How to Get Turned On and Beat Performance Anxiety with New Girls

In my previous article here, "You Really Should be Having Sex", about the importance of closing things out with women regularly, Wes comments:

Those ARE reasons enough for me to sleep with a girl who isn't completely amazing but still, HOW do you get turned on by these girls?

Back in June, I had two girls over on separate occasions. Both weren't amazing and I was doing it for the practice. The first girl, I couldn't even "get it up" and i fingered her until she was done and didn't want to go on anymore.

The second girl, I made out with at a pool party and quickly led it to her coming over. I wasn't attracted to her body at all. The only thing pretty was her face and she had nice hair and I couldn't see myself ripping her clothes off and having sex.

I ended up making an excuse for why she needed to leave instead of trying to escalate.

Don't get me wrong, I was telling myself the things you said above but, that doesn't get me hard.

I didn't want to be rude and tell the girls that they need to turn me on. They'd probably get offended. "So you're saying I don't turn you on?! You think I'm ugly?!"

During your years of taking women to bed who were anything but amazing, what personal tricks did you use to "get it up"?

performance anxiety

That's a very good question, and one I want to handle in a post targeting two dual and related reasons that men have for not finishing the last half-mile of the marathon and moving from physical escalation to full-on intercourse:

  1. Not being turned on, and

  2. Performance anxiety kicking in

Let's talk about both.

performance anxiety

There she was, rail-thin and beautiful, lying in my bed, her legs spread apart welcomingly, nothing but her shirt still on. I was completely naked, but limp as a wet noodle.

I struggled to get hard, or get the condom over my soft member, which I proceeded to insert into her anyway just to at least say I'd done it. But I couldn't firm up.

"You don't want me!" she cried plaintively.

"No, it's not you," I said; "this has been happening to me lately. It's something in my head... I've got to fix it."

She was beautiful, but young, inexperienced, and insecure about her body. She'd asked me to turn the lights off; I wondered what she was trying to hide. She refused to let me take her top off; was it because her breasts were so small (and they were) that if I got her top off I'd find out that they were non-existent and all I was seeing was her bra? What if she was actually a man?

These were ridiculous thoughts running through my head, but I'd just had my first encounter with a gang of transsexuals not long before, and I was on high-alert for any indications a woman might not be who she said she was. In all honesty, there was no possibility that this girl was anything other than 100% woman, but all my mind could think about were these unusual requests to turn the lights off and leave her shirt on, and then, after that, my utter inability to get it up and give her a good time.

Mentally, I was stuck.

Sex is Not a Logical Choice

It is, rather, an emotional one.

Before most women will sleep with you, you must get them turned on. This is why creating sexual tension and knowing how to turn a girl on are such crucial elements of getting girls in bed. If you can't make her feel it, she ain't going to do it.

And when you yourself are already very good with women, arousal is never much of a problem for you, either. That's because:

  • You're running your seductions on autopilot
  • You're constantly there in the moment... present
  • You're enjoying whatever it is you find enjoyable about her
  • You're viewing her not as a person to talk to but as a sex object to act upon
  • You KNOW you're going to make her orgasm to high heaven (or, alternately, you don't care what she thinks)

... and you just perform.

No performance anxiety.

No wondering how to get turned on.

No fretting and fussing about your soldier not standing at attention; he is AT attention.

Even if this girl isn't your dream girl, or the connection that you feel with her is close to zero... that doesn't matter.

Because right now, here in this moment, there is only you and her, and both of you are in full-on carnal hedonist modes, you ready to tear into her body, and her ready to be torn into.

Except, when you are not quite so well-versed with women and with not quite so much sexual experience under your belt, this carefree sexual hedonism is frequently as far from you as a thing can be.

Performance Anxiety and Lack of Arousal

There are two core reasons why men cannot get hard or perform:

  • They're worried about their sexual performances (performance anxiety)
  • They're simply not turned on by the girl (lack of arousal)

performance anxiety

... and that's not to say anything bad about the girl herself.

During that several month-long stretch I had when I struggled with repeatedly choking at the moment of truth with a number of different women, some of those women were drop-dead gorgeous, with incredible bodies, and were sexy as hell.

I really beat myself up about losing a couple of those girls back then.

So, it CAN be that she really isn't your type and you're just going through the motions... but it ALSO can be that you would LOVE to be inside her and giving her an amazing sexual experience, but you're simply psyching yourself out. And, it can be as well that you're not (yet) psyching yourself out, and she really is the kind of woman you'd ordinary love to be with, but you're so out of your element that you simply aren't in a sexual state of mind.

