Early Frame Announcements: His and Hers


In community-speak, an Early Frame Announcement -- often abbreviated to "EFA" -- is something a person does when faced with a new potential relationship, the terms of which he or she would like to control.

In laymen's terms, this is how you set relationship expectations at the commencement of something new together (even before sex, or before you're officially "an item").

early frame announcement

Men do it when faced with new prospects, and women do it when they begin to realize a man is interested in intimacy.

In this article, I am going to cover various EFAs that men and women can make, as well as the best way to respond to certain common female EFAs.


early frame announcement

The first thing to understand is that, whether you're conscious of it or not, every word out of your mouth, every action, is a piece of your Early Frame Announcement.

If you meet a new girl and begin to talk about Disney-esque love and how you just want to meet a good woman and settle down, you are announcing -- in terms she is very familiar with -- that you are seeking a long-term monogamous relationship, which "if it works" will lead to marriage and a life together.

If you meet a new girl and begin to tell stories of threesomes you've had or funny sex adventures, you are announcing that you are a sexual guy, who is comfortable with his masculinity and is primarily seeking a physical relationship.

Some Girls Chase readers may recognize those two particular EFAs as "provider and lover," respectively. As those have been covered at length elsewhere on this site, I will not go into great detail here. Those are two basics, from which everything else springs.

However, smart guys will also recognize that even within the lover category, there are various ways to portray yourself and your interests. You can be a one-night-stand kind of guy, a kinky sex kind of guy, a great short-term relationship guy, etc. As the focus of most men here is to obtain more and better sex, I will focus on those, rather than the classic "Provider" frames, which none of you should be doing (even if you wish to be a provider someday).

Before I begin, I can hear some of your minds saying "But Drexel, how do I know which of those to portray?"

Well, as I mentioned in my very first article on Girls Chase, you need to know what you want. What do you want?

  • Do you want one-night stands?
  • Kinky sex?
  • Short-terms flings?

Pick one, get good with it, then move on to being more flexible later.

Here is the basic rule for EFAs: whatever it is you want, hint throughout your conversation that you have done that before, are good at it, and enjoy it immensely. For bonus points, hint at how much you dislike the others if you truly wish to pigeonhole yourself into a specific category in her mind.

Let's say you're into one-night-stands. What you need to do is get it into her mind that "this is the kind of guy who would be great for a one-night-stand." Escalate quickly. Tell her you're only in town for the night. You can't give her your number, because your phone is broken. If you get to the logistics part, tell her you can't go back to your place because [insert excuse here]. Is your place being bug-bombed? Roommates have a big exam the next day? Get creative.

early frame announcement While this isn't going to "make" any particular girl have a one-night-stand with you, you can be sure that if you do find a girl who is open to the idea, these are some examples of ways you can be sure she will at least consider you for the job. A girl who wants a one-night-stand isn't going to be interested in exchanging contact info so you can go on a date later, or want to know that she'll be seeing you often.

If you enjoy short-term flings (as I do), drop some hints in the conversation about past wonderful experiences you've had with women, where you knew each other for a short time, blew each others' minds with passionate sex, and then "regretfully" had to go your separate ways. You sure hope you see her again someday, since she was such a great girl, but if your paths never cross… at least you had a once-in-a-lifetime romantic experience together.

You like kinky sex and want to find a compatible girl? Talk about your experiences with a variety of sex toys! It'll get her horny too; everyone wins.

Of course, those of you who read my article on polyamory know that my EFA always contains parts about non-monogamy. Since many readers are interested, I'll share the two main ways to go about setting an ethical non-monogamous EFA -- as well as the pros and cons of each main style.


EFA Method #1: Verbalize It

The first way to set a poly EFA is simply to state it. Explain that you are polyamorous. Some women will know what you mean, some will ask questions about what "polyamorous" is.

I like it because it's direct, honest and upfront. There are no games, no misdirection, and no hurt feelings. You are making it her choice whether to partake in the awesomeness that is your life, knowing your terms and what roles she will/will not be allowed into.

