8 Friends with Benefits Rules You Must Obey

friends with benefits rulesFollowing up my piece yesterday on "The 4 Stages of Every Friends with Benefits Relationship", today I'm going to get into the nuts and bolts of running your casual relationships by giving you 8 friends with benefits rules that are absolutely mandatory you follow... to not have everything go to hell in a hand basket, that is.

Friends with benefits are lots of fun, but these relationships are also loaded with the potential to get messy on the turn of a dime. All it takes is a little bending of the rules, and you can very quickly find yourself:

  • With a friend with benefits who's falling in love with you

  • Falling in love with your friend with benefits yourself

  • Experiencing confusion in your social circle about where you stand

  • Enjoying reputation damage or drama or other bad effects from things gone awry

Break the rules, and you're playing with fire without a fire extinguisher handy.

Adhere to them, and, well, let's just say you're handling fire in a responsible, fun, and mostly safe way.

So what are these rules you've got to stick to, anyway?

friends with benefits rules

Sex is, of course, your bread and butter in a friends with benefits relationship. If you're not having sex, what's the point?

Problems arise when you're being loose in how you set things up... and if you're not careful, it's all too easy to transform a casual relationship into a committed relationship by failing to follow the friends with benefits rules about sex.

Here are the three (3) on the subject that you absolutely must follow.

#1: Have Sex Every Time You Hang Out

She comes over to your place? You have sex.

You go over to her place? You have sex.

This one is an ironclad, unbreakable rule of friends with benefits relationships, for very good reason: the only reason you're even IN a friends with benefits relationship is for the benefits. Are you spending time with this person for:

  • Her sparkling personality?
  • The deep personal connection you feel with her?
  • Your prospective future children's sakes one day?

No, right? Then you need to make sure you sleep with her every time you see her, for several key reasons:

  1. If you see her for sex, then don't have sex, she'll begin to lose interest in you as a sexual being, and the relationship doesn't have long to last in its current form

  2. If you start spending non-sexual time with her, there's not much else to do there but build your non-sexual relationship with one another... and that's things like your platonic friendship, or a deeper romantic bond. For obvious reasons, these things are setting you on a path you don't really want to go down

Why might you encounter resistance to sex with a friend with benefits? The most usual reasons are either that she's falling for you, and wants to make you chase her more in order to transition you into a committed relationship... or she's met someone else, but she'd still like to keep you around... just, not as a lover, but rather as friends. *shiver*

Either way, if you encounter resistance from friends with benefits, use your standard resistance-overcoming tools (turn her on, address her objections, etc.), but if that doesn't do the trick, it's probably time to end that hang out session, and think long and hard about whether you want to see her again, and if so, on what terms. It shouldn't be difficult with a friend with benefits, and if you've found someone cool (and it's not in one of those later stages we discussed in the last article), it won't be.

#2: No Sleeping Over at Your Place

Here, the rules differ between the man's place and the woman's place:

  • The man's place is off-limits for sleeping over
  • The woman's place is okay for sleeping over

Why's that? Because letting her stay over at your place makes her feel very comfortable with you, and gives her a feeling of control over you. Not so bad, you say? Well, establishing long term relationships involves a lot of women wresting control from men, pinning them down to a degree, and feeling increasingly certain they occupy a central place in the man's world.

And there are few things that advance this feeling more than spending the night... then leaving sometime much later the next day. Things are starting to seem pretty serious, now!

If she leaves after you sleep with her, she implicitly knows that:

  • You might see someone else after she's gone
  • You might have a date (or dates) lined up the next day

If she sleeps over and dawdles around the next morning though, throw those out the window.

There's another thing, too: men with a lot going on in their lives don't LET women who are friends with benefits stay over. They legitimately just have too many things to do, and as fun as she is to hang out with (and sleep with!), having her stick around too much longer is cramping their styles - if you're a man, you probably enjoy talking with other men more than you enjoy talking with women; and if you're dating multiple women, you're actively trying to minimize the non-sex time you're spending with them, usually, so they don't expand to consume your entire schedule and leave no time free for work, downtime, or sex with other women.

In other words, if you're a man letting women stay over at your place, you're telling those women:

  1. That your schedule isn't really THAT busy
  2. That you like them enough to let them impose
  3. That you're probably more interested in something serious

Letting female friends with benefits stay over at your place just sets all the wrong kinds of expectations - don't do it.

