Setting a good foundation socially can set you up to stumble across receptive girls and make the process of meeting new ones almost automatic.
Most guys who are great with women eventually develop this skill as a result of developing their attitude and then naturally falling into it, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take away some good things at your current level by becoming aware of some foundations of sociability.
I’m going to go over quite a bit here in bullet form, and then I’m going to give you a bit of a run down on why the points are key. Some might seem really common sense, others less, but overall you want to look at the big picture and measure in your own mind how you are addressing these points now and how that compares to something more ideal.
Social Cues to Look For
First off, let’s look at some social cues that show an inactive social dynamic.
- People acting lazy (poor body language, turned away, isolating themselves)
- People drifting apart (sinking under the pressure and needing some help)
- People making pointed declarations (note that snappiness leads to people getting caught up in a tangle very easily)
- People scoffing and isolating themselves (generally a defensive move that people do after they have given up applying effort)
When people are in this lazy state, it is really hard to come by respect in that group if you don’t change it first into a respect rich environment. If you see this kind of dynamic it is important that you get moving on changing it, because when there is an abundance of respect present it is going to be much less difficult to come in and introduce yourself, or get respect, and that is going to reduce any likelihood of you being introduced within a hostile group and getting caught in a nasty web that will drag you back and burden your aspirations so far as girls go.
Indicators of a respect rich environment: (move towards this, or take a mental note when you see this happening)
- New conversations starting
- Surrounding people getting involved
- Comfortable and open body language
- A general lack of concern about details and a good mood
Often groups get bogged down in details and trivial things: who’s what is who’s, why is his thingy better than that thingy, and this is something that really clamps down on a group’s ability to be engaged in problem solving and effectively spreading a good energy to the people they meet.
Ideally you want your groups to be free flowing and to operate independently of micromanaging behaviours, because that is a foundation that will help support you as you move ahead.
The Group Must Move
How to get this ball rolling:
Keep things moving
Stay away from negative influences (e.g. creepy guy nearby that is high/crazy, bad music/drinks/atmosphere). Good social leaders don’t sit down and settle in when the environment is bad but generally less savvy people make the mistake of ignoring it.
Go to the top (don’t spend time wrestling around, see what you can do in the most effective way). If the group rolls downhill it’s going to be much easier.
Don’t give time to things that don’t earn it, or that aren’t upbeat and interesting (keeping things streamlined helps you avoid cheap tactics from negative influences, whether intentional or unintentional).
Be more composed than others in difficult situations (this gives people better cues on behavioural expectation and lets them feel comfortable ignoring trivial things that might otherwise irritate them).
Empower members of the group (gets them continuously contributing, which helps avoid big stalls and silent patches due to imbedded fears, etc.).
This might seem obvious, but it is important to really solidify in your mind that groups are meant to move.
There is an old Eastern proverb, “Running water never grows stale”, and social groups are a lot like that. So long as things keep moving and keep flowing nicely, things are much more likely to work out well.
How to Run the Group
Anything that puts a spanner in the gear work really needs to be adjusted so that things move smoothly, and most of the time that comes down to creative problem solving and the willingness to go ahead and do things that will improve the group’s flexibility.
Some important things to embody:
Treat everyone with some respect and let them self-manage to their best ability
Be a good conversationalist, so they can easily reinvigorate a conversation by getting you to chime in for a bit, and get things moving again
Don’t be after validation, but be a source of intrinsic contentment
Make it seem easy, reduce the “fluster” factor that comes with social energy
Be very well contained, emotionally, verbally, and in regards to rewarding people, keep it humble
Being socially graceful really comes down to blaming others vs. doing something productive. Try to never get tied down into really complicated and heavy threads, always keep a group light and forgive a lot in the name of moving forwards.
Taking things personally and getting your nose out of joint is the fastest way to really stop the clockwork of a group and cause them to focus on errors and get caught up in fears and what to not do, rather than what to do and other healthy directions of thought.
You don’t have to be the best conversationalist, but you should be able to be light and fast enough on your feet that no one ever has to carry you, and so that you can help carry conversations when people might need some help. And while you are at it, be humble about it and treat it like it is no big deal, because it is important that groups stop taking count because it helps them become free-moving socially.
Be a catalyst for growth; act well socially even when you are acting independently.
To be a good social leader it is important that you are comfortable alone, but not “superior” alone. The important thing is that you are open and accepting without having to lean on or burden other people. And whilst you are free-roaming, it is important that your high level of openness is a catalyst for a few other things that are great for your groups:
- Connect new people
- Discover new relevant information
- Bring back support
- Create a new group that can operate independently and work with the previous group
When you wear this kind of confidence people will tend to come up to you more often, and this is where you:
- Speak less to see more
- Identify things that are important to people around you
- Relax and let things come to you more than you go to them
- Act warm and caring to a few who are interesting and add to the atmosphere
This will create great tension for the group dynamic.