Women will test you on this. Hard. Continue to be direct and honest, and eventually they'll realize that you actually mean what you're saying.

The main downside is that this can cause auto-rejection in girls who might otherwise have slept with you. To date, I have lost exactly two prospects by verbalizing a poly EFA before (potentially) sleeping with them. But on the bright side, if those girls weren't compatible with your lifestyle anyway, is it really that big of a deal that you didn't sleep with them? I'd rather find women who are on board with my vibe.

Plenty of lovers have come into my life knowing exactly what they were getting into. Then, there's...


EFA Method #2: Imply it

You can imply a non-monogamous frame as well. You can refer to other girls as "one of my lovers," you can talk about how freedom is high on your list of priorities, etc. The best way to do it, though, is to never act like you're monogamous in the first place. After you start a relationship with her, don't call her every day, text all day, send her flowers, or anything else that might come off as classically "boyfriend-y." Don't see her more than once a week.

She'll get the picture.

The main downside to this style is that some girls can be genuinely confused, and may give you drama later on down the line about it. If you know how to handle drama (ignore it and NEXT her for a few days or longer depending on its severity), this may or may not be the path for you.

And now that I've covered some male-to-female EFAs and how to set them, let's go in the other direction.


early frame announcement

There aren't quite as many in this direction, and it doesn't even matter most of the time. I'll briefly go over some of the most common female EFAs, and provide some insight into how best to think about and deal with them.


EFA #1: Actually Looking For A Provider

You'll get this most with "good girls," religious women, gold-diggers, women over 35 or so, and single mothers. These are women who are actually looking for a boyfriend/husband/provider -- as opposed to those who are simply saying that's what they want. I'll cover that next.

For now, here are some tells of this EFA:

  • She has anything like a "5 date rule" or "10 date rule." If you're smart, you won't even get to the second date with a woman like this. She is essentially seeing if she can groom you into her perfect beta slave. If you hear anything about "rules" leave her mouth, NEXT her immediately and delete her contact information. The only exception might be if you test how rigid she is on this with something charming and funny, and she shows flexibility, like the "5 date rule" girl J.J. talked about in his article on defining moments. Otherwise, get ghost.

  • She's over 35/single mother/poor/religious. I'm not saying all girls in these demographics are provider-hunting, but it's a good idea to stay extra-vigilant around these types. They are more likely to be looking for a good little boy to service their every whim, than a dominant man to rock their world in bed.


EFA #2: Says She's Looking For A Provider, But Isn't

I would say this is upwards of 90% of women, and for that reason, it can be difficult to tease out whether it's actually what she is going to act on.

Actions speak louder than words.

early frame announcement

A girl who invites you over to her place for wine after you get her number, but told you that first night she's "looking for something serious," is a safe bet on the "bullshitting you" roulette spot. This is the single most common form of anti-slut defense: says she's looking for a relationship, while discretely banging players and guys who know what they're doing.

To figure out which category she belongs in, go into seductive mode, escalate hard and fast, and watch her behavior. Ignore what women say as far as what they say they're looking for. Let her body be your guide.


EFA #3: Says She's Just Looking For Fun

This is good. Since it takes a lot for a girl to actually admit this openly, it's fair to trust her until she proves otherwise.

Some women will say this, having learned it's the best way to entice a man, and then switch into slow-burning provider-mode. If you come across that scenario, bail. NEXT her. She has just shown you that she will tell you what you want to hear in order to manipulate you towards her agenda. Would you date a girl you can't trust? I hope not.


EFA #4: Polyamorous

While this sounds like a dream come true -- oh, she sleeps with lots of men! She must be easy! -- there are some things you need to understand about women who present themselves this way.

To begin, polyamorous women are often highly selective in their mate choices, since many of those mates will become some kind of relationship, which she must then introduce into her existing relationships. It is a boring and not-fun process to do all that, and she is not going to bring just anyone into her life with the massive amounts of talking -- "processing" -- that this necessitates.

