Don’t Get Too Comfortable with Your Friends


I have a hundred stories of me making the mistake of letting my friends cling onto me when out, only to get caught up in their expectations for failure rather than blazing a trail.

Whilst I thought I could drag them along, the reality was that, in order to alleviate their discomfort, I made minor concessions which ultimately caused me to lose my edge (important while learning the ropes).

friends while out

Fortunately though, I have had thousands of other experiences where I didn’t let people cling, and through those experiences have managed to learn how to handle friends on a night out. I’m going to share with you some of my secrets for surviving your friends right now.


“Seem Cool Bro” Isn’t as Cool as it Sounds

Our first instinct when going out is to “seem cool” and to not look out of place so we can give girls easy answers. We for some reason think people actually care about us being totally average, and that it is KEY to not messing up attraction.

It is not really true though. Girls tend to be very quickly bored, distracted, and irritated by “average” because it tends to make guys stubborn and judgemental, and that leads towards very underwhelming interactions.

Being too comfortable often means you offload the pain and stress of being different onto others... and it’s kind of cowardly if you think about it.

I used to go out with friends a lot and I struggled to find a balance between talking to girls and giving my friends a comfortable zone to retreat to. What I discovered was that comfort zones sabotage momentum and will, as a rule, stop you from getting on a roll. Often after that roll is sabotaged you are then pulled into comforting some other guy’s emotions, which is not so cool.

You have to stop feeling grateful for friends to hide behind; and the same goes for crowds/stereotypes and other passive “advantages”. When you feel grateful for things that keep you dull, you by extension tell yourself and others that you don’t want to face change and you reward people for assuming you have low self-esteem.

Even if you do get girls in spite of doing things the “be cool and chill with me bro” way, they will be more likely to walk all over you. So stop thanking people for “protecting” you from the wilderness, and start realizing that all comfort zones ask for too high of a price: your subservience and obedience.

What I discovered amidst my many nights out with friends was that my friends were addicted to comfort and often lashed out violently whenever I wasn’t giving them their fix.

Other guys never noticed the way I was catching eyes with a girl, never noticed how the group beside us was waiting for us to talk to them – they just insisted we shut it all out and talk about some inane thing or go to another place.

Groups like this usually gravitate towards the most annoyed guy, and sacrifice the opportunities being seen by the most alert guy.

It would be great if all of our groups of friends thought of us like Lassie and asked us “What do you hear boy?”, and consistently encouraged us to follow leads and sniff out opportunities, but opportunities are a danger to people’s comfort zones, so you won’t find it that easy to get your friends to be aware of the subtle vibes you are picking up from girls and give you the space to pursue them.

Guys often:

  • Don’t want to wait for you
  • Are envious of any attention you get
  • Are territorial and think girls only like them
  • Are affected negatively by your success

The best way to handle this situation is to realize that your friends are actually being clingers, and that by allowing this clinging to happen you are effectively trading opportunity-spotting for group therapy.

Here are a few things you should do to amend it.


Step 1: Don’t be a clinger yourself

Clingers generally allow low self-esteem in exchange for safety, so simply don’t give or receive or expect comfort when out for girls. Force yourself to be high esteem by removing all the crutches and protection and try to unburden yourself from any social roles in that group that will end up with you babysitting or being babied.


Step 2: Get clingers attached to something else or strand them a little bit

Regularly stranding people in unimportant situations helps them grow some backbone. Normally guys will hang on your arm and pay close attention, or be averse to losing you and having to search for you, so make it clear that you will strand them and pick back up with them later on a consistent basis.

friends while out

This might seem harsh, but a guy cannot learn anything by holding onto your coattails, it is just as likely to make them depressed and feel like they have no self-worth if they watch you pick up a girl while they are in clinger mode. For the good of their self-esteem, don’t indulge their clinger side.


Step 3: Make finding each other easy, even if you end up on the other side of town

It really shouldn’t matter where your friends are. The further away from you your friends are the better, because all you really need them for is to meet up with when entering, short conversations, and to go get food with.

You should take on a correspondence type relationship with them and keep group huddles short. You should always be breaking from the group, sometimes in twos, sometimes in threes, and often alone, and these relationships should feel fleeting and “on the go”. Constantly peeling off with a person or two, then circling back and leaving them alone, then going off by yourself is good practice.


Step 4: Reduce accountability

  • Let your friends know you can get a taxi, find your own way back/around, and that they should just text you if they want to move on and you’ll meet them in line somewhere later.

  • Constantly cut sentences and allow others to cut sentences to observe surroundings or keep things light.

  • Never speak about important or detailed topics that require concentration while out meeting girls.

  • Just like a Navy SEAL team hand gestures and moves on a dime, you want to keep alert (minus the gestures and crouching of course).


Step 5: Face outward

Body language should point away from your friends and rarely ever be slumped like a couch potato; you should be agile and prioritize opportunity first. To remove all temptation to sit and dwell with friends, constantly get up, move, and check things out.

Being cool doesn’t mean slouching in a group.

If you really want to get out and meet girls, you cannot slouch in a group with friends and “collect data” throughout the night. If you are this data collecting machine you are also an average and unremarkable guy slouching around in a group. You do not want to be an unremarkable guy slouching in a group collecting data because the data you collect will be stupid.

Being “cool” isn’t at all about appearing normal; it’s about flowing and adapting to situations in a very open and dynamic way.

What this dynamism does is it drastically increases you having “run ins” with people, and especially girls, because they move around like this by nature. The reason run ins increase is super simple too: you just aren’t shutting people OUT. Guys that slouch and sit together get no play because they aren’t open to it!

