If you've paid much attention to the men that women gravitate towards, they're pretty much all assholes.
Yeah, sure... deep down, they may actually be good guys. "An asshole with a heart of gold", for instance.
But, they're still assholes.
If you yourself are not an asshole though, adopting some of the traits of a guy like this so you can be an asshole can seem like something of a mountain to climb... society keeps telling you not to, but women's obvious mate selections over and over again keep telling you differently.
In "How to Spot a Girl Looking for Men", Michal asked about the path to embracing one's inner asshole:
This kind of question usually never pops up so I am just gonna ask. How do I become more like a jerk or an asshole? I am too friendly basically, because parents and such always told me to be kind and polite and nice. Ugh! :-s
I dont want to seem as an ass at the end but... I have been trying to be more playful lately, trying some wit and I experiment with my female friends and they seem to enjoy it OR dont get it. And when I meet new girls I am this little kind person again because I dont want to seem awkward.
So how can I stop being viewed as this "kind and good hearted man" who "has no evil in his soul" as I once heard and have better personality that women respond to as if I was a man. Not friendly boy?
My fundamentals are bad and I am working on it but this is my biggest flaw right now. I am ok to have female friends, but I dont want every girl I meet to feel like I am her long lost friend from childhood.
Any possible advice? I guess move faster and dont miss "the windows"?
Thanks in advance.”
Let's talk about jerks and assholes, then - and what it takes to be one.
I'm a big believer in being a genuine man - not a jerk.
But that doesn't stop women from calling me an asshole regardless.
"You're an asshole", when uttered by an attractive woman, can in fact mean several different things, depending on context and vocal inflection:
- "You're an inconsiderate loser, whom I resent and despise"
- "You're intriguingly challenging to control - my interest is piqued"
- "I can't get you to do anything I want - and I am so turned on right now"
Those last two are the ones we're interested in in today's article.
However, it's important you be the right kind of asshole - or you can end up being a #1 instead of a #2 or a #3 (and actually, you very frequently WILL end up being a #1 when you're just trying on your asshole hat for the first time... sort of goes with the territory).
Why Do Women Like Assholes?
I probably don't have to tell you, if you're reading Girls Chase, that women don't really mean it when they loudly moan about assholes to whomever is paying attention: "Why can't I ever just find a nice guy?! ALL I ever meet are JERKS!"
... not any more than they mean it, anyway, when they say something like, "Oh, WHY does chocolate have to taste SO GOOD?! Why can't it just taste horrible, so I don't want to have it anymore?"
Of course, nice guys hear this and think, "A HA! Women don't like chocolate after all... well, I'll just go be Brussels sprouts, and they won't be able to keep their taste buds off of me!"
But this is taking those words at face value, instead of reading the subtext.
And the subtext here is, she meets plenty of nice guys... probably way more nice guys than she does jerks, in fact.
She just doesn't date those guys, is all. She dates the jerks instead.
A jerk or an asshole intrinsically has most of the traits that we know women find maddeningly, lustily appealing in a man:
He has epic amounts of pride, which research has established is the single most attractive male facial expression (as discussed in "A Devil May Care Attitude: What It Is & How to Get It"), and among the most attractive male traits overall
He's selfish, dominant, decisive, and unapologetically goes for what he wants - all the qualities of a leader, and someone likely to be physically dominant as well - two other major attraction switches
He makes it clear quite quickly that he doesn't need women, and is willing to walk away if he doesn't get his way - an indication of an abundance mentality, which itself is an indication of preselection, a major attraction trigger
He's a natural user of sprezzatura and follower of the Law of Least Effort, simply because, again, he's selfish, and he's not going to work harder to do something he can accomplish with less work; nor is he going to second guess himself and race around trying to bend to other people's whims
He is, in other words, a walking sex symbol, sent straight from the pages of women's romance novels and out into the real world.
And, if you so choose, you can be just like him yourself, too.
Never Go Full Asshole
If you've seen Tropic Thunder, you doubtless remember Kirk Lazarus's actor's admonition to Chuck Speedman about never going full retard when playing the role of a mentally retarded person on screen.
Well, just like you never want to go full retard, you also never want to go full asshole.
