Handling Awkwardness and Social Shunning on a Small Scale | Girls Chase

Handling Awkwardness and Social Shunning on a Small Scale

I’ve been seeing more questions lately in both the article comments sections and on the boards from men who are ending up in awkward situations where some girl they’ve flirted with and expressed interest has turned them down... but they keep running into her socially.

How do you act around a girl like this? What do you do? What if she’s cold to you and ignores you, or treats you like you’re beneath her?

social shunning

I’m going to assume for the purposes of this article that you’re at least somewhat socially savvy, and that most people like you and find you reasonably attractive and cool. If that’s not the case, and you are universally socially shunned or socially ostracized (more or less), this post won’t help with that, and you’ll need to focus on leveling up your social calibration, and getting other “coolness factors” handled, like edginess, sprezzatura, and a devil may care attitude, first.

But if you’re normally a pretty well-liked guy, yet suddenly find yourself dealing with some girl things have gotten awkward around or who is downright treating you as subhuman, then this article is for you; it’s all about saving face, and turning her reaction to you right around.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Troy's picture

Chase-

I like the article. The only step I have tried before was preselection.when a girl I approached a girl.who always showed interest until made my move. Hopefully these other steps will do the trick for me when I try again.
I recently ran a.situation as stated in my comment in the article on.situational openers where a girl who rejected me at first, she reapproaced me after I gave her preselection. The problem now is that my attraction for that girl has expired. How do I act around her now to avoid making.things more awkward since she is chasing.me and.I have moved on?

Troy

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Troy-

With girls you aren't interested in, the best bet's just treating them like you would a male friend, and no different.

Of course, if they're sufficiently cute, and they're making it easy enough for you, and there aren't really any risks of social repercussions for going ahead with things with them, sometimes it can make sense to do so for the experience when you're still getting your bearings.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I'll say it here just because all the other guys are thinking the same thing. And you can censor me if you'd like. Sometimes, women can be real bitches and this makes playing the game almost not worthwhile.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Some of them are, yeah, just as some men are just assholes and bastards. That's mostly the selfish ones who will use you purely to further their own causes, with little care for the negative effects on you.

Of course, any time you start thinking that way, it's always good to do a quick check and see what you might've done to cause the behavior - if you're paying attention, 7 times out of 10 you'll realize you put another person in a socially compromising position where you didn't leave them much choice but to railroad you in order not for you to one-up them or drag down their position with you. The other 3 out of 10, well, chalk them up as people you're better off not knowing - and get good at using turnabout, which is absolutely fair play.

Chase

Michal's picture

Hmm, I came up with this too once when I realized my friend was not really a friend because she would totally ditch me on one outdoor party. Just have this small talk how everything is for 3 minutes and then talking to everyone else other than me whole night. I did not feel well that day, thing is, when I was recalling it back in my mind I realized I should have thought something like: "Well I thought we were good friends, obviously she just does not care a bit, is just polite. I will show her," Where the show part would be some kind of "revenge" like you mention here. She works as barista so the best way would really be to just find a girl and flirt with her right in front of her. Just to show her. But motivation would be just to make her feel bad that she turned me down which I dont think is cool and ok.

I dont really know how to do that "be likable among the group" part. I was always this follower type of person, I still am and I dont understand group dynamics. I usually end up in small talk with people and then it gets weird because we are not that close. Those are people I used to hang out but lost touch with and I am unable to get back to it because people grow and evolve. However, I met some new people and we might have an outing next week and I was just very lightheaded around them because there was no other way around it. Makes me think I am just social chameleon doing and behaving the way others do.

Also, my guess is this is doable over social media too? That you start to post photos of you having lots of fun, doing lots of cool stuff? I am not really into that but in my mind it goes like every 2-3 weeks a new photo and after couple of months she would be like "oh, he is having fun again, look at the dress this girl has... hmm." or "this guy is cute, is it his friend?" This makes me actually very insecure because I seem to have a plan how to deal with things like this but I cant execute. I dont have the skill or resources to do that. I helped a lot of people with their relationships with this kind of "ability" because they had what they needed, just did not know what to do it. And I am the opposite, know what to do but does not know how to. And if I learn how to, I become really unconscious, I am in my head and things blow up. But I would say I just need more experience.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Michal-

Yes, you mainly just need more social experience, more social calibration, and a better feel for what works with what groups of people. I went through that too, where I just couldn't realistically take over most groups, be the charmer, do whatever I wanted socially, etc., even though I knew in certain cases this was what I needed to do. It's frustrating, but you just keep forcing yourself out socializing with that as a focus, and you get it down.

