How to Be Street Smart & Handle Life-Threatening Situations


street smartsStreet smarts are something that are invaluable to know, but that you won't know if you haven't grown up in areas that expose you to dangerous or dicey situations. You won't learn street smarts in the halls of a private high school or the sidewalks of an affluent middle class suburb. Instead, you learn them in the run-down, poor, impoverished areas where people keep an eye out for anyone who doesn't belong, just like you do in your neighborhood - only, instead of steering clear of people who don't fit the norm, like you may well, they come over to take a sniff or maybe a little bite.

Each of us has a different level of "protect" and "get" interests in other people. For example, if you see a big, scary-looking man, you probably feel nothing but "protect" instincts - there's nothing you can get from him, but he is a real threat to you... so you protect yourself, and stay away. If you're a single guy walking down the street and you see a beautiful woman, your "get" instincts kick in hard - you probably go want to meet her. Likely, you have some "protect" filter still up - if she looks completely cold or uninterested, you won't approach, because you probably won't get much from her, and you might not be able to protect yourself from rejection and losing face socially.

In less safe places, the people you meet have lower "protect" mechanisms toward you (you're less of a threat than the people they usually encounter) and higher "get" mechanisms (you're an easier mark than the people they usually see)... which means you're a lot more likely to get approached by someone you don't want to meet, for something you don't want to have happen.

Street smarts are really about raising people's "protect" shields and lowering their "get" meters around you, the same as that cold, aloof beauty walking down the street does with men who might otherwise be inclined to approach her - if only she seemed a bit more inviting.


street smarts

The first series of steps you can take to be street smart fall under the umbrella of triggering individuals' "protect" shields to raise.

That is to say, we're going to talk about making you seem like the kind of person it's probably not worth it to mess with.

If you're sufficiently adept at flipping "protect" triggers, you don't have to worry about anything other than the most outrageous "get" signals. e.g., a bodybuilder with huge muscles and a powerful walk walking around a bad area in a really expensive suit and shoes - even though he's all but a walking wallet, he's probably not going to get jumped.

That said, nothing is 100%, and someone sufficiently desperate or crazy may ignore his better judgment and try you anyway - but most of the time, most people who might be tempted to try something with you are guys experienced doing so, and experienced thieves, robbers, and attackers know to scan their potential marks for strength or weakness first - you want to take on those who are going to be clean and easy to take what you want from, NOT those who are going to lead to a messy, unpredictable situation where it's anyone's guess who comes out of it alive.

Criminals take more risks, yes, but they're not morons - nobody wants to get killed over $200.

So, triggering that "protect" instinct is really about emulating the kind of guy a criminal will think twice about before approaching - and feeding him that kind of guy's reactions if he bothers to try and feel you out.


#1: Strong, Slow Walk

Personally, I always walk pretty slow, but when I walk through dangerous places, I slow down a lot more. My walk almost becomes a crawl, I move so slowly.

I also walk powerfully - the "gunslinger walk" we talked about here: "How to Have a Sexy Walk That Drives Women Nuts."

Now, your urge when crossing through bad areas is always going to be to walk fast. You will want to hurry up and get out of there A.S.A.P. There are a few reasons NOT to do this, though:

  • Fast walkers stand out. People who walk fast are "busy folk." They're people from the rich parts of town, with affluent lives and high-paying careers. They always have things to do, and are always in a rush, rush, rush. People in the slums do not have such busy lives. In fact, their lives are s-l-o-w. They spend all day sitting on the stoop, watching the hours tick by. The people who are eyeing you up with an ill-favored look don't have 9-to-5s that keep them rushing around; instead, the laze about, waiting for the next payday to stroll into their lives. Lions don't rush about; they wait patiently in the grass for gazelles to come speeding through - then pounce.

  • Fast walkers trigger fight-or-flight. When you're moving rapidly, you trigger an instinctive response in others, who find the rapidity of your movement in an otherwise slow environment jarring. If they're afraid of you for some reason, the emotion that's triggered is a "clear the path" or "run and hide" emotion. If you look like a mark, though, the emotion that's triggered is a predatory reflex - you almost force certain people to chase after you, simply by moving quickly. This reflex is not triggered by strolling slowly and naturally through an environment at roughly the pace of its inhabitants, or slightly less.

  • If someone wants to catch you, walking fast won't save you. You might be thinking you're going to breeze by before anyone can notice you, and by the time they see you, they're going to think, "Whoops - oh well, he's too far away NOW and moving too fast ANYWAY... I guess I'll just wait for the next mark to come along." Only, the people who are going to approach you to relieve you of your belongings or worse aren't going to not notice you until you're zooming by; they're going to notice you the moment you appear on the horizon, 30 seconds before you reach them. If they want to introduce themselves to you, a rapid foot speed isn't going to deter them.

When you walk slowly, you affect others' emotions a very different way: if you're walking a little slower than they themselves walk in that environment, you come across as being even more confident there than they themselves are. This makes you seem like someone who walks through that area every day; even if they don't recognize you, they will tend to second-guess themselves about who you are and wonder if you're someone who lives in that neighborhood, or very nearby, even if you don't look like you belong.

And when you walk powerfully, you make them simply not want to confront you, because you seem like you'd probably be a dangerous person to mess with. Most nervous people in dangerous places slump down and try to take up as little space as possible while they move through; if you're doing the opposite, you communicate power, confidence, and strength, which makes any potential aggressors a lot more likely to decide to simply sit this one out.


#2: No Scanning

What do you do when you go somewhere new or unfamiliar? You look all around to try to get your bearings and learn the streets and landmarks, right?

How about when you walk down the same street you walk down every day? Do you scan about a lot then - are you studying the street signs, looking carefully at every shop and awning, and observing the people walking, standing, and sitting nearby? Probably not, right? You're probably in your own head, just walking the street you need to walk.

If you want to look like you "belong" in a place, one of the best things you can do is simply NOT scan. Street-smart people do no scanning. I stopped scanning when I was a teen, and you'd be amazed how often I get approached for directions by tourists in unfamiliar cities. It doesn't matter if I look like a fellow tourist or I'm indistinguishable from one of the locals; if I'm in the United States or some far-flung locale - people approach me for directions because I look like I'm "from" there and they think I must know.

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I feel bad when I have to say, "Sorry, I just got in this morning and it's my first time in town here," and then point them in the direction of a convenience store and suggest they ask a cashier (who will almost certainly REALLY know the town), but it's just another reminder that walking around confidently and not scanning makes you look like a local to anyone who's paying attention trying to differentiate those who belong from those who do not.

If you want to look local, don't scan. Even if you don't blend in skin-color or clothes-wise, simply not scanning can be so confusing a signal to potential harassers that they'll steer clear of you, because people are afraid of things they find confusing and unexpected - better safe than sorry, goes the rule... even for hoodlums.


#3: Eyebrows Down and Throw On a Frown

If you really don't want to be messed with, throw a scary look on your face. Eyebrows down (creased); slight frown on your mouth. Basically, just plaster a look on your face as if you've just had a really bad day and just had a nasty blow-up with a friend or coworker and want to punch his lights out.

Why's this one work? Again, if you're looking to rob someone, or just to get into it with someone, you want to pick someone who's going to be put off-balance by your approach - who will go back onto his heels... NOT someone who's already itching for a fight and is going to be ready to go before you are.

Most guys who see you walk by with a look like this on your face will tend to have this reaction - of, "Nah, I'm not messing with that guy."

The one exception: the exception to this rule is very large groups. In this case, you will sometimes have guys who take your angry look - even if you never look in their direction or make eye contact - as a threat, because they feel frightened on first noticing you, then become angry that you made them feel that way, feeling backed up by all their friends. They may also see confronting you as a chance to look strong in front of their friends (while backed up by their friends in case anything goes wrong).

When you are walking past belligerent-seeming groups: wipe your angry look off your face, and put on a totally neutral one. Generally, the worst these types of groups (groups where the guys are looking for someone to fight) will do is cat-call a neutral guy and throw insults at him, which you can just ignore and keep walking (I'll talk about this in a moment, below); where, with an angry-looking guy, they will actually get up and come approach you.

So, rule of thumb: when walking through dangerous areas, an angry look will usually keep you very safe. However, if you're crossing near to a group of guys that doesn't have anything to do and seems like it's looking for trouble, get rid of your angry look and slap on a neutral one... so that you don't invite them to come down off the stoop they're sitting on and walk right up to you. I've had this happen, and it teaches you pretty fast that angry looks are only good until they're not.


#4: No Distractions

"I'll just pop my earbuds in and listen to that audiobook I've been meaning to listen to!" you think in a panic, trying to come up with a way to look natural while you cross through this bad neighborhood you've suddenly found yourself in at exactly the wrong hour of the night.

Nah-uh. Leave the earbuds in your pocket. Phone too. Don't go reading text messages or checking your Facebook wall.

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Why? It's not because these devices attract unnecessary attention and raise others' "get" urges (though they frequently do).

Rather, it's because distractions take away from your other "intimidation factors":

  • If you're walking slowly, it's not because you're comfortable in the area - it's because you're too engrossed in your phone to walk faster

  • If you're not scanning, it isn't because this is a neighborhood you know like the back of your hand - it's because you're lost in the distractions you're feeding yourself

  • If you're looking angry, it isn't because you're a bad ass - bad asses don't listen to music or text on the phone. It's probably because you're listening to some hard rock, or you just got rejected by that girl you've been hounding on Facebook

Distractions nuke your power in dangerous situations. In fact, if I cross from a "safe" place to an "unsafe" one, and I am listening to an audiobook, I will pop out my earbuds, tuck them in my pocket, and put my phone away... not because I'm afraid of people wanting to steal them, but because I'm afraid of the power loss that comes with them.

You look like you're trying to hide from the world when you have distractions up in obviously dangerous situations. Put them away, and keep your power.


