How to Get a Girlfriend... in 5 Simple Steps

how to get a girlfriendA friend of mine asked me my opinion on how to get a girlfriend the other day, and as I’m giving him my advice, I thought this might interest you as well.

Some guys want to get a girlfriend, for whatever reason…

  • Maybe you’re just looking to have steady company, or you’d like regular intimacy with a girl that’s more than just a friend with benefits
  • Maybe you want to find a deeper emotional connection, or you want to have somebody to snuggle up with over the winter
  • Maybe you want to take a break from “the game”, or maybe you want to get married and have kids?

Whatever the motives, here’s how to get a girlfriend, in 5 steps… and while this may contrast with advice in other articles on how to seduce women quickly, it actually doesn’t differ that much… you’ll see.


Rule #1: To Get a Relationship, Don’t Look for a Relationship!

If you do, it will make you needy with every girl you talk to.

If you want her to be with you, and only you, forever and ever and all that other Disney propaganda, she will pick up on the needy vibe in a heartbeat. And if you try to “get her” for a relationship before she signals that she might be open to that idea… you’re toast.

In nature, it’s the female’s role to try and get the most attractive guy to commit to her. This is because, as we talked about in “What Women Want,” women unconsciously class men they’re interested in romantically in two groups – the LOVERS and the PROVIDERS:

  • Often women will have a hot affair with a guy who might not make the perfect daddy, but who has a lot of traits that she finds sexually very attractive. He is the ideal LOVER, and women often chase after this kind of guy and try to MAKE him into a provider.
  • At the same time, there is another type of man who might not have the same sex appeal, but who makes up for it with better qualities as a father and breadwinner. This type of guy is usually chasing after HER… and even if he does get her, she will usually hold all the power in the relationship.

Which one would you rather be?

A guy who is looking for a relationship is also less attractive and hence less able to attract women.

Don’t be TOO easy… human beings have the intriguing characteristic of being unable to value that which they don’t have to work hard for. Everybody loves a challenge… especially women.

If you’re chasing after her and trying to win her as your girlfriend, you are implicitly communicating that you are the provider… in other words, that you don’t have the sexually attractive traits of a worthy lover, who is confident that she will chase him… or who won’t care either way, for that matter, because he has a lot of options.


Rule #2: Instead, Look for Dates!

how to get a girlfriendEven if you want to find the one girl that’s right for you, chances are she won’t be the first one you go out with. You may have to date several people to find one who’d really be a great match.

And if you have several flings, one of them is very likely to turn into a relationship… if you simply allow it to!

These flings will also up your confidence and hence your game… they will make you go from a scarcity mentality to an abundance mentality, and change how you act around women. This will also make you more attractive... because you ARE the lover now… by definition.

Which triggers girls to chase YOU.

Also, while you’re still looking for the right girlfriend, you won’t be lonely, sexually desperate or needy… so the wait is EASY… it might even be fun!

And don’t worry that she might think you’re a player… women may not admit it, but they find true Casanovas magnetically attractive. In fact, I once asked my first mentor this very question – won’t I get a reputation as a “ladies man”?

His answer was: “Yes, you will… and you have to nurture this reputation… every chance you get.”


Rule #3: Don’t Commit Until She’s Committed

As long as you’re seeing her only occasionally and she’s not fully committed to you yet - don’t you DARE stop dating other girls!

Don’t feel guilty about it either… why should you offer a girl something she isn’t offering you?

A female friend of mine went overseas and asked her boyfriend: "Are we going to be dating other people?" He said: "Well, you can, but I won’t." She just said: "Oh, cool"… went ahead and dated other people.

No, no, no, sir.

I need to talk to this guy and put some sense into him!


Rule #4: Don’t Strive for a “Balance of Power”

Sure… it’s a nice idea for a relationship.

Unfortunately, in the early stages of love, the equilibrium is very unstable… and most guys who think they are in a “balanced” relationship are actually in a submissive role… even if only ever so slightly.

The reason is what we talked about above – you are, by definition, either the lover… or the provider. If you are the former, you will have a slight upper hand in the situation… and if you’re the latter, she will be slightly more dominant.

It’s just the way of nature… one of the two people in a relationship usually feels more strongly, and chases a bit more. If you would like to know more about this process, I highly recommend the book “The Passion Trap”, by Dean C. Delis.

Yes, it’s annoying… I used to get upset about it too.

But the good news is that once you get to know each other, entirely different rules apply and you can create an equilibrium.

The rules for dating and relationships are different, and often, opposite!


Rule #5: Fall in Love, Don’t Settle for Less

Personally, I would only ever commit to a girl when I’m in love with her.

