How to Be Social and Lead a Social Group

Setting a good foundation socially can set you up to stumble across receptive girls and make the process of meeting new ones almost automatic.

social group

Most guys who are great with women eventually develop this skill as a result of developing their attitude and then naturally falling into it, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t take away some good things at your current level by becoming aware of some foundations of sociability.

I’m going to go over quite a bit here in bullet form, and then I’m going to give you a bit of a run down on why the points are key. Some might seem really common sense, others less, but overall you want to look at the big picture and measure in your own mind how you are addressing these points now and how that compares to something more ideal.

Social Cues to Look For

First off, let’s look at some social cues that show an inactive social dynamic.

  • People acting lazy (poor body language, turned away, isolating themselves)
  • People drifting apart (sinking under the pressure and needing some help)
  • People making pointed declarations (note that snappiness leads to people getting caught up in a tangle very easily)
  • People scoffing and isolating themselves (generally a defensive move that people do after they have given up applying effort)

When people are in this lazy state, it is really hard to come by respect in that group if you don’t change it first into a respect rich environment. If you see this kind of dynamic it is important that you get moving on changing it, because when there is an abundance of respect present it is going to be much less difficult to come in and introduce yourself, or get respect, and that is going to reduce any likelihood of you being introduced within a hostile group and getting caught in a nasty web that will drag you back and burden your aspirations so far as girls go.

Indicators of a respect rich environment: (move towards this, or take a mental note when you see this happening)

  • New conversations starting
  • Surrounding people getting involved
  • Comfortable and open body language
  • A general lack of concern about details and a good mood

Often groups get bogged down in details and trivial things: who’s what is who’s, why is his thingy better than that thingy, and this is something that really clamps down on a group’s ability to be engaged in problem solving and effectively spreading a good energy to the people they meet.

Ideally you want your groups to be free flowing and to operate independently of micromanaging behaviours, because that is a foundation that will help support you as you move ahead.

The Group Must Move

How to get this ball rolling:

  • Keep things moving

  • Stay away from negative influences (e.g. creepy guy nearby that is high/crazy, bad music/drinks/atmosphere). Good social leaders don’t sit down and settle in when the environment is bad but generally less savvy people make the mistake of ignoring it.

  • Go to the top (don’t spend time wrestling around, see what you can do in the most effective way). If the group rolls downhill it’s going to be much easier.

  • Don’t give time to things that don’t earn it, or that aren’t upbeat and interesting (keeping things streamlined helps you avoid cheap tactics from negative influences, whether intentional or unintentional).

  • Be more composed than others in difficult situations (this gives people better cues on behavioural expectation and lets them feel comfortable ignoring trivial things that might otherwise irritate them).

  • Empower members of the group (gets them continuously contributing, which helps avoid big stalls and silent patches due to imbedded fears, etc.).

This might seem obvious, but it is important to really solidify in your mind that groups are meant to move.

There is an old Eastern proverb, “Running water never grows stale”, and social groups are a lot like that. So long as things keep moving and keep flowing nicely, things are much more likely to work out well.

How to Run the Group

Anything that puts a spanner in the gear work really needs to be adjusted so that things move smoothly, and most of the time that comes down to creative problem solving and the willingness to go ahead and do things that will improve the group’s flexibility.

Some important things to embody:

  • Treat everyone with some respect and let them self-manage to their best ability

  • Be a good conversationalist, so they can easily reinvigorate a conversation by getting you to chime in for a bit, and get things moving again

  • Don’t be after validation, but be a source of intrinsic contentment

  • Make it seem easy, reduce the “fluster” factor that comes with social energy

  • Be very well contained, emotionally, verbally, and in regards to rewarding people, keep it humble

Being socially graceful really comes down to blaming others vs. doing something productive. Try to never get tied down into really complicated and heavy threads, always keep a group light and forgive a lot in the name of moving forwards.

social group

Taking things personally and getting your nose out of joint is the fastest way to really stop the clockwork of a group and cause them to focus on errors and get caught up in fears and what to not do, rather than what to do and other healthy directions of thought.