#5: When with Friends

If you're out with friends, the street smart way is that you want to be talking with them, and minding these guidelines:

  • Stay upbeat / positive / happy / excited / high energy
  • Talking in your lowest (deepest) voice that still sounds natural
  • Speak LOUDLY (as loud as you can sound without shouting)

The effect of this is that when you're communicating loudly and animatedly, you're putting yourself at a higher energy level than anyone who's just sitting around waiting for a mark to happen by, which is off-balancing - it's the same feeling for them as when you get to the club late and the party's already in full swing, and some wild girl bounds up to you yelling and gyrating and you're just like, "Whoa. Too much."

The effect of speaking in your deepest voice is that humans have a natural fear-respect tendency for deep voices, and the deeper you sound, the less likely guys are to mess with you. It's even been shown that voters prefer the U.S. presidential candidate with the deepest voice, and in something like every presidential election over the past 100 years, the candidate with the deepest voice has won the election - voice depth and dominance tend to go hand-in-hand (possibly also testosterone / aggression). Other research has shown men with deeper voices are perceived to be better fighters.

Basically, talk deep, and you can scare the bejesus out of would-be accosters.


#6: Dealing with Insults / Cat-Calls / Feel-Outs

Because you are not scanning, you will usually not be making eye contact either in dangerous situations. If someone interacts with you directly though, you must respond.

The reason for this is that if someone talks to or otherwise addresses you in some form or another, and you ignore / pretend not to hear, unless he did so so quietly that it seems reasonable you didn't hear or didn't realize it was intended for you, your power drops like a dropped towel, and suddenly you look naked. All that acting strong was clearly just that - acting. Because you don't know how to deal with actually being confronted or tested.

Rascals and rapscallions will invariably try to feel you out before they try anything with you. This is a reasonably "safe" way for them to gauge your strength relative to theirs, and it's how they figure out if proceeding with you is green light (you're a mark), yellow light (you might be a mark, but could be trouble), or red light (don't mess with you).

You'll find that men from dangerous places use "feel-outs" as their default mode of engaging with new people; it's why you'll see guys from the hood cat-calling women they find attractive (they're feeling them out to see if the women are receptive prior to approaching), and they'll do the same thing with everyone from guys they want to beat up or rob to guys they want to approach as potential friends, or even people they're just curious about and wondering what the heck THAT guy is doing here.

Insults look like this:

  • "Yo, pussy!"
  • "Yo! Retard!"
  • "Hey, [racial insult - gringo, white boy, chink, nigger, spik, Casper, etc.]!"

Cat-calls look like this:

  • "Yo, nice jacket!"
  • "Hey man, nice hair!"
  • "That's a cool briefcase, dude!"

Feel-outs look like this:

  • "Yo, what's that on your head?"
  • "Yo man, what you doin' out here?"
  • "Hey man, you live around here?"

If you're not used to this, these can feel VERY off-balancing the first few times you encounter them, especially if you're decidedly outside your element, and especially if the guy saying this has friends and you do not.

But all you actually need to do when you find yourself on the receiving end of one of these is simple:

  1. SLOWLY turn your head in the direction it came from
  2. SLOWLY make eye contact with the person who said it
  3. SLOWLY flash them the bored look or the skeptical look
  4. SLOWLY break eye contact again to the side, back the way you're headed
  5. SLOWLY turn your head back in the direction you're going
  6. Keep on going your way (slowly) at the same speed you have been

In the event you've been asked a question, a nonverbal gesture as a reply after you make eye contact is best (e.g. "What's on your head?" --> you tap your head authoritatively after making eye contact, as if to say "Look - see?"; "What you doin' out here?" --> you gesture in front of you and widen your eyes, as if to say, "Walking - see??"; "You live around here?" --> point in the direction you're going, as if to say "Just up there"). The reason you want a nonverbal response is that it shuts down future questions; you're following the Law of Least Effort, which makes you appear much more powerful than the guy, and also makes him look like he's chasing if he continues to ask you questions that he's getting much lower effort responses to - a dynamic that most guys who are street smart themselves are very attuned to, and normally respect.

The effect of this series of steps as your response is that you nonverbally communicate something along the lines of, "[scoff] Are you serious?" while continuing on your way (you never stop walking). It's a moderately powerful, dismissive statement that isn't so powerful the harasser feels the need to challenge you to save face, but it's strong enough that it lets him know you don't see him as any kind of a threat. It's essentially a signal that you are not afraid, that you reject his harassment, but that you're not going to get into some verbal battle with him because it's irrelevant to you... without going quite so far as to insult him back.

I have personally found this to be THE single most effective way of dealing with people yelling stuff out at you whom you'd really rather not engage with. It's superior to:

  • Ignoring them (you look weak, and like an easy target)

  • Insulting them back (you may force them to confront you to save face)

  • Being friendly and nice (you don't want a dialogue with these people - you have nothing to gain, and everything to lose - they will find some way to con you if you try to hang out with them as their friend)

Instead, you just make eye contact, give them a bit of "Sheesh!" acknowledgment, and then continue on your way.


#7: When Approached

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If you're minding the above instructions, you will rarely if ever actually be approached. The few times you are, though, respond this way:

  • Take instant initiative. Your approacher is assuming he has the initiative, and will be in charge of the interaction. You can spook him, off-balance him, put him on his heels, and even make him doubt, reconsider, and scrap whatever his plans were by instantly seizing the initiative and trying to TAKE from HIM, instead of passively waiting to see what he does with you.

  • Be loud, deep, and energetic. Again, as when talking with friends in bad parts of town, when you interact with him, speak in a LOUD, deep voice, and with a big smile and lots of energy coming through your voice and person - make it as much friendly-but-physically-imposing energy as you possibly can... imagine the giant football linebacker or rugby flanker who greets you in a friendly tone, but has an air of powerful dominance behind him nevertheless.

  • Ask him his name. This is the first thing you do to put him off-balance and get him complying with you. It also breaks down the "other" barrier and makes you people to each other, instead of strangers - once you trade names, it becomes much harder for him to view you as some nameless mark. This also makes it more difficult for him to rob you or confront you - you now know his name (you can finger him to the police), and he now knows yours (does he really want to do something bad to this new but friendly person he now knows?).

  • Ask him which way [X] is. We're not scanning, because we don't want to look like we're not from around there, but we're not lying and pretending we absolutely are. And if he's approaching, he clearly doesn't buy it that you are from there - so don't pretend anyway. Instead, ask him where [X] is - and [X] can be anything. It could be a street you need to get to, or a convenience store. Anything. Try to make it something he'll know of, because if he says, "I don't know," that's negative compliance, and you'll have to ask him about something else, or say, "Is it this way? I'm pretty sure it's this way. Well, I'll find it!" and then continue, which isn't quite as strong as if you enlist him in helping you.

  • Thank him for his help, then continue on your way. Once he's given you some help finding what you're looking for, OR he's said he doesn't know but you've given your own directions, thank him for his help (again, in a LOUD, deep, friendly and powerful voice, with a big, broad, powerful smile) - "Great! Thanks for your help!" or "Well - thanks for your help anyway!" - and then continue on your way (still walking slowly). Because the interaction has ended, he will be in violation of the Law of Least Effort if he now pursues you and tries to reopen; he'll also feel socially dominated to have approached you for a purpose, then had you seize control of the interaction, get him to comply (or have you imply compliance in the event he tells you he doesn't know), and then end the interaction without him achieving his purpose for approaching. He's usually just going to go back to where he was, rather than re-open you and potentially be socially dominated again (if he does, you just start grilling him / deep diving him on various things as you continue to walk, and he's forced to keep up with you and answer your questions, continuing to remain off-balance, until he gets tired of it and gives up).

In this way, you deny your approacher the chance to steer the conversation toward whatever he wants to steer it toward, and almost everyone who approaches you directly is going to try and steer a conversation toward his demands, rather than running up to you and sticking a gun in your face like they do in the movies.

If you dominate the interaction socially here, your accoster is not able to ever reach his demands. And, he will leave the interaction feeling dominated, intimidated, and wondering what on Earth just happened.


#8: When Attacked

There are basically four different "attacking" situations:

  1. You discover someone trying to pickpocket you
  2. One guy attacks you (alone, or while friends look on)
  3. A group of guys attack you (together, at once)
  4. One or a group of guys brandish weapons at you

Here's how I'd recommend you deal with each in a street smart way:

  1. Pickpockets: when I've discovered pickpockets, the first thing I do is grab their arms so they cannot escape (which is what they always try to do), then yell and swear at them in my loudest, angriest, deepest, most terrifying voice imaginable. Pickpockets are usually small, thin, and often young, and they're used to people not noticing them. You scare the living crap out of them when you do this, and put them far off balance. Take back anything they took, then chase them off.

  2. One guy attacks you: the best thing you can do here is get out of the thick of it (e.g., throw him off if he's grabbing you), create some distance, and then look both big and angry but also puzzled, like, "What the heck was THAT?" if he has friends who aren't getting involved, they will usually pull him off of you and break it up. YOU DO NOT WANT TO RE-ENGAGE. If you do, the friends may perceive you as an aggressor and pile on. If you look angry but quizzical, the friends will assume you're a pretty tough guy to be annoyed, rather than flustered or, alternately, raging, and instead will tell their boy to cool off. Just back up, look at the guy like, "WTF???" and let his friends drag him away, allowing both of you to save face. Shake your head and walk away.

  3. A group of guys attack you: I haven't had to deal with this one, but I've had a few friends who have, and the best advice here is just "fight them off, then run like hell." I took a class with a guy who got jumped by four hoods in a New York City alleyway, who beat him with boards and a steel pipe until he decked a few of them and ran off. A short walk-in to the hospital E.R. and he was in mint condition, minus a couple of unsightly bumps and bruises (the girls certainly liked them, though).

  4. One or a group of guys brandish weapons at you: if you can run, run. The time for walking slowly and looking tough is over - just get out of there pronto. They might just be trying to spook you, or they might be working themselves up to rob you - don't stick around to find out. If they've got you cornered, give them what they want (money, shoes, coat, etc.). Even most people trained in disarming weapons won't mess around when facing down a knife or a gun in person - it's just too easy to make one mistake and lose your life. Hand over your wallet, then get out of that area and cancel your credit cards. You can always get new ones - you can't get a new shot at life once yours has been snuffed out.

