The 5 Ways to Answer a Challenge in Social Situations

In Sunday's article on how to be smooth, Walls made the following comment:

“I truly appreciate all the work you do breaking this down, Chase. It would be so easy to just own this info you learned from years of trial and error and just monopolize it. I was thinking about smoothness in conflict due to this life-changing post and it got me thinking: when do you let comments/threats/faux paus/annoyances roll down your back, and when do you actually put opposers in their place? And what is the best way to ignore when people make fauxpas, such as the ones in your article "Faux Pas of the Social Neveaux." (maybe more faux pas listed too?)”

He's talking about two things here, but the two are in many ways one and the same:

1. When someone is standing in opposition to you, accusing you, or insulting you

2. When someone is making social mistakes around you and creating awkward or disadvantageous situations for you

That is, in other words, when someone is making things challenging for you. And he is asking the question "How do you answer a challenge?"

It's a good question, because it has an answer that can go a variety of ways. Do you remain unreactive to it - and potentially let the challenge eat your chances alive? Or do you challenge your challenger back, and potentially lose your cool - and the girl you were most interested in?

This is a question without a readily apparent simple answer... and sometimes those are the questions we like most on this site. How do you answer a challenge, anyway?

Before we can look at how best to respond to challenges, we need to have a handle on why people even bother to challenge other people in the first place. From a purely logical perspective, this would seem like an utter waste of time, wouldn't it?

Imagine:

• Two drunk, belligerent males fighting each other in a nightclub because both are sexually frustrated and have begun fighting over territory or mates (e.g., one guy's dancing with a girl, another guy cuts in, and now they're beating each other's faces in)

• A girl making catty, sniping remarks about another girl's hair, clothes, or body, seemingly out of the blue

• A "nice guy" who's just friends with a girl stepping into your interaction to try and interrupt you, or a girlfriend of the girl you're talking to stepping in to "cock block" you and pull her friend away

• A girl you've just met, telling you she only dates tall guys, or muscular guys, or guys with tattoos, or guys older than a certain age or younger than a certain age, or something else that you clearly are not
  

Or even imagine something outside the mating / dating arena:

• A teammate you're on a school project with fighting to have control of the project, cut you out, and call all the shots herself, rejecting your ideas whenever you voice them, even though the rest of the group likes your ideas better

• A colleague on a project with you where you're doing most of the work who constantly races to tell the boss what "both of you" (mainly, YOU) have done, and to act like the point man who's making all the decisions and doing all the work

• A friend who keeps telling you you're pretty good, but you'll never be anything without his help - I mean, just look at how little you've accomplished on your own!
  

If you're not the type who spends much time challenging others, this behavior can be mystifying.

I mean, why do people even feel the need? Why not, you know, just... do their own things?

I've thought about this some, and the more I think about it, the more I come to believe it's really tied to one thing at the root:

Status and respect.

• What does the winner of the drunk belligerent guy fight think he'll win? Status and respect.

• What does the girl making catty marks taking the other girl down a peg or two think she'll win? Status and respect.

• What does the nice guy interrupting you to "save" a girl from you think he'll achieve with this girl? Status and respect.

• What does the girl pulling her friend away from you think she'll get from intervening? Status and respect.

• What does the teammate monopolizing the decision-making and idea-generating think she'll be rewarded with? Status and respect.

• What does the colleague taking credit for your work and positioning himself as the point man hope to receive? Status and respect.

• What does the friend working to convince you you need him and should rely on him desire from you? Status and respect.

It's all about status and respect.

Most of them don't think about it when they're doing this. The guys fighting are thinking, "I can't let this guy just DO this to me! He must receive a BEATING!"

The girl being catty is thinking, "Oh my GOD what a horrid, wretched creature she is... she NEEDS to be called out on it!"

The nice guy saving a girl is thinking, "Oh my goodness, my princess is in danger of being seduced by that undoubtedly wicked man! I must ride to her rescue - come, white horse! Away with us! To her rescue!"

They want to be thought highly of, and for others to praise them and see them in a stronger light. They want to be thought of as superior... and others as inferior.

