Making a Girl Jealous: Dos and Don'ts
Wouldn't it be great to have the girl you want green-eyed with envy and madly competing for you?
It'd be awesome... right?
Well, as you know, there are two sides to every coin. On the one side you have the oftentimes huge spike in attraction and investment you gain from a girl when she realizes she's jealous over you.
And on the other side... you risk becoming too aloof, too hard to get, and losing her altogether.
But, no risk, no reward, as they say. Learning how to make a girl jealous can be another mighty weapon in your seducer's arsenal. If you're not careful though, it can be a weapon you end up using with devastating effect... on yourself.
My intention here is to walk you through the mechanics of jealousy, using jealously plotlines to drive attraction and investment, and walking the tightrope between making girls chase you and sending them off ablaze in search of vengeance and validation.
As with any powerful technique, I must of course warn you... caveat emptor. Proceed here at your own discretion -- and at your own risk.
The Mechanics of Jealousy
"Love sees sharply; hatred sees even more sharp. But jealousy sees the sharpest -- for it is love and hate at the same time."
~ Arab proverb
Jealousy's a fascinating emotion. I've studied it rather closely over the course of my life -- it's a mighty changer of emotions and even life paths.
The ability to elicit strong emotions is the nuclear power of seduction: capable of lighting up a city (when used judiciously) or of razing one (when used clumsily or vengefully).
If I had to define jealousy in under 10 words, I'd define it thus:
Jealousy is wanting control where one has it not.
As such, certain kinds of individuals are more susceptible to it than others. Namely, those who like control and/or are accustomed to being in control.
You can quickly see how jealousy could be big for beautiful, high status women.
The way jealousy works is basically like this:
- When someone you think ought to want you very much seems preoccupied with someone else, you begin to want to regain that person's attentions
- When someone you like seems preoccupied with someone else, you begin to fear losing them, and pursue them harder
If you're familiar with the basic tenets of investment, it works thus: the more time, emotion, and energy you spend on something, the more invested in it you become, and the more and more highly you come to value it.
When you become jealous over a girl -- or she becomes jealous over you -- the desire to have that which you're jealous about very quickly escalates how much you value that person.
For that reason, we might say jealousy can supercharge attraction.
But there's a catch -- make someone too jealous, and she won't be able to handle not having what she wants (you), and instead will strike off to hurt you back and show you what you're missing out on by not being with her.
Enter something I call the "Jealousy Scale":
Obviously, the X, or horizontal, axis is the degree of jealousy; lesser to the left, greater to the right.
The vertical Y axis, though, is a little more curious: we might call it attraction, though the kinds of attraction at the opposite ends of the scale are of completely different natures: one is disinterest, while the other is disdain.
This is because of how amounts of jealousy affect people's emotions.
You might notice this isn't a standard bell curve distribution. It's a soft, gradual arc up to attraction; but a pretty precipitous drop off into the abyss of stone-hearted resentment if you go past the peak. I'll offer the disclaimer that this is based purely on my own experiences and countless anecdotes I've come across and had shared with me, but jealousy seems to work very much like this:
- On the far left of the curve, a woman has no feelings about a man and he is unvalued.
- A little more to the right, she begins to feel some stirrings of possessiveness, and is rather invested and interested in him.
- At the peak of the curve, she's very possessive and jealous about him, and feels a strong degree of attraction and is given to pursuit.
- Past that peak though, as jealousy builds to an even greater extent, she becomes resentful and disdainful of this man, and wishes to hurt him and exact revenge -- or at the very least be rid of his presence.
So actually, the two ends of the curve are qualitatively different.
The opposite of love is not hate. It's disinterest. Therefore, emotions trend increasingly strong to the right the greater the emotion gets -- but those emotions cross a threshold from being very good for the seducer to being very bad.
You can use jealousy to move women out of disinterest and into interest, and even ramp things up to the point where girls are chasing you. But you must be aware that making a girl jealous is playing with fire -- and overdoing it means there's a very good chance you might end up getting burned.
When Making a Girl Jealous Backfires
I'll tell you a quick story so you know what I mean.
Back in mid-2006, when I was still pretty green, I was going through a phase of seeing how fast I could physically escalate with girls in nightclubs. I was getting two-minute make-outs and that sort of thing. It wasn't particularly effective at getting girls to come home with me, but it was fun.
One girl I met one night I had on the dance floor with me and had my hands under her bra and in her panties within seven minutes of meeting her, and we were making out heavily.
"I have a really interesting ceiling at home," I told her. "I think you should come see it."
"Okay," she said. We headed for the door, but just as we were about to exit, her friends appeared out of nowhere to snatch her away. "Call me!" she cried.
I called her and texted her a few times the next week, but of course, she didn't answer my calls and she didn't text back.
The very next weekend, however, I ran into her and three of her girlfriends at the very same nightclub. She seemed only lukewarm toward me, so I decided to get her friends attracted to me. I'd run a jealousy plotline.
I started talking to her friends, and they all liked me. Soon she warmed up to me too. She even began competing for my attention. But, I decided to really ramp up her attraction, and largely ignored her to continue talking to her friends. This went on for about ten minutes -- but, then, I noticed she'd stopped paying me any attention. So at last, I turned my focus onto her.
She was ice cold.
"You know," she told me, "if you like someone, you should try talking to her." Then she turned and walked off, and I didn't ever see her again.
I'd overdone the jealousy and sent her into auto-rejection.
I've seen scads of guys doing this again and again. A friend of mine was doing it quite a lot, recently; he's a pretty cool and sexy guy, and he was already getting pretty solid attraction from girls, but he just felt like he always needed more, so he'd spin off from girls to go meet new girls to show the ones whom he'd been talking to previously how strong and successful and non-needy and desirable he was.