When I was going through this myself, I sat down and analyzed what was happening in my head that was causing me to fail to be able to get it up for these girls, and I discovered the following things:

  1. Too much calculation, not enough feeling. My inability to get turned on and stricken-ness with performance anxiety hit right when I began to regularly pull women home, often in unexpected, unusual, or difficult-to-pull-off situations. These were the kind of lays that most guys would brag for a lifetime about - the stunner with zero interest in me I'd managed to finesse back into bed; the ultra-sexy girl I'd picked up in tandem with a mentor of mine picking up her friend, and the four of us heading back to another friend's apartment - unusual logistics for me at the time - and me having the pressure of needing to make sure I laid my girl in the bedroom so my friend would have time to lay his on the couch; the girl I'd just pulled off a crazy turnaround with, whom I'd very nearly lost.

    My mind was working a mile a minute, thinking about my escalations, about breaking last minute resistance to sex, about handling all the variables to get to sex, and even reviewing the night's events... and not thinking about physical pleasure one iota. I simply wasn't into it emotionally. And you can't plan or calculate your way to an erection (or, at least I couldn't, though I've since gained a bit more conscious control over this).

  2. Focusing on the wrong things. Another thing I realized I was doing was focusing on all the wrong things with the women I had in my bed, instead of the right ones. That pretty girl with her top on and the lights off? I was thinking about her short-cropped hair (boyish and unsexy); her tiny breasts; how weird it was that she wanted the light off (she was probably just self-conscious). Forget the fact that she was beautiful, or bottom-less and with a very wet and very welcoming place for me to be; I was too busy thinking about those things I didn't like to pay much mind to those things I did.

  3. Building up the pressure. After a little time spent calculating and focusing on the wrong things, suddenly I'd begin feeling a mountain of pressure forming on my shoulders. I've been limp and naked for something like 10 minutes now! I'd realize. She's going to think I'm an impotent putz and LEAVE in DISGUST! I HAVE to get hard, RIGHT NOW!

    And as soon as those thoughts started, my goose was cooked; now I was never going to get hard, because instead of thinking about sex, physical pleasure, and drinking in and enjoying this comely, receptive young woman lying here waiting for me, all I was thinking about was how angry or annoyed she was going to be, or how disappointed, or how terrible the end of this night was going to be. Not exactly where you want your mind to be when you're trying to summon up an erection.

I realized that the answer to this was very much in my control, and I could tackle correcting the crippling mindset deficiencies that were causing me to lose women and lays the same way I'd tackled depression: first, by breaking the obsessive thought cycles my brain was slipping into, and second, by replacing them with something far more constructive.

I needed to get myself to stop thinking calculations, flaws, and pressure, and start getting myself excited, instead.

performance anxiety

My idea of the ideal sexual man - my impression of the kind of man women die for, and men hold the greatest amounts of envy for - has always been of a man who:

  • Is raw, primal, and animalistic in his sexual passion and fervor
  • Is unthinking, yet sensual, warm, yet relentless in his approach to sex
  • Is a ceaseless dominator, piercer, penetrator of an individual; a conqueror of women

A man like that does not struggle with performance anxiety or wonder how to get turned on.

If anything, he struggles to not be so turned on all the time, and aroused at the mere presence of women nearby.

I was not yet a man like this... but if I wanted to get to where I wanted and needed to get to with women, I had to become this man.

But how, pray tell, could I do that?

Hail the Conquering Hero

I put together my strategy for transforming myself from cold, calculating, flaw-finding, anxiety-ridden me into warm, emotive, perfection-finding, arousal-bursting me just in time, for I soon found myself on a date with a beautiful girl - pretty face, tiny waist, great big breasts, an amazing rear end, and hair so long it touched that rear end - and within a few hours had led her down to the beach for my first attempt at having sex without a bed on a first date.

If the strange sex logistics were not enough to psyche me out, add to that the fact that this one had gone way faster than I'd planned for it to... and now, there were people watching us. Couples, kissing near us and watching us escalate.

This was weird.

Needless to say, I soon had my girl on her hands and knees on the towel, dress rolled up onto her back, panties removed and to the side, hindquarters in the air and the set of lips between her thighs dripping and ready to receive me.

My pants were around my ankles... and I was completely limp.

However, I was determined to not let this one get away. I was going to beat this, this time. I was going to get hard, go in, and give both her and me a night to remember.

performance anxiety

So I did.

A few moments later, I was hard enough for entry - and once I was inside her, I was stiff as a log, and thrusting hard.

We went a few rounds on the shores that night, and gave our voyeurs quite a show.

I never had any difficulties with performance anxiety or lack of arousal ever again after that, and it's been over half a decade since then.

How to Get Turned On

I'm going to arm you with all the tools I equipped myself for getting turned on at will, and stripping myself of performance anxiety. I've found these quite effective, and while it isn't a subject I speak on a great amount, the men I've spoken with who've been struggling with arousal / anxiety whom I've shared these techniques with have reported that this cures it.

