Nonverbal Attraction and Getting Girls Without Words


nonverbal attractionIn the post on how to get foreign girls, a reader named swingcat (no relation to the other guy!) asks the following:

There are quite a few Chinese girls I know who ONLY speak Chinese and who told me they always dreamt of meeting a foreigner. Out of experience I know that with nightgame you can pull girls without speaking a single word. What about daygame however? And for nightgame, how can you go beyond SNLs without being able to communicate?

You mention leading. Yes, that is indespensable but how do you establish comfort or comfort? How do you non-verbally qualify? Maye you can post some examples orFRs, since you mention that you have quite a few of these experiences. I think this would be really helpful.

Basically, he asks how do you move things forward with a woman you can't (or prefer not to) communicate with?

Which, I think, is a great question.

You won't just use this with women who don't speak your language. I use a lot of what is to follow in my regular interactions with women who are native or fluent English speakers, too.

But, you ask, why choose to go wordless rather than make use of verbiage-laden, well-worded conversation? Well, that's a part of what we'll talk about here today.

 

Talk Is Cheap... And Its Results Are Too

I'm a very efficiency-minded person, and a very results-oriented person, and I like to optimize things as much as I possibly can. That means, of course, that I'm happiest when things move fast and happen effortlessly to produce consistent, reliable results. So I don't generally like interactions that go on for a very long time; I want the point to be gotten to, and for both of us to then move on to more productive uses of our time.

But early on in my seduction career, I thought that you more or less had to invest a large deal of time with women. Talk to them for a long time, help them to really get to know you, and then your chances of succeeding with them get a lot higher. Right?

Of course, that isn't the case at all. As we've mentioned on here a number of times, taking too long with women is the kiss of death with them, and a surefire ticket to becoming just friends.

Guys who take too long end up losing their status as sexual candidates.

So then I thought, Okay, so cram more information into a shorter amount of time, and you achieve more success. And for a while I tried packing tons of information about myself into a short amount of time with a woman, and... that strategy performed even worse.

When you over-talk about yourself, you come across as if trying to impress. But here's the thing: truly impressive people never try to impress. They just are impressive, without having to try to be. The instant you start trying to be impressive, you stop being impressive.

So I started looking to scale back how much I talked about myself with women. In fact, I scaled back how much talking I, myself, did, period. Less. And less. And less.

And I noticed that as I spoke less and less with women, they seemed to like me more and more.

Now, it's worth noting that as I was speaking less and less about myself, I was also getting women speaking more. Hence, conversational deep diving and my emphasis on how to become a great conversationalist.

What happens when you reduce how much you talk about yourself down to the bare minimum while simultaneously encouraging women to talk more about themselves, and you at the same time do a good job effectively communicating that you relate, is that you help women to feel increasingly accepted by you.

You also, simultaneously, come across as a very powerful, solid guy who minds the Law of Least Effort and doesn't expend any additional energy that he doesn't have to.

That's two great things there: you help women feel more comfortable and relate to you better, and you come across as a very solid, powerful, attractive, confident man.

Two birds, one stone.

And the one stone you're ultimately using to pull all of that off, of course, once you've pared down your talking to the bare essentials (or none at all), is nonverbal attraction.

 

The "Attraction" in Nonverbal Attraction

Remember what we discussed in the articles on sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort -- that putting in a great deal of visible effort or investment makes you appear less powerful and less attractive, while appearing visibly more effortless makes you seem more powerful and more attractive.

To understand how and why nonverbal attraction works, let's begin by boiling things down to their most basic level of social power, then, in a few examples:

  • What's more attractive: saying, "That's interesting," or shrugging your eyebrows wordlessly, as if to say, "Hmm!"?
  • What's more attractive: saying, "Hey, how's it going?" or smiling, waving, motioning a girl over, and giving her a hug without a word?
  • What's more attractive: telling a girl, "I like you," or gazing at her dreamily without a word?

Yeah, right -- you've got it. No need to go on needlessly with examples here. Going wordless just feels more attractive and powerful.

That's because you, like all people and in fact in fact, even pretty much all animate animals, as far as I can tell (coral need not apply... sorry, science joke), judge power: the more powerful individuals move less, say less, and communicate more with their nonverbals.

Imagine two big male gorillas courting a female gorilla. One of the big males runs around, makes a lot of vocalizations, beats his chest a lot, and basically tries to look really loud and strong and active. The other one sits there comfortably, lounging back with a bunch of bananas, flashes a gorilla smile at the girl gorilla, and motions her over. Who's going to get the gorilla girl?