The Strange Game of Status

Social status is an odd game.

I first fleshed out my thoughts on this in an old post called "Ultimate Social Calibration: Stop Climbing the Social Ladder," which was aimed squarely at the increasing focus that people around me, especially those in the pickup community, were seeming to put on social status, and getting it by tearing others down and climbing to the top of the heap.

But this isn't just a pickup thing. Most of the people you'll run into who are trying to pull the rug out from underneath you to elevate themselves have no idea what they're trying to do... instead, they just feel emotions of anger and outrage that you could POSSIBLY be so "disrespectful" toward them (by doing whatever it is you're doing, even if it isn't remotely directed at THEM), and feel strongly that they need to "put you in your place."

But there's more to it.

I started noticing that the classier people were, the less their maneuvering was done in the form of direct, emotional confrontation, and the more it was done with subtlety and intrigue. The lower down on the status rung someone moved, the more direct, blunt, and often violent the posturing and maneuvering became.

A 2009 study entitled "Low-Status Compensation: A Theory for Understanding the Role of Status in Cultures of Honor" shines the light of research on this, finding, in part:

“Study 4 provides experimental evidence that low-status tendencies toward aggressing in the face of insults may be due to strategies to protect their sense of social worth.”

Another study, again on the differences between status and reactions, entitled "Turning social identity threat into challenge: Status stability and cardiovascular reactivity during inter-group competition," had this to say (also published in 2009):

“The current research examined the occurrence of threat and challenge in low and high status groups resulting from the stability of inter-group status differences during an inter-group competition. It was hypothesized that members of low status groups are relatively threatened when status differences are stable, but that this threat turns into a challenge when status differences become unstable. By contrast, unstable status relations were predicted to lead to threat in members of high status groups. Participants (N = 40) were categorized in minimal groups. Inter-group status differences, and the stability of these differences, were manipulated by providing feedback on three group tasks. During these tasks cardiovascular threat and challenge responses were measured following the biopsychosocial model [BPS; Blascovich, J., & Tomaka, J. (1996). The biopsychosocial model of arousal regulation. In M. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology (Vol. 28, pp. 1–51). New York: Academic Press]. Results were in line with expectations and are discussed in terms of the BPS model and social identity theory.”

Essentially saying, the findings were that low status individuals feel threatened when unable to climb the ladder, and emboldened when they can, while high status individuals feel threatened when status is made far more amorphous and unstable. In other words, those on the bottom want to be able to climb to the top, while those at the top want things to remain exactly as they are.

So now we begin to understand social status a bit better:

• Those of low social status are prone to lash out and become aggressive in the face of insults and challenges

• Those of low status feel insecure when unable to improve their social positions, and energized when able to challenge those of higher social position

• Those of high social position feel more comfortable when their positions are relatively unassailable, and feel much more uneasy when having to fend off competitors seeking to one-up them and take their places as kings of the hill

So, low status individuals prefer to be able to challenge higher status individuals and take their place. Meanwhile, higher status individuals prefer to avoid these challenges. Why?

To understand this better, you need only ask yourself what each individual has to gain or lose:

1. What does the low status individual have to gain and lose by creating or confronting challenges? Often, much - because his status and respect is so low, answering a challenge combatively gives him the most upside (possible victory and a rise in status and respect) with relatively little downside (since he has so little to lose).

2. What does the high status individual have to gain and lose by creating or confronting challenges? Often, little - because his status and respect is already high, answering a challenge combatively gives him little upside (essentially, merely maintaining what status he already has if he wins) with high downside (losing status if he loses).

Further - and I haven't seen any research on this, but there's plenty of anecdotal support everywhere you look - the relative status of the opponents involved in a challenge influences the degree of status gain or status loss each faces.

For instance, one statesman out debates another statesman, and people hardly notice. They talk about it, sure, but it doesn't normally have much effect on status. Status change a bit, but not much (unless one statesman makes a giant flub). On the other hand, Dan Quayle, the 1992 U.S. Republican Party vice presidential candidate, gets out-spelled by a primary school student, and becomes a laughingstock of politics. Why? Because the school student was so low in status compared to him, that the status hit for Quayle was tremendous.

