What Causes Infidelity – And How to Handle It
Infidelity can be one of the most difficult things that can happen to you as a man.
Sometimes you feel it coming but try not to admit it to yourself;
other times, it seems to come completely out of left field.
Women are such largely emotional creatures, and if you don’t know how to manage those emotions, you could very well find yourself in a world of hurt.
But what causes infidelity in the first place?
Today I’m going to talk about the root causes of infidelity, share a
painfully valuable story from my past, and talk about how to spot
infidelity before it happens as well as how to handle it if it does
happen to you.
There are principle reasons why females cheat on their significant others. They are:
- Love for Another
This is a story that is not only true, but one that I have not shared outside of my inner circle. But I do believe that it will set a valuable frame for the rest of the ideas that I will cover in this article.
These events transpired a couple of years ago, and were some of the early precursors to me discovering game and ascertaining how to prevent myself from learning lessons the hard way.
I had been dating a girl for about 10 months, and met her around her birthday, which was the 15th, or on the Roman calendar, the Ides of March. We had spent the last couple of months apart because of school, work, and other life obligations that the world throws at you. The relationship was pretty good for the most part. She was a kind, loyal Filipina girl, and she cared about me quite a bit.
However, she was also very emotionally unstable at times. She would go into fits of sadness or anger that would make even the most stout of men emotionally drained and somewhat vacant. And I could tell that the long distance relationship was exacerbating this problem even more.
She was getting desperate and clingy, and even though I had not been formally introduced to the seduction community at the time, she knew that I was socially savvy enough to be getting attention from other women. And that’s when she really began to go crazy. One day she would threaten to sleep with so-and-so, the next day she would be professing her love for me and telling me that she would never leave.
In retrospect, I probably should have cut the cord here. Or at least I should have told her that we would reassess the situation the next time we were in person. But I did care about her, and even though she was emotional, I had never seen her get this manic, so I just chalked it up to the difficulty of distance.
But things only got worse from this point. This girl was causing my life to unravel from the very core. I was struggling with my job, I was nearly failing out of school, and I was spending all of my time and mental resources trying to constantly reassure her and put out fires in our relationship.
Finally, winter came, and we were thrust back into the same physical location for the first time in those long, long months.
The day was December 29th. We had both been back in town for a couple of weeks, and our being in person together seemed to bring things to some semblance of normalcy. She had also been talking about wanting to move cities so that we could actually be together. On December 29th things were getting hot and heavy. Since this girl was devoutly religious we had not had sex at that point; in fact, she was still a virgin.
But on this night, she told me that she was ready to cross the threshold. My response was one of ambivalence. What man doesn’t want to have sex with an attractive girl? But I also kept in mind all that had happened until that point, and knew that the introduction of sex could push things over the edge.
With a calm voice, I stopped everything we were doing and told her that sex wouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip. I told her that sex wouldn’t make me okay with having her completely change her life and living arrangements because of me. I told her that sex wouldn’t mean that I would put up with her fits of craziness. I told her that if she still wanted to have sex despite these facts, then I would happily oblige.
She acknowledged my terms and we enjoyed a great night.
Then December 31st came. One of my good friends was having a New Year’s Eve party, which he invited me to. There would also be friends from out of town who were going to be in attendance as well, so I was very excited. I decided to invite my girlfriend as well, who hadn’t made any plans for the night yet.
She asked if she could bring one of her guy friends as well, which I said was fine. But she lived outside of the city, so I told her that her friend would be on his own in terms of getting back at the end of the night.
It was a crazy, fun party. Or at least that’s what I’m told. I spent the entire night taking care of her after she got heinously drunk within the first 30 minutes of the party. At the end of an exhausting night, my friend/the host told me that we couldn’t stay the night because there were simply too many people.
So I called one of my other good friends and asked him if she, her friend, and I could all stay at his place that night. My friend not only agreed, but also offered to come pick us up from where we were (That is a true friend. And that is someone who understands the code).
A little while later he arrived and we all piled into his car and went back to his house. Upon reaching his house, he offered the guy friend his guest room and put me and the drunkard down in the basement. Down in the basement, she began telling me that she wanted us to live in the same city. And simultaneously she started trying to have sex again.
Not only did I tell her that completely changing our lives was a bad idea, I told her that I would absolutely not be having sex with her drunk ass. She then got up in her drunken stupor and said that she was going to go get some air. Twenty or thirty minutes had passed, and I felt bad for the way the conversation had gone.
So I went upstairs to find her and apologize for being overly blunt. I looked all around the kitchen, living room, and outside, but I couldn’t find her.
And then I heard moaning coming from the guest room. And I walked in and saw her screwing the guy she brought with her in my best friend’s guest room.
And that is the story of the worst New Year’s Eve I’ve ever had and the months that led up to it. Beware the Ides of March. And that was when I decided to definitively close that chapter.
The worst part about being cheated on was that I knew that it was my own fault to let it reach that point.
