Desire: it’s that all-powerful word that differentiates a smoldering romantic affair from a chain of text messages that leads nowhere. The difference between having to fight to convince a girl to go out with you – and having her flake… to her flying halfway across the country just to be with you for a few nights. It is the difference between her always being “busy” and her finding a spare five minutes at all costs just to see you.
The difference is desire. Desire can make your seduction as smooth as ice. A lack of it can make it jagged as rocks. Desire makes dating, seduction and relationships easy.
But how do you cultivate desire? And what does it look like when you successfully use it to get a girl to like you? Today we’re going to look at desire inside out. And I’m going to show you the true key to understanding desire, and inspiring it in the women in your life as much as possible.
Throughout the entire course of my romantic life I’ve noticed a very interesting trend. A girl and I almost never have the same level of interest in each other. Chase wrote about this phenomenon in his piece on “What It’s Like with a Girl Who’s Really In Love.” Love is synonymous with a lack of control. And the feelings of desire are no different. When there are strong feelings between you and a girl, you really only feel one of two ways:
She texts you all of the time, and you think “cool.” It’s exciting to have a girl like you so much. You may be interested in her, but you almost feel guilty because you have a lot of power and influence over her, and you know that you are definitely the one who is steering the romantic ship.
You cannot stop thinking about her. You try not to text her too often, but when you do, your heart beats a little faster as you wait for her response. And it starts racing when it actually arrives. Sometimes she texts you back, other times she doesn’t. She’s really flakey, and you find it generally frustrating to deal with her. You just can’t figure her out, and you know you’re staying up at night, thinking about her, and trying to figure out why you like her so much and how you can make her yours. But… you know that she’s not doing the same. You know that you’re a minor thought in her mind, and that she probably doesn’t waste any extra time thinking about you.
These two scenarios are the exact scenarios that brought me into the seduction game to begin with. A few years back, I remember that I was absolutely enamored with this girl I had known for a few weeks. She was gorgeous, she had a smile that could brighten any man’s day, she had the sexiest body, she was funny, and she was better at deep diving than most PUAs I’ve encountered in my life.
The first few times we met it was like out of a storybook, sneaking off for midnight adventures in botanical gardens in the moonlight. It was all fantastic for a short period. But after a while…I started to think a lot more. I thought about how amazing she was. I thought about how much I loved our adventures. And the more I would think, the more nervous I would get when I was actually around her. So nervous that after a while, not only was I too scared to kiss her, but I was too scared to even touch her. And I bet you can imagine what that did for her attraction to me.
It was one of the rare times in my life that I became clingy and started chasing – and that pretty much put an end to that. I never wanted to feel that way again.
However, the funny thing was that at the exact same time, there was a girl who was texting me nonstop. I didn’t give her too much thought because I was too busy chasing my storybook girl.
So, sometimes I would text her back. Other times I wouldn’t. Sometimes she would text me and I would come off like an asshole. Other times, I would just say something overtly sexual or even sext her without thinking twice.
And the even funnier thing was… I invited this second girl over, and I slept with her with absolutely zero resistance.
But, how could this be? This question ran through my mind over and over again. I paid this girl no attention, I didn’t treat her all that well at times… and yet, she would practically bend over backwards for me.
Luckily, I learned that science had an answer.
Desire Comes from Uncertainty
Let’s examine a couple of examples from the good ol’ 50’s to understand the roots of desire:
“In the 1950s, Dr. Harry Harlow conducted experiments on attachment at the University of Wisconsin which today would undoubtedly be considered cruel. Harlow separated young monkeys from their mothers soon after birth and placed them in cages with two “fake” mothers.
One was an immovable doll made of soft cloth, while the second, mechanical “mother” was made of cold, unyielding wire which nonetheless provided food. The young monkeys were then confronted with a scary, threatening contraption. But rather than running to the mechanical food source, they invariably scampered to the soft, cuddly doll mothers, showing that comfort was more important to them than food.
Harlow also created a rejecting “mother” that used a blast of pressurized air to push the baby monkeys away. But they clung even tighter to these mother figures. The scientists observed that the “rejection” actually strengthened the baby monkeys’ determination to hang on, and essentially, attach. In the 1960s, similar experiments conducted by Dr. Eckhard Hess at the University of Chicago involved electric shocks to keep ducklings from attaching to figures they imprinted on. But this only strengthened the ducklings’ behavior and made them follow even closer.”
That’s from “What's In a Kiss? More Than You Realize…”.
So what these studies are saying is:
The more the baby monkeys and ducklings got rejected by their “mothers” in these experiments, the more the monkeys/ducklings clung on to these “mothers.” The animals were actually more attached after getting rejected.
“ Experiments by A.E. Fisher on puppies in 1955 divided them into three groups. The first was treated kindly, while the second group was treated harshly and punished whenever they approached the researchers. The third group experienced random kindness mixed with punishment, so they never knew what to expect. But the third group of puppies formed the strongest attachment to the researchers. Guy Murchie dubbed this the polarity principal, which says the stress of uncertainty is one of the strongest factors affecting attachment, love and dependence.”