High Status Individuals: In Short Supply

There's another thing worth noting on this too, and it's this: there are far more low status individuals than there are high status individuals.

Because of the way status works, you can't possibly have too many high status individuals - as soon as you do, "high" status becomes "normal" status, and a higher high is needed.

For that reason, potential challengers for any one high status person can be almost limitless - an almost limitless supply of people with little to lose and everything to gain by showing that they can challenge and beat this higher status individual - quickly becoming impractical to deal with.

That is to say,

• If you're a low status person, you're rarely challenged by others, and can challenge as many people as you want because you have little to lose, a lot to gain, and plenty of time to do it in. The fact that you're low status also means you likely have less going on in your life, and more idle time to issue challenges during.

• If you're high in status, the opposite is true: you're frequently challenged by others, have more challengers than you have time to deal with, and can frequently have your entire life taken over by dealing with challengers if you let it be.

For the high status individual who answers every challenge that comes his way, he can quickly be overwhelmed with challengers and have zero time remaining for work, play, friends, family, lovers, learning, or anything other than dealing with challengers who'd like to unseat him from his throne. A high status individual who accepts all challenges must give up everything else to do so.

In that light, it's obvious impractical for you to go around personally addressing every challenge as you grow in status. You just can't; it isn't economical, it isn't sensible, and it's not a good use of your time when you probably have a number of more productive things you can be doing with it (e.g., building a business to make money, taking new women as lovers, spending time discussing and debating with friends and other individuals of approximate status to yours, etc.).

So, assuming you're a higher status individual (which you will be by using the material on this site and by following guides like the Law of Least Effort and that on sprezzatura), and assuming you have better things to do with your time than drop that cute new girl you're talking to or set aside your work or projects or assignments in order to spend time dealing with opponents... how do you answer a challenge properly and efficiently?

When I was younger, getting challenged really used to bother the heck out of me. I was known as the "Comeback King" in middle school because I got so good at eviscerating any kid who tried to insult me or tear me down. I joined the debate team and took the county title as an amateur; and I was the bane of any high school teacher who didn't have his facts and arguments bolted down to a "T" before he started making them in front of the class. And that was mostly because I used to see everything as a challenge.

I've since learned a very important lesson, however: it's only a challenge if you think it's a challenge.

When I first started going to nightclubs in university, I'd have guys challenge me a lot if they wanted a girl I was talking to (or if they happened to be her boyfriend but she was spending time fawning on me anyway). It took me a little exposure to it to figure it out, but once I did, a guy coming up and asking to have some of my drink, or trying to interrupt me, or trying to be rude to me in front of a girl stopped being a challenge and became very easy to brush off.

Girls "challenging" me took a little longer to get totally used to, but eventually I stopped regarding "tests" as "tests," and rather more as "flirting," which is what it is. These days, I have a little trouble wrapping my mind around the bitterness of guys complaining about how unfair it is that women test men; it's just flirting! It's not their fault you aren't any GOOD at it...

One of the most important mindsets to help you best answer a challenge is to understand that most of what you see as a challenge NOW likely won't be much of a challenge once you get it handled.

Kind of like how addition and subtraction seemed like beastly hurdles to overcome when you were seven years old, but you don't exactly consider them "challenging" today... instead, they're just addition and subtraction.

In any event though, let's get you answering challenges... so that they stop being challenges.

Answer a Challenge Like a Pro: The 5 Options

The first order of business is to stop thinking of challenges as "threats," and start thinking of them the way you would if your 8-year old nephew Timmy was telling you he's going to kick your butt if you don't stop calling him "Tiny Tim." You'd laugh, and tell him, "Okay, sorry, I'll lay off," and go back to whatever you were doing. You wouldn't sweat an ounce or have your blood pressure go up one iota over it.

Most "challenges" are best handled in this way. Why? Well, because, as we discussed in "Dealing with Disruptive Men," anyone who challenges you is having to put himself out there - which means he ends up looking like a fool if you swat him down or otherwise deny him the reaction or result he was angling for.

Need an example of that? No problem - I've got five for you.

