How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?

do looks matterLately, a friend of mine has been bringing up a recently acquired belief that looks are everything, and everything else is nothing, when it comes to meeting and picking up women. I've avoided being drawn into the debate as best I can, but any time I mention anything women-related, I've been hearing it from him: “Oh, I don't even listen to that, because the only thing that matters is looks.”

Disagreeing with him gets one told one is in denial, and he cites a few examples of very good looking friends of his who get better results with women than anybody else he knows as evidence that only good looking guys can get good looking girls.

I've refrained from weighing in too much on this until now, because I understand why he's thinking this way and why he's trying to convince everyone that looks are all that matters. But I felt like the topic is a good one, and that it'd make for good article fodder and be something worth addressing here. The topic being:

Do looks matter to women, and if so how much?

And the answer I've got for you here will almost certainly surprise you, no matter which side of the fence you fell on prior to reading this.

do looks matter

From a young age, I realized that I had a curious deficit: I was unable to tell what was attractive in anything other than women.

I could tell with girls - I could tell you this girl was pretty, and this girl was not - but I couldn't tell you that a pit bull was cuter than a border collie, for instance, or that this baby was cuter than that one.

And I also couldn't tell which men were more attractive than other men.

It applied to myself, too.

Eventually I learned certain features that make some dogs more attractive than others, or some babies cuter than others. But I've never quite been able to figure it out with men. Every time I think I've spotted a specific feature that good-looking men all have in common, someone points me to a man with that feature that they claim is ugly. I'm left flummoxed when it comes to men's looks.

As such, I've gone through most of my life completely ignorant about men's looks. Fashion sense and hairstyles I can only discover what looks good by monitoring others' reactions and trying them out myself and seeing how the reactions I get from women differ.

Growing up, I long heard that women didn't care so much about looks, and as I couldn't see any difference in attractiveness between men, I assumed that unless a guy was horribly physically deformed, he was probably about the same as most other guys when it came to looks. The only men I assumed were VERY attractive were Hollywood movie stars.

But when I heard someone comment that Jim Carrey was pretty ordinary looking when I was about fifteen years old, it was shocking for me. I'd simply assumed that just as the women in Hollywood are all more or less at least pretty cute, so must be true of the men. Not so, people told me. I'd had no idea.

Learning About Meeting Girls

In 2006, I dramatically dialed up my commitment to learning how to get girls. As a result of this, I soon began hanging out with the men around me who were the best I knew at getting girls.

I learned - only much later after meeting each of them - that these guys were pretty much across the board considered very handsome. Not being able to tell myself, I assumed they must be better looking than I was, because girlfriends would tell me they "wished I looked like they did." Which was fine with me - I felt quite excited to be able to learn from guys who were better looking than I was. Here was a guy with an innate advantage, who almost certainly got an earlier start than I did, was getting laid like crazy, and probably had way more experience than almost anyone else I'd ever meet.


I never spent much time learning from people in the pickup community, simply because it was hard for me to find men there who were getting the kinds of results I was interested in. I did find some - and I learned some amazing things from them.

But some of my greatest teachers were these men the guys there called "naturals" - guys who'd never studied "game," aside from whatever they picked up talking to women themselves, and yet had slept with hundreds of women and had tremendous amounts of success at young ages.

And there were two things I noticed in common with all of my "natural" friends who were doing exceptionally well with women:

  1. They were all uncommonly good looking, and

  2. They all had uncommonly good "game"

Thus, a chicken-and-egg problem emerged: what came first - the good looks, or the good game?

Because, as you no doubt realize, looks and game are both things that can be massively tweaked.

Playing with Looks

For some reason I don't quite understand, there are a lot of men who hold that looks are fixed and there's nothing you can do about them. Au contraire.

I'm going to use female examples here, because I can tell good looks from not with women but not men. I'm assuming there are some guys reading this who are like me and "disabled" in the "reading men's attractiveness" zone too, so we'll use women's attractiveness as a proxy for talking about men's.

Have a look at these three women's faces:

do looks matter

Try and imagine them without makeup - no lipstick to make their lips look glossy, no mascara to make their eyelashes look full, no eyeliner to make their eyelids stand out, no foundation to make their skin look smooth, no plucking of their eyebrows to make their eyebrows look slim and svelte and sharp.

