How to NEXT a Girl


Reading through posts in the relationship forum, as well as guys' relationship issues elsewhere on the Internet, there appears to be a lot of confusion over how and when to implement what I believe is the single most powerful tool in a man's relationship arsenal:

next a girl

The NEXT.

Throughout this article, I'm going to provide you with the proper contexts in which to execute a NEXT, which situations make it impossible or ineffective, and how to do it. But first, a definition:


A NEXT is a Period of No-Contact

That's the simplest definition I can think of. If you were to read that sentence and think, "Gee Drexel, that sounds a lot like just ignoring someone," you're right. It's ignoring the girl for a period of time, which depends on several factors.

Let's cover the theoretical side of NEXTing first.

While a NEXT can be used as a punishment, I don't think that's the best way to think about it. Rather, it can be more helpful to think of a NEXT as both a training tool and a time to re-think your priorities. A time to reflect, gather your thoughts, and decide your next actions in a calm, rational manner. Since many men cannot think rationally whilst in the middle of some big blow-up of drama or anger, it is often useful to remove yourself from the problematic environment before deciding how to proceed.

Many studies of behavioral psychology find that punishment is, quite simply, not as effective as simply ignoring behavior you don't want in your life. This is true for relationships, pets, and even friendships. A good rule of thumb is,

"Reward proper behavior, and ignore bad behavior."

By "proper behavior," I do not mean some archaic or religious set of behavioral doctrines -- though if you're a religious person, you can certainly interpret it however you want. As I mentioned, it's better to think of it as "what kind of behavior you want to deal with in your life, and what you will tolerate from those you allow to get close to you."

As such, the first thing you must do is decide what kind of behavior you will tolerate, and what you will not. Personally, my list of what I will not tolerate includes things like:

  • Property destruction of any kind

  • Unwarranted visits

  • Invasions of privacy (checking my computer or phone, which is off-limits no matter what)

  • Yelling

  • Name-calling

  • Childish behavior

  • Demands (though NEXTing is not my ideal way to handle demands, it can certainly be useful)

If I'm on the phone with a girl, and she raises her voice at me for any reason, I hang up INSTANTLY and will not contact her for several days. I don't care if she has a good point, because her concerns are not the issue at hand -- the way she handled herself while having such concerns is more the point.

There are two kinds of NEXTing, which I will reference throughout this article.

  1. A "soft next," a brief period of ignoring that lasts between 3 days and a week, depending on the severity of the behavior and how much time I need to figure out how to deal with it, and

  1. A "hard next," which is a forever-and-ever, delete-her-number type of ignoring. In this case, you are beyond the point of reconciliation, and her behavior was so horrendous that the best thing for your health is to cut her out of your life completely. An example of behavior that would warrant a hard-next, for me, would be physical abuse of any kind. Touching me in anger, with malicious intent, means that girl will NEVER hear from me, and I don't care how much she apologizes

Which brings me to my next point:

It doesn't matter if she apologizes during the NEXT period.

What happens typically during a NEXT period, is that you will be inundated with texts, calls, Facebook messages, and emails. They will be full of emotional rocket fuel, hamster rationalizations, expression of love or hatred, or sometimes an apology.

Ignore it completely.

If this is difficult for you, I encourage you to simply delete the messages as they come in. Don't even read them, there's a good chance you will be triggered to respond (which is exactly her intention).

Once the NEXTing period is over, you simply ping the girl and act as if nothing happened. Don't bring it up, don't mention why you did it, don't explain your rationale. Just move on. Trust me, she knows what she did wrong and probably doesn't want to talk about it any more than you do.

If there is a genuine issue at hand, and her concerns are valid, feel free to explain to her (if she doesn't get the hint) that you are more than happy to sit down and with her and have a calm discussion about whatever it is. Further, if she has something she'd like to talk about, she needs to do it like an adult -- not a manipulative child attacking your emotions.


How to NEXT

If she throws something at you that you don't like via electronic communication (Facebook, e-mail, text, phone call), this is fairly easy. Just stop communicating with her.

next a girl

If it's on the phone, hang up immediately and implement your NEXTing protocol.

For example, let's say you're casually dating a girl, and she wants you to become exclusive with her. The correct behavior on her part is to sit down, assert her requests calmly, and then listen calmly as you either accept her terms or reject them respectfully.

The incorrect, NEXT-worthy behavior would be for her to yell at you about what an asshole you are, how dare you be sleeping with other women, you're just a user and a scumbag!

In that case, you NEXT immediately. Not for the message, but for the way she chose to express it.

