Once you've begun working on your abilities to pick up girls for a little while, you'll soon find you run into a flavor of situation again and again that manifests in a variety of forms and a variety of ways: girls acting not as you expected them and you feeling a little surprised, shaken, and fazed.
This post is all about how you can be unfazed, even in the face of the sometimes-disorienting behavior of new women you'll meet while out and about.
Because as you'll come to realize, getting fazed - and remaining unfazed - isn't necessarily about having already been through every situation already. Instead, what it's actually about is a state of mind and freedom from "hoping" for a specific outcome to come about that you can't control.
In addition to that, there are a number of specific, technical steps
you can take that will free you from the risk of ending up fazed at
some point, because they avoid taking you down the roads that most
often lead to guys getting
And the funny thing is, the more you're able to remain unfazed, the better able you are to bring about the things that can end up seeming out-of-reach to the men who do get fazed.
But, we're getting a bit abstract. Before I say more, first allow me to explain.
Why Guys Get Fazed
Imagine that you're out in a bar and you meet a new girl (and that you're relatively new to this), and the following conversation ensues:
You: "How's your night going?"
Her: "Tonight sucks."
You: "Why's that?"
Her: "I don't want to talk about it."
Okay... now where do you take it from here?
With time, and enough approaches under your belt, you'll find that pick up is a lot like those games you play where you have different choices about what to say, and if you say the wrong thing it sends you back to try again. The only difference here is, you don't get to try again with the same exact person... you've got to try again with someone else.
Hence, the maxim that to get good with women, you need to talk to lots of girls.
But that doesn't save you from feeling like you exhausted all paths forward in this particular instance, feeling awkward, and getting fazed.
Why do you get fazed, though?
It's largely because of the difference between what you hope or expect will happen, and what actually happens.
Say you were party to that conversation just above. What were you hoping would happen? Probably that:
She'd say "Great!" or even "Good... now that you're here ;)" in response to your initial question, or
She'd give you some kind of opening in response to your second
Instead, she closed up and got dismissive... not what you were
planning or hoping for.
So now, stuck in a situation you hadn't anticipated - or had, but hoped you wouldn't encounter because you didn't have a contingency in place (see: "What If She Doesn't Have Time?" for more on contingencies), you froze up, didn't know what to do, and had to bail out of the situation.
You got fazed.
But did you have to?
How to Stay Unfazed: The Mindset
About a year and a half into my actively learning how to get girls, I encountered a situation I'd never been in before while teaching a boot camp in San Francisco. It was the end of the night, and the students were getting ready to head out and go home, so I went to see if I could do a pick up before they left so they could watch it go down and get both a little entertainment and a little encouragement that it's not really that hard to pull that off.
I met a group of girls standing around in a bar at the end of the night, most of the other patrons having left. I started chatting with one, and she was scathing in her wit, teasing and harassing me like few women ever had.
I stayed unfazed.
She and I sat down on a couch and got to talking. One by one, each of her many friends came over to meet me, and give me their stamp of approval.
I stayed unfazed.
At closing time, a male friend of hers announced that he was taking the girls to an after party at the bar he bartended at, but only a few people could join them.
Despite this, I stayed unfazed.
After a few minutes of the group discussing this, we moved outside. My girl let me know she was pulling for me to be included in the group who got to go. That would mean the bartender would have to deny a few of his own friends to let me - the only stranger in the group, as my students had now gone home - come along.
Yet, I stayed unfazed.
The people allowed to come got narrowed down to five: the three girls, a friend of the bartender's, and me. We started walking toward the bar.
Just then, the bartender got a call; he was upset. His boss told him he could only bring four people with him; we were five. It looked like I'd probably be the odd man out.
Still, I stayed silent and remained unfazed.
"Sorry bro," the bartender said, turning to his male friend, "I can't let you in."
"Oh man," the friend said, "dude, not cool!"
"I know man," the bartender said. "Sorry."
His friend struck off, and the bartender, the girls, and I all continued on to the bar.
While we sat and chilled in the bar, my girl stared at me in amazement. "You are so zen," she remarked. "Oh my God, you are so calm!" She couldn't believe it. Shouldn't I be freaking out at all the near-misses of not getting able to attend the party, and losing the girl? Yet, I wasn't.
We sat and drank for a while, and then we all went to the bartender's apartment. My girl and I made out on the couch, and she eventually invited me back to her apartment. "Just to sleep," she said.
We didn't just sleep, needless to say.
What was my mindset throughout this entire ordeal? Was I stressing wildly, constantly being on the precipice, about to lose this girl I'd already invested 30 or 40 minutes into?
