How to Be an Asshole – and Become Adored by Women

If you've paid much attention to the men that women gravitate towards, they're pretty much all assholes.

Yeah, sure... deep down, they may actually be good guys. "An asshole with a heart of gold", for instance.

But, they're still assholes.

how to be an asshole

If you yourself are not an asshole though, adopting some of the traits of a guy like this so you can be an asshole can seem like something of a mountain to climb... society keeps telling you not to, but women's obvious mate selections over and over again keep telling you differently.

In "How to Spot a Girl Looking for Men", Michal asked about the path to embracing one's inner asshole:

Hello, Chase.

This kind of question usually never pops up so I am just gonna ask. How do I become more like a jerk or an asshole? I am too friendly basically, because parents and such always told me to be kind and polite and nice. Ugh! :-s

I dont want to seem as an ass at the end but... I have been trying to be more playful lately, trying some wit and I experiment with my female friends and they seem to enjoy it OR dont get it. And when I meet new girls I am this little kind person again because I dont want to seem awkward.

So how can I stop being viewed as this "kind and good hearted man" who "has no evil in his soul" as I once heard and have better personality that women respond to as if I was a man. Not friendly boy?

My fundamentals are bad and I am working on it but this is my biggest flaw right now. I am ok to have female friends, but I dont want every girl I meet to feel like I am her long lost friend from childhood.

Any possible advice? I guess move faster and dont miss "the windows"?

Thanks in advance.

Let's talk about jerks and assholes, then - and what it takes to be one.

how to be an asshole

I'm a big believer in being a genuine man - not a jerk.

But that doesn't stop women from calling me an asshole regardless.

"You're an asshole", when uttered by an attractive woman, can in fact mean several different things, depending on context and vocal inflection:

  1. "You're an inconsiderate loser, whom I resent and despise"
  2. "You're intriguingly challenging to control - my interest is piqued"
  3. "I can't get you to do anything I want - and I am so turned on right now"

Those last two are the ones we're interested in in today's article.

However, it's important you be the right kind of asshole - or you can end up being a #1 instead of a #2 or a #3 (and actually, you very frequently WILL end up being a #1 when you're just trying on your asshole hat for the first time... sort of goes with the territory).

Why Do Women Like Assholes?

I probably don't have to tell you, if you're reading Girls Chase, that women don't really mean it when they loudly moan about assholes to whomever is paying attention: "Why can't I ever just find a nice guy?! ALL I ever meet are JERKS!"

... not any more than they mean it, anyway, when they say something like, "Oh, WHY does chocolate have to taste SO GOOD?! Why can't it just taste horrible, so I don't want to have it anymore?"

Of course, nice guys hear this and think, "A HA! Women don't like chocolate after all... well, I'll just go be Brussels sprouts, and they won't be able to keep their taste buds off of me!"

But this is taking those words at face value, instead of reading the subtext.

And the subtext here is, she meets plenty of nice guys... probably way more nice guys than she does jerks, in fact.

She just doesn't date those guys, is all. She dates the jerks instead.

A jerk or an asshole intrinsically has most of the traits that we know women find maddeningly, lustily appealing in a man:

  • He has epic amounts of pride, which research has established is the single most attractive male facial expression (as discussed in "A Devil May Care Attitude: What It Is & How to Get It"), and among the most attractive male traits overall

  • He's selfish, dominant, decisive, and unapologetically goes for what he wants - all the qualities of a leader, and someone likely to be physically dominant as well - two other major attraction switches

  • He makes it clear quite quickly that he doesn't need women, and is willing to walk away if he doesn't get his way - an indication of an abundance mentality, which itself is an indication of preselection, a major attraction trigger

  • He moves fast with women, which keeps him hitting escalation windows and steers him far clear of the friend zone, a place he more or less never has to worry about ending up in

  • He's a natural user of sprezzatura and follower of the Law of Least Effort, simply because, again, he's selfish, and he's not going to work harder to do something he can accomplish with less work; nor is he going to second guess himself and race around trying to bend to other people's whims

He is, in other words, a walking sex symbol, sent straight from the pages of women's romance novels and out into the real world.

And, if you so choose, you can be just like him yourself, too.

Never Go Full Asshole

If you've seen Tropic Thunder, you doubtless remember Kirk Lazarus's actor's admonition to Chuck Speedman about never going full retard when playing the role of a mentally retarded person on screen.

Well, just like you never want to go full retard, you also never want to go full asshole.

FULL asshole is where you are SUCH a damn asshole that you're walking around ruining everybody's day around you just because.

Full asshole is when you're a dick for NO reason... just because you think that's what assholes do.

how to be an asshole

Yes, you will sometimes put a damper on someone's enthusiasm.

And sometimes you're going to be a dick.

But you want to have reasons behind your actions, and not be doing them out of spite, or for the fun of it. Doing that gets you labeled as that first kind of asshole we talked about above - not the sexy naughty one, but the despicable scumbag loser one instead.

Never go full asshole. Just go enough that you add some noticeable flair to your style.

how to be an asshole

If you came from a thoughtful, considerate household, you were doubtless taught the value of politeness, decency, and kind-hearted goodness Michal mentions above in his comment.

I can relate... I learned all these things too. And they're certainly valuable in their own respects; being able to fit into society has its place.

However... these traits are more disadvantageous than not when it comes to sleeping with girls and getting phone numbers and going on dates. You're better off not having them than you are having them when it comes to these arenas.

Reason being? Politeness is what you use not to offend... it's what you use with your superiors.

How much do you worry about being super polite to small children? Probably not much.

