How to Be Social at a Party: 6 Secrets of Sociable Men

I’ve noticed as I’ve reviewed our discussion boards that lots of our posters are much more comfortable with meeting girls during the daytime, and find bars, nightclubs, and parties somewhat alien environments (although to be fair, there are also plenty of guys who are far more nighttime-oriented there as well).

When I stopped and thought about this, one of the things I realized was that when I first started hitting nightclubs, they were a pretty intimidating environment to experience:

  • The loud, pounding, deafening music
  • The big, imposing bouncers and other club patrons
  • The flashy, intimidating-looking women
  • The specter of approaching a girl only to meet her boyfriend’s fist
  • The feeling that everyone else there belonged a lot more than you did
  • The self-consciousness of knowing all these party people would see you get rejected if things didn’t go perfectly with a girl you went up to

how to be social

Especially when you’re rolling solo, like I was most of the time early on, you feel like you stick out like a sore thumb, and make for an easy target for anyone looking for a fight and look like someone to be avoided for anyone trying to have a good time.

Everyone there who’s having fun – the people you want to be around... well, they don’t need you. You don’t even know how to break into the same category as them.

So this article’s going to serve as companion piece to my article on picking up girls in bars and clubs and your primer on how to be social: the 6 secrets every social man figures out sooner or later about how to work a venue, how to get comfortable in an intimidating environment like this, and how to set yourself up for more social (and sexual) success than you can shake a billy club at.

how to be social

For ease of absorption, I’m splitting our 6 rules into two parts:

  1. The 3 rules of barroom socializing, and
  2. The 3 steps to working the room

The rules are going to give you your foundation and your understanding of exactly how to be social in a party, club, bar, networking, or other similar environment, and the steps will build on that foundation and give you exact tactics you can implement today.

Let’s roll.

Rule #1: You Must Be Having the Most Fun

People, almost universally, tend to be in search of one big thing: better emotions.

The man able to give these to them is king.

If you’ve read these articles on the subject, you already know this well:

... and if not, or if it’s been a while since you read them, then this is your refresher.

Everyone wants to be with someone who brings more powerful, positive emotions to the table than what’s already available. That means if you join a group with somewhat higher energy levels than anyone else in it, you’re a net positive for that group.

The reverse, you might expect, is also true: join a group when you’re at a lower energy level than the people in that group are, and you’re a downer.

One of the biggest things men who are socially inexperienced get wrong starting out is that they wade into socializing without consciously adjusting their energy levels.

So, you go to a party or a bar or a club alone or with a friend, and you’re feeling calm or maybe even a little intimidated, and then you go try to socialize with some strangers in party mode without making any adjustments to your own vibe and behavior.

Reception: crummy, needless to say.

Those other people want you gone.

They treat you like a weirdo, or maybe are nice and polite, but cut you out of the conversation quickly. It’s easy to start thinking that you just don’t belong in these sorts of environments, or people must not like you because they saw you by yourself earlier.

Actually, all you need to do is:

  1. Slap on a smile
  2. Open your eyes a little wider
  3. Be upbeat, chipper, and cheerful
  4. Be having a good time and enjoying yourself

... and then adjust your energy levels just slightly above that of the group of people you’re joining and coming in to talk with.

Rule #2: You Must Not Be TOO High Energy

Here’s another common beginner mistake: going too far to the other extreme and being bounce-off-the-walls energetic and crazy. Once guys figure out Rule #1, they often end up over here.

Why? Because it seems to make sense... after all, if what everyone wants is to have fun and enjoy a good time and get an infusion of energy, then what could be better than BARRELS of fun and DUMPTRUCKS of energy?

how to be social

There are several reasons why upping your energy to zany, Bozo the Clown levels is a bad thing for your socializing, though:

  • People cannot relate to people who are too far from them emotionally. Just like how you don’t really want to talk to a depressed person when you’re feeling great, and you don’t want to talk to a happy-go-lucky person when you’re feeling down in the dumps, people who are having some light fun don’t want to talk to someone who’s having so much fun that he’s practically back-flipping his way through the room. They just can’t relate to that emotional state, and it wrecks their calm and takes too much mental energy for them to try. So they shut him out as some crazy creepy guy who doesn’t get it.