If this happens in person, you just calmly leave. Get up, grab your stuff and leave her place, if you're over there. She'll yell at you, make demands, give you ultimatums, etc. Be a man, ignore it, and just go. You might want to turn off your phone, too, since it'll be blowing up in very short order.

If it happens at your place, politely tell her that she needs to leave. At that point, she'll either relent and calm down, or she'll escalate…"What! How dare you tell me to leave!" If that happens, calmly explain that she is no longer welcome at your place, and will be trespassing if she does not leave right now.

If she continues to stay there and yell at you once this point is reached, feel free to call the police. By this time, what would have been worthy of a soft NEXT, is now (in my opinion) worthy of a hard NEXT instead.

For emotional guys, like me, this can be very hard -- especially at first. Everything inside you will tell you to argue, feed the drama, yell at her, put her in her place, defend yourself, etc. Just realize that every time you do that, you are giving her what she wants -- drama -- and increasing the likelihood that she will do it again later. Instead, do your best to just stop talking, remain calm to the best of your ability, and head out.

As I mentioned, you might be tempted to contact her or respond to her messages. Fight it! Be a man and carry through with your plan.

If you're having to do this a lot, with any particular woman, I encourage you to drop her from your rotation and hard NEXT her. She is a high-conflict individual, which will not change regardless of your response to her drama.

Now, for some troubleshooting:

  1. But Drexel, how can I just ignore her? I love her so much and it would hurt her!

    It's not about her, it's about YOU. It's about YOU making a clear statement of how YOU wish to be treated, and what YOU will tolerate in your life from your loved one(s). Also, you probably have oneitis and/or are codependent if you fail to do what's best for YOU out of fear of hurting someone else.

  2. How can I do this if I live with the girl?

    You can't. One of many reasons to never cohabitate with a lover. I know there are guys who think they are NEXTing girls they live with, either by leaving the house or ignoring her for a few days, but you need to think about this from the woman's perspective.

    She knows you have to come home. She thinks you're pouting and being a baby by giving her the silent treatment. She'll harass you about it until you relent, if you share space with her. Literally 100% of the power of the NEXT is removed if you have to come home to her that night, or the following day.

  3. Relationships take work, and arguments are just a part of smoothing over your issues.

    If this is your belief, then don't complain about why she's nagging you and arguing all the time. You've brought it on yourself by not realizing that happy relationships are drama-free, don't "take work" to manage if you do it properly (as in, utilizing NEXTs when need be), and you probably enjoy the drama too. There's nothing wrong with that, per se, just realize that you enjoy it on some level. I'd be lying if I said I don't get off on a good heated exchange every now and then, so you're not alone here.

  4. I can see this working when you're spinning several plates and have other girls to go hang out with instead, but will this work for a monogamous relationship?

    Yes. I will never give advice on monogamous relationships, since the only one I've ever had was about 6 years ago, but I believe it's probably even more important when it's your only relationship and thus, the one you really want to manage properly.

    This is how you manage it properly! That one mono relationship I had, with a gorgeous California blonde who was president of her sorority, I NEXTed her twice before we even slept together. It set the proper stage, showed her clearly how to treat me if she wanted to be a part of my life, and was to this day one of the best relationship experiences I've had. Not once did I have to NEXT her after those initial two. She was a smart cookie, and won my heart completely by catching on and treating me right (ladies, take note! Treat your men well and they will fall in love with you, guaranteed).

  5. How do I know she'll come back?

    You don't, though in my experience, a NEXT usually increases her investment and desire to please you. You do have to make peace with the fact that she might not come back, but is it really that big a deal to lose a girl who was treated you poorly? Asking whether she'll come back is quite dependent on the outcome, and shows that you are prioritizing your relationship over your own health and sanity. I understand that relationships are important and you don't want to lose one, but consider what's best for YOU, since that is what NEXTing is all about.


Why is a Next So Effective?

There are several things to consider here, so I'll try and list a few.

  1. It reminds her that in any relationship, YOU are your first priority. If she's been taking you for granted recently or treating you badly, it's a sharp reminder that you care about yourself more than simply acquiescing to her frame.

  2. It provokes competition anxiety, which ramps up her attraction to you. Why can you ignore her so easily? Is it because you're seeing another girl? Is she better in bed? Does she treat you better? Will you leave her for the other girl? These are all good things to be going through her mind right after you've shown her that you won't stand for her crap.

  3. Similar to above, it shows the ultimate trump card in any relationship: a willingness to cut contact and walk if you're not being treated well. So many guys put up with so much abuse and other garbage, that it truly separates you from the vast majority of men to simply go, "You know what, screw this, I'm leaving" and then take a few days or weeks to figure out how or whether you want to proceed.

next a girl

So there you guys go. A little guide on what NEXTing is, why it works so well, when to do it, and how to do it. Implement NEXTs from the very first time you meet a girl, and you will find great women who want to treat you well coming more and more into your life, while the ones who can't treat people well get kicked to the curb.

