but yesterday was all just relaxing.

Girl: Hey, it was all right. My friend from out of town came to visit, so we went to a couple of restaurants and saw some sights... that was about it.

ECG: Cool, what sights did you see?

Girl: Oh, you know, Sea World, the harbor, just the usual things.

ECG: You know, I've been living here for 5 years and I've never seen Sea World. Everyone keeps telling me I should go.

Girl: I know, I didn't go to Sea World until I was 19, and I grew up here. Isn't that ridiculous? But you SHOULD go, it's a lot of fun.

ECG: When I used to live on the East Coast, sometimes we'd go down and visit the Baltimore Aquarium. I don't know if Sea World's like an aquarium at all, but that place was amazing. I kind of miss going now.

Girl: It's not really an aquarium... more like a place with sea animals that does shows.

ECG: Yeah, they had some of those at the Baltimore Aquarium too.

Girl: Cool.

ECG: Hey, so [conversation continues]

ECG never realizes that these endless conversations are actually boring, pointless, and inane, and most girls who engage back in them are either A) just doing it because they're bored too, or B) are just too nice to not send back a response. To him, it feels like he's unlocked the key to texting girls: just keep texting.

As far as ECG is concerned, this is just another totally normal conversation, in which he imagines that he is inching his way ever closer to becoming this girl's beau of choice. Every sent text is another couple centimeters closer to her heart...

You can imagine how frustrated he is when those women he spent so much time in endless conversations with end up endlessly dodging dates every time he asks them out, and how perplexed he is to discover, after weeks or months of endless conversations, that she's suddenly now got a new boyfriend.

"How can this be?" ECG thinks. "I thought we had such special conversations!"

He's bewildered... it simply doesn't make sense. Why would she spend SO much time talking to him and then go date someone else?

Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™

Last but not least is Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™, henceforth known as RIWIG. RIWIG is the next stage of evolution after ECG; he's a man who's realized that endless conversations don't work - they're boring, kill his intrigue, and every guy and his brother chasing after a girl engages in them.

RIWIG has more experience with women than either CBQG or ECG, and he knows that women react well to humor and prefer interesting bad boys to uninteresting nice guys.

So, goes RIWIG's line of thinking, what could possibly be better... than being a bad boy via text message?

Most texting advice you'll see online or hear from friends comes from RIWIGs. They've cracked the texting code, they'll confidently tell you. They've figured out how to create the emotions they want in women - desire, laughter, intrigue. Being really, incredibly witty and interesting over text is the way to get girls attracted to you.

And to be fair, RIWIG is far more interesting and captivating than either CBQG or ECG. It's not even close... he leaves them in his dust. Just as CBQG can't hold a candle to ECG, ECG's odds of beating RIWIG in a text fight are about as good as a medieval pikeman's odds against a Navy S.E.A.L. armed with a minigun and a grenade launcher.

RIWIG's text conversations tend to go something like this:

RIWIG: Oh man, I just had WAY too much food. Never should've eaten that last drumstick. Advice: gluttony doesn't just make you fat, it's also REALLY uncomfortable.

Girl: lol where were you and why'd you eat so much?

RIWIG: Friend had a birthday party. There was far too much to eat; I felt a moral obligation to ensure there weren't unnecessary leftovers.

Girl: Did you save any for me?

RIWIG: Thought about it; decided against it. You should be grateful I prevented you from enduring a similar fate to mine.

Girl: But I want some too!

RIWIG: You know what, miss... you are coming on WAY too strong right now. Most women are a lot more... CIRCUMSPECT... when they say things like that to me.

Girl: I'm talking about the food, DUH!

RIWIG: That's what they always say...

Girl: You are such a dork.

RIWIG: Hey, so [conversation continues]

I was this guy for a long time. And, it's obviously a big step up from ECG... but even with his really, incredibly witty and interesting text banter, RIWIG has the following problems:

  • Women are still frequently dodgy about setting up dates

  • When the dates ARE set up... the girl often comes in treating RIWIG as a boyfriend candidate

What gives? RIWIG thinks. I was interesting, witty, sexy... everything a woman looks for in a lover, NOT a boyfriend! And she's STILL treating me like a potential boyfriend! Clearly I need to be even MORE witty and interesting.

But being more witty and interesting isn't the answer... in fact, the answer is something far simpler than any of CBQG, ECG, or RIWIG think it could possibly be.

how to text girls

The good news for our heroes Clueless Boring Questions Guy™, Endless Conversations Guy™, and Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™ is that there's a line of thought on how to text girls they haven't tried out or thought of or investigated into yet.

And it doesn't need clueless boring questions.

It doesn't require endless conversations.

Heck, it doesn't even need you to be all that witty or interesting.

All you've got to do is be able to send simple text messages, and tell the girl you want a date with her BEFORE you get her phone number.

If we had to give this guy a name, I think it'd be Just Gets It Guy™ (JGIG), and his style is all about keeping things simple and to-the-point.

I adopted this style of texting only after I'd reached a point in my dating life where I simply didn't have time to engage in long texting conversations with women or to think up incredibly witty, interesting things to say... and also where, when I did have the time, I simply didn't care to anymore.

And what I found was, it was far more effective.

I started teaching friends how to text girls with this simplistic model of texting, and suddenly they were lining up as many dates as they could handle. And then I put it up in a few articles on the Internet and in the free ebook with the newsletter signup (signup at the bottom of the post and grab a copy of that, if you haven't already), and, well, the response has been pretty fantastic. The "How to Text a Girl" article' that started it all has been #1 on Google for about a year and a half at this point, it was posted and reposted and upvoted like crazy on Reddit and Facebook and just about every social media and bookmarking site there is, and copycat articles are popping up all over the Internet.

But, a lot of guys still don't really get it... they're still trying to mix in CBQG or ECG or RIWIG elements with this style of texting. It's like taking a recipe for sugar cookies and throwing in some extra eggs and baking soda because those ingredient work great in other things you bake. The end result is not something better... it's something worse.

Thus, this article: more in-depth, more meaty, and more behind-the-scenes psychology so you can really understand what women are thinking, why they're reacting the way they are, and what it is that those other texting styles just don't understand.

How to Text Girls: The Foundations

It's important you understand why exactly the texting styles that are wrong and less effective ARE wrong and less effective. So, our first round of tips is going to be on the foundations of simplified texting: why the things that work work, and why the things that don't don't.

#1: Faulty Models Are Your Responsibility to Fix, Not Women's

One of the themes of this site, and one we went particularly in-depth into in the article on victim mentality, is this: you can blame OTHER people for YOUR life, or you can go out and get what you want. You absolutely can't do both, however.

It's blame and be miserable, or accept responsibility and go get what you want.

As you go down the list of texting styles, you'll find that the less further evolved a man's texting style is, the more he blames women for his lack of results. Clueless Boring Questions Guy™ is the worst; everything is women's fault, and nothing is his.

The worse a man is with women, the more it's women's fault and the less it's his (or so he thinks).

What's the reason for this phenomenon?

It's a symptom of faulty mental models.

Women trade phone numbers a lot. And they don't like getting clueless boring questions from anyone... even close friends, family, lovers, boyfriends, etc.

So just imagine how a girl feels when she gets questions like this from some guy she doesn't know all that well that she met at work or at the bar or on the street or in class.

Yeah, that's right - he instantly gets pigeonholed as someone who's going to be a liability and not a joy to be around, and her interest in him goes from whatever it was before the clueless boring questions started, straight to zero.

It's not women who are the problem - it's the model you're currently following.

If women don't think / act / respond the way you think they should, it doesn't mean all 3.5 billion human women need to change to accommodate what you think they should be. What it means, rather, is that your mental model must change, to accommodate the way women actually are.

#2: Phone Numbers are Easy

One of the reason most inexperienced guys struggle so much with the idea of texting needing to be ironed out is because they view phone numbers as a BIG DEAL!

The problem is that to women, phone numbers are NOT a big deal!

An inexperienced guy gets a girl's phone number, and it feels like a colossal achievement, and now he can rest. He's effectively got a girlfriend now, for all intents and purposes.

Except she doesn't see it that way. For girls, a phone number is just the START... and girls give their numbers out to guys all the time that they never end up talking to or seeing ever again.

Phone numbers mean NOTHING. They're a dime a dozen... nothing more than a chance. They are NOT a guarantee, a promise, or an assurance of any kind. "Here's my phone number" does not equal "Sure, we can have sex," nor does it equal, "Would you like to be my boyfriend?," nor does it equal, "I'm definitely going to talk to you again!"

If it helps, you can think of a phone number as, "Here's a way you can get me to meet you again if you do a good job making me want to."

Once you start seeing numbers this way, you'll instantly begin realizing why clueless boring questions are a death sentence: it's far easier to say "no" to you over the phone than in real life.

And if you're just going to be boring and clueless on the phone, what's she supposed to do... be excited?

Phone numbers are not a promise; they are an opportunity.

#3: Emotions Don't "Stick"

how to text girlsWhen you first trade numbers with a girl, you might leave on cloud nine, dreaming about the amazing future you're going to have together with her. Maybe you had an amazing interaction with her, and really connected with her on a pretty deep level.

Chances are, she's forgotten all about you.

Oh sure, she might still be thinking about you... but you don't know that, and it's much better to assume that she isn't.

If she isn't, how's she going to react to your first text?

Pretend she's forgotten EVERYTHING about you and is now rushed, put-upon, angry, and annoyed from other things in her life when she gets your text message.

Is it going to make her smile? Is it going to take a load off her shoulders?

