Nonverbal Attraction and Getting Girls Without Words
In the post on how to get foreign girls, a reader named swingcat (no relation to the other guy!) asks the following:
There are quite a few Chinese girls I know who ONLY speak Chinese and who told me they always dreamt of meeting a foreigner. Out of experience I know that with nightgame you can pull girls without speaking a single word. What about daygame however? And for nightgame, how can you go beyond SNLs without being able to communicate?
You mention leading. Yes, that is indespensable but how do you establish comfort or comfort? How do you non-verbally qualify? Maye you can post some examples orFRs, since you mention that you have quite a few of these experiences. I think this would be really helpful.
Basically, he asks how do you move things forward with a woman you can't (or prefer not to) communicate with?
Which, I think, is a great question.
You won't just use this with women who don't speak your language. I use a lot of what is to follow in my regular interactions with women who are native or fluent English speakers, too.
But, you ask, why choose to go wordless rather than make use of verbiage-laden, well-worded conversation? Well, that's a part of what we'll talk about here today.
Talk Is Cheap... And Its Results Are Too
I'm a very efficiency-minded person, and a very results-oriented person, and I like to optimize things as much as I possibly can. That means, of course, that I'm happiest when things move fast and happen effortlessly to produce consistent, reliable results. So I don't generally like interactions that go on for a very long time; I want the point to be gotten to, and for both of us to then move on to more productive uses of our time.
But early on in my seduction career, I thought that you more or less had to invest a large deal of time with women. Talk to them for a long time, help them to really get to know you, and then your chances of succeeding with them get a lot higher. Right?
Of course, that isn't the case at all. As we've mentioned on here a number of times, taking too long with women is the kiss of death with them, and a surefire ticket to becoming just friends.
Guys who take too long end up losing their status as sexual candidates.
So then I thought, Okay, so cram more information into a shorter amount of time, and you achieve more success. And for a while I tried packing tons of information about myself into a short amount of time with a woman, and... that strategy performed even worse.
When you over-talk about yourself, you come across as if trying to impress. But here's the thing: truly impressive people never try to impress. They just are impressive, without having to try to be. The instant you start trying to be impressive, you stop being impressive.
So I started looking to scale back how much I talked about myself with women. In fact, I scaled back how much talking I, myself, did, period. Less. And less. And less.
And I noticed that as I spoke less and less with women, they seemed to like me more and more.
Now, it's worth noting that as I was speaking less and less about myself, I was also getting women speaking more. Hence, conversational deep diving and my emphasis on how to become a great conversationalist.
What happens when you reduce how much you talk about yourself down to the bare minimum while simultaneously encouraging women to talk more about themselves, and you at the same time do a good job effectively communicating that you relate, is that you help women to feel increasingly accepted by you.
You also, simultaneously, come across as a very powerful, solid guy who minds the Law of Least Effort and doesn't expend any additional energy that he doesn't have to.
That's two great things there: you help women feel more comfortable and relate to you better, and you come across as a very solid, powerful, attractive, confident man.
Two birds, one stone.
And the one stone you're ultimately using to pull all of that off, of course, once you've pared down your talking to the bare essentials (or none at all), is nonverbal attraction.
The "Attraction" in Nonverbal Attraction
Remember what we discussed in the articles on sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort -- that putting in a great deal of visible effort or investment makes you appear less powerful and less attractive, while appearing visibly more effortless makes you seem more powerful and more attractive.
To understand how and why nonverbal attraction works, let's begin by boiling things down to their most basic level of social power, then, in a few examples:
- What's more attractive: saying, "That's interesting," or shrugging your eyebrows wordlessly, as if to say, "Hmm!"?
- What's more attractive: saying, "Hey, how's it going?" or smiling, waving, motioning a girl over, and giving her a hug without a word?
- What's more attractive: telling a girl, "I like you," or gazing at her dreamily without a word?
Yeah, right -- you've got it. No need to go on needlessly with examples here. Going wordless just feels more attractive and powerful.
That's because you, like all people and in fact in fact, even pretty much all animate animals, as far as I can tell (coral need not apply... sorry, science joke), judge power: the more powerful individuals move less, say less, and communicate more with their nonverbals.
