You’ve probably been brought up to think that leaning on posts, putting your feet up, leaning back on chairs, and slouching a little bit is the key to looking good in the classroom, but if we are being honest here, no one cares, and these little tweaks are not really going to have any impact on girls noticing you.
What gets girls noticing you is never as simple as showing you don’t care, mostly because it doesn’t stand out to them as different from the other guys they see daily doing the same things. And none of those men lay themselves back so well that girls rush to them and instantly start talking with them, so it begs the question: why are you really acting that way, and is this method attractive?
In all likelihood you are choosing the easiest path, a path you haven’t really thought about very much, a path that relies on some mysterious undercurrent to be at play that will bring you luck and a girl. But we have to not only ask “Is this pragmatic?”, we also have to ask “Is the way I’m handling this attractive?”.
The Easy Path: Attractive... Or Not?
The truth is that “taking the easy path” is not very attractive to women, as it tends to communicate that you don’t care about details that matter, which eventually communicates that you are just like every other guy who white knights her, pushes his ego up front (“I’m a big deal”), and acts entitled to a birthday BJ and a sports night. There is nothing wrong with BJs and sports, but it is wrong if that is ALL you are. What girl gets excited about the prospect of a one-way ticket to mediocrity? Not many.
As a result, it is important to understand that because you are so easy-going about details you are signalling loudly that you are happy with her having a boring sex life and an unfulfilling life in general. It is no wonder the girls don’t look, because you are being the same as all the other people in her life that don’t believe in her deserving anything, so she is going to react exactly how she always reacts to that atmosphere: she will wear her social mask, not let on her true feelings, and just be polite.
Body language is about more than looking cool, it is about expressing understanding of scenarios. If you take it really lazy, it will take you nowhere, but if you start thinking in terms of what am I doing, saying, and what does that mean for women, you’ll do much better.
I was raised with really simple body language tips: crossing your arms is defensive, hands out of your pockets, don’t look down. Those body language tips by themselves probably just made you more of a mental masturbator than a guy who knows anything real about body language. Often body language is a less important part of the overall projection of intent. It is what we communicate through our actions, our composure, and how we hold ourselves relative to real factors that matter.
Body language is kind of similar to preparation, or good foundations; it is used usually to communicate that you are always ready, always open, always dynamic and aware. Other people look at your body language to take cues on the situation and the significance or insignificance of certain things. People look to those who are aware of what is happening as a shortcut to figuring it out themselves.
Therefore, it is important that you let people “take a lead” from your actions, help them feel comfortable, help them have energy to succeed, and help them feel connected with what is going on by taking cues from you. Doing things this way is what gets people utilizing your body language and valuing it. Once your body language is valued, then all you have to do is communicate good things to girls through it, and if you do so successfully it will create strong rapport with the girls who did utilize your cues, and they will look forward to talking to you if the chance comes up.
It isn’t magic, it isn’t cool guy voodoo, it isn’t acting like Clint Eastwood, it is just making your projections / cues / etc., and what they express, valuable. If you start looking at it this way you can see how plain and average that usual body language stuff is.
Changing Body Language
Body language isn’t that easy to change though. If you force yourself to sit up straight for example it can really hurt your back and make you look weird. So what do you do? Most people’s solution is just give up, but that isn’t going to be your solution.
There are things you can do to improve posture and general body language by exercising, eating well, getting decent sleep, working out your body evenly, and enhancing the flexibility, coordination, and health of your movements. But even deeper than this, there is our psychology and how it affects how we feel we deserve to stand or feel.
As a consequence of psychology, most people feel really awkward changing their body language in any useful or significant way. It feels like you are exposed or likely to topple over or appear weird to people. Often this feeling builds up until finally you snap and give up and go back to your old ways. You aren’t bad at body language if this has happened to you, you just aren’t dealing with its psychological foundations.
How long can you hold your breath? One minute? Or maybe you are a swimmer so perhaps a couple? Fact is, no matter how long you can hold your breath, breathing naturally is a lot better.
Have you ever tried to consciously breathe then freaked out because you started feeling weird?
Well body language and adjusting it is actually meant to be natural. If body language isn’t as natural as breathing, it isn’t going to be a lasting or fulfilling change, it is going to make you feel weird and become a mental fixation that isn’t really DOING anything to help you with girls. So the question is, “What natural changes in my outlook make me feel good and give me improvements in body language?”, because this more indirect approach will set you up to have genuine long-lasting changes in how you hold yourself without any negatives or weird rigid thinking attached to it.
If you want to change your body language you have to appreciate the power of your body to adapt itself on its own to reflect the state of being you inhabit. Let body language change over time as you slowly express more confidence in yourself. Slowly start working on feeling comfortable with expressing yourself in ways that express good things and create rapport with people. Let yourself work away at removing that shell, and let improvements naturally evolve so they come across genuine and reflective of your nature.
The Biggest Changes
The biggest changes are shoulders, back, exposing your chest a little more, and having a much calmer and piercing gaze or demeanour. It is about opening yourself up to being seen, instead of closing yourself off from people’s sight by pulling shoulders forward and trying to hide features you might be insecure about. These things aren’t attractive alone, they just open you up so that you are not discouraging people from looking.
Another big change is adjustments to your openness / expressiveness. People with good body language feel their environment, so they will often make a little squint or slight smile, or adjust how they are sitting or standing, to act in tune with things happening around them. Most people shut themselves off because, while studying or in a group for example, their only goal is survival. But if your goal is to explore, to feel, and to interact with slight changes, you will start to intrigue others and involve them in your mental space, which helps you use what skills you have of sub-communication really well.
Another big change is where you place yourself. Right next to the girl, then with a slight smile, disarming her and showing her it is no big deal, or by a nice place close by where she can easily look over and have some fun that way. Ultimately when you are dealing with body language you are also dealing with space, boundaries, and displaying why you make your choices in an open and receivable way. It is important that you get comfortable being a little bolder so your new body language can be shown to hold up to a subtle test without cracking or shrinking. Enhancing this naturally bold and open body language really starts opening noticeable communication lines.
Ultimately, body language is a wild thing. You can’t really control it, you can only make great choices and help encourage it. You can’t really improve it if you don’t appreciate the importance of it or assess its use for women beyond the superficial level. Once you absorb these two important details though, you can improve pretty drastically over a good period of time and permanently improve your interactions with girls.
It is important that you keep it as natural as possible, don’t be lazy about girls, and assess how your own outlook and expressions can help girls feel like you are on their side and not just a white knight, absent-minded, ticket-to-mediocrity guy.
If you can give girls the impression that you genuinely appreciate these kinds of things they will be more receptive, and if you finish that off with the ability to hold a good conversation, then you are off to a really solid start.
Body language alone isn’t going to get girls to jump in bed with you, but nothing works exactly like that, so if you approach it as a component of a larger overarching plan for improving, it will do you some good.