Here is a short little story:

I used to go out with these two guys like a decade ago; I recently met up with them to kind of catch up. These guys are clingers and only hit on girls when they go onto the dance floor, but they are okay guys so I agreed to go out with them when I arrived back in town.

We all get ready and head out to the club, and at the door I get distracted talking to the door girl for a while (she was really bored and it was a small club, so I was cheering her up, because I knew the look) and my friends out of embarrassment move on inside. Right after they did some girls came in and saw the door girl smiling talking to me and they ran in and hugged her (they must have known her), my job cheering her up was done so I moved in.

I saw my friends at the bar and got them to order me a drink while I checked the place out. Girls turned as I walked to the dance floor, I gave them a sly little smirk and kept doing what I was doing, circled back to the guys, got my drink, and told them a good place to post up. I had a few sips with them and sat back and relaxed.

I saw the girls who hugged the girl at the front desk rush in. I told the guys to go dance if they needed something to do, and said I was going to check upstairs. As I went to the stairs, one of the girls recognized me, and pointed to me, so I took her hand and had a quick little dance, waved goodbye, and went upstairs.

There wasn’t much happening up there, so I came back down, only to meet a girl texting on her phone in the stairwell. I asked her if she lost her friends, she said yes but that they’d be coming in a bit; I asked if she wanted to talk while waiting. I walk back downstairs girl in arm, the girl I danced with before waved and I waved back and we walked past my friends to a couch where we then talked for a little before her friends came and my friends “needed me back”.

I walk back to my friends and we go to the dance floor. I dance a little with them and once they are in their groove I move towards a cute girl off the edge of the dance floor. I think about it for a second and then, out of curiosity as to how she would react, walk up to her.

She kind of acts smug and so I laugh a bit while smiling at her, “Alright” I say as she semi-rejects me and I walk to the bar. At the bar I get distracted talking to some people and the girl that just semi-rejected me walks up to me and takes my hand (I guess she liked the way I took her smug response in stride). We walk around the corner and talk and my friends bump into us.

The point of this story is just to show you how abundant opportunity is all around you. My old friends eventually caught on that there were three or four groups of girls in the club talking to me/vying for my time. They then backed off with all the “stick here with us” stuff and just relaxed and started appreciating when I was back and chatting with them for a bit. The moral of the story is: don’t let others close you off, because look at all you’d miss.

Don’t let your friends or seeking comfort rule you, opportunity is CONSTANTLY around you, and even if your sense of it is weak, it is in your best interest to listen for the parts of it you can pick up on so you can get stronger. Don’t aim to be average with them, aim to be taking up opportunities, so they can be encouraged by your example to do the same.

Don’t get too comfortable.

That comes later.

Cody Lyans

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Comments

Estate's picture

Great but oft ignored


Great but oft ignored topic.

I've started to roll solo a lot again lately. While a great wingman can be invaluable, the reality is that most guys really just don't get it.

My experiences:
- PUA-type friends will only be too eager to show their "AMOGing" skills and try to "out-alpha" each other.

- Average guy, as you say, gets too comfortable, even holds you back, won't allow the group to open up. In extreme cases I've seen them just plain scare women off with poorly judged comments and anti-social behaviour. Incredibly jealous of seeing you succeed and is only too eager to tear you down or blow you out.

- Naturals... I guess these tend to make the best wingmen, but how often do you find a TRUE natural? If he's confident enough to know he can compete with the best but is a cool enough guy to actually help you out knowing you'd return the favor... this guy is gold. He's the magic unicorn of wingmen... but how often do you really meet these guys? Most naturals don't actually realize what is going on and just go for it themselves.

So it's quite true. Friends are great to get you in a social mood early in the night instead of rolling into a bar or club alone but if you constantly find yourself stuck in pointless conversations with them without talking to a single other person around by 2am... it's time to rethink strategy.

David Riley's picture

Very True


Hey Estate,

That's very true, I've been able to help my friends and give them cover fire as a wing man. I'll gladly be a wing man for my friends, siblings, or cousins. I enjoy helping my friends get laid. When it's time for me to get laid, I run solo. Like Cody and yourself mentioned, some guys don't get it. They'll blow your cover and ruin the vibe with a girl. This is typically why I'll drive separately to a venue or meet with a girl earlier in a day. I do appreciate my friends trying to help me at times, but a lot of times its more harm than good. The best wing man I've ever ran with was my own father, he knows my ins and outs. The best part is he truly wants me to succeed. He never tries to cock block me and knows how to fade out a conversation.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

I Run Into This Alot


Maybe it's because the friends I have but I can NEVER go out with my friends trying to talk to girls.

David Riley's picture

Single Player Mode


Hey Anon,

I actually advocate for guys on the forums to go out alone. It's very easy to find out what exactly what right or wrong in a interaction. I made an extensive post called single player mode. It covers just about every aspect that me successful while running solo.

Single Player Mode

Just Dave

JasonParker's picture

Stange "Friend" Theory


Cody,

You may not have real friends or you may just be borderline sociopathic. Your assumptions of how guys often are, makes me think your guy friends are just complete assholes and aren't even your real friends. My friends aren't territorial, jealous, etc.

Don't call these people your friends, because they are more like your acquaintances. My interactions with acquaintances are what you've described above, not with friends.

Also, rather than helping your friends grow by teaching them, this is more about you going out with them just to get into a club or so you don't appear like you're alone. No need to be such a dick to them. You can easily teach them by lending insight into their behaviors, rather than just ditching them, as you seem to do.

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