How to Be Charming with Women You Meet (10 Steps)

Being charming is a trait most of us are taught to aspire to from a young age. From fiction novels to Disney movies, the ladies always seem to swoon for that man who can charm his way right into their hearts.

how to be charming

But how do you get to be a charming man? And how important is charm in your process of seduction?

Today I’m going to give you a comprehensive look into charm. And it probably won’t be exactly what you expect. Charm is a double-edged sword that can be a great boon in certain situations, but a harmful bane in others.

I’m going to help you figure out when it’s most useful, and how to effectively wield your charms for seductions and relationships.

how to be charming

Merriam-Webster defines “charm” as:

A quality that causes someone or something to be very likeable; an attractive air.

Before I really started stepping up my game with women, I was always very concerned with what people thought about me. I didn’t go after certain goals because I was afraid of what people would say if I failed or if I made myself look stupid. I didn’t go after certain girls – not because I was respecting the bro code – but because I didn’t want some orbiter being upset with me for trying to go after “his girl.”

And before I ramped up my seduction skills, the compliment I heard most often was, “Colt, you’re so charming!”

That was a fair compliment. At this point I had plenty of girls who liked me as a friend, and plenty of people who wanted to be around me. But compared to number of people who enjoyed my company, I had very few girls who wanted me as a legitimate lover.

On the other hand, after I greatly improved my seduction skills, girls that I took as lovers never once called me charming, unless we were in a relationship. If we were just lovers, their friends would call me charming, their co-workers would call me charming, their sisters would call me charming… but they never called me charming.

What gives?

When Being Charming is Helpful

I realized that being seen as charming is essentially being seen as “high social value.” But - and here’s the caveat - it’s high-value by everyone who is not your lover. Charm is:

  • Being thought of as “kind”
  • Being thought of as reliable
  • Being thought of as a good potential provider
  • Being thought of as valiant or chivalrous
  • Being thought of as amiable or likeable

Charm is tied up with all of the qualities that you make you attractive as a long term partner. It shows all the people in a girl’s life that you will stick around, that you will treat her well, that you will fit into her social groups, and that you will protect her.

Being charming doesn't help you bed girls, but it will help you in terms of building trust, and laying the foundation for a relationship. Charm essentially helps girls develop “old love” for you. But it won’t help in building that hot, intense, passionate lust that you feel when you want to jump into bed with someone.

Charm will also help you in winning over her family and preventing cockblocking from her friends, which are both incredibly useful.

When Being Charming is Harmful

So how can charm possibly hurt you?

If you don’t pay attention to when you decide to be charming, it can actually lessen your ability to take women to bed quickly (and, by extension, at all). Let’s take a look at why this is:

  • Being seen as charming can pump your value too high. Men who are charming only become that way by developing a great amount of social grace. And social grace only comes from being a high value man. Thus, your charm is an automatic tip to women that you are a high value man. So when you turn on the charm, it’ll be really important to dial down the value when you’re asked about the other aspects of your life, and not take yourself seriously.

  • Charming is the opposite of sexy. Sexy men are edgy. They hold steadfast to their lifestyles. They don’t change for people they don’t respect. They take chances. They are unpredictable.

    Charming men are… very predictable. They are very nice. They don’t take chances if it’ll put their reputations or someone else’s feelings on the line. They don’t like to put their foot down unless they absolutely have to. They can often be taken advantage of.

  • It puts you too close to being a white knight. If you don’t have solid fundamentals, or haven’t developed a decent amount of grit, focusing on developing charm can put into the mindset of wanting to “save” every girl from a bad relationship and be her white knight. This is a very dangerous mindset to find yourself in.

  • It can make you too conscious of what people think of you. As I’ve said many times in my past articles, the most well-liked people are those who are kind to others, but at the end the day, don’t actually care what most people think about them. But most men who are charming are focused on making a great impression on everyone. This can mean that they’re too gun-shy about stepping on toes to get what they want.

