What to Do When Girls Act Superior, Rude, and Aloof
Ever find yourself out somewhere, talking to a girl you've just met, and suddenly, inexplicably, have her begin to act superior? As though she knows exactly what you want, sees you through and through, and holds it within her power to give it to you... or not?
Or, every find yourself alone with a woman who earlier acted very interested in you, touching you, flirting with you, only to have her begin to behave rudely and aloof once the two of you were alone, telling you things outright like you couldn't have her or that she only wanted you as a friend?
Why do girls do this?
That is, why do girls show interest, lead a guy on... and then suddenly turn the tables, run what seems to be a power play like this, and throw the guy's interest back in his face?
Is it to feel juiced up and powerful?
Is it that they really don't know what they want?
Actually, for most women, their intent is far less nefarious than it may at first seem. They aren't trying to trick you, toy with your emotions, or take you for a ride... usually.
But if you want to have this stop happening, and you want to avoid having women suddenly act superior, rude, and aloof where they'd formerly been warm, friendly, and flirty, you need to know a little about what brings this on, what you can do to avoid it, and how to deal with it when it shows up.
I don't want to name any names, but there are certain advice columns I've seen out there pushing a view that when women are rude to men and act superior, it's because these women have inflated egos that are in need of a good puncturing, and as a man it's your responsibility to put a nice big hole in that ego and bring it down to size, so she stops treating men that way.
I've spent a good deal of time in bars and nightclubs. And I've had my fair share of women behave rudely, act superior, and comport themselves as if they were queens and I was a mere underling.
Is that upsetting? Of course not!
Why not though? Isn't that disrespectful? An insult to your manhood?
No. How could it be? They're just girls!
And in case you forgot, girls are silly and cute.
Some girl acting superior isn't the end of the world. It doesn't mean all men will lose respect for you, and all other women now consider you undateable. It doesn't mean you'll now never be hired for another job again, nor does it mean that your face just got uploaded to the "douchebags to watch out for!" website.
If there ever was such a website, trust me, every single man on Earth would get his photography uploaded there at some point by some woman. Women are emotional creatures... you can't get mad at them for that.
Why do so many guys take this so personally then?
Status and Respect
One of the best articles I've read on the subject of status and respect was a Scientific American piece called "The Psychology of Social Status." In it, research from DePaul University's PJ Henry is cited, casting light on the relationship between social status and ego-protective measures taken by members of different social castes.
The research is titled "Low-Status Compensation: A Theory for Understanding the Role of Status in Cultures of Honor." Here's the abstract:
“The mechanisms that link herding regions to cultures of honor have never been empirically tested. The objective of the present article is to show the important role that issues of status play in linking herding regions to cultures of honor using the theory of low-status compensation (P. J. Henry, 2008b) as a framework. Four studies are presented. Study 1 replicates the finding that counties in the American South conducive to herding have higher murder rates than do counties conducive to farming but shows those differences are mediated by indicators of status disparities in a county. Study 2 replicates the findings of Study 1 with an international sample of 92 countries. Study 3 tests the theoretical idea that people who are low in socioeconomic status face stigma in society and show self-defensive strategies generally. Finally, Study 4 provides experimental evidence that low-status tendencies toward aggressing in the face of insults may be due to strategies to protect their sense of social worth. The results are contextualized within the theory of low-status compensation as a theory for understanding the role status plays in predicting some forms of violence.”
The Scientific American article ties this research back into the hypothetical framework it was drawn from, that of a "Culture of Honor" in the Southern United States that leads to more violence stemming from a lower socioeconomic position.
Those theories, lent weight by the empirical evidence of the research conducted to prove or disprove them, propose this:
In order to rise in social status, the normal means is by ingratiating oneself to others - by doing good for them, helping them out, being cooperative, and acting humble. In other words, you are signaling your worth to others. Others see this, appreciate you, and your social standing rises.
However, individuals of low social status do the opposite of this. They take from others, compete with them, and act selfishly. And they do this because they are trying to signal their own worth to themselves. In a desperate attempt to protect a fragile ego, they act violently, aggressively, and belligerently, proving to themselves that they are socially worthy - but in the meantime falling all the while in social standing in the eyes of others.
Think about that for a second.
