In my previous article here, "You Really Should be Having Sex", about the importance of closing things out with women regularly, Wes comments:
“Those ARE reasons enough for me to sleep with a girl who isn't completely amazing but still, HOW do you get turned on by these girls?
Back in June, I had two girls over on separate occasions. Both weren't amazing and I was doing it for the practice. The first girl, I couldn't even "get it up" and i fingered her until she was done and didn't want to go on anymore.
The second girl, I made out with at a pool party and quickly led it to her coming over. I wasn't attracted to her body at all. The only thing pretty was her face and she had nice hair and I couldn't see myself ripping her clothes off and having sex.
I ended up making an excuse for why she needed to leave instead of trying to escalate.
Don't get me wrong, I was telling myself the things you said above but, that doesn't get me hard.
I didn't want to be rude and tell the girls that they need to turn me on. They'd probably get offended. "So you're saying I don't turn you on?! You think I'm ugly?!"
During your years of taking women to bed who were anything but amazing, what personal tricks did you use to "get it up"?”
That's a very good question, and one I want to handle in a post targeting two dual and related reasons that men have for not finishing the last half-mile of the marathon and moving from physical escalation to full-on intercourse:
Not being turned on, and
Performance anxiety kicking in
Let's talk about both.
There she was, rail-thin and beautiful, lying in my bed, her legs spread apart welcomingly, nothing but her shirt still on. I was completely naked, but limp as a wet noodle.
I struggled to get hard, or get the condom over my soft member, which I proceeded to insert into her anyway just to at least say I'd done it. But I couldn't firm up.
"You don't want me!" she cried plaintively.
"No, it's not you," I said; "this has been happening to me lately. It's something in my head... I've got to fix it."
She was beautiful, but young, inexperienced, and insecure about her body. She'd asked me to turn the lights off; I wondered what she was trying to hide. She refused to let me take her top off; was it because her breasts were so small (and they were) that if I got her top off I'd find out that they were non-existent and all I was seeing was her bra? What if she was actually a man?
These were ridiculous thoughts running through my head, but I'd just had my first encounter with a gang of transsexuals not long before, and I was on high-alert for any indications a woman might not be who she said she was. In all honesty, there was no possibility that this girl was anything other than 100% woman, but all my mind could think about were these unusual requests to turn the lights off and leave her shirt on, and then, after that, my utter inability to get it up and give her a good time.
Mentally, I was stuck.
Sex is Not a Logical Choice
It is, rather, an emotional one.
Before most women will sleep with you, you must get them turned on. This is why creating sexual tension and knowing how to turn a girl on are such crucial elements of getting girls in bed. If you can't make her feel it, she ain't going to do it.
And when you yourself are already very good with women, arousal is never much of a problem for you, either. That's because:
- You're running your seductions on autopilot
- You're constantly there in the moment... present
- You're enjoying whatever it is you find enjoyable about her
- You're viewing her not as a person to talk to but as a sex object to act upon
- You KNOW you're going to make her orgasm to high heaven
(or, alternately, you don't care what
... and you just perform.
No performance anxiety.
No wondering how to get turned on.
No fretting and fussing about your soldier not standing at attention; he is AT attention.
Even if this girl isn't your dream girl, or the connection that you feel with her is close to zero... that doesn't matter.
Because right now, here in this moment, there is only you and her, and both of you are in full-on carnal hedonist modes, you ready to tear into her body, and her ready to be torn into.
Except, when you are not quite so well-versed with women and with not quite so much sexual experience under your belt, this carefree sexual hedonism is frequently as far from you as a thing can be.
Performance Anxiety and Lack of Arousal
There are two core reasons why men cannot get hard or perform:
- They're worried about their sexual performances (performance anxiety)
- They're simply not turned on by the girl (lack of arousal)
... and that's not to say anything bad about the girl herself.
During that several month-long stretch I had when I struggled with repeatedly choking at the moment of truth with a number of different women, some of those women were drop-dead gorgeous, with incredible bodies, and were sexy as hell.
I really beat myself up about losing a couple of those girls back then.
So, it CAN be that she really isn't your type and you're just going
through the motions... but it ALSO can be that you would LOVE to be
inside her and giving her an amazing sexual experience, but you're
simply psyching yourself out. And,
it can be as well that you're not (yet) psyching yourself out, and she
really is the kind of woman you'd ordinary love to be with, but you're
so out of your element that you simply aren't in a sexual state of mind.
