Being charming is a trait most of us are taught to aspire to from a young age. From fiction novels to Disney movies, the ladies always seem to swoon for that man who can charm his way right into their hearts.
But how do you get to be a charming man? And how important is charm in your process of seduction?
Today I’m going to give you a comprehensive look into charm. And it probably won’t be exactly what you expect. Charm is a double-edged sword that can be a great boon in certain situations, but a harmful bane in others.
I’m going to help you figure out when it’s most useful, and how to effectively wield your charms for seductions and relationships.
defines “charm” as:
“A quality that causes someone or something to be very likeable; an attractive air.”
Before I really started stepping up my game with women, I was always very concerned with what people thought about me. I didn’t go after certain goals because I was afraid of what people would say if I failed or if I made myself look stupid. I didn’t go after certain girls – not because I was respecting the bro code – but because I didn’t want some orbiter being upset with me for trying to go after “his girl.”
And before I ramped up my seduction skills, the compliment I heard most often was, “Colt, you’re so charming!”
That was a fair compliment. At this point I had plenty of girls who liked me as a friend, and plenty of people who wanted to be around me. But compared to number of people who enjoyed my company, I had very few girls who wanted me as a legitimate lover.
On the other hand, after I greatly improved my seduction skills, girls that I took as lovers never once called me charming, unless we were in a relationship. If we were just lovers, their friends would call me charming, their co-workers would call me charming, their sisters would call me charming… but they never called me charming.
When Being Charming is Helpful
I realized that being seen as charming is essentially being seen as “high social value.” But - and here’s the caveat - it’s high-value by everyone who is not your lover. Charm is:
- Being thought of as “kind”
- Being thought of as reliable
- Being thought of as a good potential provider
- Being thought of as valiant or chivalrous
- Being thought of as amiable or likeable
Charm is tied up with all of the qualities that you make you attractive as a long term partner. It shows all the people in a girl’s life that you will stick around, that you will treat her well, that you will fit into her social groups, and that you will protect her.
Being charming doesn't help you bed girls, but it will help you in terms of building trust, and laying the foundation for a relationship. Charm essentially helps girls develop “old love” for you. But it won’t help in building that hot, intense, passionate lust that you feel when you want to jump into bed with someone.
When Being Charming is Harmful
So how can charm possibly hurt you?
If you don’t pay attention to when you decide to be charming, it can actually lessen your ability to take women to bed quickly (and, by extension, at all). Let’s take a look at why this is:
Being seen as charming can pump your value too high. Men who are charming only become that way by developing a great amount of social grace. And social grace only comes from being a high value man. Thus, your charm is an automatic tip to women that you are a high value man. So when you turn on the charm, it’ll be really important to dial down the value when you’re asked about the other aspects of your life, and not take yourself seriously.
Charming men are… very predictable. They are very nice. They don’t take chances if it’ll put their reputations or someone else’s feelings on the line. They don’t like to put their foot down unless they absolutely have to. They can often be taken advantage of.
It puts you too close to being a white knight. If you don’t have solid fundamentals, or haven’t developed a decent amount of grit, focusing on developing charm can put into the mindset of wanting to “save” every girl from a bad relationship and be her white knight. This is a very dangerous mindset to find yourself in.
It can make you too conscious of what people think of you. As I’ve said many times in my past articles, the most well-liked people are those who are kind to others, but at the end the day, don’t actually care what most people think about them. But most men who are charming are focused on making a great impression on everyone. This can mean that they’re too gun-shy about stepping on toes to get what they want.
So how can you get the benefits of charm while avoiding the pitfalls?
Be Charming and Sexy
Chase sometimes talks about the misleading nature of Disney movies and overall Disney fairytale culture. He couldn’t be more right. Despite the fact that Disney princes are often called “charming,” they really aren’t that nice. Think about Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin, or any other Disney fairytale. Sure, the princes are romantic, but they are also bold, resourceful, assertive, and even aggressive – all qualities that are extremely attractive to women.
The princes know what they want, and they aren’t afraid to fight for it and take it. But when they are around the family of the princess, they are all hugs and kisses, and happily ever after. They have the confidence to get the princess, and they have the charm to gain her trust, build old love, and keep her.
This is the exact dichotomy that you want to strive for if you want to truly master charm.
So let’s now look at how you go about accomplishing this dichotomy.
Mastering charm is definitely easier for people who are naturally extroverted. This is because being charming means emoting a lot of positive energy through emotional contagion and being able to interact with large groups of people with anxiety.
For people who are naturally introverted, these steps will still apply, but to a lesser extent. However, as Chase discussed in his article on Social Styles, the more you practice seduction and social interaction, the more you will become confident, dominant and extroverted through the process. So just keep that in mind if you are on the more introverted side of things.
These are the steps you’ll need to take in order to be charming while still remaining sexy to women:
You must love women (or learn to). You absolutely have to be a lover of women. If you don’t have a deep appreciation for all of the beauty and graces of the female sex, then there’s no way you’ll be able to charm and mesmerize them. If you read this site regularly, that’s probably something you don’t need to worry about. But in case you don’t love women quite yet, or you’re hung up on that one special girl, it does need to be stated as a prerequisite.
