The 7 Key Qualities in Men Women Want

It’s a question as old as the art of seduction itself: what do women want? Legions of men out there have spent long, lonely nights – following a rejection or disappointing night outing – pondering this question.

men women want

So… really, what do women want? Well, luckily for you, one of the things at the top of their list is a quality man. And what do they look for? What defines the men women want? Today I’m going to outline the 7 key qualities that all women (but especially the most high-value ones) look for in a man.

men women want

A few days ago I was talking to a good friend about a date that he had just gone on with a very hot girl. This is a girl who has dated a man in every high-powered or prestigious position you can imagine: football players, CEOs, world bankers… the list goes on.

And yet… there she was… sitting in a quiet coffee shop sipping on a mocha latte with a friend who didn’t have any of these prestigious accolades to his name. So why was she out with him? Because he had something much more important.

I will discuss what this was a bit later; but for now, I’ll tell you what this girl did next. This hot girl spent most of the date talking about why she dumped some of the most powerful men in the country.

She was paying direct homage to what Chase has discussed all along on this site: which is that money does not equal dominance or a high skill level with women. Money will definitely help you draw women in (see: conspicuous consumption), and if they’re materialistic – it will help you keep them around. But, if they’re not particularly materialistic, and are looking for legitimate mate value in other ways, women will drop rich guys like sacks of potatoes. And that’s what happened to these unfortunate souls on this girl’s list (though, I’m sure most of them got over it).

So, before I start launching into what it is that the fairer sex does want, it’s important to understand what women don’t want, and make sure that you minimize and/or rid yourself of these qualities.

What women don’t want:

#1: Men Who Complain

men women want There is probably nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man who constantly complains.

It’s one thing if she’s been in a relationship with him for 3 months and he vents his frustration every so often. But a man who’s trying to seduce her? Tough luck.

And the bigger the complaint, the more it hurts your level of respect in her eyes.

You slipped on a puddle and are whining about how you stained your coat? Minus 1 point.

You constantly complain about how you can’t get a break in life, how you so desperately want to get ahead, and how the world is out to get you? Minus 20 points. And that means game over.

#2: Men Who Put Them on a Pedestal

The Internet age has done something very interesting for the modern Western woman. It’s given obiters and overly thirsty men the world over the ability to stroke her ego and try to “convince” her to sleep with them by telling her how beautiful she is, or how great they are as men… or by just liking all of her pictures on Facebook or Instagram.

The Internet age has created an absolute haven for women being put on a pedestal. Women know it. And women love it… in theory. They like the fact that they are getting the validation from these endless hordes of men, but they never actually want to sleep with them. “Ew, no,” she thinks. She wouldn’t sleep with any of them. BUT, they are sweet and the attention is nice.

The men she wants NEVER put her on a pedestal. What normal human being would want someone they actually respect and lust for treating them like some holy object not worthy of them? No one. But what most guys don’t understand is that for every cute or hot girl one hits on, there are thousands of men throughout her lifetime who have put her on a pedestal and foolishly chased after her. Literally thousands. So, what’s number 4301 to her? Nothing. 

She’s looking for the man who won’t do that.

You want to put her on a pedestal? Then that’s the only place you’ll be putting her.

#3: Men Who Don’t Have Any Friends

Women not only want men who are great lovers, but also men who are loved by many people – males and females alike. Of course you can do fine when you go out alone and talk to girls. But, if you take a girl to bed and start to spend more time with her, and she becomes increasingly aware of your social life to then discover that you don’t spend time with any other people… the alarms will go off in her head.

She’ll start to wonder whether there’s something wrong with you if she’s the only person spending time with you. This is probably the easiest trap to avoid, but I definitely know some men who have fallen into it. So, in case you need a primer on making friends, check these posts out on making guy friends, female friends, and just making friends in general.

#4: Neediness and Insecurity

If you’ve interacted with a decent number of girls, regardless of age, you’ve probably noticed that girls – particularly those who are more attractive – are very flakey. Their flakiness isn’t particularly malicious, but it is exacerbated by the high number of options that they have in terms of partners and lovers. And this fact DRIVES MEN CRAZY.

