Tactics Tuesdays: Move Girls
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
If you've been reading this site a while, I'm sure you've seen me recommend again and again that you move girls to get them committed to the interaction with you.
You might have wondered exactly what that meant though, or exactly how to do it.
It's a surprisingly simple piece of advice - "move girls" - but it makes a huge difference in how your interactions go. In fact, it's hands down my favorite exercise to do with coaching clients. Typically we go out, work on a little basic opening, some initial conversation, and then, the meat - I tell a guy, "All right, next, I want you to start moving these girls."
I've seen this called "isolation" in some places, "extraction" in others. It's been given lots of longwinded technical explanations, like you need to move women in order to get them away from their friends, who'll interfere... or something like that.
This is not so. Friends don't make much of a difference. What DOES make a difference is getting girls to commit to talking with you - and following your lead.
And that's necessary for a couple of different reasons.
Why to Move Girls
Back when I first started going out to meet women in bars, nightclubs, cafeterias, and the like, it went well for a while, but I quickly hit a wall. For some reason, no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to get conversations with new women to progress beyond flirting, banter, and polite conversation.
I knew how to attract women, I reasoned. At least, they certainly seemed to be attracted enough.
But I just couldn't make anything happen.
And then I started asking girls to move with me.
It's a funny thing that the scariest part of trying to move girls is the fear that maybe this girl is going to say "no." You think to yourself that if you ask her to move, and she says no... well, it's pretty much dead at that point. You just asked for a pretty big heap of investment, and she said no, so precedent is now stacked against you. Game over, you lose.
So, you wait and wait and wait and nothing happens, and eventually she leaves on her own.
For this reason, anxiety about asking a girl to move - or about inviting her home, or about physical escalation - is very similar to the more general approach anxiety you hear so much about. In fact, I consider all of these bigger than approach anxiety - approach anxiety is just about getting you started.
All those other forms of anxiety are about getting you to finish.
The way I see it, the key moments a man fails with a woman who might like him are:
- He fails to talk to her (approach anxiety)
- He fails to move her
- He fails to invite her home
- He fails to make a move
- He fails to sleep with her
If you've got a girl who likes you, and you manage to talk to her, move her, invite her home, and physically escalate with her, you're probably going to end up together with her.
Most men don't fail with women because women don't want them, or because they just aren't attractive to women.
Most men fail with women because they just don't do anything.
Making Meeting Women a Zero-Sum Game
What's the difference between a polite conversation, and a conversation between two interested parties?
Commitment. Or, investment, or compliance. Call it what you may.
Let's say you'd like to buy a new phone, and you walk into two different phone stores. The following two scenarios occur:
- Scenario 1: you meet a phone salesperson who talks to you about what kind of phone you want, then shows you a book of pictures of different phone models, their descriptions, and their prices. He answers any questions you have, but offers nothing beyond this.
- Scenario 2: you meet a phone salesperson who talks to you about what kind of phone you want, then invites you to walk over to where the display models are. You go with him, and he hands you the phone he thinks sounds like it's most like what you told him you were looking for. He asks you if you'd like to get the phone today.
Which of those two salespeople are more likely to get your business?
Of course, the salesperson who's taking initiative and leading things toward his best possible outcome (your business) is the one who's most likely to achieve his desired end result.
For practical purposes, you can boil sales down to a zero-sum game: either you get the sale, or you don't (for realistic purposes, there can be other objectives too, but they're usually peripheral to the overarching goal). Meeting women is exactly like this.
Don't think so? Okay, which of these are you really, really hoping will happen when you meet a pretty new girl?:
- For her to think you'd make a wonderful friend
- For her to introduce you to her pals and include you in her circle
- For her to go home with you that night, go to bed with you, and possibly become your lover or girlfriend
It's probably that last one, right?
Well, if that's your goal, you need to approach it as such: make picking up women a zero-sum game.
That is, either you get the girl as your lover, or somebody else gets her and you don't.
And the instant you do that, it becomes a lot easier and a lot less anxiety-provoking to move girls.
How to Move Girls (and Get Them Invested in You)
Once you're looking at success with women as zero-sum, moving women becomes a lot more intuitive and a lot more necessary.
I'll share something I've found from my own experience: nothing ever happens with a woman if you can't get her to move with you.
I've asked a great deal of women to move with me in bars and nightclubs and the street, and in my earlier days I stuck it out with plenty of women who said "no." Findings? I can't recall a single girl I've ever slept with or even gotten a date with who refused moving with me (note: some women initially refuse but move with you after some cajoling; that's different from a hard, unbending "no"; see "Persuading Women").
Eventually, I came to this very simple understanding:
- If a girl likes you, she will move with you when you ask her to move in a one-on-one conversation with you
- If a girl won't move with you, she doesn't like you enough to commit to an interaction with you, which means it's time for you to move on
There are a few rules you need to follow to maximize your chance of getting a "yes" when going to move girls, of course. And here they are:
- Get in a one-on-one conversation with her first. While you can occasionally meet girls in groups, talk to a few of them, then suddenly turn to one you've been ignoring and tell her to move somewhere alone with you and have her say "yes," you stand a better chance of getting a "yes" out of her if you talk to her and build a little connection with her first (although, it's TONS of fun when you pull that first scenario off, and can at times lead to lightning-fast seductions).
- Meet the friends if she's in a group. Talk to her friends briefly before going to move her if at all possible. Remember not to break circle and don't spend a great deal of time being a social butterfly with her social circle (they're her circle, not yours; and you want everyone there, her included, to know that you're there for her, not to be chatty with her friends); but do at least exchange names and smiles with them before you drag her off into the darkness.
- Give her a time limit if she's in a hurry or occupied. If you're out in a bar, club, or lounge, you can usually skip giving any kind of time constraint. This also applies to relaxed daytime settings, like the beach or a park bench where she's not doing anything. If she's walking somewhere, reading something, typing on a laptop, or otherwise engaged however - you'll usually see this by day - give her a time constraint for moving her when you ask her. "Let's go sit for a few minutes. I won't keep you long, I realize you're busy, but I'd like to get to talk with you for a few before I let you get back to your stuff."
- Give yourself a deadline to ask. For me, it's usually "move a girl within 10 minutes of talking to her," in more relaxed settings; this deadline drops the more frenzied and chaotic the setting. So for instance, in a really loud, crazy party environment, it's more like, "move her within a minute of meeting her," because people are moving around so rapidly and you've got to lock things in the moment you meet a cool, pretty girl who likes you before she's pulled away by someone or something else. For very relaxed environments, like the beach, you'll often prefer to wait 15 or 20 minutes to move girls.
- Remember that one move doesn't mean your job is done. ... you've still got to take her home, you know! At the very least, you've got to trade phone numbers with her - preferably just after you sit, when she's prime to trade numbers because she's committing to you right then and a number isn't much more commitment, and because you'll be flush off of moving and having her commit so asking for a number then won't feel like too big of a deal. Either way, go for a number right away if you're not sure what you want, or set a deadline to pull her by if you know you intend to take her home. A good deadline is anywhere from 20 to 40 minutes if you're good at forming connections. If you're still learning, and aren't somewhere you'll have other things trying to pull her away, you can aim for up to 90 minutes. After that, things usually start going stale.
Once you start to move women with regularity, you'll notice (as I did) a sudden, dramatic surge in your success with them. And once you've got all four key transition points down:
- Talk to her
- Move her
- Invite her home
- Make a move on her
- Sleep with her
you'll look back and realize that, hey, this isn't nearly as hard as you thought it was.
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