PeaceInHeart, a reader of GC, writes in with a question about a girl he is sleeping with who is fairly restricted in her sexual expression:
“I want to know is there any way to open up her nasty side or change her attitude?
How can I help her to open up?”
It's a pretty common problem to have when you start a sexual relationship with a girl; you're not sure how to push things in the direction of the sexual behaviours that you prefer.
Whether your preference is for missionary only, outdoor-sex or bondage, getting a girl on the same page as you sexually is something that many guys find confounding, yet mighty rewarding to pull off.
The benefits of a healthy sexual relationship can reach far further than sexual satisfaction itself. Being in a solid sexual relationship tends to permeate the whole relationship and tincture it with a positive and understanding energy.
It's not without it's downsides (depending on what you want) - a sexually awakened girl is also a sexually curious girl, and that can sometimes mean curious about things outside your relationship, too.
However, if you're doing things right, and your girl isn't a
completely sex crazy maniac with a through-the-roof libido, a sexual
awakening is very worth achieving, and a very good thing for both of
Assuming you're here because you want to learn how to kick off your girl's awakening, follow the tips in this article and you'll be on your way to one sexually fulfilling relationship.
Girls' objections to sexual expression can come from a few different directions. These include:
Their religions – This one kinda goes without saying. Bigger religions tend not to be liberal on the sexual expression front. If a girl has had a religious upbringing, expect her to have some sexually-limiting frames in her head.
Their families – This tends to go with religiosity in a family, but it's not always the case.
Their friends – Girls who have friends who aren't sexually expressive themselves will offer judgement to those who are. This means that girls will often have to worry what their friends will think of them if they were to do something outside of their social group norm.
General sociocultural conditioning – There is a consensus in many cultures that female sexual expression should be limited. And that women who are more sexually expressive should be less respected. Girls can get labelled all kinds of things if word gets out about them doing something kinky. The Madonna/Whore complex (which I'll go into below) plays into this.
Past boyfriends/hook-ups – This can be the most powerful. Her past sexual relations can have massive implications for what a girl has done and will do. Judgement by a sex partner puts a big brake on sexual exploration. Fortunately, it also means as her sex partner you're in the best position to change her attitude. That's what this article is all about.
Lack of sexual experience – You can't know you like a steak-dinner if you've never tried a steak-dinner. Girls who haven't experienced a lot don't really have a definitive idea of what they're more partial to in sexual terms. They're also much more susceptible to all of the above factors impacting on their view of sex.
Generally speaking, any one of the these things, or a combination of them, may have conspired to keep your girl in her sexually-restricted little box.
Now let's go through how to break her free from that box.
First we must identify if we hold any of the above prejudices
Do you believe if a girl expresses herself sexually it makes her less respectable?
Do you believe if a girl has a particular dirty fantasy (say, being with two guys at once) it makes her less respectable?
Do you believe in the dichotomy of a guy being treated encouragingly and a girl being treated like a slut if they've a desire to be promiscuous?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, or to any of a similar ilk, then you may be the one standing in the way of getting into a deeper sexual relationship with a girl.
If that is the case then you need to realise that ALL girls have sexual desires and fantasies, just as you do.
I can remember a number of years ago a friend saying to me upon hearing that a girl had asked to be cummed on during sex, “Ohhh, what a slut... you wouldn't get a girlfriend who would say that would ya?”
Obviously I didn't tell him that my girlfriend of the time had asked me to come in her mouth in the days before. I wonder what he would have thought of that...
What I've just illustrated in my small anecdote above is something colloquially called the Madonna/Whore complex. And it usually goes hand-in-hand with the attitude that would have answered yes to my above questions.
The M/W complex is the perception that many guys have that there are girls out there who are 'sluts', who would be sexually promiscuous given the opportunity and who have wild fantasies, but then there are girls who aren't like that. To them, these girls are girlfriend material.
If you are that person, which I'm sure most of you aren't, I hate to break it to you, but your 'angel' fantasises about putting another guys member in her mouth.
She fantasises about sex with another girl, with two guys... or whatever her particular fantasies may be.
She's got a big interest in sex and the only thing that stops her from showing it to an individual with a M/W complex is the judgement and expectation he offers her.
Which brings me to my next point; girls will show you what your attitude encourages them to show you.
If you have a M/W complex then you'll probably perceive that as reality because those girls you deem 'non-sluts' and treat as such will only show you the sanitised version of their sexuality, while to a guy like me they'll tell all manner of kinky things.