Have you ever had this feeling? You text a girl, she’s sending you smile faces and energetic responses… and then she just goes cold. You text her, she takes 12 hours respond. You text her a couple more times… and then she just stops responding altogether. It can drive you crazy if you really like her.

But here’s a secret: many girls use their flakiness as a screening tool. If a guy gets needy or is clearly insecure and starts trying to trap or chase her, the girl will just move on to the next one.

And it’s important to know that even if you successfully seduce a girl, you can still sabotage yourself by getting needy. If you sleep with a girl you really like and find yourself in a situation where you can’t stop thinking about her, that neediness will seep into all of your interactions, turn her off, and have her cut you off.

Similarly, women will shy away from guys who don’t believe in themselves and look to women for validation of their self-worths.

There are additional smaller traits that can hurt you with women, but this list covers the main four that will really get you in hot water unless you get them shored up.

And, now that we’ve covered what traits don’t want, let’s look at the qualities that women really value and look for in the men they do want.


men women want

Let me begin by saying that as we all know, no two women are exactly the same. However, there is certainly a foundation of qualities that all women – regardless of their more particular tastes – will value.

So here are the qualities women look for, in no particular order:

#1: Independence

A woman wants a strong man who can live his own life – even if he ends up in a relationship with her.

Men are born to be leaders. And as a leader, you must learn to rely on yourself and your own masculine abilities in order to be the rock in a woman’s life. They value a man’s ability to be self-reliant, mature, and have his life together without using other people as a crutch.

Women want men who are daring and adventurous: men who aren’t afraid to pack up and move halfway across the world at a moment’s notice.

#2: Confidence

When it comes to women of any level of attractiveness, you don’t have to be smart; you don’t have to be especially good looking; you don’t have to be rich; you don’t have to be cut… but you do need to be confident.

Remember my story from earlier of the friend who was out on a date with a perfect 10? This was the one factor that set him apart from all of the rich and pseudo-famous men that she had dumped in the past. Did some of these men of her past have confidence? Absolutely. Did all of them? Doubtful.

But, when I talk about confidence, I don’t just mean walking around with your chest puffed out and speaking loudly like some sort of Gaston. This kind of blind confidence does not equal success.

What I mean by confidence is having an assurance of who you are. My friend has never been afraid to be himself to the highest degree. He’s more comfortable in his own skin than many of the celebrities you see in magazines.

Additionally, he always:

He’s an eccentric, multi-cultural creative and he absolutely owns it. And this drives women wild. And that’s why he has this “perfect 10” – and many other girls that most guys would fantasize about – wrapped around his fingers.

Myself, I am a fun loving, deep conversation having, entrepreneur-dancer-philosopher-traveler-writer, and I absolutely own that. Does it work on every girl? Absolutely not. But why would I want it to?

What I don’t understand about beginners in the seduction game is their desire to attract every girl. They never want to get rejected or fail.

But do you really want to attract every girl? That means attracting:

  1. All of the crazies
  2. The drugged out heroin addicts
  3. The excessive party girls who have sex with any guy who is willing, etc.

Think about it!

And to a less extreme extent, if you’re a guy who’s into online gaming and paintball, do you really want a granola super-hippy who’s constantly trying to educate you about people’s “auras”? Do you want a girl who’s not your physical type? You may want to have sex with such a girl, but what’s more important is compatibility and sustainability.

The reason why guys want “every girl” to like them is because they really just want to be liked in general. They envision girls smiling and laughing at all the things they say; and they envision girls just generally validating them. But you can’t stake your validation on a girl. That’s an express ticket to a chase mentality. Furthermore, once you gain more experience, you’ll learn that a lot women who are attracted to you won’t validate you at all. They’ll just expect you to persist and push forward in order to seduce them.

So throw out that “every girl” nonsense. Me? I want to attract the girls who are excited by the things that I’m excited about.

