There I was, 7th grade, sitting oh-so-close to one of the prettiest girls in school. She had long, wavy blonde hair, and for the life of me I couldn't stop staring at her legs. I wanted nothing other than her.
That was my math class, every single day, 5 days a week. And I knew that it was on me to figure out how to get her every bit as excited about me as I was about her. I had to figure out how to get a girl's attention.
And so I did. In "How to Attract Women," I spoke some about how I learned to attract women later in life. What I want to talk about in this post, though, was how I learned to get women's attention; how I learned to make women take note of me, start keeping track of me, and begin to become intrigued. Because it was those early lessons in middle school, as well as the ones that were to come years later, that allowed me to today find it quite easy to get girls noticing me seemingly (from their points of view) before I've noticed them, and it's an important element of getting them to chase.
If you can learn how to get a girl's attention, you can learn how to captivate her. And once you've mastered those two things... let's just say everything else is a snap.
Making Women Take Notice
I've had guys tell me women think they're invisible. Personally, that one's never been a problem for me.
I always stood out. When I was young, it meant other kids singled me out for scorn. When I got a little older, they suddenly decided I was cool. I was directing this, sort of, but somewhat surprised all the same. I didn't think changing people's perceptions of me would be that easy.
But what I learned was how to get people's interest -- and, more than that, women's interest.
And even more than that, I learned how to get beautiful women's interest.
Because you see, what makes some people take interest fails to entice others. And what made the prettiest girls take interest I found I could boil down to basically a science.
First off, it's important you know how girls show interest. If you don't know that, you'll have a tough time figuring out if you're winning at the goal of getting girls' attention, so here's a quick primer:
- They play with their hair around you -- the more, the better
- They steal glances at you
- They sit near you
- They stand near you
- They open you, talk to you randomly, or ask you for help
- They hit you or slap you, laugh at your jokes, or otherwise make you notice them
That last one on there is the big one: women's response to being attracted to men is to try and make those men notice them.
So, any time you catch a girl doing something that you read as her trying to make you notice her and pay attention to her, you can guess, with some degree of accuracy, that she's probably interested in you.
That's the metric you use to figure out how to get a girl's attention: you look for girls trying to get yours. The more of that you see, the better a job you're doing getting attention.
How Attention Works
I've broken down attention for myself into a 3-step process:
- Assessing (attractive or not? attainable or not?)
Building on what we just talked about above, it works like this:
- You get a girl to notice you -- she suddenly becomes aware (or more aware) of your existence
- She then assess you -- are you an attractive guy, and are you attainable -- are you a guy she thinks she can get?
- If yes to each of the previous two questions, she takes action to make you start paying attention to her
Now, a lot of guys just inadvertently stumble on this. These are the guys you hear talking about how this girl seemed to start paying a lot of attention to them, and then they started chasing her, and then she got cold and disappeared. Thus the admonition of don't chase women, but that's beside the point of this post.
The point of this post is to help you realize how attention works, and how you can use the process to get women paying attention to you and get them attracted to you.
Once you know how to get a girl's attention and use it and channel it into attraction, you have at your disposal a powerful tool. You're then able to get many women chasing you from the outset, and you vastly reduce the time and effort you need to put into getting together with a girl.
So, that means we're talking primarily about what to do on point #1 above -- how do you get a girl to notice you?
For hitting it out of the park on #2, see the post on how to attract women, and read up on staying out of auto-rejection so that you're better able to understand how attainability works and why even attractive guys can sometimes get a cold shoulder after a girl notices them. A few tips:
- Women respond well to archetypes. If you're clearly an archetype -- the rock star, the jock, the artistic guy, the genius -- whatever that archetype is, if you take it and own it with panache, women will find you interesting.
- Women select for men they stand little chance of rejection by at least being friendly with. They look for the jock to be friendly and sociable; they look for the artistic guy or the genius to show a playful side. If you can show women indirectly through your actions how they can approach you without fear of rejection (e.g., you're really friendly with everyone, or you're sitting by yourself spinning a coin around or curiously inspecting something or humming or tapping your fingers), you make them far more likely to view you attainable.
For understanding when #3 is occurring, see the post on how girls show interest. A couple things to look for:
- Playing with hair
- Staring at you with eyes that go down or away as soon as you look
- Getting close to you or sitting or standing near you
- Starting conversations with you or asking you questions
So, if you had to rank your level of involvement in each of the steps of attention, you'd end up ranking it like this:
- Noticing: this one's completely your responsibility. Either a guy's enticing and alluring and makes women take note of him, or he blends in and looks the same as everyone else and he's invisible, or it's somewhere in between. This is what we're going to tell you how to take charge of in the next part of this post.
- Assessing: this one's largely your responsibility. Different women assess different men differently, which is why I say it isn't completely your responsibility; a girl who likes rock stars but dislikes smart guys will assess the rock star guy as exactly her type, but the brainy guy as someone she can't relate to; meanwhile, a girl who likes geniuses but is put off by garishly dressed rock stars will assess the smart guy as exactly her type, but the rock star guy as someone she can't relate to.
- Acting: this one's almost all her responsibility. Which isn't to say you can't make it easier for her; if you put yourself in a position where it's easy for her to signal her interest to you, you make that a lot more likely to happen. In the old pick up community, they used to call this by the unwieldly appellation "pre-approach invitation male approach invitation" (pAImAI); I just call it getting close to a cute girl to let her show you she likes you.
That's why the noticing stage of attention is so crucial -- the other things that come after are important, but they're somewhat dependent on her personality and how she is, and less so on what you can do (especially step #3). But that first step, that one's entirely on you -- and without it, neither of the later steps can occur, either.
Either you're getting girls to take notice, and then seeing what happens after... or you're not, and you're not.