Or is it just something else to make her feel even MORE rushed, put-upon, angry, and annoyed?

If you're not sure, ask yourself this:

If I was really rushed, put-upon, angry, and annoyed right now, and I received this text message randomly from someone I could hardly remember, what would my emotion be?

If the answer is "even more rush, put-upon, angry, and annoyed," head back to the drawing board - and find something that better evokes the right emotions.

If she remembers you, great - that's a bonus. You'll still send her a great text message and she'll be even HAPPIER to hear from you. But if she doesn't... if she's forgotten all about you... and you send her the right message... you still stand a good chance of getting her out anyway.

#4: People Want You to Reduce Their Cognitive Loads (Not Pile On)

Imagine you are SUPER busy. You're stressed like crazy, running around trying to get a million things done that you HAVE to get done. You want to scream and punch the wall and pull your hair out you're so far behind on things.

Then, you get a random text message from some guy you met at a bar the other day who seemed like kind of an okay guy.

"What's up?" it says.

"What's up?" you think to yourself, angry and annoyed. "What's up??!! What, am I supposed to sit here and figure out what that means? Like, you just want to shoot the shit, like I have time for that? Or, you want to ask me for some kind of favor, or want me to offer something to you? I don't have the patience for this!"

This is the thought process of even a moderately busy person when she gets a message like this.

Personally, I won't respond to these messages when I get them from GIRLS. And I'm a GUY... most guys WANT to get messages like this from girls. Girls do NOT want to get messages like this from guys, because these messages increase mental loads.

When a girl gets a message like this from you, the second she reads it her mind puts everything else it's working on on hold and asks itself:

  • Who is this?
  • What does he want?
  • Is he going to ask me for something?
  • Should I respond? How should I respond?
  • Should I tell him about my day?
  • Should I tell him how stressed I am?
  • Is he going to start sending me lots of messages if I reply?
  • Is he waiting for me to take the lead here?
  • Is he going to ask me out?
  • Does he expect ME to ask HIM out?

... and, much of the time, her mind is simply going to decide that this is too many questions to answer, and it'll worry about this later.

She closes her phone, never to reply.

Not because she's mean or cold or rude or aloof or even disinterested... it's just too much thinking to do, so she puts it off... and then forgets about it. Or she remembers it, but puts it off even further.

You must strive to be crystal clear and easy to respond to in your messages, to reduce mental loads as much as humanly possible.

Don't make her think. Don't make her wonder. Don't get her into giant open loops she needs to spend huge amounts of mental processing power on. That's an invitation to ignore you.

And to see you as inconsiderate / socially stunted, as well. Socially savvy people don't shift big mental loads onto people via text... they make things easy.

You should too.

That means, instead of,

What's up?

... you can say,

Hey Charlene, hope you had a kick ass weekend. Mine was solid, and restful... just what I needed. When's good for you to grab that bite this week? Let me know when your schedule's clear and let's set it up.

No wondering what your motives are. No asking herself what you're after. No deliberating on how to respond, or even if she should respond at all. All she's got to do is tell you when her schedule's open.

It's easy.

And because it's easy, you're orders of magnitude more likely to get what you want: a date.

#5: You Must Keep Your Eye on the Ball

Quick, how many great relationships in your life have been built on the back of long text messaging conversations? Friendships? Girlfriends?

If you're like most people the answer is this: 0.

That's because texting is an atrocious way to build meaningful relationships. This is not how to text girls at all.

Guys still keep doing it though. They do it in droves. And the reason why is because their eyes are not on the ball.

If you've ever found yourself mired in long text message conversations with women, you probably never stopped to ask yourself, "Where is this going?" but if you did, I'm certain your answer to yourself would be, "I have NO idea!"

Which is not how to run a texting conversation.

It's not how to run anything.

Imagine if a sailor set out on a ship into the great blue sea with no idea where he was going. "I'm going to find a beautiful, uninhabited island out there with a pirate's buried treasure and I'm going to get rich!" he told himself, "I just have to sail around enough until I find it!" Now, after he sets off on his voyage, he might end up finding that one island in the wide blue yonder that is what he searches for... but far more likely, he'll just waste a lot of time, until either he dies out at sea, out of fresh water and food, or he turns around and returns to port, frustrated and bitter.

When you're shooting in the dark, you almost always miss the mark.

Text messaging is terrible for:

  • Establishing rapport
  • Building an emotional connection
  • Getting into a real conversation
  • Transforming a stranger into a girlfriend or lover
  • Showing your personality and qualities
  • Growing or maintaining attraction

... and if you use it for these things, you will be missing the mark again and again.

You won't even get better at hitting the mark in the dark. You'll just waste a lot of bullets... and time, and patience.

Setting up a date is the only thing you ought to be using texting for. Using it for anything else is distracting you from your core objective... and reducing the odds that you ever make it to your port of call.

#6: Girls Talk Because They Like to Talk

Unless you're an incredibly loquacious fellow, my guess is you don't spend a great deal of time in drawn out text message conversations with your male friends. Nor do you likely spend a great deal of time in lengthy conversations with a girl who's already your girlfriend.

Most men only get into these long conversations with girls.

And those men assume that the girl knows what the deal is. "Obviously, I wouldn't talk to her this much if I didn't want to date her!" the guy thinks. "So, again obviously, she must know this, and, also obviously, her texting back to me is an implicit go-ahead to proceed forward! She's telling me to continue courting her!"

There're a lot of assumptions in there... and they're mostly incorrect.

As socially astute as most women are (compared to most men, anyway), they are not mind-readers. They will know you want something when you keep texting clueless boring questions or endless conversations or large amounts of really, incredibly witty and interesting stuff...

... they just won't know what it is you want.

And here's the thing:

Most women love talking!

They will talk to you just for the sake of talking. And they'll love it. Many girls will be happy to text back and forth with you all day... and not just you.

They do it with their girlfriends. They do it with their frenemies. They do it with the other eight guys who are chasing them and texting them all day long too.

You're there talking, thinking it's just about in the bag because she's so willing to chat with you... and she's there talking, to you, her best friend, her girlfriend, and a gaggle of guys just as gabby over text with her as you.

This isn't the way to a woman's heart... it's simply a way to help her pass the day.

If you're spending time in long text conversations with women, you're wasting your time... and quickly becoming more valuable as a texting friend than you are as a potential lover or boyfriend.

#7: Women WANT Men Who Are "Just Friends"

Just as many men texting women have a "hidden agenda" of wanting to get together with those women, most of the women being texted have "hidden agendas" of their own.

Think of Mr. CBQG. He isn't texting her, "What's up?" because he really is dying to know what's up with her. He doesn't care about that. His real agenda is to maneuver this girl into being his lover or girlfriend... and, he just happens to think that texting her clueless boring questions is the best way to do that (it isn't).

Well, Miss Average Girl, when she replies back to CBQG with, "Not much. What's up with you?" also doesn't really care what's up with him, either. She has her own hidden agenda... and hers, most likely, is to make CBQG into someone she is "just friends" with.

How cruel and unfair of her, you say? How demeaning for her to want to take this man texting her and finagle him into the friend zone! How can she possibly live with herself...

Well wait just a gosh-darned second there. This guy texting her is also trying to finagle her into wanting him... he isn't being forthright about it... he isn't being upfront... he's just thinking that if he texts her enough, she'll end up being his girlfriend.

Meanwhile, she's thinking that if she texts him enough, he'll end up being her platonic guy pal.

Why this mismatch of desires between texter and textee? Because women have a lot of options with men, and multiple positions any one of those men might best fill. Women want men who can be "just friends" for them... it increases their security levels, and makes them feel safer. Women with male friends are more likely to get help in times of need, more likely to be successful in their lives, careers, and other endeavors, and much more.

And clearly, if you're a guy texting things like, "How's it going?" and that's it, you're not exactly Grade A lover or boyfriend material. But you might just make a great friend...

Solution? Don't be ambiguous about why you're texting, and don't beat around the bush. We'll cover this more below, in the section on mechanics.

#8: Women Cannot "Get Comfortable with You" Over Text

I know a secret of the CBQGs and ECGs and RIWIGs of the world that they themselves are only half aware of... want to know what it is?

They're all trying to get girls "comfortable" with them over text message!

"If I text her enough," they think to themselves, "then she'll get really comfortable with me! And then she'll have to date me!"

Bzzt! Wrong. Attraction doesn't work that way.

Furthermore, you cannot get girls comfortable with text messages. The very reason that texting feels so appealing as a medium for doing comfort-building (i.e., you think, "I can make her comfortable without ever having to worry about how my posture is coming off, or my facial expressions, or my voice tone, or seeming like I'm nervous, or don't know what to do...") also makes it marvelously ineffective for doing comfort-building (i.e., they can't see your posture, or facial expressions, or hear your voice tone, or tell if you're nervous, or whether you know what to do or not...).

Want her to get comfortable with you?

Meet her in person.

How to Text Girls: The Mechanics

Now that you've got a handle on the foundations of texting girls:

  1. Faulty models are your responsibility to fix, not women's
  2. Phone numbers are easy
  3. Emotions don't "stick"
  4. People want you to reduce their cognitive loads... not pile on
  5. You must keep your eye on the ball (i.e., your purpose for texting)
  6. Girls talk because they like to talk
  7. Women WANT men who are "just friends"
  8. Women cannot "get comfortable with you" over text

... you're ready to dive into the mechanics... the nuts and bolts... the nitty gritty of how to text girls and actually have it go the way you want it to.