And does my confident self-assurance work on these girls? You better believe it.

#3: Sexiness

This one should really go without saying, but a lot of men in the West are taught to contain their sexuality by the many cultural influences of our society.

But despite what the media may tell you, or what women themselves may tell you, women love sexy men. Women love men who aren’t afraid to show their lustful/sensual side and get a girl excited about the buildup to having sex.

men women want

So learn to be a sexy man and join the minority of men that women respect for knowing what women want.

#4: Social Adroitness

Women often complain about men who “don’t get it.” These men walk around fumbling their way through social interactions, and can’t pick up on the subtext that is always going on in a conversation with a female.

As such, women value men who are socially adroit: men who know how to listen, how to build comfort, and how to communicate with them on their terms.

#5: Purpose

One of the saddest occurrences in the world is not a man’s death, but a man living without purpose. The great paradox of the seduction game is the fact that the easiest way to get women is to make sure that they are never your top priority.

Should you approach women? Without question. Should you compliment and flirt with them? That goes without saying. Should you seduce them? Dumb question. But should you make them your number 1 priority? Never!

There are definitely some people in the seduction game who treat picking up girls like it’s their actual job.

Well, consider this: say you ran around for 2 years, approaching your little heart out, and then finally landed your dream girl. You date her for a year and then you end up marrying her. Then what? What is your life’s purpose now that you’ve landed the woman of your dreams?

Seducing women is not a life purpose. It’s a great boon to help you accomplish a greater goal on your one journey through this world.

  • Giving your time to rebuild impoverished communities is a purpose.
  • Creating art or music is a purpose.
  • Masterminding businesses is a purpose.
  • Leading a movement is a purpose.

Women look for guys who have a purpose because they want to build a life with someone who has greater aspirations that they can be a part of in some way. Maybe it’ll be joining you on the path to fulfilling your purpose; maybe it will be supporting you while she looks to you for support to fulfill her own. But either way, you’ll be hard pressed to find a quality woman if you don’t understand who you are and you aren’t trying to find out why you’re here. 

#6: Warmth

I know that there’s a belief among men that girls only go for guys who are assholes. But if you read the post that I just linked, Chase is specific in mentioning that you can’t be an asshole for no reason. Those are the kinds of people that everyone just loathes.

  • Being an asshole is just another way of saying that you’re in control. Whether he’s putting himself out there or drawing in a woman to put herself out there, the asshole is always in control in terms of what he gives out to other people.

  • That being said: someone who is in control and genuinely cares about others is considered warm. And warmth is what women truly want.

Women want a man who won’t be pushed around by other people, but will treat people with care and empathy – and that goes especially the lovers in his life. They want a man who knows how to connect with people, and they want a man they can tell their friends about to make them jealously swoon.

#7: Byronic

Women want men who are strong, confident and dominant, no doubt. But they also want their man to be vulnerable, empathetic and flawed. There’s an interesting article about how people who make mistakes are actually much more likeable: check it out here.

This is because as human beings, we can’t relate to perfection. So though we may admire people who seem to have everything going for them, we can’t actually connect with them. And if there’s anything you want to do with a girl, it’s connect with her in every sense. Women want to be able to peel away your layers and reveal a man that they understand fully.


Wrapping Up

It’s not especially difficult to avoid the pitfalls that put women off. And it’s also very manageable to embrace the qualities that women actually want. The men women want are:

  • Independent
  • Confident
  • Sexy
  • Sociable
  • On a mission
  • Warm
  • Byronic

Like anything in life, knowledge is power. If you understand what you’re aiming for and you know what you have to do to get there (i.e., read this site and go out there and get experience), then you’ll inevitably find success with time.

And hey, you might even find the girl of your dreams!

Carpe diem,


Colt WilliamsAbout the Author: Colt Williams

Raised in the American Midwest, Colt Williams made a name for himself in dating with a style based on soulful poetic seductions and playful dance floor antics. His style is all about inspiring girls and drawing them into one’s world. You can book phone coaching with him here, or get a copy of his guide to getting laid on Tinder, the product of months of study and experimentation by him on the medium.