Basically, if it's one guy, get him off of you and scare him or create separation. If it's more than one, just get the hell out of there - you're not going to trigger them to protect themselves from you at that point, and sticking around much longer is a losing proposition for you.


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The other side of the coin from triggering potential accosters' "protect" shields is thwarting their "get" drive. You do this by making it seem like you have nothing really worth getting - nothing worth overcoming all the "protect" triggers you're setting off in their minds for, anyway.

A helpful way of thinking about "get" is like this: depending on how much and what kinds of value you show about yourself, you can trigger "get" responses in ANYONE of some sort or another. A girl who's a gold digger might have "get" kick in when she notices you cleaning up at poker in a Las Vegas casino; and an ordinarily law-abiding citizen might be tempted to take your briefcase and run if he or she learns you have $500,000 in cash inside of it, and your attention is called away from keeping an eye on it for a moment by some distraction in the distance.

There are two key ways of reducing / removing the "get" response in others:

  • Have nothing they want to get, and
  • Make it way too hard for them to get it if you DO have something

Let's talk about each.


#1: Have Nothing Worth Getting

Obviously, if you park a Lamborghini in the middle of the 'hood, you're asking to get robbed. Even if you just drive one through and stop at a red light, you're asking for it. A piece of advice my father received when taking a management job in a plant located in a bad part of town was, "Don't stop at the stop signs - nobody does anyway, the police don't enforce them, and people will run up to your car and rob you if you obey the signs because they'll know you're not from there." Understandably, he doesn't stop at stop signs when traveling through that part of town.

Following this advice means you don't wear flashy, expensive-looking clothes into bad areas. In fact, you don't wear NEW clothes at all - those shoes might've only been $15, but if they're brand new, they'll look shiny and flashy and people are going to want them. You're probably better off wearing a dingy old beat-up pair of $100 shoes through a bad part of town than a pair of shiny new $15 ones.

It also means you don't brandish your smart phone or other expensive possessions in dangerous places. Someone suspecting you have a smart phone and someone knowing you do are two very different things. A friend of mine who was listening to an audiobook on a crowded train with his white iPhone earbuds in his ears suddenly had his audiobook cut off, and when he looked down to check why, his phone was gone - someone had seen the cord, gently used it to pull the phone up, out of his pocket, disconnected it, and ran. My friend tried to run after the guy he saw running away from the train (the guy had picked the moment just when the doors opened, and a mass of people was struggling to get off the train and another mass struggling to get on), but he couldn't make it through the crowd and the thief got away.

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When I know I'm going to be going somewhere dangerous, I do the street smart thing and leave everything at home except a little bit of money and the key to my apartment or hotel room. You will never 100% prevent having your pocket picked, even if you're the most vigilant guy in the world; yet, this way, if anyone pickpockets you, all he'll get is some pocket change and maybe the key to a place he doesn't know the address of (although I usually put the key in the most secure place I have, and the money in the second most, if both won't fit - I'd rather lose a little money, than lose the key to my place and not be able to get in without a lot of hassle).

You can use this technique verbally to shut down people who are harassing you to buy something, or even who may be casing you as a potential robbery or pickpocketing victim: when they walk up to you trying to sell you something, just respond with this: "No money - can you do [5% of the price they asked for]?" they'll act disgusted and wave you off - then, you chase them and repeat, "No money - [5% of the asking price]?" Because you're now chasing, they'll now wave you off more aggressively and more annoyed, and go into auto-rejection, acting disgusted with you. You can then happily leave, with them insulted that you valued their merchandise so low, and you clearly marked as someone with nothing worth taking to everyone in earshot.


#2: Make It Really Hard to Get Anything from You

A good way of thinking "make it hard to get things" is thinking about an armored car - there's a lot of money in there, yeah, but there's also a lot of armor on there, and a couple of guys with shotguns - anyone who might be tempted to snag a bag of cash for himself if it were all just sitting unguarded out in the open won't even have the thought enter his mind when it's sitting behind armor-plated truck walls and guarded by security agents with show-stopping firepower.

I stopped putting my wallet in my back pocket a long time ago, even though I did it from childhood through into my teenage years. It's simply too easily lifted back there. Instead, anything I must carry with me I carry in my front pants pockets - and then, any time I need added security, I just hook my hands into my pockets too.

I've had times I've had people approach me whom I could tell were trying to distract me, which is how many pickpocket teams work - one distracts, the other picks. I mostly ignore the distracters, while plunging my hands into my pockets and putting my fingers around all valuables, and looking around immediately for an accomplice, while preparing to use my feet to defend myself (read: kick the annoying distraction person standing there in front of me).

On my computer case, I have a combination lock. Many people have laughed at that and called me paranoid, and others have said a lock only attracts thieves, and you're better off without one - but I don't call it paranoid; I just call it street smart. That combination lock is the only reason I haven't been successfully pickpocketed when carrying that bag. I caught a guy in Mongolia with his arm deep into the front pocket of the bag while I was carrying it against my back one night in the rain - but the most valuable thing in that part of the bag was a $2 Bic pen. Everything of value I keep in the main compartment - and that compartment I keep locked up at all times, except when my computer is out and I'm working on it. A lock isn't a magical impenetrable device; if someone stole the whole bag, he could cut through the material of the bag, or clip off the lock with a pair of bolt cutters. However, for someone who's relying on me simply not paying attention for a few seconds to get the compartment open and run off with a $1600 computer or my passport or reserve cash, it's simply not going to happen.

Continuing to keep walking is another one that's invaluable for thwarting anyone trying to get something from you. In tourist trap countries where locals suck in tourists by calling out to them or asking them if they want to buy something, I'm amazed at how many American, European, and Australian tourists I see stop and pay attention to the people calling out to them, because they are too polite to keep walking. There's nothing there that these tourists want - they have nothing to gain, and everything to lose. The tourist fleecers survive 100% on overly-polite tourists who feel morally obligated to stop and pay attention to anyone addressing them, then get sucked into sob stories or sales pitches for things they don't really need. You'll notice that the people targeting tourists NEVER target locals - because if they ever do, the locals just ignore them and keep walking. That's the same thing you need to do when you're around people trying to get your attention - whether they're criminals, or people who are just looking to help make your wallet a little lighter by selling you stuff you neither need nor want.

Most people will not chase after you to sell you anything. If they do, you just wave them off and shake your head (or, if they're people who are potentially criminals, you do the "engage them high energy with a deep, loud voice and keep them on their heels with lots of questions and compliance requests" thing we talked about earlier).


Immaterial "Get"

It's worth remembering that "get" can mean more than just money and possessions, too - some people will harass you because they are social ladder climbers and want to use tooling you as a rung on their journey to self-ascension. Or, coworkers may be trying to get hints or help from you that they will then turn around and use to enhance their own presentations without due credit to you, using your work to elevate themselves in the corporate ladder. Even family members may try to get concessions out of you to elevate their position within the family.

In the case of people trying to get immaterial things from you (as opposed to money and possessions), the first section on triggering their "protect" shields is often your best and most effective defense. That's because people who are status vampires will tend to look for "easy prey", since the act of stealing status is not a one-way street - if you successfully thwart their efforts to pirate your status, the end result is invariably a reverse transfer of status - from them to you. Do a sufficient job communicating your social dominance, and most people won't even both trying - they don't want to risk the status hit you're liable to put on them for their efforts.

These still generally fall in the domain of "street smarts", because they deal with people trying to railroad, take from, or control you in messy situations - though they aren't the traditional "ruffian in a dark alleyway" sort of street smarts the term originally emerged for.


Street Smarts Essentials

street smarts

So those are our two sides of street smarts:

  1. "Protect" and
  2. "Get"

Keeping yourself safe on the street is all about triggering "protect" instincts (to make your potential attackers instead take measure to protect themselves from you) while not triggering "get" instincts (to avoid any unnecessary temptation).

To trigger "protect":

  1. Walk slowly and powerfully
  2. Don't scan the street, buildings, or other people as you walk
  3. Frown and look scary, except around cohesive groups of roughnecks
  4. Keep distractions (smart phones, earbuds) off and tucked away
  5. When with friends, talk loudly, deeply, and energetically
  6. When dealing with people calling after you, acknowledge, then keep going
  7. When being approached, take the initiative and keep him off-balance
  8. When attacked, defend if it's one person and you can; otherwise, escape

To not trigger "get":

  1. Have nothing on you that people will want to get
  2. Make it so obviously hard to get things from you that people don't bother

Your social awareness is every bit as important in dangerous areas as it is anywhere else - perhaps even more so, since your possessions and, possibly, even your life may sometimes be at stake.

Keep your wits about you; know your street smarts up, down, left, right, and in between; and most of all, just steer clear of dangerous or compromising situations whenever you reasonably can.

Nevertheless, should you find yourself in them... you now have the tools to handle them with confidence.

Yours,
Chase

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com

Comments

Anonymous's picture

passion


Hello,
in one article you mentioned you are (were) of the most dispassionate person. Did this help you be more passionate? I mean like you once said you stood in the crossway in the street and let cars swing around you. I am this analytic, calculating person, I think I am grounded person. That I do not just flip out, go crazy emotionally. But that might be because I am introverted. But second conclusion might be also that I am not passionate. I am think I have passion in sports, when I play with friends I am usually into that and when I do some great move I get emotional boost - confidence, inner pride, self-respect and such things. Until then I am just inhibited and feel like one of the many in the field.
When do I have to start being passionate with girls? In bed? On dates? The first time I meet them?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: passion

Author

Anon-

Passion you want to begin conveying with women immediately - there are several ways to do that effectively, though for me effectively it's mostly through eye contact and facial expressions.

As for learning it, standing in the middle of traffic does not help you to become more passionate (might help you to become more dead... I was merely fortunate when I pulled that and other stunts off - only takes one nudge from one car to turn you into a pinball bouncing back and forth between cars and ultimately getting run over); for me, it was mostly about simulating the right emotions at the right times - eventually I trained myself to FEEL those emotions at the appropriate times; so, mostly just training, same as anything else.

I do have this down for an upcoming article... so when I get around to that, you can expect more on it!

Chase

lucifer's picture

Standing in the middle of the road..


