3 Second Date Strategies to Make Her Flirt and Swoon
With a question on strategies to use on a second date, the Tool (one of our valued readers and forum participants) over on the post requesting ideas for new forum join bonus says:
“Hey Chase, Personally I know myself and alot of other people would appreciate an ebook, or post on how/when to ask for a second date, taking into account certain things that happen on the first. What I mean is, I have no problems getting second dates with girls who I only kiss once on the first date, its the ones who I either have sex with after taking them home or nearly go all the way with that become cold and unresponsive. I myself usually follow the 3 days rule for getting a second date after the first. My process with women i escalate things quickly with is a follow up text the next day asking about how their day was ect or asking how a test went and then i leave it at that, then i wait another two days and go for a second date. the problem is lately these women have been unresponsive to me or do not agree to go on a second and stop contacting me. I believe its because they think I used them for a one night stand when in fact I do truly want more. So what I was wondering is exactly what are the steps you are supposed to take after escalating so fast with a women to secure that second date or future meets?”
So, there's the question of:
How do you get a second date with a girl you aren't intimate with yet?
... and Tool says he's fine on that count, but I want to cover that one today regardless.
Regarding Tool's comment, he's really asking two questions here:
How do you get a second date with a girl you've slept with on the first?
How do you get a second date with a girl you almost slept with on the first... then didn't?
All three of these - the girl you haven't been intimate with; the girl you have been intimate with; and the girl you've almost been intimate with but it didn't happen - offer very different and unique cases for setting up a second date.
In today's article, I want to cover two things, then:
- How to get a second date, depending on what happened on the first, and
- How to run that second date.
So let's get to it.
It's your second date - which means you've been out with her once before. Now, setting up the second date depends on two things:
- How the first date went
- How quickly you want to move
As you know if you've been following the site for any length of time, we generally advise going for first date sex whenever and wherever possible, whether you want her as a one-night stand or a future wife. That's for a variety of reasons:
It keeps you out of boyfriend territory, which makes you more likely to actually get together with a girl in the first place
It shortens the courtship process, eliminating extra steps, and giving life (and other men) fewer opportunities to step in and intervene
It communicates to women that you are a powerful man who goes for what he wants, confidently and decisively
Now, I understand that if you aren't meeting a lot of women, you naturally tend to have a scarcity mentality about women and think that a good woman is in short supply and you'd better not "mess it up" with her. If any of these thoughts occur to you when talking about getting to intimacy quickly, read this article before you read any further here:
Sometimes though, you simply aren't confident enough that you can get together with a girl, and just can't get yourself to push things on the first date... you're just not there yet.
Or, sometimes, you run a shorter date style on your first date - e.g., a quick informational date - that you planned to be short because you didn't have logistics to set up a proper date that you could take a girl to bed from.
Or - like what Tool asks about in his comment - maybe you did take a woman to bed on the first date, or you came close but it didn't work out, and now you want to see her a second time.
What do you do?
Well, that depends on what happened on your first date, and how things went.
How to Get a Second Date if Your First Went Okay
For our purposes, I'll define a first date that went "okay" as one that went reasonably well, but didn't result in the two of you becoming lovers.
That is to say, there were no horribly atrocious mistakes on either party's side of the table, you two didn't go home alone together, and you two didn't sleep with each other.
How do you get the second date in this case?
Well, there are three ways she may be thinking about you at this point - they are:
She may be disappointed if:
The date or conversation wasn't that great
She became attracted to you but you didn't lead her to sex
She feels like the two of you didn't connect for some other reason
Disappointed is when she feels like you are not what she hoped you
She may be neutral if:
The date or conversation was good, but not great
The date or conversation was great, and so good that she wanted sex, but didn't get it
She feels like the date was more or less a platonic meeting between two people who are probably best suited being just friends
Neutral is when she feels like she doesn't much have a strong
feeling either way about how things went.