Get Your FREE eBook on Texting Girls

how to text girls pdf

Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook "How to Text Girls" FREE. Learn more ...

Related Articles from


Petr's picture

Hi, Colt
Just wanted to ask you if this can be good topic to talk about with girls? I think if we talk about one of these qualities it is good if at the end she will think that she wants someone like that but also sees as as one of those who possess this kind of trait.
But overall, if I would get into a conversation with a girl about what the roles in society is for men and women and paint a picture from her point of view, would it be a good tool to make myself look like "I get it"? I am not really sure if I can direct conversation the way I described, so she sees me this way and not to potentially blow up in my face and assure her that I am just some regular guy. I talked about this once with one lady, how I think women have it harder but with one great benefit, that current social media provide them with all these men who like their photos and videos and wish them good luck and such things that it is almost impossible not to feel desired. Which is one of those things women want. So she told me that many other guys do not see it this way, so I said I am not like other guys and I guess she saw it too. But I realized how easy it is for women to lose respect for you, to just change her mind about you at the end with this girl.

I just wanted to ask if it is good topic for me to present myself as "not like the other guys".


Colt Williams's picture


I think that this is definitely a topic that you can discuss with women. I think that one of the best ways to go about it is to point out a guy on the street or on tv or in a restaurant or wherever and say "Look, let me tell you something about this guy. This is a regular guy who's probably going out, talking to women and thinking that they want X. It's really a shame. Because what a select few actually know is what women really want is..." And then launch into one of these points as you see fit. And if you really do it in a confident "I don't need your approval because I'm right" kind of way, it'll really show that you are a guy who "gets it." So certainly try it out!



Balla's picture

Hey Colt, do you think you can make an article on black guy game? Like good black guy game and bad black guy game? Thanks

Colt Williams's picture


First off you should read my post on black guys sleeping with white girls (which really applies to all girls) and if you still want me to do another one, let me know. Thanks!


Ray's picture

"One of the saddest occurrences in the world is not a man’s death, but a man living without purpose. The great paradox of the seduction game is the fact that the easiest way to get women is to make sure that they are never your top priority." - This explains why I used to have more attention from women when I was younger, more so than I do now. I was focusing on doing the things that I wanted to do and letting them come with me. They weren't the centre of my world. It's taken me a while to realise that and now I'm slowly trying to get that back.

Colt Williams's picture


I think not caring so much about women is so much easier when we're younger because we are constantly bombarded by activities and women are everywhere. But when you get older, you have less time and are under more pressure from society to get your act together and get on the road to marriage, so a lot of guys focus so much more on women. Also, freedom can be a killer as well. Adult men are really free to approach women whenever and wherever, but many think that society says that it's "not allowed" so they never learn to overcome their approach anxiety Then a select few choose to actively improve their skills and understand women -- a process by which a man inevitably changes as a human being, and starts to realize that he focus on his purpose more than simply getting another notch on his bedpost. You'll definitely get back there.

all the best,


mr rob's picture

I think you answered my last question about seduction being the top priority in life and I see how that fits in.

Cool how you subtly threw that in. Perhaps if I wasn't so socially adroit I would've missed it. ;)

Happy Holidays Amigo.


Colt Williams's picture

I am glad that I answered your question and I appreciate your social adroitness Rob! Happy New Year.


Anonymous's picture

Well, then how many friends is enough? I have 2 good friends and then couple of those from high school that I see like twice a year. And then some that I play sports with but not many that I would hang out with. I in college, I have friends in class, but my guess would be you mean to have established social circle so you have friends for parties, sports, trips, gym, those for "more serious situations". My cousine has all these girlfriends she hangs out with, school, basketball team, closest frieds and she basically cant stay home because she would get crazy. If I am introverted and not that social, is it really that bad?