This is the part you've been waiting for.

#9: Propose the Date Before You Ask for the Number!

This one's so important that I underlined it and put an exclamation point on it.

A lot of newer guys skip this step. It just feels easier to ask for the number. After all, if she says "no," all she's rejecting is giving you her phone number, right? It's not like she's rejecting a date with you or anything!

But that's preposterous. If she rejects giving you her phone number, by extension she's rejecting all future possibilities of the two of you doing anything together, ever. And that includes dates.

When you go to get a girl's phone number, exactly as we discussed in that article on phone numbers linked to there, you must ask for the date FIRST!

Not only does this actually make it easier makes things to get phone numbers from girls... but it also makes things infinitely easier when you sit down to figure out how you want to correspond with her afterward.

I'm convinced that if men started asking women on dates before asking for phone numbers consistently, CBQGs and ECGs would become extinct, and RIWIGs would become an endangered species.

Here's ALL you have to do:

Girl: [mid-conversation] ... so then I totally got out of there before things could get even worse!

You: That's hilarious.

Girl: I know, right? I thought I was going to die for a minute! That girl was crazy!

You: Hey, I'm going to have to jet in a minute, but we should grab a drink or some food this week or early next. What's your schedule like?

Girl: Oh, I don't know, I'll have to take a look. I think I'm free on Sunday.

You: Cool, I'll text you. What's your number?

Girl: 619...

Isn't that way easier than the big productions most men make of trying to get phone numbers?

Furthermore, doesn't that make things way more straightforward when you want to text her later? Don't you know exactly what you need to do now?

If you want my opinion, you ought to open up your phone right now and delete every phone number you have from a girl you didn't ask on a date before getting her phone number. Or, if you'd rather take a stab before deleting those numbers, then text every single one of them right now something like:

Hey [name], I just stumbled across this really cool little café in [area] with the most amazing hot chocolates. I totally want to take you there - want to grab a chocolate and a bite to eat with me sometime this week / next week?

Any girl you get "yeah, sure" or a "how about we do XYZ instead" from, hang onto; you can work with that. Any girl you get a "no, I really can't" or a "sorry, I'm busy" from, just delete.

Now you're starting fresh.

And every number you get from here on out, before you get it, make absolutely sure you've gotten it in the context of doing so in order to set up and plan for a date.

No more figuring out what to text her. No more pacing back and forth in your room deciding what you should say.

Now you know what to say: you're going to text her to find out when she wants to meet.

#10: Use an Icebreaker Text

how to text girlsThe longer you wait after getting a girl's number to text her, the weirder it starts to feel. There are a variety of "weirdness" factors that come into play:

  • She wonders when you're going to text her, or
  • She forgets about you altogether; plus
  • You build things up in your head and get awkward, or
  • You push things off so long that she wonders why you're texting a week later

Solution? You need to break the ice.

Breaking the ice gives you the freedom to be more natural later. The awkwardness of wondering whether the conversation will be normal, natural, and comfortable over text is gone, and this new girl knows that you are going to follow up with her, and doesn't have to wonder now whether you will or not.

Breaking the ice sets the tone for you to text women later on without having to introduce yourself or use call backs to when you met to refresh her memory of the emotions she felt while meeting you - because you cemented them while they were still fresh in her mind.

A typical icebreaker text looks like this:

You: Wonderful to meet you, new friend :) -Steve


You: Glad to have met you :) -Steve

You do not:

  • Tell her you "like" her
  • Qualify her ("You're a really cool / amazing / neat girl!")
  • Ask her any questions
  • Propose any dates

You do:

  • Keep it very short
  • Use the word "friend" if possible
  • Sign your name

It's short because this is just to break the ice, and to reassure her that you aren't one of these guys who's already flipping out for her writing her novels even though he knows next to nothing about her yet. You communicate from the outset that you're adhering to the Law of Least Effort and that meeting a new girl isn't a big deal to you (like it is for many men, who are then quick to deluge women with volumes and volumes of text).

You use friend where possible because you want to confuse and intrigue her a little bit. Do you like her or not? She thinks you do... but now you're using this ambiguous term. She's guessing... she's intrigued. Most guys just verbally state their interest right away, and kill the intrigue, excitement, and mystery. Women don't want men like that... they want men who'll keep them guessing and who won't let them know how the story ends, right up until it does.

If a girl seemed to really like you and view you as far higher status than she views herself though, you may elect to drop "friend" so as not to send her into auto-rejection, thinking she can't get you.

And you sign your name because she may well have forgotten it, or if she wants to brush you off she can use this as an easy way to do so. She's either going to:

  • Feel awkward that she's forgotten, and not respond, or

  • Feel awkward that she's forgotten, and have to ask you, or

  • Not be able to dismiss you by saying, "Who's this?" even if she might've been tempted to otherwise

Very, very occasionally, you will get a girl writing, "Who?" back after your initial text, even if it's only a few hours later, and even if you've signed your name. This is almost always a brush-off attempt; don't respond back by telling her who it is.

When I get something like this from a girl - it's rare, but it still happens - I usually just delete the number as no good and move on. If she's THAT disinterested, or her memory of you is THAT poor, you're almost certainly not going to get her out again. You can still play around with numbers like this for practice if you want... just don't expect to get anything. But... this is pretty rare, and unless you're doing tons of approaches you may well never see it so long as you keep signing your name.

When should you send an icebreaker text? About 1 to 4 hours after meeting her.

You can sometimes go sooner, although 30 minutes is about the soonest you want to do this. If you wait too much longer than 3 or 4 hours, you're getting into awkward territory... so break the ice before then.

And don't worry about getting a response; you're texting to break the ice, not open a dialogue. You'll still get dates and lovers from women who don't respond to your icebreaker text; it's just icing on the cake if they do respond.

#11: Don't Wait Too Long

You know those old dating guides that tell you to wait 3 days or a week or whatever it is before even calling a girl?

Throw those handbooks in the garbage pail; they'll do you no good here.

Run things based off how your interaction went when you met her. Use these metrics:

  • If she was excited about you when you met her, text her to set up the date the next day, or even that day if you met her in the afternoon or morning. You'll find you can quickly set up dates for the same day or following day with women who are excited to meet you, and these are always your best bets - the emotions are fresh, the desire is hot, and you create that whirlwind romance feeling that most women dream of experiencing all their lives.

  • If she was just nice toward you when you met her, text her 1 or 2 days later. 1 or 2 days is enough time for her to "make up her mind" if she wants to see you again, but not so much time she'll have lost interest entirely. If you wait longer than that, she may just say, "Ah, I wasn't that interested. Never mind."

  • If you've already been out on a date, see the guide on second dates.

Remember the maxim on here: move faster. If you do too much waiting around, some guy who's a more devoted practitioner of the material on this site (or has discovered some of this on his own) is liable to beat you to the punch, or life may intervene with any number of other momentum-killing roadblocks and detours on your side or hers.

Strike while the iron is hot, or content yourself with an uneven blade (i.e., not very good odds of getting together with her).

#12: Don't Beat Around the Bush

Like we talked about in #7: Women WANT Men Who Are "Just Friends," if you're slinking around trying to trick women into liking you and dating you, women will turn right back around and start slinking around trying to trick you into being platonic friends with them.

One good turn deserves another, says Aesop.

Thus, why all the "text her until she's ready for a date" strategies don't work that well. You can't text your way into somebody's heart.

You've got to do that in person.

If you're sending texts that don't suggest a meet up in the first text (aside from an icebreaker text), then you are beating around the bush.


Because she knows you want something, but you aren't saying what it is.

Catherine knows you weren't sitting there at 2 o'clock in the afternoon when suddenly, out of nowhere, the urge to just find out how Catherine's day was going struck you out of the blue. "Gee," you said to yourself, "I know my day's going swell... but how's the day of that girl Catherine I met at the coffee shop last weekend going?"

She knows you didn't just send a text message to Randy the maintenance guy and Stefo your old college roommate asking them how their days are going. You messaged her... because you want something.

But you're beating around the bush and not telling her what it is.

If you get a message like this from someone:

Person: Hey man, how's your day going? Mine's pretty good; just had a great club sandwich.

... you know this person wants something, and is going to ask you for something.

And if you're not especially inclined to go granting favors, you're probably just going to ignore it, or give a perfunctory reply designed to discourage him or her from asking about it.

You also perceive this behavior as weak.

So don't do this - it moves you further away from being considered attractive and date-worthy, rather than closer.

Instead, your initial message of a conversation is best structured like this:

You: Hope the rest of your weekend was great, Catherine! I ended up taking a trip to Bear Mountain last minute with some friends... it was both surprising and awesome. Let's grab that lunch we talked about later this week - when's good for you schedule-wise?

Nothing hidden. No beating around the bush. Just some light pleasantries, and then what you want is spelled out clear as day.

It's short, brief, and straight to the point - and doesn't make her wonder at all what you're after. Women respond better to this and more consistently to this than any other texting style you'll ever use ("respond" here meaning setting up a date with you, as opposed to entering into an engaging-but-ultimately-unproductive long text banter / conversation, which seems to be most men's idea of a girl being "responsive").

#13: Keep Texts Short

Your first message to kick off a new conversation can be a little bit of an exception to this, just so you have enough space to fit the pleasantries in before the ask.

Other than that though, text messages should not be significantly longer than whatever the length of the last message you received from a girl was. If your texts are much longer than hers are, you're violating sprezzatura - and looking tryhard in the process.

That means if she sends you:

Girl: Hey Charlie, didn't hear from you last week :) What's up?