But when you're raised to be polite, you're raised to view almost everybody else as a superior in SOME respect - heck, you're even polite to homeless people... and may even feel obligated to give money if asked... because part of you feels like you HAVE to.

Part of you feels like you are the polite, yielding subordinate - and if asked, you must do.

And you even end up feeling this way with women.

And guess what? Women aren't interested in subordinates.

They want superiors.

And if you're being overly kind, considerate, and polite to them, they'll know right away that isn't you.


When I used to coach guys who were very new to getting girls, or just working on themselves socially, one of the top recommendations I'd frequently have for them would be: you need to spend a LOT more time just being an asshole to people, pushing the limits of what you can get away with socially, and saying NO.

And what I'd invariably find was that guys who were accustomed to being nice and polite often had great difficulty in doing this.

What happens is that a guy has spent so much time being polite his whole life, that when he does things that feel to him like he's being a big asshole, most people end up seeing him as still being really polite.

It's actually kind of funny.

The guy will be worried that he's just being too much of a dick... but people will keep telling him he's a really swell fellow.

So, while you don't want to go full asshole, you will need to push the boundaries a lot more than you're going to be comfortable with when you're starting out learning how to be a jerk, especially if you're used to being a good guy, respectful, and polite.

How to Be an Asshole

There are two sides to this:

  1. Mental, and
  2. Technical

Let's talk mental first, and technical second.

Being an Asshole: The Mental Side

All assholes have a pair of mentalities in common:

  1. What I want comes first. To an asshole, other people may matter... but what he wants matters most of all. A commenter just shared an opinion on the article about white knights that I am an asshole for sleeping with a girl who has a boyfriend... because I did not "respect their relationship dynamic." And you know what? He's right. As I mentioned in the comment section of the article on girls with boyfriends, my concern is my happiness and the girl's happiness - some guy I don't know whom she obviously doesn't respect enough to stay faithful to I'm not going to worry myself over.

    That's an opinion you simply cannot hold if you are a nice guy or a white knight... it's anathema to your belief system of not offending anybody or hurting anyone's feelings or stepping on anybody's toes. Don't hurt people you don't need to hurt - there's no need to be an out-and-out dick - but if you're trying to sacrifice yourself to save the world, an asshole you cannot be.

  2. You don't like it? Cool - there's the door. Another major difference between polite people and assholes is that polite people want everyone to like them, and will accommodate people like crazy to make sure that they do. Assholes, conversely, are far less attached to being liked by everyone... they know whom they want to like them, know whom they have to be to be liked by those people, and anyone who doesn't respond to whom they already are can go pound sand, because she obviously isn't the kind of person he's angling to meet and connect with.

    Note: again, not going full asshole here - you're not not accommodating anyone. Rather, you've tailored yourself to fit best with a certain kind of person - the kind of person you want in your life. People who dislike you, or the way you come across, get told to beat it - but you don't tell everyone to beat it. Only the people who want you to change radically to accommodate them, in exchange for... absolutely nothing of any real value to your life, aside from their fleeting, passing approval. No thanks; don't need it...

I wanted to list more, but I really think these two mentalities get right to the heart of the difference between a nice guy and an asshole. An asshole goes after what HE wants, first and foremost, and he has little interest in accommodating those who are not accommodating him.

You could write this down as "I'm my own man" or "I do what I want" or "I'm no one's bitch" or anything like that, and those would all be accurate too, but they all feel like overly ephemeral statements if you ask me.

If you want a couple of concrete, simple thoughts the mind can easily latch onto instead, they're:

  1. What I want comes first, and
  2. You don't like it? Cool - there's the door.

Being an Asshole: The Technical Side

how to be an assholeWhen you're new to asshole-dom, you're not always going to be following the mental precepts of the asshole code, simply because your brain is programmed to follow its old polite programming, and you're in the middle of, rather than already have completed, reprogramming it into jerk mode.

So, to help you along the path and keep you on course, here are some technical elements you can mix into how you interact with people to get you behaving like an asshole even when you aren't feeling like it quite yet:

  1. Demand equivalent or greater value exchanges for all things asked of you. Once you have mastered assholery, you can toss this one aside and embrace the Zen of being a Genuine Man who does things as he pleases without requiring compensation... but when you're still learning how to be an asshole, this rule is law. Rather than spell it out, I'll list here some examples to show you what this looks like:

  2. Girl: Will you buy me a drink?

    You: I will if we're sitting down - you go find us some nice seats where we can sit next to each other and chat, and I'll go grab us some drinks, savvy?


    Girl: Can you hold my jacket?

    You: I'm already carrying a lot, but if you can hold this heavy bag for me, I'll hold your jacket for you.


    Friend: Yo dude, can you give me a ride to the airport?

    You: Okay - but hot dogs and colas are on you.

    You can have some fun with this one, too - if you want to refuse a request, just make a ridiculous demand back (like in the jacket one - she wants you to lighten her load, but you offer to trade something heavier for her jacket instead). If the other person begs/pleads/insists on you doing the thing and them NOT doing the thing you asked for in return... all you do is say, "No way," and reiterate your demand. SHE needs YOU... you aren't the one who needs this favor here. If she wants your help, it's on your terms - or else she can scrap this request altogether.

    And... if you're worried about losing her interest in you if you refuse her request, just suck it up and do this a few times - you'll get comfortable doing this quickly enough. Trust me - if she leaves because you refuse compliance this way, you weren't going to get anywhere with her anyway. Girls who like you will stick around, even if you won't buy them a drink, so long as you aren't rude or insulting about it and deal with the request in a socially graceful (if assholeish) way.

