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What women say they want and what they actually choose often
doesn’t line up. Why is so much of what women really want unconscious?
One of the most challenging aspects of psychological science is how
often people say they want one thing, only to choose something else.
I saw this routinely back in my tire salesman days. A customer would come in and say he wanted the cheapest set of tires we had. I’d ask him about what he wanted his driving experience to be like; I’d discover he wanted great road traction and a comfortable ride; and he’d proceed to purchase a premium set of tires with excellent traction and ride comfort instead.
Contents
This “what you say you want vs. what you actually want” issue manifests in all sorts of ways in psychological science, too. Paul Eastwick and Eli Finkel’s 2008 speed dating study “Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner?” found no matter how strong someone insisted a preference was (e.g., “I will only date a girl if she is beautiful” “I won’t date a guy unless he makes a lot of money”), that person was no more likely to pick someone who matched the preference in a live event than average.
In his chapter in The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology
and the Generation of Culture, on how women evaluate mate
prospects, Bruce J. Ellis unfurls a host of items on how women select
their mates. One of the most important things Ellis talks about,
though, is some of the paradoxes in mate selection. For instance, much
research finds women are drawn to men who are socially dominant:
men who dominate their social environments. These men tend to be
cooler, more aloof, and more detached. Yet a lot of other research
finds women are drawn to men who are warm, personal, and caring. How do
those two connect?
We’ll talk about Ellis’s solutions to the warmth-dominance paradox below. But first we need to pose a question: do people actually know what they want?
Comments
Here is an idea for a follow up on this topic
Very interesting post. I feel that it barely scratched the surface.
How do you understand women that says wanting a serious relationship but will end up bending over for the right guy who just don't listen to what she says but press on the right buttons?
This is a very common scenario in dating site/apps
Women Claiming They Are "Done with Hookups"
Olivier-
Yes, that'd be an interesting follow up.
What she's really saying is "I don't want the bad feelings that come from not being able to hold onto a man I am attracted to."
Of course, then she meets a man she is attracted to. And suddenly she feels the urge to get together with him.
Whether she is able to hang onto him after they do, in fact, get together, well, that's a different question!
Chase
great insight, i have been
great insight, i have been reading a lot of books by Osho, he talk about this same topic from many perspectives, Chase have you ever read some book from him?
Osho
Stef-
Haven't read things by him, no. But just looked up his Wikipedia... pretty interesting life. His philosophy seems to have some in common with Daoism, from my brief skimming of the page, mixed with rebellion/contrariness. Curious combination.
Chase
Lol,
Lol,
That Recap section reads a lot like Alek’s articles, very scholastic! Usually your style is freer than that Chase :)
Anyway, great article!
The Recap
Hmm, yeah. I think I was a little "I don't have anything else to add to an ending here" on this one, so just went for a rote recap.
Those can be good sometimes! Don't always need flowery prose at the end, I should think... sometimes a summary of the basics can work fine too.
But yeah, usually I try to have some encapsulated parting thought or some little mini epiphany or rephrasing of things at the end of the article. Think I didn't have anything on this one (or was too tired when I wrote it).
Chase
Alek style
Oh yeah, that's who! I kept thinking this writing reminded of someone else when I got to "Today we introduced the concept of the unconscious and conscious mind ..." but then I figured it was someone from some other site. Yeah, it's Alek! That was the someone else in my mind! lol
Great piece of work ! So if
Great piece of work ! So if we simplify little this whole article :D (if it can be done) "words people say don’t contain the full truth though" is saying don't take it at face value kinda.
(idiomatic) No more or less than what is stated; a literal or direct meaning or interpretation. / To accept what one says without further verifying or investigating.
so what i want to ask is when you talk to girl or girl talks to you. both kinda won't take other at face value. this is what the article is about. (when you realize this with girls)
and then hector talks http://www.girlschase.com/content/women-take-texts-face-value texting. when you text to a woman and she takes that at face value.
So when a girl texts you. again you don't take that at face value. right ?? same as she speaks to you in person.
sorry if this is hard to comprehend what i am meaning/ english not so easy to write :D so feel free ! to edit this comment any way you can so it makes sense all the readers and hopefully you.
(its just little bit confusing why women take texts at face value.) and nothing else is that. or i am just confused :D
Keep up the good work. Girls Chase is priceless...
Words vs. Wants
Traveller-
Yeah, I mean. You don't want to fall into the abyss of abstraction, where nothing means anything and all is unknowable. But you do need to realize the real thrust of communication is behind the words. Words are a poor means of communication (especially when not backed up by body language and tonality, as with texting). And people often do not know what they want consciously, or are afraid to signal it too overtly, so they muddle their words, are evasive, or even state the opposite of their desires.