Most males (male humans included) mistake noise and activity for power, so they try to substitute a lot of that. Male gorillas beat their chests and yell and run around; human males talk females' ears off, buy them drinks, and try to position themselves as more impressive than other men.

What goes unrealized by 99% of males, and capitalized on by the other 1%, is that individuals who are actually powerful don't run around going crazy trying to be impressive.

Instead, they exude impressiveness. And part of the secret to exuding that impressiveness is doing things with a minimum of effort; thus, nonverbal.

It's a lot easier to say something with a subtle gesture than it is to put together a string of words and belt it out in to the air. Because its substantially easier -- and because nonverbal communication strikes a far more primal chord in others than spoken language does -- it makes its users seem a lot more solid and a lot more socially intelligent.

Attraction itself works out like this: men are attracted to looks in women, but women don't care so much about men's looks. Women are more interested in finding powerful, confident men. Looks are nice, but they get minor consideration compared to confidence and raw, real power. Not scary power; not the guys who walk around acting like... well... gorillas, though there is a certain subset of women to whom that appeals.

But what women really are attracted to is men who seem confident in that their desired outcomes are secured.

Men who are merely trying will work hard to get their points across and show women that they're listening and that they understand those women, to make sure those women understand that they understand. There's this whole song and dance most guys go through, being overly expressive, trying to hammer home the fact to women that they're present there in the conversation, that they're attractive guys, and that yes, they're listening and paying attention and thinking about what she has to say.

Men who are confident women will get them don't do this. They just make small, simple, but clear nonverbal gestures that they know women will understand.

You might even say it's a way of signaling past successes; guys who haven't been successful with women are going to have a very hard time emulating the minute nonverbal attraction signals that men who have know how to pull off.

Fortunately, even if you're just starting out, there are a number of these nonverbal attraction signals you can start doing now that are going to help you find a lot more success communicating with women nonverbally right away. Let's have a look at what some of them are.

nonverbal attraction

 

How to Communicate with Women Nonverbally

All right, here's where I give you the meat and potatoes of communicating nonverbally.

Disclaimer: this stuff is nuanced. You're going to need to play around with it quite a bit to get the right facial expressions and movements. Sounds easy, but isn't. But well worth getting the nuances down... women go ape for this stuff (not to beat a dead horse on the comparisons here). A few rules to keep in mind:

  1. Slower is better. Strong men move slowly. You should too.
  2. Anything even potentially rude should be followed with a playful smile.
  3. Monitor for comfort. It's possible to invest too little while being nonverbal, and your girl will start feeling there's too large an investment imbalance (she's investing a great deal, you're investing far less) and will start feeling uncomfortable. The instant you notice any sign of discomfort, start talking and relating yourself to lessen the difference in investment levels a bit.

Also, some of the greatest resources for learning nonverbal communication? Movies. Check out movies with strong, sexual leading men who communicate a lot with what they don't say. My top recommendations:

  • Ryan Reynolds (Van Wilder)
  • Sean Connery
  • Harrison Ford
  • Tom Cruise
  • Pierce Brosnan (as James Bond)
  • George Clooney

Check these guys out and emulate their nonverbal reactions -- both facial expressions and other forms of nonverbal communication. There's tons of stuff there.

Communicating nonverbally... a full how-to post on this would basically end up being book-length, so rather than attempt to break down an entire form of communication in an Internet post, what I'm going to do here is give you a primer to get you started on communicating effectively nonverbally, as a tool to use with English speakers and non-English speakers alike.

Here's when to use nonverbal, along with some examples of nonverbal in each context:

  1. As a substitute for words. You'll find that, quite often during a conversation, a simple head nod can be enough to signify you understand. A craning of the neck or shrugging of the eyebrows with widened eyes can communicate you don't understand. And a slow, knowing half-smile can communicate you know exactly what she's saying. Used correctly, you can replace a lot of your normal verbal communication with nonverbal communication. You can point to things (like a hat) and make a confused gesture (say, a confused facial expression plus shrugging your shoulders and holding your hands out expressively) to ask a girl to explain something, or just to make her laugh at something silly about her that she obviously knows is silly.
  1. As an addition to words. Telling a girl, "Come and sit," ends up being far more powerful when you couple that command with a patting of the seat next to you. Telling her, "Let's head over there," while craning your neck in that direction or motioning that way while turning your body as if to start walking adds a great deal of thrust. Saying, "I see," then pausing verbally as your eyes glide off to the right and you turn your head ever so slightly as if considering the point makes you sound as though you've understood that much more. Again, you can skip the verbal with any of these and the gesture's still likely to get the message across powerfully. Only use the verbal part of this communication if you think it's necessary for avoiding an investment imbalance problem.
  1. As a sign of interest. The old "triangle gazing" routine -- of looking at a girl's eyes, then down to her mouth -- is in this category; things you do nonverbally that express interest. Using eye contact flirting is one of these. Using bedroom eyes -- lowered eyelids and a sort of dreamy expression -- while looking at women is another. There are even certain head movements you can do -- straightening yourself up slightly while moving your head a little bit in one direction while tilting it slightly in the other -- that signify piquing interest.

