In the article on second dates, Todd comments on a girl he's met and some of the texting they've done between their first date and second, and finishes up with the questions below:
“What's the next step? I don't want her to lose interest, but I'm gone for this entire week. We said we'd get together next week once I'm back. Do I just want an entire week before I give her another call/text? I don't want to fall out of her mind.”
If you've been around on this site a bit, you know the philosophy on how to text girls here is this:
- Write your texts simple and to-the-point
- Don't get mired in long text conversations
- Keep your eye on the ball (i.e., setting up dates)
You probably even know some of the rationale behind that... if you've ever found yourself in a long, frustrating back-and-forth trying to figure out how on Earth you're going to get this girl you've traded 10,000 text messages with out on a date, you've had an inkling of this already.
But, the temptation may still be strong to enter into some witty text banter, and do a fair amount of "maintenance" texting... after all, no harm can come from being in contact, right?
This post is put together to break you of any remaining predilections you might have for engaging in long / witty / thoughtful text conversations with women, and show you clearly, precisely, and unequivocally why you must focus not on building rapport over text... but on sorting out dating/meeting logistics, and that's it.
Let's dive in.
This article builds on the groundwork laid in previous articles on how to text girls we've published before - if you haven't seen them already, read these first, then come back here:
- How to Text a Girl
- What to Text Girls to Get DATES
- Text Girls to Success: Phone Secrets, Part I
- What to Do When a
Girl Doesn't Text Back
... if you're short on time (or attention), and just have time for
one of those, read "How to Text a Girl" first, and come back to the
rest later. That one serves as a nice, condensed introduction to the
simplified form of texting we teach here.
So, what's the harm in texting like a normal guy, anyway? Why not just text... you know... the same way you've been texting?
The Three Kinds of Normal Guy
There are basically three strains of text messaging styles prevalent among the men out there today:
- Clueless Boring Questions Guy™
- Endless Conversations Guy™
- Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™
... ranked here in order of prevalence, from most to least commonly encountered, though even though he's ranked last, the Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™ is still not all that uncommon.
Before we dive into what you want to be doing with women to actually get results out of texting, let's start with looking at what these three guys do, and why it doesn't work. Try not to be too miffed if you realize you're one of these guys halfway down... because if so, you're exactly the target demographic of this article.
Can't fix the problem unless you know the problem exists in the
first place, right?
Clueless Boring Questions Guy™
The most diabolically annoying to women of texters, the Clueless Boring Questions Guy™, hereafter abbreviated as CBQG, has absolutely zero clue how to text girls, what girls would like to see in a text message, or even what women are like most of the time in general, period. At no time has CBQG ever sat down and asked himself,
"If I was a girl, how would I respond to a message like this?"
He immediately assumes that all women are like him - lonely and without many options - and thus should be thrilled to hear from him, even if all they hear from him are clueless boring questions like,
- What's up?
- How's it going?
- How was your weekend?
- What are you doing?
- Do you have plans?
CBQG assumes that women must love getting texts like this from him, because he'd love getting texts like this from them, so of course it must go both ways.
CBQG often becomes frustrated when women don't answer his questions, and wonders why he doesn't get responses. He thinks women are difficult to understand, and make things needlessly complicated.
At no point does CBQG sit down and think to himself,
- Most women are inundated all day with lame requests from lame guys
- Most guys text, write, and say to women the same lame things all the time
- Oh no! If I send women lame texts, women will assume I'm lame, too!
This never occurs to him, because CBQG knows himself so well that he knows that he's certainly not lame, and he assumes that everyone else must know this too, even if he behaves the same way that other men, who actually are lame, do.
"She'll know I'm not lame, even if I seem totally lame," CBQG thinks, "otherwise, she's totally shallow and not worth my time!"
CBQG believes that it's women's responsibility to recognize his inner awesomeness and to fight through the lameness he exhibits on the outside to discover his awesomeness inside.
CBQG spends many nights alone, angry, hurt, and confused at how the world can be so confusing and so cold.
Endless Conversations Guy™
Endless Conversations Guy™, hereafter ECG, was usually a CBQG who one day looked at his phone, devoid of responses to the text messages he'd sent out, and said to himself,
"If I was a girl, how would I respond to a message like this?"
... and in a flash of insight, he realized he'd been doing it all wrong.
ECG is, you might say, on a more enlightened plane than CBQG. He's realized that women need to be engaged in a dialogue, and they don't really want to answer clueless boring questions.
Unfortunately - perhaps because he hasn't thought much about it beyond that, or perhaps because he simply lacks the experience with women to have a very good theory of mind for your average attractive, personable girl - ECG doesn't get much further beyond "engage women in dialogue," and there he's usually stuck.
ECG's conversations tend to look something like this:
ECG: Hey Shirley, how'd your weekend go? I saw some friends Saturday, but yesterday was all just relaxing.
Girl: Hey, it was all right. My friend from out of town came to visit, so we went to a couple of restaurants and saw some sights... that was about it.
ECG: Cool, what sights did you see?
Girl: Oh, you know, Sea World, the harbor, just the usual things.
ECG: You know, I've been living here for 5 years and I've never seen Sea World. Everyone keeps telling me I should go.
Girl: I know, I didn't go to Sea World until I was 19, and I grew up here. Isn't that ridiculous? But you SHOULD go, it's a lot of fun.
ECG: When I used to live on the East Coast, sometimes we'd go down and visit the Baltimore Aquarium. I don't know if Sea World's like an aquarium at all, but that place was amazing. I kind of miss going now.
Girl: It's not really an aquarium... more like a place with sea animals that does shows.
ECG: Yeah, they had some of those at the Baltimore Aquarium too.
ECG: Hey, so [conversation continues]
ECG never realizes that these endless conversations are actually
boring, pointless, and inane, and most girls who engage back in them
are either A) just doing it because they're bored too, or B) are just
too nice to not send back a response. To
him, it feels like he's unlocked the key to texting girls: just keep texting.
