How to Become Selfish in Life

how to be selfishSelfishness has never been a glorified trait among humanity. Caring chiefly about one’s own needs is frequently named as one of the greatest threats to society and causes of degeneration and degradation within it.

After all, a selfish man is supposed to be a guy who offers nothing to society. He’s nothing but some leech that cares about himself, and he’ll go to great lengths just to put down others so he can stay on top.


Au contraire. Used in the wrong capacity, sure, selfishness could certainly hurt others. However, being selfish, in of itself, is not bad. Thinking about it as a negative trait, however, may certainly be introducing a daily dose of cognitive dissonance to your life.

Such dissonance comes to the fore as you finally realize the inevitable fact that everyone has selfish tendencies.

We all aim to promote ourselves first, followed by others. Throw a big steak in front of you while you’re starving, and have the option to leave it there for someone else or die, and you’re eating that steak.

Survival is coded into our biology.

However, society promotes the idea that leaving the steak would be more admirable. Promoting ourselves over others is bad, and we should instead seek to help others over ourselves.

The conflict between society’s vaunted ideal of selflessness versus your biological desire to tend to your own needs mounts and builds, and eventually people are left attempting to help each other become better, but never helping themselves become better, even though they are the only ones who can do so.

And that, my friends, leads us in a perfect circle of solving nothing.

The Issue with Selflessness

Why do you think that the selfish asshole is so universally adored by women?

It’s not simply because it adds a hint of Byronic imperfection (though that certainly helps), but because he teaches others to focus on themselves in order to make things better, rather than relying on others to allay their problems for them amidst them trying to do the same for others.

The selfish asshole is strong, independent, and high value. And that’s all because he’s primarily concerned with himself, rather than others.

Now, if you will, imagine the other side of the coin: the selflessness conundrum.

This is unfortunately where most people are stuck, and it can feel extremely limiting.

You see, when someone is selfless and starts caring about other people, a lot of negative mindsets can erupt.

For example, this past week I found myself talking to an old friend of mine who got back into contact with me after moving overseas. She was feeling sexual frustration as her boyfriend is a docile nice guy who can’t satisfy her deepest desires to be absolutely dominated in bed with kinky, rough sex.

I prompted her to talk about it, and she started going on about her problems. As I listened to her story I began to invest in trying to fix her problems.

Luckily I caught myself after I started recommending things, as I soon realized that she wasn’t interested in trying those ideas. I may have caught myself this time, but the same thing has happened to me countless times in the past, where I simply cared too much about trying to help others, which left me unable to take care of my own life.

I was involved in their problems, and not mine. Being “selfless” and caring about others was my method of running away from the problems I faced, and it’s something that I fear many other people do too.

Once you turn into a man who fixes his own problems, you largely begin to understand that this is the only way that people will fix theirs.

The most you can do to help is to put what you know out there, but getting involved in trying to improve others isn’t going to lead to a positive end. Be a little more selfish in your life, and let others be a little more selfish in theirs.

The Selfish Man Becomes a Better Man

Selfish men tend to be better men who offer more value to others. It’s funny how things work out like that.

That’s because once you finally take the time to stop caring about solving the problems of other people, you can begin to work on your own. For example:

  • Need to work out to feel better? You can do that.
  • Need to get laid? You can do that.
  • Want to master a certain skill? You can do that.
  • Want to do something you enjoy? I think you get the picture.

And, all of those things lead you to being a happy, satisfied man, rather than a slave to someone else’s emotions. And such a man is extremely high value, because it’s so completely rare in the world these days.

how to be selfish

Speaking as a man born and raised in America, I can tell you that there are very few people out there that hold this view. Many suffer from victim mentality and believe that others should care about them; after all, they attempt to do so much for others.

But then you introduce a genuine man into their life and they utterly adore him. He doesn’t run around trying to fix their problems, but instead encourages them to be at their best behavior around him, because he doesn’t want to have a negative influence in his life.

And when such a thing is expected of these women, they capitulate to his desires and cheer up. The combination of emotional contagion from staying around an emotionally positive man, with the emotional control effect from trying to make herself a happier person, provides a potent punch to the nervous system that raises the spirits of any women within your domain – all with less effort on your part.

Sound like something that you’d enjoy? Then you better read about the nuances involved with being selfish, because it’s not all about being an asshole.

How to Be a Selfish Man

How does a selfless man become selfish?

Selfishness is just as much of a state of mind as it is a physical way of being.

Luckily, the passive state of mind is an easy one to hold: simply start focusing on solving your own problems rather than the problems of others.

However, the primary dilemma appears when you’re out in the field and you have a woman who complains about something to you, and you end up taking it upon yourself to fix the issue.

This is the active state of mind – when you’re choosing between either being selfish or selfless within moments of being introduced to the option. This, gentlemen, is your default setting, and it takes some work to change it.

Here’s how the common man will react to being told about someone else’s issues taking them upon himself:

Girl: “I wish I could get a job…”

Guy: “Why can’t you?”

Girl: “I don’t know!”

