Are You Nervous with Women? Stop Overthinking

nervous with womenDoes meeting women sometimes seem like rocket science to you? Do you get nervous with women and trip over your own two feet?

Wow… there is so much stuff to read, so many things to work on internally, so many things to consider at every step of the way when talking to girls…

And one single mistake can be fatal, and lose you a girl that was totally into you.

No, far be it from me to tell you that this skill is incredibly easy, and that you need to “just be yourself” and run “natural game”… if that worked, none of us would be here right now.

At the same time, there is also something that is worse than not knowing what to do… and that is “paralysis by analysis:” when the fear of doing the wrong thing leads you to do nothing at all, which is obviously also going to get you no results at all.

Or you think you need just a little bit more information before you can finally start going out and meeting women.

Or maybe all the information doesn’t paralyze you, but you do lose track of all the things you should be doing on a date and end up stuck in your head, or even more nervous and stiff because you’re thinking too hard about what to say next.

I’ve been there… I’m a pretty analytical person, and so I got stuck in that pattern too for a while.

And because I don’t want you stuck there for long too, here’s how to avoid it.

Nervous with Women

Armin commented on the blog:

What if you hit a low point and get stuck in a cycle of just forgetting what to do next or just constantly not trying to do one of the many taboos you preach about?

And you might try so hard as to not "chase a girl" "invest in" "be fun" "open vaguely" that you just lose yourself in this process. When before you where unconsciously pulling girls with the steps you were talking about but without knowing anything about these "keys".

Once realized that "this step might be a mistake" or "doing that to her is not worth my time", I've put myself in a state of mind that only says what can go wrong. Like say you’re on a date that you get worked up in a different reality and fail to address the girl's needs or be true to yourself that you just still end up losing her.

This might be more of a psychological problem, but I think this is why a lot of guys that might know what to do correctly in order to get the girl but still mess up anyways when they persist.

Armin raises a very real concern here when it comes to getting down first adequacy and then expertise with women… there really ARE a lot of things to learn, and a lot of things that can go wrong.

I mean – if getting good with women was merely a matter of reading a list of things to do when you’re talking to a girl, everyone would have the dating life of a rock star…

But you know what they say; brick walls are there to stop other people.

If it was TOO easy, you couldn’t ever get an “unfair advantage” over other guys by learning this skill set, after all.

All that said, Chase and I have spent A LOT of time and effort to make dating as simple as possible… even though we did not know each other when we were practicing the social arts, we have arrived at many of the same fundamentals, and we have distilled a lot of the complexity down to simple steps and principles that anyone can implement with some practice.

Rocket Assembly

When I first started going out for the sole purpose of approaching girls in 2002, I learned from “naturals” – from those guys who just instinctively know how to talk to girls, and who somehow seem to always end up with a hot girl at the end of the night.

And that was a very good way to start learning… I didn’t plan my dialogues ahead of time; I simply went up to girls and struck up a normal conversation. With some practice, I got a bunch of make outs, and from time to time I would even get a girl to go to bed with me.

A couple of years later, however, I started meeting seducers who were way more systematic about the entire process… and my first response was to laugh it off.

M3, BHRR and IVD… wait, how exactly does being a nerd help with getting girls? (If you don’t know these acronyms, don’t worry… they won’t be on the mid-term.)

After seeing these guys in action, however, I realized there really was something to the idea of having a solid plan and not leaving entire conversations completely up to random chance… the guys who had mastered these complex techniques slept with four to eight new girls per month… with absolute consistency.

They were never nervous with women, there were no dry spells, and there wasn’t much luck involved… they were systematic (see: "How to Make Her Want You") and prolific.

I had to admit that both approaches worked really well… my natural friends certainly got results, but so did the guys with the more systematic approach.

Over the years, I found that it’s only when you marry them both that you get some real dynamite to be able to meet a girl and seduce her with consistency.

And once you do that, THEN it’s time to simplify everything, and boil everything down to the essentials again. is the result of that entire process.

Your Brain Can’t Count to Four!

The shocking truth about human evolution is that only our neocortex, the outermost layer of our brain, has actually evolved since we were cavemen. All the other parts of our brain are still the same as they were then… and that’s the reason why we want to eat fatty foods when we’re on a diet, and why you want to call that girl that’s being elusive even though Chase told you not to chase women!

