Knowing When to Break Up with a Girl

break up with a girlBreaking up with a girl is quite often one of the toughest things you'll do. It involves cleaving yourself from someone else you've likely grown quite close to, and have quite possibly been with for a long time and shared a lot of experiences with.

It's often said that the end of a long-term relationship can have the same emotional impact on someone as the death of a loved one. It can be that strong.

So it's no wonder that most people have a really hard time breaking up -- and that relationships frequently limp on long after they should've finished. Instead, people wait, and put the decision off, hoping that somehow, it'll just take care of itself.

It never does, of course. What I'm going to talk about with you today, then, is how you recognize the signs that it's time for you to break up with a girl.


Relationships: The Path from Great to Ghastly

I'll start off by saying this: relationships almost always end poorly.

Unless the two of you get hitched and stay hitched until the day one of you dies, your relationships with women are always going to flame out in fire and agony when they end, typically. And they tend to go one of two ways:

  • The man does the breaking up. His now ex-girlfriend gets upset and needy and pleas ("We can make it work!") begging him to reconsider and not dump her.
  • The woman does the breaking up. Her now ex-boyfriend gets upset and needy and pleas ("We can make it work!") begging her to reconsider and not dump him.

That's pretty much how it goes. One person does the breaking up, and the other one struggles to hold on. The funny thing is, the relationship can clearly be on its way out, and the person being broken up with would be much happier out of the relationship, but he or she will fight to save it anyway (often only to do the breaking up him or herself a little later on if the save is then successful).

We'll talk about why this happens in a little bit.

Before we do, I want to spend a little time talking about the signs that your relationship is failing, so you know when to break up with a girl.

So, a guy I learned some from and corresponded with a bit in the past used to say, "New love is true love." And it really, really is. Think how passionate, wild, and blissful things have been at the start of any of the relationships you've had, and you know what I'm talking about. The best part of a relationship is the first 90 days, when the passion is young and the two of you are still exploring each other and learning about each other and it all feels so exciting and uncertain and fresh.

Then comes acclimation, and with it commences the point of the relationship where women change men -- or at least try to. They try to tame men and tie them down into more committed relationships.

Usually somewhere in here, either the problems with women and drama become too great and things end, or, alternatively, men start to buckle and give in to women's demands and they pass the commitment point and their woman start losing respect for them and both parties become increasingly unfulfilled in the relationship.

In other words, for all men except those who've honed their relationship management skills to a razor edge, relationships either flame out because the man refuses to be tamed, or they fizzle out because the man complies.

We're going to cover both of these scenarios in this article pretty extensively, so that no matter what point you're at with a girl, you'll know how to read the signs it's time for things to end. I'll divide them into two varieties: untamed (the man who staunchly maintains his independence) and tamed (the man who sacrifices freedom in exchange for perceived peace and stability). Each man has a somewhat road to breaking up -- but the signs that the end is near, quite often, are the same.

break up with a girl


When to Break Up with a Girl

Because his is rather less pleasant than the untamed man's break up process, let's look at how things go for the domesticated man.

By tamed or domesticated, I'm referring to a man who's allowed his woman to "break" him; he does what she asks him to, bends or breaks his rules and schedules to comply with her, and frequently and consistently supplicates to women.

Most men fall into this kind of relationship, so don't be too embarrassed if you've realized that's where you are. Women actively work to domesticate men -- the compulsion to do so stems from a very deep drive for security that all people, and particularly all women, possess -- and without active preventative tactics, it's pretty much impossible for a man to avoid this unless he has a really dynamic, activity-filled life.

A brief illustration of the tamed man's relationship progression:

Beginning (blissful) break up with a girl Taming (fraught) break up with a girl Boredom (grinding) break up with a girl End (painful)

The relationship starts off the same way most do, with happiness, fun, contentment, and often even bliss. This is the "new love is true love" part.