  3. Don't move / respond unless absolutely necessary. When someone says, "Sorry?" or, "Come again?" pause for 3 seconds or so before you repeat yourself... most of the time, the person heard you the first time around, and just wanted a moment to think. By not immediately repeating yourself, you create tension, pressure her to acknowledge she heard and understood you, and display a jerk-like level of disregard for someone asking you to repeat yourself.

    Same with moving for people - don't scooch over or make yourself smaller just because someone sat down next to you in the booth or stood next to you on the bus. Let them move around you - or be fine taking up space.

    All those times you put a little extra effort in to be polite and accommodating of others - stop it. Make them move around you. Make them work for you. Stop making it easy for them. If you need help, just imagine/pretend you are totally oblivious, and don't move or similarly exert effort for someone else unless you absolutely have to and are being asked to do so directly (and decide to do so). 99% of the "would you please move" signs you'll get are nonverbal / implied - and pretty much all of these are safe to ignore. If someone is being genuinely polite to you BACK, he or she will ask, NICELY. Never accommodate someone who isn't polite enough even to ask you aloud for your effort, and instead just expects you to move. Just ignore these actions and pretend not to see - stay engaged in your conversations, don't break circle, or stare at the ceiling like you're completely spaced out if you have nothing better to do.

  4. When people fish for compliments... bust their stones. "Oh my God, I'm getting so fat!" If a girl says this around a nice/polite guy, his response is going to be something reassuring her that she looks fine to him. If she says it around you, though, you're going to say something more like this: [pinching a little belly fat between your fingers] "Uh oh, what's this doing here? Looks like someone's been enjoying a few too many cupcakes and not enough treadmill runs."

    This one's easy, because all you have to remember is that fishing for compliments = invitation to be busted on. Take her up on it - don't disappoint her by giving a boring nice guy compliment... there's no fun, surprise, or intrigue in that whatsoever.

  5. Tell stories about people trying to get things from you and you ignoring this. Do a little storytelling about some girl asking you for something ridiculous, and you just thinking that was really silly and cute, then yawning, and oh-welling. Or, tell that tale about some tough guy who was trying to intimidate you, and you just ignored it and went back to playing pool with your friends, because who cares about that guy, and then the guy tried to start a fight and the manager broke it up and kicked that guy and his friends out. Storytelling can be a very powerful way to communicate that you are nonplussed by people asking you for stuff, and are most definitely not an overly polite, overly accommodating person.

  6. Disagree with people. If you were raised to be polite, you probably learned not to disagree with people whenever possible... the reason being that you can cause them to lose face socially. Well, assholes don't care about this... if someone's wrong, he's wrong, and the asshole has no compunction about letting him (and everyone in earshot) know it. You don't have to throttle the guy completely, but if someone says something that's obviously wrong, jump in and disagree: "Wait, hold up, I want to point something out here that isn't entirely correct before we go on with the conversation..." if you're being diplomatic, or, "Oh come on... that's not true and YOU know it," if you're dispensing with diplomacy and just focused on driving the point home.

  7. Quit being a white knight. It's almost impossible to be an asshole while riding around gallantly putting women first and acting as hero to your fellow man and being at his service. Don't worry, there are PLENTY of guys out there who will be more than happy to step in and fill your white knight shoes... the world ain't even gonna miss you in that role. An asshole does not stick his neck on the line for people who aren't doing something equally awesome or better for him - unlike the gallant knight, he is not riding to your rescue, nor is he "always at your service." Instead, he's sitting at the bar drinking a beer and shrugging his eyebrows, watching in mild amusement at the latest ridiculous mess you've managed to find yourself in, before turning back to his beer. Again, he's not putting effort out for situations that don't involve him or demand his effort.

You may notice I didn't include "bust on girls" as a key trait of an asshole, except for girls fishing for compliments or asking for things you don't want to give them. Most people seem to think being an asshole is all about busting on people - it isn't.

It is, rather, about shrugging off people who try to waste your time and put you to work for their own comfort and convenience.

When a girl tells you you're an asshole, what she's really saying is, "I find I am unable to command you, as I do most men... and this interests me."

When Do You Dial Back the Jerk?

You need to go a little too far to the other side to learn where the borderlands are before you're able to successfully walk the line right down the middle of being just enough of an asshole that girls laugh and punch you in the arm and tell you you're an asshole from time to time, but largely overall view you as a genuine guy who's got the best qualities of both a good guy and a jerk wrapped up into one.

The goal of becoming a hardcore asshole is not to STAY a hardcore asshole. It is simply to learn what it feels like on the other side of the spectrum, and learn the limits of what you can get away with.

You'll probably spend a fair bit of (sometimes obnoxious) time being a jerk... and that's okay. This education period is still going to net you more results while you're in it than you had before you were in it - many more women date and sleep with jerks than they do kind, nice, gallant, defender-type guys... you can count on that much.

And, when you're ready... when you feel completely at ease inhabiting the role of asshole, sowing tension, annoyance, self-doubt, and grudging respect among the men and women you meet... you can bring it back down a notch, back into genuine man territory, which is enough of a good guy that you can inhabit a more mainstream role if you wish, but still right on the edge of what's socially acceptable - you're close enough to "asshole" that you'll get all the good, sexy benefits of this, and even still get called it often enough by adoring, flirtatious women.

Just keep in mind our mental tenets of being an asshole:

  1. What I want comes first, and
  2. You don't like it? Cool - there's the door.

... and remember how to be a jerk technically:

  1. Demand equivalent or greater value exchanges for all things asked of you
  2. Don't move / respond unless absolutely necessary
  3. When people fish for compliments... bust their stones
  4. Tell stories about people trying to get things from you and you ignoring this
  5. Disagree with people
  6. Quit being a white knight

... and you will be in very good shape.