As far as ECG is concerned, this is just another totally normal conversation, in which he imagines that he is inching his way ever closer to becoming this girl's beau of choice. Every sent text is another couple centimeters closer to her heart...
You can imagine how frustrated he is when those women he spent so much time in endless conversations with end up endlessly dodging dates every time he asks them out, and how perplexed he is to discover, after weeks or months of endless conversations, that she's suddenly now got a new boyfriend.
"How can this be?" ECG thinks. "I thought we had such special conversations!"
He's bewildered... it simply
doesn't make sense. Why would she spend SO much time talking to
him and then go date someone else?
Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™
Last but not least is Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™, henceforth known as RIWIG. RIWIG is the next stage of evolution after ECG; he's a man who's realized that endless conversations don't work - they're boring, kill his intrigue, and every guy and his brother chasing after a girl engages in them.
So, goes RIWIG's line of thinking, what could possibly be better... than being a bad boy via text message?
Most texting advice you'll see online or hear from friends comes from RIWIGs. They've cracked the texting code, they'll confidently tell you. They've figured out how to create the emotions they want in women - desire, laughter, intrigue. Being really, incredibly witty and interesting over text is the way to get girls attracted to you.
And to be fair, RIWIG is far more interesting and captivating than either CBQG or ECG. It's not even close... he leaves them in his dust. Just as CBQG can't hold a candle to ECG, ECG's odds of beating RIWIG in a text fight are about as good as a medieval pikeman's odds against a Navy S.E.A.L. armed with a minigun and a grenade launcher.
RIWIG's text conversations tend to go something like this:
RIWIG: Oh man, I just had WAY too much food. Never should've eaten that last drumstick. Advice: gluttony doesn't just make you fat, it's also REALLY uncomfortable.
Girl: lol where were you and why'd you eat so much?
RIWIG: Friend had a birthday party. There was far too much to eat; I felt a moral obligation to ensure there weren't unnecessary leftovers.
Girl: Did you save any for me?
RIWIG: Thought about it; decided against it. You should be grateful I prevented you from enduring a similar fate to mine.
Girl: But I want some too!
RIWIG: You know what, miss... you are coming on WAY too strong right now. Most women are a lot more... CIRCUMSPECT... when they say things like that to me.
Girl: I'm talking about the food, DUH!
RIWIG: That's what they always say...
Girl: You are such a dork.
RIWIG: Hey, so [conversation continues]
I was this guy for a long time. And, it's obviously a big step up from ECG... but even with his really, incredibly witty and interesting text banter, RIWIG has the following problems:
Women are still frequently dodgy about setting up dates
When the dates ARE set up... the girl often comes in treating RIWIG as a boyfriend candidate
What gives? RIWIG thinks. I was interesting, witty, sexy... everything a woman looks for in a lover, NOT a boyfriend! And she's STILL treating me like a potential boyfriend! Clearly I need to be even MORE witty and interesting.
But being more witty and interesting isn't the answer... in fact, the answer is something far simpler than any of CBQG, ECG, or RIWIG think it could possibly be.
The good news for our heroes Clueless Boring Questions Guy™, Endless Conversations Guy™, and Really, Incredibly Witty and Interesting Guy™ is that there's a line of thought on how to text girls they haven't tried out or thought of or investigated into yet.
And it doesn't need clueless boring questions.
It doesn't require endless conversations.
Heck, it doesn't even need you to be all that witty or interesting.
All you've got to do is be able to send simple text messages, and tell the girl you want a date with her BEFORE you get her phone number.
If we had to give this guy a name, I think it'd be Just Gets It Guy™ (JGIG), and his style is all about keeping things simple and to-the-point.
I adopted this style of texting only after I'd reached a point in my dating life where I simply didn't have time to engage in long texting conversations with women or to think up incredibly witty, interesting things to say... and also where, when I did have the time, I simply didn't care to anymore.
And what I found was, it was far more effective.
I started teaching friends how to text girls with this simplistic
model of texting, and suddenly they were lining up as many dates as
they could handle. And then I put it up in a few articles on the
Internet and in the free ebook with the newsletter signup (signup at
the bottom of the post and grab a copy of that, if you haven't
already), and, well, the response has been pretty fantastic. The "How to
Text a Girl"
article' that started it all has been #1 on Google for about a year and
a half at this point, it was posted and reposted and upvoted like crazy
on Reddit and Facebook and just about every social media and
bookmarking site there is, and copycat articles are popping up all over
But, a lot of guys still don't really get it... they're still trying to mix in CBQG or ECG or RIWIG elements with this style of texting. It's like taking a recipe for sugar cookies and throwing in some extra eggs and baking soda because those ingredient work great in other things you bake. The end result is not something better... it's something worse.
Thus, this article: more in-depth, more meaty, and more behind-the-scenes psychology so you can really understand what women are thinking, why they're reacting the way they are, and what it is that those other texting styles just don't understand.
How to Text Girls: The Foundations
It's important you understand why exactly the texting styles that are wrong and less effective ARE wrong and less effective. So, our first round of tips is going to be on the foundations of simplified texting: why the things that work work, and why the things that don't don't.
#1: Faulty Models Are Your
Responsibility to Fix, Not Women's
One of the themes of this site, and one we went particularly in-depth into in the article on victim mentality, is this: you can blame OTHER people for YOUR life, or you can go out and get what you want. You absolutely can't do both, however.
It's blame and be miserable, or accept responsibility and go get what you want.
As you go down the list of texting styles, you'll find that the less further evolved a man's texting style is, the more he blames women for his lack of results. Clueless Boring Questions Guy™ is the worst; everything is women's fault, and nothing is his.
The worse a man is with women, the more it's women's fault and the
less it's his (or so he thinks).
What's the reason for this phenomenon?
It's a symptom of faulty mental models.Women trade phone numbers a lot. And they don't like getting clueless boring questions from anyone... even close friends, family, lovers, boyfriends, etc.
