A while back Chase wrote a fantastic piece on confidence called “Does Confidence Equal Success? Actually… No.” What made it a fantastic piece was its flying in the face of the conventional wisdom of people trying to give you advice with women telling you to “Just be confident!”
Now is confidence near the top of the list of things women find extremely attractive in men? Absolutely. But can you feign confidence? Absolutely not. Even if you fool a girl for a minute or two, girls can always sniff out a mere veneer of confidence from a mile away.
And as Chase rightly points out in his post, that’s where most guys go wrong. You can’t just fake confidence. Confidence actually has to come from somewhere – either from past successes or a solid foundation of belief, process, and efficacy in other areas of your life.
So how does one develop confidence? How do you get to be like those guys who can just go up to girls in the middle of a town square and just start joking around with them? How do you become one of those guys who are unfazed by rejection who and maintains a deep belief in themselves? I’ve been re-reading Steven Covey’s “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” along with some other materials that I have found truly valuable during my own journey.
It is entirely doable. And today I’m going to show you exactly how.
Starting from Within
There are two aspects to being successful at seducing women: having a strong foundation within and having a strong foundation without. And the two go hand in hand. I’ve never believed in just mentally masturbating your way to success with women (or anything in life). That being said, I’ve also never believed in just taking wild action and going in guns blazing all of the time with no regard to your purpose and direction.
You always need to take action with direction. This is how a guy who takes action with no discernable direction goes wrong:
If he’s reading the materials on this site, and he’s decided that he wants to employ some of the key actions, then he starts approaching girls, learning playful banter, and, if he has strong fundamentals , maybe hooking up with a girl or two.
Then he starts riding on the high of his success. He’s feeling good, he starts being more confident in other areas of life, and he really believes that life is truly on the up and up.
And then the girl calls (or more accurately, texts) him and tells him that she’s just “too busy” to hang out. He thinks “Whatever,” he can always just approach new girls. And then he starts to approach new girls and he just keeps getting blown off by all of them.
And then he gets into a spiral of negativity. He starts to think to himself: “This seduction advice doesn’t actually work. It was a fluke before.” And then he wonders where he went wrong with the girls who rejected him, as well as with the girl he managed to land. But he realizes he has no process to assess, and thus he loses all of his confidence, only to retreat to his apartment and start pining about that “special girl” who he “should’ve done more for” in order to keep her around.
This sounds a bit dramatic but it’s anything but. I’ve seen too many guys fall into this trap. And it’s the exact same thing every single time. They discover the seduction community. They get up the courage to actually try out some tactics. They surprise themselves by actually getting results. And then they invest all of their confidence – and even self-worth – into the approval of women. And then whenever they don’t get this approval or they fall short, they spend their time beating themselves up or blaming writers like myself on how our methods only work on “ugly girls/fat girls/slutty girls/etc.”
I can’t really blame these guys in all honesty. They built their castle on a foundation of sand. So when things don’t work out, of course it’s going to seem like their world has come crashing down – because it has.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. On the flipside, this is how a guy who is focused and takes action with direction handles things:
He discovers the materials on this website. He figures out what his true motivator is for wanting to get better with women. Maybe he found himself thinking about that one girl and wants to break away from his mental prison. Maybe he’s only had sex with one girl and wants to improve his prowess and experience. Maybe he wants to build up his skills to find a quality girlfriend or wife.
With this motivator in mind, he goes out and approaches many women. He has some successes and a whole lot more failures. But he tracks his experiences. He reflects on where he went wrong in certain situations and how he will improve or experiment in the future. He begins to see the failures as valuable learning tools.
As he spends more time sharpening his skills, he sees the frequency of girls spending time with him, giving him attention, and wanting to have sex with him increase. He starts to push situations even farther, hook up with girls faster, and live life on his own terms. He still maintains his process and holds himself accountable, even if things get hard sometimes.
Then he begins to find success in other areas of life. As he ascends through the stages of mastery with women he starts to realize that the journey of seduction actually really isn’t about women at all. And perhaps it hasn’t been for a long time. He realizes it’s about improving himself and becoming the best man he can possibly be.
And then he never stops improving himself as he becomes better and better – with women and work – every single day.
And that is the difference between a man who takes wild, uncalibrated action, and a man who combines action with process and discernment. It’s literally the difference between a king and a jester.
Proactivity is one of those terms that is thrown around so much that it loses its gravity sometimes. But when taken at its true root, being proactive is a very powerful concept – and it is something all confident guys have mastered.
Most people go about the world letting things happen to them. They wait for some windfall to fix their financial troubles. They wait for their boss to promote them. They wait for their health to decline before they consider a nutritious diet.
Most people live very reactive lives. They kind of just exist, and react to whatever life throws at them as it buffets them around.
But if you want to be a confident man, you have to learn how to be proactive. Your have to take your success into your own hands. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t factors outside of your control – there always will be. But it does mean that you take action – and more importantly – responsibility for the fact that you have much more influence over your circumstances than you think.
