You Really Should be Having Sex
Should you sleep with women you're not all that excited about, purely for the sake of the sex itself?
It's kind of a loaded question - isn't it?
It's one you encounter with guys who are new to the idea of approaching their success with women as a skill set - you'd like to be good with women, but you're not a crazy sex-aholic who's ready to jump on anything or anyone who'll take him, and in all honesty there's really only a small, select subset of women who really do it for you.
We've had a few questions to this effect recently on the site - here's Mike, on "Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do and 7 Things NOT To":
“I'm almost to the point where I feel the need to buy sex, not so-much because I haven't had it in so long that it's driving me crazy, or that it will build my confidence, but merely because I sense the women I'm interested in ( all of whom have boyfriends) sense in me, to borrow an expression, a 40 year-old-virgin syndrome. I don't believe I can lower my standards, taking on a girlfriend I'm not sexually attracted to, merely to get in the game and end my prolonged period on the market ( I live in a relatively small community where everyone seems to know everyone else's business.) But do you advise that's what I'll have to do before I can land the big fish? Or do you believe there is some amorphous "clinical" benefit ( again, not related to building confidence) to getting laid once in a while even when you have to pay for it?”
... and here's Michel, with a similar question a day later on "The 100 Hour Rule":
“[W]ith my girlfriends before, I knew each and every time that we would be lovers in the first 10 seconds after meeting her. Then there is no question of approach anxiety or of bad technique (even though I'm sure that technique helps make the relationship better, and that all I read on this site will one day prove useful!). But without this feeling I really don't feel attracted to a girl. The idea of having sex with these random strangers I meet every day is even mildly disgusting.”
Thus, we arrive at the beginner's dilemma: you'd really like to have more success with women, just... you'd like it to be with the women that YOU want to have success with, not merely whatever you can get.
So what do you do?
At the start of 2006, I started hitting the nightclubs much harder than I had been doing, and approached women a lot more aggressively than I'd been before, in a newly energized effort to expedite how fast I built my skill set, comfort levels, and familiarity with women.
The first few weeks were a hard slog, and very emotionally draining. Many nights I'd fail to muster up the nerve to start approaching, and, as I was going out alone at the time, I'd end up sitting at the bar, peacocked to the hilt in cool but kind of ridiculous attire, feeling like the biggest, most oblivious nutcase in my college town.
One night, toward the end of the night, I dragged myself out onto the almost-empty dance floor of an almost empty club, and started dancing by myself. I quickly felt eyes burning holes into the back of my skull; I looked and saw a thin, very pretty girl in a white tank top staring at me with a big smile on her face, about 15 feet away from me. She gyrated over to where I was, draped herself over me, and started touching and talking to me very aggressively.
While her clothes didn't impress much, she herself - face, body, hair - was quite aesthetically appealing. And she seemed very eager to let me do... well, whatever I felt like doing with her. After weeks of failures and defeats and humiliation, I was certainly in a place to use the world throwing me a little bone.
Only... there was the smell.
Her body odor was atrocious.
I was instantly repelled from this pretty, but very rank, girl.
I politely separated myself and moved away from her as fast as I could; she pursued me; I broke away again. She looked disappointed, and returned to where she'd been originally. Ten minutes later, she tried approaching me again; again, I politely got away.
I then spent months more struggling before I finally got the chance to take a girl home with me from a nightclub; and the girl I ended up taking home wasn't anything all that spectacular herself.
Looking back now, if I was counseling then-me, I'd have told me to suck it up and just take that pretty, sweaty-smelling girl home with me. I wouldn't have made her my girlfriend or anything, and I may well have had to steam my sheets after, but it would've flattened my learning curve, and I have no doubt I'd have a hell of a fun and funny story to tell about it right now.
Why You're So Picky as a Beginner
Part of it is a self-esteem effect:
“Men tend to establish minimum standards that are similar to those of women for high investment relationships (e.g., marriage) but set lower standards for relationships requiring less investment (e.g., a one-night stand). The purpose of the present study was to examine whether self-esteem moderates these gender differences in minimum standards for romantic relationships. This was accomplished by conducting a cross-sectional study with undergraduate participants (57 men and 124 women) from the southern region of the United States. Participants completed a self-esteem measure and reported their minimum standards for partners across various levels of relational involvement. As predicted, high self-esteem was associated with higher standards for low investment relationships among women but lower standards among men.”
That's from "How Low Will Men with High Self-Esteem Go? Self-Esteem as a Moderator of Gender Differences in Minimum Relationship Standards", a 2009 paper published in the journal Sex Roles, and a study we talked about originally back in "Lower Your Standards (and Date Hotter Girls)."
Men who are inexperienced with women also trend toward lower self-esteem, and lower self-esteem in men actually leads to higher standards for one-night stands and casual relationships.
Well, as I highlighted in that article, what I've noticed is going on with men who are less experienced with women is that EVERY woman they think about doing ANYTHING with they're screening as a potential girlfriend.