#3: Keep It to Once Per Week

... because if you're seeing her more often than that, it's not really a casual relationship, is it?

You might think this is a friends with benefits rule you can bend and get away with. Nah-uh. This one's ironclad.

The fact is, in almost every friends with benefits relationship, SOMEBODY falls for the other person, and in most friends with benefits relationships, that somebody is the girl.

She's just looking for a reason to let herself go crazy for you.

And if you start inviting her over more than once a week, even just some of the time, guess what? She's going to start to wonder if you really like her.

friends with benefits rules

And thinking that you might really like her is all the permission she needs to start to really like YOU.

What if you're going to only break this rule occasionally? Like, sometimes booty call her twice in one week, and other times just not call her at all during a week?

Even worse. Having a broken / unpredictable pattern just makes her spend more time thinking about you and wondering if you're going to call, and when you will, or why you didn't... which is more investment by her, and more juice to make her fall in love.

Shouldn't need to be said but I'll say it anyway: obviously, DON'T take close friends / neighbors / immediate social circle members as friends with benefits. You're just asking for an impossible task keeping it to once a week maximum in that case... and keeping it out of serious relationship land. You've been warned.

friends with benefits rules

Sex is only the first area requiring your attention in the friends with benefits rule canon. In fact, there are more rules you must stick to to avoid a pleasant and drama-free (as much as possible) casual relationship - five (5) more of them, in fact.

In no particular order, here they are:

#4: Steer Clear of One Another's Friends

Nothing says "we're in a relationship" quite like hanging out with one another's friends. If you're in the same social circle, it's even worse; the forces that want the two of you to stop being casual and start being exclusive (white knights; friends of hers who know she really likes you; etc.) conspire to "keep an eye on you" and limit your choice with other women, hoping to box you into something more committed, while the girl herself begins to feel increasingly comfortable treating this casual relationship like a serious relationship... after all, you two spend so much time around one another in front of friends, it's almost like you're boyfriend and girlfriend anyway, isn't it?

Spending time with her friends means that they're going to start gossiping about you, prompting her to "get serious" or ditch you, and potentially risk her social reputation as people wonder what's going on with the two of you, or shame her for engaging in a non-traditional relationship.

Spending time with YOUR friends means she starts feeling like you've given her your "stamp of approval" - after all, meeting his friends is a pretty big deal, isn't it?

You might be the connector type, who likes getting the different people in his life together and introducing new people. That's fine, just don't do it with friends with benefits. You can do it with everyone else instead.

There's one other reason why not to introduce friends with benefits to your friends, or meet their friends, too: boundary control. If things go south between the two of you, you're going to want to cut contact and make a clean break - but if she has all your friends on speed dial, that's probably not going to happen.

#5: Ditch the Cute Couple Stuff

Last time, she just came over to your place and the two of you soaked the bed together.

So maybe this time it'd be nice if you went out and got a nice seafood dinner?

Not so far - couple stuff is for long-term relationships... not casual ones. Not even for budding ones that you'd like to become long-term (see: "How to Start a Relationship with a New Girlfriend").

That includes things like:

  • Going out to dinner
  • Going to the movies
  • Going to events / parties / activities
  • Kissing outside of the bedroom / not leading to sex
  • Calling her "just to talk"
  • Texting her about anything other than meeting up (for sex)
  • Chatting her up on IM or social media
  • Posting pictures of the two of you on social media

... and anything else that might possibly be construed as a sign that the two of you "are an item."

If you need someone to do these things with... get a girlfriend. Don't do them with friends with benefits.

#6: Spend the Holidays Apart

We talked about this a bit "What to Do with Your Girlfriend on Valentine's Day", but let's look at the reasons more here specifically as apply to friends with benefits. This one could conceivably have gone under the last sub header, but it's important enough that it deserves its own. Do not spend the holidays with someone you're in a casual relationship with. This is for multiple reasons:

  1. It seems like a loud, clear sign that things have "moved to the next step." You don't invite someone to spend the holidays with you unless you're either pretty lonely (in which case, you're vulnerable to the relationship being moved forward), or you genuinely want to spend the holidays with them (in which case, it's safe to assume that moving the relationship forward IS your intention)

