A few days ago, a very perceptive reader wrote in to share with me an insight he'd had after reading over the blog here again and reading the appendices at the end of my seduction ebook. It was, he said, a profound realization about how to talk to girls that he'd seen me using and others using, and it was something that, when he told me about it, I immediately realized was something I'd once known consciously but had long slipped into the forgotten parts of my memory that were accessed only intuitively and subconsciously in conversation, without ever realizing it.
That reader called it "taking off the mask." Here's the relevant part of his email:
“ Over the past few weeks I've been noticing something about your posts and really every other seducer/PUA. I've noticed that the ones that really know how to handle women all demonstrate one quality.
They see through the BS!
I've been reading through some of your posts and the Girls Chase appendices and when you talk to women you go straight to her "real" self. The "real" self the girl in her that's still romantic, the girl who wants all her sexual fantasies to come true. You don't ever allow women to put on that mask around you, you make sure she can let her hair down and just be herself.”
In a flash, I remembered it being 2006, and me for the first time approaching hordes and hordes of women. It was such a confusing time; women would say things -- crazy things, unexpected things -- and I didn't know how to react.
What do you say when a girl tells you she has a boyfriend?
What do you do when she's acting flighty and disinterested?
How do you keep her engaged in a loud nightclub filled with distractions, or on a busy street when there's somewhere she very much has to be?
I remembered how confusing talking to women used to be. And I realized that the way I go about talking to women and interacting with them these days isn't just better -- it's different. It's categorically, unequivocally, incontrovertibly different from how I used to talk to women.
I'm coming from a different place, and my thoughts are on much different matters. And if I can help get you there -- or at least illuminate the path -- I think I can rapidly speed up the process you learn by.
The Masks We Wear
Have you ever seen the movie The Mask?
Not the second one, with some guy whose name nobody knows that lost more money than any studio would care to think about, but the first one with Jim Carrey, where he discovers a magical green mask that transforms him into a superhero (of sorts).
In that movie, speech writer-cum-actor Ben Stein played the role of a psychologist who had a thing for masks and had written a book called The Masks We Wear. It was supposed to be metaphorical, though Jim Carrey actually wanted to know if he could help him with his superhero mask.
Well, I always liked that phrase, "the masks we wear," and I always considered it an accurate description of the what the people we meet in day-to-day life are doing with their personas.
People are different with all the different people in their lives. Just think of your conversations with your parents over dinner, versus some new girl you've just met, versus a group of your best friends. Different things discussed in every one of those scenarios.
What the seducer and the pick up artist and the conversationalist are good at, then, is perhaps not just the conversation itself, but being able to see past those masks.
When's the last time you met a girl and within 10 minutes you knew about:
- Why she chose the major or job she did?
- What she looks for in a partner?
- What her past relationships have been like?
- What she'd like to do with her future?
- What she really thinks about the people in her life?
- What she's afraid of and what she's excited by?
Those are all things I'll typically cover within the first 10 minutes talking with women. And you can't get onto those topics if you're still looking at masks. You can't. It's impossible.
Why not? Well, because we wear masks to shield us. To protect us from enemies, from judgment, from being outcast. And we wear them with everyone.
Furthermore, most people take those masks at face value. "Okay, she seems strong and unflinching, so she must be cold and emotionless." "Wow, she seems so soft and deep, she must be submissive and a pushover."
Learning how to talk to girls is learning how to take off the mask.
The Way It Used to Be and the Way It Is Now
I remember back when I first started improving with women when I heard someone say, "I don't get what the big deal is. You just go talk to girls. Easy." But just talking to girls didn't seem easy; it seemed hard.
It used to be that I'd never take a risk like telling a girl I was unemployed, because, well, I was too afraid she'd come back and say something rude or dismiss me.
Nowadays, I tell women I'm unemployed the first chance I get. And sometimes they do come back and say something that most guys might perceive as rude or dismissive. But I handle it. I handle it adroitly. And then they become even more attracted.