When I was going through this myself, I sat down and analyzed what was happening in my head that was causing me to fail to be able to get it up for these girls, and I discovered the following things:
Too much calculation, not enough feeling. My inability to get turned on and stricken-ness with performance anxiety hit right when I began to regularly pull women home, often in unexpected, unusual, or difficult-to-pull-off situations. These were the kind of lays that most guys would brag for a lifetime about - the stunner with zero interest in me I'd managed to finesse back into bed; the ultra-sexy girl I'd picked up in tandem with a mentor of mine picking up her friend, and the four of us heading back to another friend's apartment - unusual logistics for me at the time - and me having the pressure of needing to make sure I laid my girl in the bedroom so my friend would have time to lay his on the couch; the girl I'd just pulled off a crazy turnaround with, whom I'd very nearly lost.
My mind was working a mile a minute, thinking about my escalations, about breaking last minute resistance to sex, about handling all the variables to get to sex, and even reviewing the night's events... and not thinking about physical pleasure one iota. I simply wasn't into it emotionally. And you can't plan or calculate your way to an erection (or, at least I couldn't, though I've since gained a bit more conscious control over this).
Focusing on the wrong things. Another thing I realized I was doing was focusing on all the wrong things with the women I had in my bed, instead of the right ones. That pretty girl with her top on and the lights off? I was thinking about her short-cropped hair (boyish and unsexy); her tiny breasts; how weird it was that she wanted the light off (she was probably just self-conscious). Forget the fact that she was beautiful, or bottom-less and with a very wet and very welcoming place for me to be; I was too busy thinking about those things I didn't like to pay much mind to those things I did.
Building up the pressure. After a little time spent calculating and focusing on the wrong things, suddenly I'd begin feeling a mountain of pressure forming on my shoulders. I've been limp and naked for something like 10 minutes now! I'd realize. She's going to think I'm an impotent putz and LEAVE in DISGUST! I HAVE to get hard, RIGHT NOW!
And as soon as those thoughts started, my goose was cooked; now I was never going to get hard, because instead of thinking about sex, physical pleasure, and drinking in and enjoying this comely, receptive young woman lying here waiting for me, all I was thinking about was how angry or annoyed she was going to be, or how disappointed, or how terrible the end of this night was going to be. Not exactly where you want your mind to be when you're trying to summon up an erection.
I realized that the answer to this was very much in my control, and I could tackle correcting the crippling mindset deficiencies that were causing me to lose women and lays the same way I'd tackled depression: first, by breaking the obsessive thought cycles my brain was slipping into, and second, by replacing them with something far more constructive.
I needed to get myself to stop
thinking calculations, flaws, and pressure, and start getting myself excited, instead.
My idea of the ideal sexual man - my impression of the kind of man women die for, and men hold the greatest amounts of envy for - has always been of a man who:
- Is raw, primal, and animalistic in his sexual passion and fervor
- Is unthinking, yet sensual, warm, yet relentless in his approach to sex
- Is a ceaseless dominator, piercer, penetrator of an individual; a conqueror of women
A man like that does not struggle with performance anxiety or wonder how to get turned on.
If anything, he struggles to not
be so turned on all the time, and aroused at the mere presence of women
I was not yet a man like this... but if I wanted to get to where I wanted and needed to get to with women, I had to become this man.
But how, pray tell, could I do that?
Hail the Conquering Hero
I put together my strategy for transforming myself from cold, calculating, flaw-finding, anxiety-ridden me into warm, emotive, perfection-finding, arousal-bursting me just in time, for I soon found myself on a date with a beautiful girl - pretty face, tiny waist, great big breasts, an amazing rear end, and hair so long it touched that rear end - and within a few hours had led her down to the beach for my first attempt at having sex without a bed on a first date.
If the strange sex logistics were not enough to psyche me out, add to that the fact that this one had gone way faster than I'd planned for it to... and now, there were people watching us. Couples, kissing near us and watching us escalate.
This was weird.
Needless to say, I soon had my girl on her hands and knees on the
towel, dress rolled up onto her back, panties removed and to the side,
hindquarters in the air and the set of lips between her thighs dripping
and ready to receive me.
My pants were around my ankles... and I was completely limp.
However, I was determined to not let this one get away. I was going to beat this, this time. I was going to get hard, go in, and give both her and me a night to remember.
So I did.
A few moments later, I was hard enough for entry - and once I was inside her, I was stiff as a log, and thrusting hard.
We went a few rounds on the shores that night, and gave our voyeurs quite a show.
I never had any difficulties with performance anxiety or lack of
arousal ever again after that, and it's been over half a decade since
How to Get Turned On
I'm going to arm you with all the tools I equipped myself for getting turned on at will, and stripping myself of performance anxiety. I've found these quite effective, and while it isn't a subject I speak on a great amount, the men I've spoken with who've been struggling with arousal / anxiety whom I've shared these techniques with have reported that this cures it.
You can probably guess most of them from what we talked about earlier as the reasons for lack of arousal and/or performance anxiety kicking in, as these are their opposites. I also have a few more secrets in store for you, though you may or may not want to use them...