  • When people can’t relate to you, they “other” you. That is, if you’re similar to them, but slightly more energetic than them, then you are “just like them”, only you make them feel better. If you’re too different though, you’re clearly not like them... and people really, at their cores, only want to interact with other people they judge to be similar to themselves, because everyone else is a clueless outsider with an agenda that’s going to take them farther from their own goals, rather than closer to them.

  • High energy is high effort. And as we discussed in “The Law of Least Effort” and “Sprezzatura, Effort, and Investing”, making yourself appear too high effort takes away from your social power and attractiveness. There’s also a threshold to how far you can go to match a girl’s energy levels and still seem attractive – if she’s dancing wildly on the dance floor and throwing her limbs about, and you go up and match that and go a little bit above it, she’s going to get a thrill ride out of that while dancing with you, but the moment she steps off the dance floor you’d better be masterful at toning it down to just the right levels, or else she’s going to think she should’ve left you on the dance floor quite quickly (the other risk there is if she was just being funny and not sincere, and you go sincere with those high energy levels... girls do a lot of ‘playing’ at parties, and inexperienced men tend not to be the best at telling the difference).

  • Too high energy = too much fun. As good as it is to be fun... it’s very possible to be too much fun. And as soon as someone feels like you’ve filled their fun quota to the brim, they lose all interest in you.

So, stick to the rule of going a little above the energy level of the person or people you’re socializing with... but don’t go TOO high energy.

And if they’re going absolutely NUTS with energy, it’s usually better to wait to interact with them until they calm down... because if you try and go in super high energy yourself, it’s easy to get left behind when the group mellows out and you’re stuck playing catch up.

Rule #3: You Must Show You Aren’t a Social Burden

Ever out somewhere hanging with your friends, and some random person drops in and starts talking to you... and then just won’t leave? It gets to the point where you start wondering if you’re ever going to get away from the guy.

That’s what being a social burden is, and when you first step up and say ‘hello’, unless you are someone they feel strong instant attraction to as a potential partner or friend, in the back of everyone’s minds is the fear of, “Oh no – I hope this guy isn’t another social burden!”

The way you get around this is:

  1. Part fundamentals – the tighter your fundamentals are, the less this question even occurs to people, and the less severe the apprehension you’ll be a burden is when it does occur

  2. Part energy level – come in at the right energy level, and this question is muted; come in at the wrong one, and it’s a screaming police siren

  3. Part leaving and coming back – when you’re working a room, you will typically go and talk to people for a few minutes, then leave, and circulate back around later. This does much to defuse fears of you being a social burden, because you aren’t sticking to them – and if you’re especially socially savvy, you only reengage when they’re in a lull socially and you can tell they’d welcome a little new stimulation

The last one is the most important one here, because it’s the one that’s most easily controlled; if you don’t want to be a social burden, leave after a few minutes of conversation, unless it’s clear they really want you there and you really want to stay there.

Then, don’t circulate back into conversation with those folks you talked to earlier again until you can tell their conversation’s wound down a bit and isn’t quite as engaging, and your return will be welcome... rather than being seen as an interruption, as it may be if they’re too highly engaged on something and you end up being the interloper who disrupts the topic.

how to be social

Now that we’ve covered the first half of the 6 secrets of sociability in any kind of crowded party or networking environment, let’s cover the second half – our three (3) tactical steps that will show you how to be social in a way that’s smooth, airy, and effective.