Grade A asshole shape, in fact.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Velour's picture

Hey Chase,

There's this really cute girl I'm working with, and I've been feeling pretty good with our interactions, but what does it mean when she starts talking to me about hot guys? She wanted to show me guys that have messaged her on Tinder, and I was kind of like, "I don't care". If I talked to a girl about other hot girls, I'd probably not be that interested in her. Same deal?


Anonymous's picture

she's doing this probably because you look like you are confident in yourself, but womem trust themselves more than anything when it comes to conclusions.So to see if you are truly confident in yourself, see wants you to see how you react when she shows you other guys that have texted her.Its really just another female test to see if you are genuinely confident in yourself or if is all just a fake persona.if you react indiferent,if you dont get affected by it,good,you passed.
womem do these kind of tests all the time,mainly because they want to be sure that they end up with the right guy, not some fake.
as long as you keep your brain alert for these types of tests,you will do fine.they are actually quite obvious once you start to pay attention.hope it helped

Velour's picture

Yeah, man! Definitely good advice. Thanks.

J.B's picture

Find another girl, seems you have been friendzoned and she thinks of you as an orbiter/friend/nice guy.
Do the same to her and cut the interactions short and you'll see her either start chasing or looking for another "friend". Sucks but i've been there before.

Drexel Scott's picture

Not to jump on Chase's response, but if you want her to stop doing it WHILE also being an asshole...

Her: "Blah blah blah, so and so is really hot."
You: "Whoa, did you hear that?" (raise a hand to your ear)
Her: "No, what?"
You: "I think that was the sound of this conversation dying."

P.S.-- Have you heard of the "Instant Female Arousal Phrase?" It gets any girl soaking-wet and ready to BANG...even if you just met! Check it out right here:

Velour's picture

Haha yeah when I was reflecting on it, I was like, "Maybe I should've ignored her after all that," but that is a much more entertaining response. Cheers

Michal's picture

If you listened to her, maybe she will come again and talk about it again with you. And you might say "Ok, look, I dont care about your 'hot-male problems'. The other day, I just wanted to be polite. Go talk to your girlfriends about this, I have manly things to do."

I use this kind of response for many things these days and the girl gets upset a bit after that because "she wanted my help" and this kinda showed her I dont care that much about HER, not her "problems" because I guess a woman will take it personally if you help once but not second time. At least that is what I think. So after this turn down, I try to move to some lighter topics.

Nowadays, when a girl starts talking about other guys I take it more like "Ok, so here is your competition." and I usually roll my eyes and then stare to distance with bored face. Maybe someone who has "plan" would think it is good to gather information about his competitors. But on the other hand, if you are confident about yourself, you dont need it. I will get her either way so who cares about those guys whose only strength are their abs.

stratvm's picture

you`ve been friendzoned. move on.

Anonymous's picture

I think you have entered the infamous friend zone my friend. The moment she begins to have those type of conversations with you, you're in trouble. If you're really interested in her, play hard to get for a short period of time, but if all hope is lost, then become her bff. Best of luck

Gentle_Phrases's picture

Hey Chase,

Thanks for teasing out the differences between the sexy and the repugnant asshole:

"Most people seem to think being an asshole is all about busting on people - it isn't."

I never realized that at all...thanks again, Chase.

Atlas's picture

Great article Chase! This is exactly what I needed! I'm a super polite guy just because I was raised that way and I'm also kind of introverted. So I guess you could say I'm your typical nice guy while my one friend is an asshole and it is one of the reasons why he is so good with women. this describes him perfectly and I never understood how to be like him until now! Hope you make more like this in the future!

one Freerider's picture

Hi Cashe, I like the idea in this article and reminds me of those successful playboys in the movies. But I would like to stress out once more on top of what you've done; just the right ample amount of playful jerkiness is teasing and fun, especially in man and woman relationship. If this is overdone in any circumstances, it can ruin one's social status, work ethics, credibility and even increase the chance of being physical harmed. I've been there when I was a kid and that was one horrible memory that I hate due to the fact that I was doing it even though I didn't realize back then.

One of my friend (not a close friend...) does this to everyone around him for getting financial and other physical/emotional advantages, and many people hates him for that reason. This asshole is seen as a black consumer to businesses, a painful jerk to his friends, failing student to professors, slacker to employers and unwelcomed christian to priests at church.

I'm sure that this asshole is one extreme case but certainly exists and should be avoided in both getting around him or becoming like him if possible. I'm one of the exceptions that he doen't jerk around after showing him how much I hate seeing those jerks and that he lost my credibility. I still hear stories about him and every time I hear it I put this type of person on my blacklist for every catrgory (friend, social, employee, etc.).

My suggestion is that unless one has a superior skill set that people (women) need no matter what, one should only pretend to be a fake jerk but don't be a jerk jerk.


one Freerider

Nuncle's picture

All that said, in my experience (and as Chase points out) people like that tend to do pretty damn OK with women.

I have known some real, real assholes. I'm not talking guys with an edge. I'm talking insecure, touchy, ungenerous, anal, attention seeking, insensitive and aggressive.

They generally get plenty of attention from women, I suppose because they are strong and often get what they want over people who are more reasonable.

Also, if such an attitude gets them to the top, they can end up looking quite dignified after all.

Not that I'm advocating being like that, just pointing it out.

African boyo's picture

Hi chase

Your articles have helped me form relationships in the two areas of obtaining:
>romantic partners and

But what i would like advice on is how to obtain business contacts more especially how to network. What does the basic process of networking look like? In the case of romantic partners the goal is to get sex and into a relationship of some sort and my normal process relies heavily on compliance tests to gauge interest levels and increase investment. Basically my question is can you apply seduction principles to networking and if so how can you do this?