.. That and walking in the rough part of town on purpose, as it seemed, definitely aroused my curiosity :).

I was doing a bit the same, putting a bag on my shoulder and setting off without phone, time tables and similar and most thought I was crazy/interesting and liked it, but actually I pushed myself to go through it.

What was that for in your case, where you trying to learn/test something in particular?

Zac's picture

The best article since "The last post you'll ever need"


Chase,

I hope this spread across somewhat. I believe this will help, and i definitely use some of this stuff here.What you write here can keep wallet in pockets and put yourself in lesser trouble.

I am surprised, because i am not as well travelled as you, but which country and city really that dangerous? or perhaps places like alleyways which is what you mean. You noted long time ago was Mongolia, the club incident where punching occured.

Zac

Chase Amante's picture

Dangerous Places

Author

Zac-

Some parts of poor, urban American cities (Baltimore, Camden, Compton, etc.) I've visited are relatively dangerous. I walked alone through the slums of Baltimore when it was the U.S.'s murder capital when I was in high school (my parents were furious when I told them, and still bring it up when they feel like questioning my judgment - though I can't say I blame them). Some parts of Washington, D.C., my old home and the States's current murder capital, are pretty bad; I walked through an especially bad part one night with a black friend built like a football linebacker, and he was jumping out of his skin the entire time (I had to tell him to calm down, unless he wanted to attract the very people he was afraid of right to us).

Outside of the U.S., I've done Makati, Manila, where virtually everywhere is guarded by men with assault rifles (a friend warned me not to go outside at night without a Filipino with me, and I obeyed; he said go out with a Filipino, and no one will touch you, but go out alone, and you stand a good chance of being ganged up on); Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia, where musclebound men with nothing to lose get into street fights even in broad daylight, sometimes ending up in 3- or 4-on-1 brawls that not everybody survives; Lima, Peru, where there are metal bars on everything, more guards with guns, and robbery is extremely common; and other places. I'd planned to do Bogotá, Colombia a while back, on a semi-permanent basis, but a few friends warned me you'd still get ganged up on by guys with knives and one friend said half the foreigners he met in Columbia had been robbed. Certain parts of Eastern Europe I hear are bad, and much of Africa is supposedly especially bad - some parts of Africa you're ill-advised to bring women back to your residence, because they will have weapons on them or will call in their friends to come relieve you of your belongings.

Basically, there are plenty of places that you don't need to be so on-guard... but there are plenty where it's good to be on your toes, too.

Chase

Jonas's picture

Hello, I sorry for not


Hello,
I sorry for not commenting on the topic.
This morning, I stumbled to a profile of some guy on Facebook because his profile picture looked like those wedding pictures, where he and the bride share a light kiss in arms of others. So I wanted to see it better. The girl he is with is a girl I am madly in love with. I met her in class 2 years ago and she kinda seemed perfect. She is really not ordinary. I realized I really am no match for her but that photo gave me the most painful back-freeze. The reason is I sometimes talk to her in my head, when I read your articles, I am visualisating it with her in conversation. I thought kinda never thought about consequences of this.

The guy is cool, he seems very sociable and likable. The problem is this feeling of how women have it easier in life. And I cant shake it off. I used to think and tried to convice myself that they do not. How they always wonder, how men lie to them, how job interviews are harder and getting a job is harder, how they are bombarded by standards of beauty.
But now I realized they do not have to care about this shitty anxiety. They have their girlfriends with whom they can talk and talk, they laugh and have fun. While we guys usually see each other maybe once a week or sometimes even a month because we have a lot of shit to do.
I mean they have this foundation that some of us just do not, they are objects of desire because of their beauty and are socially calibrated because they had some advantage early in life and now they just profit. My semester started 3 months ago, I have no time to see my friends, I might exchange couple of messages on Facebook but that does not cover my social needs. I mean I am alone and these girls never know what it is like. Even thought I feel great when I see her, the moment we part our ways I feel horrible. Because the moment is gone, I dont know when I will see someone I like again and such things. When I try to come up with some night outting people usually tell me they are busy, cant make it and such.

But the real problem I writing all this is I am really becoming sick of this and am about to start hating all these girls. Why the fuck should I show my best self to them just so they can put me in their boxes in their lifes and get to the wheel of the current or even the future possible relationship I have or will have with them? I am starting to think that their whole behaviour is just a pretending, a mask. They all say things and do complete opposite. They make you feel like you are someone unique to them and then they ditch you, give you some shit excuse. I am becoming really bitter over this and I do not really know what to do. I just dont want to feel this frustration and be resentful but when will it be next time some girl does this to me? How am I supposed to defend myself against this when I do not have that much experiences with women. With those who are always bombarded with tons of attention, invitations, opportunities. Those who have their basic social needs met. As a guy my duty is to create these opportunities for myself and it seems that I should also create opportunities for others. But noone creates them for me and I am like, why should I offer something, even me and my time and kindness and good will to someone who then DECIDES if he wants to take it or not.
When I approach, they play games, flake, they basically take the wheel and control the whole shitty mating process because they have the vagina and their basic social needs are met so they just sit back with hands under head and pick. We do the same and disqualify them even before we approach, yes. But they just take our mental investment, our emotions tied to the whole proces of courting and manipulate it for their own personal needs. And that is what bothers me. I understand they want best guy. I sadly even understand that they like attention, they want back ups but I feel like I am gonna explode, start hatting them all for this, even thought I can see their point of view and just forget all that and start being selfish. Become a jerk. Real asshole just to women.

I am realizing this comes from a point of giant frustration.
I realize that many things I typed here happened because of my own mistakes and are my fault. There are so many variables that play role in what I just desribed. But bear with me, please.

Where am I supposed to get the innter, mental strenght in order to become more social, better in these things and get to the level of these girls, if I have no place where I can replenish my strenght? My social energy? When I talk to friends (guys - females really do not like me) about this shit, they just say "dude, just some bitch, let it go. *to others* So the game last night... bla bla" So I end up doing things alone like working out, running, riding bike. When a girl has guy problem, she just talks about that shit with her friends, they make her feel better. They go to club and have fun and she WILL forget pretty soon.

But we, the underdogs, we have no foundation, we have to build it first and I am not really sure how to do that. And if we do not have that much of mental energy we are quite doomed because we need more time to refill. I have been on 76 dates in my life (I am 23), it never went to anything. Some liked me, some did not. Some played games, some just ditched me.

I just do not know how to fix my social needs. I feel I need more friends first, but... you kinda better not be a loser if you want to hang out with someone. And your advise on this was "frontload your value". But what value? Personal value? Material value? All these people I get in contact with have this foundation of friends already. It feels like giant catch-22 to me. And makes me question everything I do, everything I have done because there are no real results to it. And it is even harder to think about that if I am frustrated like this. I mean, people who have friends are cool and not worried that much because they have friends and have someone they can hang out, talk to, share ideas. And then, there is me, the lone wolf, who only makes good first impression because I learnt how to mask the shitty side of me. I laught with people in class, we joke around, tease each other and then the class ends. I am not able to see what people need, what they want. Suggesting someting to them seems out of place for me.

I am at the bottom now. Like in a well without water, looking at the top where everyone else is, happy, jiggley with others. And I want to just stay there, in the mud, sitting alone. While the second part is telling me this shit is horrible and I should climb up. Or like doing some crazy shit but that will help me only shor term, not long therm, because it does not solve the problem.

Chase Amante's picture

The Battle Within

Author

Jonas-

I understand. I went through exactly the same thing, and had the same emotions, looking up at what *seemed* like everybody else living amazing, wonderful lives, and there I was, the ONLY guy left on the outside.

There's you - the guy with nothing, who doesn't get it, who's left out. And there's everybody else, laughing and smiling and having it great.

You don't realize until you make it to the other side, but most of the people who look like they're having it great are dealing with mountains of their own problems; they're just doing okay enough that they're able to pretend like everything's happy and swell, which they kind of have to do, because if you let on that you're scared for the future or don't know what you want or feeling sad or rejected or depressed, people start running away from you like you've got the plague.

If I had to rank the levels of happiness of people in ascending order, I'd rank it something like this:

  • Guys without social success at the bottom (you're lonely and life sucks)
  • Regular, average girls
  • Regular, average guys
  • Top caliber girls
  • Top caliber guys

Regular girls want regular guys, but can't hold onto them... though at least they get plenty of attention from guys with no social success, and the regular guys sleep with them and date them sometimes.

Regular guys want top caliber (really hot) girls, but can't get them... but at least they have some success with regular girls.

Top caliber girls want top caliber guys, but can't get them... though they get plenty of attention from regular guys, and the top caliber guys sleep with them and date them sometimes.

Top caliber guys basically just do whatever they want.

The challenge is making the transition from "no social success" to "top caliber guy" - which you can do, and which just turns your happiness levels on your head - you go from "nothing" to "everything", just about. Only thing is, it isn't overnight, and takes a LOT of work.

I'd probably recommend starting out with these articles - it sounds like your biggest challenge right now is not the battle without, but the battle within:

If you can bite off what's in those two and tackle them head on, you'll start seeing movement in a positive direction in every other area of your life purely as a side effect of this.

Chase

Jonas's picture

Thank you.


Thank you.

Whiz kid's picture

Great article chase


As a practioner of brazilian jiujitsu I treat the act and study of self defense very important. And while I'm sure I could take one unarmed attacker easily lots of situations require just avoiding if possible!

Bar's picture

Thanks chase


I was one of the people that ask fot that article..
to my regret, I didn't had time to read you recent articles, it's so time consuming (but good time :D),
But, added it to my reading queue at the top..

Thank you.

titch's picture

Thank you


This article came at a great time. My travels begin in exactly one month and I've been quite worried about being mugged. One night about one month ago I ended up having to walk home alone after being out at the club, and I thought I was in a safe part of town but the guy came out and took all my stuff. Was unsettling but at least I'm a lot wiser about it now!

Marty's picture

Wanton pickpocketing


Chase, this was a most interesting article that in some surprising ways ties in with the social dynamics described on the remainder of this site (opening, auto-rejection, compliance testing etc.)—which just shows that these are generic human social patterns (or even primate ones) rather than being exclusively sexual.