Step #1: You Must Be Ready to Move If Things Don’t Click

When your goal is “be social” or “work the venue”, you typically won’t be spending a huge amount of time with any one person in particular. That’s because:

  • You’re mostly just focusing on making small talk and bantering with everyone you meet, not getting into deep conversations (hard to be very social when you’re deep into conversation with any particular individual), and

  • You’re avoiding any momentum-killing events... like getting stalled in a long conversation with one person

You want to keep it light, keep things moving, and continue socializing with everyone in the venue.

Your objective here is similar to what it is with shotgun opening: prime the crowd early so you can work it better later. With enough socializing with various people early into a party or night out or event, you’ll find you have several bases of new friends to come back to throughout the night, which makes socializing later on a lot easier and more fun – if you just suffered a big rejection from that cute girl over by the bar, for instance, pretty easy to lick your wounds and get back into a good state of mind if those cool people you were hanging out with earlier will be glad to clink glasses with you and joke around a bit before you get back out there meeting and greeting.

However... one of the keys to setting yourself up to have these people to interact with later is that you move onto the next person the moment you detect a whiff of “not clicking.”

While there is a time and a place for sticking it out even when it just isn’t working (sometimes it’s worth building up your tolerance for social pressure and challenging yourself to find ways to turn around flagging interactions), when you’re trying to work the crowd this isn’t the time for it. The goal is learning how to be social, not learning how to turn around dying conversations... so if it isn’t going anywhere, excuse yourself with an, “I’m going to go scout out the rest of the venue,” and you’ll often be able to come back later.

If you wear out your welcome too early, don’t expect to have one later; so if it isn’t clicking, leave, and you can always swing back around later.

You want a warm crowd in the venue, not a cool one. So focus on making good impressions and staying only as long as people feel like you’re bringing value to them.

Step #2: Don’t Be Afraid to Stick Around If You Meet Someone AWESOME

Sometimes while socializing, you will inadvertently meet someone awesome – a really cool guy who’d be fun to be friends with; a really pretty girl you just unexpectedly hit it off with; a neat group of people with a really great dynamic where you feel right at home.

If it’s clear they want you to stay, and it’s clear to you that YOU want to stay, then... it’s worthwhile being flexible enough that you can chuck a previous agenda (like “let me be social & work the room”) and take up a new one (like “let me get to know this really awesome person or these awesome people who want to get to know me too”).

how to be social

This is where a little awareness of your tendency to social butterfly becomes helpful; lots of guys will tend toward butterflying once they’re working crowds, simply because it’s easier / less intimidating to keep moving than it is to switch tempos and plant your feet with any one person or group of people.

If you miss out on an awesome connection though, that’s a big mistake! The entire reason you’re out socializing, after all, is to make good connections with interesting people... not to engage in loads of small talk with a bunch of people you’ll never see again.

So, while working the room, do keep your eye out for diamonds in the rough whom you connect well with, and put down some roots and get to know them and trade phone numbers at the very least before you continue on socializing (do grab men’s phone numbers too; sometimes the best going out buddies you’ll meet will be cool guys who are already out at the places you like going out to).

Step #3: Screen, Screen, Screen

What’s the difference between an awkward guy who rolls up to your group and feels like he’s just “there”, hanging around the periphery, and a guy who rolls up to your group and all of a sudden he’s just in it, knows you better than half the people there, and he’s won over everyone else around too?

The first guy just hovers, making impersonal small talk and jokes, while the second guy mixes in screening and cold reading.

You don’t have to (and probably shouldn’t) go into full-blown deep diving while you work a room... but you SHOULD be testing and probing and feeling out people as you go. Think of it as deep diving lite... your aim is to show that you are legitimately trying to get a read on the people you chat with, because you’re looking for something.

If your fundamentals are in order and you seem like a high-value guy, and you’re otherwise not coming across tryhard in how you engage people and present yourself, they’re going to tend to be generally curious who this new, confident, laid back person is who’s just shown up but now is feeling them out.

It’s a very different feeling from what the guy who’s just keeping everything surface-level and fun gives, which is one of, “This guy’s kinda cool, but... why is he here?