You can probably guess most of them from what we talked about earlier as the reasons for lack of arousal and/or performance anxiety kicking in, as these are their opposites. I also have a few more secrets in store for you, though you may or may not want to use them...

  1. Quit calculating and focus on sensation. Once you have her clothes off, and your clothes off, and she is ready to receive you, it's time to stop calculating. Now, you can't will yourself to turn off your planning mindset; the brain doesn't process "can't", and if you're thinking about planning - whether you're thinking you WANT to plan, or you DON'T want to plan - you're going to think about planning. So instead, you must think about feeling and sensing - drink her skin in. Feel the curves of her body. Examine the mounds of her breasts. Run your fingers over her erect nipples, tightened with excitement for you. Draw the underside of your penis across her wet vagina and feel how good that feels. Keep sensing her, with your body - with your eyes, with your ears, with your flesh. Feel her flesh with your flesh. Focus all your energy on drinking in this woman before you, and getting your hands, member, and all the rest of your body all over her, doing whatever you want, touching her wherever you want.

  2. Focus on things you like. If you notice you're worried about her breasts are too small, or her love handles are too big, or she's too thin and skeleton-like, or she has a mole here or a scar there or a pimple the other place... immediately force yourself to zero in on the things about her you enjoy. There are many parts to a woman's body - zero in on the parts you find attractive about her, and you will soon forget the parts you do not.

  3. Release the pressure. Performance anxiety kicks in when you suddenly feel the need to perform, as though each passing minute that goes by without you getting it up leads to you being judged more harshly. Release this from yourself by giving yourself permission to take as LONG as you need. She's naked, heaving with emotion, gushing wet for you... she's not going anywhere. She'll lie there in bed waiting for you for two hours if it takes you that long to get hard. Remind yourself of this; tell yourself you can take as long as you like to to just run your limp penis over her body and touch her and experience her... only once you're firm and hard will you plunge yourself into her, and you can take as long as you want to do that (you really can).

  4. Have her "get you ready." On occasion, if I am really in my head for whatever reason, I will ask a girl to "get me ready", and guide her head down to have her perform oral sex on me until I'm hard. I've heard that some guys feel weird about asking a girl to give them oral when their penises are limp; I wouldn't worry about this. I also see guys asking, "How do I get her to give me oral?" Well, trust me - if you've done a good job getting her naked and horny enough that she desperately wants you in her, she's going to do whatever it takes to get you hard to go in her, and if you're limp and asking her to "get you ready", she understands what you're asking her to do. I don't have to do this that often, but I haven't had a girl refuse yet (sometimes they'll complain about not getting oral back, but that's neither here nor there).

... and there's one more tip you can use, though it's going to come down to how finicky you are about protection and how inexperienced / clean (or not) you think a particular girl is:

  1. Go in raw. Obviously, if a girl is more sexually experienced and confident, you'll usually want to avoid this one to avoid any outsized risks. However, if she's relatively inexperienced (only a handful of partners; a serial monogamist who dates mostly nice / good guys who are themselves serial monogamists), she's usually going to be clean, and thus low risk. If you're worried about diseases, you won't want to do this one; however, if you're only worried about precum / ejaculation / pregnancy, you can do this long enough to get hard (and you will get hard once your naked penis is inside a soft, wet, naked vagina), then pull out and put protection on before proceeding.

That last one you want to be careful with, and may choose to abstain from altogether if you're especially cautious. You won't actually need it - the first three options together are enough to nuke any lack of arousal or performance anxiety you have the majority of the time, and #4 gets the job done in a pinch.

Stick with the first 3 or 4 on this list, and you'll never have to worry about your trouser snake asleep on the job again.

Freedom to Get Hard

The more sexually experienced you become, the more you free up your mind from having to calculate and plan how to go through all the steps to get to sex and the more this becomes an automated process - allowing your brain to focus on more important things, like the enjoyment of the moment, and that cute girl you're sharing it with.

You see, the image of the raw, primal, sexual man conquering lusty females is based on the image of a man who already is so sexually experienced that he's able to effortlessly move through his seduction without a conscious thought, immersed fully in the experience of it instead.

To get to that point, you must have experience - you must have slept with a certain number of women, and you must have experienced sex in the different kinds of situations that might otherwise freak you out and cause you to lose focus, break immersion, and fail to perform - this can be things like in a room with other people in it, in a bathroom, in public, or in a car. If you can, try to work up to these - and it can help too if you have a girlfriend who's into experimentation you can try new sex logistics with, because then you can remove half of the pressure ("Can I satisfy this new girl?") and get accustomed to sex in that environment without this.