You don’t have to be the best conversationalist, but you should be able to be light and fast enough on your feet that no one ever has to carry you, and so that you can help carry conversations when people might need some help. And while you are at it, be humble about it and treat it like it is no big deal, because it is important that groups stop taking count because it helps them become free-moving socially.

Be a catalyst for growth; act well socially even when you are acting independently.

To be a good social leader it is important that you are comfortable alone, but not “superior” alone. The important thing is that you are open and accepting without having to lean on or burden other people. And whilst you are free-roaming, it is important that your high level of openness is a catalyst for a few other things that are great for your groups:

  • Connect new people
  • Discover new relevant information
  • Bring back support
  • Create a new group that can operate independently and work with the previous group

When you wear this kind of confidence people will tend to come up to you more often, and this is where you:

  • Speak less to see more
  • Identify things that are important to people around you
  • Relax and let things come to you more than you go to them
  • Act warm and caring to a few who are interesting and add to the atmosphere

This will create great tension for the group dynamic.

And furthermore, when you are in tune with this theme of behaviour or have a sense for maintaining this tension, it will make the idea of open expression around you appealing.

Speaking less, identifying what is important, being relaxed and warm, are all things that are really going to make a member of a moving and dynamic group more engaging, because it weighs on people a lot less than a guy that tries to “lock in” and “grab” every person they talk to.

So learn from these points to be graceful and try not to have an agenda that you are pushing onto any particular person at any time.

Women in Groups

Regarding women:

  • Keep steady and slow
  • Don’t rush to conclusions
  • Don’t judge
  • Keep happy and independent
  • Connect with them when you meet, then taper the intensity down to a more consistent level
  • Mirror their excitement for a moment and then return to general momentum
  • Look ahead a few steps, and help them avoid anything embarrassing or disempowering
  • Have relaxed but graceful body language
  • Keep a simmer on conversations
  • Focus on more physical, surrounding things
  • Don’t act too bashful – be clear and straightforward
  • Don’t over extend yourself; keep some plausible deniability

Women aren’t looking within a group for Mr. Charming or Mr. Macho, they are generally looking for guys who can “hold their own” when being addressed. If you set yourself into a habit of being relatively clear and accessible to women, they will tend to open up and talk to you more.

It is somewhat counterintuitive, but guys that don’t make a spectacle out of themselves really are a lot more fun to be with, while the other guys are more fun to make comments about and keep at a distance.

And since socializing is best done up close, make sure that girls aren’t given too many reasons to keep you further from reach, and that’s why most of these points are laid out above. So try not to overdo anything.

The Most Difficult Part?

Emotional management and a good energy.

social group

If you do all of the above rigidly, you won’t really get any decent results, because people tend to take it all for granted. So don’t be a people pleaser or a faker; achieve all of the above and make it fluid; make it so that you apply all these things as if second nature, as if it is all connected by one attitude.

Act like a person who THINKS about things others neglect; who helps people have a better time because you aren’t self-obsessed or all caught up in nonsense. Be practical.

And along with that, be fun, adaptable, and lighten the load for people so that you have a better group dynamic to share your time with.

Enhancing How Much You are Respected Manually

Here are just a few words on getting a bit more leverage working in your favour, because often if you don’t quite get how the more foundational stuff work, you need something to dig into.

Try not to be too heavy-handed or “demand” respect; you really should only be applying very light-weight “tactics” to keep things running smoothly.

Something to keep in mind is that, in general, people follow the people they admire. They are watching how you handle yourself.

So develop the following points:

  • Minimize flinching, supplicating, rationalizing, making excuses, etc.
  • Be agile enough to handle pressure and not crumble and reduce rigidity
  • Be an example
  • Help people in a way that works (then they will have your back)
  • Keep the topics of focus beneficial for everyone
  • Be willing and able to walk away without making a scene or holding your breath or saying “I’ll show you!”
  • Give people a hook now and then or a nice way to see things that they can support
  • And keep free of any heavy and chronic entanglements that will bog you down in drama

The more people respect you and your instinct on things, the better.