Drexel

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Comments

Zac's picture

Man's most powerful tool he ever had


What'sup man.

Man most powerful tool.. I think this is the same as decision, power of intention. Most men overlook, it's simply everything that defines who you are and what you want to achieve.

All successful people, successful seducers, people we respect all have this. :) i hope your article will reach to all men.

Zac

Anonymous's picture

Electronic messaging


Hi Drexel, great article!

I just wanted to know if you recommended use NEXTing to correct negative behaviour if the negative behaviour is her not replying to your messages?

Is her not replying to my messages her NEXTing me?!

Which leads to my next question...by mirroring her NEXTing am I actually encouraging that negative behaviour?!

My thoughts currently would be to be direct in respect to this behaviour and tell her what i consider acceptable.

Is any of my thinking correct? Your thoughts on this would greatly be appreciated.

Maxwell

Drexel Scott's picture

Hey Maxwell, great question,

Author

Hey Maxwell, great question, and something I've definitely had to think about in my own life!

Basically, if a girl is ignoring your messages, there's one of two reasons. Each of which requires a different play on your part.

Option 1: She's not interested in you, or at least, is prioritizing other lovers/potential lovers above you. If this is the case, a NEXT won't do anything to help HER investment or make HER interested...so you would NEXT her for YOURSELF, so that YOU can go out and find other options, other girls who will like you more. In other words, it will not work to "win her over," it will work to free yourself from a bad investment.

Option 2: She's punishing you for something you did, or she perceived to be offensive. I had the exact same struggle you're having just a few months ago, when a lady friend was giving me the silent treatment. I saw her every day (we lived in the same community), and so thought I could effectively NEXT her by simply ignoring her when I saw her, not reaching out, etc.

What it turned into was, two people ignoring each other and accomplishing nothing. It wasn't working, she wasn't reaching out. Girls are Pro's at the silent treatment!

Eventually I got pissed off about it and confronted her. I said, "You're giving me the silent treatment because something is bothering you. I wish you would express it to me like an adult so we could have a conversation about it instead of just ignoring me until I somehow magically figure out what you're thinking." She denied giving me the silent treatment, and so I left.

Two days later, she came up to me, admitted that she HAD been giving me the silent treatment, THANKED ME FOR CALLING HER OUT ON IT, and then had a calm discussion with me about the issue at hand. Sometimes when they're acting childish they need a man to call out their bullshit and force them to behave like adults.

So you need to figure out which is the reasoning behind her silence, and handle it appropriately. Hope that helps!

stratvm's picture

works with lower quality women


than you. though it is one hell of a task to cut contact with women who are lower status than you this is what i realized. they just keep contacting you even months after you last spoken to them. very aggressively. so i recommend to use burner phone numbers because you can block them online but not via phone. they also come to your flat so if you dont have building security its a nightmare. so the i'd add to the article: avoid women of lower quality lile plague...

on the othet hand higher quality girls just disappear to thin air, they are drowning in choices. one reason why i like the site's idea to never settle nowadays, they are eating men like bread.

PaulO's picture

Marriage


I know you say you can't next a woman when you live together; but if you're married to her living together is the norm. There are obviously ways to handle issues in a monogamous "living-together" relationship, and NEXTing might not be the right terminology for it. Is it a case of "ignore bad behaviour and praise good behaviour"?

Ross Leon's picture

Well written article


Well written article Drexel.

"Reward proper behavior, and ignore bad behavior."

Any dog owner should understand this principle. In order to stop excessive barking, ignore the dog while it is barking. When the dog is quiet and respectful to others, give it attention.

K..'s picture

I don't quite understand


While I do admit that you have good points here, there's something I don't understand here. Did you just say that when a girl is giving the silent treatment, that's childish behavior, but when you're doing it, it's a powerful tool? :) Because if a girl loses her temper and yells at you, and you choose to leave, after which she calms down and tries to apologise and/or talk things through, and you won't let her but ignore her instead, that IS silent treatment. What else could it be? If you think it works, I won't be the one to blame you for doing it, I just think you'd be more honest to use the same term for both genders here. :)

I, for one, would not accept this kind of behavior towards me but forget about the man instead. I mean, I'd surely understand if a man left my place when I was behaving annoyingly, but if I realise my mistake and try to sort out the matter in a polite and sensible way, I expect my man to cooperate. If he doesn't, I think HE is the childish one. People make mistakes and I make them too, but I do not like drama, and actually, that is exactly the reason why I don't tolerate the silent treatment. I see that as drama too, compared to talking things through. Of course the both people have to be ready to talk (in a rational way, no yelling).