As painful as it was, somewhere deep down it stung even more because I wasn’t that surprised.
Earlier I mentioned that there are four principle roots of infidelity. So I’m going to talk about each root and how to spot the various signs that are associated with each one.
The first cause of infidelity is desperation. I am most familiar with this one because this was the cause of the infidelity in my story. Chase has also discussed (in his article on how to prevent cheating) how erratically and irrationally women might act when they get in a state of desperation.
The interesting thing about infidelity via desperation is that the girl actually still cares about you; it’s just that she has no other way of trying to convince you to give her something that she wants. In my case it was moving to the same city. Although that may have been a good thing in certain cases, I could already see our paths diverging and our relationship heading south, and I didn’t want to have the guilt or responsibility of someone completely changing their lifescapes on my behalf.
And when she saw that I would be unyielding on this point, she saw no other way but to have sex with someone else in order to “compel” me to change my mind about the matter.
In a way, the act of cheating out of desperation reminds me of the Japanese practice of seppuku. Whenever there was a warrior or court officer who couldn’t convince an emperor to follow a certain path or make a certain decision, they would commit suicide by slicing their stomachs open.
But just like seppuku, if you think about it outside of the heat of the moment, cheating out of desperation is not guaranteed to work and it just ends up hurting everyone involved. But the difference is one of these practices is rooted in honor and was actually effective; the other is rooted in irrationality and makes things worse. I’ll let you decide which is which.
So how do you spot the signs of your girl thinking about cheating out of desperation? First, look for her constantly bringing up a big life decision – moving states, moving in together, getting married, changing jobs, etc. – and getting more adamant about it.
Then, look for:
Her giving you ultimatums. Maybe with them getting more extreme with time.
Her bringing up how you’re lucky to be with her and how guys hit on her all of the time. She may even bring up specific names.
Her talking about how something almost happened with a guy or even outright threatening to cheat on you.
Her insulting you and/or your manhood and more frequently blowing up at you at random times.
Her becoming overly emotional over small matters.
Her professing her love for your in increasingly outlandish ways.
As you can see, you’ll get both ends of an extreme emotional spectrum in this situation. She’ll try throwing everything at you to get her way. I think desperation is the most predictable out of all four cases, so you should be able to spot it and act accordingly from a mile away.
Girls will often cheat on a guy to get back at him for some emotional pain he caused. Maybe he cheated on her first and they got back together. Maybe he had an emotional affair. Maybe he hit her.
I think revenge cheating is the hardest to deal with because the guy often brings it upon himself. And this makes the situation tricky for the other guy. I find that the first choice for a girl to exact revenge is someone in her man’s close sphere – maybe a teammate, coworker, best friend, or even brother.
This then makes the orbiter think that he has a chance with her. Revenge infidelity is incredibly messy. I know that there are a lot inconsiderate guys out there. I also know that there are some downright bastards as well.
This one is most in the hands of the man. But it is a cause of infidelity nevertheless that’s important to be aware of.
And if you find yourself on the other end of such a situation: proceed with caution.
I think that boredom is the most common cause of infidelity with women. What do women want? At the core, they want connection and they want adventure.
And unfortunately, most men are not able to provide both – or even one – of these things for a sustained period of time. And when a woman gets bored, she looks for stimulation – in every sense – from some other guy.
This is probably the most jarring form of infidelity out of the four because so often guys simply don’t see it coming. And to add insult to injury, the guys on the receiving end of this are usually, nice, solid, hard-working guys.
So how do you spot the potential of a bored girl who might cheat on you? Like this:
She will talk about how you guys are stuck in a “rut,” “routine” or “the same old things”.
She will tell you about how her friends have been going salsa dancing or skydiving or traveling with their boyfriends.
She will talk about how you work too much, or are always with the guys, or don’t give her enough of your attention.
She will mention how you used to be so “spontaneous”, or “adventurous”, or “affectionate”.
She will often use the phrases “We should just go somewhere.” or “We should get away.”
She will give subtle hints about things she’s always wanted to do.
She may even say she’s getting bored.
She may start going to bars and clubs without you.
She may start to spend time with other guys.
She may then talk about how much fun she’s been having with Guy X or Guy Y and say that you should join next time.
If you fail to join, she may stop inviting you to go out with her altogether.
She may then become distant, always on her phone texting one guy or another.
Regardless of whether you’ve been with a girl for two years, you’re engaged to her, or you’re even married, you never stop dating your significant other. So even if you’re secure in the relationship, you should never be so secure that you stop spicing things up and you let the priority of your relationship fall by the wayside.
Because there’s always a guy out there who’s smarter than you, richer than you, more handsome than you, and smoother than you. So if you don’t keep your girl always wanting to come back for more, you’ll drive her straight into his arms.
Also, keep in mind that work can be the biggest obstacle to a healthy relationship. A lot of quality girls cheat on their men because the man simply isn’t around. He’s always traveling or at the office because of work and essentially forgets about his relationship. So if you have a really demanding job, keep in mind that you’ll have to try that much harder to make your girl feel appreciated.
