How to Not Be Shy


You know the feeling – the one where you see a group of people laughing about a movie you love or getting excited about an overseas location that you know like the back of your hand.

But there you are, standing on the outskirts of the group. Maybe you have a drink in your hand. Maybe you have your hands in your pockets. Maybe you have you arms crossed. Whatever the case may be, you feel intimidated, uneasy, and possibly even scared about the situation at hand.

how to not be shy

You want to be a part of the fun. You know you have something to offer. But the prospect of approaching new people – or worse, approaching that beautiful girl across the room – is much too daunting for your brain to grasp. So you sit there. Doing nothing. Feeling awkward. And then you go home, not making a splash – not even making a ripple.

And you wonder to yourself: “Will things always be like this? Will I ever overcome my shyness and actually connect with people?”

Well, if you’ve been wondering about how to not be shy, wonder no more. I’ve put together a complete primer on how to overcome shyness.


how to not be shy

Shyness vs. Introversion

A while back I wrote a post on seduction for introverts. In it, I discussed the tenets of getting women for those of us who are introverts and don’t like expending massive amounts of energy all of the time in the pursuit of the fairer sex.

And also in it I discussed the important distinction between being shy and being introverted. Being shy is very different from being introverted. Being introverted means that you just draw your energy and recharge your batteries from smaller social situations or by yourself. But, if you’re put in a social situation, you can still converse and interact with the same level of efficacy as anyone else.

And as an introvert you may feel some social jitters at first, but usually you can ease your way into a social interaction. This is why I describe myself as an introvert. I love spending time with people, and I usually have little problem chatting up strangers – especially if I’m working up my social momentum. However, I always reach an inevitable point where I get “socially exhausted” and I need to go be by myself for a while or just have a conversation with a good friend in a low-key setting.

On the other hand, people who are shy have a fear of social interaction or social judgment. People who are shy feel anywhere from uneasy to downright crippled when they are put in a situation where they have to interact with strangers. They often keep to themselves and are really quiet in most cases.

And thus, the difference between introversion and shyness is an important one. You can be introverted and not be shy (like me), but I think that most people who are shy are also introverted.


Being Shy is not a “Defect”

It’s also important to mention that there isn’t something inherently wrong with being shy. Being shy is not some sort of defect; it’s just a natural affection of certain people. Some shy people I know are some of the warmest, sweetest people I’ve ever met. You just have to ease them into a sense of comfort or trust before you find out about the deep details of their life.

And I’ve even known girls who like a bit of shyness in their men. Women do have a fantasy about finding a guy who is the strong, silent type, and then being the one who is able to win him over.

how to not be shy

So just like introversion vs. extroversion, being shy isn’t something to be ashamed of by any means.

But that being said…


Being Shy Makes Seduction Harder

Being shy makes seducing women worlds harder. There are many reasons for this:

But there is one reason that stands far above all others for why shyness makes seduction so hard: you won’t approach enough girls. Is being able to have sex with women entirely a numbers game? Absolutely not. Your skills will be based on many other factors like your fashion and relatability.

But is it greatly a numbers game? Absolutely. It’s no coincidence that the guys who have the most sex are the guys who approach the most women. And as a corollary to them approaching the most women, they also get rejected the most.

So as you may imagine, this fact creates quite the predicament for shy guys. A lot of the root of shyness is a fear of exposing yourself to the scrutiny and judgment of others. And when you approach a woman, that’s exactly what you’re doing – you’re putting yourself in her path so that she can scrutinize and assess you (and in turn, you can assess her).

Moreover, shy people fear social rejection. And if you’re shy and uncalibrated, chances are that’s exactly what you’ll get from women. Even the most experienced guys get rejected constantly, so the shy guys will have to deal with the same reality.

Thus, this single reason of approaching and facing the prospect of rejection is the greatest challenge for the shy man. So how does he overcome this challenge and topple all of the other difficulties of being shy as well?


how to not be shy

The great debate in the seduction community – which will always be the great debate – is whether success comes from within or without. Does it come from changing your outlook and your habits and then generating results, or does it come from taking massive action and having your external results influence your internal landscape?

I believe that it comes from both. Your internal and external states are a symbiotic cycle that can either propel you to greatness or spiral you down into misery. So if you want to see true success in any endeavor, you have to take care that both of these areas are being properly served.