But one of the most potent ways to use nonverbal attraction, if you ask me, is combining these things with your verbally speaking -- not commands or comments, but while you're actually doing your talking. Because there are two things you must mind with women:

  • Occupying a woman's mind logically, while
  • Seducing a woman's mind emotionally.

What you'll find is this: even when a girl doesn't understand you one bit because she speaks a foreign language, if you talk to her while using effective nonverbal attraction techniques, she'll become desirous of you.

So you might meet a girl who doesn't speak English, and you start talking to her. "I'm sorry, I don't understand," she says. Or maybe she just shakes her head and says, "Sorry."

You say, "That's okay," and smile at her warmly. You can tell she's interested. You take her hand and pull her along. "Let me show you this," you say. You're not sure if she understands you or not; it doesn't really matter. You've said something just to fill the void, but it doesn't really matter what you said. The only thing that matters is that she's attracted to you -- predominantly because of your nonverbals.

You start talking about very light, silly stuff -- "Romania! I love it here!" Get her involved, point to her, then point to the ground and then gesture all around you -- "You, here? Love it?" put your hands over your heart. "Or no?" as you make a stern-but-silly facial expression and wave no, while glancing away from her briefly (quick tip: avoid saying or gesturing "no" while looking at a girl directly; you can inadvertently / subconsciously send her into auto-rejection).

She shakes her head and laughs, still not understanding you. "I'm sorry...!" she starts.

"It's okay!" you say, very loudly, playfully, happily, and expressively. Gesture wildly that it doesn't matter. "I like you even if you don't understand a word I'm saying!" She'll probably still be laughing, because you're being a little silly, but still moving things forward, and she's attracted, and she knows you're attracted. Just do this a little more, and move very fast towards your logistics. Keep leading; tell her where you're going, gesture towards it, be fun and spontaneous, and keep leading.

She'll try to leave. Don't let her go. Gesture very expressively, with a mock-concerned look on your face, for her to follow. Again, be extremely expressive. "No, you mustn't go!" you tell her. "We're not this far, just this way! Come, young lady, you must accompany me!" Continue gesturing and verbally commanding her (even though she doesn't understand). Much of the time, she'll relent, laughing, and go with you.

Then you get her alone, kiss her right away, and the two of you get together.

That's what being a sexy man is about. It's not about words much, at all. Being sexually attractive and compelling to women is largely about nonverbal factors.

I have a theory. My theory is, if you took two men who were equally clueless with women, and you taught one of them a lot of great lines, stories, openers, and other verbal tech, and you taught another one of them a lot of sexual body language, and sexy facial expressions, and how to move and look and seem like a very confident, bold, sexually attractive individual, and how to lead boldly and decisively and rapidly, that second guy would kill the first guy in results: more girls, higher quality girls, and stronger relationships.

Because here's what happens. When a guy's sexy, women just naturally tend to be a lot warmer to him, a lot friendlier to him, and a lot more desirous of him most of the time. They give him more leeway; he gets further along with them; and he builds more confidence in the meantime. The guy who isn't sexy keeps beating his head against the wall trying to figure out the right thing to say, whereas the sexy guy gets so many opportunities with women that he gets to know them so well that the right thing to say just becomes obvious over time.

If you take one point away from this article, I'd recommend you take away this: given the choice of working on either learning the right things to say, or learning the right ways to be and act around women, opt for the second one almost every time. You'll get a lot more mileage out of it.

And I'll talk to you next time.

Always,
Chase Amante

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Comments

Migz's picture

Question: You mention the


Question: You mention the “Don’t let her go” issue. Do you "always" grab the girl and pull her back in when she tries to leave? I find that they almost inevitably try to get away and defuse tension after the initial attraction phase.

This is my biggest sticking point right now and it feels like a test. If I follow, I feel like I’m chasing and losing my more powerful stance. Yet I don’t have the unwavering confidence to hold them.

You just pre-empt this by asking them to sit down/go to the bar/go outside?