Your recommendations make perfect sense (I find I do a lot of it already, but I still learned quite a bit) and make me want to head the other side of the tracks right now to try it out! Kidding, of course :)

What you related about your days in Mongolia with a man literally trying to lift your computer off your back reminded me of a similar occasion in my own life. About 10 years ago, I was INSIDE a Moscow late-night restaurant at about midnight when I caught a man with his hand inside the pocket of my sportcoat which was hanging on the back of my chair. And this was in a city where practically every office building, store and entertainment venue has ARMED security at the door.

Continuing to follow your site with relish and curiosity!

-Marty

Anonymous's picture

Japanese Women ~ could she be a virgin?


Hi Chase,

Recently I met a japanese woman who is approaching 30 and she is older than me by 6 years. She's a business school girl studying here at my university and I have gone out for a total of 3 dates with her, (2 dinner dates and 1 lunch date).

For all three cases, when I tried to go in for a hug initially, she would not even reciprocate and she seemed uncomfortable with even a hug. I told her one time to touch my face since it was very cold (for fun) and she used the back of her hand to briefly touch it hesitantly. Other than this, she seems like a very engaging girl and speaks quite emphatically.

She has lived with her parents all her life in Japan until recently moving to the united states about 4 months ago to study her MBA. I have HEARD that Japanese women can be very unconservative in bed but I just have no idea how to deal with her.

Both times at dinner, she seemed uncomfortable with any touch that I just gave up asking her home thinking it would be too much. Now I have a winter break and would like to see her again but don't know exactly what to do since I dont want her to potentially freak out if I take her home, try to put a move on her and she's not on the same level as me.

Also, with older Japanese women (29-30), would they have friendzoned me at this point if I didn't make a move? Thank you Chase!

Marty's picture

Japanese and touching


Hey Anon,

I do not want to interfere before Chase has a chance to respond to you, however I couldn't help noticing this issue and wanted to contribute to the discussion—I take it you're aware of Japanese cultural norms regarding touch? See article below for example.

http://www.japaneserelationship.com/physical-contact-and-japanese-women/

That said I am taking a backseat now and extremely interested to hear what Chase has to say on the issue.

-Marty

Chase Amante's picture

Hugging and Touch

Author

Anon-

Hugging is a very platonic / "just friends" type of gesture - I think it's tolerated by women in America / Western Europe, because of all the equality that attempts to remove sex from the equation as much as possible, but for a woman coming from an area where women are women and men are men it can be kind of disconcerting - are you treating her like your sister? Are you trying to cop a feel (as Japanese men are wont to do)? What's the purpose of this gesture?

I understand the intention behind it - when I was just starting out, I used to hug girls too - a hug is a pretty full-on amount of touch, right? That was the reasoning, anyway. You're actually better off keep touch casual, light, and incidental, rather than going for a hug... those are best saved for female friends (sometimes), relatives, and long-term girlfriends who need some emotional reassurance because something bad happened.

I'd recommend checking out the articles on the site here about touch - there's a lot you can do with it, so long as you're doing it right; start with the first article here, and work your way down:

  1. 7 Ways to Touch a Girl + 3 Ways to Have HER Touch YOU
  2. Book Excerpts: 4 Ways for Touching Women
  3. Tactics Tuesdays: How to Touch Women (the Scientific Way)
  4. Book Excerpts: Mastering Sexual Touch

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Baby Face Tips


Great article as always Chase!

Do you have any special advice for those of us who suffer from a terrible case of baby face. I look a lot younger than I am and I feel like I have a "please rob me" type face. My "intimidating" face always yields a lot of laughter from my friends.

Basically, what can a thinner, younger looking, and not very intimidating person do? I imagine we can follow some of the advice, but is there anything additional you can recommend (aside from the obvious, avoiding the situation)?

Anonymous's picture

Extending the baby face question to seduction


Not trying to hijack your question, but it'd be nice if Chase could extend his answers to seduction as well. I find it rather disadvantageous to have a baby face in the context of social interaction and seduction, despite being in my late 20s I still look like a teenager and as such are often not being taken seriously (except professionally, where my competence and abilities have already been established).

That said, many women that I am interested in look much older/mature than me despite the fact that they are a lot younger than me in terms of actual age. Tried having a stubble but perhaps being Asian my beard doesn't grow very well, and it doesn't really complement my look to be honest (I'm more of the rocker type looks wise). My improved confidence and rather calm demeanour seem to help a bit but for now it seems to offset my boyish look slightly rather than helping to project a dominant vibe.

So it'd be interesting if Chase has any advice for a tall, thin, boyish looking person that people usually don't take him seriously especially at first sight?

Chase Amante's picture

Baby Face

Author

Anon (& Anon)-

The solution for "baby face" is mostly cosmetic - getting facial hair that makes you look tough/older (a chinstrap or fuller beard, if you can grow them); hairstyles that make you look older (grow your hair out a bit, then visit a good stylist and tell him to give you a cut that makes you look both sexy and older/distinguished); clothes (suits are a good one for adding age - stay away from t-shirts, usually, as these can drop a good decade off your apparent age); and muscles (pack 'em on and you just look more dominant - older if you look young, and more youthful if you look older; it's basically impossible to look like a kid when you have a neck as thick as a tree trunk).

You can also practice speaking with a slower, deeper voice (as deep as you can naturally go without straining your voice or sounding unnatural), and using lots of pauses that slow down your speech. Also, move more slowly - gestures, walking speed, how fast you turn your head, move your eyes, and even blink. How fast you chew. How fast you drum your fingers when you do that. Everything.

A good way of thinking about it is "ratchet up your dominance indicators" such that people start becoming age-blind to you; so that they don't see age... all they see is dominance.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Getting over love


Chase really think I need a bit of help with this one and your the best person I know to ask.

How do I get over a girl I used to love a year ago? It was my first true love and the fact that I never actually told her because I felt to nervous makes it even harder.

It's so annoying the way I keep thinking back etc etc, would be nice to move on?

Thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Getting over love

Troy's picture

Dangerous Situations


Hey Chase,

Superb article. this article basically cleared up my answers on dealing with dangerous men and situations as i commented on " Navigating the Culture of Me
", Article. i saw your reply and i had a few questions to ask based on your comment to me and this article.

1) You stated that in dangerous situations i remove anything that is a "get" for someone. When it comes to me peacocking my fashion to meet girls, does that mean that everytime i will have to leave my house with raggy old clothes and a old bag with my good clothes to change off when i reace safer places. This sounds really stressful but safety comes first i guess! What are your thoughts on this situation?

2) If a group of guys have already seem me afraid of them, do all the slow walking still apply when they run see me and cat call/ insult after me?

3) If the dangerous guys were to see me and shout out to me "yo gay man or yo b***yman or yo youth who a kiss up him man", how should i answer in these situations when walking past them. when it comes to highly offensive insults like these, how do i react with body language, nonverbals and replying to the offenders?

Any advice is greatly appreiated! Thanks!

Troy!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Dangerous Situations

Author

Troy-

Removing all things of value from your person depends how dangerous the situation is. That said, I think you said before that you fear for your life, so that's one where I'd definitely say that it's best to just have nothing on you that people want if you must keep going through that (though, again, if you legitimately fear for your life, it does NOT make sense staying in that situation - you need to do whatever you can to get somewhere safer, because no cost is greater than your life).

Slow walking isn't going to make a difference if people already know who you are and have decided you're a mark. Anything differently you do from that point forward will just seem like you're trying to pretend you're different now, and will invite testing to find out whether this is backed up by reality or not - you'll only invite tougher scrutiny by changing things up now. Not something to do unless you know you can back it up with legitimate toughness that will hold up under whatever pressure they put you under. If you aren't sure of that, don't invite the added scrutiny - just keep doing what you're doing.

Re: insults, the best thing you can do is what's prescribed for this in the article. Don't engage with them; don't fight back; don't COMPLETELY ignore them, either. Just give them very moderate acknowledgment, and act like, "Geez."

Chase

Troy's picture

Ex Girlfriends Becoming Friends with Them


Hey Chase.

Ive got a question regarding to an exgirlfriend of mine. My objective with her in my life now is to move her into a friend zone and friends with benefits where we can mostly hang out but if i want sex then i can get it. WQe broke up in december 2012 and were together for two months. since we broke up, i have been texting and calling every now and again since then. i followed the no contact rule for most of the time so maybe every 2 months i would contact her ( and it was a struggle ). she never contacts me and i feel bad about this. so i decided to cut contact with her and its been two months now. my questions are:

1) How do i get my exgirl to come meet me for lunch?
2) I didnt sleep with her during the time we were together. i regret not doing it when she wanted sex( that is why i think she left me) because i didnt have my logistics sorted out not even a condom on me. how do i get her to sleep with me and close the deal?

3) If she doesnt reply to my calls and texts, how do i finally move on from her and take her out my life completely?

4) I still havent changed myself fully into an attractive man yet. this girl got me so upset that i finally decided to do something about my attractiveness should i meet up with my exgirl if she says yes and nothing much has really changed with me since? i want to remain friends with my exgirlfriends so how do i go about continuing to have these girls in my life as friends?

5) How do i get my exgirls to contact me first?

6) Chase, you talk about having a greater purpose in life than getting girls. now i find myself thinking about girls obssesively. i think it may be because i know that i should be improving my skill set with girls since i am at the bottom of that scale now but i keep pushing it away to do other things with my life. do you think this is a normal gut level instinct that is telling me to start meeting girls right now or else my thoughts wont go towards doing other things in my life until i hit getting girls and my social life down cold? what are your thoughts on this mindset situation?

7) I know you talk about forgetting about exgirls, girls that i havent slept with but i still want to remain friends with these girls. why do you say its a time waste to deal with and come back in contact with an exgirlfriend? correct me if im wrong here please, im not sure if thats exactly how you put it!

Thanks Chase!

-Troy

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Ex Girlfriends Becoming Friends with Them

Author

Troy-

This is one I don't feel properly equipped to help out with, unfortunately. Partly it's because I realize it's a high school situation, where the rules are probably different than in "real life"; the other is that she's an ex you weren't sexual with... for me, in my lifetime, if I failed to sleep with a girl, she was off my radar, more or less, and it was onto the new one.