The social media is a big "maybe", depending on how close you and the girl are. e.g., if the two of you were lovers at some point and she was very much in love with you and is still hung up on you emotionally, this might be an effective tactic, because chances are she'll be checking your profile. If you haven't been lovers and she's treating you as some guy who's kind of just "there" in her life, even if you start posting up lots of pictures of you partying with a number of different girls there's a good chance she never notices. I had female friends I hung out with quite regularly who didn't know I wasn't on Facebook until I told them 6 months or a year after I left in 2009; I just wasn't someone they "checked up on" on the site. I'd stick to using that only with girls who had reasonably strong emotional attachments to you (usually sexual partners who got upset because they couldn't get commitment out of you, and now are in auto-rejection), if you use it at all for jealousy purposes. Better just to do things in real life if at all possible though.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Chase,

What if you encounter by accident women you met via cold approach, went on a few dates with them, made out, but not sex, and you simply lost your nerve and quit pursuing them? Absolutely no group/social circle involved.

Let's say, because you didn't get the compliance you wanted (sex) or because you refused to comply with unreasonable demands (i.e. she demanded that you pay always for everything).

Do you ignore her as punishment for her demands pretending you didn't even see her or do you talk to her in a nonchalant/teasing/self-amused way? Is there even a status game to be played in such cases?

Thank you

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

I've only had this happen a few times myself (run into a girl you've cold approached and gotten somewhere with before, but not closed), mainly because I stick to big cities and travel a lot, so that lowers the odds of that happening, but when I have they've always recognized me first, and I've had a few genuine moments of, "Huh? Who?" until they jog my memory, and then it's, "Ohhhhhh! How are you?" and they answer back and they're really excited. It invariably ends with them insisting that we have to hang out soon, even if it didn't end so great between us before.

What I've found works best here is just asking the girl if she still has your number, and then telling her to text you when she's free sometime and you'll set something up. That way, if she does get in contact, she's in pursuit and you know she's interested. If she doesn't, you don't have to worry about her.

If they don't approach you, hard to say; I can't think of a situation where I was the first to notice a girl from the past, but I meet enough people that my life can be kind of a revolving door and my memory gets pretty frequent turnover. I suppose if it happened, and I noticed her first and she didn't seem to notice me, I'd just flash her a really warm smile and wave at her and nod my head a bit, and if she approached me, that'd be cool, and if not, that'd be cool too.

Chase

Sam2's picture

Thank you, Chase, for your response.

The reaction you are suggesting is very warm and devil-may-care, despite things not having ended well. It shows zero bitterness. I will try to pick this attitude myself.

Thanks again for reminding me ;)

Jonas's picture

Hello,
I took some of your advices about depression. It seems to help a little. I have a question about showing interest. You wrote in one post that you should show interest immediately and then dial it down. Why is that? I think I am overdoing it with showing that I like the girl and I found out that she is nicer and kinder if I am not that expressive in my face and just deal with her like with some cashier in supermarket. Some little polite smiles. And if she tries more, I smile more too. I think it is called "hard to get" technique I do. But is it safe? Does not that build wrong expectations for her? Like if we get together she may find out I am shitty person as I myself think and then leave me? It is not really intentional, I got burned in the past with showing interest and showing my feelings and I dont want to get burned again.

Thank you and have nice day.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jonas-

You generally want to show a little heavy interest early on to both screen out the girls who aren't interested in you, and pique the excitement of the ones who are and get them to lower their guards. You then dial it down to let the ones who are interested chase more (and the ones who are less interested but stick around become intrigued, and that intrigue can turn into attraction).

I'm not clear on why a girl would find you're a low quality person and leave once you get together, but if that's the case, you'll have to identify what that is and fix it. On "showing feelings", if you mean telling a girl things like you really like her, or something along those lines, that's usually not good for a relationship unless you are a <em>super</em> charming guy, because it makes you look emotionally vulnerable to her and lower status than her - women want men they have to chase, and convince to date them, not men who are chasing them and trying to convince them. If that's what you were doing before that led to you getting burned, check out these articles:

Chase

Johny's picture

Chase,another great article ! The way you analyze social interactions is amazing...Have you studied phychology by any chance?

So, the reason i'm posting is because i'm confused. On one hand you advise that we should hang out with as many people of different cliques as possible , so as to expand our horizons, but on the other that we should be very discriminating about who we really involve in our lives because we tend to adopt the traits and mindsets of the people we are closer with.

How can we actually manage that?

I might hang out with the nerds for example, but you never get to know them unless you are one, same with athletes, hipsters and the rest. How can you be your own group and independent and at the same time hang out with these very closed cliques and not be just an acquaintance.

Also on being discriminating. Maybe it's because of the age (college) but the people i can easily hang out with and with who we can have an equal relationship where i respect them and want them to succeed and vice versa is a handful. Most are just stuck in their cliques, not supporting each other, putting each other down. being jealous, trying to seem dominant etc

What is the right stance here?
Hang out with just a few people who are high quality and respectful or also hang with others who are jealous, negatively impact my ego and try to change me/force me to adopt an identity-label?