Imagine two big male gorillas courting a female gorilla. One of the big males runs around, makes a lot of vocalizations, beats his chest a lot, and basically tries to look really loud and strong and active. The other one sits there comfortably, lounging back with a bunch of bananas, flashes a gorilla smile at the girl gorilla, and motions her over. Who's going to get the gorilla girl?
Most males (male humans included) mistake noise and activity for power, so they try to substitute a lot of that. Male gorillas beat their chests and yell and run around; human males talk females' ears off, buy them drinks, and try to position themselves as more impressive than other men.
What goes unrealized by 99% of males, and capitalized on by the other 1%, is that individuals who are actually powerful don't run around going crazy trying to be impressive.
Instead, they exude impressiveness. And part of the secret to exuding that impressiveness is doing things with a minimum of effort; thus, nonverbal.
It's a lot easier to say something with a subtle gesture than it is to put together a string of words and belt it out in to the air. Because its substantially easier -- and because nonverbal communication strikes a far more primal chord in others than spoken language does -- it makes its users seem a lot more solid and a lot more socially intelligent.
Attraction itself works out like this: men are attracted to looks in women, but women don't care so much about men's looks. Women are more interested in finding powerful, confident men. Looks are nice, but they get minor consideration compared to confidence and raw, real power. Not scary power; not the guys who walk around acting like... well... gorillas, though there is a certain subset of women to whom that appeals.
But what women really are attracted to is men who seem confident in that their desired outcomes are secured.
Men who are merely trying will work hard to get their points across and show women that they're listening and that they understand those women, to make sure those women understand that they understand. There's this whole song and dance most guys go through, being overly expressive, trying to hammer home the fact to women that they're present there in the conversation, that they're attractive guys, and that yes, they're listening and paying attention and thinking about what she has to say.
Men who are confident women will get them don't do this. They just make small, simple, but clear nonverbal gestures that they know women will understand.
You might even say it's a way of signaling past successes; guys who haven't been successful with women are going to have a very hard time emulating the minute nonverbal attraction signals that men who have know how to pull off.
Fortunately, even if you're just starting out, there are a number of these nonverbal attraction signals you can start doing now that are going to help you find a lot more success communicating with women nonverbally right away. Let's have a look at what some of them are.
How to Communicate with Women Nonverbally
All right, here's where I give you the meat and potatoes of communicating nonverbally.
Disclaimer: this stuff is nuanced. You're going to need to play around with it quite a bit to get the right facial expressions and movements. Sounds easy, but isn't. But well worth getting the nuances down... women go ape for this stuff (not to beat a dead horse on the comparisons here). A few rules to keep in mind:
- Slower is better. Strong men move slowly. You should too.
- Anything even potentially rude should be followed with a playful smile.
- Monitor for comfort. It's possible to invest too little while being nonverbal, and your girl will start feeling there's too large an investment imbalance (she's investing a great deal, you're investing far less) and will start feeling uncomfortable. The instant you notice any sign of discomfort, start talking and relating yourself to lessen the difference in investment levels a bit.
Also, some of the greatest resources for learning nonverbal communication? Movies. Check out movies with strong, sexual leading men who communicate a lot with what they don't say. My top recommendations:
- Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder)
- Sean Connery
- Harrison Ford
- Tom Cruise
- Pierce Brosnan (as James Bond)
- George Clooney
Check these guys out and emulate their nonverbal reactions -- both facial expressions and other forms of nonverbal communication. There's tons of stuff there.
Communicating nonverbally... a full how-to post on this would basically end up being book-length, so rather than attempt to break down an entire form of communication in an Internet post, what I'm going to do here is give you a primer to get you started on communicating effectively nonverbally, as a tool to use with English speakers and non-English speakers alike.
Here's when to use nonverbal, along with some examples of nonverbal in each context:
- As a substitute for words. You'll find that, quite often during a conversation, a simple head nod can be enough to signify you understand. A craning of the neck or shrugging of the eyebrows with widened eyes can communicate you don't understand. And a slow, knowing half-smile can communicate you know exactly what she's saying. Used correctly, you can replace a lot of your normal verbal communication with nonverbal communication. You can point to things (like a hat) and make a confused gesture (say, a confused facial expression plus shrugging your shoulders and holding your hands out expressively) to ask a girl to explain something, or just to make her laugh at something silly about her that she obviously knows is silly.