As such, I will look at both the internal and external changes that you have to make as a shy guy in order to find greater ease and success with women.


Core Values

It cannot be understated how much your core values influence the way you interact with the world. We really don’t see things as they are, but as we are. Pay close attention to this next time you have a conversation with someone. How do their biases, assumptions about the world, along with their basic core values, influence the way they see life and other people? It’ll be shocking how apparent underlying narratives are when you pay them mind.

So if you want to reduce or eliminate your shyness, you must first start with the core values that will allow you to be open to people and opportunities.

Core value #1: “People are kind and people want to talk to me.” It’s funny how many guys hold the core value that women – or even people in general – are mean. They’ll say things like “Nah, I can’t talk to her. Look at that expression on her face; she’s probably really bitchy.” Not only is this implying that everyone who is approachable must be in a constant state of mirth, but it expresses a value that women are at their core more often mean and unwelcoming than kind and approachable.

And the funny thing about core values is whatever you go in with is exactly what you’ll get out. So what results do you think these guys get?

You, on the other hand, must operate with the core value that people are not only nice, but that they want to talk to you. People are, at their core, very social beings. Even if they’re in their own world (which happens more often in the West), they will at least be polite to a stranger. And if they hit a point of connection with you, it may surprise you how quickly they will move from lukewarm to energetic and excited.

So be open to new encounters.

Core value#2: “What I say has value.” Some shy people don’t like social situations because they believe that people won’t care about what they have to say. But it’s important to know that what you say does have value. In fact, sometimes I love being around shy people because even though they don’t say much, the one thing they do say is often so much funnier or more insightful than the previous hour of idle chat that I had been exposed to.

If you’re shy, you are probably a great listener. But don’t forget that what you say has value as well. You must ingrain the core value that you have something to add in most social situations.

Core value #3: “All interactions with new people are least slightly awkward or uncomfortable.” This is a core value that really all guys should hold. Guys have a fantasy that all pick-ups should look like a scene from James Bond. Now will you have a pick-up every once in a while where you feel like James Bond? Absolutely.

But will it look like a scene from James Bond? Doubtful. There will be a moment or two where you say something stupid. There will be a moment of awkwardness where neither of you knows what to say. There will be a moment where she makes a reference you don’t understand.

how to not be shy

95% of pick-ups will be messy. And in the remaining 5% the girl will be so bought into you that it doesn’t matter what errors you make. So get the idea of the perfect pick-up out of your head. Can you be smooth? Without a doubt you can be smooth. Can you be confident? You can certainly be confident.

Can you be flawless? No, you cannot be flawless. And that’s okay. It’s much more valuable to muddle through the dips and obstacles anyway.

Core value #4: “I accept myself.” If you’re on the path of improvement then you’ve already taken an important step in your life. The path of improvement is a long one. It’s a difficult path. And the changes you make are often imperceptible. So it’s paramount that you accept yourself fully now. Each day you get better. And with that knowledge you know that you can accept yourself and be proud of what you have to offer the world today.

So now that we’ve looked at the internal, let’s have a look at the external shifts that need to be made in order to stop being shy.


how to not be shy

Take Small Steps

As a shy guy, it’s important to take small steps toward making yourself more comfortable in social situations. And I mean very small steps. Meet one new person each weekend. Ask one cashier how their day is going. Ask one person for the time.

Write down a few manageable goals for yourself. Then act on them. Hold yourself accountable.

If you mind these small steps, they will eventually begin to pave the way toward giant leaps. So take small steps and be consistent with them.


Be Around the Right People

Although you should hold yourself accountable, it’s impossible to be completely effective when you are on your own. So surround yourself with people who will accept you and push you.

It’s important to surround yourself with positive people who will build you up and guard your trust. And once you’re around these people, it’s equally important that these people are individuals who will force you to grow. Environment is everything.

Find people whose social skills you admire and make an intention to spend more time around them and absorb some of their skills and habits.


Bring Yourself Out of Your Shell

Enroll yourself in an activity that forces you to be on the spot and step out of your comfort zone. Try salsa dancing or take improv classes. These activities will not only force you to interact with other people, they will also teach you about spontaneity, building confidence, and learning to express yourself. And hey, you might even learn something new.