So just imagine how a girl feels when she gets questions like this from some guy she doesn't know all that well that she met at work or at the bar or on the street or in class.
Yeah, that's right - he instantly gets pigeonholed as someone who's going to be a liability and not a joy to be around, and her interest in him goes from whatever it was before the clueless boring questions started, straight to zero.
It's not women who are the problem - it's the model you're currently following.
If women don't think / act / respond the way you think they should, it doesn't mean all 3.5 billion human women need to change to accommodate what you think they should be. What it means, rather, is that your mental model must change, to accommodate the way women actually are.
#2: Phone Numbers are Easy
One of the reason most inexperienced guys struggle so much with the idea of texting needing to be ironed out is because they view phone numbers as a BIG DEAL!
The problem is that to women, phone numbers are NOT a big deal!
An inexperienced guy gets a girl's phone number, and it feels like a colossal achievement, and now he can rest. He's effectively got a girlfriend now, for all intents and purposes.
Except she doesn't see it that way. For girls, a phone number is just the START... and girls give their numbers out to guys all the time that they never end up talking to or seeing ever again.
Phone numbers mean NOTHING.
They're a dime a dozen... nothing more than a chance.
They are NOT a guarantee, a promise, or an assurance of any kind.
"Here's my phone number" does not equal "Sure, we can have sex," nor
does it equal, "Would you like to be my boyfriend?," nor does it equal,
"I'm definitely going to talk to you again!"
If it helps, you can think of a phone number as, "Here's a way you can get me to meet you again if you do a good job making me want to."
Once you start seeing numbers this way, you'll instantly begin realizing why clueless boring questions are a death sentence: it's far easier to say "no" to you over the phone than in real life.
And if you're just going to be boring and clueless on the phone, what's she supposed to do... be excited?
Phone numbers are not a promise; they are an opportunity.
#3: Emotions Don't "Stick"
you first trade numbers with a girl, you might leave on cloud
nine, dreaming about the amazing future you're going to have together
with her. Maybe you had an amazing
interaction with her, and really connected with her on a pretty
Chances are, she's forgotten all about you.
Oh sure, she might still be thinking about you... but you don't know that, and it's much better to assume that she isn't.
If she isn't, how's she going to react to your first text?
Pretend she's forgotten EVERYTHING about you and is now rushed, put-upon, angry, and annoyed from other things in her life when she gets your text message.
Is it going to make her smile? Is it going to take a load off her shoulders?
Or is it just something else to make her feel even MORE rushed, put-upon, angry, and annoyed?
If you're not sure, ask yourself this:
If I was really rushed, put-upon, angry, and annoyed right now, and I received this text message randomly from someone I could hardly remember, what would my emotion be?
If the answer is "even more rush, put-upon, angry, and annoyed," head back to the drawing board - and find something that better evokes the right emotions.
If she remembers you, great - that's a bonus. You'll still send her a great text message and she'll be even HAPPIER to hear from you. But if she doesn't... if she's forgotten all about you... and you send her the right message... you still stand a good chance of getting her out anyway.
#4: People Want You to Reduce Their Cognitive Loads (Not Pile On)
Imagine you are SUPER busy. You're stressed like crazy, running around trying to get a million things done that you HAVE to get done. You want to scream and punch the wall and pull your hair out you're so far behind on things.
Then, you get a random text message from some guy you met at a bar the other day who seemed like kind of an okay guy.
"What's up?" it says.
"What's up?" you think to yourself, angry and annoyed. "What's up??!! What, am I supposed to sit here and figure out what that means? Like, you just want to shoot the shit, like I have time for that? Or, you want to ask me for some kind of favor, or want me to offer something to you? I don't have the patience for this!"
This is the thought process of even a moderately busy person when she gets a message like this.
Personally, I won't respond to these messages when I get them from GIRLS. And I'm a GUY... most guys WANT to get messages like this from girls. Girls do NOT want to get messages like this from guys, because these messages increase mental loads.
When a girl gets a message like this from you, the second she reads it her mind puts everything else it's working on on hold and asks itself:
- Who is this?
- What does he want?
- Is he going to ask me for something?
- Should I respond? How should I respond?
- Should I tell him about my day?
- Should I tell him how stressed I am?
- Is he going to start sending me lots of messages if I reply?
- Is he waiting for me to take the lead here?
- Is he going to ask me out?
- Does he expect ME to ask HIM out?
... and, much of the time, her mind is simply going to decide that this is too many questions to answer, and it'll worry about this later.
She closes her phone, never to reply.
Not because she's mean or cold or rude or aloof or even disinterested... it's just too much thinking to do, so she puts it off... and then forgets about it. Or she remembers it, but puts it off even further.
You must strive to be crystal clear and easy to respond to in your messages, to reduce mental loads as much as humanly possible.
Don't make her think. Don't make her wonder. Don't get her into giant open loops she needs to spend huge amounts of mental processing power on. That's an invitation to ignore you.
And to see you as inconsiderate / socially stunted, as well. Socially savvy people don't shift big mental loads onto people via text... they make things easy.
You should too.
That means, instead of,
... you can say,
Hey Charlene, hope you had a kick ass weekend. Mine was solid, and restful... just what I needed. When's good for you to grab that bite this week? Let me know when your schedule's clear and let's set it up.
No wondering what your motives are. No asking herself what you're after. No deliberating on how to respond, or even if she should respond at all. All she's got to do is tell you when her schedule's open.
And because it's easy, you're orders of magnitude more likely to get what you want: a date.
#5: You Must Keep Your Eye on
Quick, how many great relationships in your life have been built on the back of long text messaging conversations? Friendships? Girlfriends?
If you're like most people the answer is this: 0.
That's because texting is an atrocious
way to build meaningful relationships. This is not how to text girls at all.