  2. It ties all manner of emotions to you in the mind and heart of your friend with benefits. She was feeling so lonely... and then you called! You're her savior! If you don't want her falling in love with you (and if you want things to stay comfortable and drama-free, you don't), you want to minimize the strong emotions she feels as much as possible. Spending time together during the holidays is a big no-no

  3. It elevates both of your importances to one another. The holidays are times to spend with loved ones, and those you're closest to - the subtext if you're spending that with one another is that you are among the most important people to one another

Does that mean that seeing your FWB even once during Christmas week violates the friends with benefits rules you've agreed to adhere to? YES! If it's genuinely part of the holidays, and she has off from school or work, and you do too, and most people do, it's technically part of the holiday... just don't go there. You can wait 7 days to see her again... and if you can't, well, maybe you ought to have her as a girlfriend and not a casual sex partner after all.

#7: Real Relationships Must Stay Off Limits

friends with benefits rulesOne of the greatest tragedies in dating and romance to me is when two people who are not good enough for one another as long-term relationship partners enter into a friends with benefits relationship, become complacent, stop going out and meeting new people, and eventually settle into a committed relationship because, well, that other person is a nice person, after all, and besides, it's too much WORK to find someone else!

You MUST not settle into relationships with your friends with benefits. That means you continue to meet new girls, continue to sleep with them, and keep your prospective partner pipeline full. Don't let sex on speed dial make you lazy.

It's worth noting that many subpar women snag men above their usual range by employing this (clever-yet-nefarious) strategy:

  1. Sleep with man

  2. Accept casual relationship with man

  3. Be nice and sweet and accommodating enough that man grows content

  4. Let enough time pass that all of man's other options fall away, and he quits cultivating new ones

  5. Allow the relationship to naturally segue from casual to committed, by gradually chipping away at man's boundaries (e.g., leave increasing amounts of stuff at his place; then eventually leave yourself there too, and cancel the lease on old apartment)

While this can be a comfortable way of ending up into a relationship, it always ends up being a relationship you're ambivalent about, because you know you can probably do better... but you're just a little too content to go do so.

It's the difference between being with a girl you've got great chemistry with, and a girl you just get along with well enough to not go out and start chasing down alternatives.

Sort of like taking jobs. A crappy job you won't stay at; and a dream job you'll be thrilled to stay at. But what's really a damning puddle of employment quicksand is the job that's just okay, but satisfies you just enough and pays you just enough that you don't feel like you really have to go looking for another job... after all, that's so hard, while staying here is so easy...

Don't fall into that trap. Use hard rules, and forbid yourself from entering serious relationships with casual partners... unless you want a life of mediocrity and "What if?"

#8: When She Wants to Go, Let Her Go

Just as we discussed in the "4 Stages" article, there comes a time in every casual relationship where the relationship must end. And, as noted in that article, there are precisely three responses you can have when a woman announces she "can't do this anymore" and "needs something with a future":

  1. Let her go calmly and peacefully, with understanding and without protest
  2. Struggle to hold onto her without giving in, to keep things what they were
  3. Capitulate to her need for a more committed relationship and give her one

The one we want here is #1: just let her go.

Struggling might keep her around a little while longer, but it only delays the inevitable.

Capitulating and giving her a committed relationship is in direct violation of our friends with benefits rule #7.

But letting her go calmly and peacefully? That one's interesting, because...

... much of the time when you let a friend with benefits leave peacefully, she comes back of her own accord later anyway!

How can this be so? Why does it work out that way?

A woman is always in need of a good lover; one whom she finds attractive, likes being around, and has powerful, orgasmic sex with. If that's you, and if you didn't sully her opinion of you with pleading, groveling, or fighting on the way out, when she tires of dating a boring nice guy who gives her security and commitment but can't make her cum like an asshole can, guess who she's going to get back in touch with?

That's right, her #1 stud - you.

It's pretty amazing how many women come back to spark things up with you again after they'd previously ended them to go find something "more serious." Well, that's that, then, you think, and let them go... only for them to come back half a year later with a big, sexy smile and none of those doubts and concerns they had back when they ended the arrangement with you. Now they're ready for another round with you, and it's right back to how it was before... back in the good stages.