And after you start learning these new skills – apply them in social situations. Tell an off-the-cuff joke to a few people, go to a salsa club and teach people a couple of moves. These skills are of no use to you if you don’t bring out your liberated self in social situations. Once you build the foundation to express your inner self, you will become more and more comfortable with being open around people. And you may even get to the level where you want to perform in small settings in a more official way.


Talk to More Girls

It could be at a party. It could be on the bus. It could be in class. Wherever it is, you need to talk to more girls once your social confidence and awareness increases. If you have followed the small steps from earlier, then you will already be in the habit of chatting up random people. So applying that social energy to girls shouldn’t be a massive leap.

how to not be shy

Talk to more girls, and surround yourself with more girls. Just become generally comfortable with female presence and energy around you.


Push Sexuality

The final step towards a full transformation is learning how to push sexuality. Talking to random people and chatting up girls is important. Perhaps it’s the most important step in terms of breaking out of your shy shell. But once you’ve broken out of that shell, you must transform yourself into a sexy man.

You must have girls thinking of you as a potential lover and not just a platonic friend. And once you learn to push sexuality, you will be a completely different person.


Wrapping Up

Overcoming a sense of shyness is a process just like anything else. Just like approach anxiety or one it is, it takes the right impetus, discipline, and consistency to change. But once you do change it, you will look back at yourself and barely remember the way you used to be. And you will absolutely love the feeling.

But first, you must take the initial step.

Carpe diem,

Colt

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Comments

kosinekokma's picture

Yo, Colt! That's EXACTLY what


Yo, Colt!
That's EXACTLY what I needed, man!!!!!
Well, yesterday I thought about overcoming
my shyness but just didn't know how, and
today I read this excellent articles of yours!
Brilliant!!!!
I want to get close to the popular guys so we can become
friends . I know I need to be valuable so what would
you advise me to do to become a value generator?

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey Kokma,

Check out the following articles.

Social Value
Be Cool
Guy Talk

Hope that helps,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

When I first started out


When I first started out learning to overcome my shyness, I found it hard to become friends with thoes who had the idealized personality I wish to become. This happens because we tend to attract people of similar backgrounds and temperament. And even if I did find people that had the personality and lifestyle I aspired to, their energy levels, their mentalities, and their beliefs were so different than mine that I still had a hard time seeing how I can ever become friends with the people that I had aspired to become.

So, what I did was join clubs and started working on my basic social skills. I made an effort to say hi to every member in the club. Soon, I was making friends (weak friends with few strong bonds). Overtime, I became a member of that club, ran the newsletters, became an ad hoc leader and go-to guy for the club, and was welcoming new members as they joined our club activities. In short, I was putting myself out there, talking to people, learning to be more sociable.

The changes occur incrementally. The friends that I had wanted to hang out with because I wanted to become that type of person hadn't occur initially. Overtime, I started to become the social, outgoing guy and was in fact attracting the people that I had wanted to associate with from the get-go.

So, what I'm saying to all those guys just starting out, trying to overcome your shyness is this. Like anything else, change is uncomfortable and hard, especially when we are the ones that have to do the changing. Second, it's a long, arduous road, and you will feel like surrendering many times along the way. Start off small, with manageable goals. In my case, I joined clubs (and volunteer organizations), slowly improving my social skills. Keep the path. Perservere. You will eventually make it. There will be times (I do that even now) when you feel like retreating back into your shell, to go back to your old ways. Be conscious of when this happens and ask yourself if you are retreating because you are going back to your old ways, or if you or simply an introvert and want to recharge your batteries. More often than not, it's the latter reason why I feel much more like sitting at home reading and writing than attend a party for the evening.

David Riley's picture

Good Job!


Hey Anon,

I'm glad to hear that you were able to turn your shyness around and overcome it. I'm also to hear your success, I'm hope guys reading this will learn from your example. Anyway I wish you more success in the future.

Take care,

Just Dave

Troy's picture

I Want to Overcome Shyness


I enjoyed this article and I hope I'll actually not just enjoy it but also act on the advice to improve myself.

One thing though, the talk is to always surround ourselves with positive people but how do we not be a social burden or how do we provide value?

If someone is not there yet in social prowess then wouldn't it make socially calibrated people want to get away from them.

I'm just curious to know how to not be a social burden to people when learning?