Chase Amante's picture


Certainly, there's a lot you can do with networking. I have it on the topic list already, but a few things off the top of my head are aim for the bigwigs in networking events (usually the older people); be mostly interested in what they're doing and how they got their start (same as what we talked about in the piece on guy talk), and when asked what you do, mention that you're mostly trying to figure out where your next great opportunity will be, and then talk (very briefly) about your background. If you've focused on making a great impression, and you're meeting the older folks there (who will tend to be the higher ups and the more connected individuals), you'll typically have them wanting to hook you up with something right away.

It's been years since I've done much professional networking, but the last few times I did any just following these steps I had people saying, "I think I know some guys who're looking to bring someone on with exactly your skill set - why don't you give my friends here a call and let them know I put you in touch."

Not so different from seduction, really - get them to like you and feel connected to you first, and then give them a little (let them know you're looking) and let them chase after you and show some interest.


Jasa's picture

Chase, does teasing come under the 'being a asshole' umbrella in that it moves you away from being mr nice guy and tells the girl that your the kinda guy who isn't afraid to say things that perhaps surprises her instead of saying what every other guys says. Most guys don't tease I don't think.

Also am I correct in believing that this whole 'bring as asshole' thing must be calibrated to certain girls ie depending on attainability and how better looking you are that her or how much more social status you have.

Surely in certain cases it's probably more efficient to tone this asshole thing right down to save you being too unnatainable etc when talking with a girl who is lower than you in the looks department etc.

I mean in regards to the bag scenario where you told the girl in no to holding her bag or coat because your already holding something heavy - I get how that would make a genuine 10/10 think Ohh ok here's a guy who doesn't put me on a pederstal, he's actually not doing what I ask, intriguing.

But with a different girl who is very nervous around you and isn't really sure if perhaps your too too far out of her league wouldn't just taking her coat kinda make for a more healthy attainability balance? And actually show her hmm well maybe he does like me just a little.

Have I got this right?

So going by the above logic is the being an asshole thing mainly beneficial for guys with lower fundamentals to boost thei intrigue and dominance? Whereas perhaps slightly catch 22 for guys with tight 10/10 fundamentals.

I guess what I'm asking is, is their a balance you must find in order to pull this off correctly?

Chase Amante's picture


Yes, that's correct - attainability plays a big role here.

If you're significantly higher social status / attractiveness / prestige / etc. over her, and she's borderline to auto-reject already, being too much of an asshole is going to make you too unattainable and she'll go cold.

Conversely, if you're a guy she might be inclined to be dismissive toward normally, a little more asshole than usual can really make her stand up and take notice.

You'll also see a big difference with women by confidence level: very quiet or unconfident women can't handle nearly as much as loud, confident ones who are used to chewing up and spitting men out can.

If you're ridiculously good-looking and impressive / high social status, you'll usually want just a touch of asshole, and otherwise mostly fairly nice. But you still generally will want at least a little bit in there, if only to make sure she understands you're not one of those pretty boys with no substance to him. All of my very good-looking, highly confident guy friends are generally a little assholish with girls, then rein it back in and go, "I'm kidding, I'm teasing you... come on, I'll buy you a drink." (this is also just generally an advanced seduction technique; if you can bring a girl right to the point where she starts to auto-reject, then bring her back from the brink and totally reverse how she feels toward her, her emotions toward you will spike and she'll become very sold on you, assuming you're otherwise an attractive-enough guy in general)


Sam2's picture

What if two assholes meet? Is there a way they can coexist or is it just a matter of time before the cord breaks? I have found myself in situations where the girl would ask for ridiculous investment prior to sex (with only kisses and physical intimacy), I would either refuse or accept, while pushing my own agenda and in the end we would cut off each other without any of us getting what he wanted.

Chase Amante's picture


Kind of like an unstoppable force and an immovable object?

It's usually just a matter of time before it goes up in flames. That's essentially a pair of TR/EXes or a pair of TR/INs meeting up and ending up in a tumultuous relationship together as discussed here: "The 4 Kinds of Girls and Which Ones YOU Should Go For."

You can get to sex with she-assholes if you are a he-asshole, but the relationship will tend to be a strained one.


Anonymous's picture

Hello Chase!
I was wondering what happens when two or more girls are interested in you and they are also friends with each over. Do they make like a secret pact or is it awkward between them?

This has happened to me and it seems really strange having those girl hit on me in front of their friends while knowing they are also interested...Also they try to probe me and understand which one of them i want by guessing,teasing,testing me etc.

As you understand this makes it hard to actually flirt with the one i want since she's always in the presence of her friends who want me.

Last, the good thing is it gives massive preselection and more possible options :)

Chase Amante's picture


Some girls will make a "pact" - usually with the dominant one (not necessarily the one YOU want, but rather whichever one has higher status in the group) declaring that she wants a man - but very often the lower status women in the group will agree verbally while working to seduce the man below the radar, undercutting the alpha female. Conversely, if a lower status girl declares she wants a man first, the alpha female will generally rein herself in even if she's interested, and let the lower status girl have him instead.

If you have the option to, it's usually best to sleep with the highest rank female who's interested in you first. If you're planning on knocking off multiple women in a single circle, you'll find a great deal more traction starting with the top gal and working your way down the ranks than you will moving in the opposite direction.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

I've been following your site for a while and there really are a lot of useful advices. However one topic that I think hasn't really been touched on is how do we deal with those very shy, conservative, nervous and inexperienced girls (I really hope you will write a full article on this!)