Ultimately, remember that it's all about immersion, and switching your focus from "what I've done today" or "what I must do next" to "what I'm feeling and seeing and tasting and touching right NOW." Immerse yourself in her; absorb her body and flesh with all of your senses; get your skin against her skin, rubbing and touching and moving; and you will be hard, excited, and turned on, ready for entry, before you even realize it.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Gonzaleth's picture

Hi Chase,

In regards to #5 you mentioned about going it raw, if you know the girl has multiple partners, would you even kiss her (and risk exchanging saliva?) or will you avoid it?

I am just a little paranoid. What is a good reason to use if a girl asks why I avoid kissing her mouth to mouth?


Franco's picture

That's a bit much, Gonzaleth.

Unless you actually notice warts or cold sores (or other red flags) directly on her mouth, I would dismiss any thoughts of not wanting to kiss women. This will seriously hinder your game and prevent you from executing when you need to.

It's okay to practice safety and protection, but if you become too cautious, you'll find that you won't make any progress with women at all because you'll be nervous with progressing forward. Women can smell nervousness a mile away, and when they do, it's usually a red flag for them to not move forward with that guy. It's unfortunate that we have to deal with transmitted diseases in this world in the first place, but don't let it stop you from having success with women. Don't overthink it!

- Franco

Chase Amante's picture


Your call here, although if you're comfortable enough to sleep with her, I probably wouldn't be too squeamish about kissing her.

However, if you just don't like kissing all that much in general, you can often skip it; or, if she goes to kiss you, just give her a closed-mouth peck on the lips back, or just turn her head and kiss her neck.


Wes's picture

Well, that pretty much answered everything. No more questions from me!

Chase Amante's picture

Glad to hear it, Wes :)


Danny's picture

Dear Chase,

when I try to excite her, should I use one finger or two fingers? Should I use my tongue as well? should I use my finger and my tongue simultaneously?

please help!

Thank you very much

Chase Amante's picture


Try whatever you like, and settle on what you find is getting the best reaction from her. During manual stimulation, you might want to use all four fingers, as one alone will get pretty tired. If you're massaging her g-spot from the interior and/or working toward giving her a squirting orgasm, start with one or two, depending on how tight she is, and slip in more fingers as you can.

Fingers and tongue can be a nice combination, too.


Alek Rolstad's picture

Also... simple fact.... but not mentioned in the post.

If you have problems getting it up... you should stop drinking, or least limit it to a minimum when meeting women.

And don't be stupid like me... stop the whysky drinking.


Chase Amante's picture

Good point, Alek. There's a reason they call it "whisky dick"!


jamjamjam's picture

Hey Chase,

I almost never go down on a girl, but always have them give my bj's, before and in the middle of sex, and also at other times like in the car.

I've gone down on one girl, once, in the last 10 girls I've slept with. Only one has indicated she'd like me to try it but didn't push it, and the others never mentioned it. The last two girls I've dated I've had them addicted to sex with me by giving them better experiences than they've had, and, it seems, blowing their minds a little, so maybe that's why I've had no complaints.

I did have a bad experience going on a girl once, and I don't like the idea that I'm putting her in the dominant position by going down on her.

So my question is, is that bad? For me or for her? Am I putting myself in a bad position by allowing another guy who will do this for her, the ability to take her aware from me?

What do you think about remaining dominant while going down on a girl, can it be done?

And, is this normal, are there other guys who never go down on girls, and what are their reasons for this?

That's a few questions, be cool to hear your thoughts on it.

Thanks man


Chase Amante's picture


I think it's a cultural thing - I notice a lot of white guys love going down on women, while a lot of black guys view it as an insult to their manhood, for instance, though it varies from individual. I'll do it very occasionally for a girl I'm seeing in a relationship, if she asks for it specifically, and if she does what I ask her to first (shave, shower, etc.), because, as I'll tell her, I don't want little hairs in my mouth, and I don't want a bad taste on my tongue. But if she wants it and will get herself ready, I don't have a problem doing that for her so long as it isn't too frequent (main objection is the amount of time it adds to sex... time I could be spending on something more productive - I can give her much more powerful orgasms a whole lot faster with pure penetration).

I won't do cunnilingus with randoms or one-night stands, simply because no matter what she says I don't know where she's been, and I am a little OCD... the idea of another man's sperm slipping into my mouth just irks me. On the other hand, I've had pals who just LOVED to get their mouths on vaginas, and would do it with damn near any girl... I had a friend who slept with a prostitute, in a Tijuana brothel (so you know she's putting in 8-hour shifts), and he 69'ed her. Different folks, different strokes.