What you communicate with some screening and probing and cold reading early on is this: “I’m here because I’m seeing if you meet my standards for cool people to hang out with.”

And so long as your social value appears equal to or greater than that of the person you’re feeling out, this just makes you all the more attractive, powerful, and desirable to win over as a potential friend and ally.

How to Be Social at a Party: The Recap

While working the room, the three (3) ground rules to bear in mind are:

  1. You must be having the most fun of the people you interact with
  2. You must nevertheless not be TOO high energy
  3. You must show you aren’t a social burden

The three steps to working the room tactically are:

  1. You must move on as soon as things seem not to be clicking
  2. You must hang around when things click very well
  3. You must screen, screen, screen the people that you meet

Just remember: the overall goal is to have a good time, meet lots of people, and see if those people are the kinds of people you’d be interested in spending more time around in the future.

When you take this approach, it makes getting comfortable in all kinds of environments vastly easier.

I’d further recommend socializing with staff, especially at slower parts of the event or night; e.g., at a bar / nightclub / networking event, this is early at night, before all the patrons show up; at a networking event, it can be later, too, once everyone clears out, though at a bar or club closing time is the craziest time of the night, so you won’t want to be trying to socialize with the doorman then lest you be seen a nuisance; however, if you find yourself at an after party with staff, that’ll be another excellent time to get to know them more. Getting to know the staff is extremely valuable for becoming more comfortable in a venue; the more you know the staff, the more a place starts to feel like “your” place.

Being social isn’t an ultimate end goal, in the way that, say, “Flirt with cute girls and invite them home and see what happens,” is at a party or club, or, “Talk with interesting and connected people and let them know my skills and credentials and what I’m looking for,” is at a networking event, but if going out is still intimidating for you, you’re rusty, or you need a kick in the tail to get you out the door, this one’s one of the best.


Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Dilusha's picture

Hey Chase,

I've been following your site for a couple of months and you guys have simply changed my perspective on womankind. I'm 19 years old and not even university yet. So still night doesn't belong to me :D Although I don't go out at night, I go out in other times for shopping and watching movies quite regularly. Every time I go out, I'm dressed to kill(Much learned from you), well groomed and walking sexy(entirely learned from you, still practising). But the problem is, many hot girls, also dressed to kill, beautiful, equally posh as me, or even better(much richer girls) do not look at me. Don't even acknowledge my presence. Is it normal? Or Is it something wrong in me? I'm pretty good looking and my body is athletic. I play cricket. So my body is always fit and agile. So Is it the typical way of woman's behaviour? Or something else? Please tell me something.

-Dilusha from Sri Lanka

David Riley's picture

You will be surprised how responsive a girl who may at first seem like she doesn't want to talk, actually wants to talk. Some girls may have boyfriends and other girls are just shy. Other times a girl maybe having a bad night and isn't looking too receptive. Also, some women may very much want to get laid but don't want to look like a slut in front of their friends. The only thing you can really do is walk to them and ask "How's your night going?" Women are pretty conditioned to respond politely to strangers. From there just lead the conversation to where you want to go.

Anonymous's picture

Great article for being social.

With regards to 'showing an energy level slightly above the group' how does this translate to when you are purely out trying to pick up women? Say you start chatting to a girl at the bar and she seems pretty hyper high energy, surely this style is not effective for seduction where you want that silent energy persona, where you want to build things up that sexual energy slowly which kinda requires that you both come from a calm place.

So I guess my second question would be,how do you calm down a high energy girl who you are trying to seduce?