Here they are: your five ways to answer a challenge.

#1: Ignore It

This one's the ideal. It requires the least amount of energy expenditures on your part, and often is more effective at shooing away would-be challengers than almost anything else.

Ever try and make a joke to a group of people in a crowded situation where nobody heard you? You probably just dropped the joke and pretended you never tried making it, right? Same deal with most people trying to challenge you - if they feel like you didn't really hear them or weren't paying attention, their options are pretty limited:

1. Repeat themselves (which tools themselves... too much extra effort; they should've done it right the first time)

2. Keep talking (assume that you heard them and continue talking until they get a reaction out of you)

3. Pretend they didn't say anything and get back to minding their own business

That's it, those are the options. And usually, 96% of the time, they'll pick Option 1 or Option 3. It's rare for someone to have both the social savvy to be able to put the pressure on someone to respond by continuing talk despite being unheard or ignored AND to lack to social status savvy to have quit trying to tool people for status gains long ago. Usually, the people savvy enough to talk over others until they're heard are also savvy enough not to bother trying to tool others for little gain.

Here are two examples of ignoring challenges and how they'd each go down:

(another male challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Some Guy: [trying to enter the conversation] Hey man, I really dig that shirt...

You: [to girl, talking over guy; pretending you didn't hear him] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

Now, there are probably a fair number of guys reading this probably who instinctively feel to themselves, "Oh no, that's so mean! This guy's being really nice and complimenting me... I can't just ignore him, he'll feel bad!" That's your sense of empathy kicking in, and it was a problem for me at first too. How can you just ignore a guy who's being cool and nice to you?

The fact IS though, either this guy is totally socially oblivious... he hasn't detected that you're talking to a GIRL and need to be left alone with her - or he knows what the deal is, is trying to interrupt you, and isn't being nice at ALL.

In either case, yes - he needs to be ignored here. Because really, your options are:

1. Ignore this guy, keep moving things forward with your girl, and you're happy, and she's happy, and this guy slinks off feeling like he just tooled himself and made a big faux pas, OR

2. Break circle, engage this guy, kill momentum with your girl or have her leave entirely, and immediately show deference to him by allowing him to interrupt you and dictate whom you'll be talking to rather than you decide whom you want to talk to.

I think you know which one's the preferred option: ignore the guy, and just talk over him.

Here's the second example:

(the girl you're talking to challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Girl: Well, ONE of us has to follow our dreams!

You: [pretending you didn't hear her] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

In this instance, she's issuing a kind of random challenge that you're not really sure where it came from. It felt a little awkward, off-the-cuff, and you could either sit there and try and figure out what she meant, or you could defend yourself ("What do you mean? I AM following my dreams!"), or you could just ignore it as a faux pas and keep the conversation rolling right along without stopping to answer the challenge.

When it's small, or awkward, or out of left field like this one is, much of the time you can simply ignore it. She'll feel a little embarrassed when she realizes it didn't go well; she'll feel grateful that you seemingly didn't notice; and then she'll resolve not to do it again, and will be on much better behavior (trying to invest more and please you more).

#2: Dismiss It

You can use dismissal to answer a challenge in situations similar to what you'd use ignoring in, but where the challenger is a bit more obvious, louder, or in-your-face.

By "dismissing," I don't mean being rudely dismissive; rather, what I mean is you brushing something off as if it's a non-issue.

The rules for a proper dismissal are:

• Keep it short (the fewer words, the better; ALWAYS one sentence maximum)
• Don't make eye contact (no encourage the person to pile on or say more)
  
• Don't ask questions (statements only; you want to end this, not open it up)
• Keep your tone very bored and unengaged

Essentially, you want to convey complete lack of engagement with whatever is being thrown at you.

Here are the examples from above again, but using dismissal rather than ignoring (imagine that the challenger is louder / pressing harder / more in your personal space as you're challenged, though not overwhelmingly so):

(another male challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Some Guy: [trying to enter the conversation] Hey man, I really dig that shirt...