How am I able to do that, you might ask? Normally, I'd tell you it's because I know how to address women's objections. Or I might tell you I've built up resilience and things don't bother me much anymore. Or I might say that, truth be told, after thousands upon thousands of approaches, this all becomes routine.
But the kernel of it all? It's what our reader pointed out -- things change when you see through women's masks.
You know what women need, through and through. Not just think it, or guess it -- you know it.
And because of that, you can ignore the stuff that doesn't matter.
And because of that, you can get to the gist of a girl, with speed and with gusto.
And because of that, you get the girl more often than not.
That's the way it is for me now. Now that I know how to talk to girls. It's not confusing or mystifying or hard anymore. It's just talking to girls. It's easy.
But how'd it get easy? Well, I got better at a number of things. I learned how to balance my value so I wasn't coming across as bragging or out of a girl's league. I learned how to deep dive and get women opening up to me. I learned what women liked talking about (feelings, emotions, relationships, their futures, their pasts, their motivations) and stayed on those topics, and I learned what women didn't like talking about (facts, debates, sports, video games, cars, work, things unrelated to you and them) and I stayed far the hell away from those things.
But above all, I learned how women think, and I learned to read between the lines.
Reading Between the Lines: The Key to Crazy Success
A woman's never going to tell you what she wants. She's not going to lift off her mask for you. At least not with words, anyway.
You have to know it, through and through. You have to be able to make a judgment call about what it is you think she wants. And you have to be confident she wants you.
This is one of the toughest parts about getting to the place where you're successful with women. Because you start off just a regular guy -- without a particularly stylish wardrobe or haircut or style of facial hair. Without charm or wit or grace. Without the ability to get to understanding her fast or thoroughly. You don't know how to talk to her.
And this limits you early on because the key to how to talk to girls with great success is made up of two parts:
- An unwavering faith in yourself, and
- An uncanny instinctual knowledge of her
Sound like they'd be impossible to get to quickly, right?
In part, that's true. You'll have to work hard and learn women more thoroughly than you knew was possible. You'll have to push your limits and move faster and test out things you didn't think would ever work. You'll have to make tweaks and improvements and changes every single step of the way.
There's more to it though. There's understanding women -- and that accounts for a lot.
And when you're moving fast with women and taking no prisoners (refusing to hang around and just play nice and platonic with women who aren't romantically or sexually interested in you), you find you're able to evaluate women increasingly quickly on the fly and know exactly what's on their minds (more or less).
It's a shortcut to understanding girls, if you will. And it makes it immensely easier to talk to them.
That shortcut is this:
- Consistently and quickly moving women forward with you
- Running your interactions off the assumption that those women want you
- Interpreting everything they say as either a sign of interest, or something irrelevant to be moved past to get your interaction back on track
The first step leads to the second, and the second to the third. From moving fast comes the assumption of attraction, and from that leaps the steering of the interaction toward things that show that interest.
It ends up working like this:
You're talking to a girl. It seems like she might like you; you're not entirely sure. But she seems interested.
"So then I figured, what the heck, I might as well move to this town too," she tells you.
"Hey," you interject, "let's grab a seat."
"I wanted to wait for my friend here," she protests. You know that if she doesn't come with you, everything's lost and it won't go anywhere; so, you figure, do or die: you might as well push.
"Your friend'll be able to find you over there. Come sit with me," you tell her.
"Okay," she says. She follows you, and the two of you sit.
To most guys, this probably looks like you saw right through her. You knew, somehow, that she wanted to spend more time with you and for you to move things forward.
But did you?
Here's the facts: you may have... but you didn't need to.
All you needed to have going on for you was knowing these few things:
- Girls usually like you
- If you don't get her moving with you, you'll lose her
- You've got nothing to lose by keeping things on course
For those reasons, you keep moving things inevitably toward your desired outcome: the two of you going to bed together (or setting up a date and you grabbing her phone number; or whatever other outcome you might desire).