What’s more… our brain unconsciously also still counts the way cavemen do - it knows only four digits: one, two, three and many.

As soon as the human brain is confronted with a number that is larger than four, the conscious mind needs to help out to handle all the extra processing. The number three, on the other hand, is a small enough chunk for our subconscious to handle.

When you’re talking to girls, you’re facing a dilemma – on the one hand, you are practicing new skills, and there are a lot of skills to practice… on the other hand, you need to be in the moment when you’re talking to her, and you can’t be stuck in your head overthinking some complex model of seduction theory.

And the solution to this analysis paralysis, to getting nervous with women when you can least afford it, is to never leave the house with more than three things to work on.

For example, today you may want to remember to

  1. Keep good posture…

  2. Open by giving girls a compliment (use a direct opener)

  3. …and setting one sexual frame once she opens up to you.

nervous with womenIf these are three things you’re currently struggling with, then you should work ONLY on these three things at any one time… any more than that, and your brain will be too busy juggling them all to actually focus on the girl in front of you.

But wait, you might say, what if I’m not working on anything and I’m still nervous with women?

Well, what you’ll find is, the instant you start taking things you’re targeting to work on out with you, your nerves go way down. How’s that work? What happens is that when you’re out talking to a girl, or out on a date, and it’s just you and her and your ONLY goal is “get her to like me,” you’re going to start tripping yourself up and scrambling every time you think you’ve made even the slightest mistake.

You become all butterfingers and belly butterflies, so to speak.

But now imagine you’re on a date with a beautiful girl, and instead of “get her to like me,” your goals are “keep my posture straight, and give her a few genuine compliments, and set a sexual frame.” Suddenly, your mind has things to focus on other than something it can’t entirely control – how much she likes you – and with a feeling of control over the interaction, and targeted things you’re working on, a big chunk of your nervousness recedes away.

So one way to stop overthinking the process and dramatically reduce nervousness with women, while still improving your skills and abilities with women and dating very systematically, is to simply FOCUS on specific elements that need the most work right now.

Then once you have mastered these three elements, move on to the next pieces of the puzzle, until you eventually reach a point where you don’t really have any serious weak points in your game anymore.

Let Your Brain Do the Work Anyway

We have firmly established that your subconscious mind is pretty dumb when it comes to doing heavy-duty neocortex work… however, it is pretty smart when it comes to running things on autopilot.

Your digestion, your breathing, your heart… all run without your conscious awareness, and they do so with impeccable precision.

But what’s more… you can also tie your shoe laces, or brush your teeth, or even drive your car without your conscious awareness, and also with impeccable precision.

These latter skills are more interesting in this context, because they are skills you did, at one point, not possess… they are skills you had to acquire and practice.

Yet now, they’re automatic.

And that’s really the miracle of the subconscious mind… it takes over any task the conscious mind passes on to it. Once you have spent enough time thinking about something and practicing it consciously, your autonomic nervous system will start doing it for you, and without so much as your awareness.

What if seducing women became something that happened automatically for you, and without you having to think about it?

Well, just like driving a car or playing a game or brushing your teeth or responding aloud when someone asks you how your day is going, it can.

Now let’s look at how we can achieve that.

What Learning Really Means

In NLP (neurolinguistics programming), learning is not defined as knowing what to do… it is defined as actual behavior change.

More than that: you have only really learned something once you have implemented the new behavior as a habit.

And once you are at that level and the subconscious does take over, then your conscious mind is free again to seek out the next skill to drill and automate.

If that sounded convoluted, I’ll give you an example:

Maybe setting sexual frames seems complicated now, and maybe you have to think about it and concentrate to do it right and you get nervous with women that you’ll try to do a sexual frame but won’t pull it off… but with time, your behavior will change and eventually become habitual.

Your subconscious mind will do the work for you, and at that point your conscious mind is free again to focus on the next skill.

And in this way you can automate one skill after another, gradually but consistently... you’ll never even think about the “what ifs” and crazy contingency planning loops your brain goes through when you’re nervous and uncertain (it’ll just all happen automatically) and your dating life will improve right along with these skills.