So what do you do when she tells you she needs something more serious and can't do this anymore? You tell her:

  • You understand, and that's totally cool and fine
  • You wish her the best of luck; she deserves someone great
  • And in any event, she ought to stay in touch - your door is always open

Sometimes it might take her a while to circle back to you; sometimes it might be soon.

Either way, if you're doing what you're supposed to be doing and keeping your pipeline full, you're not going to worry about it too much at all - as she rotates out, someone else rotates in... and when she's ready to hop back on the bandwagon, well, great - you've always got a spot for one of your old favorites.

Obey Your Friends with Benefits Rules Devotedly

Don't get sidetracked.

Don't start thinking you're special or different and don't need the rules.

Don't assume that this girl you're hanging out with is looking out for you, or won't try to sneak her way into roping you down when that isn't what you wanted.

These rules are here for a reason - to help you navigate the trenches of friend with benefits territory. Relationships are tricky, and sleeping with new people is tricky - but an ongoing casual relationship can be one of the trickiest of all, and oftentimes because it seems so UN-tricky, so uncomplicated, and so straightforward.

If you stick to the rules though, it will be those things - easy as pie.

And then you and your casual partner(s) can enjoy each other, have a great time, and not have to worry about things going crazy or blowing up in anybody's faces - after all, those benefits you get with that cute new friend of yours are supposed to be carefree and fun!

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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ozzo's picture

Hey Chase,

Nice article, great as always. I have a couple of questions for you, and it's a specific situation with a girl though relevant to the content of this article.

I have a girl with whom I was in a 5 month long FWB with two summers ago and we had a good sex life, and I tried to get in touch with her again out of the blue, using the "deleting your phone number" strategy from the boards. Lo and behold, she responded, and just last night we went out on a date of sorts...had hookah and hot dogs and caught up on things.

It's been a while and I had no idea where she lives now, and I live an hour out of my city at the moment, so I proposed we met in downtown (which turned out to be an hour away from her place also in a different direction). Her vibe was very flirty, bubbly, and very much akin to talking about a whole lot of things, especially work. At the same time, she seemed really stressed out about work and had a LOT of things going on, and doesn't want to be distracted. I ran the date reasonably well, she expressed good vibes with me...leaning into the table 75% of the time, keeping conversations going, kicking me and punching me a few times, and hanging out close. I touched her legs a bunch of times around the knees and she didn't mind it at all. By the end of the night our vibe was much less, partly because we were both tired and I'm not sure how much else there was to catch up on, really.

She also asked about my personal life over the last year and a half (through which I've mostly been in a relationship) and I asked about hers (she's not a commitment type, but has had a few FWBs that all lasted a few months). She seemed very, very curious about my time with my ex-gf, and I only hinted at a few things about her, mainly that she was like XX and it was a good experience in XX ways. A couple of times she also subtly remarked on our own time in bed together, comments like "yeah...you were probably really dominant in bed with your ex," and "remember that time you were on top of me and you said/did..."

She didn't want to go home with me last night, to her place. I proposed three times at different instances (using a yes ladder to deduce she was having a good time with me) that we go back and watch tv for bit or just hang out, and that I'm going out of town in the morning and can't stay. I also persisted with my requests, ramping up the second half hour later to "but if you're so stressed out right now, I can help you relax for a bit..." and the third fifteen minutes later to "remember what we had last summer? do you want to have that again? What say you we do that?"

Her rough responses:
- She has a lot going on and doesn't have the time to have fun or relax right now, at least until something in work next week is over.
- In response to watching a show, she said "how about you watch some of the show and then we can watch it maybe next time?"
- She said "maybe next time, but not this time..."
- She lives with her brother as a roommate and seems hesitant to bring a guy back to her place.

At the very end, there was a bunch of mis-communication and the overall energy between us felt low. We both walked to the subway, and on the way I asked her about what we had and if she'd like to do it again (yes, I asked again, not smooth). When clarifying, she said that she liked what we had and always thought of us as friends (even though we were also fucking on the side). She also apologized for cutting me off coldly at the end of that FWB, as she felt it was getting kind of serious then and she doesn't like commitment. At the very end, when we hugged goodbye, I attempted to kiss her, and she dodged it twice and then said "chill out man..." as she walked away, and I left immediately after. I texted her two hours later "not my smoothest moment, good luck through next week," and she replied with "thanks, was great to see you! =D."

