Spell Broken: Big Mistakes That Shred Conversation

Think for a moment of a time you were talking to a pretty girl you'd just met. You started hitting it off -- things were going great. You took the conversation deeper and deeper -- getting to know her more and more. It felt like the two of you were bonding at this incredibly close level, and it kept getting closer. There was more and more magic... more and more chemistry... crazy amounts of electricity sparking in the air...

... then, suddenly, the spell was broken. It was like the two of you came up for air, then realized that you'd emerged back up at the surface and couldn't get back down to where you were before.

It was as if you'd awakened from a dream.

Then, try as you might, you couldn't get back into that dream again... and both of you knew it. The interaction with this girl -- this girl you'd been bonding and connecting with so deeply mere minutes before -- ended soon after.

It became too awkward to continue once it'd returned to that surface level of shallow conversation and superficiality, and she uncomfortably excused herself, telling you she had to go find her friends or that it was time for her to head home.

But you were close -- you knew you were. There was so much intensity between the two of you, until it just... evaporated.

Diving Too Deep... and Running Out of Air

Back when I first started developing the method of getting to know women that later became deep diving, this was something I frequently ran into.

I'd build these super deep connections with women, and they'd get deeper and deeper, until finally they'd... fall over, top-heavy.

It was maddening.

I've long prided myself though on not only my ability to break things down to their functional components, but also to "feel" when something's amiss, identify it, and course correct.

And what I could feel was happening, in these instances, was that I was taking conversations too deep.

I was over-diving, you might say.

In scuba diving, there's a condition known as decompression sickness -- or, more commonly, "the bends." It's what happens when you dive too deep, and rise too quickly -- it can really mess you up, and can even be fatal.

In conversational deep diving, our version of "the bends" is what happens when you end up "spell broken." You come up too fast out of a deep dive, and it's potentially fatal to your interaction.

I'll be honest, I'm not entirely sure why this happens. It's weird. I have some theories, but nothing you can't shake a stick at. Ultimately, all I can say is, you go too deep and stay down there too long, and eventually 99% of your interactions are going to break spell.

It might be because too much emotional intensity is draining on people, and they need a break from it.

It might be because you're struggling to continue this downward dive into ever deeper territory, and the girl "rebels" and resurfaces, and knows internally that she was the one who broke free from that emotional hold -- severing a lot of her investment in you.

Or it might be because it feels socially awkward -- much of being socially graceful is about helping others avoid awkward feeling situations, and the very fact that, by continually pressing to take things further, you end up putting a woman in an awkward position, communicates a lack of social grace, negatively impacting comfort and attraction.

Whatever the reason, having the spell broken is one of those things that can very firmly and reliably sever interactions at the jugular and quite often kill attraction even over the long term.

Get a girl's number that you've had break spell on you, and she likely even avoids meeting up with you again, or keeps it super friendly and neutral if she does.

How to Not Get Spell Broken: Managing the Flow

The thing that women refer to as "chemistry" or "magic" or "something just clicked" is what we refer to as a combination of attraction and connection. Deep diving is one of the ways we move quickly to cultivate such a connection.

It really is magical when you deftly move past small talk and get to really connecting on intimate topics and conversations. But the problem is getting yanked back out into cold reality and having the spell break.

Fortunately, there are a number of readily identifiable causes of spell breaking that you can start working to eliminate right away.

1. Forgetting to lighten the mood. The problem with taking things heavy is that it becomes emotionally burdensome after a time. People don't want to be stuck in a spiral of increasingly deep emotions -- it can be almost overwhelming. To prevent women rebelling against too deep emotions, you should be actively using humor lightly sprinkled into your interactions to prevent the conversation from getting too top heavy with meaningfulness.
   
   Women aren't most attracted to men who get to know them super well and that's it. Women are most attracted to men who get to know them super well... and make the process quite exciting, enjoyable, and refreshing. Most guys try to either get to know women, without making it a good experience (thus, women rebelling and breaking spell), or try to make things exciting and enjoyable without actually getting to know a woman. No good.
   
   Here's an example of lightening the mood:
   
   

   Girl: ... and when I stopped and looked at how much time I was spending doing work I really didn't want to do, that's when I started realizing that I was never meant to be an accountant.