I'd really appreciate your opinion.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Johny-

I find psychology an interesting topic, and have read quite a bit of the scientific literature on it and keep abreast of the latest research, as well as do my best to test out what I learn or hypothesize in my day-to-day interactions, but I'm not a trained academic psychologist, if that's what you mean. I think I had all of one class on psychology in university (though also a very thought-provoking social anthropology course too).

When you're actively working on expanding your reference points and upgrading your ability to socialize in social circle settings, you'll very often need to be less discriminating as to whom you keep company with. That's just the reality of leveling up there. However, as to whom you allow into the inner circles of your life, and who gets the lion's share of your socializing time outside of "practice", you need to be careful there, even when working hard on socializing a lot, since these people have such a big impact on your thoughts, opinions, and life direction.

You can "integrate" with groups the same way an anthropologist who works in the field integrates with, say, an Amazonian tribe, by going, participating in what rituals you can participate in, listening, and asking the occasional question. You avoid discussing your own opinions or talking about your world or life outside the group, which will be alien to them and cause them to view you as unlike them and "other." Instead, you just spend a little time hanging around as that funny guy who's not like us but not unlike us, and eventually they start to bring you in more and more and see you as one of them.

I'd suggest seeking out the higher level people of the different groups you're interested in assimilating with and spending time around them, not the lower level ones. When I was in school, for instance, I had the party guys, the frat guys, the "study-all-the-time" guys, and the ghetto guys, and I'd hang around mostly just the leaders of these groups, who would shield me from the pushiness and judgmentalness of the lower status individuals. The lower status individuals are constantly status jockeying and trying to get others to submit to them, as a means of using those individuals as rungs on the social ladder, but if you're friends with the higher status guys those guys will tell the lower status guys to knock it off and quit bothering you. You just don't go participate in things with those groups when one of the high status guys who likes you isn't around, because then the lower status guys will pile on trying to get you to submit and assume a low-ranking role in the group as a full member, instead of the "friend of the group" role you have as a sometimes-insider who hangs with the high status members. You make friends with the higher status guys by looking cool, seeming laid back and confident, and being a bit of a loner - they will approach you and court your friendship as a potential ally.

So long as you're steering clear of the lower level guys, and only mix with groups where a higher level friend shields you from the lower level guys' attempts to dominate you and force you to assimilate or get out of the group, you can weave between groups without facing pressure from the lower level guys to join up as their toadies or get out of the group.

Chase

Dogan's picture

Chase ,
I haven't seen your answers to the readers for a long time here, İt is fantastic to see you are giving your time , writing in forum. :)
Cheers

Anonymous's picture

I know as I get more experienced I'll improve on this, but how do I know when to increase tension/drag things out/play hard to get and when to make a move?

If I meet a girl at a party for the first time, should I try to get her alone as fast as possible? Should I throw myself on her once we are alone? How do I know if I should build more tension or make her want it more than I do? Would it ever be good to leave the room if it didn't seem like she wanted to hook up that much? I know you talk a lot about moving fast, but if you move fast and it's not enjoyable for her, don't you decrease the pleasure for the both of you and any chances of you hooking up again in the future?

Also, is it better to seduce a girl with an I could take it or leave it vibe or an I must have you because you are the sexiest thing I've ever seen vibe? (Assuming I have strong, sexy fundamentals already)

Anonymous's picture

I noticed a lot of hot girls are dating younger guys. Any reason for this?

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase. I was wondering what I need to do to be better at conversing with people in groups and even groups in general? Like I'll be in a group of friends and i will chime in with a comment or ask a question and it's like I'm not even standing there and no one responds. Then I notice how some of my friends can say literally anything and everyone turns to his attention and answers him or converses with him. And input would be greatly appreciated.

Pablo's picture

Great article like always, unbelievable that you keep writing top quality articles consistently.

Keep up the good work Chase!

Regards,
Pablo

Wes's picture

Hey Chase, I've been gone for a few weeks but i'm glad this post went up in my absence. I really needed this.
I have a question about situations similar to those described in this article but a little more specific because my lifestyle just so happens to be different.
What if the girl that is making things awkward is a girl you cold approached, have no immediate mutual friends with, and you still see her occasionally?
for example, a girl you continue to see at a small college campus.
You cold approached her one day, got her number, followed through with your process and got her home the same day but messed up somewhere in the escalation. You part each other on a good note and it seems like you two would still be friends but now whenever you see her on campus, she straight ignores you and continues walking as if she didn't just see you. (cruel and unnecessary right?)

I was thinking that maybe raising my own social status in her eyes would be the way to go. Y'know, walk past her with a really attractive girl with me. But, that also seems kinda douche-y and I can see it backfiring. She can end up thinking I'm a sleazy player.
Your advice about exchanging one sentence to her sounds like the way to go but is there anything else you would add to this specific situation.
I'm starting to realize that you're more socially calibrated than I thought and that you could probably handle most of my problems like you're dealing with kindergarteners.

Thanks in advance if I hear back from you. Keep up the good work.
Wes

Anonymous's picture

Does this apply to guys who shun you too (part of social situation)?

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