But falling in love is something that sometimes happens and sometimes it doesn’t… we don’t have much control over our infatuation, so it’s nothing I could develop techniques for.

Here’s the good news though - keep dating girls you’re attracted to, and sooner or later the right one will be among them.

What’s more: this way, you will already be dating a girl once you start developing feelings for her – so you will never find yourself in the unpleasant position of having to chase women you have fallen for and who consider you a friend.

It is virtually guaranteed that your emotions will compel you to make every single mistake in the book in this case… and ruin all your chances of ever getting with this girl, ending up in the dreaded “just friends” No Man’s Land you never want to end up in.

This is by no means a cynical perspective… I have enjoyed several exclusive romantic relationships with amazing girls, and I think that falling in love is amazing… so long as it’s mutual!

It’s okay to have a heart.

The thing is only – I met most of these girls because I had an active dating life, and not by hoping that the right one would somehow magically fall into my lap, or knock at my door.

It is always a good idea to be a bit more proactive.

how to get a girlfriend


Dating without Love

One of my students once posed me the following situation:

“I’m just the dumbass who can’t date girls if he’s not in love with them, and this makes practicing hard. Another problem is that when I’m in love, I’m in love with only one girl! I just can’t think about dating someone else.”

My response:

If you don’t want to date girls that you’re not in love with, the problem is not only that you won’t get to practice your social and dating skills. The bigger problem is that you’re setting yourself up for a catch-22.

You can’t date girls if you’re not in love with them… but you’re making it very hard for yourself if you try to conquer girls once you already ARE in love with them. You will likely be nervous around her… and whoops, there goes your game.

You may not like the superficial type of relationship that is “dating”… you may want to explore more profound romantic depths. But consider this – no matter how deep you want to dive into the ocean, you will always have to swim at the surface FIRST.

And once you have found the right girl, you can limit yourself to dating only her. Because that’s the beauty of being in love... Suddenly one girl is enough. At least for a certain period of time, your eyes won’t even stray.

If you follow the advice in this article, you will never fall in love with a girl BEFORE she is already yours and in love with you too... when the feelings set in, you’re on safe territory because she’s already in your arms.

The end-all be-all solution for when you can’t stop thinking about her.


Growing Cold

Another student brought up a very interesting question as well

“But in the end, are you becoming desensitized? Does it become hard to even fall in love?”

The answer is, it only has to be the right girl.

Yes, your emotions will grow more stable, and your new-found abundance will prevent you from always falling for any girl that gives you the time of day. So your standards will rise… it will probably take a more beautiful and a more intelligent girl to trigger these emotions in you.

But if she shows up, and you find a girl that you do have an amazing chemistry with… you will fall just as hard, and so will she.

And at that point, you will know… it was all worth it – every minute spent studying how to make girls chase, every time you went out to practice approaching strangers… even every rejection.


So You Want to Be My Girlfriend?

Girls are often conditioned by society to play the role of the pursued… even if they are the ones who want to be in a relationship with you. For this reason, many women won’t outright ask you to be their boyfriend… rather, they will often be giving you signals.

  • She might start giving you gifts or send e-cards to your email address.
  • She might start to cook for you, or try to introduce you to her friends.
  • She might have you meet her parents, or try to meet yours.
  • She might ask you why you didn’t bring a jacket, and otherwise start to “mother” you a bit.
  • She might want to look into your eyes a bit too much… (The eyes are the window of the soul, and you can usually tell if she’s in love with you).
  • She might want to see you more often, or even throw a tantrum if you didn’t call.
  • She might even get jealous at your friends and hobbies (hold your ground here, cowboy!).
  • She might want to kiss, hug or hold hands in public and thus “mark her territory”.
  • She might tell you she feels very close and connected to you, or otherwise talk about her feelings.
  • She might ask subtle questions to find out whether you’re seeing other people, or outright tell you that she doesn’t feel the desire to date anybody else anymore.
  • She might be more affectionate during sex, and more passionate while kissing.

Watch her friends… If she introduces you to a friend of hers who gives her some eye-code or a knowing smile when she meets you, you can be sure your girl has said some very flattering things about you.

If you want to be in a relationship with her too, get two glasses of champagne… and mark the day in the calendar too, or you’ll be getting hell from her later. ;)

how to get a girlfriend


How to Get a Girlfriend Fast: The Easiest Solution

Women are evolutionarily wired to want to be in a relationship… so at the end of the day, it shouldn’t be too hard to find a girlfriend you like. If you can find her and get a date with her, she will usually be the one to move things toward commitment

In fact, it can turn into a problem… for many guys, it’s not easy to keep a relationship very casual for longer than 2 or 3 months before the girl grows too attached and gives them the “ultimatum” – commitment or breakup.