And thirdly what are your thoughts on being all social and working the room when you are there purely to pick up a girl?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

The question you raise is about bringing down her energy. You can do this in a number of ways speaking calm and slow to her. You can also move her to a quieter place where you and her can talk easier. You can also keep her talking while you transition. Eventually she will tire herself out. When you work the room, your intention is to find the most receptive girl by meeting and interacting with people. Once you find this girl make your exit. Use openers to determine the most receptive and responsive girl. When you feel that it's time to pull go ahead and pull.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Today, I was at practical project demostration my friend was part of. It was running 1km or 3km. I came in, kinda happy because I saw him, we make some light jokes, I open some other people not to seem weird. That was ok, but I just cant maintain that. I asked others about the project because that was the only thing that came to my mind. I then ran my lap, got exhausted, talked a bit more but then... new people come by, they join the group, these guys know them, joke with them and now I am there like a pole. I have no idea how to contribute to that, I think I should leave this group and find some smaller group right next to them. They are talking about something, other group is doing something, solving something.

There was a barbeque after the run, he, as a really social guy urged me to go, but I talked to him about that. How it is ok in small group of people that I know a bit and not like 30 people group where I know noone. He told me I have this sad look. He thought I was distant also when we first met in last september in class. When I think about that, I just have no idea how to do this. I mean, noone misses me, I am that guy whose phone rings only when my mother wants something or post office tells me package is on the way. If I was funny, I would just joke, but I have no idea how to crack jokes. They talk to each other and make me completely invisible. There are almost all people talking in these 5-7 person groups, maybe sometimes they dont talk for a while, but then they say something, get more engaged. I have no idea how to do that. How to contribute. I played soccer since I was 4 years old. At school, I was bullied, people laughed at me, my father kept hitting me when I was not "behaving". My self esteem does not exist but also, I have no real social value. So when a girl starts to talking about her problems, I listen, because that is basically only thing I can offer her. Other than excelent kick to a ball, fast sprinting, precise passes with ball on a field. I dont go to any events, I avoid social outings because in a certain point, I would start emitting negative waves and people would leave me just there, standing/sitting. I horrible companion at this. I am a virgin of course. I was running with a guy there, I sensed same vibe as me and I realized what kind of friends I can have. Also, there was 2 ugly girls, one cute in face, short and proportional figure with enormous breasts. Well say even those ugly ones did not look at me more than once - when I arrived. My social value is none. I am inteligent, I think I can analyze something, tell people where they made mistakes if something happens. But honestly, everyone can do that, it is not that special.

I always wanted to be a Power Ranger or some other superhero. They are heroes, they have special abilities, and their biggest burden was not telling anyone to seem normal, to protec them. I always cry when this hero seems to have troubles and other people try to lift up his spirit, when they show they care about him. Of course in life, when a girl told me if I ever felt down, she will hear me out, well I thought why the fuck does she care, I am Mr. Nobody.

I feel like my life will be burried in work, I will take shifts of people during holidays, I will tell bosses I can stay to the evening. And when someone else sees something good in my, I would be puzzled the same way like if aliens came to Earth and said I make the greatest pie on the planet (I dont bake). And reason is, spending my time at work seems like best I can offer to the society. I had a break down this sunday, just because I saw a girl I fell in love with and cant get over her because she is almost perfect, like 9,5 girl, amazing. Maybe a little too long face, sometimes judgemental, also I think age will be "visible" on her. Anyways, she confirmed her participating on a social event, something like Mardi Gras, music, dancing, costumes, celebrating ending of winter and that kind of stuff. I mean, even entry something like costed 35 $. So I broke down just because I realized what a total loser and useless person I am (I have no job), and read your article about depression. It helped miraculously, I felt great, I kept stopping these crippling thoughts, and felt like I can take on the world. So I went to gym the other day and the work out sucked. I hit plateau couple weeks before that day, I tried not to think about her. Today, 4 days of that I back at visualizing how I talk with her in train booth, all kinds of scenarios. I happy, she is smiling, I am depressed, pretending I dont want to talk to her, her being depressed and me cheering her up. I learn something new about people from soem article on web and I imagine how she says I am different, I ask if good different or bad different and then I am telling her that I once realized this, that I read somewhere. it makes me smile if I imagine myself with her having great time. Because the league of girls I can play is like fat, ugly girl, with eyes too far away from each other, with horrible style, milions of bracelets and rings. Funny how when I visit my dentist, she keeps saying how I have perfect teeth, maybe a bit yellow but how girls have to love my smile.