There is one more belief that will curtail your ability to coax the sexual side out of your partner and yourself: that girls don't like 'dirty' sex.
This is a corollary to the M/W complex. You want your girl to do 'dirty' things but you don't believe she'll like it because of societal conditioning that says she thinks sex should be 'loving, soft and romantic' or something along those lines. But that's bollocks.
Doesn't mean you can't have loving sex (in fact, I really like that kind), but given the right environment, every girl becomes sexually expressive, loves and wants sex and will be willing to explore.
If you do have any of these conditionings, don't get down on yourself. I've been there.
My very first girlfriend when I was 16. I got wind of a few of her previous sexual exploits from some mutual friends, and they killed me. Not only because I was insanely jealous... but because it was stuff that I'd never done with her myself.
I noticed only later that she didn't let me do that stuff with her because I had a Madonna/Whore complex and was judgemental of those sexually expressive acts.
We eventually worked ourselves into a much more sexually open relationship, so hurray for me.
So now that we've come to grips with any negative conditioning we may have had swirling about in our brain, let's continue with how to sexually awaken our partner.
Don't Be Judgemental
The surest way to keep a girl locked down in her limited sexual world is to be judgemental.
We've identified that the main difference between men and women in sexual expression is that women have a much more powerful confluence of factors weighing down on their attempts to express it.
You're to be the release faucet for that pent up sexual energy.
You're to let all those worries drop from her mind.
If you do this right a girl will love you for it. Especially if it's the first time she's ever been able to express herself in this way.
How do you begin to do that? By not being judgemental. Here's a quick list on how to do that:
When she talks of sex or her past experiences, no matter what she says, never respond in a judgemental manner
Never speak crassly of other girls who express themselves sexually; remove the word 'slut' from your vocabulary
When you talk about sex, always be comfortable
Speak honestly of your own preferences in the bedroom, whatever they may be
Be completely open in regards to your own sexuality
If you do these five simple things a girl will begin to become extremely comfortable discussing sex with you. You'll start the process of getting her to drop a lot of the negative conditioning she's received throughout her whole life.
This paves the way for a natural sexual relationship steeped in exploration.
Encourage Her Sexual Awakening
This next step can be really powerful. A lot of girls will never have had anyone encourage their sexuality before, and if you do so, you'll set yourself apart from most guys on the planet.
This technique is a M/W complex killer and will do away with the conditioning on her behalf, too.
As noted earlier, girls will show you what your attitude encourages them to show you.
One of the biggest fears a girl has is that you will judge her if she shows her sexuality and rule her out as girlfriend material. That's her side of keeping up the M/W lie.
You need to show her that is not the case. You can do that by not being judgemental, but to take it one step further you should encourage her sexuality.
How do we do that? Here're a few pointers:
Whenever she speaks of sex/tells a sex story utter words of encourage such as 'that sounds hot' or 'that's awesome' etc.
Convey to women that even if they are sexually expressive with you it doesn't mean you will respect them any less
Explain to your girl your understanding of the Madonna/Whore complex and the societal conditioning limiting women's sexual expression
In your already non-judgemental environment, encourage her to talk of her fantasies
As you go down her sexual-fantasy rabbit hole, continually encourage her with positive interest... it's important here that you remain comfortable and non-judgemental because some of the fantasies out of seemingly 'innocent' girls' mouths may surprise you
That's all you need to do for this. It's very simple, but it's an environment rarely offered a girl and she'll usually relish it. She'll often feel like she's telling you things that she's never told anyone.
Adding in a New Sexual Experience
In your talk about sexual fantasies she will likely have coaxed you into divulging yours. In fact, a really nice way to get her more comfortable to share hers is to share some of your own.
At this stage it means that she is already aware that you have the preference for a particular sexual behaviour. So you've essentially seeded the thought of the two of you doing it already.
But to bring it right out into the open, you can ask her following your fantasy to expose whether she has done anything like that before or has thought about it. Example:
You: [telling her about bondage fantasy]
Her: “Bondage, huh?”
You: “Yep, it's a time and a place kind of thing though. And you definitely need trust... and soft ties, ha... Ever done it?”
She will then proceed to tell you whether she has. If she hasn't or doesn't sound interested, don't fret. The thought has been seeded and a frame you can set will help you two get into an open frame of mind.
The frame is: we're two people who have wonderful, social-boundary-shattering sex.
This frame will come somewhat naturally if you've done all of the above encouraging and non-judgement but you can help it along by framing the two of you divulging your innermost sexual desires as being indicative of your sexual liberation.