People who are low status act aggressively and selfishly to protect their egos in the face of insults and slights. I'll quote the Scientific American article here for this:
“Low-status people are much more sensitive to being socially rejected and are more inclined to monitor their environment for threats. Because of this vigilance toward protecting their sense of self-worth, low-status individuals are quicker to respond violently to personal threats and insults.”
And other people are intuitively aware of this.
Thus, when individuals respond with violence and tenacity to threat, slights, and insults, this acts as a signal of low social status to others.
So when a woman starts to act superior and a man responds with anger, indignation, or upset, what's she likely to see this as a sign of?
That's right - that she was correct. He was low social status... and she was absolutely right to act higher up the social ladder than him, because she is.
Obviously, we don't want to be throwing fuel on the fire and reinforcing thoughts in a girl's head that she's better than we are... that's hardly productive for turning her into a consort, lover, and paramour.
What, then, can we do instead?
Well guess what? It isn't a one-person game.
Girls are playing it, too.
Every time you flirt with a girl, you're playing it, and she's playing back. How will she respond?
- She could flirt back
- She could act superior and aloof
- She could do nothing and pretend she didn't notice
How does she know the right thing to do? Prior experience playing the game. But, the younger and less experienced she is at playing that game, the less likely she is to know the right thing to do in any given situation.
A lot of guys new to pickup are getting mad at girls who are relatively new to the whole deal themselves.
Which... is somewhat understandable. When we see other people, we see them only as they are right now, and tend to assume they're a lot more certain of their beliefs and behavior than they actually are.
But here's the big secret: nobody really is.
And much of the time when that girl's acting all hoity-toity, she's really hoping you're going to realize it's just a game, and that you'll be the guy who doesn't get bitter like all those other guys and break through.
When Girls Act Superior Early On
Not long ago, I was at a nightclub, perched up near the bar, when a tall, beautiful girl dressed in very fashionable clothes walked up and placed herself right next to me. There were other spots she could've chosen, but she chose to be near me, as women often do at bars.
I had been relaxing, and was lower energy, and not very outgoing at the moment, so I simply turned to her and gave her one of the most basic openers I could, reliant more on nonverbals than anything else.
I looked at her out of the side of my eye, smiled, looked away briefly, then looked back. "Are you from here?" I asked, saying it almost as more of a statement than a question.
"Yes," she said, hardly looking at me, then almost imperceptibly glancing away, a haughty look on her face.
I let a knowing smile pass over my lips, and slowly turned my gaze away, staring off into space expectantly.
About 60% of the time when I open this way, the girl never says or does anything, and nothing happens. She ignores me; I ignore her; and we each go about our nights.
The other 40%? She, either because she's interested in me, or because she feels some sort of social obligation to ask me something back, then asks me a question, reengaging me after I'd disengaged... and at that point, it's game on.
This isn't the only way to open girls like this, but when you're lower energy, it's an efficient one... and, it's one that communicates your status to them.
When I first started using it, I wasn't even sure if it's work as an opener. I was just doing it as an experiment to see if I could show through my behavior to girls who were acting superior on first encounter that they'd misread me and in fact I was the one of higher social standing.
When women began engaging me after I'd do this though, I knew I had a winner.
The game isn't to put a woman in her place - the game is to show her you can play it as well or better than she can!
That's what a lot of men don't get about dealing with girls who act superior or aloof... you don't win by getting mad.
Doing that only lets her know she's won. Because when she first met you, she was taking a guess.
A guess that you are like all the other guys.
A guess that you're just another low social status player fishing around for a bite.
But if you don't get upset... if you don't react... if you smile, and laugh to yourself, and get a kick out of her little teasings and her little games... oh, man!
You've just shown her that you are an entirely different animal than the type she's accustomed to seeing. You're not bitter nice guy in disguise... you're a compelling, attractive, powerful, sexy man.
And this method - of:
- Slowly smiling and almost laughing to yourself
- Letting your eyes drift dreamily away as you smile
- Letting your head slowly turn away, almost as an afterthought, after your eyes drift off
- Glancing around the area calmly, a mildly amused bored look on your face
... works wonders all throughout the "early game," before you've established any real rapport with a girl yet and you've yet to reach the hook point with her, where she becomes clearly interested in finding out more about you and begins investing as much or more into the interaction than you are.