Imagine them too with their mouths not closed in a pouty look, or not slightly ajar in sexual poses; their eyelids not half open in sultry expressions. Try and imagine what these girls look like at work, in business suits, with professional hairstyles, in fluorescent cubicle lighting, in their gray workspaces.

Would any of them qualify there as "hot"?

Not really, right? They look pretty ordinary, don't they?

The girl on the left... her jawline is a bit too rounded. Her face almost looks fat. The girl in the middle has a nose that's too pointy, and a sort of shark-like look about her face. The girl on the right just has unexceptional looks - her cheeks sag a bit, and her nose has somewhat of a bulbous point.

All of them are cute, at best - and certainly not gorgeous.

They are, you might say, average girls with makeup on and plucked eyebrows and sexy facial expressions.

But what do you think if you look at them like this?:

do looks matter

Wow! Really hot... right?

What changed?

I'm sure you have a good idea, but before we go more into it, here's one more example:

do looks matter

That's the face of Florence Colgate, the winner out of 8,000 applicants to a contest that examined facial proportions to select the most scientifically beautiful female face in the whole of England.

You may or may not find her personally attractive - I have some friends who say they don't like her look at all. Personally, it's the perfect look for me - the girlfriend I had at the time this article came out even had a face nearly identical to Florence's. I sent out the picture of this girl next to the picture of my girlfriend to all of my friends then and said, wow, look at this, according to science my gal's at the top of the scientific beauty chart. (bragging rights, I suppose)

If you believe that friend of mine, of course, I can't get a girl like that girlfriend of mine, since I'm certainly not #1 in the male looks department. And I certainly can't get a girl like that girlfriend of mine for a one-night stand - even though that was, indeed, exactly how I got her. Apparently, I'm making the impossible possible. But am I really doing anything exceptional? More on that in just a moment - let's keep talking about playing with looks.

Back to Florence Colgate.

Now here's Florence - that same girl who won the most beautiful face contest - at her day job:

do looks matterNot quite the same stunning features as in the first picture, right?

Almost hard to believe they're even the same person, isn't it?

The point I want to make here with these images is this: physical attractiveness is about a great deal more than just your raw set of genes.

Yes, there are limitations. Steve Buscemi is never going to look like Fabio, no matter how hard he tries.

And there is something to symmetry and jaw structure - we're going to look at some of the science on these below.

But, after studying women's attractiveness quite extensively, I can tell you that what I've found on this is a lot more similar to what I thought the case was before I ever really became all that aware of looks.

That is to say, that unless you're incredibly, unbelievably ugly, with the right hairstyle, fashion, attention to your face and body, and use of facial expressions, you can make yourself just about as attractive as you care to make yourself.

Even if looks matter... looks are pliable.

Your 10 is Not a 10

I noticed something a long time ago, when I first started paying attention to the pickup community.

The guys who rated girls' looks on a 1 to 10 scale NEVER got their "10s." I talked about this back in 2009 in "How to Get Perfect "10" Girls": the very first point of that article was this - stop rating girls on a 1 to 10 scale! So long as she's a "10" for you, you will never get her. Never. She's out of your league.

You place yourself in a hierarchy of looks when you use a 1 to 10 scale. I struggled more with beautiful women in the brief amount of time I adopted a 1 to 10 scale for rating women's looks than at any time before or since. It's hierarchical thinking, and there are always people "above" you and "below" you.

If she's below you on the looks scale, you expect her to work to get you, and get angry if she gives you more resistance than you think she should. After all, you're better looking than her, and thus higher value. According to you, anyway... never mind the fact that this is a 100% subjective valuation.

If she's above you on the looks scale, however, you subconsciously place her on a pedestal, and you act differently around her, put an inordinate amount of pressure on her, and you treat her differently than you do other girls.

She may or may not think she's better looking than you. But she can absolutely tell if you think she's better looking - and thus higher value - than you are.

When you do it this way, there are two ways you treat women: there's how you treat really HOT girls... and how you treat all the rest.

When I moved to Southern California in mid 2007, the women were more attractive than what I was used to, and I struggled for a little while to get up to speed. The first thing I did was throw out the point scale. The next thing I did was to train myself to stop consciously assessing women's beauty AT ALL, and to simply just go for whatever girls I found most attractive.