When you point to a girl and say, "How about that girl? She looks receptive," what an inexperienced guy is going to do is:
- Look at the girl
- Imagine sleeping with her
- Imagine her coming over to his place again and again
- Imagine getting sucked into a relationship with her
- Decide whether she's pretty enough to be his girlfriend or not
- Accept or reject approaching her based on her eligibility as a long-term partner
What's happening is that newer guys really aren't able to imagine just sleeping with a girl and that's it, they don't see her again - it takes them multiple dates with a woman, and women don't sleep with guys like them fast, they know... and besides, even if they DO manage to sleep with a girl fast, she's the only one they'll have slept with in forever, so what are they going to do - not see her again? Of course they'll see her again... and then they'll be TRAPPED!
This is the thought process of the beginner, and the source of the beginner's dilemma: casual sex partners and long-term partners get held up to the SAME high standards, because the beginner doesn't really believe casual sex is an option for him.
It's committed relationships, or nothing, at least for him.
I don't like giving too many specific prescriptions to guys on things they absolutely MUST do, aside from a handful of basic things, because most people have very strong opinions what they do and do not want, and will rationalize away what you tell them if what you tell them chafes with this.
So I will tell guys things like:
You must go out and approach if you want to get good with women
You must have goals you take with you and hold yourself to them
You must NOT kiss women unless you're somewhere alone with them you can escalate this to sex, OR you're working on learning (or already are pro at) how to kiss girls quickly and passionately and end it first and use this to make them chase, rather than give them emotional validation
You must NOT qualify yourself (work to impress women), and rather screen women instead (get THEM impressing YOU)
One of the things I normally do NOT say online - but always used to say to guys when I did live and phone coaching - was, "You need to be sleeping with these girls. You need to be sleeping with lots of girls."
That's generally because the guys who get coaching are all of a certain sort of disposition, in that they're really very serious about improving their skill set with women, and they're going out all the time, and they've committed themselves to doing what they need to do to do good with girls.
On the Internet, I'm talking to a range a personalities here, with different wants, needs, and personal objectives. You may be reading this article, and just like those coaching students, you are committed to doing whatever must be done to step your skills up with women in a major way. Or, you may be reading this article, and you really just want to get a little bit better with girls and land an okay-enough girlfriend without having to do anything especially difficult or seemingly unpleasant.
Readers here cover a whole gamut of different preferences, predilections, and predispositions.
But whatever your present setup is, I will say this: you really should be having sex.
Not Closing Things Out
The desire to not sleep with women you aren't crazy about is a very common one among newer guys, for the reason discussed above - when you're new, you can't help assessing every woman you're considering taking to bed according to your criteria for a girlfriend.
This leads to a whole lot of freezing up, backing down, and not
taking action. You don't WANT to sleep with a girl who isn't perfect...
Which, in turn, leads to a whole lot of NOT learning, and NOT getting better with women.
Let's be honest: you don't have to get good with girls to get girls at least some of the time. There are plenty of men out there who are clueless with women, but manage to land themselves girlfriends and wives because they met girls in their social circles or at work who happened to be single and find them attractive enough, and they finally summoned up the wherewithal to ask those women out and got a "yes."
You (usually) won't have nearly as easy a time, and you'll be more prone to relationship difficulties, and more likely to have your whole world fall down around you if ever your woman should stray or leave, but you can still do it - you don't need game skills or tight fundamentals to land some woman... although the higher caliber she is, the more of these you will tend to need, or the luckier you will have to hope you are.
Then again, in the modern West, as women's independence creeps up higher and higher and attractive male options for those women abound more and more and relationship stability declines further and further, transforming yourself into an attractive man who's very good with women has become an increasingly relevant, useful, and perhaps even necessary thing to do. Upgrading yourself simply gives you a competitive edge that many men do not have, because they are still too busy chasing after high-paying salaries with the expectation that money = success with women, when it isn't quite that cut-and-dry.
If you try to get good with women, and you're NOT closing things out - not taking women to bed, not becoming intimate with them, not finishing what you started - you are NOT learning anywhere near as fast or as thoroughly as the men who are doing these things are learning.
It's sort of like trying to learn how to be great at sales by learning how to pitch, but never asking for money, taking that money, and delivering product, or like trying to learn how to be great at basketball by learning how to dribble, pass, and guard, without ever taking a shot.
Getting Past the "Ick" Factor
When I was inexperienced, I experienced the "ick" factor with plenty of women. Things that triggered the "ick" factor for me were any woman who:
- I knew slept around / had lots of partners
- Made it too easy for me to get her
- Wasn't especially sexy or beautiful
- Wasn't especially intelligent
- Came across needy or weak
I had this at least as far back as junior high school - back then, it wasn't just "I don't want to sleep with her", but rather "I don't even want to be associated with her."
I don't know if this is pride, perfectionism, or what. I can tell you that, at least for me, there was some deeper, almost unconscious fear that spending time, energy, or sex on one of these "unexceptional" women was going to drag me down, cause me to miss out on the TRULY amazing women out there, and perhaps permanently lower my standards to unacceptable levels.