FULL asshole is where you are SUCH a damn asshole that you're walking around ruining everybody's day around you just because.
Full asshole is when you're a dick for NO reason... just because you think that's what assholes do.
Yes, you will sometimes put a damper on someone's enthusiasm.
And sometimes you're going to be a dick.
But you want to have reasons behind your actions, and not be doing them out of spite, or for the fun of it. Doing that gets you labeled as that first kind of asshole we talked about above - not the sexy naughty one, but the despicable scumbag loser one instead.
Never go full asshole. Just go enough that you add some noticeable flair to your style.
If you came from a thoughtful, considerate household, you were doubtless taught the value of politeness, decency, and kind-hearted goodness Michal mentions above in his comment.
I can relate... I learned all these things too. And they're certainly valuable in their own respects; being able to fit into society has its place.
However... these traits are more disadvantageous than not when it comes to sleeping with girls and getting phone numbers and going on dates. You're better off not having them than you are having them when it comes to these arenas.
Reason being? Politeness is what you use not to offend... it's what you use with your superiors.
How much do you worry about being super polite to small children? Probably not much.
But when you're raised to be polite, you're raised to view almost everybody else as a superior in SOME respect - heck, you're even polite to homeless people... and may even feel obligated to give money if asked... because part of you feels like you HAVE to.
Part of you feels like you are the polite, yielding subordinate - and if asked, you must do.
And you even end up feeling this way with women.
And guess what? Women aren't interested in subordinates.
They want superiors.
And if you're being overly kind, considerate, and polite to them, they'll know right away that isn't you.
When I used to coach guys who were very new to getting girls, or just working on themselves socially, one of the top recommendations I'd frequently have for them would be: you need to spend a LOT more time just being an asshole to people, pushing the limits of what you can get away with socially, and saying NO.
And what I'd invariably find was that guys who were accustomed to being nice and polite often had great difficulty in doing this.
What happens is that a guy has spent so much time being polite his whole life, that when he does things that feel to him like he's being a big asshole, most people end up seeing him as still being really polite.
It's actually kind of funny.
The guy will be worried that he's just being too much of a dick... but people will keep telling him he's a really swell fellow.
So, while you don't want to go full asshole, you will need to push the boundaries a lot more than you're going to be comfortable with when you're starting out learning how to be a jerk, especially if you're used to being a good guy, respectful, and polite.
How to Be an Asshole
There are two sides to this:
- Mental, and
Let's talk mental first, and technical second.
Being an Asshole: The Mental Side
All assholes have a pair of mentalities in common:
What I want comes first. To an asshole, other people may matter... but what he wants matters most of all. A commenter just shared an opinion on the article about white knights that I am an asshole for sleeping with a girl who has a boyfriend... because I did not "respect their relationship dynamic." And you know what? He's right. As I mentioned in the comment section of the article on girls with boyfriends, my concern is my happiness and the girl's happiness - some guy I don't know whom she obviously doesn't respect enough to stay faithful to I'm not going to worry myself over.
That's an opinion you simply cannot hold if you are a nice guy or a white knight... it's anathema to your belief system of not offending anybody or hurting anyone's feelings or stepping on anybody's toes. Don't hurt people you don't need to hurt - there's no need to be an out-and-out dick - but if you're trying to sacrifice yourself to save the world, an asshole you cannot be.
You don't like it? Cool - there's the door. Another major difference between polite people and assholes is that polite people want everyone to like them, and will accommodate people like crazy to make sure that they do. Assholes, conversely, are far less attached to being liked by everyone... they know whom they want to like them, know whom they have to be to be liked by those people, and anyone who doesn't respond to whom they already are can go pound sand, because she obviously isn't the kind of person he's angling to meet and connect with.
Note: again, not going full asshole here - you're not not accommodating anyone. Rather, you've tailored yourself to fit best with a certain kind of person - the kind of person you want in your life. People who dislike you, or the way you come across, get told to beat it - but you don't tell everyone to beat it. Only the people who want you to change radically to accommodate them, in exchange for... absolutely nothing of any real value to your life, aside from their fleeting, passing approval. No thanks; don't need it...