So what this final study states is:
If you treat an animal well sometimes, and poorly other times, it doesn’t know what to expect. And when it doesn’t know what to expect, it becomes the most attached to you and desirous of you vs. animals that are always treated well or never treated well.
And these exact same results have been applied to human beings. Essentially, when we don’t know how another person is going to treat us, that’s when we most desire them. That’s when we want to be around them, want their approval and simply want them to care about and validate us.
And that is the root of desire. That is why we men obsess over the girls who play “hard to get” and constantly send mixed signals. We pull out our hair and scream “I just can’t figure this girl out!” And it only makes us want her more and more. And women know this. They read Cosmo and a wealth of other female-centric media that tells that how to attract and keep their perfect man.
They have all of the tools to make you pine for them, and they’re not afraid to use them. But the good thing is… desire works both ways.
We all know that women love sex. And we all know that they want men just as much as men want them (and if you didn’t know that… well, now you’re a bit wiser). So it stands to reason that the methods that girls use to attract guys and keep them as orbiters are the same methods that men can use on them.
While that is certainly true to a large extent, there are a couple of key differences in approach that are important to note.
In order to understand these differences, we have to understand the difference between the top priorities of men and women.
The Priority of Men
- Men want to “win” in the game of life in some way or another. Whether that’s through their work, through seducing women and bearing children, or building important things in their free time – at the base of every man is the deep desire to leave a legacy.
I think that subconsciously every man understands that he is expendable. When the ship is going down, it’s “save every woman and child,” not “save every woman, child, and man who is too scared and doesn’t feel like dying right now.”
Men were created to fight, to create, to solve problems, and to generally get the job done – in both mind and body. So there are many men, who, at the top their profession and leaving an immense legacy to the world, lose a large part of their desire for women.
Before the battle of Troy, Achilles’ mother (a goddess) asked if he wanted to have a beautiful wife and create a lineage of children for generations who would love him, but… eventually his name would fade to the sands of time; Or if he wanted to die in the battle of Troy and have his name live forever. Which did he choose? Just stretch out your Achilles tendon and let my point soak in.
The Priority of Women
Women, on the other hand, are creatures of love and beauty:
- Despite what women may say or try to lead you to believe, what a woman wants most is to be loved. And not to be loved by just anyone, but to be loved by a strong man who is confident and desired by many other women.
Women want to cultivate a bond with a quality man and nurture the children they conceive with that man. Women are rarely concerned with legacies and expendability. They are beautiful and for the most part delicate – in both mind and body
The Chase is On
Because of our nature, men are naturally competitive creatures. We like to compete with each other on everything from sports to who can eat more wings. On the other hand, women may or may not be competitive. They don’t have that deep biological need to prove themselves.
As such, women are generally less competitive than men… unless they are competing over a dominant man. Women love competing with each other over men. And this makes perfect sense: they want to have the best genes for their child all to themselves.
So when there’s a quality man on the line… all bets are off. That’s why the idea of preselection is so important. As soon as a woman sees other females going for you – even if she doesn’t know you – she’ll suddenly want you as well. And it’s this idea that you’ll want to keep in mind when cultivating desire.
Key #1: Transform Yourself into a Guy Girls Compete Over
This key is perhaps the most straightforward, but also the broadest in terms of how many different areas it touches. But this is the foundation that forms desire. There’s no way that you’ll be able to inspire desire and get a girl to like you unless:
- You are a sexy man
- You are a formidable masculine presence
- You have great fashion sense
- You know how to connect with people
- You are aggressive
- You are a risk-taker
- You are great in bed
- You understand your masculine archetype
- You frequently take advantage of preselection
These are the foundations that are covered from A-Z on this website. If you don’t have these things covered, it’s going to be hard to rouse women with that passionate, lustful, I-can’t-get-enough-of-you desire that so many men have the potential to rouse if they would just apply themselves.
And although I would say that all of these bullet points are important, being sexy is far, far and away the most vital. Desire is linked to emotional attachment and sexual lust. That means that a girl should:
Want to be around you
Know that you are a man who loves women and is going to try to sleep with her with any opportunity
If you can do that, you’ll have the groundwork for building desire.
Key #2: Use Preselection
If you show women that you are a sexy man, it will lead to often getting the all-important preselection, and act as a gateway to all of the other important areas. If you want desire, you need preselection. That can mean:
Using early frame announcements and establishing yourself as a man who sleeps with many women
Going out with a wingwoman and having women see you with a cute girl
Telling stories about girls you’ve been with in the past
Flirting with girls in front of other girls in order to build intrigue and easier opening
No matter what form it comes in, you absolutely need preselection to consistently create deep desire in women.
Key #3: Never Prioritize Women
If you take anything away from this article, let it be this: The most important factor in whether or not you’ll consistently get a girl to like you is making sure that women are never your top priority.