Don't send her:

You: Hey Marlene, sorry I didn't reply sooner! I was actually SUPER busy last week traveling to meet some new business clients. It's really cool stuff but a lot of work. Did get to see the Cirque du Soleil when I was in Vegas though... wait until you hear about THAT one! Anyway, what've you been up to? Hope all's been well. We still on for lunch this Thursday?

That's okay, and it's good stuff, but it's too much as a reply to a short text. If you've been cool with her, she'll just view it as you being enthusiastic about an awesome week. If you haven't, she'll view it as you trying to force a connection.

Instead, send her this:

You: Sorry Marlene, I was up to my eyeballs last week :/ Tell you about it when I see you. Still lunch on Thursday, yes?

On the other hand, if a girl sends you a wall of text, don't send her, "Cool," or, "Let's do it," as a response... she'll feel awkward and as if you aren't as interested in her as she is in you.

You want her to feel that your interest levels closely match hers. To do that, you'll want to keep your text messages short - and similar in length.

#14: Ask and Share Something Personal to Relate

Imagine last week you met a guy at a networking meeting... he seemed like an okay guy. Not amazing, no great connections that could help you land an awesome new job... nothing like that. Just an okay guy. This new acquaintance asked you if you'd like to grab a beer sometime and shoot the breeze, and you said sure, why not, and gave the guy your phone number.

Now imagine it's a few days later, and you've largely forgotten about this guy. Until he sends you a text message. Which of these three is the most likely to get a "yes" response out of you?

Text Message A:

Acquaintance: Tim, want to grab that beer we talked about tonight?

Text Message B:

Acquaintance: Hey Tim, how'd that audit go? Want to grab that beer we talked about tonight?

Text Message C:

Acquaintance: Hey Tim, how'd that audit go? I've got one of those myself coming up... what a pain. Want to grab that beer we talked about tonight?

If you're like most people, and your time is sacred (and not a free-for-all for anyone who wants it... if that's the case, check out this article from 1922: "Why I Quit Being So Accommodating"), your reactions will be something along the following lines:

  1. "Wait, who is this guy? Do I really want to give him my evening?"

  2. "Is this guy trying to butter me up because he wants something?"

  3. "This guy seems like not a bad guy. I can probably afford a quick drink."

What's the difference? Message C is personal and relates to you.

There's a distinct formula here:

  1. Greet her with her name (yes, this is important, casual texters)
  2. Ask her how something in her life went
  3. Relate to that and share something similar from your life
  4. Ask her to meet you, with a subtle reminder that she already agreed to

The name is to reinforce in her mind that this is a personal text, and not a mass text.

Asking her about something personal is to get her to start relating.

Sharing your own experience in the same vein as the question is to finish up the relating, by showing her that the two of you are not so different.

Asking her to meet you is getting to the point, and mentioning (in passing! Don't put it out directly, unless you want to look like you don't think she's going to say yes) that she's already said "yes" makes her remember why she said "yes" and makes her a lot more likely to say so again this time around.

Keep it personal.

#15: Avoid Asking Too Many Questions / Irrelevant Questions

This one's simple. Don't go around asking girls weird / irrelevant / lots of questions via text. A simple, "How's/How'd your X going/go?" is a formality that makes things more personal, and a question like, "Shall we grab that coffee we discussed this week?" is necessary so a woman doesn't feel like you're unilaterally trying to decide for her (e.g., "Let's grab that coffee we discussed this week," which is too imposing and is likely to lead to resistance).

That's just two questions:

  1. A personal "formality" type question, and

  2. A "buy in" type question about the date.

Other than those two, that's it. No other questions - everything else is irrelevant.

You'll talk to her more when you see her in person. No deep diving via text, my friend; much of its effect is lost without the body language and nonverbal communication.

#16: Ignore Unhelpful Questions and Topics

Sometimes a girl may be on the fence about whether she wants you as a date or a friend. When this is the case, she'll often try to wedge unhelpful or distracting questions or topics into a text conversation to slow things down or try to create banter or rapport, or steer you away from "date-like" activities and toward "friend-like" ones.

That looks like this:

You: Haley, how was your weekend? Hope you got a lot of rest in. I was super lazy all weekend... but sometimes you need weekends like that. Hey, so how about we grab that bite we talked about this week? Let me know what your schedule's looking like and let's get the gears in motion.

Girl: Hey Will... omg, my weekend was insane. Waaay too much drinking Saturday night, never doing that again, lol! Lunch? Let me check what I have going on this week. Oh, btw, did you hear about the new club they're opening up downtown next week? It's called "Motown." We should totally go to that! I have a friend who says he can get tickets.

This is where most guys drop the ball. They feel like something's wrong here... this girl seems to be calling the shots. It's weird. It doesn't feel completely right saying, "Sure, let's go to that club opening..." but they do anyway, because they don't think they have a choice.

They didn't ignore unhelpful stuff. They welcomed it in the front door and left that door open for more to keep pouring in, instead.

Why's this bad? If it's not clear why letting girls lead, going to party dates, and things of that nature are very bad for seduction, see these posts:

Next, when you get hit with unhelpful and distracting topics, just duck and weave:

You:Haley, how was your weekend? Hope you got a lot of rest in. I was super lazy all weekend... but sometimes you need weekends like that. Hey, so how about we grab that bite we talked about this week? Let me know what your schedule's looking like and let's get the gears in motion.

Girl:Hey Will... omg, my weekend was insane. Waaay too much drinking Saturday night, never doing that again, lol! Lunch? Let me check what I have going on this week. Oh, btw, did you hear about the new club they're opening up downtown next week? It's called "Motown." We should totally go to that! I have a friend who says he can get tickets.

You: Oh man, that sounds awesome, though let me take a rain check on Motown! I'm all out of club juice in me lately. There is such a thing as too much clubbing, believe it or not... ;) Well, check your schedule and let me know which day's good for you on grabbing a bite. I've got Wednesday and Thursday free at lunch time, and Saturday free right up until 8 o'clock - let me know if either works!

If the girl just wants you as a friend here, you'll get a negative response back on the date. She'll be "busy" those times, and try to reschedule for some other time (so she maintains the advantage and is in control - which is what she needs to be to friend zone you).

But, if she's on the fence, she'll come back and tell you one of those times works.

Be prepared to have to do a kick-ass job getting some sexual tension brewed up when you meet her though, and have your sprezzatura at full blast, to escape that "possible friend" mantle she's draped around your neck - and make sure you move fast!

#17: Use Interesting Language

This one's hard to teach - it's really just best if you're well-read and have a little experience with writing - but if you can pick some interesting, colorful language out it only helps make your text messages have more "pop" and be all the more appealing (and YOU all the more interesting).

how to text girls

A few words to get you started:

  • "Shall we" instead of "Would you like to" or "Do you want to"
  • "Scoop you" instead of "Pick you up" (in a car, for a date, etc.)
  • "Grab [lunch, a drink, etc.]" or "Snag" instead of "Get" or "Have"
  • Using verbs instead of nouns (e.g., "I napped" instead of "I took a nap")
  • Using active voice ("I got this" instead of "They gave me this")

Colorful language is simply more attractive, and makes you more attractive, too. Its effects on women are closely related to the effects of general humor, which displays social intelligence and increases attraction.

#18: Vary Your Response Frequency

This isn't a problem when you're genuinely busy - when you're involved in a hundred things socially, or you've got six different women you're seeing, or you're running your own business, or you've got a million projects to manage for work, your response time will naturally vary and be lightning quick sometimes, and glacially slow others.

This is optimal. Women respond best to men whose response time is unpredictable, within a certain range. Now, if you always take a day to respond to her, or it happens too much, she'll quickly auto-reject. So don't go overboard.

Basically, don't go too extreme in either direction. If a girl always takes an hour to write you back, don't always write her back in 10 minutes. Instead, write her back in 10 minutes one time... and 2 hours the next.

Response times will tend to vary naturally for most busy people. Actually, if you notice that a woman is:

  1. Always texting you back after the same amount of time (e.g., 40 minutes), or

  2. Always texts you back the same amount of time that it took you to respond to her last text

... you know she's playing games with you. Don't call her out on it, just... be mindful.

And play her game back better than she knows how - vary your response times and don't be predictable.

You'll keep her guessing - and intrigued.

#19: Make Seeing You In Person the ONLY Way to Talk with You

Like we said in #6, girls talk because they like to talk.

And like we said in #7, they WANT guys to be "just friends" with platonically.

How's that affect how you text girls?

Simple: you don't give them what they're looking for over text.

A girl wants a texting buddy? Great!

That's not you.

A girl wants someone to go into deep conversation with over SMS? Fantastic!

It just isn't you.

She wants someone to send her lots of texts and make her feel special? Outstanding!

But she'll have to find someone else for that.

The only thing you use text messages for is getting girls out to meet you IN PERSON.

If she can get her fill of you via text, the odds of her coming out to meet you drop dramatically lower.

But, if she really likes you... and if she really wants to talk with you...

... and she can't get that from you via text message... and you won't talk to her on the phone, either...

... she WILL meet you.

And once the two of you are there, in-person and in the flesh, you can work your magic.

#20: Leave Something Small to Cover, and Send a Pre-Meeting Text

When you set up the actual logistics of a date, it's best to leave some small detail out that you can cover later. While this isn't totally necessary, it's helpful for your pre-meeting text.

You nearly always want to use a pre-meeting text for two reasons:

  1. You reassure your date that yes, you remember the place and time, and you will be there. This nixes any chance of her flaking out of fear of you not showing up.