I've noticed that if I put on a seductive vibe when interacting with them, these girls can sometimes become very nervous, with trembling voice, looking down/away (not keeping intense eye contact), fidgety (playing with hair/whatever in their hand), sometimes even turn cold/aloof/mean whereas they had been very enthusiastic before (when we were just flirting/bantering playfully). It feels like they can't handle too much tension.

I can't tell if they are just nervous or are actually losing interest, since there are times when they responded enthusiastically and then alternating between this hot/cold attitude. It feels as though they are expecting something to happen, but are fighting against it since they are very shy/reserved by nature, probably very inexperienced too.

Do you have any advice on how to deal with these type of girls? In another article of yours you described how to give her butterflies in her stomach, but how do you put them at ease after inducing such feelings so that they don't go into auto-rejection?

Would be very nice if you can write an article about this!

Ramirezs316's picture

I've dealt with this exact type of girl at work before. We flirted while working together, and after a few days she got weird on me like a switch had flipped. She had just started dating some guy and needed to save face, so she started acting downright hostile to me.

My solution: ignore her as much as I could.

When working together, I acted cold toward her. When passing her or being near her, I wouldn't say hi. If I caught her staring at me, I would look annoyed or dismissive.

And weeks later, she openly flirted with me out of nowhere. At that point, I increased my interactions but kept them work related, never flirting back. She became a nervous wreck around me, lol. I finally asked her out and got an "I'll think about it." The next week, her and her friend asked me out "minus the friend."

Of course her ex came back into the picture and fucked things up. But the point is: nervous girls need to be given space and time to be comfortable. I took from it that they need time with their feelings. I think they're biggest fear is being judged. They're afraid to make a misstep because they feel someone is always watching. I used to have that feeling until the feeling to act was so strong that I had to do something. Get her to the point where she has to do something about you, then make a move and call her bluff on whether she's gonna act or not.

Chase Amante's picture


This is one I have in the article queue to get a piece up on, so there will be an article in the future on inexperienced girls.

For now, if they like you and you're acting sexual, it typically isn't that they're turned off, quite so much as they don't know how to respond or (if they're VERY inexperienced) aren't able to properly interpret the emotions you make them feel when you're sexual around them.

Personally, I really enjoy making inexperienced girls nervous with sexual energy... so long as you combine it with a comfortable warmth, and maintain your attainability, you'll often be fine - though it IS possible to go too far overboard with sexuality for an inexperienced woman and have her get out of there because she can't take the tension.

So, do lay it on, but not so thick that she bails ;)


Danny's picture

Dear Chase,

Is it okay to tell the girl that I am virgin? Would this make me off the dating market because I am not preselected by other women?

How about say I am virgin and then move my face really close to her with a sly smile? (increase sexual tension etc)


Chase Amante's picture


The rules might be different if you're very young and both inexperienced, I'm not sure, but for most women, you're generally not going to want to say this... I don't see how it helps you.

At best, you seem inexperienced and naïve, which is appealing for MEN in the WOMEN they date, but most women do not like their men to come this way (exception: some very confident and sexually experienced women prefer inexperienced men for dating, because these men are more secure / easier to control in relationships).

At worst, you seem like a guy who women do not want / actively avoid, and it serves as negative preselection - essentially saying to women, "Other women do not want me. But you do, right?" when what women in fact want to hear is, "Other women are crazy about me."

I also wouldn't tease about it / be ambiguous about it when you actually are it. When you're at 30 sex partners, you can tease her about you being a virgin ;) When you still are one, though, I'd just leave this alone, as it can end up looking like you're trying to cover it up by making it into a joke if you're not 100% natural and you don't otherwise have the vibe already of a sexually experienced man.


Danny's picture

Dear Chase,

Thank you very much! Chase. By the way, I am a virgin.... :(

Anonymous's picture

it's funny to see how i had all these traits even from a young age well ever since i was in kindergarten to be honest. Girls always liked me i remember all the clashes i had with teachers and well with basically everybody that i thought was wrong out of a 200 students auditorium in university i was always the one standing up for his beliefs and disagreeing with the professors on a regular basis and i always saw how the girls eyes would just light up probably i could say that i'm a semi-natural (done well for myself until i reached the 20 years mark and from that point took a 4 year break from acting with sexual intent around girls - boy i was dumb) cause i've been living soo into my own reality most of my life that anyone elses was a blur. i usually prefer to write my life story in my lyrics but for the moment i just felt like i had to vomit this out hence the comment...

Ramirezs316's picture

If any of you watch the show "Justified," the main character Raylan Givens starts the series as the perfect asshole girls love. He screws an old friend, steals his ex wife back from her new husband, and keeps up both relationships at the same time for awhile. But by season 4, he's a full asshole and he says a great quote.

"Run into an asshole in the morning, you run into an asshole. Run into assholes all day, you're the asshole."

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

Fantastic article. I've been noticing that even if I was playful and not complying to women's demands, people (thought) generally thought that I was a nice guy, but this for sure will amp up the attraction that I can already establish.

I think something to add to this is how you can read people. What makes them tick, what makes them happy, their beliefs, etc. I think one of the most interesting thing about naturals is that they know how to read people like a book, and thus know how to sit back and observe the behaviour of other people. So I was wondering how I can improve my abilities to read people, to find out their behaviour, because I think this for sure will help others and myself in the social aspect of life.


Chase Amante's picture


I'd recommend this article, where I talk about making calculated guesses to up your ability to accurately read things about people:

Being good at reading others is mostly just about having made more guesses and gotten more feedback on those guesses than most people are. You'll get a lot of skeptical looks when you're starting out, but the more feedback you get, the more accurate you become - it's how the guys at carnivals guess your weight so accurately. When they started out, they were as bad as anybody else - but good feedback fixes all wrong things.