So how can you get the benefits of charm while avoiding the pitfalls?

Be Charming and Sexy

Chase sometimes talks about the misleading nature of Disney movies and overall Disney fairytale culture. He couldn’t be more right. Despite the fact that Disney princes are often called “charming,” they really aren’t that nice. Think about Beauty and the Beast, or Aladdin, or any other Disney fairytale. Sure, the princes are romantic, but they are also bold, resourceful, assertive, and even aggressiveall qualities that are extremely attractive to women.

how to be charming

The princes know what they want, and they aren’t afraid to fight for it and take it. But when they are around the family of the princess, they are all hugs and kisses, and happily ever after. They have the confidence to get the princess, and they have the charm to gain her trust, build old love, and keep her.

This is the exact dichotomy that you want to strive for if you want to truly master charm.

So let’s now look at how you go about accomplishing this dichotomy.

how to be charming

Mastering charm is definitely easier for people who are naturally extroverted. This is because being charming means emoting a lot of positive energy through emotional contagion and being able to interact with large groups of people with anxiety.

For people who are naturally introverted, these steps will still apply, but to a lesser extent. However, as Chase discussed in his article on Social Styles, the more you practice seduction and social interaction, the more you will become confident, dominant and extroverted through the process. So just keep that in mind if you are on the more introverted side of things.

These are the steps you’ll need to take in order to be charming while still remaining sexy to women:

  1. You must love women (or learn to). You absolutely have to be a lover of women. If you don’t have a deep appreciation for all of the beauty and graces of the female sex, then there’s no way you’ll be able to charm and mesmerize them. If you read this site regularly, that’s probably something you don’t need to worry about. But in case you don’t love women quite yet, or you’re hung up on that one special girl, it does need to be stated as a prerequisite.

  2. Compliment girls very often. Girls never get tired of being complimented. Ever. Especially by powerful men. If loving women is the foundation of charm, complimenting them is the frame. Learn how to be observant and give girls genuine compliments. This means compliment girls you’re attracted to, their friends, women at the store – as many as you can. This will lead you to learn how to…

  3. Provide positive feelings. Charm is all about positive emotional association. Women are always looking for men who will inspire them. This includes both your lovers and your female friends. If women have the mental association of you as a person who will constantly build them up and compel them to be better people, they will always want to be around you. And if you date their friends, they will be your biggest champions and supporters. You must provide positive feelings.

  4. Learn how to make friends with other guys. This may seem somewhat counterintuitive, but an important aspect of charm is being able to talk to other guys. If you meet a high value girl that you could see yourself in a relationship with (or close to one), there’s a very good chance that she will bring around other couples that she knows and have them meet you. And you better believe that she’s going to be judging your ability to interact with the boyfriends of all the girls she’s close with.

Furthermore, if you ever have to deal with annoying guys in your girl’s life – from her orbiters to her ex-boyfriends – charm will help you diffuse any potentially volatile situations.

Back in the days where I used to be an orbiter, I found myself chasing after a girl who had been dating a guy for over a year. Even though my seduction skills weren’t anywhere close to honed, I did have pretty good instincts, and I could tell that:

  1. She was attracted to me

  2. She was on the verge of breaking up with her boyfriend

But, as girls will sometimes do, she felt compelled to excitedly introduce me to her boyfriend. I could immediately tell that he sniffed me out as a threat from a mile away. Sensing his suspicions, I immediately turned on the charm, and began deep diving him about the actually very interesting art project that he was showcasing in the middle of our city.

This immediately lowered his defenses, and he entrusted me with many personal details about his life. He and the girl ended up breaking it off a month or two later, and she and I ended up becoming lovers a month or two after that.

One night we were out on the town and she had her arm around my waist as we walked to a club to meet up with some people. We ended up running into her ex on the street on the way there.