  2. You give her the opportunity to give you a heads up if she intends to flake. This makes sure you don't waste your time going somewhere if she's going to be late or not make it at all.

A pre-meeting text with a pertinent detail you didn't mention earlier will look like this:

You: Hey Cassie! Heading out in 10 minutes; should be there right at 2 PM. I'll meet you at the subway station's South Exit.

A pre-meeting text if you don't have any specific pertinent data to cover will look like this:

You: Hey Cassie! Heading out in 10 minutes; should be there right at 2 PM. I'll meet grab a seat inside if I'm the first one there.

Either of these work just fine, and both reassure her you're going, and remind her to give you a heads up if she isn't so you don't waste your time (and get angry / annoyed).

If she does flake, of course, see this article on how to follow up:

"What to Do When Girls Flake"

how to text girls

If you've been around on this site for a while, you probably recognize a fair amount of this advice, and encountered a few new things and some fleshing out on the psychology behind why women behave how they do and why we do the things we do.

But if you're brand new here and this is one of the first (or the very first!) things you read, you may be saying to yourself, "Dear God, is texting really this complicated?"

To which I say - nonsense! While this is a lengthy article on an oft-misunderstood subject, the topic matter isn't all that complex.

Let's have a quick review at our steps on how to text girls properly:

The Foundations:

  1. Faulty models are your responsibility to fix, not women's
  2. Phone numbers are easy
  3. Emotions don't "stick"
  4. People want you to reduce their cognitive loads... not pile on
  5. You must keep your eye on the ball (i.e., your purpose for texting)
  6. Girls talk because they like to talk
  7. Women WANT men who are "just friends"
  8. Women cannot "get comfortable with you" over text

The Mechanics:

  1. Propose the date before you ask for the number!
  2. Use an icebreaker text
  3. Don't wait too long
  4. Don't beat around the bush
  5. Keep texts short
  6. Ask and share something personal to relate
  7. Avoid asking too many questions / irrelevant questions
  8. Ignore unhelpful questions and topics
  9. Use interesting language
  10. Vary your response frequency
  11. Make seeing you in person the ONLY way to talk to you
  12. Leave something small to cover, and send a pre-meeting text

What all this leads to (while it might seem complicated at first glance) is vastly simpler and more intuitive text conversations, that clean up in the dates department.

All said and done, here's an example text conversation, start to finish, to give you a feel for what this looks like:

how to text girls[an hour after meeting a new girl]

You: Happy to have made your acquaintance, friend ;) - [your name]

[two hours later]

Girl: Great to meet you too! :)

[36 hours later]

You: Hey Sandy, how'd the weekend turn out? Hope the rest of it was as awesome as the beginnings were :) I ended up going to a pizza party with a bunch of people Sunday night... haven't been to one of those since I was 12. It was fun, though. And, some great pizza. On our bite this week - when's good for you? My schedule's pretty open except Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Let me know what day's best and we'll schedule it up.

[40 minutes later]

Girl: Hey! The pizza party sounds amazing! My weekend was pretty chill... mostly just recovering from Friday, lol. How's Thursday for meeting up? I'm free most of the day.

[25 minutes later]

You: Thursday's perfect. Say 1 o'clock in the afternoon? There's this amazing little café no one knows about on Green Avenue we can check out... they have the most mind-blowing crepes in the world. We can meet at the Green Ave subway stop, it's a short walk from there.

[1 hour later]

Girl: That sounds great, let's do it! See you on Thursday!

[2 hours later]

You: Awesome - see you then, Sandy!

[Thursday, 12:30 PM]

You: Heading out the door in a few minutes, should be there right at 1 o'clock. I'll be at Exit 2C. See you soon!

[5 minutes later]

Girl: Hey, I'm running about 10 minutes behind. Sorry...! I'm coming!

[3 minutes later]

You: No biggie. See you when you get here!

Now compare that to the last 10 texting conversations you had with women... which are more complicated, and which are less?

The only complicated part here is in learning the process. Once you've got it down, you can execute it perfectly, efficiently, and consistently... and it's a thing of pure beauty.

And you'll sit there and look at the cell phones of those poor girls you're sleeping with or dating, and see the volumes and volumes of clueless boring questions they get, endless conversations they're mired in, and really, incredibly witty and interesting texts they're inundated with, and you'll shake your head at the guys sending them.

"I used to be one of those guys," you'll say to yourself. "But that... was another lifetime ago."

And then that thought will pass, and you'll probably never spend a second thought on texting ever again.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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GoldenGlory's picture

Hi Chase

Great tips as always. Some really good articles coming out at the moment. (Found the one on victim mentality especially valuable.)

I wonder if you could clarify a couple of points for me.

You say in this article that: 'Most guys just verbally state their interest right away, and kill the intrigue, excitement, and mystery.'

I'm finding this a little difficult to square with your advocacy of direct approaches and not beating around the bush. Does the above quote apply to text messages only?

Also, I'm a little surprised by the second text in your final example. Firstly, the length. Way way longer than I'd expect. You did mention that the first text might have to be a LITTLE bit longer than later texts but still, wow!
Secondly, the fact that you talk about yourself at some length without being prompted.
This text does make me wonder whether I've been taking sprezzatura and not talking about myself to extremes.

Would you mind explaining why the example text is better than the following?:

Hey Sandy, how'd the weekend turn out? Hope the rest of it was as awesome as the beginnings were :) On our bite this week - when's good for you? My schedule's pretty open except Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Let me know what day's best and we'll schedule it up.



Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Golden,

The difference between direct openers and not beating around the bush and simply laying all your cards out on the table is this: with the one, you're showing interest, but wrapping it up in a veil of tension and intrigue and interest; with the other, you're just dumping your cards out on the table, and it's not terribly alluring.

To get a picture of this, imagine two scenarios: one, in which a beautiful woman in a slinky red dress slides up next to you and whispers, in an incredibly sexy tone, "I think you're very hot," then leans back, stares you in the eyes, and smiles the most alluring smile you've ever seen. Then she leans in again, right up against your ear so that you can feel her breath, and says to you, "Take me somewhere."

And the other, in which a beautiful woman in a slinky red dress walks up to you, stops right in front of your face, and says, in the most matter-of-fact tone she can muster, "I like you and think you're a really attractive guy and I'd like it if you took me on a date and took me home afterwards."

Very different feel, no? That's the difference between directness and intrigue sprinkled in with mystery and allure, versus verbally stated interest with little or nothing left to the imagination about what is to come.

And women are much more sensitive to this than men.

On the lengthy first message: having tested both quite extensively, I found that sacrificing brevity for a message that hits on all the right points is ideal. Though, if it's long, it's GOT to be well-constructed... you want her to start reading it and just breeze right through it, smiling and laughing and anxious to reply back.

The shorter example - if you go back to point #14, and look at the examples, the difference is the lack of sharing. She cannot relate to you if you give her nothing to relate on. If it's just "Question about her, comment about her, question about date, comment about date," it feels like she's being pitched or sold to by some faceless person. On the other hand, when it's "Question about her, comment about her, comment about you, question about date, comment about date," it feels much more akin to the natural flow of a conversation, and she gets far more comfortable and far more likely to say, "Yes, absolutely - let's meet."

In texting, it's sometimes necessary to go longer in order to communicate the right sentiments. Though, use this sparingly... you usually want to follow up a long message with at least a couple of short ones.


GoldenGlory's picture

Cheers for explaining that Chase, appreciated. I see what you mean now about being direct yet maintaining some intrigue - 'woman A' has some serious game.

I'll also give the long first text a whirl and see how it works out. It's time for me to go back over your stuff on attainability/warmness I think. Might not be the most 'glamorous' material, but I'm really starting to see its importance now I've improved my fundamentals and got in good shape.


Jesse C.'s picture

I already glanced through the headlines, like what I saw... this has been added to my reading list

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jesse, thanks for stopping by! Cool to see you on the site, man.

Honored that I made it onto your reading list. You might need to take a healthy chunk of time out of your schedule to plow through this one though ;)


The Tool's picture

Excellent article chase. Yea its crazy how women will text you and text you making you believe they want something more. When this happens I send this following text. (hope you think its appropriate) Girl says she is too busy but continues to text "hows it going" "whats up?" but never agreeing to go out.

Girl (for second time) I'm really busy sorry. (no counter offer)
Me. "alright. im a guy with enough experience that I know when a woman is interested in me or just wants me as a plutonic guy friend or texting buddy. And I refuse to be the guy slotted in that area you will have to find someone else for that. I have abundance and dont have time for stuff like this."
Girl. "either responds or doesent"

Thoughts? I know its probibly not needed and I should just drop her and not text her back but I like getting my point across you know?

Cheers. The Tool

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Tool,

I understand the emotion here - it's a bit of giving her her comeuppance. From a pure results standpoint though, I think you'll find this is actually counterproductive - it looks a bit petty. While it can be effective to pick fights with women who are emotionally invested in you to force resolution, women who aren't will simply write you off as dramatic and walk away.

What I find works better in these situations is to text a girl something like, "Hey, seems like you're pretty busy. Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to keep texting you and I'm sure you don't either, so let's just throw this one on ice for now, and you get in touch with me when you're ready to hang out some time. Savvy?"

When you do it in a really cool way like that, this girl, who was previously avoiding you and thinking that you weren't cool enough / attractive enough / compelling enough for her, suddenly has second thoughts. You'll sometimes get a, "Hey, sorry, I've just been blah blah blah. Are you free this weekend?"

