Why the Status of Women You Sleep with Matters in Social Circle
Sunday, 27 April 2014
A few weeks back, I asked newsletter subscribers who’d been using Girls Chase material to send in details about their journeys doing so, that I might start building some case studies to use in some upcoming offerings and marketing material. I’ve been working my way through all these case studies – it’s been pretty intensive work – but it’s been interesting and reading so many success stories is heartening.
One that I just finished responding to was from a reader in Mumbai, India, in his late twenties and originally from Delhi. He’d been attending a salsa class in Mumbai, and had his sights set on a beautiful young female college student in the class, but had been blocked by her close friend who wanted him instead (but who wasn’t as cute).
So, rather than pursue a girl whose friend wanted him, which was
going to be dicey, he followed the advice of a buddy of his and slept
with a sexy MILF in the class instead – who rapidly became addicted to
sleeping with him, and who then, in order to scare off some of the
competition for his flirtations, let it slip to the other women in the
class that he was
a playboy and they should all “be careful” if they didn’t want to get
their hearts broken. As it turned out, this was a great play by her to
limit his options with the other girls there and keep him for herself.
Because while our reader figured at first this would be good for him – after all, preselection is the greatest aphrodisiac – the opposite happened, and the college girls and some others started cooling off toward him, gossiping about how he could “sleep with her.”
He ended up throwing the towel in on the college girl he liked, and leaving that class (and the MILF... though he left the option open to her to sleep with him again, if she’d get her friend, a former Miss India contestant, to double up on him together with her – no word on whether that’s going down just yet) to go seek greener pastures elsewhere. It was too bad it didn’t work out, he said, but it was a good experience regardless.
What got him in the end here though was the gossiping of the woman he was sleeping with, or her jealousy – it was the social rank of her compared to the other girls in class.
As you doubtless know if you’ve been reading here for any length of time, I have little patience personally for the constant status-jockeying that goes on in any fair-sized social circle of men and women (it certainly happens in all-male circles too, but throw women into the mix and you’re in a whole ‘nother ballpark).
As I discussed in “Social Circle vs. Cold Approach”,
and more recently in “True Freedom Means Many Weak Ties and Few
Strong Ones”, if you want to be free to meet and date any
girl that you want, you probably won’t have that level of freedom
inside any but the best of social circles.
In all mature social circles, there will tend to be:
- An alpha male and an alpha female (the #1 male and #1 female)
- A beta male and a beta female (the #2 male and females)
- A gamma male and a gamma female (the #3 male and females)
... and then everyone else, fairly loosely configured.
The level of social stratification in a circle is mostly dependent on how mature it is; a very mature social circle may well have 5+ levels of stratification at the top, with alpha, beta, gamma, delta, and epsilon males and females, while everyone else is of lesser importance; a sufficiently new social circle may not have any stratification at all yet (but it will soon).
Alternately, you can get groups with lots of churn and just a few key members; e.g., a group that has two consistent male members occupying the alpha and beta roles, such as a duo of nightclub promoters who work together, while a collection of other men flits in and out of the group in sub-roles to the alpha/beta pair. Meanwhile, this same group may roll out with a far more consistent female contingent, and have alpha, beta, gamma, and delta females occupying the five top spots.
There’s not a huge degree of difference between the roles at the top – in gorilla studies, alpha, beta, and gamma males all have the same reproductive success, and in humans this seems to be true too – a girl’s just as likely to go for the group’s gamma as she is its alpha, and won’t make too much of a distinction between the two (note: if you’re a manosphere reader or a post-2010ish PUA student, these terms might have different meanings for you – we’re going off the ethological definitions here, rather than the rather bastardized manosphere versions of them, which hold no relation to the meanings of the terms in ethology).
However... in new social circles, when roles have not been assigned yet... everything tends to be something of a crap shoot, and women are not sure who you are just yet.
So instead of figuring out which nuanced role you occupy, they tend to look at things from a more black-and-white perspective: are you a top male – a potential alpha/beta/gamma – or are you a bottom male, one of the omegas that no girl will touch... a creepy guy unworthy of sexual attention?
Who you go for, and how she responds, is the key to girls figuring this out.
Early Stage Social Circles: The Frontier
I think of early stage social circles as being something of a frontier: filled with unclaimed social territory, but also cutthroat, deadly, and lawless.
You might stake your claim on a position in the hierarchy one day, only to have a better equipped competitor ride in and knock you out of your boots the very next day.