I don’t remember having found myself in such a situation before that point, and I kind of froze for a second, getting ready for things to escalate quickly. But… instead of getting upset or being offended, he just put his arm on my shoulder and said, “Watch out Colt. This one thinks she’s much better than she is,” and then disappeared into the night.

That was it… no shouting… no fighting. He went from cold suspicion to friendly (though somewhat bitter) warning just because I was able to charm him the first time we met.

  1. Be helpful and generous without supplicating. This is the idea behind conspicuous consumption done the right way. It’s being a leader vs. being a doormat. In order to develop charm, you must learn how to help people without them taking it for granted.

I use a sliding scale to determine whether or not I will help someone in a given situation. Basically, I take Law of Least Effort and sprezzatura into account, and I weigh the amount of effort I’ll have to expend vs. how long I’ve known the person.

A couple of examples:

  • If I’ve just met a girl and she asks me to give her a ride across the city (high investment), I will kindly decline and offer to call her a cab instead (low investment). Whereas I probably would give a friend of several years a ride

  • Conversely, if a girl I’ve just met is providing stimulating conversation, is being sexy, and asks me to make her another drink, I’ll reward her and definitely make another (low investment). However, if she tries to take advantage of my kindness and ask me to do ten more things for her (high investment), then I’ll decline again

how to be charming

Thus, charm is all about learning the ability to toe the line between kindness and dominance. The only way to learn the right balance for you is to put yourself in many different situations that test your social skills.

And no matter what you end up doing for someone, if you decide to do it, it should be no big deal. I’ll normally give someone warm eye contact with my hand cupping her arm, and say “No worries.” And then I never speak of it again. They’ll remember it, and I’ll be able to ask them for a favor if I ever need it.

If you remain a strong, dominant man but still are able to go out of your way to make people feel good through small deeds, that will add to your persona of charm.

  1. Have integrity. A large part of charm is making people greatly respect you and the ideals that you hold. That means that you have to hold firm in a higher standard that you set for yourself and the people around you. And that means that you have to stop caring about what others think if you know you’re doing what’s right for you.

  2. Be warm. People who are charming are warm and approachable. These are hallmarks of charm. If you need to work on being warm and inviting, read these articles on body language and being warm:

  3. Become a master of touch. There is no man who is thought charming who isn’t a master of touch. You have to be able to touch women and make them feel happy and at ease. If you haven’t quite gotten the mechanics of your touch down, read this article:

  4. Be humble. Once you get a full grasp of charm – assuming you dress well, are well-groomed, and have good fundamentals – you’ll start to receive compliments from women pretty frequently. To avoid pumping your value too high, becoming annoying or becoming unapproachable, you must remain humble. Turn the compliments and conversation back on the and make them swoon even more.

  5. Be smooth. Being smooth is on the highest level of the charm ladder. Once you’re smooth, it’ll be very easy for you to transition to being confidently charming when needed. Learn how to be smooth and you’ll learn the final key to the deadly combination of sexy/charming.

Charm can definitely be mastered, and when used right, it can help you get in the good graces of everyone in your girl’s life, and help your girl develop loyalty and old love for you.

Just make sure you remain sexy and strong while exercising your charms.

Use your new abilities wisely.

Carpe diem,


Colt WilliamsAbout the Author: Colt Williams

Raised in the American Midwest, Colt Williams made a name for himself in dating with a style based on soulful poetic seductions and playful dance floor antics. His style is all about inspiring girls and drawing them into one’s world. You can book phone coaching with him here, or get a copy of his guide to getting laid on Tinder, the product of months of study and experimentation by him on the medium.


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Troy's picture

this is my favourite article from you Colt. Thanks and your articles always add a icing to the cake! Respect

Colt Williams's picture

I appreciate the love! Thank you, Troy!


blubby's picture

"Before I really started stepping up my game with women, I was always very concerned with what people thought about me. I didn’t go after certain goals because I was afraid of what people would say if I failed or if I made myself look stupid. I didn’t go after certain girls – not because I was respecting the bro code – but because I didn’t want some orbiter being upset with me for trying to go after “his girl.” "
This is exactly my situation. Lucky me I had the idea to visit GC one last time before going to bed. And I wrote this comment before I have even read the whole article.