It's a good way of calmly / coolly resetting her impression of you and getting her to take action.

Be mindful though, when you meet up with her she's usually on "friendship maintenance mode" - she's only meeting up with you so as not to lose a "friend." You need to pull out some pretty heavy turnaround game, and she requires a lot more work than a girl who's just into you by default.

Most of the time, even when I've had these girls agree to meet me, I end up canceling on them because I don't want to put in the work, personally. Call me lazy...


The Tool's picture

Ah thanks Chase for the insight. Yea your right, I really do not want to put in the extra work either. So I will just not respond any more.

Lanoa's picture

...but I would say that this text does not get much of the job done. You know, if the girl is just a bit savvy, she's gotta know that guy 'who has abundance' is not going to text a girl just to tell her that. May work, I can't predict that, actually these kinds of direct approaches could work if she is just trying what she can do with you and testing, but is indeed interested. If she avoided the date for the second time though, well I guess I would not spend time working on girls that slotted me in their friend territory. My 2c.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,
After getting through the initial texting process and setting up multiple dates (Over a period of 1-3 months) with a female, do you still only use texting solely for setting up dates?

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

I do, yeah. But then again, I lead a somewhat non-ordinary life - I don't spend much time sitting around watching TV, or hanging out shooting the breeze with friends, or engaging in long texting conversations with anybody. For me, these are inefficient uses of time to be minimized where I could be doing something meaningful instead of sitting around like a chimpanzee picking ticks out of someone else's fur in order to bond more. But not everyone has the same view as I do... many people might look at the mad scramble to "do stuff" as being hopelessly misguided, and say that relaxing and enjoying yourself and being with friends and communicating with loved ones is really what it's all about.

I guess this depends on how you want your relationship to go. Some guys who are younger / more in love with girls tend to want to text back and forth with them a lot (or, the girl will want to do this). What you need to plan out is if you are still dating this girl in 2 years, and the early passion and emotion has faded, what do you want your daily texting routine to look like then?

Most guys, once they've reached that point, don't want to spend a lot of time texting back and forth with their girlfriends anymore. But if you text early in the relationship and try dialing it down later, it's going to feel to her as if the relationship has "lost" something, and as if you "love her less."

It's much better to start out with less, and build up to more, but most people do it in reverse, and it leads to a lot of relationship distress later on.

Just think of your early (during the first two years) practices with a girlfriend as the practices you are committing yourself to for the rest of your life (or however long you spend with her). So if you text her 20 times a day every day, be prepared to do that forever or deal with unending relationship strife down the road because you don't text her like you used to anymore.


Ace's picture

What should I do in this scenario:

ME: _______, howdy. How was your weekend? I went to________ with a few of my buddies and spent the day... it was relaxing and fun at the same time. When's good for you to grab a bite this week? Let me know what your schedule is like.

(2 hours later)

HER: Pretty busy this week, actually :/ I MIGHT be able to do Friday evening but I'm not 100% sure.

Now here is the context: I've seen this girl many a'times and she is very interested in me, so I really don't see this as a brush off. She is just really busy with family and work, as many girls are. How do you respond to the "might"?

Normally I would be inclined to answer:

ME: Friday evening is good for me. Just let me know!

HOWEVER, after reading through this article, that seems like I am trying too hard to make myself available, and killing whatever intrigue may be there. Also it puts me in a weird spot of waiting for her "all-clear" and in the event of no date, trying to make other plans. I know she has too much power in this situation, and I want to flip it. Of course, the ultimate goal is to get her out on a date and move the interaction in person. Your help is always appreciated.

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Ace,

With "might," I tend to make girls either A) give me a concrete answer, or B) reschedule.


You: _______, howdy. How was your weekend? I went to________ with a few of my buddies and spent the day... it was relaxing and fun at the same time. When's good for you to grab a bite this week? Let me know what your schedule is like.

Her: Pretty busy this week, actually :/ I MIGHT be able to do Friday evening but I'm not 100% sure.

You: Cool. I can do Friday night but I've got to know, basically, now, if we're going to set it up. Otherwise, if you're really not sure, then let's just schedule for next week. Preference?

This usually works pretty well.


Ace's picture

Doesn't that response sound a little bit harsh, especially considering the warm and friendly tone of the initial date asking text? I mean, it would certainly send a message and flip the interaction (like I did ask for, haha). I'm in college- so thinking the girls in my age target could interpret it the wrong way.... Curious to know if you agree.

Could an alternative be that introduces at least some scarcity and doubt:

Me: Ok let me know.

Friday morning

Her: Hey yeah! I can do about 7pm tonight? What were you thinking?

Me: Bonjour [nickname]. Good thing you just texted me because I was just about to make other plans to go out and hit the town... yeah, 7pm would work. How about we meet inside the cafe by your flat and go from there?

or (depending on what I have going on... like another date option :P)

Me: Bonjour [nickname]. I didn't hear back from you in time so I made other plans to go out and hit the town. But why don't we just reschedule for next week, what is your schedule like?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Ace,

The challenge here is that you want to give her some wiggle room to reschedule, but at the same time you're also looking to make it clear that you do not have time to waste. Reason being, you want to jar her into viewing you differently.

Women don't say, "Well, I MIGHT have this day / date available, but I don't know for sure..." with men they're highly attracted to and highly respect. They say this with men they view as lesser than themselves or whom they see themselves as having their thumb on. When you're too accommodating in your reply and tell the girl just to let you know, all you do is to confirm to her that you'll patiently wait while she sees if she has a slot for you... or not.

Some terseness / harshness thrown in is designed to make her take a step back and say, "Whoa. What? This guy is making DEMANDS? But in a cool / socially savvy way? Was I... WRONG about him, and he's actually NOT a pushover nice guy?"

Sometimes these girls will disappear, because they simply weren't interested in you as anything other than a guy who'd just hang around them and give them attention when they wanted it. Other times they'll begin to chase, when they realize they misjudged you and you aren't the nice guy they thought or expected.


Wes's picture

This post couldn't have come at a better time!
I had started to forget what I learned from texting and you brought it back AND gave extra.
Thanks Chase.

(adding to reading list also. I will have to re-read this until it sticks)

Chase Amante's picture

Glad to hear it, Wes. Texting's one of those areas where things are straightforward... but relatively high stakes since there's no nonverbal to correct course with and no second chances when you make a misstep - getting it right the first time makes a big difference.


Garrett's picture

Hello Chase!

I was wondering the same thing as The Tool. If a girl is doing something, such as playing games when you are texting, I'm aware of the fact that you SHOULD NOT call her out on it. You also mentioned to play the game BACK but BETTER. Under what circumstances would it be appropriate to call a girl out on something, or instead, should you just reciprocate the act and one up her without mentioning it? Out of curiosity, I've call a girl out on auto-rejection, although it didn't go as was anticipated...


Chase Amante's picture

Hey Garrett,

Just responded to Tool's comment above - have a look at my reply. Essentially, you want to avoid calling her out in a confrontational way, and simply make it clear that your time is valuable (while suggesting that hers is too - she'll actually view your time as legitimately more valuable that way) and to reschedule later.


Funman's picture

Hey Chase,

1) There is a dating coach who advises we give our phone number out to women instead asking for their number. This way only the ones who are interested in us would contact us.

He also says once they contact us, invite them to our place directly to hook up and don't go out on traditional dates coffee, dinner etc.

What is your opinion about this?

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Funman,

I haven't played around with this much since I was a beginner, simply because I tend to meet a lot of more conservative / shy girls and many of them will not contact you, even if they really like you. They can't overcome their anxiety about making first contact.

However, if you're in a space where you're consistently meeting more outgoing / aggressive / open-minded women, this can work very well, IF you're coming across with a strong presence. There was a guy I knew who was a very in-shape, very dominant, very witty nightclub bouncer, and he'd just pass his number out to girls with the philosophy that if she's interested, she'll call, and it was a much more efficient screening tool than him having to follow up with every girl himself. It had the added benefit of girls contacting him, and him getting to be the one who said, "Who's this?" and make them work to jog his memory.

You need some presence to pull it off, and you need to do it with the right girls. But properly done, this can be very useful. Just don't expect it to work consistently with shier girls, or if your presence still needs a fair amount of tweaking or you're not getting strong initial attraction consistently with girls.


M's picture

Hey Chase,

Great post! I'm glad to say that I've followed most of these tips with girls (thanks to your previous articles), and it has made everything so simple and clear as you said, and I get exactly the kind of simple date I want.

Two questions on smiling/laughing:

How can I get vocal warmth without smiling while I talk?
How much should I smile and laugh while I'm talking with girls (or people in general, if that's different)? For instance, should I smile while I'm talking? Should I smile while I'm listening to her? Should I laugh whenever she says something funny? I tend to smile/laugh too much and too long, but sometimes when I tone it down, I worry that I'm coming across as too boring or cold or serious.



Chase Amante's picture

Hey M,

Fantastic to hear about the success you've had with this style of texting. Well done.

On smiling and laughing: see this article-

Smile Warmly, Smile Sexy

... and work on making your smiles and laughs smaller and sexier.

Basically, you still want to use smiling and laughter, but you want it to be slower... subtler... and with a greater degree of sensuality.

This makes you come across as both more dominant and more attractive, and gives you the effect you're looking for.


Al's picture

Sup Chase,

Really enjoyed reading this. I Have a question regarding point 19. When a girl sets out to make you her texting buddy how do you go about politely rebutting them. To clarify I am refering to when a girl texts you regarding things unrelated to the date (banter, uni work, etc). I find it quite hard to shut down a convo or convey the message I am not a platonic texting buddy without sounding hostile and blunt, any tips from the master?