I know you are a busy person, I wrote all this hay of shit to get it off my system, because I read it help to write down what bothers you. Especially if you have noone to talk to.

How do I increase my social value, my worth? I mean even if I was successful IT project manager, having money, big salary, it is still just a job and you can be still socially retarded. I cant maintain being happy when I am not. I can for couple of minutes then I sink. I want to get to a point where at least some normal people (not weirdos like myself) are maybe sad that I did not make it to an event or somewhere. I have one friend who talks like a radio, never shuts up and yes, he wonders, always keeps asking if I dont talk to him for a week. But I dont want him as a friend. I just have no idea what I have to do to just be myself in front of people and be welcomed. My only idea is to sort out my life and get my basic needs fulfilled but... I also wish I would be able to help other people. To be able to do that and still be ok myself. Which in this world comes with money I think.

I am sorry for long big sob story, I know it is not what "high value" people do, fixers do, doers do, but I am not that, I am loser, follower, thinker and I dont know where to begin because I suck at everything except at listening 1-on-1.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Driver's picture

Just wanted to help you out. Seems like you need it and I can relate to where you are at. Hope Chase doesn't mind.

Focus on upping your fundamentals to the max. You could be poor as shit and have great fundamentals and everyone will treat you with high social value. All the other shit is just extra. I'm an introvert, and I think that for an introvert, socializing takes willpower, so you say you can socialize for a while then you crash. Happens to me to. You just have to keep building up socializing over time. It helps if you can focus on having fun, otherwise socializing is draining. If you have trouble finding topics to talk about, just ask people questions about themselves, people could literally talk about themselves all fucking day.

It's all in the fundamentals for you, my friend. Once you improve don't let ANYONE bring you down, because some haters will be jellie ;) and they will try to bring you down. Don't look for acceptance from people, it comes off needy, but like Chase said screen people. Put them on the spot to impress you, and they will want to impress you and be accepted by YOU if you get your fundamentals up. And if you show them that you are impressed and intrigued by them they'll be yours, they won't want to lose the social value that you've given them. You'll probably find that you have too many people who need you, who want to follow you and be around you, and seek your approval. Really hope this helps you man.

Anonymous's picture

thank you for advice. I read some articles on that topic. But even if I had perfect posture, movement speed, nonchalant gestures, eye contact is maybe one thing I have... but voice not that impressive, my skin always full of red spots or some pimple, I have some liver problems, thefore bladder control --> I have permanent red exem around nose and circles under my eyes. Doctor told me only way is make-up. But I find the problem in my personality. The way I look at people. I dont mean my views on them but during eye contact. I am very low key person, I think reason is .. well, when I was 9 I played with a friend outside. I threw a ball too much above him, he slightly touched it, it bounced, he leaned back, it bounced couple of times and then in the street where he caught that. And 1 second later a car hit him. He died 1 day later in a hospital. I never told anyone because I thought I would go to jail. I know it is stupid, but I was a little kid. I kept blaming myself for that, stopped around age of 16, I am 24 now. I know it was an accident but I think it caused too much damage on me. And I think I am really sensitive now because of that. Other people have this positive energy around them. I can exude sometimes too but I must really feel that way. Like when I heard out some girl and she felt better, I felt better too after. But two days later, felt like shit again. She even asked me, if I wanted to be with her. But as a realistic person, I said no, because someone like me, total loser, does not deserve her. Yes, she was beautiful, I would like to be with her, but I cant give her what she wants, that would be selfish of me, it would end quickly, so I said what I said. I am in a situation where I dont even want to meet people that I know and who are great because I feel like I am not worth of their time.