In that case, you're going to need to know how to get girls to start paying you attention.
How to Get a Girl's Attention
Once a girl's taken notice of you, everything gets easier (assuming she likes what she sees!).
She's more open to being opened.
She'll respond more warmly to pre-opening.
She'll engage harder and reach the hook point faster.
She'll give you opportunities to meet her and start talking to her.
Basically, your job gets about 10 times simpler.
But how do you get a girl's attention?
Well, you can start with this list here -- while by no means is it comprehensive, it'll serve as a solid jumping off point and idea generator for you as you figure out your path to get girls noticing you and paying attention to you more and more:
- Start peacocking. There're a number of ways of going about this, specifically, and while I don't necessarily recommend goggles and fuzzy top hats, suiting yourself up in interesting stand out items and accessories is a great way of getting yourself noticed fast. If you don't peacock -- if you dress like everybody else right now -- ask yourself if blending in and not sticking out is the best way to get what you want in life. Assuming you want to be more than another brick in the wall, I'm guessing the answer's probably "no" -- and that means you've got to start calling attention to yourself in strategic, well-planned ways. Peacocking with your attire is one of the ways you can do that.
How do you peacock in a cool way? Get a cool jacket -- one with lots of buttons and zippers and flourishes. Get cool shirts and jeans that fit very well. Dress professional, if you can. Get boots. Get accessories that look good -- pendants, scarves, watches, rings. Your options are only as limited as your imagination... and your fashion sense.
- Be loud. Not necessarily volume-wise -- although you can do that too -- but when I say "be loud" I mean "make your presence known and felt." Back in 7th grade, when I was trying to get that pretty blonde girl's attention, I did this by being a classroom all star, answering tough questions on-point and making sure that I remained constantly visible. I also used my sense of humor to position myself at center stage; the combination of smart guy + witty guy made me a killer, alluring combo that quickly had all the cute girls in middle school pursuing me.
These days, I still use the "be loud" philosophy to get myself to center stage at times, but sometimes I find you stand out even more when you let someone else be center stage, but you communicate your calm and control through your nonverbals from slightly off to the side.
Especially for when you're just starting out though, "be loud" is something I'd recommend you figure out how to do if you've never done it much before. Even if you tone it down later, simply knowing how to command a room and bring the spotlight onto yourself is a very, very useful ability to have available for you to call upon when you need it.
- Be effortless. You might be surprised, but people pay more attention to those who seem effortlessly successful than they do to those who are feverishly scrambling about trying to make things happen. This is the basis behind sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort; it's why those things work.
What this means is, if you have something you'd normally rush to do (e.g., get your drink, answer a question someone's asked you, walk down the street, etc.), if you do it in a deliberate, effortless way, people will actually take note of that more and view you as a more alluring and powerful man than if you speed through it.
- Be playful. This one's a powerful one-two punch in that it both gets girls to notice you (Step #1 in our attention stages) and it positions you as quite down-to-Earth and very much attainable (Step #2 in our attention stages).
Playful things can include stuff like drumming your fingers, humming, moving your body a little bit to the music (not too crazy... you're not a dancing fool, just a cool guy vibing to the beat), cool or somewhat cheesy little gestures she can laugh at (winking at a girl, snapping your fingers and pointing at her, etc.), drawing or sketching, spinning something (a coin, your drinking glass, a pen, etc.), tossing ice cubes... all sorts of things.
The gist is, you want to stand out by being a cool, fun, playful-seeming guy, and at the same time get girls to lower their guards and realize that you're not some guy who's going to be rude or an asshole -- you're just going to make them feel good, which is all they really want.
- Position yourself well. I think this one's often overlooked, but positioning yourself so that you stand out and get noticed is one of the keys to getting that. Throughout my life, I've chosen conspicuous places to position myself so that no one could avoid seeing me; in middle school, I'd stand out in the middle of the school yard during recess by myself in a prominent position where others could see me; these days, when I'm in a nightclub I'll choose the most highly trafficked, prominent part of the bar to chill at when I need a rest, or the when I'm at the beach I'll find a prominent, isolated part of the beach to relax at.
This has the double advantage of making it super clear when a girl likes you; if you're in a prominent place that other people stay away from out of fear of standing out, a girl who positions herself relatively close to you is basically saying, "Okay, I'm going to put myself out here because you look cool and cute and I hope you'll come talk to me."
- Pose. Yes, that's right... pose. Not like a Victoria's Secret model, mind you, but like a male model, perhaps, or like a powerful man. I see most guys standing around, and they stand around with slumped shoulders and uncomfortable body language. Why? That's not appealing, and it makes them fade into the masses of slumped shouldered, uncomfortably posed people.
Instead, get strong, confident, dominant body language, and catch women's eyes and attention by looking like a powerful man. It's easy, it's effective, and it should never be disregarded.
Getting women's attention is a grossly underserved topic in the pick up and dating industries, and I'm not really sure why. I think the pick up guys assume that men are just going to be constantly approaching women non-stop without taking the time to stop and assess and position and make their lives a little easier, and I think the dating industry people just really have no idea how men meet women in the first place at all.
If you're out and about, and you're dressed well and you stand out, and you get all eyes on you, and you command a room and others in an effortless way, and you're playful, and you're well-positioned physically, and you look confident and powerful, trust me -- women will take notice. And they'll probably be attracted, and they'll probably (if you're doing everything right) view you as attainable.
This is something I've spent a lifetime honing, and I get constant attention and approach invitations from women trying to get me to talk to them everywhere in the world I go. I'm not especially tall or extraordinarily good-looking; it's just that, ever since 7th grade, I've worked to make myself the kind of man that people just took notice of, and quickly, or even instantly, became enamored with.
And that's something you can do, too, and something you can be, too.
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