So long as you're giving her cunnilingus on your terms, and/or you passionately enjoy giving it, you're fine if you give it. e.g., I don't think a man who grabs a woman and shoves her legs apart and plunges his face into her nethers, tongue wagging furiously, licking with passionate, reckless abandon, can possibly be thought of as "unmanly" so long as he finishes up the session with some strong, thrusting penetrative sex and climaxes inside her.

Just enjoy it and/or do it on your terms, and finish it up with good sex, and you'll be fine.

As far as losing women to men who will give them this when you will not - the only way I can imagine this happening is if the man is giving them better orgasms from cunnilingus (or cunnilingus + sex) than you are from sex alone.


lucifer's picture

Hey Chase,

Makes sense, just wanted to note though that are a number of girls whom have never actually reached vaginal orgasm.
Whether or not they actually can depends on the single girls, but I guess that for a few of them it would be extremely elusive and would be much easier and quicker with these girls to give orgasm via oral sex.

Jimbo's picture

Dude, let me tell you, I've gone down on every single girl I've ever either banged or was blown by. One-night stand, LTR, doesn't matter, I love eating poon out and never miss a chance to do it like a thirsty jackal. Yeah I know, it's not very dominant whatever blablabla, but kind of like listening to The Backstreet Boys, it's one of those thing that even though you know isn't the most macho thing on earth, it's just too good to keep yourself from indulging in. And you can always regain your dominance by pounding her like a beast afterwards anyway, so... suck on bro!

danny's picture

Hey Chase,
I finally started using sexual frames in my interactions with girls and they go well for me, most of the time. I find that some girls don't understand it. Whether I'm being too subtle or they're feigning ignorance I'm not sure. How would you tackle this?

Chase Amante's picture


You could be being too subtle, but if most women are responding well, it's probably not that. There are some women who are just too inexperienced (look for very young women from very conservative backgrounds) to respond to these; but, there are also more experienced women who simply recognize what you're doing and are of firm mind about what this is ("a proper courtship") and where this is going ("he's going to date me, and prove his value of a mate to me, and if I accept, at some point in the distant future, MAYBE we will have sex"), and will ignore chase frames, since that's the only way to deal with them without either escalating the sexuality in the conversation or blowing you out. e.g., I've had both gay men and unattractive women use chase frames and sexual frames on me, and simply ignore these when this happens... it's too much of a distraction (and not very useful) to call them out socially, and when you ignore these, they usually aren't repeated.

Generally, if she's ignoring a chase frame, she isn't attracted to you on a visceral (sexual) level. That's usually good reason to move on quickly from there (unless she's very young, inexperienced, and conservative, in which case you can probably throw her a bone - no sexual frame intended!).


Wolf's picture

I wanted to know how can I get past the Hi stage? What I mean is ill say hi how are you and stuff but I can't seem to get past it because what I feel I will say will be to aggressive, this is how it goes, I say hi then how's your day, then a compliment maybe, I just want to get past that stage and jump on her asking for her number. I really can't do all the dialog right now, I just want to say hi, compliment, are you single, let's go out, get number, then date. That's pretty much how I want the process to go down.

1.My question is how can I transition past the greeting and get straight to the point because I'm not at a comfortable level yet to greet and have a conversation, I want to make this pick up short and sweet, im not talk a little then ask, im just greet and get the number.

2.How do I also get more comfortable to have conversations with girls, I know you'll say keep pushing your self but, im way too uncomfortable and nervous to do it. What do you recommend?

3. What are the best and most reliable condoms you use?

4. What's almost 100% way of not getting a girl pregnant and not getting stds?
I know condoms help but they don't stop everything.
Thank you chase.

leerix's picture

For your first two questions I probably think u av a different version of approach anxiety. U've worked urself up enough to 'approach the girl' but your brain is doing a lil too much calculation on what to say. This kind of increases ur heart rate ( this happened to me too on mz first street approach but with constant practice it was gone). So I'll suggest u start with something in the now, like 'how's ur day going?' 'Anything intresting? (This should be sort of rhetorical though). then ask her what she does. All in all I might av to refer u to the article 'HOW to be a great conversationalist'. 2 reads then few practices then re reading it should put u in a comfort zone.

And to chase,
This site has really turned around my mentality and total approach to things not only pick ups but how I see the world in general now. Its become like a daily medication. Can't go a day without visiting this site. More power to ur elbow.
Leerix from Nigeria.( And I don't think a lot of nigerians know about this site ;) )

Chase Amante's picture


You CAN skip conversation, but then you're really into hit-or-miss territory (and it'll usually be miss). That's when you're looking for just pure, RAW attraction that is just THERE because she finds you so appealing that it doesn't matter if you're not going to take time to show her that you're cool, and normal, and not some crazy person, and it also doesn't matter to her that you're asking for her phone number without knowing ANYTHING about her (which is usually going to communicate that you're just looking for anyone's number, and are probably desperate / not very good with women / not all that attractive a mate). You might try something like the two minute number close (see "How to Get a Phone Number from a Girl Every Time You Ask" and Ctrl+F for "two minute number close"), but you'll need some tight fundamentals and to legitimately be in a hurry to use this effectively, usually.