So thanks for fundamentals tip but I feel like if I look like a famous actor but am still me as a person, I dont think it will help. I understand it has impact on people and if I learn how to use that, I would be ok, but.. I made some new friends last year, it took us 2 outings and I already can sense they think I am not one of them and that I have this negative energy around me. I basically have no idea "how to have fun". I remeber when I played games, I was part of a community, I was popular but people told me why I kept distance, why I kept being lonely there. Even though they liked my ideas, views about the game, I made videos, helped people. Some even kept saying how I am their role-model because I played only one class all 5 years and knew everything about that. I know how it feels to be someone. But here, in life, I feel like if I had lvl 8 and all locations "with monsters to exp" required lvl 14 at least to progress further. I think if I made it, it would make one hell of a lifestory, because I failed in all areas of my life, even as a soccer player, I am average and that is something I spend most time doing in my life. But that is partially because of genetics.

Have a nice day.

Anonymous's picture

What I meant was, there are some people who have captivating expressions, who have their body language nice. I met girls like this, the way they express that, I mean, I dont really care what they do, they could be broke, have no friends... well I guess this is what you were talking about. BUT what I meant is, as this shitty person, me view on this is, in order to get to that level, you must go out and just be around people. And your body will adjust to that. You will get this sense. I dont think I am negative, I do stuff, I try my best at that, focus on them, I listen to people, but it seems like, as I mentioned, I exude some negative energy. I cant get good at this if I am at home. But when I am out I just... I cant go to others and talk to them, get into groups because I think I cant give any value to their life. I am the kind of guy who wishest best to people, wants others to be happy but because I am this piece of shit I feel like maybe I should avoid people not to bring them down emotionally.

Sorry for not being clear first time.

Anonymous's picture

Also, now that I thought about that, I think the problem is my social value. The way I come across is based on my life that sucks. So I dont really feel good about myself and having "sexy walk, sexy voice, sexy anything" will not help me in a long run. Maybe for one night stands. I think I can dress ok now that I read some articles on web about fashion, I am quite tall, 6'1, 154 pounds, low body fat, hairstyle suck yea, but only posture needs fixing and maybe 20 more pounds of muscle. So I guess after all this shit I came up with a week ago, I just need to focus on finding better job, be more engaged in some skill building like martial arts or coding in different languages, I always wanted to "create stuff" so I think I should just focus on things to make myself happy and be busy to maximal amount.

But thanks once again for the fundamentals tip, I appreciate that someone read that wall of text and tried to share his insight.

Diggs's picture

Hey Chase and anyone else who wants to chip in, sorry to go off topic but need some advice.
I have a little problem. Met a girl online hit it off, mostly over text. Saw som pics of her and she looked great, so we met up for a date and she just wasn't what I expected physically. Super sweet girl, 22, has a bit of baggage, been through something rough... Anyways obviously I'm not looking to go any further with her. My problem is how do I let her go easy without hurting her? She clearly likes me a lot and being a person with a very strong conscience I don't want to hurt her, she's been through enough. She texts me often and I just want to let her down easy and as painless as possible. Thanks in advance for any advice.

P.s. Could be a good topic for a future post.

Troy's picture

Hey Diggs -

there is an article on that which might answer your question: and i hope i got the link correct this time. ahhh. Chase, normally i use the anchor as shown below:

link texthow to let a girl down the right way

Troy's picture


Im going to ask you please and thanks to fix that link and comment i made above. Thanks. Also, im not sure how to make links properly. Could you summarize it for me how to make links, same as the various steps you use when writing an article. How to insert a link between a sentence, several links beside each other, attaching photos for links, e.t.c.. I already read the article on here showing how to make links but its confusing me. Could you summarize what i should do to make a link?

Also, just for practise i was thinking of using the boards to make a test topic for links. Is that ok for me to do?