And if you have been worried about your girl getting bored: now you know how to spot the warning signs.
#4: Loving Another
The last variety of infidelity is the most humbling and disheartening. Sometimes a girl will leave her boyfriend, fiancé, or husband because she truly and legitimately loves another man.
The hardest part about this scenario is that she rarely harbors ill will toward her current beau, and in fact often cares about him a great deal. And it’s this fact that makes this situation perhaps the most painful of all.
The girl feels guilty because she cares about her current significant other and doesn’t want him to be hurt, and even wants to maintain some type of relationship with him in many cases.
The significant other feels hurt because his girlfriend cheated on him, but in many cases he knows that she is a quality girl and he can’t actually be upset because he understands that she sincerely loves someone else. He’s conflicted because he wants to be with her but also wants her to be happy. He knows how terrible it would be to lose her, but how much worse it would be to make her stay and have her heart truly lie in someone else’s hands.
The lover feels guilty because he understands that the other guy is a quality individual, and he sees how much the situation is paining the girl. However, he knows that he makes the girl truly happy and he’s wishing to neatly expedite the process of being with her. However, deep down he’s wondering to himself how faithful the girl would be to him if she is leaving someone she cares about to be with someone she cares about, but nevertheless cheated with.
I’m honestly not sure there is a way to spot this type of infidelity. Maybe the girl will be around less and will seem generally more distant, but if she genuinely cares about both guys, she’ll keep the other lover a secret until she decides what she wants to do.
But she will eventually tell you. Your best bet is to deal with the situation to the best of your ability, which I will cover in the next section.
As an aside, don’t get this kind of infidelity confused with boredom. Even if a girl eventually falls in love with a guy she cheated with, if it started because of boredom, then the cause was boredom and not a legitimate love off the bat.
Boredom that turns into love will make the girl much more bitter toward her original guy. Think Anna Karenina, if you’ve read it.
Desperation: Know When to Call it Quits
I knew in my heart of hearts that I should’ve called it quits with the girl who cheated on me (though, the second chapter was much better. Later down the line she calmed down and we became friends with benefits, as I turned her into a nympho. But, that’s a story for another day). I saw the signs and I ignored them because I was in a scarcity mentality.
You have to know that you are a man of value and never forget that. If there’s a fundamental decision that you and your girl disagree on, that’s usually a telltale sign that you should go your separate ways. Don’t let things get to the point where you both need to be hurt and then forced to separate.
Revenge: Have Integrity
I don’t have to talk to our readers about being a man of value. If you don’t give your girl a reason to exact revenge on you, then you won’t have to worry about this category.
Boredom: Be a Man of Value
Boredom is all about prevention. If you keep things fresh, fun, and meaningful for the girl, then you shouldn’t have a problem. You must understand that a relationship is an evolution, and that she expects the two of you to evolve together.
When that stops – when you stop inspiring her – then she’ll look for that meaning and adventure from someone else.
Loving Another: Let Go
This is the hardest one of them all and I’m not going to sugar coat and pretend like it isn’t. But if you know in your heart of hearts that she would be happier with someone else, then you have to let go.
There is an effectively infinite number of women in this world available out there, and no matter how much you care about a particular one, there will always be many more who are better suited for you than the one you’re currently with. And if you can acknowledge that, you will be better equipped to let go.
You can also recognize that you’re being the bigger man. By letting her go and be with someone else, you are allowing two people to be happy and you can give yourself the highest honor and commendation for that fact.
Coping Mechanisms for All Scenarios
Take time for yourself. Infidelity is painful regardless of what causes it. You’re going to be mad. You’re going to be frustrated. You’re going to be depressed. And all of that is perfectly okay. Give yourself time to feel all of the emotions you need to feel. Also, take time to think and reflect before you make any knee-jerk reactions and let your emotions get the better of you.
Exercise and meditate. Exercise will keep your endorphins up and your positive state in check (not to mention your body healthy). Meditation will keep you grounded and your mind at ease. And it’ll also help you realize that there are always things bigger than what you’re personally going through.
Decide on a course of action. Decide what you want to do and follow through. If you want to make it work with the girl, then make decisive changes. If you want to call it quits, end things and completely separate yourself from the situation.
Reach out to friends. Rely on your friend network. That’s what it’s there for. Let go of your ego and speed up your recovery process.
If you leave her, go out and approach ASAP. Nothing will make you feel better than having new girls in your life. And the only way to make that happen is to approach. It may seem hard or even ridiculous at first, but you can do it and things will get easier with time.
And if all else fails, do what this guy did.
Infidelity can be frustrating, confusing, and painful to deal with. But in most cases, it is preventable. All you have to do is know what to look for. In the rest of the cases, you just have to know how to move forward.
Such is the burden of being a man. The path is difficult. But if you can walk it, you’ll only continue to advance and progress. The choice is yours.
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