She may be excited if:
The date or conversation was great
She became attracted to you, and felt like you were in control and will give her sex next time
She felt like the two of you were very connected, you are an attractive man, and you are clearly in control and know what you're doing
Excited is when she feels like she's found a diamond in the rough, likes him quite a lot, and trust that he is going to do what he "should do" as a man, dater, and potential or future lover or boyfriend.
The thing that makes this hard is that much of the time, you will never even know which one of these it is... at least until you try and get her on another date.
The problem with not taking girls to bed on Date #1 is that all you have to go off of are her reactions, rather than results. You'll go on dates with women who seem like they REALLY like you and enjoyed the date... and then you'll never see them again. And you'll go on dates with women that seem like they're not into you AT ALL... and then you'll see them again for a second date, a third date, or more, and end up taking them as lovers on one of those dates.
So, a girl MAY be:
... after a non-sexual first date, but you simply aren't going to know which one of these it is.
Therefore, you'll simply follow the same process with every girl, and do your best to get her out. That process looks like this:
End the first date yourself, on agreeable terms. If she seems like she REALLY doesn't want the first date to end, she probably wants to keep spending time with you, and if you can, I strongly suggest that you invite her home (unless you have other obligations; even then, it might be worth clearing your schedule for). Otherwise, don't be rude or curt in how you end things, but do be the one to end things; thank her for a wonderful day or evening, and bid her good day or goodnight, then be off.
Don't tell her that you liked her or want to see her again before the end of the date - it both robs you of mystery, and also can feel like you're "trying to be nice," and as though you actually don't want to see her again. Very easy for this to go wrong - just say farewell, and leave.
Text her the next day to let her know you enjoyed coffee / lunch / dinner / drinks with her. This is to head off any chance that she goes into auto-rejection simply by being a pessimistic or defensive person if she doesn't hear from you in a few days and thinks that you're rejecting her. Once she's in auto-rejection, even if she liked you before, she won't want to see you now. So ping her anyway, to reassure her that, yes, you liked her.
Text her again to set up your next date. When I started dating, I'd wait a week on this, or sometimes even two weeks. This is far too long. Later I was doing this 2 or 3 days later, which is good. Toward the end, before I stopped doing second dates altogether, I began texting girls the very next day to plan to meet them that night, if possible.
Why the difference? Well, if you come off well on the date, you can ask her to meet in 2 or 3 days and she'll be delighted to hear from you. If you come off exceptionally well, and you know that she's probably lying in bed with a grin on her face and nervous anticipation that night hoping she sees you again, there's really no sense putting this off further - just tell her to meet you the next day. She'll be thrilled, and you'll stand a better chance of taking her as your lover than if you wait a few days and those emotions cool off.
Good rule of thumb: if you're pretty good on dates, wait 2 or 3 days. If you're exceptional on dates, and there's no chance of you being thought needy or clingy or as not having many options with women, text her to set up your date the next day, FOR the next day, if possible. Although, once you're getting this good, you should probably be sleeping with girls on the first date most of the time and not needing to do a second date in the first place.
Some examples of how you'll ask out girls on a second date, from that last point:
After 2 or 3 days (if you were pretty good on the date):
You: "Hey Kelly, hope your week's going great. Enjoyed hanging out with you Saturday - you're very pleasant to talk to. Let's grab lunch or dinner sometime this week - what's your schedule look like for either meal?"
The next day (if you were AMAZING on the date):
You: "Kelly - had a great time with you last night. What say we keep the ball rolling - are you free for dinner this evening (or CAN you be free for dinner this evening if you're not already)?"