To do this you want to have some value that is hard-earned, and relevant to moving forwards, but not too overwhelming. This can be as simple as having applied effort and thought into how you treat people and expect to be treated, it can be as simple as managing your emotions well, it can be as simple as setting a few great examples or supporting people.

People really are not complex when it comes to dynamic groups, so minimal things like the above are just a few great ways to really solidify and move forwards on getting a lot of respect.

In the end, being social and receiving the status rewards is a lot like treading water really well. It is about composure under a lot of fluctuating conditions and about not over-extending yourself into out-of-wack behaviours that might cause problems down the road.

The best approach in my opinion is to keep it somewhat low-key, be discreet, make sure the group is in a surplus of respect and good emotions, and become a part of the calmer social center that helps coordinate the movement of the group.

As a final note, remember that if you care about social things, or you work towards caring about social things, it goes a long way to turning all these bits and pieces of advice into a very real understanding of how to be deserving of status in your groups.

And once you sync in with a good intent for the groups you operate within, it is very likely that people will develop a healthy respect for you, and that women will give you a little more leeway because of your social accomplishments or give your more opportunities to get things started with them.

But if I had to sum up all this into one piece of advice I would say that being social is about being genuine and really adding to the group in a way that keeps it fresh and alive.

Being fluent as a social leader isn’t something you develop overnight, so set some good foundations, keep a lookout for these kinds of things, and let your understandings and skills mature into genuine social ability.

Cody Lyans

Cody LyansAbout the Author: Cody Lyans

Girls Chase’s resident “man of mystery”, Cody shows shy, quiet guys how to turn these traits into assets. Girls call his style “cool and calibrated”; he’s adept at smoothly meeting girls everywhere from the beach to the dance floor. Cody prides himself on versatility, and specializes in both fast (~20 minute) hookups, and slow, sensual seductions. Book a phone coaching session with Cody today to learn from him directly.


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Anonymous's picture

When you are at a party, how do you refuse when people offer you to take drugs while still seeming cool?

Cody Lyans's picture

Avoiding peer pressure is at its best when you are in a good group dynamic, they won't mind at all and will adjust according to members wishes.

If you don't feel like it, just say you don't feel like it and tell them they can go ahead, and give yourself something to do so you don't act awkward.

Its true that some people get annoyed but that is their problem not yours. Live how you want to.

Ankit's picture

A deep article are doing great..thanx

sub's picture

First of all, Thanks you guys for your effort and helping us to reconstruct our lives.

I am a beginner in both seduction and social arts and right now grappling with following situations---

Even some 6-7 months ago i was a bit socially award type(thanks to girlschase, things are improving rapidly) and didn't have many friends specially in college.Later on I have worked on fundamentals like conversation,developing charisma,joined club for public speaking etc.
Right now ,people accept me quite well and i feel much comfortable in social situtation.

but my problem is threefold :
firstly , In new social scenarios ,despite being well accepted and appreciated by people, i am not being able to make new friends.
I cant figure out how to offer right values to them to make friends as chase said in his articles.Point to be noted both in public speaking club and in other new scenarios most people belongs to higher rank(but not too high,maybe one or two) of society than me.Though i try my best to act elegantly before them .

Secondly , in college where permanent social circles are already there, i left alone.Nowadays when i make good presentation or win medal in college boxing, people do appreciate but still i am one who has no real to change this situation

Third, In college there are some really cute girls , but i often hesitate to approach them due to low confidence ( in college only) for not having any solid social circle(read friend circle). Those girls are belong to entirely different circle but i'm afraid, they can find out my situation if they wish to know.

Other than these , i am doing fine, approaching women in street and getting some success also( needless to say credit goes to girlschase)...Any help in this regard will be much appreciated .

Cody Lyans's picture

It sounds like you are hesitating and selling yourself short.
The best way to get over that is to do something highly energetic with someone. The energy becomes contageous, people open up, and you can propose a drink or getting some food and chat.