The first time you show up at a university as a new undergraduate student it’s like this. College girls are never as sexually liberal (and easy) as they are in their first semesters as university freshmen – you might be surprised how many girls will tell you they lost their virginities midway through their freshman year of college (then went on to tack on a number of new lovers in a hurry after this). It’s extremely common.
As their college careers progress, however, the girls begin behaving more and more conservatively. Why? Because they’ve settled into social hierarchies – and they’re no longer anonymous, and their actions are no longer free of social repercussions.
Whereas a freshman girl can sleep with whomever she wants and not worry about what anyone thinks because everyone around her is a stranger, a girl who’s in her fourth year at university is surrounded by people who know her very well, and everywhere she goes she runs into friends and acquaintances. Over the course of those four years, she’s gone from “surrounded by sexy strangers!” to “I’d better be careful about what (and whom) I do, because EVERYONE will find out about it after.”
The same thing happens on new projects at work with a group of new and unknown colleagues... or new social club or networking events that’ve just started up with crowds that will know each other quite well in the future, but are all strangers right now... with cruise ships, with young people’s vacation tours (or tours for older singles, too)... with salsa classes, like that of our reader who submitted his case study to me.
When everyone’s a stranger, it’s no-holds-barred, do-whatever-you-want, hands-in-the-air sexy time... but nobody stays strangers with a group of people they keep running into for long.
Early Stage Social Circle Status: Wet Cement
All that early social circle stuff swirling around in a new circle is essentially wet cement: it’s pliable and shapeable early on, but once the air’s hitting it, it’s well on its way to hardening – and once hardened, you’re almost certainly not going to be able to change it.
That’s why people go to their 30 year high school reunions, and the popular jock who’s now a janitor with an obese wife is still higher status in that group than the quiet nerd who’s since become a mega rich startup founder with a trophy wife – everywhere else in the world, the janitor merits no consideration whatsoever next to the success story, but mixed back into the old group again, the divergence of their paths means nothing, and the former jock still feels like one of the top guys, and the former nerd still feels like one of the guys at the bottom.
Once your status in a certain group is formed, it’s formed. You can try to change it slowly from the inside over time, and you may... but it’s typically better to just trash pail a group you’ve mucked things up with and go join or start another group and do things right next time.
A new social circle, joined or built, where you do things right from the beginning to establish yourself as a high status man can be formed very quickly, often in a matter of weeks; climbing to the top of a circle where you have already established yourself at or near the bottom, alternately, is a very long, very slow climb – usually one that will take years, if not far longer.
You can join a new circle and quickly get set up as the gamma male and be cleaning up in top quality girls, or you can try to climb up to that role from a bottom role in the circle, and maybe in a few years you will get there... but probably not. Even if you have all the skills and attributes to do so.
Why’s it even matter, you might say?
I thought it was possible to get any girl, never mind social status?
Why yes, it is; so long as you are not in a social circle, and instead are operating as a nomad from outside the circle.
When you’re a nomad – when you’re not actually part of a circle; you’re not involved in it, and don’t socialize regularly with any of the other members – you’re a question mark; an enigma. You can be intriguing and exciting and filled with sexual potential for all the women within that circle – you’re someone unknown, that they can project their fantasies onto.
Yet, the moment you begin integrating into said circle, your status within that circle starts becoming increasingly set – and that dramatically affects how well you do with women inside the circle... and which women you get.
Back in the mid-2000s, I was playing around with social circle game, and I started noticing something curious. When I attracted the alpha female of a group first, all the other women subsequently started flirting with me and competing for me.
Yet, if I went for one of the lesser girls, the alpha female would often treat me with disinterest or occasionally outright disdain, and any of the girls between her and the level of the girl I was going for would snub their noses toward me. Meanwhile, the girls beneath the girl I was going for in the hierarchy would still be nice, and sometimes flirty.
I started talking to friends about this: female friends, male ones, even female relatives.
And what I discovered was that there was a consistent pattern: women chased feverishly after whatever male the top girls in a group expressed interest in or dated.
If a girl was an alpha, beta, or gamma female, and she started dating a guy or let it slip that she was interested in a guy, it wasn’t too uncommon for every other girl ranking beneath her to start climbing over one another to try and land that guy.
It was preselection in action, but not just any preselection; this was rank-based preselection.
Because I almost never found instances of higher-ranking females taking lower-ranking females love or sex interests. In fact, if a higher ranking woman liked a man, and then he dated or slept with a girl who ranked lower than in her in her hierarchy, she lost interest.
Preselection is not an entirely independent variable, it seemed.
It was rank-dependent.
