True Freedom Means Many Weak Ties and Few Strong Ones | Girls Chase

True Freedom Means Many Weak Ties and Few Strong Ones

One of the things that’s bizarre for me to read among all many of the comments, emails, and forum posts from new guys just discovering Girls Chase or who’ve mostly just been reading occasionally but not putting into practice is the prevalence of the “this girl or this group or this environment is TREMENDOUSLY important and I can’t mess it up” mentality.

It’s been ages since I’ve had a mentality like that... but I can relate. I felt that way often in high school, and at times after in university. Once I dialed down my involvement with social circles and began approaching women, that feeling went away and never came back.

I was free.

true freedom

At the same time, I led a more rewarding social life than just about anyone I knew – my hands full with pretty girls, and all the cool / admirable / successful male friends I could want.

Why would anybody leave themselves in such restrictive conditions that they felt like achieving one specific outcome with one tiny group of people was life or death?

We discussed this re: girls a guy might be obsessing over in “Can’t Stop Thinking About Her? Here’s Why You Need to Meet More Girls”... but it goes deeper than this, too; both with women, and with freedom in general.

We only have as much freedom as we allow ourselves, you see.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

smith's picture

Hey Chase,
Great article! It confirmed what I've always thought about social circles. If you get stuck in one social circle for too long time, not just your views but also your potential is limited. I just have a couple of questions. How did you find those talented/natural seducers or self-made millionaires? It seems like these people are rare and hard to find. I've yet to met another PUA or naturals or millionaires in real life. And since they had so much value to you at the time, how did you befriend them without being a social burden? What did you offer them in return?

Cheers
Smith

uForia's picture

In my small university, I have been feeling insecure at times for not having that core group of friends that other people seemed to have by now. I have been asking myself, "What is wrong with me?" when I have seen other people hanging around with friends. I'm certainly not one of those shady people that nobody wants to be with, as I have a lot of weak connections, such as just studying on the same night before a test with football players in business courses, or extracting advice from a hallmate when it comes to my engineering courses.

I find myself eating alone often instead of with a group, and because of that, I especially try to maintain my fundamentals while eating alone so as to make others not perceive me as a loner (Which I actually am since I have no close friends).

This article has made me see the more positive sides of being alone, yet I also have a question. Let's say I somehow get in a relationship. Is it okay, in a college setting, for a girl to find out you actually have no close friends and only a loose network of acquaintances? (I know in the real world setting, it's completely fine)

David Riley's picture

Hey uForia,

You'd be surprised how many college students actually feel that way. A lot of people on campus feel isolated and alone at times. This makes it all the easier to actively connect with people. I would recommend during your free time to seek out student groups that apply to your interest. Whenever some of my friends were busy, I would branch out and make new friends. I would go to the gym or even join people who were playing volleyball or something. People love making new friends. Sometimes you can even say hi to familiar faces you see when you eat alone. Sooner or later you can join them for food. Meeting people in college is pretty easy at times. People are really open to meeting new people and making friends.

Take care,

Just Dave

Troy's picture

Hey Chase -

I loved this article read and to be honest that's exactly how i feel, trapped in my social circle at school.

As you stated in the article, that even if you dont do social circle and decide to cold approach, its still a hassle if youre not good at conversations. Everything you say makes sense to me here especially the part about feeling self-conscious and wanting to move far away from anyplace you know if cold approaching near others you know could lead to a word going around.

But, Chase, not everyone can afford to move around as much as you do. What if we are stuck in a area or social circle? How can we improve? Can you give us some tips as to what to do there? I have 1 year, 2 months left in high school and i feel stuck in making progress with girls. I have a few friends but they are all weak connections and if anything bad should occur, then i would be the first to get kicked out. You already told me that its a value problem i have so no need to go over that. Im having problems with finding the time to go cold approach. My daily schedule is like this:

6:00am - Wake up get ready for school

8:00am - School starts

2:40pm - School ends

3:10pm - All students walk from school to the town. No transport so i reach in the town by this time

So the entire school population is in the main town and i dont feel comfortable so i take a bus to the next close main town where many more high school students gather at the transport park

4:30pm - I reach in the transport centre. I do what i can manage approaching girls and sometimes i honestly just walk up and down without talking to ANYONE.

5:30pm - Take a bus back to go home

7:00pm - Reach home and do what ever needed to get ready for the next day.

The 3 main problems i have with cold approaching are:

- Anxiety
- Starting and holding conversations
- Approaching girls in groups

All these affect me at the same time and everywhere i go the girls are always in big groups enjoying themselves. I feel that going over to the group and talking to them is hard because i mean what do i say? How do i get them to listen to what im saying? How do i feel comfortable in these environment? I feel that you are going to say improve my fundamentals but what else?