Colt Williams's picture


Sometimes life has crazy timing, my friend. Hope you made moves and it worked out for you.


340Breeze's picture

You speak about effortlessness from the perspective of the amount of effort you, the charmer, must expend in a given situation.

What about looking at effortlessness also from the perspective of you, the charmer, providing value? You do the work in secret (e.g. planning a trip, a surprise party, a gift, an outing in the park to meet a new puppy, etc) so that people around you that you like and are invested in you can have an easier time than they otherwise would. This is akin to what capitalists do..they desire your money so what do they do? They develop a product (e.g. iPhone) then make you desire it via advertising, so that you are incentivized to act on what you desire. They make it easy for you to spend $$.

So if you, the charming seducer value the time, sex, etc, from select people, make it as effortless as possible for them to spend time with you... and present things you plan in ways for them to desire spending more time with you. The main problem you face however is people not necessarily appreciating all the hard work you put in behind the scenes, and then coming to expect you to do most of the work/planning while they sit back and wait for you to delight them...

Any thoughts?



Colt Williams's picture


I say that if you are charming man, first off, you should not be doing extravagant things very often. You should do small things here and there, but if you do something extravagant:

A. You should be willing to put in the effort with the understanding that people may not appreciate how much time/planning you put in. That's part of being a strong man, if you do put in a lot of effort, you should play it off as if it was child play.

B. If they do notice, you should make it about the people when they compliment you. "340Breeze, this is such a great party! Thanks for putting in all this work." "No worries, I just wanted to make sure that everyone had a great time. I'm glad you like it. How's life?"

Those are my general thoughts. Don't do extravagance when there isn't an occasion. When you do something extravagant, people will notice, and play it off and use it to bond with them. Then you'll still be charming and strong.


Anonymous's picture

Hey guys, be so kind to answer my question.

If the girl talks about other men in her life and she basically says that her heart belongs to some guy she haven't seen in a long time, does that mean I'm in the friend zone already?


Colt Williams's picture


Her mentioning that her heart belongs to a guy of her past *does not* mean that you are in the friend zone. One of my most serious relationships came out of one of these situations. If she's mentioning that, it means that she is attracted to you and what's you to know where she stands romantically.

In these situations, it best to be light/chill about it. Just make sure that when you spend time with her, you just fun. You want to be sexual, but you want to do it in a playful way and make it clear that you're not there to put any emotional pressure on her. The funny this is, if you stay chill and fun, if you guys have good chemistry, and if you are constantly improving yourself, she will eventually develop strong feelings for you and this guy of her past will become irrelevant.

Good luck.


Anonymous's picture

Great advice, thank you

Marty's picture

Hey Colt,

Wonderful article all told, but in particular, I wanted to bring up the "lover of women" question that you put as a condition for being charming—in the appropriate way!

I'm naturally a lover of women, I simply can't help it, pretty much everything about them delights me and all the hard work I'm doing on my social arts over here, while valuable in itself, has little to do with this particular issue.

However, one thing I've noticed is odd. When a woman is not (yet) in a relationship with a man, she is attracted to him more when he is a "lover of women"—and conversely, if he dotes on her, she despises and derides him.

But once she is in a relationship with him, the preference appears to flip: all of sudden, this "me and only me" refrain appears in her repertoire, and she wants nothing more than for him to stop being a lover of women and dote on her instead.

First of all, is my read correct? It may not be. And if it is, why is it so?

Thank you!

Colt Williams's picture


Your read is mostly correct. Basically, women are naturally wired to compete for the most dominant man. So if you are a dominant man, you're not going to be spending all of your effort trying to have sex with her. You're going to be dealing with all of the women you find attractive. That's why girls don't like men who chase. She wants to beat out all of the other girls and make herself the only girl in your life if you're top quality.