How Women Form Ranks
If you don’t know much about how women socialize, you probably don’t
realize how brutal and ruthless they are in their forming of social
ranks. Girls use cliques and “in groups” to help enforce ranks, and
punish uppity individuals or individuals who reflect poorly upon the
group by ostracizing them, shutting them out in the cold. A girl has no
greater fear or danger than being given the boot from the “in crowd”
socially once she’s in it. Colt talked about some of this ruthlessness
in “What Causes Girl Fights and Female
Female rank isn’t determined solely by looks. While you will rarely have an outright ugly women as the group leader, the odds that the alpha female of a group is the hottest female in the group are probably no greater than chance (or perhaps less than chance; quite a lot of very pretty girls aren’t cutthroat or covetous of status enough to pull out all the stops to be the leaders of their groups and maintain that position).
However, looks are a part of this. Social intelligence is an even greater part of this (and here’s where looks help most; the most beautiful girls tend to get the greatest number of social opportunities, thus, the more attractive a girl is, the more likely she’ll be to have a higher social IQ).
Women form ranks the same way that men do – early on into the formation of a social circle, the “cool girls” start to figure out who one another are: they’re all the girls who are
- Socially savvy
- Connection builders
- Not loners / lone wolves
Meanwhile, the rest of the women there will tend to hang back, unsure of themselves and not wanting to chance talking to other girls and getting rejected. While they hang back, the pretty, confident girls start complimenting each other, thanking each other for the compliments, getting into small talk, and forming bonds.
Before long, a rough “cool girls’ clique” has been formed, and it sucks in a few less confident but still attractive and cool-enough girls to round out the membership. Other cliques then begin forming of girls who define themselves as “not the cool girls” but who have something else in common – they’re all professionals, or all live near the beach, etc.
The various cliques have their own ranks relative to one another – the cool girls’ clique is the alpha clique, the “girls who just want to have fun” clique is the beta clique, the “bad girls” clique is gamma maybe, the girls who love sports are delta, the artsy girls epsilon, etc. And within each of these cliques, there are hierarchies of individual women.
The important thing to note is this: this clique-forming and social ranking occurs in EVERY social circle situation out there, without exception.
The cliques won’t always be the same – there won’t always be a group of girls who love theater, or are into volleyball, for example – but the process is the same: all humans form hierarchies as they start getting familiar with each other.
And the reason this is important for you to know is this: if you sleep with a girl beneath another girl’s rank, you communicate to that higher ranking girl that YOUR social level is about equivalent to the rank of that lower-ranking girl’s.
Locking Ranks or Unlocking Them?
You can think of sleeping with girls in a social circle as something that has a cascading effect: the effects cascade upwards, locking up all girls above her, and the effects cascade downwards, unlocking the girls beneath her.
And it’s not just sex, though sex is the biggest one. Any clear activity by you (calling a girl, texting her, chasing after her, asking other girls where she is because you’re trying to find her) that’s directed at securing you more time or attention from her is a clear signal that you are pursuing a mating opportunity with her.
When you’re of unfamiliar rank to a girl – because she hasn’t known you long enough yet to figure out where you rank, usually – she’ll go off of rough clues to try and decide where you fall in the male social hierarchy. That’s why things like fundamentals and preselection are so powerful – if you’re clearly an attractive guy, it’s safe to say that you know women and take care of yourself, so she assumes you probably do well with women (assumed preselection). And if she sees other unknown-but-pretty girls talking to you, she assumes they must be high status and that you must be too to command their attention.
Yet, once you start interacting with girls she KNOWS, she’s able to abandon these “rough guess” tools for discerning your social rank and go off a much more reliable tool – the kinds of girls you go for yourself.
If you are being received well by and sleeping with women who are higher status than she is, a girl is going to say, “Oh. Wow. He’s quality.” At this point, the only thing you have to worry about is attainability; so long as you stay out of auto-rejection, you can get this girl at some point if you like – she views you as higher status and sexually desirable, and by her witnessing the warm reception of her higher status friend and/or hearing about you sleeping with her, you have essentially unlocked this lower status girl as a potential sex partner.
Unfortunately, the reverse is also
If a girl sees you pursuing and/or hears about you sleeping with another girl whom she knows to be lower status than her (from a lower rank clique, or ranking beneath her in her own clique), now your problem isn’t attainability – it’s value.
You’ve demonstrated that you are a lower value male than she is a female – and thus, you aren’t really an option for anything she might want you for.
And just like that, you’ve effectively locked her off from yourself as an option.
You can still go down the ladder and sleep with lower status girls... but you probably can’t go up.
