Many guys think that all women want a man who knows how to make a girl laugh… and that is not entirely false.
However, the importance of cracking jokes and making girls laugh when picking up on them is FAR overstated… and in fact, trying to do this can actually HURT you and make you LESS sexually attractive to women.
How can this be, though? So many women will tell you that a sense of humor is one of the most attractive traits a man can possess! On the surface, it doesn’t seem to make sense at ALL.
As so often is the case, however, the truth about what’s REALLY going on in the human mating game is not obvious; it’s counter-intuitive and hidden deep beneath the surface.
The good news: this means that you can drop most of what you used to do in an attempt to be funny on the approach. You can let it all go overnight and never worry about it again, once you understand the following truth:
Getting strong emotional reactions out of girls on the approach, making them all giggly and going out of your way to make a girl laugh, means nothing at all.
I’m sure you’re probably scratching your head right about now…
Stay with me, and let’s shed some light on this topic.
Two Approaches – Two Vibes
You can approach a girl directly or indirectly… i.e. you can either start a normal conversation without showing interest in her, or you can tip your hand from the start.
My friends who have seen me do indirect approaches on girls usually comment that it never looks like a pickup. It doesn’t stand out too much from whatever else is going on around me… and it shouldn’t.
To bystanders, it should seem like a normal conversation, and in fact the biggest compliment you can receive is this: “You knew these girls before, right? It looked like you guys were old friends reconnecting.”
And when you open direct, you should ALSO just start a normal conversation with the girl – in fact even more so, because after a direct opener you can go right into building rapport.
The direct approach itself usually makes enough of an impact to create all the attraction you need… if it is executed well.
The Strange Paradox When You Make a Girl Laugh
I don't go 1 for 1 when I approach girls… I get blown out sometimes. I also don't get a lot of laughter and giggling and spiked emotions out of the girls right away.
I get laid VERY regularly though.
A good friend of mine on the other hand, gets a foot in the door with EVERY girl he approaches.
He's one of the funniest guys I know. It's insane… I don't know that I've ever seen him get blown out.
But he mostly gets numbers from girls under 20 with this act, and he hardly ever gets laid. He spent two months in my city a while ago and we went out together a lot… and he didn’t end up sleeping with even a single girl.
If you see him talk to women, you will be thoroughly impressed – the girls always like his approach.
But if you see him go home alone, you won't be that amazed anymore.
Girls don’t feign over the comedian on stage… they feign over the humorless rock star. Being on stage is not enough to get groupies.
What Seduction REALLY Is
There is a rule in dating science that has been around for many years now: “You need to build comfort with a girl, and the seduction game is really played during that time.”
You need to be able to have a nice, smooth conversation with her, where you can set frames and present the relationship as sexual.
Get into a good rhythm with the girl.
You have to share your identity and your background, and get to know hers, so that the two of you can feel like you know each other (this isn’t always necessary... but with many girls, it is).
You must not be afraid to show vulnerability, and get to know a girl on a deeper level.
You need to be qualifying women… you need to make sure she knows you like her, and why.
What you do NOT need to do is entertain girls and become the court jester... only throw entertaining pieces at them where you need to, because the vibe is about to die down.
A good rule to follow is this: evoke laughter and strong emotional responses as little as possible, and as much as necessary.
Do funny guys get laid?
But if they do, it’s because they’re good at building comfort with the girls they meet... Not because they're funny.
Sexual ornamentation - peacocking - is what every species develops to attract the opposite sex. The most famous example is the peacock’s tail – it serves no purpose whatsoever, other than to attract females.
Deer have antlers, parrots have huge beaks, and humans have… are you ready for this?
That’s right… the human brain serves, among other things, as sexual ornamentation… but it’s internal. We are one of the first species on the planet whose mating adornments have moved INSIDE of us.
In fact, we have both external and internal sexual ornamentation. In human males, their muscles are an example of the external ways they signal replication value, and their brains are one of the internal ways.
Now here’s the kicker:
Inward sexual ornamentation by itself does NOTHING!
That’s why the nerd never got laid in high school, even though he probably had the biggest brain of everybody in his year.
That’s also why being a musician alone doesn’t get you laid – you actually need to be a successful musician, or aspiring to success… so it’s really the social status and being driven that triggers the attraction, not the music.
And working to make a girl laugh is your brain showing off its power to be funny… it’s internal sexual ornamentation. It’s peacocking. It can enhance your ability to get girls, but only if used sparingly… and it won’t get you laid on its own.
Again, girls don’t throw their panties into the circus ring for the clown… they throw them at powerful, masculine men with electric guitars, who actually often have a pretty gloomy and grim look on their faces!
So It’s Bad to Make a Girl Laugh?
I have fun and laugh around with my girls as well, that's not what I'm getting at.
I'm talking about getting the girls all wound up and giggly when you approach them in order to get their attention.
“Look at me, look how funny I am. I can roll over too, and if you throw a ball I’ll fetch it.”
Some guys start throwing a million funny lines and teases and role plays at her just to get her laughing. And these are the most impressive pickups to watch, because the girls get really into the jokes.
The problem is, that doesn’t necessarily mean they get into the GUY… everybody I know who does that style of game doesn't get laid a whole lot.
The question is – WHY does this happen?
How in the world could being funny actually hurt your chances with a girl?