If you find you like cold reading, Richard has a few good articles up on this too:


Wes's picture

Chase this article has just opened my eyes to so much more that I didn't yet understand.thankyou for answering Michal's question.
I have a question about how YOU get what you from boyfriend/husband hunters.
I'm re-thinking my process because it seems like girls my age in this town are ALL under this umbrella.
It's as if they're reading some lame women's advice somewhere that they shouldn't give a guy anything romantic/sexual unless they're in a relationship with him....and theyre pretty damn adamant about following this crap. I know that this is also social conditioning but at the same time I just want to know how to by-pass it without having to move on and chalk them up as "not worth it/dead end"
Most guys will just promise the girl a relationship and then ditch them after sex (and this seems to be what women believe is going to happen EVERYTIME. Not true). I don't want to be that guy who lies just to get sex.
If there were an abundance of women who were open to this and weren't adamant boyfriend hunters, then I would just move on from the ones I meet and find the "open-minded" ones. The problem is, there's not many.
What would you do if you were trapped in a situation like this? Would you convince the women that their hunt for a husband is stupid?
I'm still having trouble sympathizing with what women are looking for and I find it ridiculous. I do care about being monogamous one day but I feel like at my age and girls at my age should be having the time of our lives and exploring things.
They just freakin' graduated high school and are already envisioning growing old with somebody.

Thanks in advance.

Chase Amante's picture


Rather than fight against what they're looking for, I'd suggest you simply take yourself out of contention for it. If you successfully make yourself a very attractive man, while simultaneously removing yourself from boyfriend/husband consideration, certain women will immediately screen you out and be cold to you right away, while others will instead be quite warm and friendly.

The former are the girls who want nothing to do with you, because they genuinely want NOTHING but boyfriend/husband candidates.

The latter are the girls who, sure, they're looking for something long-term, but in the meantime - hey, a girl's got needs, right?

That is, of course, provided you take yourself out of boyfriend consideration. If you don't, you can begrudge them wanting you for that role - it'd kind of be like a company you interviewed with telling you they might put you in a high paying position, or they might just give you an entry level job, they're still making up their minds. You're of course going to angle for the high paying position and feel insulted if they only offer you the entry level one, and probably not even take it. Whereas if entry level is all you CAN get, with a higher paying position never even put on the offer table, and it's a good company and you'd like to work there anyway, you won't think twice before accepting it. You can always get the better job elsewhere with another company - for now, you need some income, and this'll do just fine.


Anonymous's picture

Em, so... Can I use my advices as a bait,tell her things like "I know what you should do" and when she asks what it is, I just say she needs to do this first or be more x or y or tell me this? I mean, I talked with a friend and she wanted to tone her ass so I did exactly this. She did not buy at first, but later she could not nold herself and was really warm with me and then asked about it. And I said ok and told her she needs deep squats and a bit more about that. I mean it worked for me this one time but with a friend, would it work ona girl during a seductuion? With something else then "toning ass".

Chase Amante's picture


I have a friend who uses advice as one of his seduction tools. He positions himself as a career / education authority, and advises women on their careers or schooling, then sleeps with them. So, this is certainly a route you can take.

I can't give you too much detail on it - it isn't something I've been able to work myself, aside from inspiring women to chase down their dreams in a more general/vague/motivational sense - but I know it can be done, and if you've already used it successfully, you probably have a decent idea about how to do it. It CAN work... you've just got to make sure you rock the "authority angle" well enough, I gather.


jj123's picture

I think both this article and the recent one about edginess sum up the kind of demeanor that HELPS with seduction/romance. But I stand firm and believe the key is this: if the women you meet don't do it for you or are problematic in any significant way, then leave them fast. This is despite what any of your wimpy, self-righteous friends may tell you about "being fair" or giving it a chance. The fact is, many younger women today in THIS society are VERY rigid about both their beliefs (whether or not they truly understand the 'other side') AND about the kind of guys they date. These could be secular, feminist beliefs, or hardcore Christian beliefs. It doesn't matter how much tofu-eating, open-mindedness she projects, it's usually her way, or the highway, nowadays. It may have been different in the past, or is different in places other than the U.S. This scenario has little to do with males having been hunters and women having been gatherers in the stone age, or how courtship was in the Victorian era. Girls TODAY are taught that we (men) need them, but they don't need us, that they're smart, and we're not, that they're moral, and we're not, and that all this makes them the BOSS who can set the bar wherever she wants to for any guy. The starting point for being an EDGY ASSHOLE is to tell a girl these sorts of things once she starts pecking away about her standards for guys she'll date, or takes offense when you dare disagree with her ideas or beliefs.

Nojas's picture


I have always been a very nice guy, and as such, i worried more about what others wanted, then what i did.
In order to be an asshole and command others around, you need to know what you yourself want them to do. That's something I had to learn.
Before reading GC, I never really thought about what I wanted (jeez!). What pleased me was pleasing others. I never reflected on what I might desire.
Just this sheer realization shows me I'm on the right path.
I experienced that in order to know what i want commanding other helps, it allows me to make experiences and live the thing, so I know whether the situation pleased me or not.

Thanks for your insights Chase. Your articles have allowed me to change more in 2 months then in the past 2 years of my life.


Chase Amante's picture

That's great to hear, Nojas. Getting your internals straightened out is a big part of getting everything else that follows on the right path too.

Getting used to commanding can be difficult, agreed. If you're unsure, you can start with simple compliance demands, and work your way up. The more comfortable you get with it, and the more you get a process down with women and know where you're taking things, the more intuitive this becomes, because you know what the next steps are to get girls where you want to get them - all you've got to do is get them to comply.