The transition was gradual and largely unnoticed, and I hadn't even noticed this working until one day, at a social event in early 2009, after I'd been talking to this girl who really liked me for a little while, I suddenly realized, holy crap, this girl is absolutely breathtakingly GORGEOUS! I hadn't even noticed it. She had a perfect face, a perfect body, the slinkiest, most seductive bright red dress you've ever seen, and was probably the most beautiful woman I'd seen in months, and I was going out meeting loads of new women regularly.

I hadn't even realized it.

And the moment I did realize it, I started valuing her more highly, I started treating her a little differently, and all the attention and attraction she'd been giving to me before dried up... and she moved on to go talk with (and flirt with) someone else.

Someone, most likely, who was more immune to her beauty than I, at the time, was.

Good-Looking Folks and Their Results

I had a couple of very good-looking (so I'm told) male friends in Southern California, and met a few others. Each of these guys was dating women far less attractive than the women I was dating. This wasn't just my opinion - other people said it too.

On the whole, they were sleeping with more women than I was at the time - they were racking up higher notch counts more quickly than me. But the girls they were sleeping with and keeping around left something to be desired in the looks department. In fact, they'd throw girls my way who were "their" types of girls, and all I could say was, "No thanks, man!"

I was apprenticing under them, but I didn't want to be exactly like them.

About half of the very good looking men I met struggled with women. Girls who weren't all that cute would approach them, and give them signals, but they'd miss those signals and the girls would storm off and find someone else. My female friends would giggle about this and tell me, "He is so hot, but he's so bad with women and he never gets laid!" One of these guys apparently complained to one of these girls about how he just couldn't get girls and didn't know why.

The other half did well, but their quality was all over the map. They were "quantity" guys who were sleeping with tons of women, but rarely together with girls who were all that attractive. One of them - a good friend with some of the best game I've ever seen, whom I learned and adapted a great deal from - was repeatedly sleeping with girls far beneath what he could get in terms of looks. In fact, when mutual friends of ours suggested he start going for hotter girls, all he'd say was, "Those chicks are too high maintenance."

I assumed what he was really saying was that they weren't as easy to get as the girls he was getting, and he'd rather go for the sure bet than the prettier but less certain one.

The weirdest head turner came when I started paying more attention to the men that my most beautiful female friends and ex-girlfriends went for. They didn't date or sleep with the most attractive men. They went for these... other guys, instead.

I even watched them choose between them. A girl would be making out with one really hot guy, but then she'd go home with a guy who wasn't.

This boggled my mind, because as much as I thought there was more to it than looks, I assumed that if a girl CONSIDERED a guy to be "really hot," that would mean she'd want him more than another guy she didn't think of that way.


Was there more to it then, than whom a girl found most physically attractive?

do looks matter

In late 2009, I spent a month and a half in Hollywood. I wasn't trying to become a star - earlier I'd spent some time up in L.A. auditioning for various movie roles, but I came up short on all of them.

Maybe I wasn't good-looking enough.

This time, I was there for work - I was on a project for the company I worked for, training various government agencies in Los Angeles on how to use a new piece of software they were adopting (that I myself hardly knew how to use - talk about learning on the job).

While I was there, though, I took the time to grab some meals and spend time with a friend and mentor of mine, from whom I'd learned a great deal about meeting women.

As was customary when spending time with one of my mentors, I made a point not to ever ask questions about girls or dating - men who teach this for a living get tired of talking about it, and tired of being in the teacher role. I didn't want to be seen as just another needy student - I wanted to be a friend and equal. So, I focused on providing good conversation, finding great places for us to enjoy a good meal at (that I could put on my corporate expense account), and trusted that, as usual, I'd soak up knowledge just by being in my friend's presence and watching him do what he did.

One night we were out at a nightclub, just sitting and talking. Multiple groups of women stopped by to try and engage us in conversation, and eventually he pulled one of them in to start talking to them. This usually didn't happen much to me - most girls waited for me to do the approaching when I was out alone, or with another of my friends. And this friend wasn't better looking than I was - in fact, he was less attractive than me.

Another night, we sat talking in a nightclub the whole night, never talking to anyone. As we left at closing time, he peeled off and opened a pair of beautiful girls in stunning dresses walking down the street. I'd been picking up in nightclubs for years, but I'd never done nighttime street game before. The girls were cold to us at first, but I hung back and let him work his magic. Every time they tried to walk away, he'd gently but firmly insist that they'd stay, and stay they would.