Long run, there's really no substitute for being able to stop and talk to a girl, and the best way to learn how to do this is to just do it until it stops feeling weird and you start knowing what to do. See "Conversation Example" for an example of how to kick off a new conversation. To get more comfortable with conversations in general, start talking to EVERYBODY. Talk to cashiers; talk to waitresses; talk to people in line. Men, women, young, old, rich, poor, black, white, Asian, Latin, Eskimo, gay, straight, wheelchair-bound, muscle-head, roughneck, computer nerd... everybody. Before you know it, striking up a new conversation with a girl you've just met is going to start seeming rather trivial.

Condoms - I used Pleasure Plus for a while back in the day, but had problems with them slipping off or sometimes not even unrolling right. Lifestyles performed better, but still had some issues with slippage. These days I'm almost exclusively a Trojan Magnums guy, and have yet to have one slip off or give me any difficulties.

For not getting a girl pregnant, right now, the only one in your control is getting your tubes snipped, but you can also carry around morning after pills and have a girl take one if you slip up.

For STDs, see this comment.


Ramon's picture

Chase, thank you for another amazing article. I can really get into a sexual trance with this advice.

I'm sure this has come up before, but could you do an article on premature ejaculation? I used to have the opposite problem--inability to ejaculate during sex--and in the last month, it's been the exact opposite: ejaculating within 1-2 minutes. Could this be due to anxiety/fear of sex? Should I talk about this openly with my long-term partner so it's "not a big deal" anymore?

Chase Amante's picture


Yep - I have it on the article queue.

You can talk to her about it - just tell her, "Hey, sorry if I've been a little disappointing in bed lately; I keep thinking about ejaculation during sex, and as soon as I think about it, it happens; it's like a death spiral of sexual disappointment, but I'm working on it. Could use your help to knock it off, too," and when she asks how she can help, tell her you'd like to have sex with the TV on, and ask her to remind you to do this and tell you to focus on what's going on in the TV show to get you to last longer and not think about ejaculation so much. Basically, just involve her in training yourself to quit thinking about ejaculation during sex.

Once you've got that down, you can switch off the TV and focus on doing this purely internally in your head.


Drake's picture

Hey chase,
I actually wanted to ask a question since I read-"Sprezzatura, Effort, and Investing" but didn't get much time. 1st of all I really like your chart showing position on the base of efforts and returns (i.e King, Peasant, Unknown and Jester). Without any doubt we have to be "king" (Low efforts and high returns) but in order to make girls chase on what position among above (King, Peasant, Unknown and Jester) you think we should put them on? (Obviously we can't let them be "King/Queen" type) And I would be thankful if you can explain it in detail.
Thanks in advance
-Black Mystery

Chase Amante's picture


Anywhere on the top rank is fine for the girl. So long as she's investing more in you than you are in her, it's okay for her to be either a Peasant or a King.

If she's Unknown, she's not going to be doing anything, and if she's a Jester, you're going to come to find her annoying pretty quickly, as she chases you down too hard and overinvests for just a little of your time or energy.

As a Peasant, you'll respect her, and as a King, you'll find her every bit as alluring and mysterious as she finds you.

Do bear in mind that you can't really control her position - her position is mostly down to her, just as yours is down to you. You can sometimes bump a girl down to a lower rank through guile and ploys, but this doesn't really serve any purpose besides make her chase you harder than you probably need her to, and eventually usually sending her into auto-rejection. Best just to let her be how she wants to be, make sure she's a bit more invested than you are, and pick women who aren't socially uncalibrated Unknowns or "trying too hard" Jesters.


V's picture

Hey chase, I Wanted to know a few things.
1. How do you move with a girl that isn't really in your circle, I know her from activities I use to do, but she left from there and I see her now from time to time.
We never hung out and we only talk when I seen her. She knows nothing about me and I know a little about her, she also has a boyfriend. The only time she mentioned him was to her friends and I over heard.

I wanted to know do I date compress with her since we knew each other for a little while or go straight for the kill in one date?

2. Does it really matter what you say? I was talking to this girl at a bar and asked her what was she drinking and she told me and we talked for a lil, I just want to know does it matter what is said because I feel like what I say is lame and boring, so I end up not saying anything.

3. On awkward pauses, what should I do when it's an awkward pause and we both have nothing to say? I know you say pauses are good and that you shouldnt jump on her with endless Convo. But my Convo died and she left, so what should I do?