Your objectives here are, with the 2 or 3 days-later text:
Remind her that, yes, she enjoyed your date TOO, to help her recall those emotions and put her back in that emotional state in case she's forgotten (it's been a few days, and she may well have been too busy to think much about it)
Qualify her in a vague-but-interesting way so she can't really be sure if you like her as a friend, potential lover, or prospective girlfriend
Ask for her schedule, and give her some options to both make it easier for her to know when she can meet you and harder for her to make up excuses about not being available
Your objectives here with the next-day text are:
Tell her flat out what you're doing ("What say we keep the ball rolling") so she knows you're conscious of it and not trying to hide it or hope she doesn't notice that you're moving fast
Ask her if she's free today to see you - this conveys excitement about her on your part, and if she's also excited about you, this sends her through the roof, emotionally - the mating dance is nearing its end, and the two of you will be lovers soon
Suggest to her that she rearrange her schedule to be free if she isn't already (this will give her an idea she may not have thought of on her own; it also asks her to invest, which shows a high degree of confidence on your part for assuming that she'd go so far as to rearrange her schedule just to see you, and it spikes her attraction for you if she does take measures to free up time just to be with you)
You'll want to follow one of these processes regardless of how you THINK the date went, because you're not going to know for sure until you try to get her out. Some girls are just good at dating, or really want to take care of your emotions and do the socially polite thing and seem nice and friendly, even if they aren't all that interested, and some girls just don't flirt much or show a lot of emotion or feel too reserved to be overly effusive about their feelings, even if they like you a lot.
So, pick a process, and follow it. You won't get a second date with every girl you go out on a first date - in fact, in my experience, you're more likely to get more lovers by trying to take girls to bed on Date #1 (if you do a good job of it, of course, and aren't overly nervous or awkward or unsmooth) than by trying to stretch things out over multiple dates -all the more reason to move fast.
However, if you find yourself in the scenario of having ended the first date without having taken a girl to bed, and now it's time to set up Date #2, this is the process you want to be following.
How to Get a Second Date After Sex on the First
Now let's say you've been following this site and the mantra espoused here of moving fast with women for a while, or you're just an assertive, aggressive guy by nature who doesn't like wasting a lot of time or waiting too long for the things that he wants. How do you set up a second date with a girl after sleeping with her on the first?
If you do things right during and after physical intimacy, this is a breeze. But, if you don't, you'll be facing a challenge.
What does it mean to "do things right" during and after the first time you have sex?
It means you do these things:
You're a good lover for her, and give her great, passionate sex. This includes orgasms if at all possible, and ideally you make love to her multiple times and for long-ish periods of time (e.g., 10 to 20 minutes is good the first time you're sleeping with her; if you want her to fall head over heels for you, make it 30 minutes or more).
You hold her close in bed and talk to her after. Women bond most after sex and especially after orgasms; their brains release oxytocin specifically for this purpose - their biochemistry wants you to take advantage of this and form pair bonds during this period.
... and, possibly, these things:
You let her spend the night. Spending the night with you makes her feel much more assured that this is something solid; you weren't in a rush to get her out of there, which means you're clearly comfortable with her and like her.
You get food with her after. Whether that's breakfast the next morning, lunch or dinner the same day, or even a dessert or midnight snack, sitting and having a meal together after your intimate is another way of telling her, "You aren't just a roll in the hay to me." Essentially, you want to remove any doubt in her mind that you really like her as both a lover AND a woman.
You make love to her again in the morning. If she spends the night, mornings are occasionally awkward (especially if the two of you had been slightly drunk or more the night before, and aren't sure if the person you're waking up to feels the same way as he / she did the night before). You can remove any awkwardness and reassure her that you still desire her by getting intimate with her again in the morning. Afraid she may spurn your advances? Attack her passionately as soon as you wake up, maximizing skin contact and kissing, and just go for it.
You'll occasionally get rejected - if, for instance, all she really wanted from you was a one-night stand - but almost never from a girl who has any desire to see you again, and you'll only help your chances (substantially) with those girls. And the more passionate you are when you reinitiate, the less likely you are to get rejected.
That's possibly because it depends how close you want this new girl to feel to you.
If you want her VERY close, do them all.
If you DON'T... then don't.
If it's a casual ongoing relationship you want, for instance, similar to what Ricardus discussed in "How to Date Multiple Women (with Zero Drama)," it's better to not spend the night with her (this sets a bit too much of a "relationship" tone to things, as you're investing much more time with her than you otherwise would be).