Next thing, with my schedule that i have above, sometimes it doesnt work out because i have classes after school or after school activities so i end up reaching home after 7:00pm. Right now my reputation is bad at school, and because of that persons actively avoid me. A few of my friends pulled me aside and spoke to me about it and said that i should just try and be friendlier and talk up more to the girls. How do i relax around girls especially social circle girls? The only thing is that whenever i do that the girls seem dodgy and cold towards me plus i just cant seem to think of what to say to them and the conversation is bumpy and boring. How do i think intelligently of something to say and get out of my head?

Coming September i have one more high school year and i was thinking of taking a fresh start and being anonymous at a different school. I was thinking about the pros and cons of doing this:

Pros
- I get a fresh start from a bad reputation at my current school

- I will feel less conscious about changing my behavior without ridicule from persons who knew me before.

Cons:

- Everyone would already have friends and it would take time to get in the circle

- My lack of game would hinder me from making good use of the opportunity

- I would be leaving all my half-connected friends and going somewhere as unknown

Chase, what would you recommend i do in this situation? Stay in a bad reputation with a few friends at my present school? Or go into a new school where the chance of loneliness and not fitting in are high?

Also, could you do a follow up article to this one on how to balance different social circles, maintaining the relationships over time, and managing in a new environment quickly?

I really appreciate what you do here so thank you as always!

Troy

David Riley's picture

Hey Troy,

High school:
Sounds like your making a big decision and I hope one that you can truly benefit from. Honestly, being the new kid at a new school could be good for you because of the social skills you learned from GC. You would want to fly in under the radar and not go in as too cocky or a know it all. Just be friendly and cool with people as you pass by them. You can openly tell people you're a new student. It's the perfect excuse to make friends. You can ask them where all the cool places people hang out at. Find out what interests them and you.

I actually reinvented myself my junior of high school. I got rid of my quiet persona and started taking more of an active role at my school. I started talking more during class and talking to other people. I would say things like, "Hey, we never talked much but you seem cool." I would use little openers like that. I would also go eat out after school with kids. I would even go to the movies with friends at times. I was just trying to be a more all around social person. As far as picking up girls, I would try my skills on girls from other schools. This way if I messed up it didn't affect my reputation at my school.

Social Circle: Just focus and listen to what a girl is saying during the conversation. Ask her why she likes and does certain things. I would even suggest asking her what she wants to do when she gets older. Women turn cold when they feel like you don't get them. In order to get women you really have to listen when to them. After that you'll notice that clicking with girls isn't so hard.

Take care,

Just Dave

Ashu's picture

Hello Chase! Once again a great article,but i have a little query. You mention cutting off your existing social circle. So is this related with the mindset of "not giving a damn about what others think". I mean if you cut off people who are close to you but were limiting you, you will generally be perceived by them as some kind of rude guy and a traitor.
So is "Not giving a damn about what others think " the base i.e. the core mindset to achieve true freedom?

Mysger's picture

Chase, I've got an uncommon problem.
its about a guy who kinds of makes my life a misery at school.
He effortlessly and smoothly does sarcastic remarks and I can't answer him back
as he is really smart and has an answer ready anytime. I cant tear him
down as he really can answer back, something I am VERY bad at.
I can't ignore him as I sit next to him in class, which forces me to interact with him at times.
how can I deal with that?? He is so unshakable so insulting him
wont work as he just does not care.
I think he likes disturbing me partly because I'm kind of a moody guy and when something
disturbs me, it kinds of shows on my face. How can I tear him down
and appear powerful to him?

African boyo's picture

Hi chase

I am torn between pick up and a long term relationship. I am in a happy relationship however i feel that my abundance mentality is slowly fading. My question is thus this.Is it possible to still practice pick up and still be faithful. If so wat wud an acceptable threshhold be for guaging your success as being faithful entails no sexual relations with women while the normal endgame for pick up is sex.

David Riley's picture

Hey African,

You can still talk to women and interact with them and meet new women on the regular. Women love to see their men getting female attention to a degree. You just don't want to flirt with another girl in front of your women. You also don't want things to go too far. An example of this would be late drinks and being alone with these other women. Put yourself in your girl's shoes, you wouldn't want her to be standing all this extra time with other guys. As a result, I would just keep it simple and just interact with new women. Keep things light and fun, but don't take it too far. I would just recommend talking to girls while you're out alone and stopped before getting her number. Just excuse or break from the conversation before it gets too far.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase! Right from the day I started reading your blog I have been impressed by your analytical capabilities and moreso with your writing skills. Since then I have been a follower. . I am a dreamer myself. With a dream of creating an enterprise someday that creates something truly special. In my own field which is. Since then I have read countless autobiographies and seen innumerable interviews of all the personalities I respect. One thing that was indeed common was that they had very few very close friends. Even the most sociable and communicative people. And your article is a perfect reminder. I read somewhere You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Since then I have always been on the hunt for the people that inspire me. Let me know the best way to get in touch with you in case I am someday a worthy business connection for your endeavor.