I know the idea is completely counterintuitive. If you like a girl, or have a general passion for women, surely you should make them a priority.
No. The exact opposite is true. As we saw in the scientific study, desire and attachment come from uncertainty. And if a girl knows that she can have you whenever she wants you… you’re done. It’s over. Sure, she may like you. She may care about you, but she’ll never have that crawl up the wall desire for you.
That #2 girl who was texting me constantly never knew what she was going to get. Sometimes I texted her back 5 minutes later. Sometimes I texted her back 5 hours later. Sometimes I never texted her back at all.
And all the while… I never cared. I was focused on my “dream girl,” or on writing, or martial arts, or dance, whatever else may be occupying my time at any particular moment.
Meanwhile, my “dream girl” knew that she had me in the palm of her hands.
I slept with one. I only dreamt about the other.
So, as a man, it’s your job to figure out what’s most important to you. It is a hobby? Is it a business? Is it travel? Is it your job? Whatever it is… make sure it’s not women. Because women love men who have drive and know what they want. Ricardus talked about this in the Success Factor Pt. 5.
If a man knows what he wants, women love that. Women want to be a part of that. They want to help you “win” the game of life and have you love them in return. So when you have a greater life goal/purpose, women can just sense it on you. They know you don’t waste your time with useless pining and that you’re a man of action.
Furthermore, women want to be able to peel away your layers. If you show them that you’re strong, but also have the capacity to be vulnerable and Byronic – and you constantly shift between the two – it will maintain your intrigue and only keep them wanting more.
As a corollary: Always have multiple women in your life as often as you can. If you have multiple women in your life:
- You won’t get attached to one and put her on a pedestal
- You can stay sexually satisfied and decide if you want something serious with one
- You’ll show her that she’s replaceable to a man with abundance
- You’ll be able to keep your life low-stress and focus on your bigger life projects
And in terms of communication with the girls of your life, just get to it when you can. If you feel like texting her now… do it. If you don’t… text her a few hours from now. Just always keep your own convenience in mind.
Key #4: Employ the Ben Franklin Effect
Ah, those founding fathers, they really knew what they were doing. Before I launch into this, if you haven’t read Chase’s post on cognitive dissonance, I suggest you do so now. But if you really don’t want to, the important thing to know is that for your brain, no matter what action you take, it needs to come up with a justification – whether it’s something positive or negative.
So in terms of people, you don’t do nice things for people because you like them. Instead, you like people because you do nice things for them. And this applies vice versa to negative actions as well.
So every time you do something nice, your brain has to justify it and basically say “I just went out of my way to do something nice. I must like this person!” Crazy, right?
That’s the exact principle behind compliance and female investment. If someone is investing in you, they tell themselves that they must like you.
And Ben Franklin found this out long, long ago. So, whenever he would make an enemy, he would ask his enemy for a very personal favor (which appealed to their pride). So, once they accepted and did something nice for him, their brains would give that justification… and he would have an enemy no longer.
And the same applies to girls. If you want them to desire you, you have to get them to do things for you. It could be small things like just holding something for you, or bigger things like driving over to come see you. But, if you employ the Ben Franklin effect, it will become much easier to build desire as she will more willingly invest in you while steadily wondering why she likes you more and more.
Outcome Independence: You Probably Don’t Even Like “Her”
There are a lot of reasons why men pursue women. But, I’ve always believed that it’s not always necessary because we’re enamored with a particular girl. Sometimes you don’t even want a woman because you desire that specific girl. Instead…
Sometimes you’re just stubborn and don’t want the feeling of failure, so you keep pursuing a girl just to preserve your own pride
Sometimes you just want to sleep with or date someone who is attractive enough to fit the bill
Sometimes you just like the idea of having a girl to pursue. So you go into a romantic situation with half-hearted efforts, steadily subconsciously sabotaging yourself so that you keep the girl in reach, but never actually get her
Sometimes you just want someone to care about and take care of you, while in turn give you something to protect
So keep that in mind if you ever find yourself constantly pining over one girl. It’s probably not even her you want most of the time, so keep that honesty with yourself.
One of the hardest things to accept is that you can’t force desire. Sometimes you throw the kitchen sink and get nothing… but that’s okay. Move on to the next one and focus on creating desire with the women who are receptive, i.e., those who matter.
How to Get a Girl to Like You: It’s All Desire
Desire is going out with a girl once and having her travel 500 miles to just to see you for a weekend – on her own dime.
Desire is having a girl tell you that she would fight another man just to defend your honor.
Desire is having a girl throw her religious abstinence out of the window just for one night to be your lover.
Desire is a girl taking two buses and braving subzero temperatures just to be by a warm fire in your presence.
Desire is a girl telling you that she’s never trusted someone as much as she trusts you.
Desire is a girl saying that no one will ever know her body as well as you do.
Desire is everything.
Learn to cultivate it. Learn to master it.