If that happens frequent enough things will just change and click
That is where I would start

R.A.D.'s picture

Nice article and as someone who works in groups it has a lot of complex info summed up in there.

If you read the end of the article be genuine and secure of your desition but without diqualifying anyone. Ive been surrounded by people who takes drugs and i never did it and that doesnt separate us from sharing other things. In fact if you state your desision but showing respect for their desision by dont feeling uncomfortable about it its something quite refreshing to people who take on drugs and if they "other" you its just a matter of keeping your vibe (because you were cool up to this point and if you werent you wont start being by taking drugs) and they will forget about it in a second.

A person with strong beliefs but humble and open is always respected.

Just a simple no thanks and keep your focus on whatever was/is happening.

David Riley's picture

Hey R.A.D.,

I agree and with what you said and I want to add to it, it's important for people to remember to be non judgmental. This how people go to the "other" mindset as you mentioned. No one wants to feel like someone is looking down for doing the things we do. Like you mentioned, you just have to let some people do them and you do you. Regardless, people will respect someone way more if they're not a follower orif they're not judging.

Take care,

Just Dave

R.A.D.'s picture

You are right about that. I remember that while i was always used to be with different people with different views of things, it wasnt easy to let go the "im superior or inferior because i or they do or dont do x thing" way of thinking. Either thing puts you in a position were its very difficult or directly imposible to connect with others.

David Riley's picture

Excellent Points R.A.D.

To keep from getting into that mindset myself, I often ask people why they feel that way about xyx. I enjoy engaging with them on their particular interests. I find asking questions gets people to lower their guard and build harmony between the two of you. It's really cool when you find yourself connecting with someone who you may have initially thought you wouldn't hit it off with.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

I have a girl that I've been dating for about a month. She's an amazing girl that I enjoy the company and value she brings into my life. She was originally my study-buddy for two days before I took her to bed and according to her I am or was rather, a good lover. I've read the article on premature ejaculation, but my mind is still caught up in that shit that I haven't been able to overcome it yet. I am only 18 years old and an early ejaculation has never been a problem for me before. She was home alone and had asked me to sleep over, she cooked me an amazing meal while I sat there and sipped a glass of red wine. Moments later she jumped on top of me and we started kissing. Her breath got increasingly heavy and I knew that she was def. on. I picked her up and threw her on the bed and started undressing her. We kissed, touched, licked. My penis was in her for about a minute or two before I came. I bet you, that moment felt like an insult to my manhood. I thought that the second round would last longer as it usually did, but it was as bad. I couldn't handle all the thoughts that were going on in my head so I decided to leave and hit the clubs instead and get this whole incident out of my mind. Two days later she, (yesterday really) she came by my house and we watched a movie in my bedroom, we started kissing and undressing. I was chewing a bubble-gum and managed to convince my brain that I was bored and it worked, I fucked her and I didn't feel the sensation to cum. When she noticed that I was chewing gum while fucking her she felt insulted. She thought that I was bored of her body and I didn't feel her. We stopped and I explained my situation to her.
"Oh" she replied. The room was now quiet and very awkward for a moment. "I think we should stop having sex altogether until you're ready 'coz I can't take this anymore." ... "what's the use" she said.

Painful words, but I understand. My main question is, despite all the good-feeling she brings into my life, I don't think I can change her perspective of me until I give her the best sex she's ever had. I remember reading once in article on this site that "A relationship without great sex is just friendship" and I believe in that. I just, want to know, should I break up with her and let her go - because, eventually she going to go out there and find a man who gives it to her hard. In the works of a LTR, I think the only way to avoid infidelity in this situation is to plain and simply break up with her.

Cody Lyans's picture

We offer phone coaching here at girlschase if you really need to talk it out

But, from where it stands it looks more like you fear infidelity, not being seen as worthy, etc etc more than erection issues.