In any event, at least do #s 1 and 2... and the more you like the girl, and the more you want to up the odds that you see her again, do #s 3, 4, and 5, too.
Why's it important to do these things?
What happens with a lot of women is they this whole build up... this big seduction... and then they get together with a guy... and then it turns out to be either a lot less exciting or GOOD than they thought it would be, OR they end up feeling dirty or slutty for going to bed to quickly with a man who doesn't really value them all that much.
And by doing the things listed above, you circumvent both of these: you give them a great experience, and you make them feel warm, desired, and appreciated for it.
Remember, seduction, in the end, is really about providing women with good emotions. She should be able to look back on what transpired between you and her, and smile about it, and think to herself that it'd be very nice for it to happen again.
Now, once you've slept with her on the first date, you can sometimes find yourself wondering what to do on a second "date," or a second meet up. Should you:
- Take her to a restaurant?
- Meet her for coffee?
- Have her come over again?
- Invite her for sex?
- Take her to a movie?
- Grab drinks with her first, THEN have sex?
- Get ice cream, then take her back to yours?
Truth is, most women aren't really sure what to expect after they've slept with you for the first time, either... unless she's a pro, bear in mind that she's really only been through this situation a handful of times. If a girl's 24 years old and she's slept with 8 men, for instance, chances are 3 or 4 of them were one night stands she never saw again, and most of the rest were guys who took it slow with her, courting her over a period of time, and by the time she slept with them they were essentially behaving like a couple already.
For most girls, probably only a
quarter or less of the men they've ever slept with have had a
relationship trajectory like theirs and yours. They're in
relatively uncharted territory with you (for them).
What that means is, you can pretty much decide what the next step is, and do it, so long as you make it feel comfortable and natural for a girl. She doesn't have many expectations; she just needs you to make her feel at ease.
Having slept with her, you have a few things you need to do:
Let her know, within 12 hours or so of last seeing her, that you had a great time. The reason you're doing this is to defray any tension and head off any auto-rejection at the pass, same as what we talked about for the guy who's had an "okay" date. But the auto-rejection you're heading off here is preventing any risk of her saying, "He just wanted sex with me," or, "Oh no, I went too fast and now he won't respect me." By breaking the contact barrier with something like, "Hey Chrissie, had a great time last night. Hope you aren't too tired today ;)" she feels comforted and reassured.
Text her to meet a few days later. Depending on your relationship preference, I normally recommend meeting only twice a week (for a girlfriend) or once (for a casual relationship) to start with. If you want to take things more serious, you can start seeing her more later, but it's MUCH better to start slow and gradually build up than to start intense then gradually have to unwind.
Wait a few days after the two of you were together, then text her to meet up with you again. That can look like this:
You: "Hey Kelly, hope you're having a great week. What's your schedule look like tomorrow or Friday? I'm preparing to cook you a delicious chicken dinner feast the next time we meet since you paid for the food last time. Which day's best?"
You want to see her again after too long to "cement" the two of you as seeing one another, so you don't normally want to wait too long... often you can, but there's really no point risking a longer wait, though. So, simply see her within a few days.
Do things this way (not too fast, not too slow), and you stand a fairly reliable chance of converting girls you slept with on the first date into ongoing lovers and girlfriends.
How to Get a Second Date After a Failed Escalation
If a first date that went well but didn't get physical is a "maybe" for getting a second date, and a first date that made it to sex and ended well is a "probably yes" for getting a second date, a first date that got to the point of physical escalation and then didn't result in intimacy is, most often, a "probably not."
There is a term in psychology known as "rationalization;" rationalization is when someone looks at
his or her actions first, and comes up with reasons for them second.
Rationalization is considered a defensive mechanism - it's ego-protective. Things happened because we wanted them to happen; we are in control.
Everybody does it, pretty much. It's a ubiquitous human trait. And when it comes to seduction, rationalization can be your most powerful ally - or your most powerful enemy.