Any time a girl acts superior, or acts rude, or acts aloof, pull this tool out of your tool belt and put it to use.
- She says something challenging or rude to you
- She gives you a very tepid response and contributes too little
- She lets herself be pulled away by someone else into another
- She gives you too many go-nowhere answers to your early questions without asking anything back or engaging you further
... you can do this. And the deeper you are into the interaction, the more likely she is to reengage you.
When she does, you simply respond slowly, with a warm-but-absentminded smile on your face, as if being woken up from a dream.
"Huh? Oh, right... you. Hi."
That's the feeling behind it.
When Girls Act Superior Later On
Recently, a member of the Girls Chase Boards posted a question about a scenario he encountered where a girl had been flirting with him, touching him, and really priming him all through a dinner at her house... but the instant everyone else left and the two of them were alone, she started telling him she was really just looking for "friends." (the original thread on this, with my response, is here)
Is this a case of a girl acting superior?
Why, yes it is!
It's a case where the girl is attempting to dictate the terms of the relationship. She's saying, in effect, "Hey, I know we were behaving like we were THIS earlier, but now we are actually THAT."
You can respond to this in one of two ways, of course:
You can get upset about it, view it as an injustice, rude, and cruel toward men everywhere, that some woman would dare to make herself the sole determiner of what a mutual relationship is between her and an individual she'd already been flirting and teasing with quite a bit is. But that's the low status way, and that kind of anger and upset gets you precisely nowhere.
Alternately, you could simply laugh it off as her being silly and cute, playing games, and play her game right back with her... only better at it than she plays it. And then instead of it being upsetting and final, it's fun and it's just the beginning.
I know which one I prefer.
So how do you deal with this?
Well, I'll tell you how you don't deal with girls acting aloof or flighty or changing their minds:
- You don't protest
- You don't argue
- You don't whine or complain
- You don't try to launch a counterargument
- You don't pretend you didn't hear it because you don't know what else to say
Note on that last: in some cases you can ignore the things women say, if they're clearly already going along with what you're doing. The rest of the time though, you do need to address them.
So what do you do?
Simple: you flirt back.
Well, in this case, my advice to the author of the thread was this: the next time you run into some girl who was touching you and giving you something like this - "I'm really just looking for friends" - what you want to say is this:
Her: I'm really just looking for friends.
You: [said with a tone half of puzzlement, and half of flirty teasing, sexy eye contact, and an edgy smile] So you're saying... we aren't friends?
Then you continue to physically escalate with her
while she laughs / blushes /
tries to figure out how to respond.
All this is is flirting. Flirting is designed to create a feeling of mild confusion and a mismatch between what's said and what's implied.
And if she keeps protesting, you simply keep asking her half-dumbfounded, half-flirtatious questions in return. Like so:
Her: I'm really just looking for friends.
You: [said with a tone half of puzzlement, and half of flirty teasing, sexy eye contact, and an edgy smile] So you're saying... we aren't friends? [continue kissing her neck]
Her: Well... I... wait! Friends don't kiss each others' necks!
You: Don't they now? [continue kissing her neck]
You: So... what does that make us, then? [continue kissing her neck]
She becomes more and more turned on as she allows you to keep
kissing her, and every time she tries to trip you up with a little game
like that, you turn it right around and ask her to define what she
And just like that, you've turned her from uncertain about you - and being in a place where she thought she ought to act superior and be aloof - to realizing that you are the one who's in control, calling the shots... and making her feel amazing.
And who wins the game?
You both do.
Don't Lose Your Cool - It's All in Good Fun
Women aren't "the enemy." They're not these devious, scheming
creatures who must be overcome. They're just girls - pretty, cute, fun,
tricky, flirty, lively, and maybe a little silly sometimes. And there
are lots of them. Not all of them will like you, but enough of them
will. And that's all you need.
The next time girls act superior around you, keep that in mind. It's
the low status individuals who react with insult and aggressiveness and
snappishness... ultimately, out of
Fear of being disrespected.
Fear of being trampled with status.
Fear of becoming irrelevant.
But you have nothing to fear. She's just one girl out of billions more.
So play a little longer with her. Or don't... meet someone else.
There are plenty of girls out there. Most of them are playful.
All you've got to do is be a little playful back.
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