So I'm not sure how you'd get back a girl who left you for not sleeping with her, then convert her into a friend and maybe sleep with her later on - that one's way outside my realm of experiences! You might try posing the question to the boards (think I saw a similar question to this from you on there, in fact) - there might be someone with a similar experience who can more competently weigh in.

Chase

cking's picture

scan less but scan better. an


scan less but scan better.
an exercise my instructor got me to do was to focus on a stop for 5 seconds and then close my eyes. he would ask questions about the lay out of the room, the exits, groups of people, improvised weapons etc.

once keyed in your subconscious knows the answers.

try asking it who is dtf, assuming you have trained it to realise what dft looks like

jared's picture

One of the best articles IVe


One of the best articles IVe ever read. Thorough and extremely useful. It really takes things to a whole another level. I am wondering though how long does it take a weak, submissive Guy to become strong, dominant man? Is a gradual change more effective or one where you force the other extreme and "fake it til you make it?" Is the key to success just sheer will power...

Chase Amante's picture

Time to Change

Author

Jared-

It's different for everybody. Depends on where you're starting out from, where you're trying to get to, how much you're working on your skill set, how far outside your comfort zone you're pushing and how often, and a lot more. Some guys who seem weak are actually quite strong on the inside and just need to drop the "shell" of over politeness / retreating tendencies they've picked up somewhere along the way; other guys who appear outwardly strong have soft, weak interiors that take a lot longer to solidify (especially if those interiors rarely get tested because the guy does a good job keeping them protected).

A good rule of thumb if you're trying to toughen up your inner mettle is to gradually put yourself in increasingly more challenging, high stress situations - not necessarily physically dangerous ones, but mentally challenging ones, doing things you are frightened to do (speaking or acting on stage in front of a large audience; cold calling random people you don't know; walking up to the hottest girl in the bar and opening her direct; starting your own business with no safety net; etc.). Anything that stretches you and tests you to the point where you feel like you're either going to break or burn out, so long as it doesn't completely destroy you, will see you coming out on the other end a much wiser, much stronger, and more more certain man than the one that went in.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase well done on this


Chase well done on this article as usual. Iv'e been running into a few issues that are driving me a little crazy.Girls are auto rejecting me very quickly,acting cold,distant,and sometimes rude. People have told me I have model type looks.Im now also dressing a lot better with nicer looking clothes. The thing is though I am not usually attracted to the model type girls,im more into girls that are curvy with cute faces. Am I hitting these girls in the face with value or something like that? It feels like I should stop working on fundamentals,cause the more i improve myself the less results i get,or maybe that not the issue at all,im not sure. Could it be im not communicating interest soon enough?maybe i should work on slow sexy smiles instead of other things. Anyways theres to many I's in this comment,im not trying to boast at all.Im just frustrated that it feels like theres not enough time to communicate attainability to these girls,it's like there judging me before i start talking or engage them. I read your attainability article and I apply those things as often as i can.

Chase Amante's picture

Attainability

Author

Anon-

That's all attainability you're running into - you need a lot more of it. You don't want to tone down your fundamentals; what you want instead is the kind of warmth and accessability as a person that even a really ugly girl could meet you and feel right away like you were peering into her soul and saw the beauty in her. It's something you'll notice a lot of male movie stars have going on - they'd probably face auto-rejection in droves if they didn't.

These articles are probably the best ones on the site for helping you get this one down:

Chase

Gem's picture

Moving Out/Things You Can Someday Do


Hey Chase

My post here is going to be somewhat disjointed I feel but I’ll still attempt to keep it as linear as I can and not ramble too much. The questions I ask in this post are more urgent, are crucial to my progression as a man, and coming from a more solemn tone than my usual curiosity inspired questions.

I’m not very much the emotional type haha and don’t feel particularly moved to “open up” about myself, but for the sake of providing proper context and necessary background I will start from something like this.

Right now I’m 19 years old. I’m the first born child of 2 children and come from a conservative Muslim family (not too different from a conservative Christian family; it’s been fairly liberal for me growing up in the U.S. but in other ways it is still restrictive. For example here, my parents think that I have never kissed a girl and expect me to be a virgin till marriage: everything I’ve done with girls has been behind there back in that regard. Arranged marriage is very typical culturally for me but my parents are fine with me marrying outside arranged marriage so that’s chill I suppose).

I am ambitious and have a very good idea of what I want to do with my life (how to help others and how to further my own work) but am not sure of how to go about moving out.

A majority of the things I’ve done so far with my life my parents either don’t understand, or don’t relate, or couldn’t know about so I had to do it behind their back. I’m sort of fine with this I’m just not sure how to go about moving out without hurting them and still having my relationship with them be good because I love them and understand that everything they say and do is because they want the best for me (the advice given in the unconventional life article on how to handle family was pretty resourceful here but I need more of a plan I suppose of what I should do).

I wanted to quote a little from a comment of yours I had read a while back that ties in to my next bit
___________________________________________

As for my dating preferences, I usually date women with more masculine personalities, yeah. Outwardly, I prefer very feminine women -- sexy dresses, cute skirts, that sort of thing. Personality-wise, I'm quite drawn to women who can challenge me and make me better and who are highly-growth orientated, and the types of women who fall into that category tend to be women with high levels of testosterone and more masculine personality traits like competitiveness, insensitivity, high sex drives, and hot tempers.

Masculine girls are rather different in their relationships with me than they are with other men. With me, they're rather submissive and almost childlike; they have lots of questions and curiosity and view me as an authority figure and frequently want to know what I want to do so we can do it together. These same girls in their relationships with other men tend to walk all over them, tire of them easily, and not get emotionally attached to them. So, those pitfalls do exist, but I don't end up having to deal with them generally. I see a lot of other guys dealing with them, though.

For me, it seems tied to a combination of intellect, ambition, and dominance; I'm a somewhat smart dude who knows a little about a lot and has a lot of things he wants to accomplish with his life, knows exactly what he wants and what he stands for, and does what he wants and doesn't buckle and do things he doesn't want even when pressed, unlike most men. That's the way you need to be to do well with these women, but these women also help mold you into that kind of man as you spend more time with them. Women with masculine personality traits, in my estimation, will either bend you over backwards, or mold you into a more dominant, powerful man.
____________________________________________
A couple of the older women I’ve dated more seriously that were 24, 25 years old have really sort of opened my mind to my situation with moving out. With the masculine women it is exactly like you describe in the comment and I love it with the older career-oriented girls. In driving me to be a better man, one thing that I realized that both girls of mine here pointed out to me (something that I couldn’t play off and that isn’t proper here which they correctly assessed) is that I shouldn’t be paid for by my parents and how there’s something wrong in my current situation with them.

My parents pay for my school and they want me to become an engineer. Here I follow with my mouth closed. I want to be a writer and a business guy. I’m not really interested in becoming an engineer but figure that if I’m being paid for now, until I make the money I can to move out it’s easier to just stay in this situation and avoid conflict. Being a guy who does things on his own terms, both girls noted this that this is something that I shouldn’t be doing (and I realize here that it is something that makes me less of a man almost here because I’m not doing something on my own terms at least currently). I realize that I’m bad with conflict in general, that I don’t like it. By nature I like warmth and good feelings and I’m clever enough to get out of a situation that might bring about conflict but there is conflict here that needs to be addressed and I’m not sure what the proper way to go about it all should be (in that my parents aren’t hurt/my progress isn’t at the expense of our relationship).

What are your thoughts Chase on something that you can't do at a present moment but one day will do or intend to do?

When I was explaining this to my girl I had described it rather poetically my situation here as something that I can’t do at a given moment but will one day do in the future. My girl here said no like shouldn’t you do what you want and take action? I countered by explaining how where ordinarily that is something I would do, sometimes in life you don’t have the means to do what you want and you have to endure and wait till one day you have the means to do what needs to be done, struggle, and eventually makes things work out in your favor. I gave my girl the example here of how when I was a child I was always the skinniest kid in the school and that while I got on well with others I didn’t like being skinny. I knew then that I couldn’t get stronger then but was content that one day I would have the means to and that I would get stronger in a later day. My girl wasn’t completely convinced here and as eloquent and wise as my argument sounded, regarding my moving out situation, I’m not entirely sure I’m convinced here either. Action is worth more than inaction and I know that while I have been taking action around this situation indirectly perhaps something direct needs to be done.

Thank you for always taking the time to answer my comments and for any bit of resourceful advice you could give me here (and sorry if this post was rather long-winded).

-Gem

Chase Amante's picture

Family and Careers

Author

Gem-

Both you and the girl have good points, although you're both viewing the situation through your own distorted lenses: yours of some mishmash of fear, dependency, loyalty, and love, and hers, of a more removed "one situation --> one right answer" point of view that doesn't take into account the full range of emotions of all the people involved.

Engineering is a very useful "hard" skill, and you should have little trouble moving from that into business if you so choose; many of the people I worked with as business consultants in the corporate world came from engineering backgrounds, and a number of my friends who are successful entrepreneurs now trained as engineers before. Further, while you're in college, it's very easy to pick up an extra minor or two; these usually only add a few additional classes to your curriculum, and an engineering degree with a business-focused minor puts you in a very good position to navigate your way into all kinds of fields after school. I don't necessarily see this one as a conflict, and rather more just as one you've got to be a little (but not even THAT) creative with to steer it in the direction you want it to go.

Writing you can work on in your own free time - I don't know many famous writers who specifically went to school for writing. A number of them never went to university, period. I do a fair bit of writing, and people seem to think my writing is not entirely unpleasant; I had all of two classes on writing in my four years of advanced education. The rest of my classes were on things like accounting and sociology and organizational management.

It strikes me that you might be creating conflict for yourself (and your parents, and your girlfriends) where it isn't needed - rather than fight about what your major ought to be, just add the right minors and focus on directing your engineering education (which is a good background to have - I wish I had some training as an engineer; it's GREAT to be able to build stuff… just a good skill set to have) into a career in the business world (business consultant or entrepreneur are the two that spring to mind as easy hops from "engineer" to "businessman").