Guys still keep doing it though. They do it in droves. And the reason why is because their eyes are not on the ball.
If you've ever found yourself mired in long text message conversations with women, you probably never stopped to ask yourself, "Where is this going?" but if you did, I'm certain your answer to yourself would be, "I have NO idea!"
Which is not how to run a texting conversation.
It's not how to run anything.
Imagine if a sailor set out on a ship into the great blue sea with no idea where he was going. "I'm going to find a beautiful, uninhabited island out there with a pirate's buried treasure and I'm going to get rich!" he told himself, "I just have to sail around enough until I find it!" Now, after he sets off on his voyage, he might end up finding that one island in the wide blue yonder that is what he searches for... but far more likely, he'll just waste a lot of time, until either he dies out at sea, out of fresh water and food, or he turns around and returns to port, frustrated and bitter.
When you're shooting in the dark, you almost always miss the mark.
Text messaging is terrible for:
- Establishing rapport
- Building an emotional connection
- Getting into a real conversation
- Transforming a stranger into a girlfriend or lover
- Showing your personality and qualities
- Growing or maintaining attraction
... and if you use it for these things, you will be missing the mark again and again.
You won't even get better at hitting the mark in the dark. You'll
just waste a lot of bullets... and time, and patience.
Setting up a date is the only thing you ought to be using texting for. Using it for anything else is distracting you from your core objective... and reducing the odds that you ever make it to your port of call.
#6: Girls Talk Because They Like to Talk
Unless you're an incredibly loquacious fellow, my guess is you don't spend a great deal of time in drawn out text message conversations with your male friends. Nor do you likely spend a great deal of time in lengthy conversations with a girl who's already your girlfriend.
Most men only get into these long conversations with girls.
And those men assume that the girl knows what the deal is. "Obviously, I wouldn't talk to her this much if I didn't want to date her!" the guy thinks. "So, again obviously, she must know this, and, also obviously, her texting back to me is an implicit go-ahead to proceed forward! She's telling me to continue courting her!"
There're a lot of assumptions in there... and they're mostly incorrect.
As socially astute as most women are (compared to most men, anyway), they are not mind-readers. They will know you want something when you keep texting clueless boring questions or endless conversations or large amounts of really, incredibly witty and interesting stuff...
... they just won't know what it is you want.
And here's the thing:
Most women love talking!
They will talk to you just for the sake of talking. And they'll love it. Many girls will be happy to text back and forth with you all day... and not just you.
They do it with their girlfriends. They do it with their frenemies. They do it with the other eight guys who are chasing them and texting them all day long too.
You're there talking, thinking it's just about in the bag because she's so willing to chat with you... and she's there talking, to you, her best friend, her girlfriend, and a gaggle of guys just as gabby over text with her as you.
This isn't the way to a woman's heart... it's simply a way to help her pass the day.
If you're spending time in long text conversations with women, you're wasting your time... and quickly becoming more valuable as a texting friend than you are as a potential lover or boyfriend.
#7: Women WANT Men Who Are "Just Friends"
Just as many men texting women have a "hidden agenda" of wanting to get together with those women, most of the women being texted have "hidden agendas" of their own.
Think of Mr. CBQG. He isn't texting her, "What's up?" because he really is dying to know what's up with her. He doesn't care about that. His real agenda is to maneuver this girl into being his lover or girlfriend... and, he just happens to think that texting her clueless boring questions is the best way to do that (it isn't).
Well, Miss Average Girl, when she replies back to CBQG with, "Not much. What's up with you?" also doesn't really care what's up with him, either. She has her own hidden agenda... and hers, most likely, is to make CBQG into someone she is "just friends" with.
How cruel and unfair of her, you say? How demeaning for her to want to take this man texting her and finagle him into the friend zone! How can she possibly live with herself...
Well wait just a gosh-darned second there. This guy texting her is also trying to finagle her into wanting him... he isn't being forthright about it... he isn't being upfront... he's just thinking that if he texts her enough, she'll end up being his girlfriend.
Meanwhile, she's thinking that if she texts him enough, he'll end up being her platonic guy pal.
Why this mismatch of desires between texter and textee? Because women have a lot of options with men, and multiple positions any one of those men might best fill. Women want men who can be "just friends" for them... it increases their security levels, and makes them feel safer. Women with male friends are more likely to get help in times of need, more likely to be successful in their lives, careers, and other endeavors, and much more.
And clearly, if you're a guy texting things like, "How's it going?" and that's it, you're not exactly Grade A lover or boyfriend material. But you might just make a great friend...
Solution? Don't be ambiguous about
why you're texting, and don't beat around the bush. We'll cover
this more below, in the section on mechanics.
#8: Women Cannot "Get Comfortable with You" Over Text
I know a secret of the CBQGs and ECGs and RIWIGs of the world that they themselves are only half aware of... want to know what it is?
They're all trying to get girls "comfortable" with them over text message!
"If I text her enough," they think to themselves, "then she'll get really comfortable with me! And then she'll have to date me!"
Bzzt! Wrong. Attraction doesn't work that way.
Furthermore, you cannot get girls comfortable with text messages. The very reason that texting feels so appealing as a medium for doing comfort-building (i.e., you think, "I can make her comfortable without ever having to worry about how my posture is coming off, or my facial expressions, or my voice tone, or seeming like I'm nervous, or don't know what to do...") also makes it marvelously ineffective for doing comfort-building (i.e., they can't see your posture, or facial expressions, or hear your voice tone, or tell if you're nervous, or whether you know what to do or not...).
Want her to get comfortable with you?
Meet her in person.
How to Text Girls: The Mechanics
Now that you've got a handle on the foundations of texting girls:
- Faulty models are your responsibility to fix, not women's
- Phone numbers are easy
- Emotions don't "stick"
- People want you to reduce their cognitive loads... not pile on
- You must keep your eye on the ball (i.e., your purpose for texting)
- Girls talk because they like to talk
- Women WANT men who are "just friends"
- Women cannot "get comfortable with you" over text
... you're ready to dive into the mechanics... the nuts and bolts... the nitty gritty of how to text girls and actually have it go the way you want it to.