And it just kept on backfiring on him. The girls who were crazy about him earlier would end up making out with other guys in front of him, even going home with other guys, sometimes while staring at him explicitly as if to say, "This is what you're missing out on."
He did such a good job creating jealousy in these girls that he pushed them past that ledge, and they descended rapidly into auto-rejection. Filled with resentment, they did whatever they could to show him the error of his ways.
"I don't get it," he remarked, "these girls seem to really like me, and then they just act so cold and heartless later on!"
I pointed out to him that their actions were actually reactions to his actions, and he started scaling back the jealousy he'd previously been inspiring so much of. The change he saw was more or less immediate -- as soon as he took it a little easier on the jealousy plotlines.
When Making a Girl Jealous Works
I'll tell you one more story.
I was out one night in a lounge with a group of people, including a girl I'd slept with a few weeks earlier who was all over me at the lounge, and another girl I was interested in. A tall, beautiful girl I'd told to come showed up just as I was leaving with some of that group, and stroked my face lustily as I walked out.
At the next party I and some of the folks from that lounge ended up at, I turned things around with a girl who earlier was ice cold to me (she ended up giving me her phone number), all the while chatting up another girl who was cute but seemed more or less indifferent to me and had been there at the lounge earlier and come with us all to the party.
About 2 AM, I got a phone call from that tall, beautiful girl asking me to come to her apartment, but I, in my drunken stupor, instantly forgot her address and asked her to repeat it, and she, worried I'd get in an accident, refused to give it to me again. We debated my drunkenness for about 30 minutes on the phone, but I never did manage to get her to repeat her address.
Meanwhile, that cute, indifferent girl had born witness to all of this, me charming one girl after another, and gradually warmed up to me more and more. After I got off the phone with the girl who'd invited me to her apartment, I had another drink with the formerly indifferent girl -- and then we went back to my place and I took her to bed.
Her seeing me with those other girls shook her out of her apathy for me, and made her start seeing me as somebody desirable to be with. At the beginning of the night, I'd been at the far left of the scale -- not valued.
But on the weight primarily of a handful of jealousy plotlines throughout the night (with a little deep diving on the side), I moved up to somewhere between somewhat interested and intensely interested, and we ended up becoming lovers. I doubt I would've ended up with that particular girl without the attention from the other girls I received before her.
So, as it turns out, while making a girl jealous can be dangerous, it can also be highly beneficial toward your seductions. Because of that, this is something to play around with as a beginner, and something to really look to implement at least somewhat seriously once you're at an intermediate level.
How to Make a Girl Jealous
Usually I try to stay away from posting anything that might remotely be construed as "being manipulative." I like to operate from the light side of the force whenever and wherever possible.
This is just one of those things though that there's really no way I can talk about it without sounding like I'm telling guys to be manipulative, though. Ah well. Can't win 'em all.
In any event, before anyone starts pointing fingers about it, compare these Google searches:
Ladies, if you don't want us talking about this, all I can say here is... you started it.
Women are the masters of jealousy plotlines. Most of what I know about how to make someone else jealous I learned from watching club queens who were experts at working the nightclub scene. Girls are good at this; it's one of their premiere social control tools.
As they say though, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, and what works here for women works for men as well.
What's great is, we can sift it all down to a few essential steps to get you off and running and get girls going a little crazier for you and chasing you a little harder. So, without any further ado, here's how to make a girl jealous:
- Talk to her a little first to wet her appetite. It's very difficult to make a girl jealous who's never met you before. She has to at least know who you are and like you a little bit (usually) before a jealousy plotline begins to kick in. Banter with her a bit, build some rapport, and generally just be your usual attractive self for at least a few minutes.
- Make subtle, casual conversation with a girl near her. The keys here are threefold: subtle, casual, and near her. These keys are essential to minding the Law of Least Effort and ensuring that your social maneuverings appear effortless and natural. I made the mistakes early on of awkwardly shifting gears to talk to new women, or striking out to search the entire venue for another girl to meet, often out of eye- and ear-shot, which didn't do very much for inspiring jealousy.
- Again, mind the subtlety. This one is important enough that I'm listing it out here again. What just about every guy does wrong here is make his flirting with a girl overt. But if she liked you when you talked earlier, flirting overtly is almost always going to be too much. You'll trigger too much jealousy in her, and push her into auto-rejection. Women aren't superheroes; they feel jealousy and uncertainty and worry just like everyone else. Letting her see you talking to another girl is more than enough most of the time; she doesn't need to see the two of you becoming bosom buddies too.
- Make it short. This is another common mistake, and one I was as guilty of as anyone else: turning a jealousy plotline into a full-blown seduction. You're trying to move things forward with Girl A, not Girl B. Don't lose sight of which girl you're there for. Get in, make some casual conversation with Girl B, and then, after four or five minutes, end it and get back to the girl you're there for. Too much longer and you risk losing her.
One of the credos I live by when it comes to meeting and succeeding with women is "keep your eye on the ball," and that's just as important when it comes to making girls jealous as it is with anything else. Run your jealousy plotline, but don't forget the main reason you're there -- to move things forward with the girl you like. And you can't do that while you're talking with someone else.
So, don't be afraid to use jealousy as a tool with girls who are only lukewarm in their interest to you, but be very careful about overdoing it with girls who already like you.
In fact, that's your top indicator for when to use jealousy and when not to:
- Use jealousy with girls who are lukewarm or not all that interested in you or invested
- Don't use it with girls who already like you a lot. Instead, focus on moving things forward with those girls with speed and decisiveness
Stick to that plan, and you'll be a heart-stealing, jealousy-inspiring lady killer in no time. Just remember that it's staying on the tightrope that makes all the difference.
Get Your FREE eBook on Texting Girls
Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook "How to Text Girls" FREE. Learn more ...