Take a girl, an ordinary girl. She's pretty, intelligent... she has a pleasant personality. You take her on a date, things go well; you invite her home. She accepts. There, you start to kiss her; and the first kiss goes well, and you start to escalate physically. Then, she begins to resist. At this point, there's going to be one of three possible outcomes:
At some point, you will overcome her resistance, and she will assent to sleeping with you, and the two of you will become lovers.
At some point, you will give up trying to overcome her resistance, and she will either sleep (platonically) in your bed, or she'll go home to sleep in hers.
At some point, while you are trying to overcome her resistance, she will decide that she definitely does not want to sleep with you, and she will get up and go.
If she takes Door #3, there's nothing you can do about that. You tried, and she decided her answer was "no." This happens sometimes... but in fact, it's very rare.
The reason? If she's gone on a date with you and decided to go home with you, 98% of the time she's already thinking that she'd be open to sex with you. Very occasionally, you'll meet a girl who's completely inexperienced with men and thinks it's harmless to be alone with a man who's interested in her, but this is very rarely the case. More often, you'll find women who profess innocence ("I had no idea you were going to make a move!") while having known full well what to expect all along.
So, outcome 3, you can't do anything about, but you'll hardly ever see. What about outcomes 1 and 2?
The amazing thing is, with most seductions, they can go either way, and are completely dependent on which of you has the strong will, the stronger desire to see his professed outcome achieved, and the greater amount of experience in aggressing and resisting.
Defense is the weaker play,
generally; you don't get "wins" on defense that strengthen your
resolve. You only get losses. Women almost always take the "defense"
role (resisting intimacy), and it's almost always the man's role to go
on "offense" (pursuing intimacy). Sometimes this is a ploy on her part,
though sometimes it reflects genuine ambivalence. If your "offense" is
strong enough, you'll wear down her "defense;" but if her "defense" is
stronger, you'll wear out your "offense" before you can beat that
"defense." Resistance to sex is quite often a battle of attrition; she
likes you enough not to leave, but not enough to get together with you
- it's your job to stick to the game plan long enough that she either
leaves, or gets together with you.
The thing is, a woman's feeling about you and thoughts about what she ACTUALLY WANTED after the face change DRAMATICALLY based on what HAPPENS.
So, if you tough it out for a couple of hours and overcome that monster resistance you faced with her and finally take her as your lover, and then you give her an amazing experience that night and the next morning and have a good breakfast together, she will reflect back on that night and think, "God, he knew what I wanted more than I did. What an amazing man he is."
But, if you tough it out for a couple of hours and give up 15 minutes before you would have broken through her resistance and you fail to take her as your lover and she leaves, she will look back and think, "Man, I just am not into him at ALL! Thank GOD we did not have sex! I dodged a real BULLET there!"
This is rationalization at its finest. You're the same. She's the same. Only how much you persist and whether you seal the deal with her or not varies... and it leads to completely different opinions of you and how attracted to you she is.
That also is to say that if you try to mate with her and fail, she writes that off as having happened because she WANTED it to happen - in other words, that she judged you and found you unworthy.
And now you want to get her out on a second date.
Fat chance! she thinks. You already know my decision - no! I made it that night!
When you've got something as big as a failed mating attempt, with its big black mark on your record, you normally can't turn that around with simply the same things you used to get the girl in bed the first time around. That means that:
- Normal texting with her
- Normal asking her out
- Normal conversation
- Normal dating processes
- Normal physical escalation
... all go out the window. She's seen it before, she's established how she reacts to it, and she'll just do the same thing again.
So what do you do?
Well, you need a reset.
You need something that can communicate to her that her original assessment of you was wrong, and force a reevaluation.
You need her to give you a second look... one that isn't being filtered through the distorted lens of rationalization anymore.
And you can't do that by doing the same things you've already done.
So, you will text her... and you will invite her out again, but it should not be for another week or so at least after your failed escalation, and it should not be until she's had some time for her emotions of mild disgust at a failed mating attempt to dissipate somewhat.
And what you're going to invite her out to is not going to be a normal date.