This is the part you've been waiting for.
#9: Propose the Date Before You Ask for the Number!
This one's so important that I underlined it and put an exclamation point on it.
A lot of newer guys skip this step. It just feels easier to ask for the number. After all, if she says "no," all she's rejecting is giving you her phone number, right? It's not like she's rejecting a date with you or anything!
But that's preposterous. If she rejects giving you her phone number, by extension she's rejecting all future possibilities of the two of you doing anything together, ever. And that includes dates.
When you go to get a girl's phone number, exactly as we discussed in that article on phone numbers linked to there, you must ask for the date FIRST!
Not only does this actually make it easier makes things to get phone numbers from girls... but it also makes things infinitely easier when you sit down to figure out how you want to correspond with her afterward.
I'm convinced that if men started asking women on dates before asking for phone numbers consistently, CBQGs and ECGs would become extinct, and RIWIGs would become an endangered species.
Here's ALL you have to do:
Girl: [mid-conversation] ... so then I totally got out of there before things could get even worse!
You: That's hilarious.
Girl: I know, right? I thought I was going to die for a minute! That girl was crazy!
You: Hey, I'm going to have to jet in a minute, but we should grab a drink or some food this week or early next. What's your schedule like?
Girl: Oh, I don't know, I'll have to take a look. I think I'm free on Sunday.
You: Cool, I'll text you. What's your number?
Isn't that way easier than the big productions most men make of trying to get phone numbers?
Furthermore, doesn't that make things way more straightforward when you want to text her later? Don't you know exactly what you need to do now?
If you want my opinion, you ought to open up your phone right now and delete every phone number you have from a girl you didn't ask on a date before getting her phone number. Or, if you'd rather take a stab before deleting those numbers, then text every single one of them right now something like:
Hey [name], I just stumbled across this really cool little café in [area] with the most amazing hot chocolates. I totally want to take you there - want to grab a chocolate and a bite to eat with me sometime this week / next week?
Any girl you get "yeah, sure" or a "how about we do XYZ instead" from, hang onto; you can work with that. Any girl you get a "no, I really can't" or a "sorry, I'm busy" from, just delete.
Now you're starting fresh.
And every number you get from here on out, before you get it, make absolutely sure you've gotten it in the context of doing so in order to set up and plan for a date.
No more figuring out what to text her. No more pacing back and forth in your room deciding what you should say.
Now you know what to say: you're going to text her to find out when she wants to meet.
#10: Use an Icebreaker Text
The longer you wait after getting a girl's number to text her, the weirder it starts to feel. There are a variety of "weirdness" factors that come into play:
- She wonders when you're going to text her, or
- She forgets about you altogether; plus
- You build things up in your head and get awkward, or
- You push things off so long that she wonders why you're texting a week later
Solution? You need to break the ice.
Breaking the ice gives you the freedom to be more natural later. The awkwardness of wondering whether the conversation will be normal, natural, and comfortable over text is gone, and this new girl knows that you are going to follow up with her, and doesn't have to wonder now whether you will or not.
Breaking the ice sets the tone for you to text women later on without having to introduce yourself or use call backs to when you met to refresh her memory of the emotions she felt while meeting you - because you cemented them while they were still fresh in her mind.
A typical icebreaker text looks like this:
You: Wonderful to meet you, new friend :) -Steve
You: Glad to have met you :) -Steve
You do not:
- Tell her you "like" her
- Qualify her ("You're a really cool / amazing / neat girl!")
- Ask her any questions
- Propose any dates
- Keep it very short
- Use the word "friend" if possible
- Sign your name
It's short because this is just to break the ice, and to reassure her that you aren't one of these guys who's already flipping out for her writing her novels even though he knows next to nothing about her yet. You communicate from the outset that you're adhering to the Law of Least Effort and that meeting a new girl isn't a big deal to you (like it is for many men, who are then quick to deluge women with volumes and volumes of text).
You use friend where possible because you want to confuse and intrigue her a little bit. Do you like her or not? She thinks you do... but now you're using this ambiguous term. She's guessing... she's intrigued. Most guys just verbally state their interest right away, and kill the intrigue, excitement, and mystery. Women don't want men like that... they want men who'll keep them guessing and who won't let them know how the story ends, right up until it does.
If a girl seemed to really
like you and view you as far higher status than she views herself
though, you may elect to drop "friend" so as not to send her into auto-rejection, thinking she
can't get you.
And you sign your name because she may well have forgotten it, or if she wants to brush you off she can use this as an easy way to do so. She's either going to:
Feel awkward that she's forgotten, and not respond, or
Feel awkward that she's forgotten, and have to ask you, or
Not be able to dismiss you by saying, "Who's this?" even if she might've been tempted to otherwise
Very, very occasionally, you will get a girl writing, "Who?" back after your initial text, even if it's only a few hours later, and even if you've signed your name. This is almost always a brush-off attempt; don't respond back by telling her who it is.
When I get something like this from a girl - it's rare, but it still happens - I usually just delete the number as no good and move on. If she's THAT disinterested, or her memory of you is THAT poor, you're almost certainly not going to get her out again. You can still play around with numbers like this for practice if you want... just don't expect to get anything. But... this is pretty rare, and unless you're doing tons of approaches you may well never see it so long as you keep signing your name.
When should you send an icebreaker text? About 1 to 4 hours after meeting her.
You can sometimes go sooner, although 30 minutes is about the soonest you want to do this. If you wait too much longer than 3 or 4 hours, you're getting into awkward territory... so break the ice before then.
And don't worry about getting a response; you're texting to break the ice, not open a dialogue. You'll still get dates and lovers from women who don't respond to your icebreaker text; it's just icing on the cake if they do respond.