You: [to guy, without looking] ... thanks man. [to girl, talking over guy; pretending you didn't hear him] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

By addressing the guy and then launching back into your conversation with the girl, he is firmly out of the loop. He feels like the unwelcome third party, and the social pressure on him is very large; at this point, 99.5% of the time, he's just going to pack up and leave.

And the example with the girl herself:

(the girl you're talking to challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Girl: Well, ONE of us has to follow our dreams!

You: Yeah, for sure. So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

By brushing her comment off like this, you communicate that you're not even bothering to think about what she said, because it's so unimportant. She'll feel awkward about having her "big challenge" dismissed so easily without you missing a beat, and normally is going to start working hard to try to be more respectful and say fewer challenging things.

(for the record, when girls make awkward challenges like this, most of the time they're just trying to be funny; but, you don't want to encourage "tear each other down" humor, as it's far more conducive to the friend zone than it is to the two of you getting intimate later)

#3: Question It

Questioning a challenge should be your default, go-to response for any challenge that you don't understand, that knocks you off balance, or that you initially reacted to and now need to regain your footing on.

You can also use it when someone is REALLY in your face and you CAN'T just ignore or dismiss him.

What questioning a challenge does is that it pushes the challenge back on the challenger, forcing him or her to spin mental wheels and re-communicate the message, doing more work, breaking momentum, and sucking the wind out of his or her sails.

In addition, it gives you a moment to catch your bearings, and puts you back in the advantage.

Here are our examples from above, now with questioning used as our tactic of choice:

(another male challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Some Guy: [trying to enter the conversation] Hey man, I really dig that shirt...

You: [to guy, looking quizzically at him this time] What do you mean?

Some Guy: Uh, I mean your shirt's pretty cool.

You: Oh. Thanks [small, fake smile; Jude Law's good at this if you need a model - watch him in A.I.: Artificial Intelligence]. [turning back to girl and continuing conversation] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

The primary emotion the guy leaves with here is, "What just happened?" He's confused - it didn't go anywhere like he imagined it would in his head - and he's really not sure how he lost control. In any event, he won't try it again.

Here's the girl, with questioning:

(the girl you're talking to challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Girl: Well, ONE of us has to follow our dreams!

You: Come again?

Girl: I mean, you said you want to travel but you're still here.

You: Oh, right. Well... that'll change soon enough. [strong eye contact, sexy, mysterious smile] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

Here, you're simply asking her to clarify her meaning, and then quickly address her challenge by telling her she's wrong, in a few short words.

Note: you do not go overboard trying to explain yourself here. You never want to explain directly after a challenge - instead, tell her she's wrong or things are about to change or she'll see soon enough why that's not true, then resume the normal conversation.

She'll circle back around and ask you to explain your statement, at which time you can without seeming like you're trying to qualify yourself.

#4: Reject It

I use the word "reject" here, which is a strong word, but you'll want your rejection to be kind but firm, to avoid stirring up too many emotions in the rejectee (while still being solid enough to discourage any future challenges).

To answer a challenge by rejecting it, imagine telling a girl she's beautiful, and her responding with: "No, I'm really not; I just had my hair done this way today and had a complete makeover before I came to this party; usually I look nothing like this."

Kind-but-firm rejection, and you'll probably think twice before complimenting her again. In addition, she's fully in control of things in the conversation now, and her frame control is solid as a rock.

When will you reject a challenge? Primarily, when someone's butting in or sidetracking things and you feel like there's a risk that his or her comment may derail you if it isn't promptly addressed.

Let's switch the examples up a bit to more clearly convey the sort of situation you'll use this in:

(another male challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Some Guy: [trying to enter the conversation] Hey, you're just talking to every girl in this place.

You: [to guy, looking at him like you would a five year old who asked you this, saying this while smiling slightly and shaking head slightly] No. [to girl] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

You cannot address him more than this ("No man, this is my friend") or reject him more than this, or he'll leverage that into a dialogue, which is good for whatever it is he's trying to accomplish and bad for you.

Instead, you give him a kind-but-firm "No," and get back to talking to your girl.

Our other example:

(the girl you're talking to challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Girl: Are you even listening to what I'm saying?