4. A girl got a little bit of her drink on me and she was rubbing my arm on where it spilled. Just wanted to know was it hidden interest or just being nice or even both?

Thank you!!!

Chase Amante's picture


On the vaguely social circle girl you've known for a long time - it gets kind of weird in social circle over larger chunks of time if you didn't built a flirty / sexy vibe at the outset, but then want to try to make something happen later on. The best thing I can say to do there is ask her to hang out with you sometime, and if she says yes, loosely plan the date to be one you'll pull her home on - if she has a boyfriend, you usually do NOT want to compete for the boyfriend role.

What you say matters, but not a huge amount, usually. If you ask her what she's drinking and it's lame, but the rest of the conversation is good, it's cool. Focus on getting more and more experience talking to women; better to say something lame than nothing at all. Eventually you quit saying lame things all that often (they'll still sneak in there from time to time anyway).

On an awkward pause, if a girl LEAVES, it's either because she wasn't interested in the first place, or because she was, but you missed an escalation window and it got awkward for her, so she left to save face. If you're not sure what to say, try to move her and see if she'll move things forward with you. If she says no, well, it probably wasn't going anywhere anyway, so she's just saved you some time.

The arm rubbing - yeah, hard to say. That's one where you've really got to feel her out and how she was doing it. If she was looking at you and smiling as she did it, probably.


Wolf's picture

What should I think about when I see a beautiful girl? How do I not put her on a pedestal or feel I have to have this n that to get her?

I don't even think of these girls as human beings sometimes, what I mean is that I think they're all superficial and conceded. That they don't want a dude unless he has status, fame, money, not that he genuinely cares for her. Are there a lot of girl that are not like a gold digger, but just a pretty girl who's normal.

Thanks Chase

Chase Amante's picture


Read this article:

Women on Pedestals

... then, this one:

How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?


Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, few questions for you,

In the comment section of another recent article you stated that when you are involved in relationship you tend to only see the girl once or twice and week, have her come over, chat a bit and then have sex.

1) My question is, what are your thoughts about a girl moving in with you? I mean let's face it, when a relationship gets really serious and you have been seeing a girl for a while, that question of living together will eventually come about. How do you go about dealing with this Chase?

2) When it comes to displaying sexiness and setting that sexy aura
about yourself, is this one of those things that you want to
show and perhaps tone down or up in accordance to the girl that you are speaking too. I mean it's all about efficiency really isn't it, when it comes to pickup. We want to achieve results the most efficient way possible. Is it sometimes the case, particularly if your already a naturally good looking guy that pumping up your sexiness too high etc will result in less efficient results as it goes against the idea of relateability and attainability.

Is it sometimes more efficient to actually show a side to yourself that goes against the grain of sexiness and opens you up.

I guess my question is, should you maintain 100% sexy fundamentals whilst creating attainability and relateability by the things you say to a girl and the interest you show.

OR should you create that relateability and attainability by 'dumbing down' your sexy fundamentals so that a girl can view you as sexy, but attainible and within her grasp from when she first sees you.

3). Do you believe that a society can contain a mixture of the good ideals from both a matriarchal way of life and a parcichal(sp) way of thinking. I mean in my mind the best society is a balanced one. One where individuals needs are looked after and cherished but not at the expense of a balanced amount of work and understanding when it comes to the importance of industry and driving the species forward. Can we not have a society where people are equal and friendly with one another and have a very healthy balanced work/life relationship but also appreciate the need to not stagnate and live off past success. That seems to be the best way for a human society to live for me. We wouldn't be robots but at the same time we wouldn't just sit around doing nothing.

4) Any good music for sex? And what are your thoughts on music during sex. I know Peter? I think touched on this topic but was wondering if you have any other good groups/songs that are good for sex.


Chase Amante's picture


On moving in, we had a member ask about this recently on the boards - I've promised to get an article up on it at some point, but in the meantime, here are my thoughts: "Re: possible article? Living with GF."

On sexiness, I don't see this as one to ever tone down, unless the girl views herself as too far above you, in fact. Sexiness is an attainability booster - if she smells sex on you (metaphorically speaking), and you're looking at her with those big, limpid pools that are your eyes, she's going to feel very excited that a man as powerful and attractive as you is as sexually interested in her as you apparently are. Only if she views herself as superior to you do you want to tone this down (at least, until you can challenge her enough that she is then in need of a dose of attainability from you... which you can easily deliver with your sexiness).