Driver's picture

Great Article Chase. I'm glad you put this perspective out there for everyone to clearly see.

I've always been averse to joining any kind of social group, always preferring to "do my own thing", and adamantly pushing people away when they initially try to coerce me into conformity. I always knew that I didn't want to be restricted, and that was the fundamental reason why I did this. Chase, you pointed this out as a main reason in your article as well. I think that the group you associate will limit not only your achievements, but even what you can believe about yourself, about who you are as a person, to which I now find myself in disgust.

A good friend of mine, a young black man, who died in a tragic car accident, would frequently talk about how the black community was it's own worst oppressor. He was very successful for his age, he was very smart, hard-working, diligent, and kind. He left an indelible impression on me of being a model of a good man.

But his conversation with me opened up my eyes to how true this oppression was. If a black man actually tries to succeed, study hard, and speak English properly, he will be relentlessly ridiculed by his peers, and eventually shunned. Some will even go as far as to decry his race as black man. I started seeing it after my friend mentioned this to me, then I started seeing it everywhere in all walks of life.

If I mentioned to someone that I wanted to grow a company I started into a large company, even if I did so in a modest manner, even after acknowledging their achievements, and granting them status, I would still be aggressively smacked down or ridiculed.

Once I began noticing this pattern, I also began to notice that free people don't restrict others. They're flourishing and they're happy to see others flourishing as well. I don't restrict anyone, ever. I find it deplorable. I frequently find that I'm not able to respect a person after I see them do this. It usually comes in such an aggressive manner that it appears that they're acting in a great need with desperation to crush your ambitions, or your joy, or your freedom. To see someone have a gut reaction to act so swiftly and decisively to null these extremely positive things in a person, leaves me with nothing but extreme disgust. My personal reaction to this happening to me was near to the point of being outraged. How can another person feel that they have this right to not only limit my beliefs and aspirations, but enforce these limits? That is with force, with aggression.

I have comes to terms with this phenomenon now. I do think it is an essential part of society. How else would work get done and crops be grown, if these people weren't oppressed? They must believe they have no other options. If everyone truly believed it's easy to become rich, then sit around all day, typing out extremely detailed and well-thought responses to an even more well-thought out and detailed article ;) THEN go out and have a great sex life, well I wouldn't have any food to eat.

But personally, I've made the choice never to submit to any societal norms. I'm proud to call myself defiant, even insolent. The definition of insolence that is synonymous with impudence, by the way, is a term of negative connotation that an oppressor will use to besmirch anyone who won't bow to oppression. So, any friends I have are free, and know that I would encourage them to go the moon if they so desired, and in turn they don't limit me. I always pronounce and present myself as a "visitor" to anyone else so that restrictions will not be applied to me. I would suggest the same to anyone who resents being stifled and restricted.

However, I think most people are more comfortable and secure with a group that defines them and their place in the world. It's more of a preference to be, or not to be a "part" of a group.

Thanks for this article and all your other articles Chase, and for expanding everyone's perception, and doing so with such clarity. I almost always find that even when I think I know something, you dig deeper and define the details. Ahh, alliteration. ;) I hope I will see more to come for a while.

David Riley's picture

"A crab doesn't want to see another crab make it. He's like if I'm gonna die we all gonna die." - The Boondocks

Hey Driver,

Be a black guy from the midwest, I can definitely relate to what your friend was going through. It's very real and unfortunate how the black community strives to tear itself down. The ironic thing is back in the 60s through 70s black people actually stood together. It's amazing how much things have change since then. Hopefully things will get better as time goes by, and blacks see that there is meaning to being educated.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase I was just interested on your opinion with regards to female attraction to the older guy, and why this is?

I am not talking very big age gaps, just generally, for example a girl im seeing who I really get on well with etc is 20 whereas I'm 28, so nothing massive in terms of age gap but still there is 8 years there. She is always saying how much she prefers guys in my age range and how she couldn't consider dating a guy her own age - I was just interested into this whole dynamic, girls seem to like older guys and guys seem to prefer younger girls - but why?