Not every man has this. I've known plenty of guys who experience ZERO "ick" factor; a girl could be 170 pounds and in desperate need of a makeover, and they would not feel "ick" one bit - they may not be especially excited about the girl, but if she's all they can get on a given night and it isn't a lot of work to get her and no one's every going to find out... hey, why the heck not?
I think there are a few reasons why it's worth getting past this (within reason - I still won't touch ugly / husky / really weird or crazy women, but you should at least be able to converse with them):
Experience - it counts (a lot). While there are differences between different types of women, and you want to make sure you're targeting the kinds of women you're most attracted to first and foremost, if no multilingual Rhodes Scholar beauty pageant winners are in sight when you go hit the streets to do a little day game, that doesn't mean you ought to just give up and go home. Trust me - pit a man who's slept with 2 or 3 amazing women only against a man who's slept with 2 or 3 amazing women as well as 15 or 20 "okay" women for the affections of a new amazing woman, and the man with 2 or 3 + 15 or 20 is going to beat out the man with 2 or 3 only nearly every time - not because the girl "just doesn't recognize his superiority", but because he isn't as good at conveying it and moving things forward with women as that other, more experienced man is.
Reducing judgment. One surprisingly important ability, not just for taking women to bed as lovers itself, but also for maintaining healthy and open relationships, is being as free from judgment as possible. This does not mean you are undiscriminating - recall that experienced, high self-esteem men are every bit as picky when it comes to long-term partners as their less experienced peers are. What it means, rather, is that you refrain from subconsciously pushing your views and opinions on women and making them feel monitored and judged. Less experienced men do this, and really cannot control it... it's hidden, but it bleeds through, and it colors the relationship. Even "good girls" have sexual awakenings - and if she feels like she's leaving you behind in the relationship (rather than viewing you as her teacher), you'll be in trouble.
Confidence. A man who's slept with a woman recently behaves a lot differently around women than a man who hasn't (and a man who's slept with a lot of women recently more different still). He's more comfortable; more familiar; he's viewing her more as a sex object (something that makes intimacy more likely to occur between him and her) to be teased and toyed with and given smiles and pleasure than as a delicate flower to be treated gingerly as if she might break. Further, women can tell when a man is living in genuine abundance of options with women... and they can tell when he is not. Women test harder and make a man perform more when they know he's lacking in options vs. when they can tell he isn't - men with options simply are both smoother in their words and actions, and also shorter on time and patience than men without... and this is nearly impossible to simulate when you aren't actually a man who's taking women to bed regularly right now.
That last point is quite important - I've had friends well into their hundreds of lovers who've taken time off in (mostly) monogamous long-term relationships, and there is a weirdness and awkwardness - maybe a normalness? - about them after they've been 6 months or a year without taking a new girl to bed. Once they're back in the groove though, that unstoppable confidence and powerful male energy returns, and you can just feel it around them: the words roll off their tongues with ease, their smiles are wider and brighter, their posture is straighter and taller, their voices are louder and deeper.
It's a change you can't even get with having a project you're working on that you're deeply passionate about (this helps; but it's not the same). Sex with new women is pretty much the only thing that does it, and women can tell when you're getting it... and they universally find you more attractive when you are.
Knowing that there are good reasons why you ought to be having sex, how do you get past that "ick" factor?
The easiest way for me was telling myself two things:
"You need this to get your skill levels up at anything other than a snail's pace," and
"You need this to build some momentum and get that indescribable air about you"
... those are either going to be reasons enough for you, or they aren't.
But if you want more and better success with more and better women, I'd recommend having a think on them.
Sex for the Sake of Sex
Like noted in the "Lower Your Standards" article, if the girl's a beast, or REALLY offends your sensibilities, then of course, don't do it.
If she's a nice girl, though, and she's reasonably cute, and she doesn't have any glaring personality defects... why not? You have nothing to lose - assuming you don't feel obligated to give every woman you sleep with a relationship, and assuming you make sure to use protection during sex - and everything to gain - a shorter learning curve, greater comfort and less judgment around women, and that indescribable air about you that makes women find you irresistible (and men compelling).
You'll feel a little weird about it at first, but just stay away from girls you'd be embarrassed to be seen with in public and your emotions will be okay. And once you achieve an absolute abundance mentality - once you know that you can find and get the kind of women you want as girlfriends almost at will, with little difficulty, and keep them - any fears you might've had at getting stuck with a mediocre girlfriend will dry up, because by then you'll know that girls who aren't good fits for you you simply don't have relationships with - you take them to bed, if that's what you want and that's what they want, and that's your only obligation, and that's fine.
And eventually, once enough time has passed, you'll sleep with a new girl and realize that you're not even sure when it happened, but now you honestly enjoy taking new lovers to bed, even if they aren't women you'll keep on as partners.
And you have developed a skill set in the process that allows you to consistently land the kind of women you want, and attract them with that way about you that only other women can give you.
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