Well, for one thing, it frames you as the entertainer… rather than the masculine, smooth, charismatic and sexual man she fantasizes about.
But what’s more, it destroys sexual tension!
There are two kinds of laughter: people laugh because something is funny, but they also laugh to diffuse tension.
There are also two kinds of tensions – social tension, and sexual tension.
And this is the crux: MOST laughter is NOT in response to something funny... but an unconscious response to TENSION. It lets the air out of a tense situation the way a needle pops a balloon.
You do not want this!
In the context of picking up girls, tension is your FRIEND… both social tension on the approach, as well as sexual tension when you escalate physically with a girl.
Learn to be comfortable with silence, with prolonged eye contact, with breaking rapport and even with confrontation... because all of these situations can be TENSE.
The ability to be comfortable with that is arousing to women… because it demonstrates a strong psychology, and that you’re able to cope with social pressure.
Her Laughter Ruined Everything!
Many years ago, I was dating a girl who was unbelievably beautiful.
I was temping as bellboy at a five star hotel at the time, and when she came to pick me up from my shift, all the big shot rich, successful guys stared at me because they couldn’t believe their eyes… how in the world could this bombshell go for a bellboy instead of one of them?
(The answer can be found all over this blog, by the way.)
But the problem was, she had been brought up in a strict Catholic family and was very religious and sexually repressed.
I was the second guy she ever had sex with, and she was still quite uncomfortable with her own sexuality… and the sexual tension in the bedroom always caused her to… crack JOKES, and giggle in bed as if sex was something funny!
She did that unconsciously, of course... and she was actually really funny. It certainly made me laugh… and it also diffused the sexual tension that she was so uncomfortable with.
However, it also diffused my hard-on!
Hmmm… not so good!
Here’s the point:
Human mating is BASED on tension - and laughter is based on BREAKING tension. It is the OPPOSITE of sexuality.
Want proof? Try to masturbate while watching standup comedy or South Park… you can’t do it!
And the fact that tension breaks when we laugh is why we don't want our attraction game to be based on laughter and giggles as the centerpiece.
You can use it, but sparingly.
Just keep repeating to yourself: Don’t be the court jester. Don’t be the court jester. Don’t… you get the idea.
How to DEEPEN Her Sexual Trance
There is one exception to all of the above, however – and that is a concept called FRACTIONATION.
In NLP and hypnosis, fractionation means that you take somebody out of an emotional state you want them to be in, just to put them right back under IMMEDIATELY. The second time, the state will be stronger.
So if sexual tension is the state you want her to experience, you can use laughter sparingly to break the tension for an instant… only to go right back into the tension as soon as the laughter ebbs off.
This time, the tense state will be even deeper.
Think of it as a sexual trance that you can trigger like the push of a button, and that you can dial up at will.
DO say funny things here and there throughout your interaction with her, but don’t let it be your bread-and-butter.
See the post on chase framing for more on this.
A lot of “dating gurus” who give “pickup advice” teach their students a bunch of funny lines and routines that they can use to go out and get strong emotional responses from women RIGHT AWAY.
And that can be good to build some confidence… to anybody who has so far been invisible to women, it feels good to suddenly get women he’s never met before laughing on cue.
However, this can be an insidious trap: remember my friend I mentioned earlier, who never gets rejected because he’s so funny that all girls want to talk to him… but who also never gets laid?
The problem is that the emotional validation this kind of approach gives can actually be ADDICTIVE… and even though my friend understands the concept of sexual tension and how laughter breaks it, he just can’t help himself.
He keeps feeding his ego by pushing the buttons that will make a girl laugh… he’s getting positive responses and making himself feel good, but he ain’t getting no love!
It can become a very hard habit to break… a crutch you use to learn how to walk will only hold you back in the long run. Once your legs are strong enough without it, you will be able to walk much faster if you just let it go.
So, Funny Guys Never Get Laid?
That would be an exaggeration… I don’t think that making girls laugh stops you from getting laid, and it’s not detrimental in and of itself. However, take this article as encouragement to be a bit more conscious of the emotions you evoke in girls!
Look specifically at how girls respond to the funny things you say… do they become more SEXUALLY engaged… or are they just giggling in a non-sexual way, like grade-schoolers?
Also, avoid being the “dancing monkey” who talks about devils and angels and powerpuff girls and psychics and all that confetti that is sometimes taught as “dating advice for men” that takes you in every direction other than that of being a sexy man.
Girls don't perceive funny men to be sexy... they perceive them to be entertaining. That creates attention, but not attraction. (If a funny man has something else going for him beyond the funny, he can be sexy TOO though.)
You might even start to become really strategic and make the friends of the girl you want laugh a lot, but not her.
Or, you could spike a lot of laughter in girls that you want to recruit as wing-girls or for social proof.
Then when you talk to the girl you really want, however, keep up that magic tension!
I’ve brought this up with some of my female friends, and most of them agreed… that guys who really go out of their ways to make a girl laugh a lot are often perceived more as the “just friends” type.
One girl also said that if a guy says a lot of funny things off the bat, she often assumes that he memorized everything he says beforehand, which makes him look somewhat try-hard.
Straight from the horse’s mouth.
So scrap clever, cut out the excessive humor, and focus on some connection-building instead. And, go practice… the best way to improve your dating skills is by talking to women.
Onward and upward,