Also, what is it that makes two people in a relationship like each other after that initial spark has died? What causes two people to remain with each other an genuinely enjoy havering each other's company? I guess it's all about personalities, interests and an ever forward moving relationship with excitement and teamwork?

How does interests and personalities between two people match up when it comes to age gaps? I often hear people say things like how many age gaps relationships won't work because they will be in different stages of life and won't be into the same things - but really this never seem to ring true for me, I think most interests are not age specific and when it comes to life's stages, I mean really when people are out of school they are in the adult environment and really everybody is in the same life stage. there are girls who want to marry at 20 and guys that want to marry and 40 and the other way around - seems many people view 'life stages' as very static, and age related which in the real world I don't think is true. So what is the deal with the stigma behind age gap relationships? is it a load of socially manipulated generalising rubbish or is there any truth to it?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It all comes down to biological as far as attraction. Younger girls like older guys simply because they seem more mature, and they have resources. Guys their own age are too concerned about fucking as many women as possible. This makes them bad partners for long term because they wouldn't be able to commit. Younger girls when seeking a relationship, want a guy who is relationship ready. The type of guy who's ready to settle down and start a family. For older guys they want a woman who's young because youth translates well into fertility. It's no secret that young people have an easier time making babies. Having a partner who's aging makes it harder to have kids the older they get.

After the spark, well this has to do with society. Society tells people it's good to stay together. We should be having families and sharing resources. It helps society move to a better place. However, people do genuinely like each other. They've invested so much time into that person, that it's hard to pull away at times. If you spent months getting to know a person it's almost impossible not to get attached. Guys don't feel the rush to get married right away because they can have kids up until death. Women on the other hand have only a limited amount of eggs. As a result, she faces the biological clock. This is why women can't wait around as much as men. Especially if her end goal is to have kids.

Take care,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

serious question: how do i get over my fear of death?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It's just acceptance and not being afraid to live. Just because you know we're all going to die one day doesn't mean you should stop living. Like the saying goes, "You either get busy living or busy dying." You can get over your fear of death by embracing life and loving it. Find something you're passionate about to fill your life with passion. Living in fear can make life very miserable. Find people you enjoy spending time with and make memories with them. Once you come to terms with your own death, your life becomes more meaningful. You're concerned about the amazing journey you have in your life. One the end does come, you won't regret having lived a life of enjoyment.

Stay strong,

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, when people talk crap about me is the solution to stand up and fight back or to step back and let people talk about me?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It's important to take a stand and call people out on what they're saying about you. Address it and find out what the problem is. Tell them they should come and talk to you about. I wouldn't encourage getting violent right away or ignoring the problem. Ignoring problems doesn't do anything but make them grow into really annoying. You also don't have to be a jerk about. Just say you've heard from things and you want to address them.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,
When my girlfriend screws up or does something ludicrous and it pisses me off, usually I reprimand her but she cries, so...... I just leave her to her own thoughts when and let her cry alone when we get in an argument and there is drama, but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing?

David Riley's picture

Hey Anon,

It's all in the way you say things. Women are sensitive creatures and a lot of times they don't mean to do things intentionally. I would recommend to be more patient with your girlfriend. Just tell her things in a more calm manner. Try to relax more and accept the fact that both you and her will make mistakes. We're all imperfect. While it good to reprimand girlfriends, you don't want to do it in a way that would upset them. Especially, if your girlfriend is an emotional person. Just tell her, "Hey that really bothered me, and I would like you to not do that again." I'm not saying you won't get angry, just take time to regain control of your emotions. Have a logical reaction not an emotional one.

Take care,

Just Dave

lucifer's picture

I'm extremely surprised at reading this part:

"I was extremely fortunate to have parents who essentially forced me back into education because I can still very easily imagine a life where I am Chase Amante, Store Manager".

It takes a man to recognize "luck" and not to ascribe everything to his own will and work.

Though I thought that taking a year off and postponing college was a conscious decision from Chase himself and not something he was "forced into?"

lucifer's picture

Then the next question that springs to my mind is by being "around self made millionairs and entrepreneurs".

But how can you be mostly around successful ones in the start up world and mostly with "failed" entrepreneurs if data tells that most start ups go belly up in a few years time?

William Gupta's picture

The beauty about living in the modern world is we can choose who's opinion we value and which social groups we want to affiliate with.

I have always been a person who stares on the periphery of many groups and develop strong bonds with individuals. Groups have their own dynamic. You can relate to everyone on a deeply personal level and still not fit in the group.

Legend_bot's picture

You mentioned that those who would like to live like this have lives which are structured to make the "first option, the path of least resistance".

Kindly grant an article giving several options one could have which would cause them to live with the second option and experience the freedom this article outlined.

Thanks Chase

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