Another thing to understand is that polyamorous women are, almost definitely, already in several relationships. This can be a great thing, certainly. It also means that she probably has a husband, a boyfriend or two, and/or a few friends-with-benefits. If you have any jealousy issues at all or Madonna/Whore complex, she will sniff them out instantly and you will be gone faster than you can say "I think a good woman only sleeps with one guy at a time."

These women will screen you hard, and will probably take longer to sleep with you than a girl who has no idea what polyamory is.


Early Frame Announcement Takeaways

Those above are four basic female EFAs, but I am going to reiterate what I said earlier:

Actions speak louder than words. Let her behavior be your guide, because it is a much better indicator of what she responds to and seeks out than what she says she's looking for.

My basic game plan is "seduce them all mostly the same way, unless/until I come across something that shows me that we do not have compatible goals." I recommend this highly.

If an "I just want to have fun" girl tells you that "a gentleman takes a lady on dates first," get rid of her immediately. If an "I want a relationship" girl jerks you off the first night you meet her, treat her as if she'd said "I like to nail guys quickly whom I barely know."

So there are three basic parts to understanding EFAs:

  1. Decide yours and demonstrate it

  2. Figure out hers and act accordingly with your goals

  3. You're already giving one out.

It's up to you to figure out what you're putting out there, and whether it aligns with what you truly want. If it isn't, NEXT your old game plan and draw up a new one.

Drexel

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Comments

Petr's picture

Hi, Drexel I was reading your


Hi, Drexel

I was reading your article about having sex with coworkers yesterday and wanted to ask following.
What is the difference between hitting on and flirting?
What role do compliments play in that?
Or comments like "Ohh, someone is in a good mood today"

What exactly is "hitting on"? Oh.. and how do I even respond to that famous "Are you hitting on me?!" question.

Petr

Drexel Scott's picture

Hey Petr--thanks for the

Author

Hey Petr--thanks for the question!

Flirting is PULL.

Hitting on is PUSH.

Hitting on: compliments, asking for a number, inviting her out 1-on-1, qualifying yourself.

Flirting: teasing, cocky/funny, cold-reads (like your good mood today comment), banter

I've never been asked whether I was hitting on someone, but if I do get asked, my answer would be something like "WHAT? Never, I'm a good girl, I'm saving it for marriage."

Petr's picture

Thanks for the answer! I have


Thanks for the answer!

I have never thought of that this way.

Petr's picture

Ok, hang on, it got me


Ok, hang on, it got me thinking again the other day. If you say compliments are push, does it mean that if it is going well and I compliment her, she feels like I pushed her away a bit? Or is it in a way that she now feels like she needs to work again to get closer, because she wants to be complimented so the "push label" is here because it engages her to do more work?

I mean, when I read the push/pull article from Chase, it was more like push is if she does something bad.

Drexel Scott's picture

Perhaps more of what I meant

Author

Perhaps more of what I meant is that compliments are "pushy," as in, you are "pushing" energy towards her. This is opposed to flirting, which is more "pulley," or bringing people into your own personal orbit.

I did not mean it in the hot/cold sense in which Chase likely used it.

Pablo's picture

EFA's


Hi Drexel,

Great article and interesting read, there are a couple of things that I disagree with, for example:"If an "I just want to have fun" girl tells you that "a gentleman takes a lady on dates first," get rid of her immediately."

You'll encounter a lot of girls who tell you all they want is a relationship and have a boyfriend and that a man should behave like this and that, but that doesn't mean you need to get rid of her immediately, you can just say you're not looking for a relationship and seduce and fuck her anyway.

Most of the time it's not like a girl is thinking: I want a boyfriend now and I will never have sex until I find that boyfriend and have sex with my boyfriend and only my boyfriend.

That's bullshit, if a girl is turned on and no one will know what you and her did chances are she's going to have sex with you anyway, and after that quick fling she will continue on the search to her boyfriend or return to her boyfriend.