Next comes the taming. That's when women begin to push men for more and more concessions; they want their boyfriends to stop going out on boys' nights out; stop seeing their friends; stop doing things without them; see them more often, do more for them, and invest an ever-increasing amount in them and their relationship.

Once a woman's tamed her boyfriend or husband though, the challenge dries up, and with it goes the excitement. Suddenly, things become boring, unchallenging, and predictable with him, and she begins to long for the excitement of early in the relationship... before she'd tamed him.

Finally, after growing increasingly bored and annoyed, she'll begin to long for freedom again, and either ends the relationship then and there, or ends up sleeping with another, more exciting man, which often precipitates the end of the relationship on its own.

Generally speaking, as a tamed man in the end stage of your relationship, you'll want to break up once you start seeing these signs often enough:

  • Coldness. She's cold, aloof, and disinterested in her lover. She acts as though he's an annoyance and that he's wasting her time or is otherwise not worth being around very much.
  • Disrespect. Signs of disrespect include failing to comply when her lover gives her a request or a command; insulting him; explicitly doing things she knows he does not like; and talking bad about him to friends and others.
  • Negligence. Things like failing to make her lover food, to take care of him, to be affectionate and loving, to be warm and feminine.
  • Disappearances. When she's disappearing and her lover isn't completely sure where she's going, it's a very bad sign.
  • Evasiveness. Particularly regarding where she's going and whom she's spending her time with. If her man can tell she's uncomfortable answering, it's because it's something she doesn't want him to know about because she knows he won't like it.
  • Partying separately. This one's probably the clearest sign that the end is near a man can get. If a woman's partying without him, it isn't because she just likes hanging out with the girls and it's special girl time or something. Why do people cheat? It's because of opportunity. And going into a party location with booze and horny men and girlfriends who will egg you on is about as great an opportunity to stray from a relationship as there can possibly be.

    When a woman is partying without her boyfriend, he needs to break up with her. Even if her intentions aren't to find another man, sooner or later, no matter how vigilant she usually is, she'll be angry at him or she'll be a little too drunk or the perfect man will come along -- and she will stray. And once she's strayed, the relationship will have been forever tarnished -- and her ability to respect him and treat him as a man she looks up to, admires, and feels passion and devotion for will have been forever lost.

Once a man starts seeing these signs, it's time to end the relationship. Is it possible to save things? Perhaps. But, as a teacher of mine put it a long time ago, relationships are like a clay pot: they're soft and moldable at the outset, but then they set and harden. And once they've hardened, you can't shape them anymore.

Continuing with that same analogy, you can seal up a crack in a vase like you can seal up a crack in a relationship, but the crack will always be there and it will always be a weakness. If you want a strong, beautiful vase (or relationship), your best bet is to get some new clay (a new girl) and start over from scratch -- and this time, do things right.

So if you ask me, once you start seeing the signs that a relationship is failing -- yes, I know it's hard to break up. You've invested a great deal of time in one another; if you're anywhere other than in absolute abundance mentality, you're going to fear that maybe you'll never find such a great girl again.

But if you're improving yourself all the time -- looks, fashion sense, fundamentals, conversational ability, sensuality, all that jazz -- you will. It's only the men who fail to advance themselves who don't.

Now, how about for the untamed man?

Well, the untamed man has a relatively shorter relationship progression cycle. His goes like this:

Beginning (blissful) break up with a girl Taming attempts (annoying) break up with a girl End (relieving)

His is so much shorter because once the woman starts trying to tame him, he gets annoyed at the constant drama, and, typically, ends the relationship himself without the problems tamed men encounter.

However, the untamed man can also struggle through the taming attempts, resisting them and countering them, and eventually he ends up encountering the same cold withdrawal-style behavior when his girlfriend realizes she can't get what she wants from him, though for different reasons.

Women get cold as they bore of the tamed man and resent him for relinquishing his ability to attract them, but they enter auto-rejection with untamed men for being unable to get the kind of capitulation they were working for.