It is a somewhat complex issue with a few factors involved, but this won't go away by just pushing it aside, you have to step up with a clear goal in mind, and go forwards without a bitter or emotionally bent up mindset

340Breeze's picture

If you haven't already, it'd be interesting (to me at least) to see an article from Chase or others on your experiences with social circle and share any conclusions that you've drawn over the years, and how they've impacted how you operate with women, and what you do when women ask you to meet their friends. I'll state some of my experiences below, and maybe you guys can help me explain my experiences with social circle. I have had some positive and negative experiences. But I've concluded that I have little motivation to meet a woman's friends because my focus is simply seducing and sleeping with the girl. Impressing her friends and making them "accept" me into their circle is too much effort for the results that I want.

People that look a certain way and speak a certain way might have had different experiences than me, but I'm black, dark chocolate, and from the Caribbean.

White Girls

I've done very well with American white girls who are established in life, and have other professional white female friends. I tend to do well with their female friends, they're usually warm and open to me, and curious about me and where I come from. I simply run my process on them (minus the sexuality) and things go well with them. I banter, tease, tell them stories about the Caribbean, make them laugh, and things usually go well, they eat me up. But I tend to get aloof treatment from some (but not all) of their white guy friends if they have any. They're a harder nut for me to crack. Some of these guys don't have as good social skills as the women, and they commit the occasional faux pas about things they thought they understood about American black people. I'm left just having to smile and remain calm at their lack of social grace and politely scold them. Rarely, I meet some white guys in a woman's social circle who are extremely personable, but for the most part the ones I meet (at least here in the Mid-Atlantic region of the East Coast) are visibly intimidated by me. Others resort to asshole behavior by entering into the competition/try-to-throw-me-under-bus tactics with me. I just smile to myself and remind myself thank-god i'm not trying to fit in with these people and I just return the asshole favor to them and that ends that. After a while once they see I could give a fuck less about fitting in with them, they chill out, especially if I am dominant with them via subtle frame control about why their behavior toward me is less than superior. Others are cool, slower to warm up, but we usually get to talking about something we have in common. I usually have to do all the work to create the comfort though.

And I've had an interesting experience with American black women and their social circles.

Black Girls - professional-minded, but not yet established

With black women who were not yet as established as me in life (i.e. still in law school or med school but not yet in the professional work force) I've ran into trouble at times with their social circles if their friends who are also college kids and are african-american (vs international). I seem to generate a lot of hate especially with the men or the lesser attractive women. For some reason some black americans appear to not like the fact that there are non-african-american black people that have more success than them, and they find petty and negative things to say (usually behind my back). Invariably, the first question I get from them, in a superior inquisitive kind of tone is: what school did I go to, where do I work, kind of questions. Like a clear status comparison: "let me see if I am better than this guy" kind of questions. Now my schooling and my background are clearly better than most of these people, but I don't aim to shove it into their faces. When they figure out that I went to a better school than them, then their next question usually along the lines of who do I know, how can I help them improve their lives. If I give them nothing, they remain aloof and indifferent.

Now I can head these things off at the pass by taking an interest in them, and bringing value to the table, teasing them (challenging them by engaging in asshole behavior: saying my school's football team is better than theirs or insulting them in a funny kind of way etc). The key is to get them to focus on other things in life other than my position on the social ladder. But to me, this is too much effort... I don't want a woman's friends (many of whom have little to nothing to offer me) to be my friends. I don't want to impress them, I don't care about them at all. So I'm not feeling especially social I just hang back and don't say much, I just check my fone, etc, text other people, and I don't try to fit in at all. Other times if I'm more social then I shoot the shit and like I said being an asshole (kinda like on the basketball court) seems to work with these types. I don't know why people seem to think it's cool to be an asshole to strangers, but this is my experience. If the venue is small like an intimate setting where we're all seated at the same table then usually conversation flows well enough. But if the venue is larger at like a party, what happens is people tend to associate in their cliques and in order for me to get into any kind of conversation with people would mean roaming the room. This where I run in to the most trouble because if I don't roam then either her friends would hang back and not come up to me, or if I go up to them when she's not around and they don't have her presence as social pressure, they engage in asshole behavior toward me.