On a semi related note, I have noticed I have a big issue of over-investing in people. Quite often this only strikes me after an interaction that I have over-accomadated and invested significantly more than the person I conversed with (even in platonic interactions). Do you have any additional pointers on how to invest less for approval-junkies?

Hope you had a great Christmas and have a happy new year,

PS: Just read that you have visited Mongolia, you are the only westerner besides myself I know that took that plunge. Good on you!

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Al,

Mongolia... yeah, that was interesting! Didn't find it particularly my taste, but a good adventure nonetheless, and good adventures are worth having.

On texting buddy situations: this one's straightforward enough - just take a long time to reply! If your replies to "texting buddy" type texts take a long time to come back, girls quickly realize you're not texting buddy material. "He's no fun, he takes forever to respond!" This is doubly true if your responsive don't give the emotion boost they need - e.g., you don't share any stories of your own, don't ask questions... basically don't relate, and just give a token response instead (such as, "That's pretty intense. Glad you made it out of that restaurant alive!").

On being overly accommodating - you're doing things to relive tension (make people feel good). To cut back, try getting more comfortable with tension instead. So, when ordinarily you'd contribute to make people feel good, try an experiment and see what happens if you don't do ANYTHING and just sit there silently and powerfully and let the tension build. See what happens. What SHOULD happen is you're going to begin realizing the power of tension, and begin to get more comfortable using it and not always racing to be accommodating in order to relieve it.


Maxz's picture

Hey Chase, another article that just rocks. Wish all men in the world who are stumbling with women could find this site.

A question I had for you Chase was lately I have been getting women's numbers but not exchanging numbers with them. It is something I am doing on purpose. And I do not text them an hour or two hours later after getting the number. I just text them a day later and say " Hey Joan, how is it going?''.

The Girls usually respond with some intrigue asking "Who is this?". I tell them who I am and where we met and I just carry on from there. This move as been working for me and it goes counter to your advise of texting them after getting the number an hour or four hours later. I'm not disputing your advise cause I know it works like gangbusters, but why do you think girls still respond to the way I am doing it?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Maxz,

Be wary here of valuing reactions over results. You'll get more and "funner" responses from girls with opinion openers in nightclubs ("Quick, I need a female opinion! Who lies more, men or women?"), but you'll spend a lot of unnecessary time on women who are only interested in gabbing with you and nothing more, and you'll have a far lower closing rate than you will by opening direct or indirect direct. You also stand a pretty good chance of actually scaring off the girls who want something to happen with you and don't just want to chat about superficial things.

"Who is this?" normally tends to result more in confusion (or even mild annoyance) than it does intrigue. When I get a text from someone I don't know, my first reaction is, "Who is this silly goose who doesn't even bother to give me her name?" and of the girls I've seen get message from people they don't recognize, that's often their reaction, too ("Do you think I should write back to this guy? I don't even know who this is").

So yeah, you CAN get just about any kind of conversation going over text... it's very possible. But look at what the results of a given style of texting are for you.

Remember, women will be nicer to you when you're harmless / friendly / socially not very savvy. But they don't go to bed with guys they need to be nice with and take care of the emotions of.

Base your actions off of results, rather than reactions, and you'll soon find you're getting your best returns.


Vaughn 's picture

Chase I just want to know two things. If I'm a naturally funny guy and I don't work hard to make people laugh and they just do because I'm a witty sarcastic guy by default, does that mess me up with seduction? My second question is about how you use the term "friend" with women. You say to text her "nice to make a new friend" and "sorry if I hurt your feelings, friends?" i remember you saying it makes them wonder and it makes you more intriguing, but if you use the word friend won't she think you want to be friends? Please explain how I can make that work without coming on to strong without putting all of my cards on the table and how not to be too subtle and not go into the friend zone? Thank you!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Vaughn,

Girls laughing because you're naturally funny is good, to an extent. But at some point you've got to zero in your focus and dial the humor way down, unless it's very sexual and very suggestive. The closer you move to seduction, the more of a bedroom demeanor you and the girl need to have - if you can't imagine her doing it in the bedroom while you're taking her clothes off, you don't want her doing it in intimate conversation either.

On the word "friend" - well, imagine if you met some pretty new girl, and she did this to you. What's your emotion? Suddenly, it's - wait, what? Does this girl like me or not? Does that mean she isn't that into me? It gives you uncertainty, and shifts the power dynamic in her favor - now she's calling the shots.

It's better for you if you're the one doing that, than the girl. Things progress better, more swiftly, and more correctly with the man in control - and calling a girl "friend" is one of those little things that can help do that.

It's really another aspect of indirect game - verbally indirect, nonverbally direct. See this article for more on that:

How to Use Indirect Game to Get Girls


Anonymous's picture

sup chase?I was wondering if you could do a post on being me learning how to be passionate is essential to being a good lover.also do you have any tips on discovering passionate women?I feel like me being passionate would improve my sexiness and make women more drawn to me.thanks again for the insights!

Chase Amante's picture

Hi Anon,

Sure, I can write something on that. Passion's a difficult subject - all the more fun to write on!

On discovering passionate women: look for energy levels. The more she's bouncing around, full of life and vigor, and wildly optimistic, the more passionate she is. A very sexual woman tends to be a very passionate one too - if she's very confident and knows what she wants, touches you, smiles sexy, etc.

Those are the two basic passion prototypes to look for:

  • Raw, boundless energy, or
  • Sultry, steaming sensuality

Either of those two women tend to be bursting at the seams with passion.

Avoid calm, cool, non-sexual women - they're the penultimate examples of dispassionate lovers.


studentofthegame's picture

Chase and company!I don't know if you guys have noticed or if Chase has mentioned it but I can not stress enough on how vital touch is.for one came across some info based in studies from psychologists that babies who are not touched often enough grow weaker than those that are(you can google it ifu you have time)secondly if have you guys watched also these shows like Jerry springer and the Murray show(though I don't recommend it)you would have probably noticed that when the guy fails the pregnancy or cheating test the guy rush to the woman immediately and wraps his body around her though she might resist probably because women like security and being flushed with emotions the woman succumbs most of the time .this is a perfect example of how oxyotin (forgive my spelling) is important in building trust .chase has strongly recommended touching women and I hope these insights would further convince us to start building trust by TOUCHING WOMEN RIGHT NOW!!! More grease to everyones elbows:)

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Student,

Absolutely. You can skip touch once you start getting advanced, but particularly when you're starting out, touch is vital. When you're still working on creating a sexual vibe with your speech and nonverbals, using touch can act as a capable substitute for increasing desire, comfort, and connection.

A few of the articles here on touch:


Sam's picture

Very deep and useful, Chase.

What should a man do if he asks a girl out right on the spot (before getting her number) and the girl gives him a later time frame? Should he comply with the time she gives him to text her even if this violates the "move fast with women"? Should he let the days pass without texting her just to comply with her schedule? Example happened to me last Tuesday:

Me:" what is your schedule tomorrow?"
Her: "Tomorrow is my name's day bla bla"
Me: "What about this week in general?"
Her: "I will be packed this week, but we can do it next week if you like"
Me: "Ok, write your number"

I am asking because I did not wait for next week to come to text her. I texted her yesterday. No reply so far. Should I have waited until next week?

Many thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Sam,

I'm not 100% sure I follow - you mean texting her when she tells you to text her? If you get a girl telling you to text her at a certain time, that's an indication that she views her self as "above" you and you as "beneath" her, and she sees you as chasing after her (and she isn't all that interested). When you get this, you're not going to get anywhere with the girl 99 times out of 100, so my normal recommendation here is to simply say something like, "You know what, that's way too much detail for me to remember so why don't I give you my number and you text me."

She almost never will (she wasn't all that interested if she was being that dismissive in the first place), but it's a nice way of putting the ball back in her court when she was trying to make you be the one chasing after her and a more gracious way for you to exit the conversation than simply hanging your head and slinking off. Give her your number and instructions to text... then move on, because you're not going to hear from her. See if you can figure out where things went wrong or you misread the situation, and do better with the next girl.

If you meant you tried getting specific on dates, don't do it then - you just want to propose a date, then ping her for her schedule later. The more specific a window of time you give a girl to meet you, the more likely you are to get turned down, because people simply have schedules and plans and things to do, and even if they don't they may not be so sure they want to agree to a specific window of time straight away. Instead, just say, "Let's grab some food sometime next week," then get her contact info and figure out the time and day over text.


Sam's picture

Thank you for your fast reaction.

True, I was not very clear.

You meet a girl this week. You ask her if she will be available tomorrow. She says this week she is packed and she counter-proposes the drink to take place next week.

So, I was wondering whether you actually follow this and contact her 7 days later, just because she is available then and not earlier. I personally contacted her 2 days later, despite the fact I knew she would not be available.
Could that be a problem?

Penguin's picture

Great article Chase :) I've learnt even more about texting. One thing confused me though...

In point 15 you say that the invitation must be a question so you're not deciding on her behalf, but in your point 12 good example with Catherine you said "Let's grab that lunch". How do you know when to make it a question or not?


Chase Amante's picture

Hey Penguin,

Good catch, that is an inconsistency there; my mistake on contradicting myself and casting some confusion into the mix.