Within a minute or so, we were walking together; a few more minutes and they were agreeing to come with us to an after party. 15 minutes later we were all in a car on the way there. Not long after we got back to his apartment - no after party in sight - he was having multiple rounds of sex with his girl in his bedroom, while I tried to figure out what to do with a beautiful girl I had no connection with in a situation I wasn't used to being in (very fast, zero connection pulls).

I had a lot to learn, I realized.

So, over the next few months, I focused on doing almost nothing but nighttime street game. I'd go out, hit the streets, and take girls home minutes after meeting them. It was surprisingly easy... much more than I thought it was, prior to watching my friend and prior to trying it myself.

And the surprising ease of pulling even gorgeous girls off the street at night made it clearer to me than ever before that there's a lot more going on with quick pickups than just looks.

Do Looks Matter?

do looks matterThat friend who's hung up on looks is right, to an extent - looks do matter.

But how much do they matter?

My friend and I have clashing beliefs and clashing experiences here - I know lots of good looking guys sleeping with lots of girls, but none I know of who are getting lots of really beautiful girls. My friend contends that the only men he knows getting really beautiful girls are very good looking guys.

The problem with relying on anecdotal reporting is that it's rife with small sample sizes and confirmation bias - in other words, you find what you're looking for.

When you're convinced that everyone drives Toyota Camrys, all you see on the road are Camrys. When you're convinced that everybody drives Honda Civics, all you notice are Civics.

Likewise, I notice LOTS of supposedly good-looking guys, and guys with gigantic muscles, and guys who carry themselves well and look powerful and clean-cut, with girls I wouldn't touch with a 10-foot pole. And I also see loads of beautiful women with men who even I can tell are unattractive. But I'm looking for these kinds of couples. My friend is the other way - he only sees beautiful women with handsome men.

Most likely, we're both only seeing what we want to see.

The most balanced research I could find on the topic of physical attractiveness and sexual desirability was a series of meta-analyses of five (5) different studies on the role physical attractiveness plays in mate selection published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 1990 under the name "Gender differences in effects of physical attractiveness on romantic attraction: A comparison across five research paradigms." Here's the abstract:

Evolutionary and sociocultural theories of mate selection preferences contend that men place greater value on physical attractiveness than do women. Thus, meta-analyses were conducted of findings from 5 research paradigms that have examined the hypothesis: (1) questionnaire studies, (2) analyses of lonely hearts advertisements, (3) studies that correlate attractiveness with opposite sex popularity, (4) studies that correlate attractiveness with liking by a dyadic interaction partner, and (5) experiments that manipulate the attractiveness and similarity of an opposite sex stranger. The anticipated sex difference emerged in all 5 meta-analyses, although it was larger in research that examined self-reports than in research that examined social behavior.

So, the findings here are that women's looks are more important to men than men's looks are to women, but that the difference between these two is greater in self-reported (i.e., what people THINK they want) results than in examined (i.e., what people ACTUALLY want) results.

Which... is vaguely confusing. How big of a difference is there, then? If the difference isn't that big, maybe looks actually are nearly as important to women as they are to men.

Going into the research further produces more fruitful, though not completely elucidating, findings:

There were three major findings from the cross-domain comparison of effect sizes for sex differences. First, the hypothesis that more men than women value attractiveness received some support from all five research paradigms. Second, the effect sizes were appreciably larger in the paradigms that examined self-reports of partner preferences (questionnaires and personal ads) than in paradigms that examined behavior (dyadic interactions, the attractiveness–popularity relationship, and bogus stranger liking). Finally, although romantic popularity (e.g., dating frequency) was, as predicted, more strongly associated with physical attractiveness for women than for men, platonic popularity with the opposite sex (e.g., number of opposite-sex friends) was more strongly correlated with attractiveness for men, and this difference in gender effects was the source of contradictions in the literature. Related to this finding, meta-analysis has also found physical attractiveness is correlated with same-sex popularity for men but not for women (Feingold, 1990), and that matching for attractiveness among same-sex friends occurs for men but not for women (Feingold, 1988). Thus, it is only with respect to romantic attraction that women's physical attractiveness seems to have stronger effects on social behavior than men's physical attractiveness.