Instead, you're going to text her... and you're going to invite her to a party, and it has to be one where you're going to be putting on a show for her - she needs to see you surrounded by flirty, interested women.
Which means you're going to drop off the radar after things don't go as planned, and then you're going to send her something like this, somewhere from 7 to 14 days after your unsuccessful attempt to get together with her:
You: "Hey Kelly! How's the past week been treating you? We're putting together a big group of friends going to Main Bar on Friday - it's going to be sick. You should totally be there - the first of us are getting there at 9. Think you can make it? First drink for girls is free."
You: "Hey Kelly! How's the past week been treating you? We're putting together a big group of guys and girls going to dinner at Chez Ritz Friday night at 8 PM. The food there is supposed to be AMAZING. It's totally up your alley - think you can join us? You're going to love it..."
At this point, she's going to be confused; are you friend zoning her? She won't know. It's odd. And she's... kinda gotta know.
You're violating the rule about not taking girls on party dates. You're running the risk of getting her out, overplaying your hand at making her jealous and sending her into auto-rejection (and the arms of another man). And you're adding steps to a seduction you almost had sewn up. All sound like things I've expressly and repeatedly told you not to do.
But the fact is, a failed mating
attempt - unless it's with a very inexperienced girl who REALLY
likes you - is all but a death knell
for your odds of getting together with a girl... and you need
something dramatic to reset her interest in you.
And the only way you're going to reset her expectations now is through preselection.
At this point, you've made contact.
You've invited her out on a second date - be it:
- Another "normal" date if you didn't get physical on Date #1
- Simply to meet you at your place if you took her to bed successfully last time
- Or, to meet you out at a party or social gathering, following a botched escalation
Now all you've got to do is figure out how to run THIS date... and what your objective is.
A Second "Normal" Date
If you just had an "okay" date the first time around - if it didn't end up with the two of you hot and heavy in the bedroom (or her spurning your advances...), then you've got a couple of options this time around:
Running the same kind of date we discuss in "Simplify Your Dates" with the things we discussed in the article on first-date sex, focused on structuring things so that the two of you become lovers at the end of the date (or the middle of the date, if it helps you to think of it that way!)
Running another short informational date like what we talked about in the article on date templates
If you didn't escalate on Date #1 because you just don't have the
confidence that you can do it "that fast," and you still feel like Date
#2 is "too soon," you can go for another short-but-sweet date, a la the
informational date template. You do
NOT want to have an overlong date that builds a lot of emotions but
does not lead to sex under ANY circumstances, though.
So if you're absolutely not ready to try and bed a girl yourself yet, keep it short, keep it light, and don't go too deep. Save that for when you're ready to get serious (unless you want to end up deep in the friend zone as the platonic guy she has a meaningful emotional connection with and views as a kind of "brother" of hers).
Otherwise, it's time to step it up and make things happen. If you first date was good enough, you can even invite the girl to come straight to your place on this date.
I won't go into detail on how to run this date, since you'll be running it the same way we discuss in the articles on simplifying your dates and achieving sex on the first date (the only difference is, this is a second date).
You'll have an advantage here, and that's that if you're like most guys, you yourself will probably be more comfortable escalating things on a second date than a first. There's also a chance the girl is more comfortable with you and more open to this, especially if your vibe and presence aren't down quite perfectly yet and the first date would've been pushing it too much.
You'll also have a disadvantage here, and that's that because things are following a more traditional dating route now, you'll be experiencing more traditional dating expectations: that you pay for a date; that you follow traditional courtship rituals; and that you compete for a girl on all the same categories as other men do - job, social status, provider potential, etc. You'll have to fight these off to be able to move quickly and get to intimacy here; otherwise, you may end up looking at a long, drawn out seduction that takes place over many dates and has a high probability of resulting in you being friend zoned or told that she just "isn't ready for a relationship" somewhere along the line.
So, move fast - make it happen.
A Second Date, Post-Intimacy
When you're meeting up with her after having slept together on the first date, she probably doesn't know what to expect, and you may not, either.