- That girl wasn’t closed off – you just didn’t approach her.
- That girl wasn’t bitchy – you were just too forward.
- That girl wasn’t prudish – you just let the escalation window pass.
The responsibility is on you. It’s easy to pass the buck onto other people or other circumstances. But in the end, there was always something you could have done, did, or failed to do that was your undoing in most life situations.
There’s also another really important aspect to proactivity that gets overlooked sometimes. It’s the ability to choose how you react to things you can’t actually control. Life happens. Sometimes, no matter how much concerted effort we put in, crazy things still happen. But as a man, that’s to be expected.
But the mistake that most men make is letting these moments deeply impact them. If a girl rejects them, they start losing their nerve and thinking that they are worthless in the eyes of all girls.
But just as it’s your responsibility to take action, it’s also your responsibility to find the lesson in every difficult situation. Maybe you just need to be more playful. Maybe that girl blowing you out is a lesson that you need to be able to hold your masculine frame more strongly.
Whatever it is, this is the other half of proactivity that forms the basis of confidence. You must have responsibility in the form of taking action and choosing how you react.
Developing Powerful Habits
To quote the great Aristotle: “We are what we do.” Truer words have never been uttered. Behind every great man is a damn great set of habits.
Fit (and healthy) men eat nutritious breakfasts, exercise, get good sleep, and balance rest with physical activity. And they do so several times a week – or every single day.
Great speakers practice their speeches, go out and connect with people, read as often as they can, and learn how to manage their mood and energy levels with meditation and self-awareness exercises. And they do so several times a week – or every single day.
Great seducers go out and approach women, read materials and watch videos, work on their fundamentals, review their sets, and solidify their inner process several times a week – or every single day.
Noticing a pattern? If you want to be a truly confident and successful man, you have to develop powerful habits. And if you have bad habits, you have to learn to slowly replace them with good ones. In the case of attracting women, these are things like:
- Dressing well every day
- Walking confidently and having good posture every day
- Working on your voice intonation every day
- Making eye contact with people every day
- Approaching one girl every day
- Pushing an interaction as far as it will go every time
However, you can’t develop powerful habits without first developing a solid structure for your life. Some men are afraid of the word structure because they feel it may limit their freedom or cause them to be rigid in their lives. But it’s just the opposite: structure allows you to be freer.
If you’re not inundating your brain with information and constantly wondering what you have to do tomorrow or the next day, you’re giving yourself the mental resources to be more creative, more productive, and thus more efficient, so that you can spend more of your time doing what – or whom – you enjoy.
Also, if you work fun into your structure, then you’ll be more motivated to work because you’ll see the immediate rewards for your efforts just around the corner.
So maybe right now you’re thinking that I’m telling you to make a schedule. Yes, making a schedule and writing down your commitments is an important aspect of structure. But there are other equally important aspects as well:
Reduce resistance. The easiest way to get structure and balance in your life is to do your absolute best to reduce resistance. Do you want to run in the morning but hate waking up? Put your alarm clock across the room and your running clothes right next to your bed. Sometimes when I have an important meeting really early in the morning but I go out to meet women or hang out with friends the night before, I literally put my suit right next to my bed. Then I can take just two minutes to get dressed and stay on autopilot while I wake up and prepare for the day.
Knock out the three most important things. Every day I write down the three most important things that I have to do that day. And only three. I can obviously do other things, but I cannot go to bed until those three are done. This practice allows your brain to hone in on specific goals and gives you a sense of step-by-step accomplishment each and every day.
Remember that willpower is overrated. The idea of willpower as a be-all end-all is false. Willpower is extremely limited and runs out very quickly. It’s called ego depletion. You can’t brute force your way into structure and powerful habits. You just have to make the ride as smooth as possible. Instead of buying tools to brute force your way through the grass, just cut it down and smooth out the path.
And the final aspect, which deserves its own heading, is…
You have to do it every day. That’s the only way you can master anything. And once you get deep down the path of mastery, that’s when it’s even more deadly to stop. This is because you will have built up so much momentum and progress that the resistance you’ll face upon trying to restart your habits will be nearly insurmountable.
So the trick is to find a way to make them continuous no matter what. There is absolutely no replacement for consistency. That’s the only way you’ll find long-term success.
We’ve talked about this many times so I’m not going to rehash it. All confident men learn to embrace failure. Of course, it never feels good to fail, but there is always value to be gained from every shortcoming.
Being Compassionate with Themselves
All confident men, after following these steps, always learn the ability to be easy on themselves when they falter. Even when they fall short, they know that they’re still high-value men. Don’t forget that no one can take your value away from you. No one can undo that progress that you’ve made and the hard work that you’ve put in.
Confidence may not equal success. But a solid process, with a strong foundation coupled with consistent action? That does. That definitely does.
And now you know how to be truly confident.