Anonymous's picture


Does the second method listed in the technical steps apply to walking/running in public places? Oftentimes when I am out running the town, there is usually at least one instance during my runs when a pedestrian and I are on a crash course towards each other. Usually, I try to follow the same method used for driving in America (I'll move to my right, and so will the other person.), and it works most of the time.

Sometimes, however, there will be other people who are ignorant (Possibly other assholes?), and won't move over to make room for both of us. In this instance, should I just stand my ground, risk running into them, and say "Whatever happens happens"? I'm not one to shy away from a fight, but you could see how this may cause problems.

I'd appreciate any input. Thanks in advance.

Chase Amante's picture


The rule when moving about town on your own two feet is generally that the faster party moves out of the way of the slower one. i.e., if you're running down the street and someone is standing in the middle of it, you're probably going to have to run around him, rather than crash into him (as an extreme example).

That said, the more powerfully / aggressively you're moving, and the more you're making strong eye contact with people in your path, the more likely they are to clear out of your way, regardless the speed you're walking at. I usually move pretty slow (and hence, almost never step out of anyone's way), but when on occasion I'm running or moving quickly, powerful-looking strides plus strong eye contact with those directly in my path are usually all it takes to clear out most people. Those who won't move though, it's generally social custom that if you're moving significantly faster than they are, it's your responsibility to move (if you're both moving almost the same speed, feel free to move halfway out of the way, then crash into them with your shoulder if they won't do their share).


Anonymous's picture

In this article you mentioned holding back on some mentalities, could you maybe share thesennow? I know I will really benefit from it
-Thank you!

Chase Amante's picture


Actually, what I meant there (it's confusingly worded now that I go back and reread it) was rather that I'd wanted to build a longer list, but when I started putting that list together those two mentalities really seemed like the only two the list needed to be complete.

So, no other mentalities! Those two are it, so far as I'm concerned.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,
This is my second comment on this site. This article was the gem I was looking for long time.

Now, could you please write an article on dealing with other repugnant ass-oles? I have to deal with them all the time. I just smile and nod at them, which just encourages them more.


Jimbo's picture

Shunning and not giving them the time of the day (as in, barely acknowledge their presence) works just fine for me. Funny thing is, this drives them crazy because, see, 80% of assholes run on the attention of the beta orbiters around them -- it's what keeps them going. Just don't be one of those beta orbiters.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, this really isn't relevant to the topic of this article, but it's something I've really been struggling with for a while. I have a girlfriend that I love very much, but there is one thing that just really irks me about her sometimes (really most times); she is almost always super animated and enegetic. Sometimes it just doesnt mix with my normally chilled state, and she really kills my vibe sometimes, even if she's not nagging/ can i get her to stay the same, but in a more chilled way??? please help

Chase Amante's picture


You can try to make some headway via operant conditioning, but more or less, if that's her default personality, there's not really anything you're going to be able to do about it - that's just who she is, love her or leave her.

One thing you can do if she's messing with your Zen is explain to her how she needs to interact with you. e.g., when I have very dynamic girlfriends, one of the conversations I'll have with them if they're, say, repeatedly interrupting me when I tell them I need to work, is to sit them down and say, "I know you're really excited and you like spending time with me, and that's GREAT! I really appreciate it. And I love your energy - that's why I'm with you. HOWEVER, when I'm working, I need to WORK, and not be interrupted. If something is very important, you can come in, and that's fine. Or if something is really exciting and you HAVE to tell me, that's okay. But it can't be a repeated thing, or else I have to kick you out or go work outside. Does that make sense? I'm not trying to put a damper on your energy, but there is a certain way you need to interact with me to not put a damper on MY energy and make me get annoyed and pissy, which I don't want to be with you if that can be avoided."

Giving people "rules of engagement" with you when they're stepping on your toes / mangling your vibe can make things run a lot more smoothly - many times they simply weren't aware of how their actions were affecting you, and by explaining things calmly, empathetically, and without coming across like you're trying to control them or box them in, and why they want to follow this new rule (to avoid hurting your energy, or making you mad at them, which you don't want to be), you can get them on the same page with you and avoiding pressing your buttons without necessarily trying to make them change, which is usually an impossible task, or can lead you to "breaking" someone accidentally if you succeed (and making her weak, needy, depressive, and emotionally dependent on you and an emotion vampire).


Anonymous's picture

Chase you said that attraction expires or girls slot you into provider role if you don't sleep with them asap.

1) How do you know if attraction expired or if they want you as a boyfriend.

2) When they slot you into provider role and make it harder to meet up, is that something that they're doing consciously or unconsciously? Do they know why they're doing it and how do they rationalize it to themselves?

Chase Amante's picture


You can use this article to gauge where on the friend-boyfriend-lover spectrum you fall:

As for what's going through her head, it's usually a less-than-fully conscious reaction, more like, she gets a text from you asking to meet up, and it's, "Eh... I don't really feel like getting all dressed up to go out and try to impress him right now. Do I really even like him that much? I don't know. I think I'm just going to say I'm busy right now," if she's on the fence about you and considering you as a boyfriend at best.

Conversely, if she's still very hopeful/excited about you and interested in having you as potentially a lover (or maybe as a really choice boyfriend), she'll get your text, and a wave of positive emotions wash over her and she feels something akin to, "Oh God, YES! He asked me out. He asked me out! Okay, okay - I'm going to say 'yes.' I'm going to let him set this up. All right, all right - sending him a 'yes' right now. I hope I don't look too eager," or something along those lines.


Pablo's picture

Hey Chase,

Just wanted to let you know I really like the recaps you added to your articles, Cements the article a little bit better in your mind.



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