And furthermore, when you are in tune with this theme of behaviour or have a sense for maintaining this tension, it will make the idea of open expression around you appealing.
Speaking less, identifying what is important, being relaxed and warm, are all things that are really going to make a member of a moving and dynamic group more engaging, because it weighs on people a lot less than a guy that tries to “lock in” and “grab” every person they talk to.
So learn from these points to be graceful and try not to have an agenda that you are pushing onto any particular person at any time.
Women in Groups
- Keep steady and slow
- Don’t rush to conclusions
- Don’t judge
- Keep happy and independent
- Connect with them when you meet, then taper the intensity down to a more consistent level
- Mirror their excitement for a moment and then return to general momentum
- Look ahead a few steps, and help them avoid anything embarrassing or disempowering
- Have relaxed but graceful body language
- Keep a simmer on conversations
- Focus on more physical, surrounding things
- Don’t act too bashful – be clear and straightforward
- Don’t over extend yourself; keep some plausible deniability
Women aren’t looking within a group for Mr. Charming or Mr. Macho, they are generally looking for guys who can “hold their own” when being addressed. If you set yourself into a habit of being relatively clear and accessible to women, they will tend to open up and talk to you more.
It is somewhat counterintuitive, but guys that don’t make a spectacle out of themselves really are a lot more fun to be with, while the other guys are more fun to make comments about and keep at a distance.
And since socializing is best done up close, make sure that girls aren’t given too many reasons to keep you further from reach, and that’s why most of these points are laid out above. So try not to overdo anything.
The Most Difficult Part?
Emotional management and a good energy.
If you do all of the above rigidly, you won’t really get any decent results, because people tend to take it all for granted. So don’t be a people pleaser or a faker; achieve all of the above and make it fluid; make it so that you apply all these things as if second nature, as if it is all connected by one attitude.
Act like a person who THINKS about things others neglect; who helps people have a better time because you aren’t self-obsessed or all caught up in nonsense. Be practical.
And along with that, be fun, adaptable, and lighten the load for people so that you have a better group dynamic to share your time with.
Enhancing How Much You are Respected Manually
Here are just a few words on getting a bit more leverage working in your favour, because often if you don’t quite get how the more foundational stuff work, you need something to dig into.
Try not to be too heavy-handed or “demand” respect; you really should only be applying very light-weight “tactics” to keep things running smoothly.
Something to keep in mind is that, in general, people follow the people they admire. They are watching how you handle yourself.
So develop the following points:
- Minimize flinching, supplicating, rationalizing, making excuses, etc.
- Be agile enough to handle pressure and not crumble and reduce rigidity
- Be an example
- Help people in a way that works (then they will have your back)
- Keep the topics of focus beneficial for everyone
- Be willing and able to walk away without making a scene or holding your breath or saying “I’ll show you!”
- Give people a hook now and then or a nice way to see things that they can support
- And keep free of any heavy and chronic entanglements that will bog you down in drama
The more people respect you and your instinct on things, the better.
To do this you want to have some value that is hard-earned, and relevant to moving forwards, but not too overwhelming. This can be as simple as having applied effort and thought into how you treat people and expect to be treated, it can be as simple as managing your emotions well, it can be as simple as setting a few great examples or supporting people.
People really are not complex when it comes to dynamic groups, so minimal things like the above are just a few great ways to really solidify and move forwards on getting a lot of respect.
In the end, being social and receiving the status rewards is a lot like treading water really well. It is about composure under a lot of fluctuating conditions and about not over-extending yourself into out-of-wack behaviours that might cause problems down the road.
The best approach in my opinion is to keep it somewhat low-key, be discreet, make sure the group is in a surplus of respect and good emotions, and become a part of the calmer social center that helps coordinate the movement of the group.
As a final note, remember that if you care about social things, or you work towards caring about social things, it goes a long way to turning all these bits and pieces of advice into a very real understanding of how to be deserving of status in your groups.
And once you sync in with a good intent for the groups you operate within, it is very likely that people will develop a healthy respect for you, and that women will give you a little more leeway because of your social accomplishments or give your more opportunities to get things started with them.
But if I had to sum up all this into one piece of advice I would say that being social is about being genuine and really adding to the group in a way that keeps it fresh and alive.
Being fluent as a social leader isn’t something you develop overnight, so set some good foundations, keep a lookout for these kinds of things, and let your understandings and skills mature into genuine social ability.