You can get away with making it a statement / assuming that she's just going to come along with you when it's already clear that she REALLY likes you and very much wants to see you. In that case, you can make it a statement and take a very strong leadership role. You can also do this with women who are clearly quiet and submissive and want/need to be led. Generally speaking, the softer and more feminine she is, the more a statement will appeal to her and the more likely it is to work.

The rest of the time, yeah, you want a question, as it makes it more of a joint effort. Especially with modern Western women, you want things to be as "joint" as possible, as there's a culturally inherited resistance to being "decided for" that you can trigger a negative reaction out of by "telling a girl you're going out." Questions can still be okay with feminine women too... they're just a bit less exciting, and don't set as strong a tone for the date.

Generally speaking, if you're not sure if you can use a statement, don't (unless you're playing around or experimenting). Err on the side of questions for a higher probability of getting girls out on dates.


Anonymous 's picture

What's a good opener for club game and What are good easy topics you can talk about so I can get the number fast while still on the dance floor? I know you say move somewhere quieter but I want to do it in a numbers way, which is getting as many numbers as I can in a short amount of time. Thanks chase.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

On openers, see these:

The majority of what I recommend using is in there. Another old standby is the line, "You are having waaay too much fun over here," said in a deadpan / sarcastic tone of voice and with sexy facial expressions. When you're not sure what to say, that one makes for a reliable fall back line 90% of the time.

On dance floor, see this:

The dance floor's generally best for rapid physical escalation, but if you use it solely for phone numbers you'll quickly find you get mostly flakey numbers. The same girl who's really excited about giving you her number when she's grinding with you on the dance floor will see you calling or texting the next day and say, "Eww, there's that club grinder guy who goes around grinding with every girl on the dance floor... I can't believe I gave him my number!"

If you want to use it for phone numbers, I'd suggest trying a little touch and a little banter while dancing, then dragging the girl off the dance floor and having a conversation. You'll get more out of a phone number from a couple of girls you spent 10 or 15 minutes on having real conversations with than you will with phone numbers from 10 or 15 girls you only danced, grinded, and bantered with.


Chill Phil's picture

Salutations Chase,

After reading your ebook I've been keeping up with the blog for almost a year now, and I must say its pretty solid.

Online dating has been somewhat of a sticking point for me (even with the tips provided in your post on writing messages).

Could these 20 tips on texting be successfully applicable to online dating?

Would you be able to write a more comprehensive post about success with online dating (similar to the Facebook post -- which was very insightful by the way).

You've got something special...Keep it up!


Chase Amante's picture

Hi Phil,

Glad to hear you've been finding the blog so solid!

Most of these are just as applicable to online dating, too. The sole exception would be points like setting up the date before you get into messaging, or using messaging solely for setting up dates - because you haven't actually met her in person yet, you do need to build a little banter with her first.

Online is one I've been seeing a lot of guys asking for, yeah, so it's certainly on my list of posts to get up. In the meantime, there's one on message writing here that might help:

3 Essential Tips for Online Dating Message and Email Writing

... and an example profile with messages that I used to use a few years back:

Chase's Guide to Online Dating (2010)

Hopefully those help give a little inspiration prior to me actually getting a proper post on this up.


Jgig's picture

Hey Chase,

Your information on your threads is incredible and i have used as much info as possible so far.

I have a question regarding the beginning of this thread. I have known this girl for around 3 years now. We've talked on and off, just as friends for the first couple months i knew her because she had a bf, as i didn't wasn't to impose because that's not how i roll. We re connected about a month back only because she Began texting me. Keep in mind i had liked thus girl from the moment i saw her.Anyways, we hung out a few times got a tad intimate, but all of a sudden she didn't answer my text i sent her, which was uncommon. I ended up sending about 6 messages in a weeks time with no replies. Long story short,i am friends with her bro and asked him to ask her i, friends orf anything was wrong, our why she didn't respond. She got mad at me sending me a text,i responded only to not get a reply. Turns out my phone want sending her messages. About a month has past since then and i done with newer a couple days ago. I was blunt, after an engaging hello text,i asked her weekday the Plan was with us, we gonna be just friends or Trey this, she responded with,"lets just be friends for now and of it's suppose to happen it will, it didn't work out to well last time." So i had a short conversation via text just being friendly yesterday and she was more lively in get responses. Is there any way i could get this girl into me again, because being friends with her just wouldn't cut it. It's all our nothing for me, and i would like to display that message to her do she gets that, I'm not afraid to walk away from her, and I'm not going to sit around. Any ideas?

Thanks for your time

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Jgig,

I covered exactly your situation in there - the date where you get somewhat far with her, but not all the way - just a week or so ago, in fact.

See this post:

3 Second Date Strategies to Make Her Flirt and Swoon


Matt's picture

Hi Chase,

Just came across your blog and I’ve got to say how extremely impressed I am with it. Every article I’ve read, I’ve had one of those “that’s so true moments.” Your type of text message styles is spot on and unfortunately, I realized after reading this post that I find myself in the second and third category. I tend to be pretty witty over text, but I end up just continuing the conversation, not getting any concrete results or a meet up. If only I had your blog before the certain situation I’m in…

So here’s the issue, I met this very attractive girl out at a club and we exchanged numbers. Very quick exchange, and I regrettably didn’t suggest getting together sometime later. I ended up messaging her the next afternoon, asking her what’s up. We exchanged a few messages while varying my response time, but after a couple messages, she hasn’t responded and I have said nothing about getting together.

I would like to ask her to hang out but after no response I do not know how to, without coming off as desperate. How do I recover from my mistake and get her interested in going out with me? What would your next message be?

Thanks again for all your advice.


Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Matt,

In this situation, you're essentially looking at a scenario where one way or the other, the girl's ended up losing some attraction for you, so you need a chance to get her out and build it back up again.

I'd recommend finding something really cool and fun to do, ideally with other people (e.g., a cool party), that she'd likely be excited about, then calling her up to invite her. Make it a short call, primarily just about asking her and not about building up rapport, and get off the phone once you have your answer. If she doesn't pick up, send her a text message rather than leave a voicemail.

Making a phone call can break things up a bit when she isn't responding to texts. It's also a more "savvy" thing to do, and communicates you don't have a lot of time to waste - she knows she hasn't responded to your last few texts, so if you only text without calling it looks like another shot in the dark / hoping against hope. Calling is a sign of you thinking, "Okay, texts don't go through so I won't waste my time, I'll just call."


Rule56's picture

Hey Chase!

Just discovered your blog this weekend in search of some texting advice. I'll share a little bit of my experience using some of what I learned.

I was texting a girl I just recently met and really liked. We seemed to get along well and have some good banter at first . However, I definitely continued to text after way after I should have stopped and tipped the power balance in her favor. After reading this article and a few other posts here, I started to realize I made more mistakes than one.

I decided to wait a day and implement a few of the things posted her to reel her back in, so to speak. I did manage use some tips here to get get her to agree to grab dinner with me without much effort. But she gave me a response that pretty much said 'yes[to the day/time we discussed], if I am in town.' (She said was headed out of town for New Years). A day or two later I tried one of your strategies trying to get her to commit while giving her the option to reschedule. My text was somewhat of a copy of your example.

However, it kind of back fired because she took my text to mean that I didn't have time for her and that I was playing games, not like I meant which was that I value my time and it is limited. I had to firefight a bit but I did end up smoothing things out and reschedule the date. (turns out she was more interested than I thought and was fully intending on making sure to be back for our initial date). Jury is still out on this one, but I'm wondering if I would have had a different outcome with a different girl.

In the online arena, I have also been trying out some the texting strategies here in messages and also after I have gotten phone numbers. I have actually gotten more numbers in the past couple days than I have in the past few weeks combined. Not to mention, my response rate has skyrocketed. I've even garned a few dates from trying out these strategies already. Next step is trying some of the first date sex tips you've written about. Usually takes me to at least date 2.

I've definitely read enough here to want to continue checking in to see what's new on a daily basis. Keep up the good work, this site is my new go-to for dating help and advice.

Best Regards,

Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Rule,

That's great news on the phone numbers and dates! Pretty amazing how the difference a few tweaks can make.

The New Year's texting girl sounds like she's playing games herself. The fact that she got upset about you not being available for her when couldn't guarantee she'd be available for you hints at her being rather emotionally invested, and her suspecting you of playing games with your (I assume pretty natural) response to her "Maybe, if I can fit you into my schedule" message smells like she's the one who's playing around (people tend to suspect you of the things they themselves are guilty of). Well, don't play with fire unless you want to get burned, I always say... you called her bluff, and she got upset about it... you're probably in a better position now, actually!

Good luck moving things quickly on your first dates with all these new girls in 2013!


Anonymous's picture

Basically, I met this girl a couple of times at my work, we became facebook friends and then started talking a lot for about 2 weeks, mostly through txts as she gave me her number early on without me asking.

She's now around and I've asked her to hangout a couple of times, she said yes on the onetime that I called a photography date as we both like to take photos, and she has made it clear she wants to hangout with me very soon.

She is extremely attractive and I'm pretty average but don't lack confidence as I've been a very outgoing guy my entire life, but I really don't know what to do to get this going the way I want.

Part of me feels like she isn't interested in me on dating terms, but I figure if she wants to hangout and we get more face time, there's always the possibility of it happening.

I asked her to hangout this weekend, but she said she is staying with her friend and has to figure out her schedule but would like to hangout if she can.

Am I being friend zoned?Not being direct enough?How should I move on to get this going, as I like this girl a lot and would very much like to date her but don't know how to get her.


Alby's picture

how do you end messages? most of the time i get the message with the end xx or xo its the normal female end to a message, but how best to respond?

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