Have you ever had dirty thoughts about a girl? Have you ever wanted to tell her exactly what you want to do to her until she’s hot and sweaty and ready to claw your clothes off?
Well, if I know most men, you’ve probably kept those thoughts and words to yourself. You may have even withheld them while you were hooking up with a girl for fear that she might get offended and leave. But let me tell you, she’s waiting for you to break out the dirty talk. So today I’m going to talk about how to dirty talk with women the right way, and how to take your experience and hers to the next level.
I locked eyes with her for a moment. Her eyes darted down and away and began to flit about the room, but I took her looking down as a clear sign of attraction. We were discussing some mundane topic or another; the words were escaping into a haze of energy and an exchange of vibes. But the subtext exchange could not have been clearer. Her pupils began to expand and her palms were getting sweaty.
I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her toward me until my lips were inches away from her ear. I knew she could feel my hot breath stinging the side of her face. I began massaging her scalp. I started to speak from my diaphragm, ensuring my voice was at least an octave lower than normal. I grabbed a tight hold of her other arm. I told her that if we weren’t in a public venue, I would slam her up against the wall, pull her hair back and kiss her all over her neck while I ripped her clothes off. And before the night was over, she knew that I was far from all talk. And while I was walking the walk, I continued to dirty talk with her until she couldn’t help but release the animal within.
I’ve had a lot of experience with dirty talk when either hooking up with girls or sexting them. Perhaps too much, some could say. But what I can tell you without a doubt is that in the same way that women love sex, women love dirty talk.
But so many men are simply afraid to push the sexual envelope. They are afraid that the woman will become uncomfortable, or she will reject them, or they themselves will become uncomfortable because they are venturing into unfamiliar territory. But in response to your hesitation, I will share one of my favorite Mark Twain quotes:
“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
If you’ve read my pieces before, you’ve heard me talk about my fear of “what if?” Cultivating this fear is how I was able to demolish approach anxiety. Getting rejected, getting blown out, falling short…it all can be really painful (until you eventually just realize that you’re learning, that is), but nothing, and I mean nothing, is more painful than regret. Knowing that as a man you could’ve done something; you could’ve acted, but you did nothing.
So sail away from your safe harbor and take a chance for once in your life. You have no idea how much a girl will respect you. And you may be surprised at the result. And most importantly: do it for yourself.
Luckily for you, dirty talk is easy to learn, and a great place to start if you want to start pushing the envelope a bit more.
Step 1: Be a Sexy Man
If you’re trying to dirty talk to a woman you’ve never slept with before, or heck, a woman you haven’t even had more than one conversation with, the prospect can be daunting. It can be nerve racking just to think about it. The fact is, when most men try to dirty talk to women, they come off as:
- Overly Aggressive
But they come off in these ways for reasons that you may not think. It’s certainly not because women don’t like dirty talk. They just need to be primed for dirty talk.
If you come off as overly aggressive: This means that you didn’t properly prepare a girl to get sexual. This is especially an issue for men of color. You are perceived as naturally aggressive, so, just launch into dirty talk and you’ll be right in line with that perception, sending her into auto-rejection. Just like actually hooking up with a girl, you need to get her in the mood.
If you come off as insensitive: This means that you shifted the mood to sexual when there was too “friendly” of a vibe, or if you were deep diving her and she was confiding in you. If a girl is telling you a serious story about how she lost her beloved childhood puppy and you start talking about how you want to get her naked, she’ll just feel like you’re trying to use her.
If you come off as awkward: This means that you set a bad precedent with the girl and your being sexual just came out of the blue. Or, it means that you haven’t built up enough social momentum and you’re sending out very uneasy vibes.
If you come off as creepy: This means that your body language is awkward, you haven’t built up enough social proof in her eyes, you didn’t give her plausible deniability, and/or your style/game is too weak.
I don’t usually like to laud silver bullets, but this is one of the times where I can say that all of these bullet points can be fixed by one thing: improving and calibrating your sexy vibe.
If you’re being perceived as overly aggressive, your sexy vibe is too strong, and you need to dial it back with more playfulness and making her laugh/feel at ease in order to have her open herself up more to your advances.
If you’re suffering from being awkward or creepy, your sexy vibe is too weak. You need to work on hitting girls with your sexiness right off the bat. You are coming off as too “safe”, and a girl doesn’t see you as a legitimate lover option.
If you’re suffering from being insensitive, your sexy vibe is mistimed. You need to connect with the girl on an emotional level and make her feel like she’s connecting with you. And then you can relieve the tension with a joke or some light teasing and start to get sexual.