I wanted to list more, but I really think these two mentalities get right to the heart of the difference between a nice guy and an asshole. An asshole goes after what HE wants, first and foremost, and he has little interest in accommodating those who are not accommodating him.
You could write this down as "I'm my own man" or "I do what I want" or "I'm no one's bitch" or anything like that, and those would all be accurate too, but they all feel like overly ephemeral statements if you ask me.
If you want a couple of concrete, simple thoughts the mind can easily latch onto instead, they're:
- What I want comes first, and
- You don't like it? Cool - there's the door.
Being an Asshole: The Technical Side
When you're new to asshole-dom, you're not always going to be following the mental precepts of the asshole code, simply because your brain is programmed to follow its old polite programming, and you're in the middle of, rather than already have completed, reprogramming it into jerk mode.
So, to help you along the path and keep you on course, here are some technical elements you can mix into how you interact with people to get you behaving like an asshole even when you aren't feeling like it quite yet:
Demand equivalent or greater value exchanges for all things asked of you. Once you have mastered assholery, you can toss this one aside and embrace the Zen of being a Genuine Man who does things as he pleases without requiring compensation... but when you're still learning how to be an asshole, this rule is law. Rather than spell it out, I'll list here some examples to show you what this looks like:
Don't move / respond unless absolutely necessary. When someone says, "Sorry?" or, "Come again?" pause for 3 seconds or so before you repeat yourself... most of the time, the person heard you the first time around, and just wanted a moment to think. By not immediately repeating yourself, you create tension, pressure her to acknowledge she heard and understood you, and display a jerk-like level of disregard for someone asking you to repeat yourself.
Same with moving for people - don't scooch over or make yourself smaller just because someone sat down next to you in the booth or stood next to you on the bus. Let them move around you - or be fine taking up space.
All those times you put a little extra effort in to be polite and accommodating of others - stop it. Make them move around you. Make them work for you. Stop making it easy for them. If you need help, just imagine/pretend you are totally oblivious, and don't move or similarly exert effort for someone else unless you absolutely have to and are being asked to do so directly (and decide to do so). 99% of the "would you please move" signs you'll get are nonverbal / implied - and pretty much all of these are safe to ignore. If someone is being genuinely polite to you BACK, he or she will ask, NICELY. Never accommodate someone who isn't polite enough even to ask you aloud for your effort, and instead just expects you to move. Just ignore these actions and pretend not to see - stay engaged in your conversations, don't break circle, or stare at the ceiling like you're completely spaced out if you have nothing better to do.
When people fish for compliments... bust their stones. "Oh my God, I'm getting so fat!" If a girl says this around a nice/polite guy, his response is going to be something reassuring her that she looks fine to him. If she says it around you, though, you're going to say something more like this: [pinching a little belly fat between your fingers] "Uh oh, what's this doing here? Looks like someone's been enjoying a few too many cupcakes and not enough treadmill runs."
This one's easy, because all you have to remember is that fishing for compliments = invitation to be busted on. Take her up on it - don't disappoint her by giving a boring nice guy compliment... there's no fun, surprise, or intrigue in that whatsoever.
Tell stories about people trying to get things from you and you ignoring this. Do a little storytelling about some girl asking you for something ridiculous, and you just thinking that was really silly and cute, then yawning, and oh-welling. Or, tell that tale about some tough guy who was trying to intimidate you, and you just ignored it and went back to playing pool with your friends, because who cares about that guy, and then the guy tried to start a fight and the manager broke it up and kicked that guy and his friends out. Storytelling can be a very powerful way to communicate that you are nonplussed by people asking you for stuff, and are most definitely not an overly polite, overly accommodating person.
Disagree with people. If you were raised to be polite, you probably learned not to disagree with people whenever possible... the reason being that you can cause them to lose face socially. Well, assholes don't care about this... if someone's wrong, he's wrong, and the asshole has no compunction about letting him (and everyone in earshot) know it. You don't have to throttle the guy completely, but if someone says something that's obviously wrong, jump in and disagree: "Wait, hold up, I want to point something out here that isn't entirely correct before we go on with the conversation..." if you're being diplomatic, or, "Oh come on... that's not true and YOU know it," if you're dispensing with diplomacy and just focused on driving the point home.