If you’re planning on being in a social circle for a while, it’s often very helpful to get the lay of the land before you start pursuing girls or sleeping with them. If you sleep with a lower ranking girl too quickly, you can set yourself up for a lot of frustration later on.
Conversely, if it’s enough of a free-for-all in the beginning that no one really knows each other, it’s fine to sleep with a bunch of different girls quickly so long as you don’t maintain ongoing sexual relationships with them.
The rule of social rank and sexual relationships is this: the more you invest in a girl, the more tied to her rank you become.
So, if a mid-level girl chases after you and you sleep with her, a high ranking girl will view that as a stain on your record for consideration as a candidate for her, but not a full black mark.
Alternately, if you chase down that girl yourself, and then keep her on as a friend with benefits for a time, you’re deemed to be not much higher rank than her.
And if you keep her as a girlfriend, you’re assumed to be at her rank or perhaps a bit below.
Therefore, when you find yourself in a group you will potentially be in for a while, unless everyone there is a COMPLETE stranger with no one else they are friends with to gossip among, I recommend sticking to the following initial process:
Get the lay of the land, while perhaps sleeping with a few of the cuter girls discreetly, if you can manage it. Make sure these girls don’t have anything funny or weird about them that’s going to make them lower status later on.
Get seen relatively early on with a very pretty girl from outside the group – and one the group’s not likely to see or run into again. This keeps your mystery up, and allows you to build preselection with an out-group female that no one can quite pin the rank of – and since people believe in potential even more than what they already know, they will tend to assume she’s at whatever the highest normal rank might be for a girl of her looks, bearing, and fashion sense (so make sure you pick someone sexy so that the girls will assume she’s an elite girl – and you are an elite man).
Once the alpha female emerges, get on her good side. You probably won’t want to sleep with her, as she often won’t be the hottest girl there, and, being aware of her position, she’s usually going to slow game you and work for a committed relationship out of you if you try (the alpha female in most larger groups will typically go for more traditional relationships, since she’s a more public figure and her actions are being scrutinized more than anyone else’s). However, once the other girls see her flirting with you, this unlocks every girl beneath her in the hierarchy.
Additionally: you’d do well to become good friends with her – maybe get a coffee with her, go running with her from time to time, chat about life, etc. Once you’re friends with the alpha female, you can work the rest of the hierarchy with impunity, and unless she’s a complete prude, the alpha female will just laugh at your antics and egg you on. She essentially serves as a “scrambler” that makes it impossible for other girls in the hierarchy to accurately gauge your rank, but they all assume that because you and the alpha female are close you must be good, even if you’ve slept with a few lower-ranking girls.
Remember too to avoid becoming a fixture in the lives of any girls you aren’t sleeping with yet but would like to, and don’t deep dive girls you want to sleep with until right before you’re going to pull them. See this article for more on this: “The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends.”
Lastly, discretion’s a big part here too: while all girls will talk, much of the talking that happens comes when a girl thinks people are going to find out anyway, so she goes and covers the bases by getting her own story out there first. If you’re sufficiently discreet, and she doesn’t think there’s going to be any follow up or any shot at a relationship, you and her may well be the only ones who ever know anything happened, and the impact on your ability to move up or down the social chain may be nil.
If you want a short, simple tip, it’s this: become close friends with the alpha female of every group you’re in. If you can pull this off, it just makes everything that much easier.
Moral of the Story: Do Cold Approach
Well, not really... but yeah. Probably do that.
Either that or find a social circle with high churn / lots of new
girls jumping in or rotating in who are on the periphery of the circles
of girls you know from the group.
Social circle can be a lot of fun, and it’s a great learning experience. And for many guys, it’s plainly the most viable option – if you live in a small town, or you’re a shy guy, social’s often going to be your only real option outside of online dating.
However... if you don’t
like dealing with politics too much, I recommend you try your hand at cold approach, at least a little
bit. I realize it seems scary, but once you’ve got 20 approaches under
your belt I guarantee you’ll never want to go back, except for brief
swims in the pool of social circle every now and again for laughs.
Anyway, if you are going to do social circle, mind the ranks of the girls you’re flirting with, hitting on, dating, and sleeping with, as social circle is the opposite of cold approach, in that you aren’t doing your thing in a vacuum – each new girl you interact with ripples on to affect your future interactions.
So, do what you can to ensure that those ripples are affecting you in favorable ways... not unfavorable ones.
Rather than go in slipshod and willy-nilly with your approaching and seducing, view social circle as a puzzle to be put together, with a goal of getting all the pieces in place to unlock as many girls within your circle as possible.
In social circle, status is king – and the status of the girls you go for yourself the queen to that king.
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