I realize I did a number of things wrong last night...by not setting up the right frames and buying into hers, by not pulling at a high point, and screwing up the end (basically laying out my cards with restarting a FWB) and seeming desperate and un-sexy when I attempted to kiss her. I still want to open this up again as a FWB, if it's salvageable.

Did I shoot myself in the foot and will this prevent me from getting back with her, by buying into her friends frame last night?
How do I sleep with her again?
Is she still a viable option?

Basically, I'd like to know your opinion on how you think I should handle this.

I was thinking of texting her later in the next week (seven days from now) to see how her schedule is over the weekend, and if she'd be down to hang out at my place or hers. I think she'd be hesitant to come to me since it's so far, so I'm more concerned with how to get her in bed at her place, if this is still possible. What do you think?

Thank you!

jack's picture

How old is this girl?

I think your biggest mistake was the terrible logistics. An hour out of the way in each direction. You weren't making things easy for her. All the other stuff didn't help either. You got needy and may have shot yourself in the foot as a result. Good luck though.

Chase Amante's picture


Like Jack notes, logistics don't help, and the neediness makes a big mess. In this kind of situation, you want to just hang back, play it very cool, and let her chase if she wants it. You're not going to convince her to hop back into bed by chasing yourself.

My gut is contacting her a week later is too soon. I'd put it on ice for 2 weeks and let her wonder what happened to the needy version of Ozzo who seemed so desperate to see her after a week. Follow-up's challenging because you already chased hard to see her and acted needy and clingy when she specifically noted she broke things off because of that before.

Rather than try and get her on another date, which is all wrong for this kind of a relationship and history, I might suggest having her join you on some kind of a fun outing with the potential for sex - outdoors is perfect if you're somewhere warm right now, but if you're snowed in or it's cold, you probably can't do a camping trip / night at the beach. You're not going to get to her place, and you live 2 hours away from her, so that makes things really difficult too.

I think my top recommendation here would really just be "find a friend with benefits who lives closer to you." Probably not what you want to hear, since it's clear you like the girl a lot, but this one's problematic for a lot of reasons, and you're really better off finding someone new. I was going to suggest inviting her to a party, but she's pretty cool on you already, which means there's a good chance you end up watching jealously as she pairs off with someone new, so that one's not such a good idea on second thought. I'd move on - you can always circle back later and check in with her a month or two down the road.


Knight's picture

Came at the right time. A real kick in the head about how lazy I got this week. Ditching the couple shit pronto.

Chase Amante's picture

Good to hear it, Knight. No good to do with a casual partner!


Anonymous's picture

I can see these as rules for keeping casual relationships casual, which I totally understand is what most guys want. Still, I think it's a little much to say that they're mandatory.

What I mean is that I personally don't mind a more involved relationship forming, because any woman I'm sleeping with on a FWB basis is going to understand up front that I don't do exclusivity. The minute she wants to equate a little romance with not seeing others is the minute I'd leave her.

Again, I'm not really railing against the article. It's probably just fine for someone that sees involvement/romance/love => exclusivity/cohabitation/marriage. I'm just saying it might not be mandatory, or applicable to everyone.

jack's picture

If your experienced then you can bend any of the rules in pick-up/ seduction/ game, etc. But these rules are damn good and well worth following for beginner/intermediate guys. It took the community a decade to figure out this shit. Chase has summarized it all nicely.

JoshBayliss's picture

Hey Chase,

Just quickly, I'd like to say that this blog and your book are EXCELLENT! They've completely changed the way I look at not only women, but all social interactions. I now feel like I'm in control, and I have you to thank for that.

On to my question, and yes, it is very unrelated to this post. I just wanted to comment in the newest one to ensure a response.

What is your opinion on hats? When I go out I tend to wear a baseball cap (backwards usually) or beanie at all times. This is because I am 20 years old and I am already going bald. I know my thin hair is unattractive, especially at my age, so I just cover it up. As well, when you recommend getting an interesting/stylish haircut, it obviously doesn't really apply to me. Of course, if I was older, I'd pull a Jason Statham and embrace it, but I don't think that's an option yet. What would you do if you were in this position? And, if hats are fine, what kinds do you think work best?


Chase Amante's picture


I used to wear an Indiana Jones-style fedora from the late '90s through the mid-2000s. Fedoras became a fad in the late 2000s, and shaming people wearing them also became a fad, so I left off wearing them when it suddenly became something everyone else was doing... it stops being cool when it stops being rare.