#11: Don't Wait Too Long
You know those old dating guides that tell you to wait 3 days or a week or whatever it is before even calling a girl?
Throw those handbooks in the garbage pail; they'll do you no good here.
Run things based off how your interaction went when you met her. Use these metrics:
If she was excited about you when you met her, text her to set up the date the next day, or even that day if you met her in the afternoon or morning. You'll find you can quickly set up dates for the same day or following day with women who are excited to meet you, and these are always your best bets - the emotions are fresh, the desire is hot, and you create that whirlwind romance feeling that most women dream of experiencing all their lives.
If she was just nice toward you when you met her, text her 1 or 2 days later. 1 or 2 days is enough time for her to "make up her mind" if she wants to see you again, but not so much time she'll have lost interest entirely. If you wait longer than that, she may just say, "Ah, I wasn't that interested. Never mind."
If you've already been out on a date, see the guide on second dates.
Remember the maxim on here: move faster. If you do too much waiting around, some guy who's a more devoted practitioner of the material on this site (or has discovered some of this on his own) is liable to beat you to the punch, or life may intervene with any number of other momentum-killing roadblocks and detours on your side or hers.
Strike while the iron is hot, or content yourself with an uneven
blade (i.e., not very good odds of getting together with her).
#12: Don't Beat Around the Bush
Like we talked about in #7: Women WANT Men Who Are "Just Friends," if you're slinking around trying to trick women into liking you and dating you, women will turn right back around and start slinking around trying to trick you into being platonic friends with them.
One good turn deserves another, says Aesop.
Thus, why all the "text her until she's ready for a date" strategies don't work that well. You can't text your way into somebody's heart.
You've got to do that in person.
If you're sending texts that don't suggest a meet up in the first text (aside from an icebreaker text), then you are beating around the bush.
Because she knows you want something, but you aren't saying what it is.
Catherine knows you weren't sitting there at 2 o'clock in the afternoon when suddenly, out of nowhere, the urge to just find out how Catherine's day was going struck you out of the blue. "Gee," you said to yourself, "I know my day's going swell... but how's the day of that girl Catherine I met at the coffee shop last weekend going?"
She knows you didn't just send a text message to Randy the maintenance guy and Stefo your old college roommate asking them how their days are going. You messaged her... because you want something.
But you're beating around the bush and not telling her what it is.
If you get a message like this from someone:
Person: Hey man, how's your day going? Mine's pretty good; just had a great club sandwich.
... you know this person wants something, and is going to ask you
And if you're not especially inclined to go granting favors, you're probably just going to ignore it, or give a perfunctory reply designed to discourage him or her from asking about it.
You also perceive this behavior as weak.
So don't do this - it moves you further away from being considered attractive and date-worthy, rather than closer.
Instead, your initial message of a conversation is best structured like this:
You: Hope the rest of your weekend was great, Catherine! I ended up taking a trip to Bear Mountain last minute with some friends... it was both surprising and awesome. Let's grab that lunch we talked about later this week - when's good for you schedule-wise?
Nothing hidden. No beating around the bush. Just some light pleasantries, and then what you want is spelled out clear as day.
It's short, brief, and straight to the point - and doesn't make her wonder at all what you're after. Women respond better to this and more consistently to this than any other texting style you'll ever use ("respond" here meaning setting up a date with you, as opposed to entering into an engaging-but-ultimately-unproductive long text banter / conversation, which seems to be most men's idea of a girl being "responsive").
#13: Keep Texts Short
Your first message to kick off a new conversation can be a little bit of an exception to this, just so you have enough space to fit the pleasantries in before the ask.
Other than that though, text messages should not be significantly longer than whatever the length of the last message you received from a girl was. If your texts are much longer than hers are, you're violating sprezzatura - and looking tryhard in the process.
That means if she sends you:
Girl: Hey Charlie, didn't hear from you last week :) What's up?
Don't send her:
You: Hey Marlene, sorry I didn't reply sooner! I was actually SUPER busy last week traveling to meet some new business clients. It's really cool stuff but a lot of work. Did get to see the Cirque du Soleil when I was in Vegas though... wait until you hear about THAT one! Anyway, what've you been up to? Hope all's been well. We still on for lunch this Thursday?
That's okay, and it's good stuff, but it's too much as a reply to a short text. If you've been cool with her, she'll just view it as you being enthusiastic about an awesome week. If you haven't, she'll view it as you trying to force a connection.
Instead, send her this:
You: Sorry Marlene, I was up to my eyeballs last week :/ Tell you about it when I see you. Still lunch on Thursday, yes?
On the other hand, if a girl sends you a wall of text, don't send her, "Cool," or, "Let's do it," as a response... she'll feel awkward and as if you aren't as interested in her as she is in you.
You want her to feel that your interest levels closely match hers. To do that, you'll want to keep your text messages short - and similar in length.
#14: Ask and Share Something Personal to Relate
Imagine last week you met a guy at a networking meeting... he seemed like an okay guy. Not amazing, no great connections that could help you land an awesome new job... nothing like that. Just an okay guy. This new acquaintance asked you if you'd like to grab a beer sometime and shoot the breeze, and you said sure, why not, and gave the guy your phone number.
Now imagine it's a few days later, and you've largely forgotten
about this guy. Until he sends you a text message. Which of these three is the most likely to
get a "yes" response out of you?
Text Message A:
Acquaintance: Tim, want to grab that beer we talked about tonight?
Text Message B:
Acquaintance: Hey Tim, how'd that audit go? Want to grab that beer we talked about tonight?
Text Message C:
Acquaintance: Hey Tim, how'd that audit go? I've got one of those myself coming up... what a pain. Want to grab that beer we talked about tonight?
If you're like most people, and your time is sacred (and not a free-for-all for anyone who wants it... if that's the case, check out this article from 1922: "Why I Quit Being So Accommodating"), your reactions will be something along the following lines:
"Wait, who is this guy? Do I really want to give him my evening?"