Guy: “Hey, well you can! Just go out there and apply to every place!”

Girl: “I can’t do that! I’m too scared.”

Guy: “Sure you can! I’ll help!”

Girl: “No no no I’ll be fine! I’m sure I’ll figure out something.”

Guy: “Well… okay then.”

The guy then proceeds to constantly prompt her to follow through with her goals, and constantly tries to help her succeed in them by offering his own personal services:

Guy: “Hey! I have some free time, want to go job hunting!”

Girl: “Nooo, I don’t have a ride.”

Guy: “I can drive you!”

Girl: “I’ll take care of it!”

Guy: (Goes into hard sell, trying to convince her to follow through, but fails)

It should be quite obvious at this point that the selfless man is chasing. Selflessness in of itself isn’t negative, but it quite often facilitates chasing, as you are trying to improve someone else’s life, and when such a thing isn’t wanted by someone else it becomes a chase.

Now, here’s how the selfish man deals with such a scenario:

Girl: “I wish I could get a job…”

Guy: “It’s up to you to try.”

Girl: “Yeah, I guess that’s true.”

Guy: (changes to a positive topic)

He’s quite obviously low effort and has the capacity to inspire her. And it’s all because he didn’t get absorbed in trying to solve her problems himself.

Train yourself to become a man who doesn’t become overburdened with trying to help others, and you end up actually being able to help them. You’re removed from the situation, and act as a passive encourager of others, which ultimately makes you more effective at providing aid in most situations... not less.

Being Selfish #Being a Jerk

Being selfish is often a quality of a jerk, and it certainly can give off the impression that you are a jerk if you use it in the wrong situations.

However, what many jerks end up doing is acting selfish in order to promote an air of deference, inviting women to invest more in them. But make them invest too much too often, and they go into auto-rejection.

This, however, is not what I suggest you do, as it can work against your goals.

A man who is concerned with promoting his own welfare wouldn’t lack too much consideration for others, as others tend to have an effect on him. This is the genuine man – he’s focused on himself, but still has enough consideration for others because he knows that emotional contagion can negatively impact his well-being.

Selfish: talk about a contradictory word.

And that’s why you must always keep in mind that other people do matter in the grand scheme of things. You can’t go around pissing people off without consequences, but that option still remains available to you if it’s the best option.

After all... if people don’t like what you say or do, you can always deal with the consequences. It’s up to you to decide how you’re going to use such a power.

Many people out there use it to gain an unlimited capacity for power, such as people seeking large amounts of wealth and influence. Obviously, this angers many people, and they lash out in accusing these people of being selfish. And it’s true – they were being selfish, which enabled them to gather more than they could use, improving their welfare and, sometimes, stepping on the welfare of others.

I simply use this power to get where I want to be in life, and help others to realize their capacity for succeeding in their goals.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

After some time mulling over this article, you may come to the conclusion that being selfish is something all of us would be better off doing.

And I tend to agree on this one. However, many others vehemently oppose such an idea.

Suggest that someone introduce a little selfishness into their life without a little subtext, and you come off as a jerk. That’s why I simply suggest that if you ever try to get someone to back off worrying about their own life, explain what to do, rather than issuing out advice through a negative label.

In the long run, changes aren’t made through someone else taking an active stance; they are made through the influences in our lives, which encourage us to actively change and improve.

- Ross

Ross LeonAbout the Author: Ross Leon

Ross Leon is a member of the Girls Chase Forums and an occasional contributor to Girls Chase. His focus is on body building, relationships, and personal self-development.

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G's picture

I like the way this is explained

Ross Leon's picture

Thanks G.

Talking about selfishness rarely gets much positive attention in our culture, but I'm glad readers can look past a word with negative sentiment to understand that things aren't as they seem.

Demo Jones's picture

Hi there,

First of all, awesome article! I think WAY more people should be aware of the true nature of selfishness, the benefits that you've described, and that the supposedly "noble" path of selflessness actually burdens society as a whole nowadays.

I read an article a while back on the same subject, and it explained that the significance of 'selflessness' in society was introduced when we were more communal as a society, the tribe/village/early city kind of set up. In these communal environments if someone was selfish (e.g. hording food or staying out of combat in order to survive) it would be detrimental to the community.

These days most of us don't need to worry about food shortages or the rival tribe trying to take our land and our women. We are living in a society that is increasingly individualistic, most sense of community seems to have gone out the window (especially in the more populated, developed areas). Ultimately the need for selflessness, at least how society portrays it, is no longer truly needed, and as you described above it can actually be harmful in the form of victim mentality and the like.

It makes sense to be selfish (to the point where you don't ruin other people's lives) because we aren't communal, no one can help or save us anymore (even if they knew how), burdens are no longer shared and for good reason; who wants to take on the burden of the personal individual problems of others when they are 'PERSONAL' 'INDIVIDUAL' problems that can only really be solved by the individual person. The problems we face today; depression, social anxiety, lack of motivation etc. these are the responsibility of the person experiencing them.

Popular culture hasn't evolved fast enough to keep up with society.