Women in general want their friends to be impressed by the men in their lives, probably because their friends' opinions hold incredible sway over how they feel. Women don't want their friends saying negative things about the man they like. But the thing with me is people who aren't yet all that established in life and don't really have much value to offer me, and engage is silly/petty status comparison games don't impress me at all. And this is a chicken and egg problem for me because I see little to no reason expend any effort to impress them at all to make them say to her while I'm not around "I like that guy!".

I'd only be doing it for her benefit, not mine, and I have reached the point in my life where i say "FUCK EM" to whoever doesn't like me/or is not impressed by me. My experience is they act petty, aloof, superior, indifferent, and engage in throw-me-under-the-bus tactics. I've always encountered asshole behavior from many (but not all) younger african americans probably due to my difference in culture. Being an asshole back works to a degree but I have no incentive to socialize with any passion with people who don't make me feel amazing. Add to the fact that my life is going much better than theirs adds fuel to their fire. They seem to think that because they're black americans means they're somehow inherently better than me, and then when they realize that actually my life is far more successful then theirs, some just try to find something negative to focus on...and then when I destroy them with asshole behavior by implying that they could go fuck themselves that's when they chill out.

But I already have good friends who are amazing at forming connections, and since I've attained success in life without these kinds of people; if they engage in asshole behavior with me, or start comparing themselves with me, or do little to nothing to form a connection with me, I get bored. I don't need 'em. But this angers the women that I've dated in this category because they want their friends to like me. But I don't want their friends to like me, I want to like their friends (who act like assholes) first otherwise, fuck 'em. I know if I put in the effort I could win them over, but it wouldn't be for my benefit, just hers.

Black Girls - professional-minded, and established

I've met the social circles of older-than-me and established/professional American black women. The circles I met were established and professional black people too. I've clicked with them as soon as I meet them. No petty competition tactics. These people have already done the hard work to become established and they (in my experience) did not engage in petty behavior like their younger counterparts as discussed above. The ones I met were just happy to see someone else that is younger than them who looks like them that has done the hard work too. They've tended to have more social grace than their younger black counterparts as discussed above. I've just bantered and shot the shit with them and formed some cool new connections. Invariably, they've been older than me (mid 30's and 40's).

International Women

And I've met the social circle of international women (Brazilian, Greek) and they've been very exceedingly warm to me. Much warmer than most Americans. The social circles that I met were comprised of people from these women's home countries. For the most part their friends seemed to be intrigued by me because I'm a professional American (success is sexy), and I took a personal interest in them and their country and culture (charm and curiosity is sexy). Based on things they'd say, it seemed to surprise them that an American exists that doesn't insult their countries or act like America is on top of the world (their words). I've had extremely deep and intellectual conversation about life stories and future hopes and dreams with some of the people in these social circles. This happened right away, spontaneously right off the bat. There were no visible worries (on either end) about where anyone stood on the social ladder, they didn't care where I went to school, or anything like that. It was all about my social skills and my conversational ability to connect. That's it. Because I showed personal interest in them, they showed it right back to me, effortlessly. I can't say if they dislike black people in secret or not, but their treatment was very warm to me; just the women I met. I was instantly included into their circle (even though I didn't care if I was or not). This is why most of my friends on the East Coast of America tend to be international or have international parents. The other close friends I have are invariably from the West Coast or Midwest...

What about you guys what have your social circle experiences been as you've seduced various women (American and non-American) and have interacted with people from around the globe?



Cody Lyans's picture

Applying the effort and finding the motivation to get into
a) pissing contests
b) socialising

Shouldn't be boxed together as one thing
Differentiate the two
a) when people try to create a contest I feel I need to know more about who they actually are and find something interesting so it doesn't turn me off straight away
b) I will apply effort to socialise with your friends, so that things run smooth, but, I'll go past it and probably do other stuff if they can't keep up :P

Ultimately you don't want to act superior or have others doing that, you just wanna give people enough momentum socially that they don't have to focus on you and comparissons.

Tiago's picture

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The content of it is complete and deep!

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