Great Article though. I've been using the baby steps advice long before I read this and it has been working (very slowly), so I stamp this article PROVEN based on my own experience.

Thanks

Troy

BeenThere's picture

Just stop focusing on it


Hey, Troy,

Well I hate to break it to you, but from my experience I found out that the truth is - no one that much cares about your shyness. It is quite irritating in the beginning and less and less as you get more and more successes in that thing. But reading articles won't change that much. You just have to find inner strength to finally get angry enough that you're hiding under anxiety shield. This way you are making girls, you could have awesome experiences with, be responsible for your life, cause you can brush main desicions off with your internal excuse 'well, I feel fear so it is not me'. You have to find your balls and get fully annoyed yourself with that shit. But don't get me wrong. I tried smashing head into wall or breaking stuff around me as a tool to express my anger about myself - it didn't help at all.
What really helps is resolution to stop hiding true from myself. I let myself know that I was dumb not to ask her number, not to care what she really feels (but still deep-dive)...

You just need to understand how wrong you're when hiding under fear shield and then things start changing. You throw porn out, you stop saying "I will learn something some day". You just acting like your life really matters, cause one day you will find yourself with nothing and this day it will be too late. Maybe not too late but who has better time picking up 20 years old cute girl, guy who is 20, or who is 40? Year after year goes really fast.

You're free and you can do nothing and still land good enough girls, but you can meet your fear and laugh at it 'haha, I was dumb and had it to stop me, but now I will just talk with her and I am really interested how positively I can affect our (my and her) lives'.

I don't like saying it, but for me it was shyness when I didn't care that much. When I finally understood how I am making fun out of my life and making it not a life for me but a scene for others (who still don't care, cause they are too deep in their thoughts)... I got so mad that I changed most things completely. I stopped for a week. I journalised all my activities, people I have in life and decided to make a change. To throw some activities away, to get better ones and not to talk too much with some people for validation, but get more in touch with those who truly are valuable... And then it all changes. And one day dude you will see, that most of the time shyness itself didn't destroy you things, and confidence itself didn't create attraction in her.

Take some sheet of paper write 2-3 things to do in outing and do it. Shyness comes mostly from being too much in your head. You better move out of your head - try to see how beautiful city, nature, girls are, how much people needed to do to create those wonderful structures around you, just anything that lets you stop thinking about yourself. And just know, that you being sweet with yourself, or angry with yourself don't change things. Planning, taking action and failing, then learning - does.

How much comfortable you feel isn't a main factor that can be used to measure your levels of possible success, sometimes it all gets tricky, cause this is the life and it always keeps things interesting.

Let your soul live, stop hiding under shield fear.

Best wishes,
BeenThere

Anonymous's picture

Exactly


Oh... I will add up to this.
Just stop making your life a performance for somebody who doesn't even care. Honestly no one cares that much, your spotlight on yourself is too huge, and don't regret about past or anything, better learn from it, bitterness leads nowhere... just stop playing that stupid game of 'what if they will laugh' you know the answer, you will go home and fix things if they will laugh, or change social circles if that becomes so necessary, but it is rare case that you could need it.
Just stop making shit out of your own only life, and you will be fine. Maybe you will have to play jester role for some time, but later time and effort will give you benefits that others will look at and be jealous of, no matter how able to get the same or better results they are themselves. Days, body and life are given to you, whether you waste them or succeed it is completely in your hands.

Stop searching for external validation all the time. You don't have to take it personally, everywhere what matters is your behavior and position in given situation, not your inner treasure or your good heart. And once you understand that happiness comes from within, that desicions when to be happy comes from within you see everyone as people, not as enemies or friends, just people like you and stop thinking that you are better or they are better, then you just live. And then shyness is gone.

I appreciate how guys here write stuff, but in fact they are all saying one thing - go and get your little hands dirty and you have to do it yourself, and aim for results, not for validation. If you don't learn to feel joy from within - no girls, no money and no things will bring it to you. Reveal yourself your ability to succeed.

Anonymous's picture

Push sexually


Could you give me a bit more detail on how to push sexuality towards a woman. I feel that you could give some more advice or tips on how to push sexually.

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey Anon,

Check out this article on sexual framing.

Sexual Framing
Physical Escalation

Hope that helps,

Just Dave

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