Step 2: Subtle Dirty Talk Early in an Interaction
Unless a girl is just fired up and ready to go, you’ll have to start the dirty talk in a light and subtle fashion. I was recently bantering back and forth with a girl and we were talking about work and laughing about funny professional stories – nothing too risqué…until I threw some subtle sexuality into the mix. I stopped laughing and looked at her as if I wanted to grab her and manhandle kiss her right then and there. Then I got a slight smirk on my face.
Me: But that’s just my day job. You couldn’t even handle what I do at night…
Her: [a sultry look in her eye] Oh yeah…and what would that be?
Me: I’m a janitor. Because I get dirty, I make things wet, and I sweep people off their feet.
And this line (and lines like these) did an amazing thing for me. It was a sexually charged line, so it got her going and in a more sexual frame of mind. But, after I said it, she couldn’t help but laugh because it’s also just a funny line as well. So it works on two levels. Good subtle sexuality communicates sexual subtext while keeping the outside layer of communication light and fun. Since she’s laughing, she can’t accuse you of being creepy or overly sexual, but since you did just make a sexual comment, she sees you more in the lover frame. Sexual jokes, when used well, can be really powerful tools for moving an interaction forward.
Step 3: Escalate Touch
I don’t need to reiterate the importance of touch in the art of seduction. So if you’ve been engaging in light sexual banter, this is the time to start touching her. You should be playfully touching her while you banter, and as you begin to deep dive her and make the interaction a bit more substantive, you should start using the more prolonged forms of touch.
Step 4: Turn Up the Heat
If you’ve established a connection with her, turn up the sexual heat when she least expects it. Needless to say, don’t do it if she’s just told you a very emotionally charged story and is looking for your validation, but do it when are talking about aspirations like travel, or are joking around to relieve the tension, or are just discussing a more mundane topic. For example:
Her: And that was the crazy story of my trip to Bali!
You: Wow, that was quite a story! I’m going to call up National Geographic right now! And after all that, here we are in a random American dive bar. Isn’t this the dream?
Her: Haha, I know right… this is the life!...
You: [grabbing her arm, and leaning in right next to her ear] Sarah, I want you to know, if we weren’t in this bar, I’d be kissing all over your neck right now, sliding my hands down your body and grabbing a firm hold of your hips. And I’d just be getting started…
And then you pull back, lock eyes with her for a second, and then continue talking normally. And then suggest going to a quieter place or grabbing a nightcap or going to an after party, or whatever else comes to your head.
Quick note: if it’s really on, you don’t even have to go back to normal conversation. You can just tell her that you guys can make it happen and leave right then and there. So this will have to be based on your judgment.
Step 5: The Amazing “No Sex” Line
I learned this line from a natural friend of mine. When I first started using it, its effectiveness truly astounded me. And what was even more shocking was that the hotter the girl was, the better the line became.
So it goes like this: while you’re on the walk back to your place or her place – or if it’s less on, when you arrive at your destination – you stop the girl and get a serious look on your face. Then you look her dead in her eyes and muster up every ounce of sexuality that you have in your body. And then you say this:
You: “Look, I just want to tell you this right now. I don’t care how much you beg. I don’t care how much you plead. I am not having sex with you tonight.“
I cannot tell you how much this line just scrambles a girl’s brain. She will become flustered and start asking you why and wonder why you don’t want to have sex with her and start wondering whether you find her attractive enough. She will then immediately start to qualify herself if she’s especially affected by the line.
At this point, you can joke around with her and continue to move the interaction forward without actually addressing any of her questions. Or, you can just keep escalating with her then and there until you eventually end up where you need to be.
Really have fun with this one! It still gets me to this day how effective it is.
Step 6: Bring Out the Big Guns
If you’ve really got her going and you’re progressing toward sex, this is when you really bring out the big guns. When girls are in their prime sexual state, they really want a guy to take control. This is when you get a little rough with her. This is when you start telling her what to do. This is when you start telling her in explicit detail exactly what you want to do to her. This is when you tell her how much she’s turning you on. This is when you tell her how dirty she is. This is when you give her an unforgettable experience.
You can follow this same process (minus the physical touch) if you’re texting a girl and want to turn up the sexuality and turn it into sexting.
But beware of doing this too often!
It could lead into the trap of looking at a screen instead of bringing real women into your life. But, if you’re doing something like Tinder or just want to up the sexual ante with a girl you plan on seeing soon, then go ahead and use the process.
In terms of the “no sex” line, just say you won’t have sex with her the next time you guys hang out.
Dirty talk is a really powerful seduction tool that not enough men take advantage of. And, as you’ve learned, it’s not only for the bedroom. So give women what they really want. Calibrate your sexy vibe, follow the process, and reap the benefits. Get adventurous. Get physical. Get dirty.