There are several ladies that I think are in limbo between friendzoning me and ARM because I’m not chasing them. Basically they’re little more than acquaintances who see me easily interact with other girls. Just do the same thing with them I guess, huh?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Question: You mention the

Author

Hey Migz-

When I first started telling girls to stay, and refusing to chase, I didn't have unwavering confidence in it either. Actually, I didn't think it would work. But I just made myself doing it, and then it worked, and then I realized, "Holy crap! If I just tell girls to stay a few times, maybe 70% of the time they just do what I tell them and stay!"

Kinda makes you feel like the most powerful guy on Earth ;)

The key to breaking out of ARM and the friend zone is pretty much one and the same: get them giving you some small (or large) compliance, and then make them feel really good for having done it.

So, like, she's being cold to you and on the fringes of auto-rejection. You motion her over, she resists; you smile like you would at an impish child, glance away a bit, and continue motioning her over, now without looking at her / while looking to the side. She comes. You immediately become really warm, sexy, and flirtatious with her as a reward for her coming over, then move her right away and start getting into some solid rapport. Now she feels firmly rewarded for having done as you've asked.

If you use that with those gals who've been a little weird around you, you'll see a pretty quick turnaround, but you'll have to either build a really serious friendship with them fast (if you want them as friends), or you'll have to get them in bed fast (if you want them as lovers), or else they'll go back to ARM / friendzoning you and it'll be three times as hard to get them out the next time.

Cheers man,
Chase

Rosanna's picture

Hi Chase, have you taken a


Hi Chase, have you taken a Myers Briggs test? You sound like an ENTJ. I am a female ENTJ... the techniques you described work on me but I'm not sure for girls who are "feelers". On the other hand, as an ENTJ, I am drawn to other NT types so it might even be good if it doesn't work on feelers ;) Nice blog. Useful! :)

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Hi Chase, have you taken a

Author

Hi Rosanna,

I have indeed taken a Myers Briggs, and I am indeed an ENTJ. You sound like a pro ;) In my experience, this stuff does work well on the feelers too -- though reactions are a little different. The thinkers respond with more curiosity and excitement, whereas the feelers tend to get these swirling emotional responses to it, similar to "falling in love." I do tend to date thinkers though, too; feelers and I clash too much on a personality level (I'm guilty of considering them "soft;" perhaps they also think me too "hard").

Actually, I have to be really careful with the feelers, as once they lower their walls and let themselves feel around you, they can get pretty attached pretty quick. Obviously, as you get better with people, you also increasingly assume a degree of responsibility for how you make those around you feel, and as you become someone others are drawn to more, it's important to try and avoid them coming out of an interaction feeling like you judged them unworthy of a further relationship, not "good enough," etc.

Glad you like the blog!

Chase

Anonymous's picture

The Invincible Untouchable C%$!@*


Rosanna has got some strong words of insight. Get at me though Chase. I haven't spoke to you in a while. I hope all is well. Holla back man. You've got my email, right?

Peace

Uche

Chase Amante's picture

Young Uche!

Author

What's going on, brother! Long time, no see man! Yeah, for sure, I'll shoot you an email. All kinds of crazy things going on on this end. Probably will be back States-side in December for a few weeks. Hope life's been treating you awesome.

Talk soon-
Chase

Dave's picture

How to get facial expressions


Hey Chase

Good stuff, its really helped me out a lot. I first came to this site thinking I knew absolutely nothing about women, but I've found out I do a lot of this stuff naturally, like letting her do most of the talking, being non-reactive, etc. I just have one HUGE problem, I almost never show any facial expression. Even when I think I'm smiling for instance, I still have the same stoic look on my face. Your articles on the bored and skeptical expressions helped me out, and i laugh when I think something is funny, but unfortunately that's the extent of my expressions. I know this sounds extremely ridiculous, but I think this is one of my main roadblocks of success that I have. Any thoughts?

Thanks for all of the help,

Dave

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Lacking facial expressions

Author

Hey Dave,

Nope, doesn't sound ridiculous... I wasn't too dissimilar myself.

I actually worked on my facial expressions quite a bit -- I used Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder as a model for that. I also picked things up from very expressive girlfriends and female friends of mine, and used the sexy faces they used on me on women that I'd meet.

One of the best things for my own progress though was taking acting for the camera classes. My teacher pointed out to me consistently how wooden my face was, and I realized after seeing myself repeatedly that what I thought of as "nuanced" facial expressions actually ended up looking like no facial expressions. A year of acting taught me to be much more expressive facially than I'd been before.

So, I'd say:

  • Find a model to follow and learn and practice his expressions (use Van Wilder if you don't have one in mind already)
  • Take an acting for the camera class if there's one in your area, or start filming yourself once or twice a week as you act different emotions, and critique yourself hard and do a couple of do-overs

Those should help soften some of your (currently) wooden features, and get you being more expressive and vibrant with your face.