Focus on Fundamentals First

The final way to avoid becoming nervous with women through overwhelm and overthinking is to put your complete focus on the fundamentals… especially when you’re first starting out, but it also pays to come back to fundamentals from time to time when you’re already intermediate or advanced… I still do sometimes.

You’ve heard that 80% of your results will come from 20% of your efforts… and a big part of these all-important 20% are your fundamentals, and your vibe.

Fundamentals are things like good posture, a confident handshake, solid eye contact, and so forth… while your vibe is your charisma, and your ability to control your emotional state and project it onto other people.

Maybe you have heard of Coach Wooden… he was considered to be THE best basketball coach that ever lived.

And you know what he had his super star basket ballers do during training?

He had them practice hundreds of free throws.

He had them practice the basics and the fundamentals a million times.

“But I can do free throws!” they’d opine.

“Okay…” he’d say, “let’s see you do them. Do 400 of them.”

It’s no different with social skills. Sometimes it pays off to just walk around greeting people, or asking for the time. Sometimes it pays off to just hold normal conversations and focus on your voice tone and your body language.

The REAL Story of the Tortoise and the Hare

If the tortoise and the hare were competing against each other in real life, the tortoise might win the race as well, and without cheating… simply because in real life, endurance is often more important than speed.

Especially when it comes to developing a new skill set… which is a marathon and not a sprint.

That means that you should calculate a good half year before you start seeing significant results, and several years before you get to be anywhere near mastery…

…which, again, is really good news and should not deter you because it’s deterring everybody else and thus eliminates most of your competition - if you can just be one of the few that stick with it and become the real life embodiment of the meaning of grit.

And getting better at picking up women is a skill set, same as any other… focus on no more than three skills at a time, and put a great deal of emphasis on your fundamentals and your vibe.

From there, it is merely a matter of taking enough action… just keep making gradual refinements over time, and you will keep getting better with every month that passes.

If you can only improve your skills by ONE percent per day, you will be TWICE as good as you are now just over two months from today.

Do the math.

Keep yourself at methodically improving your skills with women, and being nervous with women will quickly become a thing of the past.

In fact… get good enough… and before you know it, women start becoming nervous with you.

And that’s when you know you’ve made it.

Onward and upward,


Ricardus DominoAbout the Author: Ricardus Domino

Ricardus was one of the most prolific and respected coaches in the men’s dating advice industry. He’s dated some of the planet’s most beautiful women, ranging from a Miss World contestant, to a model for Coca-Cola, to one of “Brazil’s Next Top Models.” His specialty is daytime street stops. He is most remembered for his “Are you single?” opening line. Ricardus is currently retired from the dating advice industry.

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Josh's picture

The articles you guys write are always packed with not only theory and the meanings behinds stuff, but they are also fill with applicable information as well as scientific studies to back up particular points. I for one have definitely fallen victim to "analysis paralysis". It is caused by alot of things. For one, my driving curiosity to fiqure out how the human(particularly female) mind works as well social dynamics in general. Second, the need to control and have everything go perfectly and smoothly(by bascially THINKING of every situation before it happens) before you ever go out to meet women as to avoid akwardness, embaressment or rejection. Like a mental trial and error if you will. Those reasons combined with laziness, apathy, creative avoidance, being overwhelmed by things to practice/master(something the article above will help with), ever searching for that magic bullet even those I know one does not exist. It's almost paradoxical when you look at it a certain way. Its just so easy to convince yourself that there maybe somthing else that you haven't read about that....basically back to the elusive magic bullet argument mentioned earlier. One thing that I felt good reading was how good you can get by making small improvments incrementally and how over time you can make massive changes. But not just that but how most men don't even bother trying to improve their lives in this area and how even just THINKING about trying to improve already puts you ahead of most guys. It's a step in the right direction. The thing that has kind of replaced my quest for a magic bullet is more of search for newer more liberal ways of thinking(having grown up in a conservative home) and going about things, reading about things that constantly challenge my beliefs, and just a general open-mindedness toward all things. Just some thoughts great read, keep it up.

Anonymous's picture

After all this reading i have question i read a book on strengths and it says that when we were born our bring produced billions of synapses and neurons but as we aged we lost over half those connections but because we still try to focus on our weaknesses instead of making our strengths better this is why we fail. Any insight???

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