   Guy: Which is when you went and launched a business selling owls online, right?

   Girl: [laughs] No, not exactly...

   Guy: Really? Ah, wrong again. Well, what'd you end up doing then?

   Girl: Well, at first I wasn't quite ready to quit my job, so I...

   You should be able to feel quite easily how much this little, harmless crack in there lightens the mood while not interrupting the flow of the conversation. Note also that there's nothing in there that might possibly be considered an insult to the girl; it's extremely important you don't say anything that could be construed as an attack when she's opening up to you. That'll derail the deep dive and quite possibly send her into auto-rejection.
   
   
2. Not changing topics when a subject's been exhausted. One thing I've noticed lots of newer guys do in their conversations with women is they get stuck on a topic, and keep trying to explore it more even when it's already been thoroughly explored and the girl is clearly ready to move on. The problem with getting hung up on topics is that it starts feeling awkward for the girl -- she doesn't want to talk about this anymore. This can cause the spell to break quite fast.
   
   How to know when a topic's been exhausted? Run through this checklist:
   
   • Are you discussing boring stuff?
   • Have you already discussed the most interesting things about a topic?
   • Does it feel like you ought to be talking about something else?
   
   If you answer "yes" to any of those, it's time to get things in gear and keep the conversation moving. Check out the post on being a conversationalist for more on that.
   
   
3. Getting into a debate or trying to be persuasive about subjective, inconsequential stuff. This is one of the most destructive things you can do when it comes to attracting women, but lots of guys do it anyway. Like so:
   
   

   Guy: Yeah, soul is cool, for sure, but you know what's REALLY awesome? Punk rock music. There's so much passion and nuance in it that there's really no comparison.

   Girl: Really? I've never really liked punk all that much. It's a little too whiney for me.

   Guy: No way! Punk's the best! How can you not like punk music?

   Girl: It just doesn't appeal to me, I don't know.

   Guy: Man... I'm going to need to introduce you to some good punk. I'll bet I can get you to change your mind. It's really almost high art when you listen to the better songs.

   Girl: I guess, it just isn't something I was ever able to get into.

   Getting into an exchange like this will get you spell broken faster than you'll be able to realize what happened. Debates and persuasions about inconsequential things (things unrelated to the two of you becoming lovers) will unravel attraction so quick it'll make your head go numb. Avoid this like the plague.
   
   
4. Criticizing her or shooting down her ideas or opinions. I alluded to this one at the end of #2, but basically, if you want to shut down a connection and kick a woman rudely back to the surface of the connecting pool, criticizing her is fastest and most reliable way to do it -- even faster than debating and persuading over inconsequential things. Example:
   
   

   Girl: I've always thought that if I can get my art gallery up and running, I'll never have to worry about being a starving artist again.

   Guy: I don't really think an art gallery is too great an idea to try and make money off of. Many of them make very little money, and it's common to see them close not long after opening.

   Ouch. That's uncalled for. And it's exactly opposite what a seductive, romantic man who's very interested in her is going to discuss. He's there to make her feel good and lead her to physical intimacy, not to assess and critique her dreams and tell her what's a good idea and what isn't. This is one of those things that men who are still too caught up in having logical, fact-exchanging conversations with a woman do that leave them scratching their heads wondering why she lost interest.
   

All of those are the things that, if you get caught doing them, are very likely to break the spell in a hurry and end both you and your girl up in an awkward, floundering conversation, wondering what happened and why the connection was lost.

If you keep your nose clean and remember to keep things light, change topics at the appropriate times, avoid arguments or debates, and refrain from criticizing a girl or her ideas, you'll insure yourself against having the spell get broken -- and you'll do a far better job of building a strong, stable connection with women.

And if you've read this far, you really owe it to yourself to get on my exclusive newsletter and get a lot more insights like this delivered straight to your inbox, so you never miss a thing. I'll start you off with my free report, "The Unconventional Guide To Phone Number Success" -- which you really shouldn't lose out on getting a copy of. You can sign up using the form below:

See you on here again soon.

Chase Amante