Baseball caps and beanies I personally find too scrubby / not classy looking... I haven't seen anyone I'd consider good with women wearing them in real life (aside from some Hollywood stars, who could get women if they were dressed up in gorilla suits)... if I had to pick a hat to wear now, I'd go with a poor boy hat or a flat cap. These look pretty stylish, and they're not overly fad-ish right now.

The other route you can go is just shaving it all off - I've seen some studies of women's preferences where women generally state the impression that bald men are better lovers and have higher testosterone levels. With the right (good) fashion to offset it, you can make the bald image look quite powerful. Just think of "bald = tough", so make sure to offset it with clothes that make you look refined, rather than brutish.


Experienced Cueball's picture

Just own it and shave it off. I started thinning early and shaving early. It's only a matter of time anyway, so best to just embrace it and learn to be confident about it. You can eventually use it in a self-deprecating way for humor in certain situations.

You might lose out on some chicks who must have a thick head of hair to play with, but good game and style will generally overcome this. Especially if you're in shape.

Early 20's you can pull off a ball cap if you're in a more casual setting and its clean and the rest of your style is on point.

Other caps are good conversation starters too though, so find some that fit your style.

Ditch the beanies.

Also, it has been my experience that some chicks really dig bald guys. I've had more than a few random women ask me if they can rub it. Talk about a direct open!

M's picture

This is gold.

I have been reading your articles and e-book 'How to make girls chase' and I just want to say a big 'Thank You' to you, Chase.

God bless.

abc's picture

what articles on this site would you advise me to view to help
me become a James Bond type of guy?

Troy's picture

Hey Chase,

This is a little of target from this article but quick question.

1) Ive been having problems with turning conversations to sounding normal. Its almost like an interview where i ask all the questions then people answer. how do i have a non-interview conversation?

In terms of questions (deep diving) vs statements (me talking), what is the right amount of questions to ask and statements to give in relation to how much the girl is asking questions or giving statements?

Also, i asked about an article on "Body Language to Avoid" in a previous comment and you stated that you put it on the article queue.

im not being pushy/demanding but just wondering if that article is in the works. You have a lot to do so im not rushing you, just asking. Thanks!


Chase Amante's picture


I've never sat down to come up with an exact number for how many questions to ask before you switch to statements, but it's somewhere around 4 or 5 or so - if it's just question, answer, question, answer, question, answer, it's too much; you've got to break it up with cold reads and statements about yourself. Read through "The Conversationalist and the "conversation example article - it's all there.

I do have the bad body language topic noted down; it's #393 on my list; looking right at it. I can't give you an exact date for when that'll go up, because the nature of writing is that I'll write on whatever I feel inspired to write on, otherwise it's a drag, and the same with the other authors (sometimes they work off the list as well). So, it'll go up at some point - just when that might be, I cannot say!


Mischief's picture

Hi Chase-

Thank you for your comments and advice on my post in the forums! This article could not have been more perfectly timed for my current situation. I am happy to update that I did take the girl down my hall to bed another two times, with the third being the loudest she has ever been with me. =) She mentioned that no guy has ever taken care of her that quickly before (orgasm in under ten minutes), yet ironically I have yet to orgasm with her because she gets worn out after just one... I have always held back in hopes I could get more out of her (like your 2006 girl in Europe— my dream goal), but then she has to stop. This has lead her to feeling like she is bad in bed, and I have a hard time assuring her that that is not the case. I try to play it as the perfect reason to have more sex soon down the road. She says the situation we have is backward from her typical experience with guys, which I have to say actually makes me feel quite proud after all. I almost cannot believe I achieved this in just two months after getting serious with GC training... and two weeks after handing in the dreaded V card at that.

We have communicated significantly less since our third time sleeping together (now about ten days ago) than we did beforehand, but we just randomly ran into each other last night, and she was particularly warm and excited to see me. She even asked if I was busy, but as it stood I was in a hurry. Now that I appear to be firmly in a casual FWB-style relationship, do I still apply the same chase-frame mentality as in a seduction? She has not asked to meet up in the last ten days, and I also do not want to make any gesture that would appear "coupley". Do I just let her make the next move to get us together again and let it rest otherwise...?