However, if you do choose her, then she doesn't want to compete against other girls, at least *not to the extent* that she did before. She wants to know that she's won you...mostly. That's why you should be faithful and treat her well, but she needs to subconsciously know that she is not the be all end all in your life. So you want to tone down your love for women, but you definitely want her to know that other women still desire you -- but that she is your number one.

To the victor go the spoils.


Brian48's picture

I read ur white girl/black dude article and I saw on the comments u recommended the shadow fade and the other fades. I previously had the even cut with not a lot of waves. So me being a barber in training I gave myself the shadow fade in the mirror with the crisp lineup and everyone complimented me on it and said I should keep the style, so thanks for the advice. What your opinion on dreads tho?
I feel you on the ghetto white girl thing. I was in a relationship with a white girl in '08 who despite being raised in a middle class house did nothing but smoke weed, do coke when she could, and eventually got hooked on PCP ( she was adopted and her birth mother was drinking while she in the womb, so I think fetal alcohol syndrome had sumthing to do with it). The bitch even gave me gonorrhea.
Anyway she could cook her ass off so she had me hooked for about 2 years.I didn't really know to set boundaries or have any relationship management skills back then. I tried to control her threw verbal abuse, temper tantrums, stalking her and constantly threatening to break up with her. As you can imagine the relationship was a complete disaster.
Anyway I live in a pretty diverse area and its a lot of interracial dating. One thing I notice tho is that the white girls and Spanish girls who date out their race prefer brown to dark skin dudes while lighter skinned brothers like myself seem to take a back seat (just like most light skinned sisters normally date darker dudes).
I mean I can get them here and there like as rebound dude or whatever but feel like I'm always like a stopgap with them. You know like a jump off. I leave them alone for awhile and next time I run into them they in some serious relationship with a chocolate brother. I swear the shit never fails. Then if I ever hear from them again its only because they mad at their boyfriend and they want to fuck me out of spite or whatever.
I swear chicks be dogging light skin brothers like dudes dog whores and fat chicks. I remember reading Malcolm X when I was younger and him saying he could never be a manwhore to white women because he wasn't dark enough and that they wanted a "real" negro. I brought this topic up to my cousin whose light skinned too and he thinks I'm crazy because he gets all kinds of women. I tried to explain to him that paying to get a kinds of women isn't the same thing but he doesn't seem to get it(then he wonders why he's always broke, go figure, lol).
Anyway whats your opinion on this, I feel like I'm being discriminated against.

Colt Williams's picture


I'm glad the shadow fade worked out. It's a good cut. have to be the right kind of person to pull off dreads. If you're kind of a hippy or a little rasta, then dreads will definitely work. If you're a little eccentric, then dreads may work. But basically, dreads are a statement, so you have to be confident and own them if you want to dread your hair. And they take a lot of maintenance. But, I've never seen you before so you're better off asking people you know what they think. In terms of getting women, I personally think black men with shorter, clean-cut hair tend to do a lot better than their dreaded brothers.

I'm sorry to hear that druggie gave you and STD...but at least you learned from that unstable relationship. And your question is interesting because I've had the EXACT OPPOSITE experience. Just like your friend, I've noticed that all my half-black, half-white friends do the best with girls. They have the swag of black people, with the innocence and approachability of white people. All I can say is just keep trying man. Meet more women.

I promise there are too many girls out there who want light-skinned black men like yourself. Think about your process and if you're coming off awkwardly at all. If you're thinking about race -- even subconsciously -- girls will pick up on that and it'll hurt your chances. Just be confident and be yourself. And don't bother with girls who don't want you. Try to expand and go to new areas if you can.

But I assure you...being half black/white is an advantage. Just ask Drake.

Just keep putting in the work and one day you'll see what I mean.


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