Compliment girls very often. Girls never get tired of being complimented. Ever. Especially by powerful men. If loving women is the foundation of charm, complimenting them is the frame. Learn how to be observant and give girls genuine compliments. This means compliment girls you’re attracted to, their friends, women at the store – as many as you can. This will lead you to learn how to…
Provide positive feelings. Charm is all about positive emotional association. Women are always looking for men who will inspire them. This includes both your lovers and your female friends. If women have the mental association of you as a person who will constantly build them up and compel them to be better people, they will always want to be around you. And if you date their friends, they will be your biggest champions and supporters. You must provide positive feelings.
Learn how to make friends with other guys. This may seem somewhat counterintuitive, but an important aspect of charm is being able to talk to other guys. If you meet a high value girl that you could see yourself in a relationship with (or close to one), there’s a very good chance that she will bring around other couples that she knows and have them meet you. And you better believe that she’s going to be judging your ability to interact with the boyfriends of all the girls she’s close with.
Furthermore, if you ever have to deal with annoying guys in your girl’s life – from her orbiters to her ex-boyfriends – charm will help you diffuse any potentially volatile situations.
Back in the days where I used to be an orbiter, I found myself chasing after a girl who had been dating a guy for over a year. Even though my seduction skills weren’t anywhere close to honed, I did have pretty good instincts, and I could tell that:
She was attracted to me
She was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend
But, as girls will sometimes do, she felt compelled to excitedly introduce me to her boyfriend. I could immediately tell that he sniffed me out as a threat from a mile away. Sensing his suspicions, I immediately turned on the charm, and began deep diving him about the actually very interesting art project that he was showcasing in the middle of our city.
This immediately lowered his defenses, and he entrusted me with many personal details about his life. He and the girl ended up breaking it off a month or two later, and she and I ended up becoming lovers a month or two after that.
One night we were out on the town and she had her arm around my waist as we walked to a club to meet up with some people. We ended up running into her ex on the street on the way there.
I don’t remember having found myself in such a situation before that point, and I kind of froze for a second, getting ready for things to escalate quickly. But… instead of getting upset or being offended, he just put his arm on my shoulder and said, “Watch out Colt. This one thinks she’s much better than she is,” and then disappeared into the night.
That was it… no shouting… no fighting. He went from cold suspicion to friendly (though somewhat bitter) warning just because I was able to charm him the first time we met.
Be helpful and generous without supplicating. This is the idea behind conspicuous consumption done the right way. It’s being a leader vs. being a doormat. In order to develop charm, you must learn how to help people without them taking it for granted.
I use a sliding scale to determine whether or not I will help someone in a given situation. Basically, I take Law of Least Effort and sprezzatura into account, and I weigh the amount of effort I’ll have to expend vs. how long I’ve known the person.
A couple of examples:
If I’ve just met a girl and she asks me to give her a ride across the city (high investment), I will kindly decline and offer to call her a cab instead (low investment). Whereas I probably would give a friend of several years a ride
Conversely, if a girl I’ve just met is providing stimulating conversation, is being sexy, and asks me to make her another drink, I’ll reward her and definitely make another (low investment). However, if she tries to take advantage of my kindness and ask me to do ten more things for her (high investment), then I’ll decline again
Thus, charm is all about learning the ability to toe the line between kindness and dominance. The only way to learn the right balance for you is to put yourself in many different situations that test your social skills.
And no matter what you end up doing for someone, if you decide to do it, it should be no big deal. I’ll normally give someone warm eye contact with my hand cupping her arm, and say “No worries.” And then I never speak of it again. They’ll remember it, and I’ll be able to ask them for a favor if I ever need it.
If you remain a strong, dominant man but still are able to go out of your way to make people feel good through small deeds, that will add to your persona of charm.
Have integrity. A large part of charm is making people greatly respect you and the ideals that you hold. That means that you have to hold firm in a higher standard that you set for yourself and the people around you. And that means that you have to stop caring about what others think if you know you’re doing what’s right for you.
Be warm. People who are charming are warm and approachable. These are hallmarks of charm. If you need to work on being warm and inviting, read these articles on body language and being warm:
Become a master of touch. There is no man who is thought charming who isn’t a master of touch. You have to be able to touch women and make them feel happy and at ease. If you haven’t quite gotten the mechanics of your touch down, read this article:
Be humble. Once you get a full grasp of charm – assuming you dress well, are well-groomed, and have good fundamentals – you’ll start to receive compliments from women pretty frequently. To avoid pumping your value too high, becoming annoying or becoming unapproachable, you must remain humble. Turn the compliments and conversation back on the and make them swoon even more.
Be smooth. Being smooth is on the highest level of the charm ladder. Once you’re smooth, it’ll be very easy for you to transition to being confidently charming when needed. Learn how to be smooth and you’ll learn the final key to the deadly combination of sexy/charming.
Charm can definitely be mastered, and when used right, it can help you get in the good graces of everyone in your girl’s life, and help your girl develop loyalty and old love for you.
Just make sure you remain sexy and strong while exercising your charms.
Use your new abilities wisely.