You: I wouldn't be wasting my time or my breath here if I wasn't. [pause for reflection, look into her eyes, small smile, as if to say, "Would I now?"] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

Here, your rejection takes the form of a short, common sense answer to the challenge; something that's going to make her realize, "Oh, right; that wouldn't make sense, would it?" For me, because I'm a very time and efficiency-oriented person, I'll usually talk about not wasting my time, effort, and energy.

#5: Meta It

Meta-framing is the big gun of your challenge-answering arsenal. This the one you pull out when you need a cannon-sized answer to an otherwise daunting challenge.

What's a meta-frame? It's going above the frames of the people around you, and forcing them to look at and address the big picture. You'll use this with the toughest challenges you get.

Still not clear? Here are your examples:

(another male challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Some Guy: [trying to enter the conversation] Hey man, are you just trying to have sex with this girl?

You: [to guy] Excuse me?

Some Guy: I think you just want to have sex with her.

You: Look around you. You see this place? [gesture to rest of bar, look out at it] It is filled with people meeting and talking to one another, and every single one of them is thinking a hundred different things about one another. And if you try and pick any one person and say to me, "Here is EXACTLY what this man wants," or, "Here is EXACTLY what this woman wants," I'm going to tell you that I dare say I think you're wrong. [small fake smile, strong eye contact, pause for about 5 seconds; then, turn back to girl] So would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

What you're basically doing is hitting this guy with logic that's simply both undeniable and also beyond him, and requires him to do a lot of processing. For 99% of people, this simply shuts them down and they leave.

The only time people will usually stick around: if he's very drunk / angry / belligerent / looking for a fight, he may simply reject your argument and press his attack (note: this is pretty rare); in that case, be glad, because your argument was actually meant more for your female companion than it was for him. SHE knows you're right, and now you can simply say to her, "Let's get out of here," and to him you can say, "Pardon us, we're leaving," and ignore any further insults he tosses at you as you head out.

You're the one with the girl after all; he's the one going home empty-handed, so absolutely do not get drawn into any foolhardy fights when you've already got the girl and some guy's trying to goad you back into the fray... even if you win, you'll lose.

And the example with the girl:

(the girl you're talking to challenging you)

Girl: ... anyway, that's why I decided to ditch marketing and major in biology.

You: [head nod, smile] That's wild. You're totally following your dreams.

Girl: Is this how you talk to every girl you want to sleep with?

You: So, the interesting thing here is, you think that just because I'm talking to you, I want to sleep with you. And I'm sure that's the case for some of the men you meet. But you know, a guy like me isn't just looking for a roll in the hay; what I'm looking for is a woman who's legitimately on my level, whom I legitimately enjoy talking with, and who can excite me on an intellectual level as well as simply a physical one. Sex is a lot less enjoyable with a woman who turns out not to be all that interesting a person. [pause for reflection, smile slightly, and just hold eye contact until she cracks, or until 6 or 7 seconds go by and it's time to resume talking] So, would you say you made the right choice going with biology? Is it what you thought it was going to be?

There are a few things worth nothing here:

• You never say, "Yes, I want sex," or, "No, I do not want sex." Instead you simply explain where you're coming from

• You explain things in terms that a woman will understand - basically, you're taking her exact thoughts on mating (she wants someone she likes, respects, and who stimulates her mind and emotions) and feeding them right back to her - so she totally relates

• You don't ask her if she agrees, you don't give her the chance to really talk about this, you just pause for effect, then resume your conversation as if nothing has happened

What this does is it resets expectations with her. She's just thrown down a hard gauntlet, and you obliterated it. Her attraction for you soars... and the odds she throws down any further gauntlets is almost zero.

And the crazy thing about wrecking a challenge this hard is, you'll often find you face NO last minute resistance by the time you get the girl home (and you'll find you have a very easy time pulling).

In fact, I've found this one so conducive to making the entire rest of the interaction run more smoothly that I've tried to start baiting women into asking me some really hard questions, just so I can unleash this attraction bomb on them. Of course, the reason it WORKS so well is that your frame is absolutely ironclad - so don't do this if you're going to have difficulty being anything other than perfect (unless you're doing it to learn, of course... one of the steps on the road to perfect execution).