Interestingly, the researchers found that:

  • Women's attractiveness matters more than men's in mating and dating

  • Men's attractiveness matters more in making same-sex and inter-sex friendships

  • Matching for attractiveness among same-sex friends occurs among men but not women

... which is why you'll see groups of girls that have pretty girls and ugly girls together, but groups of guys usually have men of approximately the same attractiveness levels, and it's why you'll see women wanting to be friends with the hottest guys around.

When it comes to selecting for mates, however, the role of men's physical attractiveness is present, but not so clear cut.

Things That Matter Besides Looks

While looks do matter to an extent, looks aren't all that matters.

Not by a long shot.

From "The Big, the Rich, and the Powerful: Physical, Financial, and Social Dimensions of Dominance in Mating and Attraction," published in the March 2011 volume of the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin:

Dominance is a key feature on which romantic partners are evaluated, yet there is no clear consensus on its definition. In Study 1 (N = 305), the authors developed scales to measure three putatively distinct dimensions of dominance: social, financial, and physical. In Study 2 (N = 308), the authors used their scales in a mate-selection paradigm and found that women perceived physical dominance to be related to both attractiveness and social dominance. For both sexes, attractiveness predicted desirability for a one-night stand, whereas attractiveness and agreeableness were predictors of desirability for a serious relationship. In Study 3 (N = 124), the authors surveyed romantic partners in monogamous relationships and found that although aspects of a partner’s dominance—financial for women and social for men—played a bivariate role in relationship satisfaction, agreeableness was the strongest predictor of current and future relationship satisfaction and the only significant predictor of relationship dissolution.

This one has lots of interesting points for relationships as well, which we might come back to in a subsequent article, but for now we're mostly talking about hooking up with and picking up girls.

Don't be confused by the use of the word "attractiveness" here - the study isn't talking about physical attractiveness, but rather what qualities women look for in men they want to sleep with.

In this case, dominance plays a very large role. That is to say, perceived physical dominance impacts attractiveness, which predicts desirability for a one-night stand.

The more physically dominant you appear, the more one-night stand worthy you become.

Just what constitutes "perceived physical dominance," you might ask?


That's all stuff a bit beside the cut of your jib.

Next on our list of interesting findings, we have this piece of research, from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, entitled, colorfully enough, "Peacocks, Porsches, and Thorstein Veblen: conspicuous consumption as a sexual signaling system":

Conspicuous consumption is a form of economic behavior in which self-presentational concerns override desires to obtain goods at bargain prices. Showy spending may be a social signal directed at potential mates. We investigated such signals by examining (a) which individuals send them, (b) which contexts trigger them, and (c) how observers interpret them. Three experiments demonstrated that conspicuous consumption is driven by men who are following a lower investment (vs. higher investment) mating strategy and is triggered specifically by short-term (vs. long-term) mating motives. A fourth experiment showed that observers interpret such signals accurately, with women perceiving men who conspicuously consume as being interested in short-term mating. Furthermore, conspicuous purchasing enhanced men's desirability as a short-term (but not as a long-term) mate. Overall, these findings suggest that flaunting status-linked goods to potential mates is not simply about displaying economic resources. Instead, conspicuous consumption appears to be part of a more precise signaling system focused on short-term mating. These findings contribute to an emerging literature on human life-history strategies.

The researchers here found that throwing money around actually does work in making you a more attractive one-night stand candidate.

Which I've seen from experience - I've watched guys in VIP with bottle service outcompete better-looking men with equivalent levels of game for women in nightclubs. Hard to say if conspicuous consumption always beats looks hands down, but it's certainly a toss up.

For my money though, dominance is what rules the coop.

Of course, that last is anecdotal... my experience has been that, the more dominant I've appeared and the more dominant I've behaved, the greater my success with women has become, and the higher the caliber of women I've been able to get has gotten.

There's also the case of mate poaching, discussed in the article on preselection; the research on that indicates that single women are much more interested in men already having success with women than men who aren't.

Ultimately, all in all, whether we're talking one-night stands or long-term relationships, there's a great deal more at play than just what your face looks like.

Are You Hookup Material?