"Is this guy trying to butter me up because he wants something?"
"This guy seems like not a bad guy. I can probably afford a quick drink."
What's the difference? Message C is personal and relates to you.
There's a distinct formula here:
- Greet her with her name (yes, this is important, casual texters)
- Ask her how something in her life went
- Relate to that and share something similar from your life
- Ask her to meet you, with a subtle reminder that she already agreed to
The name is to reinforce in her mind that this is a personal text, and not a mass text.
Asking her about something personal is to get her to start relating.
Sharing your own experience in the same vein as the question is to finish up the relating, by showing her that the two of you are not so different.
Asking her to meet you is getting to the point, and mentioning (in passing! Don't put it out directly, unless you want to look like you don't think she's going to say yes) that she's already said "yes" makes her remember why she said "yes" and makes her a lot more likely to say so again this time around.
Keep it personal.
#15: Avoid Asking Too Many Questions / Irrelevant Questions
This one's simple. Don't go around asking girls weird / irrelevant / lots of questions via text. A simple, "How's/How'd your X going/go?" is a formality that makes things more personal, and a question like, "Shall we grab that coffee we discussed this week?" is necessary so a woman doesn't feel like you're unilaterally trying to decide for her (e.g., "Let's grab that coffee we discussed this week," which is too imposing and is likely to lead to resistance).
That's just two questions:
A personal "formality" type question, and
A "buy in" type question about the date.
Other than those two, that's it. No other questions - everything else is irrelevant.
#16: Ignore Unhelpful Questions and Topics
Sometimes a girl may be on the fence about whether she wants you as a date or a friend. When this is the case, she'll often try to wedge unhelpful or distracting questions or topics into a text conversation to slow things down or try to create banter or rapport, or steer you away from "date-like" activities and toward "friend-like" ones.
That looks like this:
You: Haley, how was your weekend? Hope you got a lot of rest in. I was super lazy all weekend... but sometimes you need weekends like that. Hey, so how about we grab that bite we talked about this week? Let me know what your schedule's looking like and let's get the gears in motion.
Girl: Hey Will... omg, my weekend was insane. Waaay too much drinking Saturday night, never doing that again, lol! Lunch? Let me check what I have going on this week. Oh, btw, did you hear about the new club they're opening up downtown next week? It's called "Motown." We should totally go to that! I have a friend who says he can get tickets.
This is where most guys drop the ball. They feel like something's wrong here... this girl seems to be calling the shots. It's weird. It doesn't feel completely right saying, "Sure, let's go to that club opening..." but they do anyway, because they don't think they have a choice.
They didn't ignore unhelpful stuff. They welcomed it in the front door and left that door open for more to keep pouring in, instead.
Why's this bad? If it's not clear why letting girls lead, going to party dates, and things of that nature are very bad for seduction, see these posts:
- The Real Reason Many Men Can't Get a Girl
- The Sad Tale of "Shopping Guy"
- The Party Date: Don't Do It
Next, when you get hit with unhelpful and distracting topics, just duck and weave:
You:Haley, how was your weekend? Hope you got a lot of rest in. I was super lazy all weekend... but sometimes you need weekends like that. Hey, so how about we grab that bite we talked about this week? Let me know what your schedule's looking like and let's get the gears in motion.
Girl:Hey Will... omg, my weekend was insane. Waaay too much drinking Saturday night, never doing that again, lol! Lunch? Let me check what I have going on this week. Oh, btw, did you hear about the new club they're opening up downtown next week? It's called "Motown." We should totally go to that! I have a friend who says he can get tickets.
You: Oh man, that sounds awesome, though let me take a rain check on Motown! I'm all out of club juice in me lately. There is such a thing as too much clubbing, believe it or not... ;) Well, check your schedule and let me know which day's good for you on grabbing a bite. I've got Wednesday and Thursday free at lunch time, and Saturday free right up until 8 o'clock - let me know if either works!
If the girl just wants you as a friend here, you'll get a negative response back on the date. She'll be "busy" those times, and try to reschedule for some other time (so she maintains the advantage and is in control - which is what she needs to be to friend zone you).
But, if she's on the fence, she'll come back and tell you one of those times works.
Be prepared to have to do a kick-ass job getting some sexual tension brewed up when you meet her though, and have your sprezzatura at full blast, to escape that "possible friend" mantle she's draped around your neck - and make sure you move fast!
#17: Use Interesting Language
This one's hard to teach - it's really just best if you're well-read and have a little experience with writing - but if you can pick some interesting, colorful language out it only helps make your text messages have more "pop" and be all the more appealing (and YOU all the more interesting).
A few words to get you started:
- "Shall we" instead of "Would you like to" or "Do you want to"
- "Scoop you" instead of "Pick you up" (in a car, for a date, etc.)
- "Grab [lunch, a drink, etc.]" or "Snag" instead of "Get" or "Have"
- Using verbs instead of nouns (e.g., "I napped" instead of "I took a nap")
- Using active voice ("I got this" instead of "They gave me this")
Colorful language is simply more attractive, and makes you more attractive, too. Its effects on women are closely related to the effects of general humor, which displays social intelligence and increases attraction.
#18: Vary Your Response Frequency
This isn't a problem when you're genuinely busy - when you're involved in a hundred things socially, or you've got six different women you're seeing, or you're running your own business, or you've got a million projects to manage for work, your response time will naturally vary and be lightning quick sometimes, and glacially slow others.
This is optimal. Women respond best to men whose response time is unpredictable, within a certain range. Now, if you always take a day to respond to her, or it happens too much, she'll quickly auto-reject. So don't go overboard.
Basically, don't go too extreme in either direction. If a girl always takes an hour to write you back, don't always write her back in 10 minutes. Instead, write her back in 10 minutes one time... and 2 hours the next.