So what I'm trying to say here is, most of the time if you have your fundamentals and game down tight it really doesn't matter what that girl is searching for or already has.

Just my thoughts on this, keep up the good work!

Regards,

Pablo

Drexel Scott's picture

Hey Pablo, thank you for

Author

Hey Pablo, thank you for pointing out something I could have worded better in the article.

While I did mention several times to ignore her verbal EFA completely, I did also say to get rid of those "gentlemen pay for dates" girls, or whatever I said to that effect.

That was an error on my part. The ones to get rid of are the ones who SAY they "just wanna have fun," but then INSIST that you take them out and pay for stuff. That is the kind of manipulative contradiction I was hoping to highlight, and as you rightly pointed out, I did not explain it well.

I hope that helps clear it up!

And yes, the position of the seducer is generally "the hot guy she bangs between failed checklist-type relationships."

Doobie's picture

Hey Drexel, Could you give


Hey Drexel,

Could you give examples of male to male EFAs and how to tip them in your favour?(power plays and politics and stuff)

Thanks

Drexel Scott's picture

I'm a bit confused by your

Author

I'm a bit confused by your question. Do you mean, a man approaching another man for a romantic relationship, or do you mean how to present yourself to other men in a non-romantic way? Either way I'm not sure how much I can help with this, but maybe if you explain more I could weigh in.

Doobie's picture

Sorry that I was unclear. For


Sorry that I was unclear.
For example, there's a guy that's able to subtly set himself as the dominant one in the social group. He does by making half jokes about he being the "senior" and us the "juniors" (we arrived later in the group) and about how we have to acquiesce to him in various ways. I intepret these half jokes to be EFAs. He also pretendes not to hear when u ask for favours (unless he volunteers to help). From what I understand of the law of least effort, I have been unable to use it to counter him as he does not attack us directly.
Thus I seek advice on how to reverse the relationship frame he has imposed on us. Specifically, how would we return his subtle assertions of dominance.

Thanks.

Anonymous's picture

Hi, I would say it is quite


Hi, I would say it is quite hard to do. If some guy is trying to take leadership or dominance over a group, then you will need a cooperation with other guys to bring him down to the "group level". If he jokes around how you juniors are yet to grow up or that you stuff is easy and that it gets harder later on, you can start doing the same to him. If it is really obvious like "you junior guys are like kids" you can reply with "and you senior guys are like my grandpa". I am not really good at this, but the real problem lies in how the group will perceive your effort to demolish is attempts of getting the dominance over the group. Because if they all are submissive and do not care about that, you might look like you are in opposition to him and then it depends on who is better basically. On the other hand, if others recognize this too, even if it is only one person, it is two vs. one and you guys can bring him down together. And he will either fight back and try and then comply or leave your group because he did not get what he wanted.

So about subtlety, I would suggest - if he is that good at doing this, then study what he is doing and apply the same stuff on him. Or you can try to make others engage, pick one guy in your group who might have a problem with this too and once this dude tries to imply that "I am above you all" frame, you just look quizzically and give him a hint that you are not ok with that too. This is more to a reinforcement and then it depends on what other group member does, he might fuck that whole thing up too.

Group dynamics are quite hard for me but if you would rather have this guy out than him being the dominant force then getting others to get him out is the easiest way. People will not stick around those who do not want them around. If you guys do it in not obvious way he will start meeting with you less and less ofthen and eventually leaves completely.

Drexel Scott's picture

It sounds to me as if he is

Author

It sounds to me as if he is actually the dominant male in the group. If he's been there longer, he's more experienced, is more familiar with what needs to be done...and while me might be slightly annoying by rubbing this fact in your faces (which, yes, is a Frame Announcements or Frame Reminder maybe), his role in the group sounds fairly permanent.

It would take a lot of work to reverse the role, if it's possible at all. That being said, I encourage you to banter back with him, so even if he's the dominant one, he still has to respect you within the group. That will also win the other guys onto your side and inspire them to stand up for themselves as well.

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