Ross Leon's picture

Demo Jones,

Yeah, it's good to separate selfishness from downright hoarding. Oftentimes when I think about the scenario of guys being selfish and hoarding resources for themselves, it turns out to be a pretty dumb move on their part, as hoarding resources has the potential to cause them a lot of grief, as those without resources will attempt to get their hands on the edge that a certain group of people may have over them.

I think you're getting at the real meat and bones of how selflessness is rather this ruse, where the word doesn't match up with how it is portrayed. A lot of linguistic errors in our way of speech (dictionary definitions versus street definitions) creates chaos in our lives, because we're so used to hearing words talked about in one way when in reality the definition means and entirely different thing.

The result, someone hears something that's talked about as exceedingly good, such as selflessness, then they try to be more selfless. However, they soon find that their constant attention paid towards other peoples PERSONAL INDIVIDUAL problems as you so blatantly noted that they receive negative feedback. Then society comes right back up and provides positive feedback, causing a cycle of perpetual unhappiness with the entire idea of helping other people, which results in further negative reinforcement... and well, yeah, you get the idea, it leads nowhere anybody wants to be.

I feel that the mix ups in what we're being told and what is actually occurring is the main cause of the mix up between popular culture. It's primarily what I based the article "How Experiences Shape Your Life" off of, which I think you'd greatly enjoy as an explanation piece.

- Ross

Inferno's picture

I was in class yesterday, and I didn't let this fat girl borrow my pencil because she is a jerk, so she wanted to have a tantrum. she kept trying to aggravate me and tried to fight with me, I didn't take her bate because we had a ex nike executive coming to talk to us. She moved her I pad in front of me and refused to move it and would grab it every time I moved it? I'm, starting to think I'm having an issue with women challenging me. This isn't the first girl who tried this because I didn't give her her way. These girls may have too much testosterone or something, but I don't want to go to jail .

Smith's picture

Thanks for the awesome article! that was nicely explained! It reminds me of all those times where I tried to fix someone's problem but not only did it not work, it also burdened my life because I started to think about more of their problems instead of focusing on mine.

Anonymous's picture

Is it me or is the frequency and quality of the articles on this site declining? Like is Chase in jail and can't crank things out as frequently as before?

Chase Amante's picture

Working on bringing on more writers. It is a priority, don’t worry.

As for me, I’m not in jail, though I am spending an inordinate amount of time learning funnel construction, media buying, the upsell/downsell process, and various intricacies of copywriting to satisfy various demands of the business; I’ve been plowing lots of time into building out our new sales funnel; we have a team of people on staff that’s getting somewhere close to 20 different individuals at this point, which can make admin something of a chore, and there are days when I spend 4 to 6 hours on management alone; I’ve been negotiating various contracts for various agreements and JVs we’re involved in; and the past 8 or 9 days I’ve traded probably around 100 messages back and forth with our new hosting provider as we’ve changed servers, and spent endless amounts of time testing GC on Single Hop versus GC on HostGator (we’ve finally got things 99% working on Single Hop, and shouldn’t experience all the downtime we had with HostGator anymore… plus the site now seems to be loading much faster, which is quite good).

Meantime, I’ve been still making sure we’re getting at minimum four new content articles up per week, and I’m still writing at minimum two new 1,500+ word newsletters that go out to the mailing list each week as well.

So sometimes it kinda feels like I’m in jail I guess. I haven’t had a sub-12-hour workday in forever.

Also, I do do SOME stuff other than work on the site ;)

So, yeah, we’re not going anywhere… Alek’s going to be writing an article a week for the site starting in June, and I hope to bring on some additional writers (I had three in the pipeline over the past few months, and none panned out) - it’s just hard finding guys who are talented AND know how to write AND know how to teach in this space. But it IS a priority, even if you can’t see all the stuff I’m doing behind the scenes. I was hoping to have us at a new article daily back in March, and we probably would’ve been there had some of those writer candidates gone through, but we’ll figure it out.


CHAZ's picture

Hello Ross:

I'd like to share with you a link to a conservative blog where they write about conservative values:
The motive for this is because I'd like to know your opinion on Conservatism in general and its moral relation to what is taught here at girlschase. First of all, let me say that I am in fact most grateful to all that I have learned on this site, yet, asuming that your readership are intelligent individuals, then it's impossible to detach from Reality itself and the consequences of our actions derived from what we have learned on this site. In other words, is living a sexually satisfying life with many partners necessarily destructive to society in general?
Chase Amante already wrote an article on the topic but, the link to the article I pasted here trully gives you something to think about from a moral perspective.
I hope you or Chase can write about this topic.
Thank you and best regards!

Anonymous's picture

Hi guys, I already posted this questuion on a couple of other articles but i didn't get any email back. I've been reading your articles for a while and if I started with learning pick up, I finished with learning something useful in life in general. The main question I still have is - how can I find guys like you in this world? I want to have a buddy as willing to explore this world as yoú're but what should I do to make it happen. Now, I study in Boston and if there is any chance that I can meet any of you, I would be very welcomed. Thank you.

With respect,

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