I want to share a few more notes on challenging and why you get challenged and even need to answer a challenge in the first place.

First off, on responding to challenges: only respond to a direct challenge.

If a man walks up to a girl you're talking to and says, "I think this guy is trying to pick you up," just stay calm. Don't say anything to her. Don't say anything to him. In fact, don't even acknowledge his presence. Just sit there and look calmly at her, confident eye contact, calm, Zen-like smile. If she likes you, she will handle it. She knows the guy's white knighting to try and get her for himself; and if it's her girlfriend doing it, she doesn't appreciate the cock block any more than you do. The best thing you can do here is stay calm, and let her handle it.

The only time you ever intervene is if a guy starts bugging the heck out of her and she's very clearly furious about it; in that instance, don't speak to him, just take her hand and say, "Come on." At that point, you can address him while you're leaving - look him in the eyes and say, "Goodnight," or, "Good day," depending on what time of day it is. You want a very short, neutral greeting that he can't interpret as any kind of, "Haha, I won you loser!" to start a fight with you over. He's already lost, but if you end up in a fight with him then than both of you lose.

As it were, men and women have different reasons for challenging you, another man.

Men challenge you for two reasons:

• To establish territory: this is the guy who wants that girl you're talking to (an orbiter of hers, a jealous friend, some guy who notices you've gotten her hot and bothered and wants to take her off your hands) or, more rarely, wants your seat or your position against the bar, things like that.

• To establish rank and status: this is the guy who wants to show everyone how he's so much more dominant and powerful than you, and to prove to himself that he's better than you.

Women also challenge you as a man for two reasons, but only one of those reasons is shared with men:

• To establish rank and status: this is normally when she's assessing your potential as a mate, and wants to find out whether you rank above her or beneath her, because she isn't sure.

• To increase attraction and build sexual rapport: challenging is also a form of flirting, and can be used to establish and ramp up attraction and desire (e.g., see the affects on resistance we discussed resulting from meta'ing it with women above).

In addition to these, men challenge women to increase attraction and build sexual rapport, and women challenge other women to establish territory (there's research showing that women are more catty during their fertile periods, tearing down competition for mates to better their chances at mating with the most desirable men). So actually, all three reasons for challenging are present in both genders, but you won't see all three (except when you meet a gay man who challenges you to flirt and try to build attraction / desire, or a lesbian woman who wants to establish territory, usually over another woman).

Now among the forms of challenging, rank and territory fall into one category, while flirting falls into another, and the difference is this:

People challenge others with rank or territory they WANT that they think they can WIN because they've seen a sign of weakness, while people challenge others for flirtation when they think flirtation will build because they've seen a sign of STRENGTH.

It's a subtle difference, but it's a BIG difference. And if you're getting challenged often over rank or territory, you need to ask yourself how you're coming across as "challengeable and beatable." Most likely it's that you seem:

• Too nice
• Too willing to accept challenges from others
• Too unwilling to dismiss others / make them look socially awkward when they're rank- or territory-challenging you
• Too uncomfortable
  
• Too uncertain
• Tryhard

If you're getting challenged frequently on rank or territory, check yourself in these areas to see where you might be attracting all these challengers.

And... if you're getting challenged frequently by women for the purposes of building attraction and establishing sexual rapport... then pat yourself on the back my friend; you are doing something correct. No worries if you're not yet though; see these articles:

• How to Be a Sexy Man
• How to Use the Sexual Frame to Turn Women On
• Constructing Your Sexy Vibe (and Making Girls Go Nuts)
• How to Be a Dominant Man: What You Didn't Know About the 'Winner Effect'
  

And remember, when you're sorting through how you want to answer a challenge, you've got precisely 5 options at your disposal:

1. Ignore it
2. Dismiss it
3. Question it
4. Reject it
5. Meta it

... and if you're using those well, you won't have to worry about people challenging you anymore.

Because you'll just blow them out of the water when they do.

Ciao,
Chase

Related Articles from GirlsChase.com