No; quite the contrary. My thoughts the entire time were:
This is interesting. I wonder how this will play out?
I honestly didn't care if I got the girl or not.
This is what's referred to as "outcome independence," and it's a blessing when you can achieve it. Your first thought might be, "Well wait - how can you be any good at picking up if you don't care if you get a girl or not?" But it's not that you don't care if you pick up - it's that you don't care if you pick up this girl or not.
If you keep going out and meeting girls, you'll get one sooner or later. It's about taking the big picture view over the small picture view. What's that?
Small Picture View: "What happens right now is LIFE OR DEATH. I may NEVER get another chance!"
Big Picture View: "What happens right now is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I'll get what I want if I keep trying."
Now, this might sound like a difficult mindset to adopt. It isn't, though. You've just got to keep reminding yourself of it.
Every time you're out and you feel like you're about to panic because things aren't going as planned... remind yourself that you've got another however-many-decades-you've-got-left-to-live left, and that it's probably going to be okay. Remind yourself that you're constantly learning and growing and getting sharper, and that if you don't get a success right in this moment you're still honing your abilities and getting yourself ever-closer. Remind yourself that it isn't the small picture that matters; it's the big one.
Ironically, this big-picture focus helps you do better in the small picture, too.
How's it do that?
By freeing you to let go of the panic and fear that uncertainty in the small picture can make you feel.
I can't tell you how many times I've been out with some really cute girl and started feeling fear and uncertainty welling up, cautioning me to take things slowly, that I might lose this girl or scare her off, that I didn't really know the right thing to do... that refocusing myself on the big picture saved me with and got me the girl. Anytime you're in a situation that's in any way unfamiliar, refocusing on the big picture can save you from getting fazed.
And if there's anything that can kill a pick up or a seduction, it's in being unable to stay unfazed and either freezing up or doing rash, panicky things.
But what if mindset is too hard to adopt in the moment - what can you do instead to make sure you don't end up in situations that'll faze you?
How to Stay Unfazed: The Toolset
In addition to the mindset, there's a toolset you can adopt for staying unfazed, too.
I call it the "Don't Go Down the Wrong Path" toolset.
Just like in those choose-your-own-adventure books and games, after a while you can pick up patterns about which paths are likely to NOT be the right ones to go down and will end you up in Fazeville.
So how do you identify a "bad path?" As it turns out, bad paths have a few things in common - typically speaking, they all:
- Ask girls to put in work and effort
- Ask girls to think or decide on something
- Ask something irrelevant or annoying
- Ask girls to shift moods in an un-fun way
Sounds cryptic? I'll explain what I mean.
As you know from the posts on sprezzatura and the Law of Least Effort, women find most attractive and men find most powerful and respectable those men who exert visibly less effort and extract tangibly greater results than other men. And this isn't just true for human beings - observe any top lion, or gorilla, or animal of any kind that exists in social groups, and you'll see this same exact thing. The most powerful alpha male is always slow, relaxed, and in no hurry, while the males lower in social status move with more speed, use more effort to get the things they want, and achieve less impressive results.
There's good reason for this made selection and power dynamic that rests on the laws of effort: biological systems constantly seek greater efficiencies.
Efficiency in thought (the brain takes more shortcuts than you can shake a stick at).
Efficiency in movement (body systems tend to be adapted for the most efficient movement they can reasonably achieve).
Efficiency in behavior (behaviors tend to be optimized toward achieving results with as little excess energy expenditure as possible).
Nature wraps itself in a cloak of efficiency and optimization, and it's no wonder that females would select the most efficient males as the most desirable: they appear to be maximizing one of nature's most dearly valued traits of successful biological organisms.
And just as we're attracted to the most efficient mates (yes, men are affected by this too - e.g., most men are far more enamored with the slow-moving, calm girl who's dressed to the nines than they are the girl who's similarly dressed but walking and talking at a manic pace), as biological organisms we also want to optimize ourselves - to look more attractive and appear higher in social value, and to save ourselves doing unnecessary work, too.
Well, believe it or not, the things most women react poorly to that leave men feeling fazed tend to be almost universally things those men are doing that are making it easier for the woman to reject them than it is for her to accept them.
It's all about ease of use; about the path of least resistance. Make it easy for her, and you'll usually get the result you want; make it hard, and usually you won't.
This is why when it comes to telling girls what to do, I instruct guys to command women a lot more than I instruct them to ask women. In fact, unless you're really in the dog house with her, I'd advise you never to ask a girl to do anything.