That’s what I meant when I said, a fling will turn into something more serious “if you allow it to happen”.

If you DON’T want to be exclusive with a girl you’re dating, make sure you follow some precautions to prevent this from happening so you don’t hurt a girl.

But if you are looking for a relationship, it is simply a matter of dating the girl of your choice, being a reasonably cool social guy and taking good care of her sexually.

Do all of the above and time will work in your favor… the more time you spend with her, the more it will simply become a foregone conclusion that you two are now, together.

Then, the game changes completely.

But that’s a topic for another article.

Onward and upward,


Ricardus DominoAbout the Author: Ricardus Domino

Ricardus was one of the most prolific and respected coaches in the men’s dating advice industry. He’s dated some of the planet’s most beautiful women, ranging from a Miss World contestant, to a model for Coca-Cola, to one of “Brazil’s Next Top Models.” His specialty is daytime street stops. He is most remembered for his “Are you single?” opening line. Ricardus is currently retired from the dating advice industry.

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Ray's picture

Dear Chase,

I am a huge fan of your methodology, and these 5 simple steps were straight forward and made sense to me in the past. I applied these concepts you mentioned, had an abundance of woman in my life and found someone special whom I have gotten into a relationship with. That was more than half a year ago.

Many learning points took place for me during my relationship with this girl. One most relevant to this post was her disbelief when she found out that actually I was dating other girls when I was "having something special" with her. I told her explicitly that I was dating other girls, which you mentioned not to in your "Managing Expectations" post, which I came across a little too late.

I was confused about combining what you said that we should 'nurture this reputation… every chance you get' of being a Casanova, yet not let her know explicitly about it and that we should not lie to a girl. Now, I realized that cultivating this reputation has to be something done implicitly. However, the fact that I cannot say it to them that I'm actually doing multiple dating seem to suggest that this is a wrong thing to do.

And I'm starting to question whether this lifestyle is the correct way to go about getting girls because it seem to originate from a place of fear, that I am dating other girls because I do not want to be overly dependent on just one which has the potential to emotionally hurt me if I become too involved.

A point to note now is we have separated, but still close and open to the idea of reconciliation. We have separated due to these differences in beliefs and I have committed myself to move away from multiple dating. This is because I realized how much pain and insecurity a girl in a relationship can have if she realized that her guy was once a multiple dater while dating her as well. But upon reading your posts again reminds me of the past negative experiences when I was overly committed to one girl, and I am also aware of 'red flags' which potentially could drive a girl away, and am observing these 'red flags' in me now.However, I also feel that if my purpose of multiple dating is to negate the negative effects of being needy, then I'm coming from a point of lack of confidence and I want to move away from that. But, is my perspective truly a wise one?
I would really appreciate your insights on this.


Anonymous's picture

So, you're saying that if you love a girl it's already too late? That's a depressive outlook on the subject.

Cameron's picture

I was just wondering because I think that I found a girl that I like and we are friends right now but I'm not sure if we are ready to be girlfriend/boyfriend yet. Like what should I do because we been friends for months and I'm afraid that if I ask her out then she wouldn't be ready. Should I just ask her out or wait for a few months.

MadInLoveWith3Girls's picture

I like three different girls and they all like me back. One is really hot, the other is bisexual and very nice and cute, and the other is good looking and has a great personality. Which should I go after?

Anonymous's picture

Ray, she isnt the one, look for a partner with better self steem. Chances are that even if you were not dating anyone before, she was going to give you trouble anyway. Keep doing your stuff.

kelvin's picture

I need help.the girl I really want to be with isn't having that kind of mentality.on our first day as colleagues,she told me she wouldn't want to get married.but as we speak I have managed to change her mentality.she really wants to be with my problem is how I could maintain her and make her fall in love with me.i don't want to be in the friendship zone anymore.although I have had some mistakes in the past I really want this she only wants me to be her friend and I don't want that.even though I have accepted to be her friend I want her to fall in love with trying to stand out from other guys.i need an advice

Anonymous's picture

With so many very mean and nasty women out there nowadays, and how in the world are many of us good men going to meet a good woman today? Much more women today are playing very hard too get, and with so many Very High Maintenance Women that are out there these days meeting a real good Decent One for many of us men will even be much harder since they can't Accept many of us men for who we are anymore.

MikeCanzanora's picture

Why women are so. Hard to meet. Is because the good ones get taken by the bad and the other girls reject the good men. That want to be loved. And just want have a women's. sweet deep love an bond TO me it's a disappointment I being a man my self am going. Through that same stage. I have a little hope. But. Still WORRIE. That. All the good girls are taken and all the hard to get and immature girls are. Just out their

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