Coming from being a little wooden isn't necessarily such a bad thing though... sometimes it simply seems mysterious ;)

Chase

R!'s picture

"Because here's what happens.


"Because here's what happens. When a guy's sexy, women just naturally tend to be a lot warmer to him, a lot friendlier to him, and a lot more desirous of him most of the time. They give him more leeway; he gets further along with them; and he builds more confidence in the meantime. The guy who isn't sexy keeps beating his head against the wall trying to figure out the right thing to say, whereas the sexy guy gets so many opportunities with women that he gets to know them so well that the right thing to say just becomes obvious over time."

This paragraph speaks so true, my man. I feel like the dude beating his head on the wall because I might accidentally invest too much, or not know when or when not to say things. I'm going to be focusing on just naturally improving my sex appeal. Much easier that way, especially when I am not the best speaker in the world.

BW's picture

aha! moment


Huge aha moment for me on this article. Couldn't figure out why a girl I know from out of town kept going crazy and pushing away hard on me every time we interacted long-distance (yet, for some reason, never gave up on me) and came after me hard every time we were actually in person. Being reduced to verbal (and worse, text) communication made all of my natural game moot.

I was riding on 3%, no wonder she was losing attraction for me. The sucky part was that the long-distance interaction was blowing my confidence when she was around--how could she hate me before she got on a plane, then want me once she got off, I thought--which led me to slow down and become over cautious, which I compensated for with booze, which made me get sloppy....the spiral continues down.

I did do a lot right--I didn't change for her, didn't chase, made it clear I had other options, and built one hell of an emotional connection, so there's still hope. Glad I told her that it was clear we didn't work long-distance and to call me the next time she was local. She's moving back this way in a few months--hopefully that will be enough time for her attraction to reset without being so long that the emotional connection fades completely so she'll be open to reconnecting. Thanks Chase.

BW's picture

aha! moment


Huge aha moment for me on this article. Couldn't figure out why a girl I know from out of town kept going crazy and pushing away hard on me every time we interacted long-distance (yet, for some reason, never gave up on me) and came after me hard every time we were actually in person. Being reduced to verbal (and worse, text) communication made all of my natural game moot.

I was riding on 3%, no wonder she was losing attraction for me. The sucky part was that the long-distance interaction was blowing my confidence when she was around--how could she hate me before she got on a plane, then want me once she got off, I thought--which led me to slow down and become over cautious, which I compensated for with booze, which made me get sloppy....the spiral continues down.

I did do a lot right--I didn't change for her, didn't chase, made it clear I had other options, and built one hell of an emotional connection, so there's still hope. Glad I told her that it was clear we didn't work long-distance and to call me the next time she was local. She's moving back this way in a few months--hopefully that will be enough time for her attraction to reset without being so long that the emotional connection fades completely so she'll be open to reconnecting. Thanks Chase.

Hunter's picture

TV Show for nonverbals


Watch Vampire Diaries Season 1. Get over the fact it's a girl show.

1. Character: Stefan. Uses strong, long eye contact. Commands a powerful voice. (The actor's eye contact ability is what landed him the part)

2. Character: Damon. Acting is mostly nonverbal. Watch how he dresses, how he handles insults, and how he's a bad boy. Youtube "Damon Salvatore funny scenes" to watch all his face expressions

Get it now

Anonymous's picture

Cliff Robertson in the movie, "Charly"


...used his eyes and that facial expression just before he attacked a woman in the movie, "Charly". He raised his eyes almost menacingly and she became frozen in fear. She had just said "no" to his expression of love to her (which he confused with lust) and then his face became devious appearing...

Although he moved slowly to kiss her it quickly became an all out battle, and she ended up trying to fend him off. It is terribly exciting and sexy, albeit the woman was not having a good time.

Cliff used his "male expression" to announce his "pre-pounce" mode...and a rape almost ensues...he gets his bearing finally, but only after she slaps him hard.

IniquitousMuse's picture

Nonverbal Works the Same Way With Men?


I don't know whether it's because I am a female INTJ or my silliness and shyness but the communication style mentioned in this article is exactly how I communicate with men. However, when men respond with the same nonverbal style it is so electrifying!

Do men feel the same electric connection when women talk less and give nonverbal cues? Or do they feel like I am initiating a power struggle because I am so deliberate, calm, steady but intense in my attraction vs. the enthusiastic and exciting female feelers out there?

BTW I know this is an old article...my first time reading it though:)

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