Now, in conversation, you'll have to ask questions. But, there's a certain point you can pass where you've asked too many questions - you don't want to pass that point either.
Anyway, I promised you a toolset. What steps can you take to stay unfazed, even if you're still a little too trapped in the small picture right now (and hey, it still happens to the even best of us now and again)?
The following are my list of steps to take to make sure you stay unfazed and never end up in that confused No Man's Land where you don't know what to do next (other than awkwardly slink away hoping no one noticed):
- Don't open with questions unless
you know what you're doing. As in that example above. I'll use
"How's your night going?" to start conversations off in nightspots, but
I know what I'm going to say next no matter what she says. Ricardus is
a big fan of "Are you single?" - especially
during the daytime. But again, he knows what he's going to follow up
with, no matter whether she says "Yes," "No," or "What's it to you?"
It's fine to play around with these as you sort out your default answers and explore the possibilities, but if you're out on a mission and the mission isn't to learn, stay away from questions, which give women a wide range of possible responses and an opportunity to toss a potential rejection (if you fail to handle it properly) at you right off the bat.
- Don't follow up your opening
with a question, unless you opened very strong. Too many guys do
this, and women hate it and take it as a sign of uncertainty. Even
today, if I'm feeling a little rusty and fall into the trap of
following up an open with a question, this still results in a bad end
to an early interaction a startlingly high percent of the time. Women just don't like it.
What's an after-opener question look like? Well, just like the one in our example earlier in the post. What should you follow an opener up with? A statement. For instance: "How's your night going? [she responds; it's a sucky night] Well, that might actually be a good thing. [she's confused; "What do you mean?" she asks (now she's engaged)] Think about this: imagine every night you went out was amazing. Got that picture in your head? [she says she does] Okay. Now imagine how amazing you think every night is if every night's amazing. It gets old pretty fast, doesn't it? [she agrees] In other words... if you didn't have sucky nights, you'd never know it or appreciate it when you ended up having an amazing night."
- Don't ask too many questions.
How many is too many is going to depend on where in the interaction you
are. If you're opening, more than one question is usually too many. If
she seems interested, more than three in a row seems like too many. If
she's very interested and
you're well into a deep dive, you can go a lot
longer and it's okay (maybe six or seven-ish?). If
you've already used up your questions and she isn't getting into the
conversation, switch over to statements or expositions (like the
example we used in #2 above).
The thought behind those are basically, "Okay, she isn't biting. I've got to get her intrigued and contributing to the conversation more. Let's try a different route."
Those can take a little while to pick up, but once you've got them down they are a BOON. It's amazing how many seemingly cold-girls you can blow open with a path like that (for the record, that exposition in #2 is strongly NLP-based... I don't think or talk about NLP much, but if you integrate it with your conversation it's like hitting baseballs with I-beams).
- Don't make her do unnecessary
work. If it feels superfluous to ask her to do something, it is.
e.g., if you've got a good reason for having her hold your drink (you
want to show her something that'll take both of your hands), do it. If
you don't, though, you just look like a dick (although, caveat:
particularly with young girls, being an out-and-out dick can actually
be very effective - because they're not as attuned to the subtleties of
social dynamics yet, being more obvious about your dominance can be
more appealing). She should be investing, but all of her investment should feel
integral and necessary to the interaction.
- Don't make her tell you "no."
Ever ask a girl if she'd like to go home with you? Every time I've done
this, I immediately smacked myself on the forehead mentally. Idiot! I'd think. Due to social reasons, if you ask her to escalate the interaction
with you, she's usually going to say no.
She doesn't want to look easy... she doesn't want you to think she's easy... and she doesn't want to think she's easy
to herself, either.
This is why you command, not ask. Don't say, "Wanna get out of here?" Instead, say, "Let's get out of here." (actually, usually you'll want to be more subtle than that - e.g., "Let's go grab a nightcap and call it a night," but you get the point)
Those five items are your toolset for staying unfazed. If you follow them in conversation, you'll avoid most of the situations men end up fazed in.
Again, they are:
- Don't open with questions unless you know what you're doing
- Don't follow up your opening with a question, unless you asked very strong
- Don't ask too many questions
- Don't make her do unnecessary work
- Don't make her tell you "no"
Mix those in with a big picture mindset ("This particular girl doesn't matter so much as me refining my skill set and persisting until I find a girl I can pull everything off with right does"), and you're well on your way to being unfazed... pretty much all the time.
Of course, should some girl manage to faze you nonetheless, you might want to thank her - for exposing that hole in your game you now know you need to patch up!
And I'll see you again soon.