Quit calculating and focus on sensation. Once you have her clothes off, and your clothes off, and she is ready to receive you, it's time to stop calculating. Now, you can't will yourself to turn off your planning mindset; the brain doesn't process "can't", and if you're thinking about planning - whether you're thinking you WANT to plan, or you DON'T want to plan - you're going to think about planning. So instead, you must think about feeling and sensing - drink her skin in. Feel the curves of her body. Examine the mounds of her breasts. Run your fingers over her erect nipples, tightened with excitement for you. Draw the underside of your penis across her wet vagina and feel how good that feels. Keep sensing her, with your body - with your eyes, with your ears, with your flesh. Feel her flesh with your flesh. Focus all your energy on drinking in this woman before you, and getting your hands, member, and all the rest of your body all over her, doing whatever you want, touching her wherever you want.
Focus on things you like. If you notice you're worried about her breasts are too small, or her love handles are too big, or she's too thin and skeleton-like, or she has a mole here or a scar there or a pimple the other place... immediately force yourself to zero in on the things about her you enjoy. There are many parts to a woman's body - zero in on the parts you find attractive about her, and you will soon forget the parts you do not.
Release the pressure. Performance anxiety kicks in when you suddenly feel the need to perform, as though each passing minute that goes by without you getting it up leads to you being judged more harshly. Release this from yourself by giving yourself permission to take as LONG as you need. She's naked, heaving with emotion, gushing wet for you... she's not going anywhere. She'll lie there in bed waiting for you for two hours if it takes you that long to get hard. Remind yourself of this; tell yourself you can take as long as you like to to just run your limp penis over her body and touch her and experience her... only once you're firm and hard will you plunge yourself into her, and you can take as long as you want to do that (you really can).
Have her "get you ready." On occasion, if I am really in my head for whatever reason, I will ask a girl to "get me ready", and guide her head down to have her perform oral sex on me until I'm hard. I've heard that some guys feel weird about asking a girl to give them oral when their penises are limp; I wouldn't worry about this. I also see guys asking, "How do I get her to give me oral?" Well, trust me - if you've done a good job getting her naked and horny enough that she desperately wants you in her, she's going to do whatever it takes to get you hard to go in her, and if you're limp and asking her to "get you ready", she understands what you're asking her to do. I don't have to do this that often, but I haven't had a girl refuse yet (sometimes they'll complain about not getting oral back, but that's neither here nor there).
... and there's one more tip you can use, though it's going to come
down to how finicky you are about protection and how inexperienced /
clean (or not) you think a particular girl is:
Go in raw. Obviously, if a girl is more sexually experienced and confident, you'll usually want to avoid this one to avoid any outsized risks. However, if she's relatively inexperienced (only a handful of partners; a serial monogamist who dates mostly nice / good guys who are themselves serial monogamists), she's usually going to be clean, and thus low risk. If you're worried about diseases, you won't want to do this one; however, if you're only worried about precum / ejaculation / pregnancy, you can do this long enough to get hard (and you will get hard once your naked penis is inside a soft, wet, naked vagina), then pull out and put protection on before proceeding.
That last one you want to be careful with, and may choose to abstain from altogether if you're especially cautious. You won't actually need it - the first three options together are enough to nuke any lack of arousal or performance anxiety you have the majority of the time, and #4 gets the job done in a pinch.
Stick with the first 3 or 4 on this list, and you'll never have to worry about your trouser snake asleep on the job again.
Freedom to Get Hard
The more sexually experienced you become, the more you free up your mind from having to calculate and plan how to go through all the steps to get to sex and the more this becomes an automated process - allowing your brain to focus on more important things, like the enjoyment of the moment, and that cute girl you're sharing it with.
You see, the image of the raw, primal, sexual man conquering lusty females is based on the image of a man who already is so sexually experienced that he's able to effortlessly move through his seduction without a conscious thought, immersed fully in the experience of it instead.
To get to that point, you must have experience - you must have slept with a certain number of women, and you must have experienced sex in the different kinds of situations that might otherwise freak you out and cause you to lose focus, break immersion, and fail to perform - this can be things like in a room with other people in it, in a bathroom, in public, or in a car. If you can, try to work up to these - and it can help too if you have a girlfriend who's into experimentation you can try new sex logistics with, because then you can remove half of the pressure ("Can I satisfy this new girl?") and get accustomed to sex in that environment without this.
Ultimately, remember that it's all about immersion, and switching your focus from "what I've done today" or "what I must do next" to "what I'm feeling and seeing and tasting and touching right NOW." Immerse yourself in her; absorb her body and flesh with all of your senses; get your skin against her skin, rubbing and touching and moving; and you will be hard, excited, and turned on, ready for entry, before you even realize it.