Anonymous's picture

hi chase, people generally advise others to not care what others think about you, but what do you do in a situation where a rumor about you is or could be starting about you? i for one don't care what others think too much, but i also don't want something that is untrue and potentially disastrous to my reputation (which you must admit is important in the social and business realms).

also, i notice that the word emotional has a lot of negative connotation attached to it, whether it be describing men or women. i'm not saying it's attractive, but childish people can be some of the most successful people. it's not attractive to whine or talk down to people, but often these people are this way because they are better or have the reference experiences to back up that behavior. there's something unique about a leader who is extremely stubborn and opinionated. this type is usually more passionate than his antithesis, and it's because he's so confident and egotistical that he's able to either do his job better, see things that others don't see, or trust in his decisions better than others. it's not a quality that's necessary to be successful, but it's different, and it works for those who have it.

similarly, i find that acting childish does work in many instances. again, it's not attractive, but when you tried acting like an adult and you're still not getting what you want, is it an option to kick and scream or threaten to get your way, or does this ultimately impact your frame of being in control in the long run€?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

In the dating realm, when a woman feels she is able to get under your skin and upset you she feels like she has control over you and emotions. She'll start handling you with kid gloves and be careful what she says around you. Women love men who are like rocks who can handle their waves of emotions. If a woman feels she's dealing with a man who's just as emotional as her, she loses interest in him. Now because of the media today, men feel that it's okay to be a "man child" and throw tantrums and lose their cool. This is probably the worst thing you can do. One of the best things you can do is not put up with her attitude and walk away. If a woman is not working with you but against you just leave ship. Tell her, "I don't appreciate what you're doing and I'm not going to tolerate this behavior."

This let's women know that you're strong and don't let people walk all over you. It lets her know that you are a very dominate men. Weak men throw tantrums and fits when they don't get what they want. Strong men go back to the drawing board and make a new plan. Now keep in mind the context of what I was writing about applies to the seduction world. In the business world many employees are afraid to speak out against their bosses because of termination. As a result they just grin and bear it. Hope that helps.

Take care,

Just Dave

Michal's picture

Hello, Chase.
I read the article on breaking the ice yesterday, now this one. It seemed similar in a certain way. In that ice-breaking article, you mentioned that if a girl stops feeling tension, then she stops caring and loses interest. Yet, mostly Ricardus said that guys should be honest about what he wants with a girl. That seems contradicting itself.

My assumption with this is that we should show her our interest through our actions like moving her, date, inviting her home/setting dates at home so we dont rob her of that anticipation. And maybe if she asks what is our intention with her, dont say "I want to fuck you, then we will see if we are sexually compatible" but something like I said like "I usually sleep with certain women who can be *something*" so she still is not sure? I mean, where can you trully be honest with girls? Saying things explicitly not just implicitly? My only thought is during break up but other than that? People tell me I am very honest, but I think it hurts my chances with girls nowadays because I still dont know how to use it properly.


David Riley's picture

Hey Michal,

You can be honest with women about the right things at the right time. Like you said you never want to rob women of the anticipation of what's to come. I'm normally very honest with a woman when I'm alone with her on a date. Because I screen for women who are attracted to me and want to move things forward. When I'm alone with her and we've built an emotional connection, I seek to build a psychical connection. I tell girls I'm very upfront about my intentions and I use very direct game. I don't hide my intentions, and either they are with the program or I move on.

One thing I don't do is over compliment a girl before I've slept with her. Because it makes me seem needy and that I'm trying to win her over. Just let women know that I'm really interested to know them because something drew me to them. I never tell them what that something is until after we've kissed at least once. I'm definitely with you on keeping your mystery up, but a little honesty never hurts. You can tell a girl, "I like the way that dress looks on you." or "I like how you got dressed up for me." One of my favorite things to do to a girl is to have her wear my favorite color lipstick for me on a date. "I really find girls who wear lipstick attractive."

You raise a good point about being honest on the right things. You don't want to scare a girl off by being to vulgar. Save that for when you're about to fuck. "I want to do so many things to you." Women have asked me many times what I want with them, I say "I want you to keep my company while I finish my beer then we'll see." You want to give a woman the "I want you but don't need you attitude."

Take care,

Just Dave

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