The end results look the same on the surface -- all those signs that it's time to break up with a girl we went over -- though the flavor is different: bored women with tamed men are dismissive and annoyed with their men, while auto-rejecting with untamed men are vengeful and angry with their men.

The moral of the story is, keep your finger on the pulse of your relationship. When you catch some of these signs early -- a little coldness here, a little disrespect there, some negligence -- it isn't too late to save things. Check out the post on growth in relationships for more on how to turn things around before it's too late.

Typically though, once you've gotten enough of these signs, it's time to be honest with yourself and be honest with your girl and admit that neither of you is happy any longer and it's time for things to end. It's a tough process to go through, but once it's done you'll both be glad it's ended and you can move on to pursue something that really makes you happy.


Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, great job on this blog and everything you write on here. It is some of the most insightful, honest, and detailed work on social relations with women that I have ever seen. I didn't know that knowledge to this degree could ever be available, and I wish I had found this information years ago.

What I want to know is, how does one decide, when they have the means to support such a relationship, move into a marriage relationship and prevent these same two things from occurring? For indeed, many marriages follow this same pattern. First bliss, and then either the man becomes tame (and the woman loses respect for the man), or he refuses to be tamed (and she resents him). Thus.....we observe the divorce rate, and are not surprised.

Is a permanent, positive relationship of this nature with a woman even possible? And how would one discover a way to go about doing that?

Anonymous's picture

preach it. my girl partied without me without me knowing where she was. then she slept at his house.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

Love your work, Ive been reading many of your posts the last 2 days.
Your eye for detail and insights are very valuable, and I thank you for sharing them.
There is this girl I have been with for a year and a half now
she really tried to domesticate me hard after the 3rd week already.
I complied and we started the relationship.
Now I broke up the relationship in december, because I was having doubts about how long we should still stay together, and felt like I had to make a decision.
I guess I felt trapped in the relationship somehow. For a week or 2 after the breakup I was a complete mess.

Now in January we agreed to try again slowly, but she was pushing for exclusivity between us, to which I never really complied.

Now she wants a decision on my part, either to commit to her exclusively or to break up. (Also I forgot most of the reasons I had when I broke up with her in december.)

Now that she's ready to walk away I'm more drawn towards her and thinking like I maybe should not give up on her (she is very pretty, she is in love with me, I like her, and feel some kind of love for her) i'm feeling like im stuck in a dilemma. To give up my freedom, or to give her up.

This is my first long term relationship, and this is the hardest decision I ever had to make in my life.

Anyways im stuck and cannot decide.

Anonymous's picture

Break up with her man, she's already giving you ultimatums and thats reason enough to tell her to hit the road. If you give in to her and become exclusive she will continue to give you ultimatums to get what she wants. Before you know it you'll be on a leash. Plus the fact that she is forcing you to choose means your not really that into it, I mean if you really were wouldn't you have chosen to date her on your own? You know what you have to do, good luck man.

smax's picture


My girl who I was with for over a year now, often says to me she wants to go on girl nights out which invole drinking and going night clubs.if all her friends are going and no guys what am I supposed to say, not let her go out with friends?
Like I hate when she goes out, I know guys on the dancefloor come over to her but I guess been in a relationship is all about trust and I just got to believe she won't cheat, right?

Transcendant's picture

So I followed ur advice and it seems she still has it in for her EX. Yet she still wants us to be friends... Is that advisable cause it sounds ridiculous -_-

Anonymous's picture

Hi, the story is, is that me and this girl I've been seeing for 6 months have ended up apart because I've moved away to attain a better career oppurtunity, the result of this being that even though we still see each other once a month and are in contact with each other every day I feel like its unfair on her for us to pursue this relationship when she has the oppurtunity to be in a happy relationship with someone who she can see everyday .. I just want to know if I should break up with her, thanks

Wally's picture

I will stick to untamed because the one that really is down for you wont leave you for doing what you want. This blog was incredibly insightful, i would like to thank you for this very clear knowledge that i now have.

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