Main lesson is "don't get too caught up on her words. Look at tone, body language, and actions."
Chase
Making sure she got your eye flirting
Hey Chase,
Thanks for this article in the wake of Harvey movement and all that scary stuff.
I have a few questions for eye flirting that I've come across during my approaches lately
Re: Eye contact flirting
I'm really having fun flirting nonverbally.
It's weird sometimes now especially when a girl walks by and she looks at me and I look at her and then she looks down and has this silly smile on her face. It's like..."Wait, was I even smiling back? I don't think I consciously did something but...ok let's see what her deal is"
I don't know but whatever it is, I like it.
Anyway, I digress.
So when you and the girl is in coffee shop or bus or somewhere you two are stationary, during day game.
You see her glance at you and right before you can wink back or do some eye flirting, she looks away!
Now what?
So it's not a lingering look, do we stare at her until she looks back?
I analyzed this and want to test out elite eye contact (you look above her or next to her and let it linger) and when she stares your way again, you'll know from peripheral vision and then let your eyes naturally meet her eyes again.
BAM!
What do you think? What would you do to come off smooth and sexy here?
2. Look away when she catches you looking for 1 sec, and then look back
This was in your article "Checking her out", question being, almost always when I look back after this transition, she's not looking my way anymore.
Now what?
3. When she looks down while walking towards you...
I remember you said to wait for her to pass you (to let her feel some relief from embarrassment or something) and then turn around and catch up to her and open her
Hmmm... would you do a side stop in this case?
That's all I have for now.
Thanks Chase,
Lawliet
Eye Contact Questions
Lawliet-
Sounds like you are getting some nice looks :)
Girls who glance away fast from you and don't look back sometimes are just shy. But more often they are simply not interested.
You can saunter up to them and try to chat them up to find out (as for "keep staring at them until they look back"... this is not a route I tend to go with these women, so wouldn't want to recommend it). Usually if they are actually interested, they will at least try to steal another glance or two. I've done a lot of approaching to the "look away fast" girls in the past, and usually don't bother anymore, since the reception is so universally almost "oh geez, this guy thought my look meant I wanted him to approach me, gah!" But if she's exceptionally beautiful, might still be worth a shot, just to see what happens.
Re: #2, try looking away a little slower, smiling to yourself, then looking back.
Another way to do this: when she catches you looking, next, look her up and down, then smile at her.
Re: #3, yes, jog right after her and come around from the side (so she can see you first) to open.
Chase
On dominance / Stated preferences
Oh, women do want a man who dominates them as well. There's no point submitting to a powerful man if they're not gonna feel that power exerted over them. The whole point of it is that he's so powerful and dominant that she had no other choice but submit to him - as in the tribal chief who just goes in and takes for himself whatever wife he wants, or some other variant of that you see in romance novels and the like. So they want both, one who's so socially dominant that she can't help but fall under that dominance of his. Why do you think rape fantasies are so common? It's the most direct form of power exerted over the woman. But I guess it's just more acceptable for a woman to say I only want him to be dominant outside or "with other people" so that she doesn't sound masochistic or patriarchal.
I was once lurking on that forum where people mentioned peculiar things that turned them on. And one of the female respondents said that one day at her work, the pipes of their bathroom were being fixed, and they put one of the security agents there whose sole function was to prevent people from getting into that bathroom. She said she was about to get in, and that agent just blocked her with his forearm, telling her she couldn't use the bathroom until the plumbers finished their thing. She insisted that she had to real quick, but he wouldn't let her, he told to hold it, to go back to her desk, and he'd call her when they're done in less than half an hour. She said she felt extremely turned on at being told when she could and couldn't pee, and I presume she also found that agent super hot at the moment. That's direct power exerted over her.
Re: the height thing. This one women tend to be more open about it for some reason. They usually have no problem saying they want a man taller than such and such. Though, as you mentioned, many of them often end up with men who fall short of it.
Finally, I'll add that dominance can often be subtle in the way she feels it. Meaning, you could like be a genius at the piano, blow people's minds when you play, and that admiration she feels with you (and your talent) at that moment, when she starts looking up to you and respecting you, well she feels sort of dominated by you and makes her want to submit. And that's one example of subtle domination.
Now although I agree with all of the reasons mentioned as to why the stated preferences don't always match actual desires and mate choices, I'd add a #7, and that's "number of preferences". Meaning, sometimes a guy can say he only goes for blondes or busty chicks, but then you'll find him with a redhead or a small-breasted one. Why? Because those aren't the only attributes that attract him to a girl. Maybe that redhead is also extremely beautiful, or he likes her demeanor, or butt, or whatever. So she has enough other attractive attributes that the trade-off with his "ideal" becomes acceptable and worth it. And I think it's the same for women.
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