You don't necessarily have to seed the idea of the particular sexual behaviour beforehand, but it's important to set that frame.
If you do want to introduce something new then the best time to try it is in the midst of passion, when both of you are horny.
Try it out and if she goes for it give her positive feedback:
Before: 'It would be so hot if you x' or 'it would make me so hard if you y'
During: 'That's so hot' or 'You look so sexy when you x' and
After: 'It was so hot when you x, y or z' or 'You made me so hard when you a, b or c'
One of the most powerful aphrodisiacs for men and women alike is the feeling that they are turning their sex partner on. And the great thing is that it tends to rebound back and forth between the two of you.
What I mean by that is you
getting turned on (and showing it) by
something your girl is doing makes her
turned on, and in turn seeing
her get turned on makes you even more turned on, and so on and so forth.
That's when you have that really crazy altered-state sex where there is no thought. It's all just action. If you've had it before you know what I'm talking about.
If she doesn't go for it straight away then be gently assertive and try again. If she doesn't go for it after that then back off, be comfortable with her decision and don't give her stress about it.
There's plenty more time to work up to it if you're having good sex. Try again next time and endeavour to make her feel good about it.
Add Things Incrementally
If you're reading this thinking that you're going to have upside-down, outdoors sex strapped to a windmill with a girl who has little sexual experience after having one non-judgemental, encouraging conversation about her sexuality then you gotta put the brakes on.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Sometimes breaking down the conditioning of a lifetime takes a little time. Be patient and take things at a pace she's comfortable with.
This is particularly for girls who aren't sexually experienced. They won't know what they like, so introducing them to things slowly is the best way to go.
I can remember this one time I was having a conversation with a few friends of mine. There was a girl there who wasn't sexually experienced who I'd had my eye on, and the conversation turned to sex. Somehow rimjobs got brought up (let's be honest, I probably brought it up) and I said that I liked giving them to girls. She was incredulous, but I remained unperturbed.
A week later I was having sex with her. And a few weeks after that I was giving her a rimjob in the shower.
Moral of the story. I didn't judge myself for my sexual predilections and made her comfortable in hers. I set a frame of us being sexual explorers and in a bit of time she was doing something she thought she'd never do. And she was excited about it. And she loved it.
On the flip side, you'll have girls who have already had lots of experience in the kinky things they like but were hiding them for fear of being judged. Once you show you aren't judgemental and encourage them in their kinkiness things should be more free in the bedroom relatively quickly.
Lead and Use Masculine Dominance
The masculine-feminine energy polarity manifests most strongly in the bedroom. If that sounds like gobbledygook, then humour me.
The natural sexual energy of a female is one of submission and of giving over control. She wants to submit to the right man.
The natural sexual energy of a man is one of dominance and taking control. He will make the right woman submit.
I've bedded a lot of women and there were a rare few that liked to take control, though they were also the ones that liked to be dominated the hardest when the tables were turned.
Now, I'm not saying you need to be into bondage or anything like that
to draw this out.
All you need to do is project your male sexual energy by leading confidently and taking control of the situation.
You'll find, if you do that, women will become more turned on and will be more open to sexual suggestion from you, resulting in a furthering of sexual exploration for both of you.
This is the last piece of the puzzle but should permeate all your sexual interactions with women, from first contact to post-sex.
Let's do a wrap up on sexual awakening:
Women have a confluence of factors limiting their ability to be sexually expressive, including: religion, family, friends, general societal conditioning, past boyfriends and lack of sexual experience
To start the process of sexual awakening, remove yourself of your own negative conditioning in regards to the Madonna/Whore complex and any other negative perceptions you may have about women's sexuality
Continue this path by being non-judgemental when discussing all things sex with women
Encourage a girl to discuss her sexuality and fantasies by giving her an environment of positive interest
When discussing fantasies, divulge your own to seed the idea of doing them with her and frame the two of you as a two-person team of sexual explorers
When trying a new thing sexually, attempt it at the height of passion and give positive feedback before, during and after
If a girl doesn't go for it you can try again another time
Add things incrementally, particularly for girls who are less sexually experienced
Lead with dominant, masculine energy and take control of the situation in the bedroom, it makes your partner more open to sexual suggestion
The sexual awakening process is really powerful if used correctly and can enhance your sexual relationships tenfold. It can also help form a really nice bond between the girl you're having sex with and may very well lead her to the best sex she's had in her life.
'Til next time,