I do agree with many of your points though. I have ignored some people from my life permanently, not lovers but friends, and I don't regret it. There's no need to tolerate behavior that pisses you off and makes you feel bad. Causing too much drama can definitely be like that, as well as very manipulative behavior in general. The bad thing about this is that by kicking one friend out of your life you risk losing a couple of others on the side. Has happened to me, not cool. Would still act the same way though.

Thanks for your interesting article!

Anonymous's picture

Stop gender-baiting


It's not a gender thing.

If you comprehend his message then you'll realize that he called the chick childish not because she's a woman giving silent treatment, but instead because when he called her out on her behavior and tried to talk things out, instead of her owning it, she instead pretended to not know what he was talking about.. and continued being silent about the issue at hand instead of having a rational conversation then at that point to fix the problem. Adults fix problems and children pretend to not know what's going on is his point.

But at least she did woman up and initiate the convo with him two days later.
And a larger more fundamental point is that as a man, a powerful man, you cannot yield to women when they pull these childish shenanigans on you. You have to be firm and resolute and be willing to walk away else these women will do whatever they have to do in terms of silent treatment or withholding approval or love to get what they want.

Don't believe me? Go to the following video:
http://www.videobash.com/video_show/my-little-pony-toy-store-extortion-9...

Scroll to 1:57 and see what the little girl does to her dad to get her way.

Girls are masters at this art of withholding approval to get their ways... and this little girl shows how early they learn to put this emotional weapon into action.

I think Chase and/or the authors should write more about what women do to get their way using this video as a start.

Drexel Scott's picture

@K: I will generally give one

Author

@K:

I will generally give one quick warning. For example, if a girl has raised her voice at me in person, I will either address it directly with something like "If you want to speak with me, lower your voice immediately," or disarm it playfully with something like "You're at a 10...I need you at a 6. Bring that tone down a few notches" depending on the situation.

However, if a girl is being disrespectful and I start to leave, two things can happen. The first, as you've asked about, is an immediate relenting and apology. That's OK with me. However, what happens at least as often is "Where are you going?!?! How DARE you leave! I'm talking to you!" in which case yes, I will leave and ignore her for several days. Once I'm out the door, the NEXT is in effect, though I expect an apology somewhere in the incoming 20 texts I'll be getting over the next 24 hours. Too late by that time.

When girls use the silent treatment, it's generally because they aren't getting their way with something that they oftentimes haven't even expressed and expect you to just magically figure it out. I encourage guys to use the NEXT when a girl is blatantly doing something obnoxious, which she knows is wrong and will quickly figure out with no ambiguity as to why you're acting the way you're acting. It is not the same thing, though I suppose on the surface it can appear rather similar.

I hope that explanation helps. Also guys, please ignore K's assertion that she would "quickly forget a man who NEXTed her." No she wouldn't. Her hamster would run a marathon and she would do everything in her power to treat him well, at least for a short while, until she earned back his favor. Unless she's spinning plates, which is also quite likely, and he is low on her totem pole--in that case, forgetting him and moving on is certainly possible. If you're her main guy, she's not going to forget you and move on that easily.

Blaze's picture

@Drexel


Hi Drexel, thanks for such a wonderful article.

So there's this girl I met on facebook..we talked for a bit and went to see her (She lives in a different city). Things escalated sexually but she put up a very strong LMR..she made me finger her but wouldn't make me penetrate. We both agreed to see eachother on New Year's Eve. Fast-forward to a few weeks later to New Year's eve she flakes out after making spend money & time to come to her city.

Anyway I let her know I wasn't happy so she asks me to go for lunch with her on New Year's day, we end up having a big argument because she kept saying stuff about her ex just to try make me jealous since I made her know I have options when it comes to women.
I tried to make peace the next day but things got worst with arguments & we both ended up saying some hurtful stuff to eachother. She even asked me to stay out of her life. She She asked me to leave her place but later sent me a text saying I'm arrogant.

I deleted her off Facebook and now nexting her. It's been two weeks now since I started using the guidelines of your article on haw to next a girl. She hasn't spoken to me or apologized. I expected at least an apology from her.

What's your opinion on this story Drexel ? Do I keep nexting her or ping her somewhere along the line ?

Anonymous's picture

What is your reasoning for


What is your reasoning for cutting a girl out of your life if she slaps you? You wouldn't give her a warning, then cut her out if she did it a second time? I feel like someone should at least have a warning for what is and is not acceptable behavior. But then again, it is almost always unacceptable to physically abuse someone (unless through self defense).

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