“Sexting. In most of your texting blog posts, you claim to keep texting to a bare minimum. Do you engage in sexting at all, or does it go against your mantra of "busy men don't have time to text?" If you do... maybe a blog post on this would be fun? ;)”
Chase has said he doesn't indulge in sexting himself, but as he knows there's some interest in the topic, he asked me if I wouldn't mind tackling it.
Now there's a fun and interesting topic.
So, sexting. Somewhat taboo, but taboo things are intriguing... and I feel pretty well suited to write on this taboo. The only person who is more fit to write this particular article is probably Anthony Weiner.
... but, since he’s not available to write for our site, you'll just have to make do with my guide on the subject.
Read on, and I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about the phenomenon of sexting with girls - including whether it's worth your time (or not).
A little while back, I found myself texting a girl from social circle that I'd finally managed to physically escalate with after two years of chasing and missed opportunities. She was a pretty conservative girl (at least I thought she was) who was very religious, intelligent and generally wholesome.
But that we were having a fairly serious text conversation that went quite differently this night. This conversation went something (roughly) like this:
Her: I really appreciate the fact that you took it really slow in the beginning and didn’t try to push anything with me [note her setting the frame of "It's nice that you're a nice guy... keep being that way"]
Me: It’s funny that you say that, because when I asked to kiss you [if you haven't guessed, this girl dated from back before I knew anything about women - I asked her if I could kiss her... ay caramba] not only did you say no, but you started dating Gary the next day. [note my reply of "Yeah, I tried that nice guy thing before - look how that worked out the first time"]
Her: I was just confused, okay? And he was easy… I just didn’t know what would happen between us.
Me: I feel you. But, you know, I’m pretty sure that it’s impossible to get a girl’s loyalty unless you’ve hooked up with her ;)
Her: That’s not true! Lol. Some of us just take time.
Me: Really? So, when did you ask me out on a date?
Her: Um…after Marv's Halloween party I guess…
Me: Right. After I decided that I was tired of this nonsense, and I took you in the side room and slammed you up against the wall, and started kissing you.
Her: Hah… I remember that. I really liked that…
Me: Oh yea? How much did you like it?
And after this point, wouldn't you guess it, but she sent me several paragraphs of very explicit details of not only how much she liked that night, but what she wanted to do then and there.
Now, at that point, I had sexted quite a bit. But only with girls I had serious relationships with and while one of us would be out of town.
I never thought that a wholesome girl I had gotten physical with once (I hadn’t even slept with her) would be so unbelievably lustful. It was another of those turning point moments. I started wondering, how many women secretly think like this? How many women secretly do this?
A Brief History of Explicit Communication
Forms of discreet romantic communications have existed since human beings formed society. Before we had modern communication, people wrote love letters. And I’m sure before that cavemen had discreet ways of telling women of their desire for them (or… maybe not so discreet).
Unfortunately there is still a large percentage of men that don’t understand that women love sex. They don’t understand that women are just as sexual as men.
More importantly, even more don’t fully understand the level of social pressure that women are constantly under. For each and every woman, social status is everything. So anyone who tries to lower a woman’s status – be it a man or even another woman – will be quickly rebuffed and disregarded, even if the person had good intentions.
Women are constantly in a struggle between fulfilling their sexual desires and maintaining their social reputation.
That’s where discreet forms of sexual expression come in.
That’s where the “love” letter (outside of marriage) started.
That’s why women love reading erotic literature.
And in the 20th Century, that’s where the all-too-famous phone sex came from. Women could communicate their sexual desires to their lovers without any risk of social status.
The Unique Problem of Sexting
And then came the camera phone and the smartphone. What a wonderful invention for people who wanted to express their desires!
They didn’t just have to listen to each other voices, but they could inconspicuously read texts wherever they were, and they could know send visual aids in the form of naughty picture and video messages.
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, unlike phone sex, the evidence of your extracurricular activities doesn’t go away when you’re done. And that’s exactly how Mr. Weiner got burned. If a woman sends a man a sexy text/photo/video, she has just put her trust and confidence in that man to not share the photo etc. with anyone else privately and of course to not post it on the Internet.
And thus is the crux of sexting - can she trust you with her text and images and video or not? There is just a whole new level of risk for the woman (and the man as well).
I will say now that sexting successfully requires a large expenditure of effort. Usually just the effort to actually do it – to swap texts/photos, wait for replies, read, etc. is very time consuming. And this doesn’t factor in the time that it will almost always take to get a girl warmed up and in the mood.
I will also add that while I've used to a lot of sexting, it is comparatively more difficult to sext with a girl whom you haven’t slept with or at least gotten physical with.
You're going to be doing a lot of work, for, frequently, little (or
no) payout when using this with women you aren't already in a sexual
relationship with - but, if you're interested in exploring this option
option's sake, or because you just want to play around with it and have
fun... then here we go.