By moving inexorably toward your goal, you clear any and all uncertainty about what comes next away.
You lose the confusion.
The questions fall away from your mind.
You see past the mask. But you don't just see past it... you lift it up.
You make a woman choose to take action and solidify her interaction with you, or decline to and end it. There's no second-guessing or half-measures; you know with certainty where you're at.
And that makes it incredibly easy to talk to girls.
How to Talk to Girls and Make Them Want You
I see past, and the other guys who do this see past, the masks of women so easily because I put women in a position to have to choose: be with me, or don't.
Most men don't do that. Most men talk to women in a really friendly, kid gloves way where they never force women to have to choose. They stick to safe topics and avoid making demands.
That doesn't work.
Any guy who's been around women for a while usually figures this out eventually. It's my hope that I can shave years off your learning curve by talking about this here; I know I sure would've appreciated it had someone done the same for me 6 or 7 years ago.
Knowing how to talk to girls is knowing to follow this process:
- Consistently and quickly move women forward with you
- Run your interactions off the assumption that women want you
- Interpret everything girls say as either a sign of interest, or something irrelevant to be moved past to get your interaction back on track
Your conversations stop being like this:
You: So, how do you like living in California?
Her: It's okay.
You: Yeah, it's pretty cool, huh? I like the weather here a lot.
Her: Yeah, the weather's great.
and start looking like this:
You: So how do you like living in California?
Her: It's okay.
You: Why just okay? Why not "great"? [not letting her get away with a vague answer; that doesn't move things forward]
Her: Well, the weather's great, but the people are all the same.
You: And you want more diversity. [keeping it moving along, understanding her]
You: What's good about diversity? [keeping it moving along, understanding her]
Her: It's just more interesting. The people, the food, the art -- it's all more interesting in more diverse places.
You: Hmm, good observation. Things do get a little repetitive at times. [connecting with her]
Her: [laughs] Yeah.
You: Let's grab a seat. [moving things forward]
If you give your interactions direction and momentum and focus on moving things forward, you start making stuff happen. Your conversations with women blow open -- they get downright easy and fun, because you're no longer trying to stay safe and nice and "well liked." Instead, you're sprinting toward the finish line, eye to your destination. You're not meandering aimlessly about -- you're determined.
Suddenly, you find it easy to get to know a girl: because of course, you must, if you're to move things forward. You have to find out her goals and dreams and motivations; you have to build an emotional connection. You have to get her talking about herself to you.
True, you will screen out the girls who weren't interested. You'll tell some girls to come sit with you, and they'll say "no." At that point, it's on you to persist in order to find out if that "no" is really a "no," and not a "please win me over." So you'll persist somewhat, and sometimes you'll still get a "no" and things will be over.
And it's freeing! You walk away from the girls who weren't interested, and there isn't a shadow of confusion or doubt or "what if" left in your mind. You know.
And when a girl does come along with you... you know she's interested for a fact. You'll be totally confident and able to interpret everything she does in the light of her being attracted to you. You'll suddenly, magically, find it downright easy to talk to her.
That's what it's all about. That's how you talk to girls; that's how you lift up the mask. By constantly moving things forward, and sifting out the girls who weren't interested in you and leaving behind the ones who were, who you now know how to proceed forward with.
And make no mistake, women love this. I am deeply, deeply convinced at this point that there is nothing more exciting to a woman than encountering a man who moves things quickly and confidently forward with her. Who knows how to talk to her, because he talks to her true emotions -- feelings of desire and freedom. He gets to know the real her, and ignores things that don't advance their mutual interests because those things are irrelevant.
Those are the men women respond best to, go home with, and fall in love over. The men who go for what they want -- because when you go for what you want, everything else -- from conversation to momentum to the next step to take -- falls into place and becomes clear.
See you next time.