Best always,
-MP (formerly ViolinPlayer)

Well… one does what one can.

Chase Amante's picture


Great to hear on the girl - you're doing well. Unless she's a really spunky, take-charge kind of girl, she's not going to invite herself over or ask you to come over, especially not early on into the relationship. "Are you busy right now" is usually the closest you'll get, and because you said you were (which is fine), you've discouraged this behavior... it's now even more on you to invite if you want it to happen.

So, don't want for her to chase - she already tried! (and it didn't work out) It's up to you to invite her over if you want another round.


Anonymous's picture

So a friend and I are competing for this girl. We are going about it very civilized and adultlike. Anyway, I was meant to have a date with her this friday and he was meant to have a date with her next monday. I have better skills with women than my friend, but I just realized that I have a flight to another state that evening and i'm getting back monday night. I am going to have to reschedule to next friday, because she leaves the country on the 26. I was wondering what I should text her to reschedule without sounding desperate? Also, will it hurt my chances if he's already met with her. He plans on hooking up with her, but I don't think she'll let him. I have no idea though. Any advice?

Anonymous's picture

I just stumbled across your blog and I must say they are great rules to follow by however my fwb has broken some of those rules. Yes I am a woman. About a year and a half ago I met this great guy and we decided to just stay fwb. After about 4 months of it I cut it off and walked away because I was starting to have feelings and I know that's a big no no. So I had a brief relationship with someone and needless to say he just didn't satisfy me so we ended things. Well it's been just over a yr since I've seen my fwb and I contacted him yesterday to see if he was still single and he said yes and said it was his bday and had some friends over and that I should come over. At that point I should have said no but I didn't and I went. Up until then I never met any of his friends. It was strictly fwb. Anyhow, when I got there he kissed me and told me he missed me and it was good to see me. Then when introducing me to his friends he jokingly told everyone I was his wife. That really caught me off guard since at this point all I want from him is sex. He proceeded to ask me all the bonding questions like how have I been how's work and what's new stuff. Not to mention it's 4th of July weekend and watched fireworks from his deck and had his arm around me. After his friends left and we did the deed I was going to leave but asked me to stay and rubbed my back till I fell asleep. I got up early and left and he kissed me before I left. I txt him to let him know I made it home and thanked him for the fun and he replied with he had fun too and he had missed it. I'm not sure what his intentions are now. Now that I strictly only want fwb could he possibly want more? Only reason I went back to him was we have great sexual chemistry he is incredible in bed and now no one can satisfy me like he can.

jhs198's picture

Hey Chase,

Been a lurker on GC for a while -- am 20 years old ('bout to turn the good old 21, so I'm about 10 years younger than you) and I'm currently a college student. Definitely am looking forward to purchasing your books later down the road, after I have enough money saved up. Moreover, I recommend this website above all the other ones -- for a whole host of reasons, most of which I'm aware you're aware of.


Firstly, as a big proponent of Stoicism, I'm all-for seeing how the world as it *is* rather than how it *should* be -- which includes my *own* nature as a human being and as a man, as well. Which is why I appreciate a number of articles on GC but /particularly/ yours.

I'm having my first "real" FWB soon (picked her up online, with a bit of your help ;) and this girl seems like the "Shy, Excited" type you wrote about -- and she's also confided (told?) me she's had 5 sexual partners, the majority of whom have been FWB-type relationships. Like you, as well, I'm a very empathetic person -- almost too much, at times.

At this point, I'm not emotionally attached -- and she's definitely the one chasing -- but I'm wondering: *rationally*, I'm aware that this girl, by all means, should have a non-exclusive relationship with me (and obviously, me with her). However, *emotionally*, it seems as though since this is my first /real/ FWB sorta-deal, I feel a bit... dissapointed? Wrong? When I know that a woman is going to be non-exclusive with me.

Not to toot my own horn (trying to be objective):
- I'm (and so is she) Korean-American, so I (and she) come from very traditionalist backgrounds
- 6' tall, which is decent height for an East Asian man
- pumped my value sky-high -- I try to be as objective as possible when filtering advice; I've yet to see advice (in any sphere, not just pickup) as corroborated as yours; attainbility has been consciously corrected for, as well (;
- etc, etc

So I ask: is this an ephemeral, emotional hump that most men have when having their first FWB? Or is it something more fundamental and deeper than that?