Response times will tend to vary naturally for most busy people. Actually, if you notice that a woman is:
Always texting you back after the same amount of time (e.g., 40 minutes), or
Always texts you back the same amount of time that it took you to respond to her last text
... you know she's playing games with you. Don't call her out on it, just... be mindful.
And play her game back better than she knows how - vary your response times and don't be predictable.
You'll keep her guessing - and intrigued.
#19: Make Seeing You In Person the ONLY Way to Talk with You
Like we said in #6, girls talk because they like to talk.
And like we said in #7, they WANT guys to be "just friends" with platonically.
How's that affect how you text girls?
Simple: you don't give them what they're looking for over text.
A girl wants a texting buddy? Great!
That's not you.
A girl wants someone to go into deep conversation with over SMS? Fantastic!
It just isn't you.
She wants someone to send her lots of texts and make her feel special? Outstanding!
But she'll have to find someone else for that.
The only thing you use text messages for is getting girls out to meet you IN PERSON.
If she can get her fill of you via text, the odds of her coming out
to meet you drop dramatically lower.
But, if she really likes you... and if she really wants to talk with you...
... and she can't get that from
you via text message... and you won't talk to her on the phone,
... she WILL meet you.
And once the two of you are there, in-person and in the flesh, you
can work your magic.
#20: Leave Something Small to Cover, and Send a Pre-Meeting Text
When you set up the actual logistics of a date, it's best to leave some small detail out that you can cover later. While this isn't totally necessary, it's helpful for your pre-meeting text.
You nearly always want to use a pre-meeting text for two reasons:
You reassure your date that yes, you remember the place and time, and you will be there. This nixes any chance of her flaking out of fear of you not showing up.
You give her the opportunity to give you a heads up if she intends to flake. This makes sure you don't waste your time going somewhere if she's going to be late or not make it at all.
A pre-meeting text with a pertinent detail you didn't mention earlier will look like this:
You: Hey Cassie! Heading out in 10 minutes; should be there right at 2 PM. I'll meet you at the subway station's South Exit.
A pre-meeting text if you don't have any specific pertinent data to cover will look like this:
You: Hey Cassie! Heading out in 10 minutes; should be there right at 2 PM. I'll meet grab a seat inside if I'm the first one there.
Either of these work just fine, and both reassure her you're going, and remind her to give you a heads up if she isn't so you don't waste your time (and get angry / annoyed).
If she does flake, of course, see this article on how to follow up:
If you've been around on this site for a while, you probably recognize a fair amount of this advice, and encountered a few new things and some fleshing out on the psychology behind why women behave how they do and why we do the things we do.
But if you're brand new here and this is one of the first (or the very first!) things you read, you may be saying to yourself, "Dear God, is texting really this complicated?"
To which I say - nonsense! While this is a lengthy article on an oft-misunderstood subject, the topic matter isn't all that complex.
Let's have a quick review at our steps on how to text girls properly:
- Faulty models are your responsibility to fix, not women's
- Phone numbers are easy
- Emotions don't "stick"
- People want you to reduce their cognitive loads... not pile on
- You must keep your eye on the ball (i.e., your purpose for texting)
- Girls talk because they like to talk
- Women WANT men who are "just friends"
- Women cannot "get comfortable with you" over text
- Propose the date before you ask for the number!
- Use an icebreaker text
- Don't wait too long
- Don't beat around the bush
- Keep texts short
- Ask and share something personal to relate
- Avoid asking too many questions / irrelevant questions
- Ignore unhelpful questions and topics
- Use interesting language
- Vary your response frequency
- Make seeing you in person the ONLY way to talk to you
- Leave something small to cover, and send a pre-meeting text
What all this leads to (while it might seem complicated at first glance) is vastly simpler and more intuitive text conversations, that clean up in the dates department.
All said and done, here's an example text conversation, start to finish, to give you a feel for what this looks like:
[an hour after meeting a new girl]
You: Happy to have made your acquaintance, friend ;) - [your name]
[two hours later]
Girl: Great to meet you too! :)
[36 hours later]
You: Hey Sandy, how'd the weekend turn out? Hope the rest of it was as awesome as the beginnings were :) I ended up going to a pizza party with a bunch of people Sunday night... haven't been to one of those since I was 12. It was fun, though. And, some great pizza. On our bite this week - when's good for you? My schedule's pretty open except Tuesday and Wednesday nights. Let me know what day's best and we'll schedule it up.
[40 minutes later]
Girl: Hey! The pizza party sounds amazing! My weekend was pretty chill... mostly just recovering from Friday, lol. How's Thursday for meeting up? I'm free most of the day.
[25 minutes later]
You: Thursday's perfect. Say 1 o'clock in the afternoon? There's this amazing little café no one knows about on Green Avenue we can check out... they have the most mind-blowing crepes in the world. We can meet at the Green Ave subway stop, it's a short walk from there.
[1 hour later]
Girl: That sounds great, let's do it! See you on Thursday!
[2 hours later]
You: Awesome - see you then, Sandy!
[Thursday, 12:30 PM]
You: Heading out the door in a few minutes, should be there right at 1 o'clock. I'll be at Exit 2C. See you soon!
[5 minutes later]
Girl: Hey, I'm running about 10 minutes behind. Sorry...! I'm coming!
[3 minutes later]
You: No biggie. See you when you get here!
Now compare that to the last 10 texting conversations you had with women... which are more complicated, and which are less?
The only complicated part here is in learning the process. Once you've got it down, you can execute it perfectly, efficiently, and consistently... and it's a thing of pure beauty.
And you'll sit there and look at the cell phones of those poor girls you're sleeping with or dating, and see the volumes and volumes of clueless boring questions they get, endless conversations they're mired in, and really, incredibly witty and interesting texts they're inundated with, and you'll shake your head at the guys sending them.
"I used to be one of those guys," you'll say to yourself. "But that... was another lifetime ago."
And then that thought will pass, and you'll probably never spend a second thought on texting ever again.
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