- As an addition to words. Telling a girl, "Come and sit," ends up being far more powerful when you couple that command with a patting of the seat next to you. Telling her, "Let's head over there," while craning your neck in that direction or motioning that way while turning your body as if to start walking adds a great deal of thrust. Saying, "I see," then pausing verbally as your eyes glide off to the right and you turn your head ever so slightly as if considering the point makes you sound as though you've understood that much more. Again, you can skip the verbal with any of these and the gesture's still likely to get the message across powerfully. Only use the verbal part of this communication if you think it's necessary for avoiding an investment imbalance problem.
- As a sign of interest. The old "triangle gazing" routine -- of looking at a girl's eyes, then down to her mouth -- is in this category; things you do nonverbally that express interest. Using eye contact flirting is one of these. Using bedroom eyes -- lowered eyelids and a sort of dreamy expression -- while looking at women is another. There are even certain head movements you can do -- straightening yourself up slightly while moving your head a little bit in one direction while tilting it slightly in the other -- that signify piquing interest.
But one of the most potent ways to use nonverbal attraction, if you ask me, is combining these things with your verbally speaking -- not commands or comments, but while you're actually doing your talking. Because there are two things you must mind with women:
- Occupying a woman's mind logically, while
- Seducing a woman's mind emotionally.
What you'll find is this: even when a girl doesn't understand you one bit because she speaks a foreign language, if you talk to her while using effective nonverbal attraction techniques, she'll become desirous of you.
So you might meet a girl who doesn't speak English, and you start talking to her. "I'm sorry, I don't understand," she says. Or maybe she just shakes her head and says, "Sorry."
You say, "That's okay," and smile at her warmly. You can tell she's interested. You take her hand and pull her along. "Let me show you this," you say. You're not sure if she understands you or not; it doesn't really matter. You've said something just to fill the void, but it doesn't really matter what you said. The only thing that matters is that she's attracted to you -- predominantly because of your nonverbals.
You start talking about very light, silly stuff -- "Romania! I love it here!" Get her involved, point to her, then point to the ground and then gesture all around you -- "You, here? Love it?" put your hands over your heart. "Or no?" as you make a stern-but-silly facial expression and wave no, while glancing away from her briefly (quick tip: avoid saying or gesturing "no" while looking at a girl directly; you can inadvertently / subconsciously send her into auto-rejection).
She shakes her head and laughs, still not understanding you. "I'm sorry...!" she starts.
"It's okay!" you say, very loudly, playfully, happily, and expressively. Gesture wildly that it doesn't matter. "I like you even if you don't understand a word I'm saying!" She'll probably still be laughing, because you're being a little silly, but still moving things forward, and she's attracted, and she knows you're attracted. Just do this a little more, and move very fast towards your logistics. Keep leading; tell her where you're going, gesture towards it, be fun and spontaneous, and keep leading.
She'll try to leave. Don't let her go. Gesture very expressively, with a mock-concerned look on your face, for her to follow. Again, be extremely expressive. "No, you mustn't go!" you tell her. "We're not this far, just this way! Come, young lady, you must accompany me!" Continue gesturing and verbally commanding her (even though she doesn't understand). Much of the time, she'll relent, laughing, and go with you.
Then you get her alone, kiss her right away, and the two of you get together.
That's what being a sexy man is about. It's not about words much, at all. Being sexually attractive and compelling to women is largely about nonverbal factors.
I have a theory. My theory is, if you took two men who were equally clueless with women, and you taught one of them a lot of great lines, stories, openers, and other verbal tech, and you taught another one of them a lot of sexual body language, and sexy facial expressions, and how to move and look and seem like a very confident, bold, sexually attractive individual, and how to lead boldly and decisively and rapidly, that second guy would kill the first guy in results: more girls, higher quality girls, and stronger relationships.
Because here's what happens. When a guy's sexy, women just naturally tend to be a lot warmer to him, a lot friendlier to him, and a lot more desirous of him most of the time. They give him more leeway; he gets further along with them; and he builds more confidence in the meantime. The guy who isn't sexy keeps beating his head against the wall trying to figure out the right thing to say, whereas the sexy guy gets so many opportunities with women that he gets to know them so well that the right thing to say just becomes obvious over time.
If you take one point away from this article, I'd recommend you take away this: given the choice of working on either learning the right things to say, or learning the right ways to be and act around women, opt for the second one almost every time. You'll get a lot more mileage out of it.
And I'll talk to you next time.
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