On society - sure; all societies are really some mix of matriarchal and patriarchal values. There have been very few PURE matriarchal societies in history, where everyone is completely egalitarian and all resources are immediately redistributed with zero bias among all members as soon as they come in or are produced, just like there have been very few pure patriarchal societies, where women are treated completely like property and no government aid is given to any group or individual, and laws are kept to the bare minimum to maintain order and avoid anarchy. And when there are societies like these, they usually don't long last; overly patriarchal societies are prone to rebellions, while overly matriarchal societies are prone to getting rolled by outsiders or made authoritarian by charismatic leaders. All sufficiently functional societies are some mix of the two extremes, usually leaning slightly matriarchal or slightly patriarchal, but hovering somewhere about the center.

Sex and music - for setting the mood, music definitely helps, and it can also create an immersive environment for sex that allows a girl to more fully enmesh herself in the moment (frequently leading to greater extremes of pleasure)... at least, so long as she doesn't get too used to the songs, to the point where it's more routine than immersive. I don't use music a whole lot these days, though when I went through my music & sex phase, my playlist was mostly Sade and Thievery Corporation - between these two, there are plenty of great soulful ambient tunes that put women in the mood and set a nice tempo for your activities between the sheets.


Anonymous's picture

Hey, If you "messed up" and did not get it up the first time you hooked up with a girl, how does girls normally react to this? and what are the chances of a second try with the same girl?

Ironman without his suit's picture

I was a person in a steady relationship with this girl during college and was always horny as hell, mostly banging her till she fell asleep. Could sustain erections for long periods and near perfect ejaculation control. Life was good.

Then a couple of months back, this friend of my friend, this incredibly hot dame who was WAY out of my league had this sudden liking for me and proposed a one night stand. I agreed (who wouldnt) , and she came home that night. Things got heated up and as she sat on my bed, stripping her top off....revealing a body that could only be sculpted by God himself, i suddenly realised i wasnt hard. Worse, the entire night i just couldnt get it up....i kind off made up for it with the most intensive fingering routine that ive ever done in my life...but..heck i just wanted to kill myself. But assuming it was due to the hangover, and one off thing...i left it.

Then lately when she had to stay in my city for a month for some work, she stayed with me. One whole month she slept with me, the most gorgeous chick on earth sleeping next to me on my bed. One whole month of waking up to this naked dame, with a body so curvy, hair so silky and face so perfect, that you could have an orgasm just by looking at her. One whole month of my penis letting me down. During the first week it was the worst, it was so absolutely limp i was highly considering trying make it hard by punching it (the possible swelling). By the third week it got somewhat functional, but it always goes back limp in between trying different positions. She felt so bad during the first week, thought it was because i didnt find her hot. With a combination of shagging, mental stimulation and prayers i made it till the month end with a little bit of integrity. But man, the amount of sex i missed due to this is just unimaginable. I ended up cuddling when i really shouldve been banging her brains out.

Sigh. I was scouring the net for solutions when this came up. Thank you man, this helps a lot. It was the "pressure" that was my primary problem. Its so inspiring that you came out of it. I had written off all future one nighters due to this, thought i had some issue where i could only get turned on while in a relationship.

Again, Thanks man. This is SO relieving.

Anonymous's picture

I find it interesting that you were taking the girl from behind when you fixed the problem. I think doggystyle helps a lot with this sort of problem because of both the ease of entry, and the fact your partner isnt looking at you. Kind of like how it's harder to take a piss when someone's watching you do it and a lot of guys, myself included, freeze up at the urinals. Yes I realise this is super late to comment on this article, but it may be useful to someone out there.

Anonymous's picture

Firstly good article, think it has helped me alot
So when i am going down on her and she is enjoying it i start to get hard and when i have finished with her forplay she then turns to me to do the same, this is where i have problems of staying hard.
Can you help?

Bic Mitchem's picture

Again, you have to relax and focus on the sensation and pleasure. Don't allow your mind to get distracted on things that will turn you off (like your nervousness, wondering if your region smells, or thinking about any other subject than sex with her). If focusing on your own pleasure doesn't work think about how good her pussy tasted or smelled, or hearing her moans of pleasure.Then try to tune in to your own pleasure. Try lightly caressing her hair and upper back, mainly try to relax, breathe and be in the moment. If you still have trouble use the 69 position (since eating out seems to work for you). Don't create pressure, and if all else fails reassure her it all feels great (convincingly) even if you are going soft. You might even think about doing something more taboo with her, like anal, to stay or get turned on. I would avoid fantasizing about porn or other girls as that can backfire if you can't stay in the fantasy.

gavin's picture

When I'm alone with a girl well start hooking up and I'll be stiff as a rock but when it comes to us about to do stuff and she start going down on me I start getting nervous and it kills the hard on idk if its cause I'm thinking to much or what. And at other time I can't get it up at all and I feel so embarrassed you got Any tips pls, I'm gonna be getting with this girls tonight and I don't want this to happen again

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