Don't make it unduly hard on yourself.
Your goal, on this date, is to take her to bed again, very soon into the date, and remove all awkwardness, apprehension, or doubt in either of your minds.
The sooner this happens, the easier a time you'll have it.
She may not be in a "sexy" mood when she shows up at your place. That's fine. Throw on some music, and don't push things.
Let her relax.
- Talk about "last time"
- Tell her how much you enjoyed sleeping with her
- Act gushy or "in love"
- Act like you're desperate for sex or love or thinking about it in anyway
Instead, be calm, cool, and collected. Put your sexy vibe on. And let her get herself at ease.
If she's very uncomfortable or awkward, don't try to make something happen until she relaxes. If she won't relax, feel free to call her out on it, and give her a command, e.g.
"Hey, are you going to be awkward all night, or are you going to come help me cook this chicken over here?"
Once you call her out on it in a friendly and warm way, and give her a command to carry out (ideally, something together with you), you'll find that she very quickly loses her awkwardness.
Now that she's aware of it, she's trying to rid herself of it.
This gets her comfortable, and once she's doing something together with you she's also getting comfortable with you in close proximity.
Take the opportunity to escalate again, and take her to bed once more.
Once you've slept with a girl on two to three separate occasions, generally speaking, you're now officially a couple, to one degree or another, and you can drop the pretenses and make it natural.
A Second Date, After a Failed Mating Attempt
Am I being too technical here calling it a "failed mating attempt?" That's really how I think of it now, to put it in starker light. A lot of guys seem to call this, "Tried to get together with her but I couldn't get past making out with her / her shirt / her bra," but I think this is too ego-protective and hides the issue.
The issue is, you tried to mate with her, and your effort was rebuffed. And now in her mind, you have tried to mate with her, and been rejected.
It's almost as bad as if you are impotent, or sterile. You're "not a real man."
And now you need to fix that image in her head.
But not with her. Usually, if you've failed once at mating, you won't get another shot. If you're hoping to convince her what a sexy man you are, you'll be disappointed: she sees your sexuality as non-existent.
There's are only two things that are going to change her mind:
A whole heck of a lot of time (10 or 12 months, maybe? A couple of years?), or
Preselection, as you recall from the article linked to earlier on the topic (and if you don't, it's right here again), is when a woman sees that other women are interested in you, attracted to you, and investing in you. And, if you recall, this is quite possibly the single biggest attraction trigger there IS in women.
It's greater than resources.
It's greater than looks.
It's greater than fashion.
It's greater than dominance.
It's greater than social proof.
It's greater than every other thing you could possibly do to make yourself more attractive.
And it's quite possibly the only thing that can effectively save you from a failed mating attempt.
Now, this is where you need to walk the tightrope.
You need to get this girl out somewhere that she can see you shining, socially. You need to be commanding the attention of people, and she needs to see women chasing after you.
That doesn't mean that girls need to be throwing themselves at you... but it does mean that women should be trying to talk to you, and get ignored for a second or two before you give them your attention because you're too busy talking to someone else... that women should be hovering near you, or talking to you, or touching you, or competing over you.
And she needs to see this.
The good news is, if you can make it happen, she'll almost certainly see it. She's going to be paying more attention to you than anyone else there... analyzing your every movement... observing with great detail how the other men and women in attendance are responding to you and treating you.
She wants to know if she made the right "choice" by spurning your advances.
And if she sees that other women are competing for you... especially if they're women she finds as attractive or more attractive than her in one way or another... she's going to have immediate cause to reconsider.
This actually isn't as hard as it sounds. All you've got to do is:
- Be charming, and
- Be the center of attention, at least some of the time.
If you can do that, you'll get good receptions from the women around you almost by default, and your girl will take note.
What do you do after?
This is the part most guys mess up.