As for taking money from your parents… if you have a good alternate source of income, this is fine, but I question that council from those two girls. Who paid for THEIR college educations, I wonder? Personally, my parents footed the bill for much of mine, and I don't know what I would've done education- or career-wise without their support; I was working as a tire salesman before they basically forced me into school (by getting very upset, and telling me they'd pay for all of it if I'd just GO, although I did still end up with some student loans I'm still paying off).

Your parents are investing in your future because YOU are THEIR future… they want you to succeed. I went through a time in my life when I rejected all offers by my parents and family members to pay for or buy me things, but eventually I realized I was hurting them; sometimes, people just WANT to give you things or help you succeed, because it makes THEM feel good. Keep that in mind before you turn down or deny people's requests to help you out; so long as you aren't draining your parents' bank accounts or putting them in the poor house (i.e., they can afford your education all right), and the education is helping to ready you for a productive career that will help you to flourish and prosper (and one day give back to your parents, in time, money, and everything else that matters), at least in their minds, this is probably the best investment of that money they can make, and a big part of the reason they've been working so hard their lives in the first place: to see you lead a better life, with more opportunity, and more success.

Chase

Balla's picture

Good Black Guy Game


Hey Chase can you give me a few more examples of good black guy game? Im very direct and I want to use this because indirect isn't working for me. Id like a little list of what I could use, please and thank you.

Balla's picture

Being aggressive at work


I've read the articles about sleeping with girls at work and I must say, I have to be direct and I want to, I just don't know how to do it without it being harassment. The way im following it from the other guys article, he says don't hit on them n shit and it feels like a waiting game for them to ask me out. I can't wait. My biggest problem is asking diff girls out and not having it being something to gossip about and cock blocking me with other girls thinking im trying to be a player. Appreciate the help.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Being aggressive at work

Author

Balla-

I'd rather have Colt or another one of my black friends write the article on black guy game; I can tell you what I see my friends use, but it's always better coming from the source! Anyway, it's not really all that different from anything else on this site… it's just with somewhat more emphasis on being playful, disarming, and light than what another race guy would use - there's more tension there if you're a black guy than if you're a white, Asian, or Latin guy, and you defuse that by being a bit more playful and light (while still being sexual).

As for being direct with girls at work, that's not one I can help out with - when I've picked up girls from work, I did it mostly the same as what Drexel talked about in his article on getting laid at work: build up some flirting and tension, and ask the girl out under-the-radar (in my case, I've usually preferred to wait until I was leaving a job, if not too far off in the future, since girls can get attached with me and the last thing I ever wanted was drama at the workplace). All I can really say there is… if you're going direct at work… do so at your own risk! And, make sure that if there's bad fallout, it isn't a job you mind losing all that much - otherwise, find other places to game and women to meet who aren't coworkers of yours (there are a LOT of women out there, and most of them don't work with you!).

Chase

V's picture

How did you change people's perceptions


Chase, I remember you saying you told your hs classmates that you were going to change and transform yourself and you did. How did you change their previous perceptions of you and how can I do the same? I moved away but I visit to the place I was born from time to time and I want them to see im different and is it easier because they haven't seen me in years?

Thank you!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Questions

Author

V-

With high school, I changed perceptions by prepping everyone for a big change, then coming back later on looking and acting differently than I had before. The priming (telling them I was releasing "Chase Amante 2000") allowed me to deal with much of the pushback before the change even happened, so that by the time it went through it was already more or less an accepted fact of life that it would occur; and the actual transition was dramatic enough (going from a nerdy part down the middle to a slicked back bad boy hairstyle; ditching my big glasses for contact lenses; trading in my trench coat for a leather jacket; getting a cool red sporty car with a turbo engine; making a more concerted effort to be social, and cutting back on much of my over-the-top joke-making; etc.) that everyone was wowed.

If you're trying to reset opinions, just remember priming (what are you doing to prime them for the change?) and presentation (how big is the difference between how you look and act now, vs. how you did the last time they saw you?). The more and better the priming, and the more and larger the differences, the bigger the effect will be.

Re: expecting people to approach… well, I don't! I don't expect anyone to do anything. The resources are here, if you want them. But if you don't do them, I'm not going to come to your house and put you in an arm bar until you do. It's totally up to you. At least in my case, I had to hit rock bottom, multiple times, before I finally sucked it up and started cold approaching women. I just said "Screw it, this is the ONLY way I get better", and did it. I'd been telling myself I needed to for years before I finally began doing it regularly. You might be in a better place than I am, and have an easier time of it; or, you might just have to hit the bottom and get dragged along the bottom enough times that you reach the point where you decide the only way you get any better is by doing this, and damn your fear and the failure you face along the way because you've exhausted every other option.

And as for not masturbating… it's more motivation than confidence. Think of each release as a little packet of motivation, spilled out onto the ground or a tissue. If you want to stay motivated, keep those motivation packets inside of you, driving you forward, instead of flushing them down the toilet or the shower drain.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Social classes and dynamics


Chase, I'd like to increase my social skills, value, and connections. I dress like the average guy with a steady job and family, mostly khakis, button downs, sweaters and a nice watch. Now of course in every city you could classify people into either being rich, average or poor, and I would probably fall in between the former two. Naturally, people of similar archtypes tend to stick together, I make small talk with people regardless of class, but is it one of those cases where it doesn't socially make sense (for lack of a better word) to get to know and become friends with people of opposite class? It's not that I don't want to talk to them, it would seem awkward (i'm sure for both sides) for a man in khakis and a stable lifestyle to be "chillin' out" and "hanging " with the hoodlums in the alleys of the city streets. I have no idea what we would talk about or how to maintain that kind of relationship. Your feedback would be appreciated.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Social classes and dynamics

Author

Anon-

Yeah, this can be difficult to do once you have an established identity in a certain class and circle. The easiest way if you have an established identity is taking on a close friend or girlfriend who already mingles in those different circles; e.g., you take on a Latina girlfriend who has mostly middle class friends, but also some friends from the other side of the tracks, and she brings you along to house parties in the Hispanic part of the hood every now and again. Or, you take on a buddy who works a few cubicles down from you, but his mama still lives in the ghetto and he goes there to visit her and hang out with his old high school friends, and he takes you with you because the two of you are friends and he thinks it'd be a lark to take you out there and you're down for it too. You can get to talk to people far outside your normal circles on excursions like these, and because you're there with an accepted member of their circles, you won't get the skeptical treatment you might if you wandered into such a gathering uninvited.

Once I had a more established identity, this was the main way that I continued interacting with people from far outside my usual circles - just go along when friends of yours visit their other friends who are much higher or lower than you on the socioeconomic ladder, and do your best to listen and probe (rather than talk about yourself and say things no one there can relate to). The more you learn about them, the easier of a time you'll have relating to them - and relating to other people you meet who are like them, too.

Chase

Mcjagger's picture

People you meet putting down others and how to react.


Greetings Chase,
Whenever I meet new groups of people in different venues such as clubs, bars, and restaurants. I am not sure if this is how everyone is at these places but people like to talk a lot of shit about others, like really mean things; sometimes people I know they talk about, others I don't know. Either way I will be vibing good with these people then they say shit and it brings me down, and others will feel it from me and then a gap is created between us. Sometimes when this happens I just excuse myself to the restroom then do not comeback. In high school I would lose friends because of this, one time I was with a group of people in school and they would make fun of this person with autism. It would piss me off but one time they were throwing like chunks of food at this kid and the kid was screaming not sure where they were coming from and I yelled at them and told them to knock it off. They would just look at me like I am crazy and tell me to calm down. One time this one junior would haze this freshmen and pick on him and I was there and told him to stop, he just laughed so I pushed him, he did it back then we got in a fist fight, he came out on the bad end of it and then I got his girlfriend yelling at me saying I am crazy and should be in jail and his friends and parents giving me bad looks. Also, I lost a friend that I knew for a month cause we were walking on a street then he picks up little rocks and chucks them at a homeless cat, and I tell him to stop, and he tells me to grow a dick. I decided to not hang out with that guy.

I assure you I am not crazy and do not view myself as a victim(good article on that by the way); I make choices and there are consequences to every action, good or bad.

I remember you saying something when in groups of people to join in on the on making of fun of others, and the hazing cause it establishes a us vs them dynamic and makes you cool with them giving you a great chance to snag the girl. No offense Chase, but that is just not me, I don't care if it makes me seem like a loser, I feel bad for the person on the receiving end of it.
So I have been thinking and actually I remember this one guy who would stick up for the guy or group but would just be like "Naw I met that guy, hes cool, you guys got a bad impression" or something like that,then he would direct the conversation to something else and it would be like nothing happened, they all would be vibing and laughing.

So Chase I think thats what I will try to do, but do you have any others tips for a style like that? What and what not to do, will this style limit my chance to get good with girls in the group or when you are with her by yourself?

Troy's picture

Making enemies from previous friends for protecting others


Hey McJagger, although this is sddressed to Chase, i wanted to jump into this conversation. i think that what you are doing is standing up for other people which is very good of you. however, Chase recently wrote an article about nice people needing hard rules and in it he stated that people think diffrently than how you think. from what i see here. you have high empathy levels for others and dont want to see other people get hurt (which is great). what i might recommending you do in the future are 3 things:
1) try making friends with people who dont purposefully put down people. if this continues to occur with future friends, then maybe you are spending time with the wrong kinds of people. find better friends!
2) talk to the victim about what they may be doing wrong if you identify things they can change to avoid drawing too much attention to themselves.
3) sometimes just sit back and remain non judjemental, dont get up from where you are and leave their company because they may get a impression of othering you out of your group and becoming enemies.

Note to Chase: this may be a good comment to write an article about Avoiding Making Enemies. i think this is a crucial part to learn to go about your life and not having people tear you down. Thanks

However, these are just my ides so im waiting to hear what Chase has to say about this! All the best and seasons greetings!

Troy

Chase Amante's picture

Re: People you meet putting down others and how to react.