Thanks for all your work.


sweetsandy's picture

I'm a female who recently began a FWB situation with a guy. I chose a FWB due to my time constraints and the fact that I don't want to bring unnecessary drama in someone else's life, as I have a lot of it. We have been uninvolved about anything other than the basics, like where we work, our ages, etc., up until recently. There just never has been time to chat much other than to just keep each other incredibly horny all day in text and phone calls... and then hooking up as soon as possible.
We've hooked up several times now. We just met a couple of weeks ago and have hooked up 10 times already. We have marathon sex sessions... usually all nighters. He's told me I can stay the night if I want several times, but I've never taken him up on it... I usually duck out around 3am or so after a quick nap. He has told me that he is addicted to sex with me... and I'm the best he's ever had. I admit it, it is pretty fucking amazing.
4 nights ago, we finally found out each others' last names. 2 nights ago, he says... "I realized today I don't know anything about you". So we actually had a conversation, playing 20 questions... just to see if we could make it thru more than one drink without attacking each other. We talked about our favorite things... music, movies, sports, etc.... and found we share the same interests. Like scary same. Then we started making out, ending up in the bedroom where we devoured each other. After round two, he suddenly starts sharing important things about his life to me... I'm talking major events that most would find to be deal-breakers. I told him I appreciated him opening up to me and that I still was his buddy. Then he proceeded to make slow, passionate love to me... not our norm... we've always been fairly rough with each other and literally try to fuck each other until the other taps out.
Does this mean that he is trying to start a relationship with me? I do like him, think he's hot as fuck and everything but not sure that I would be open to a relationship. He is 10 yrs younger than me. I have a graduate degree and a very successful career, own my own home, two cars and have a child. He has an apartment, did not go to college and works at a car wash. I know that is all superficial in the long run, but I can't help but think about it.
Advice please?

Anonymous's picture

I don't agree...
I'm a girl... When I have FWB, I don't really think about falling in love with them. Even if we go out with friends, go to dinner, if we go to his place, etc. That doesn't really bother me, because we're friends. And we can be friends and go out as friends. And only change that in the bedroom or when we're alone ;)
My actual FWB also kisses me in front of his best friend, when we're at home. But it's cool for me, because it's really hard to make me fall in love with someone.

Anonymous's picture

I have been in a friends with benefits situation for about six months. He calls just talk sporadically and he has never gone a day without texting me. We spent our separate birthdays together and exchanged gifts. It's so weird. He hasn't spoke of commitment but neither have I and he hasn't invited me to his place and I have bought it up. I come to his job sometimes and there are time that we don't have sex. I disappear sometimes amd he just keeps calling. I don't know what this is. I'm so confused and now I kind of like him.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Seeing as you have a lot of knowledge regarding this area, I thought I would ask what you would do in my situation, but please bare with me as I might chatter on.

The FWB I had until recently started 5 years ago. It started out as a casual fling but I soon learnt that she really liked me and wanted more but because I had been hurt and deceived in the past, I had built up a wall to my feelings and emotions. We carried on as a FWB situation for about a year and then we started getting more serious. When I mean serious, I mean travelling the country and going places we both hadn't been before and also going on holiday together. I had spent time at her families house for Christmas and we always got each other something for Valentines day.

Then after 2 years, she almost died. It was then I realised I had feelings for her and wanted more than just FWB. She told me that she wanted to try being just friends first and see where it would go from there. That did hit my quite hard as I knew how she felt about me at the beginning but she said she got over me. Yet the FWB situation didn't stop until recently as 2 months ago. She told me that she wants to be in a relationship and that we should just be friends, she said that 3 months ago but all FWB stopped only 2 months ago. I went away for a weekend with some friends and she changed over the weekend. My initial thoughts was that she had met someone, even though we did sleep together after that weekend away.

She has said that no matter what, she always wants me in her life as her friend as we have been through so much together (more than most real friends do to be honest). I said that I can try and be a friend but at this moment I would need to take a step back and lose my feelings for her so that I wouldn't interfere with her moving on (if she really wants to)

With how much has gone on between us and everything we did together, do you think she has run away from the situation (she has a habit of running away from problems in her life) or that she generally wants to be with someone else? The full story would take an age to write but I've tried to be as informative as possible

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