Most guys either:
Go for the girl they tried to sleep with and messed up with - but now they're chasing, and she's got all the power (after all, she already said "no" once!), and while she may like you a bit more, as soon as you start chasing she knows she's still in charge. OR, guys
Go for another girl in the group to make the first girl jealous - but once she's started liking you again and thinking she might have been hasty in spurning you the first time, she's going to start worrying this might happen (especially if you're doing a good job and being friendly but not paying much attention to her in this outing), and if you go for another girl there's a good chance she plunges straight into auto-rejection, and maybe even tries to make you realize what you're missing out on by flirting / making out / leaving with another guy from the group / party / bar / dinner.
So if you can't go for her, and you can't get another girl in the group... what can you do?
The answer: leave.
After a few hours of you at your most charming best, you will simply tell everyone you need to get going. You can say you've got to get up early tomorrow if you like. If you're one of the first to leave, this is very noticeable. You'll go around, bid your farewells, and, at last, you'll say goodbye to your girl, and spend a split second longer with her than you have everyone else. Be warm with her... she's melted at this point, and is no longer frozen to you and closed off.
But don't ask her out, don't suggest you'll see her again, don't mention the last date at all under any circumstances. If she does, play it off like you almost forgot that happened. Just tell her you're really glad she came out, and tell her you hope she has a great night... and then leave.
What's this do?
She watched you commanding women's attention, and decided that she might have been wrong in rejecting you (preselection)
She saw you commanding the group's attention, and realized how well-liked, socially savvy, and popular you are (social proof)
She saw you not paying a great deal of attention to her at all, communicating that you clearly aren't as "hung up" on her as she expected you would be (as is usually the case with men women spurn)
But, you were still warm with her when you did talk to her, communicating that you weren't bitter or in auto-rejection about things
Finally, she watched you leave early, not trying to pursue other women, and not trying to pursue her - leaving while you were on top. Men do NOT do this, and she doesn't understand why. Are you seeing someone? Are you so sure of yourself that you don't need to stick around and see what the night might bring you? What is going on?
... and with that, you've gone from being that guy that she had her finger on, that she knew exactly what he was all about, and that she had rejected and was absolutely certain she made the right choice about doing so with... to a guy she realizes she made totally the wrong decision about, that she actually likes and finds attractive... and who's now just left, off into the night, without trying to get anything from anyone, and she doesn't know why.
And the next day, you'll send her this message:
You: "Glad you made it out last night, Kelly - it was great seeing you. What do you say to a coffee or a hot chocolate this week? Let me know your schedule if you're up for it."
Take her on a brief informational date. Be chill. Don't push for anything. Keep it short, and leave after an hour or so (have a prior engagement that she can understand), but before you do, ask her if she'd like to cook dinner sometime later that week - she'll almost certainly say yes. Sort out the details then and there - when's good for her? Day, time - what's she bringing to your place for the meal (wine, dessert, etc.)?
It's important that you follow this process of hitting these notes while her emotions are still warm:
Asking her out for a short date while she's still confused and intrigued and regretful over the night before
Asking her to dinner at the end of the short date while she's still feeling like, "Wow, I actually like him a lot more than I thought I did!"
The best part of it is this: she's been to your place. She knows
that physical escalation and sex happens there. She knows that if she agrees to come to
your place, she's agreeing to sex. So if you ask her out over
text after your informational date, there's a good chance she needs to
sit and deliberate and hem and haw, and a good chance she says "yes"
anyway, but also a good chance she says "no."
But because you ask her to dinner on a high point of the date, and when she doesn't want to see you leave, she's inclined to agree. In other words, she knows that going to your place means sex. And she agrees to go to your place to cook dinner with you.
Her rationalization kicks in again now - but this time, it's in her favor. She's agreed to have sex with you, and she knows it. Except now when she rationalizes, she rationalizes this:
"Well, I must really like him if I agreed to have sex with him!"
Just make sure you don't miss the escalation window THIS time around... because otherwise, my next piece of advice is going to be go get famous in Hollywood, because that's the only thing that might possibly save you from TWO botched escalations!
Take care of business. She wants you to.
And you won't have to worry about scheduling a second second date to get things back on track.
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