Colt Williams's picture


There's absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted! All women care about is that you have at least *a couple* friends. It sounds like you have a couple really close friends and that you do a lot with your time, and that's really all that matters! Be you and live on my friend!


A's picture

Good stuff!

The 4 points about what women don't like. I think the same goes for men. At least for me:)
I just broke up with my girl. And come to think of it - why?

#1 I can't really blame her for constant complaints, but there were some every now and then. I guess it's normal. But... onto the next point.

#3 The Pedestal - she kept telling me how there was no other like me and how I was the sexiest and the smartest and she loved me even with my flaws. For a while it felt good because unlike hot chicks, men don't hear that one every day. But after a while it just lost its power. Just felt fake. Like she was trying to say that just to have me stick around for whatever she was planning with me. Logically there is always someone sexier and smarter than you. Plus it was her first long term relationship(3yrs) so it felt like she was not in a position to give even remotely objective assessment.

#3 No Friends - I still can't figure out how I missed that one. I mean she didn't have any friends that she could open up to and share her personal troubles and stuff like that. Not a single one. Just guys that she told me were her friends(haha:)). Orbiters really. They always give you that jelaous you-bastard-i-ve-been-white-knighting-her-for-ages-and-now-you-just-come-and-take-her look. I asked her about it few times and she just said that women are superficial and bitchy and gossiping creatures.

#4 Neediness - her levels of clingyness were from a different universe. Not funny.


Brian15's picture

I started reading this site a few months ago and it has definitely improved my confidence and understanding with girls. I still have yet to have a lot of success, but with more practice and time I know it will come.
Keep up the great advice!

Colt Williams's picture


With time and practice success is inevitable. That is a great attitude and thank you for your kinds words!


J's picture

Hey guys Merry Christmas, I got a quick question why are women constantly on their phones, i kno alot of them arent but i dont understand what could they be doing on there sometimes i get discoureged in trying to talk to them cause i dont have their full attention do you guys know some reasons on why girls appear on there phones. Thanks and Happy Holidays :)

Colt Williams's picture


A lot of women are in need of constant stimulation -- especially socially/emotionally. So they are usually texting their friends about guys or the random happenings of the day or how bored they are. And sometimes they're just playing Candy Crush.

So don't feel intimidated to approach a goal if she's looking at her phone. It's just a front -- trust me. And if you're actually out with her and she gets on it, just playfully call her on it. "Oh, I see I guess I'm not stimulating enough for you. I suppose I'll just go home." or sometimes I'll call a girl's phone while I'm with her and say "This is important, so I'd thought I'd call you so you'd really listen."

The point is to just have fun with it and realize that they're just on their phones because they have nothing better to do. Get after it!


Marty's picture

Hello Colt,

This is a great reminder, and very useful checklist, of seven important aspects of being a better man in general, as well as more attractive to women! Thank you.

I'd be the last person to wish to offer constructive feedback, but I wondered if you could go into a little more detail on #4? Unlike for the other six qualities, there are no cross-referencing links to articles, and your use of the phrase "get it" borders on glibness—who knows what informative treasures might lurk between those two short words? ☺

A brief description of the "subtext" you speak about would be immensely helpful!

Thanks again,

Drew's picture

This is by far the realist shxt I've ever read in the internet age. Thanks.

Colt Williams's picture

Haha what a high compliment Drew! Thank you sir.

Johnny 's picture

Can you give some examples of being comfortable in your own skin? To me it's sort of an abstract thing and I really want to hone this one.

-Thank you

Anonymous's picture

Hey Colt, i feel like you really nailed it on this article. I think you covered over many of my doubts and questions, and I am definitely going to be reading this frequently to get it programmed into my mind. So thanks for a great article!

Anonymous's picture

Create a great "cake of a life" and invite a really great woman to the the "icing." A healthy woman will want nothing more. An unhealthy woman will want you to be you her "cake."
Connect with guy friends,
Pursue your passions,
Lean into challenge.
Get strenuous exercise.

Anonymous's picture

Good stuff Colt!

Add new comment

The Latest from