Quit being a white knight. It's almost impossible to be an asshole while riding around gallantly putting women first and acting as hero to your fellow man and being at his service. Don't worry, there are PLENTY of guys out there who will be more than happy to step in and fill your white knight shoes... the world ain't even gonna miss you in that role. An asshole does not stick his neck on the line for people who aren't doing something equally awesome or better for him - unlike the gallant knight, he is not riding to your rescue, nor is he "always at your service." Instead, he's sitting at the bar drinking a beer and shrugging his eyebrows, watching in mild amusement at the latest ridiculous mess you've managed to find yourself in, before turning back to his beer. Again, he's not putting effort out for situations that don't involve him or demand his effort.
Girl: Will you buy me a drink?
You: I will if we're sitting down - you go find us some nice seats where we can sit next to each other and chat, and I'll go grab us some drinks, savvy?
Girl: Can you hold my jacket?
You: I'm already carrying a lot, but if you can hold this heavy bag for me, I'll hold your jacket for you.
Friend: Yo dude, can you give me a ride to the airport?
You: Okay - but hot dogs and colas are on you.
You can have some fun with this one, too - if you want to refuse a request, just make a ridiculous demand back (like in the jacket one - she wants you to lighten her load, but you offer to trade something heavier for her jacket instead). If the other person begs/pleads/insists on you doing the thing and them NOT doing the thing you asked for in return... all you do is say, "No way," and reiterate your demand. SHE needs YOU... you aren't the one who needs this favor here. If she wants your help, it's on your terms - or else she can scrap this request altogether.
And... if you're worried about losing her interest in you if you
refuse her request, just suck it up and do this a few times - you'll
get comfortable doing this quickly enough. Trust me - if she leaves because you refuse compliance
this way, you weren't going to get anywhere with her anyway.
Girls who like you will stick around, even if you won't buy them a
drink, so long as you aren't rude or insulting about it and deal with
the request in a socially graceful (if
You may notice I didn't include "bust on girls" as a key trait of an asshole, except for girls fishing for compliments or asking for things you don't want to give them. Most people seem to think being an asshole is all about busting on people - it isn't.
It is, rather, about shrugging off people who try to waste your time and put you to work for their own comfort and convenience.
When a girl tells you you're an asshole, what she's really saying is, "I find I am unable to command you, as I do most men... and this interests me."
When Do You Dial Back the Jerk?
You need to go a little too far to the other side to learn where the borderlands are before you're able to successfully walk the line right down the middle of being just enough of an asshole that girls laugh and punch you in the arm and tell you you're an asshole from time to time, but largely overall view you as a genuine guy who's got the best qualities of both a good guy and a jerk wrapped up into one.
The goal of becoming a hardcore asshole is not to STAY a hardcore asshole. It is simply to learn what it feels like on the other side of the spectrum, and learn the limits of what you can get away with.
You'll probably spend a fair bit of (sometimes obnoxious) time being a jerk... and that's okay. This education period is still going to net you more results while you're in it than you had before you were in it - many more women date and sleep with jerks than they do kind, nice, gallant, defender-type guys... you can count on that much.
And, when you're ready... when you feel completely at ease inhabiting the role of asshole, sowing tension, annoyance, self-doubt, and grudging respect among the men and women you meet... you can bring it back down a notch, back into genuine man territory, which is enough of a good guy that you can inhabit a more mainstream role if you wish, but still right on the edge of what's socially acceptable - you're close enough to "asshole" that you'll get all the good, sexy benefits of this, and even still get called it often enough by adoring, flirtatious women.
Just keep in mind our mental tenets of being an asshole:
- What I want comes first, and
- You don't like it? Cool - there's the door.
... and remember how to be a jerk technically:
- Demand equivalent or greater value exchanges for all things asked of you
- Don't move / respond unless absolutely necessary
- When people fish for compliments... bust their stones
- Tell stories about people trying to get things from you and you ignoring this
- Disagree with people
- Quit being a white knight
... and you will be in very good shape.
Grade A asshole shape, in fact.