When Sexting is Useful
There are some times when sexting can prove useful to a man. Let’s look at the main situations in which this is the case:
You are dead tired from your day, and have no energy to visit a girl or to go out and find new ones
You’re bored at work or running errands and you need something to spice things up
You want to make a certain girl’s day a bit more interesting
You want to gauge how sexual a certain girl is
There are some other more minor ones, but those are the general situations in which you will take advantage of these activities.
Additionally, there are generally only four (4) relational scenarios with a girl in which you will be sexting:
You are actually in a committed or semi-committed relationship with a girl and are separated from her for one reason or another
You have already been physical with a girl and are not in a position to see her in person
You have swapped numbers with a girl you’ve met, and she is the kind of girl who just enjoys sexting with men as a sort of extended flirtation and self-validation (these girl are rarer, but they do exist)
You have swapped numbers with a girl you’ve met, you gave off a sexy vibe and you use sexting as a tool to let her know exactly what to expect when she next sees you, and get her excited to get physical
It’s this last scenario that I want to focus on the most. Sending a risqué text or two and seeing if a girl bites can be a good way to get her excited and even anxious to be physical with you. But your success with this method will greatly depend on everything you do before you even type the first word.
is because before you can sext with a girl, you have to get her number
at some point. Not only do you have to get her number, but as I
mentioned earlier, it is of the
utmost importance that you
come off as a sexy
It doesn’t matter why she gave you her number, if you don’t come off as a sexy man, she is going to write you off as creepy, shallow or awkward for sexting her.
You won't be the kind of man she's happy to receive a sext from.
Also, you must always respect a girl’s privacy. Sure, you can talk about it with your friends if you really want, but don’t do anything that could damage her reputation. Keep it classy.
Now that we have the foundation down, let’s get to the actual process. You can’t just jump the gun and get right to sexting unless she was dying to jump into bed with you when you last saw her. Usually what you will have to do is build rapport with the girl while slowly throwing in sexual comments here and there.
Now let's look at a quick example; imagine this is the beginning of a text conversation:
You: Hey Jen, how did your week turn out... was it as crazy as you predicted?
Her: Hey! Haha my boss was out of his mind and they said my car is going to be really expensive to fix. And my hair was frizzed out…but nothing like a quiet night to relax and unwind!
You: Well, at least crazy things keep life interesting. But, you should probably eat some chocolate. That always makes a girl feel better, right?
Her: Haha yes! And I’m way ahead of you! I’m already curled up with a pint of rocky road lol
You: Boom. Nothing like a nice night to yourself. Though, I have no idea what you do when no one is looking ;)
Now, at this point it can go one of two ways:
She will catch on, laugh, and banter with you a little bit.
She will catch on, give you a non-sexual answer, and keep the conversation more on the platonic side.
In the second case, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s not interested, but more that she is not fully sold on being sexual with you over text if you haven’t taken her to bed. You can try a few more comments (which just solidifies your role as a sexual man), and if she doesn’t bite, you didn’t really hurt yourself, and in many cases, you can still get her out to meet you in person.
If you find that she is bantering with you, after a few more banter texts, you can continue to escalate, like so:
You: Well, too bad you don’t have a strong man to keep you company ;)
Her: Hmm…I don’t know if you could handle all the excitement happening over here :)
You: I’d take my chances. I’ve always been told I’m adventurous. I could tell you what would happen if I was there right now. But I’m not sure if *you* could handle it..
Her: Well, why don’t you try me…
At this point I would hope you would know what to do from here.
Just use your imagination and set the tone.
Escalation via Sexting
I once knew a man who would use sexting as a quick escalation method for taking women to bed the same night.
Essentially, after swapping numbers with a girl, he would send her one raunchy text or emoticon. He had his fundamentals down solid, she would usually laugh, and every once in a while, it would lead to him taking her to bed.
Even still, the process of just meeting women and going through the normal steps usually proved much more effective and a better use of his time.
Sexting is fun, but it isn't efficient.
I've personally never run into this problem with girls I didn't want anything serious with, but for many guys sexting with girls they've taken to bed can cause problems. After you've slept with a girl, you should not sext with her too often.
No more than once every couple of weeks (if that), I would say.
If you do it too often, it sends the wrong message, and unless you have a really chill girl, she will begin to slot you in boyfriend territory and you run the risk of hurting her if the boyfriend role wasn't your aim.
So, unless you are very good about managing relationship expectations, keep your sexting seldom.
you’ve read the article about breaking porn addiction and being
with real women instead, you
understand the perspective of the writers on this site on using devices
for pleasure - that is, that these
just don't measure up to the real thing.
These days, I almost never sext, because it’s much more worth it to just meet women in person and try to escalate with them. It’s much more satisfying, too. Why sext with a girl, when you can take her to bed instead?
But every once in a while, it can still be a great way to spice up your day and have a little fun. And you now have the tools to make it happen... should the mood strike you.
Just don't get so caught up in the virtual world of sexting and
imagining that you miss out on experiencing her in the flesh, and
you'll be all right.