Author

McJagger-

Yeah, that's not a fun situation. I don't remember the context of me saying to join in on making fun of other people, but that's probably pretty important; I usually don't advise that. Maybe that was some specific case of something...? e.g., making fun of a celebrity might be okay ;)

The key to getting people off of teasing other people is to not freak out about it (like your "Naw, that guy's cool" friend). What you basically want is the "tired, cool parent / teacher" vibe, where you kind of roll your eyes and slightly smile, as if you DO think it's kind of funny, but then you say, "All right, all right, let's knock it off now before we break the poor cat's ribcage or something..." or "Okay, that's enough, that poor kid's screaming now, just chill out... I know he's autistic, but he's not a bean bag. Or do you want the administration folks to come along and suspend everyone at this damn table..."

The formula is basically nonverbals of "I think this is KIND of funny, but mostly just childish", then "all right, all right" or "okay, okay" or "naw, naw" --> usually you repeat the word twice, in a casual, slow way (for some reason this establishes dominance, though I couldn't tell you exactly why it does so), then you calmly tell them to knock it off, and either communicate that they've "won" ("the cat is scared now" "the poor kid's crying"), which is usually what they wanted, and then follow it up with a fear message ("... you're going to kill that damn thing" "... you're going to get us all arrested"). That's enough to get most people to cool it off 90% of the time.

The other 10% of the time, you pretty much just have to get more serious: "Dude, seriously - if you don't knock it off, I'm going to mess you up." Again, you say this in a half-amused, half-parental tone, but seriously enough that he knows you mean it. "Dude, if you throw one more rock at that cat, I'm going to throw a rock at YOU. I'm serious. Want to find out if I'm going to do it? Throw a rock. Come on. I dare you. I'm looking at that rock over there... it's got your name all over it." Always half-kidding, half-annoyed. "One more piece of food thrown at that kid and I'm going to shove that pickle down your throat. You can pretend you're deep throating it or something; I don't care. But that pickle's new home will be your throat." The tone you use is amused enough that it doesn't raise the guy's "confrontation" hackles, but it's still serious enough that it turns his focus away from whatever poor creature he's abusing and onto assessing the threat from you instead. If you're his friend and you're not fully up in arms, he'll usually decide it's better not to keep doing something that's obviously pushing your buttons... because what he's doing is trying to abuse some weaker being for power (the kid; the cat), and getting into a confrontation with a stronger being (you) is not going to work out quite as well.

Chase

V's picture

How do you expect people to do this?


Chase, how do you expect guys that never had success with women in their lives to approach random women they don't know? It might sound like im saying it in a bad way but im not, im just genuinely asking because, you have a guy with no success under his belt and he has to approach women? I feel like it's extremely difficult. You know what im trying to say? How's a guy suppose to approach women he doesn't know and have the balls to do it when he never had success before? Where does a guy like that start so he can get his confidence up?

P.s. When I was in my late teens for some reason approaching didn't feel so bad, but as I got older and even after I started reading this website, it feels harder to ask girls out than before, im only a few years older than 18, why is it like that now?

And i love how you're making article after article like old times, I love your articles. Thank you!

Wolf's picture

Dates at the house and sexier at work


I Wanted to know how can I have dates at my house? I really don't feel like going out then coming back, id rather us just chill at my spot.

Questions are:
1.when girls ask what are we going to do?, (im talking about before telling them I want them to come over) what should I say? I was thinking of saying "you'll see", or should I just say watch a movie at my house?

2. How do you move when your having a date at your house? Do you still have to kiss her under 10 mins? Or can I deep dive and take a little longer since this is our first date?

3. How do I get these girls to come over?

I also wanted to know how can I be sexier at work? What more can I do to show off the sexiness?

And when the heck is that sexy 2.0 article coming out?

Thanks Chase

Wolf's picture

Every girl has a boyfriend


Im just tryna get my numbers up, so im trying to sleep with females I think that are attractive, this includes girls I work with. Every single attractive girl I work or worked with has a fucking boyfriend and has had a fucking boyfriend. It's crazy to me, not one single attractive girl I work with is single. They're not lying either, I see them with their boyfriends .

It's really frustrating.

1. What should I do when a girl tells me this?
2. How should I keep my interactions with her from now on?
3. Am I not sexy enough? Because if I was these girls wouldn't tell me if they had a boyfriend right?

Thanks

Wolf's picture

In more detail girl at work


Sorry for another comment but I wanted to tell you exactly what happened so I can know if to persist with this girl or not. When I was asking her to hang out she told me she had a boyfriend, and I kept persisting, she never said no, all she did was tell me how he was as a person, he's a good guy, and that they live together, buy never a no. She told me people gossip and i told her no one had to know. I still never heard a no, all i heard was different things, So I had to do my thing n I left.

I just want to know if I should just leave her alone or should I keep pushing and how to do it smoothly and get her to my home?

Thanks a ton

Chase Amante's picture

Questions

Author

Wolf-

The "let's hang out" date can be good. You can tell them you're going to make food and go on a picnic, then just have them come over and put together a picnic basket with you in your kitchen, then go to a park nearby (or your own backyard). After the picnic, go back to your place to go watch a movie (in your bedroom, naturally… with the two of you in bed under the covers "It's more comfortable this way").

If it's your first date, unless it's on, you don't have to kiss her in under 10 minutes. But you shouldn't bring her to your bedroom until you're ready for that; you'll use the transition to the bedroom and bed to prime the escalation.

Sexiness at work is the same as sexiness everywhere - everything on this site about sexiness applies as much at work as it does anywhere else.

On girls with boyfriends, see these two articles:

... although, yes, if girls are quickly telling you they have boyfriends (e.g., it's not after they've known you a long time, but rather right away), then that probably means you're triggering the "friend" switch. Also be aware that there's a lot of risk in social circle situations (including and especially work), and women will be quicker to put you in the "friend bucket" here than anywhere else.

Re: the girl living with her boyfriend - the interesting thing to note there is her protestation; it isn't, "I love my boyfriend and I'm not interested in anyone else"; rather, it's "People gossip." That tells you her main concern is NOT cheating on the boyfriend; the main concern is simply doing it and being found out. If you can address that objection, you probably get the girl. I'd see Alek's article and Peter's article (respectively) on setting up discretion frames with girls:

... and also reread the one from Drexel on girls at work (which also deals with discretion):

Chase

Some Girl's picture

Great Post


Subconsciously I already do the frowny walk when I feel unsafe, although it is a good point you raise about the speed of the walk. Your method of the 'bored' look with non verbal communication also sounds very useful - if I can pull it off! However, as a girl it is hard to appear or feel 'powerful' when I walk. I am guess most people would suggest I have a chaperon when walking at night but that is not something I want to depend on.

Have you ever observed women in dangerous areas? If so, how do they present themselves to increase the 'protect' drive in others? I carry an umbrella with me (perhaps a misguided effort to appear to have a weapon) and obviously will dress appropriately if I suspect I have to pass through somewhere. Thoughts?

Chase Amante's picture

Women in Dangerous Areas

Author

Some Girl-

That's a tough call. Because you're female, unless you're very tall or large, most men are naturally going to assume (and probably be correct in assuming) that they could overpower you if they so chose. Most of the women I see walking through dangerous areas - especially women who are dressed nice / clearly don't belong there - tend to be walking at a brisk pace, which I reason is correct for them - you're not going to intimidate a fully grown man by walking more slowly if you're a woman, so it's best just to up your walking speed and pass through as quickly as possible. There is *some* measure of "the longer it takes you to pass through a place, the more time you give people to see you / decide to act on you"; just don't run or look panicky, but step lively, and you're probably best off that way. If you have an angry / focused / determined look on your face, that and a brisk pace is usually going to be enough to make most potential accosters stop and reconsider.

The umbrella is a good idea, and I generally feel a bit more secure when carrying one through dangerous areas as well. The bigger and pointier it is, the better - especially if you're swinging it in one hand as you walk in that "stabbing forward" way (where you're somewhat stabbing it out in front of you as you swing it forward - subconsciously, it makes you look more aggressive / dangerous).

I had an ex-girlfriend from South America who used to travel through VERY dangerous parts of town, and she'd just always carry a set of brass knuckles on her. One time, when a guy tried to snatch her purse, she got to use them, too, and gave him a nasty blow to the cheek before running off (still with her purse).

Chase

V's picture

Benefits?


Chase what are the benefits of not masturbating? Im only talking about in general, not watching porn. Does it give you more confidence to approach and in life?

Alcaeus's picture

Instant Diffuser


Brilliant article Chase,

I love how you're expanding the website into a complete self improvement site with replete articles like this and . Keep up the work, bro.

I used to be an extremely religious kid. But like you and many of our seasoned readers are aware, take everything with a grain of salt. My faith in Christianity peaked many seasons ago, and though I am not the most faithful or respectful toward the trinity, MANY people who are in the hood, ghetto, slum etc. carry a reverence for god.

When APPROACHED, and the potential attacker asks you: Where you going? Do I know you? You lost?

I always reply (In a super loud, inquisitive but deep voice).

"Yeah, do you know where the church is?"

This always throws them for a loop! And I have to fight back my laughter at the sight of their dumbfounded face. Next they will do one of two things. Tell you they don't go to church. OR Actually point you in the direction of church.

In the former case just say, "Well that's fine Sir, thank you for your help, God Bless You." Then start walking off in your intended direction. Just as Chase previously stated, they stand or walk off completely flabbergasted as to what happened.

In the latter case they will actively try to give you accurate directions to the nearest church. I personally get really into their directions with hand motions, repetition of their directions back to them and then a hug (if they aren't too hygienic a handshake will suffice). Like Chase said, when everything is good and done, ask for their name, then thank them. " Well Tyrone, thank you brother, God Bless you." Then walk in the direction you were going, if it happens to be the opposite direction that the church is in and they tell you your going in the wrong direction, just say, "I'm going to pick up some coffee first."

I am 19 and I have used this excuse 3x (2x in the last 6 months). It works like a charm and I always get a kick out of using it.

Dialogue of attacker and his friend as I'm walking away:
"Yoh, what did he have?" "The nigga was going to bible study!" "Deadass?" " Forreal-- I don't fucks with that."

Once again Chase, keep on climbing, what you are doing is good stuff.

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