I sought for a long time to change myself into hookup material. I was very much "boyfriend" or "husband material" before - until late 2010, in fact, many of the girls I slept with would be talking about marriage either the first night we were together, or the second. It was something I struggled with for a long time to rid myself of.

do looks matter

To me, the keys to being outstanding hookup material - even for very beautiful girls - have long boiled down to these points:

  1. Look as good as you possibly can. Just like the "10s" you see in nightclubs are usually just somewhat cute or even average girls with exceptional hair, clothes, makeup, and sexy facial expressions and command of their bodies and vibes, you can do this too. Get your fashion sense handled; get your body handled; get your hairstyle and facial hair and facial expression down cold. Look edgy and look good. If you aren't killing it in every one of these departments, you don't get to talk about looks.

  2. Become very noticeably physically dominant. That means sprezzatura; that means you look effortless in everything you do. Watching your movement is like watching a piece of art. That means slowness, gracefulness, and power. That means you command attention with the slightest gesture. That means you command women and tell them what to do and they listen. That means you can open women you've never spoken to before with things like, "Hello there... would you come here for a moment?" and immediately have them sucked in and flirting with you and attracted to you.

  3. Quit placing yourself in a looks hierarchy. If you're rating girls on a 1 to 10 scale, knock it off. Trust me on this one - you're placing a cap on the level of attractiveness you can get in women by messing yourself up because you've placed certain women as "above you" in looks. Try it for a year, then take a few moments to compare the looks of the women you've gotten in the past year to the looks of the women you got in the past when you used to use a 1 to 10 scale - I guarantee you you'll find you got significantly more beautiful women after abandoning the scale than you did before. If you think a girl is superior to you, you cannot get her. Case closed.

  4. Get preselection. This must look natural, and it must look like the girls are chasing you and you're fending them off, for best results. If you get this one going on though, it makes everything else easier.

  5. If you can afford it, conspicuously consume. I've only played around with this a few times - I'm not rich, unfortunately. But when I have - when I've, say, gone out with investment banker friends and we've bought bottles of champagne and started pouring drinks for random girls walking around - I've had some of the fastest pickups of my life.

  6. Get out of boyfriend territory. I haven't seen the research on this one, but I don't even need to; it's been so central to my success upgrading my effectiveness with women. If you want to read more on this, see "Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material."

Looks get you in the door. Dominance gets you in further, or sometimes supplants looks altogether - that friend of mine I mentioned who I picked up girls off the street with in L.A. uses very firm dominance to succeed with women far more beautiful than he is handsome despite his lack of "looks" (he does have great fashion and attractive facial hair and hair styles, however). And the more I've added getting more and more compliance and investment into my game, the stronger and better and faster and more consistent results I've gotten, and with more and more beautiful women.

To make things easier on yourself getting in the door with a warm reception, up your looks. To close better, up your dominance.

The Good News on Looks

If you've got 'em, you've got an advantage.

If you haven't got 'em, there's plenty of other stuff you can focus on instead.

Back to those guys I've always learned from - the "naturals." Why were they all good looking? When my friend and I were talking about who we've learned the most from, and I mentioned a number of guys, all naturals, he automatically dismissed them as irrelevant because they have handsome faces and/or buff physiques, and therefore what they know and what they do do not apply to "regular people."

I beg to differ.

I've found learning from guys who are naturally good to be far more effective than learning from most of the other guys who had to learn how to get girls. Why? Time in field.

In the book Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell cites the curious case of hockey players born in January, February, and March far outnumbering all other hockey players in the Canadian Hockey League, while players born in October, November, and December are very underrepresented in the CHL. Why is this so? Are people born in the first three months of the year simply born more gifted at hockey?

As it turns out, the way the cutoff dates are established for Canadian schools, students born in the first three months of the year are always the oldest, biggest kids in each grade, and thus have a slight size advantage in hockey early on. Due to this early size advantage, they do a bit better at hockey, and thus have more early success, get put on the better teams, get more practice, and learn faster, get more time working on hockey, and build more and more on that early success.

That small early advantage has a snowball effect that gets them more and more time to practice and improve at hockey. By the time they're ready to go pro, men born in the first three months of the year have simply had tremendously more experience playing hockey than men born in the last three months of the year, and thus make up a far larger portion of the men who actually make it into the CHL.

I believe that good looks can be a bit like this.

The better looking you are, the more early advantages you have. The more likely you are to get somewhat warmer receptions from women early on; the more likely you are to have sex sooner; and the more likely you are to get more dates.

These successes under your belt, you then build on this, and get more, and more, and more.

The "naturals" I know who do the best with women aren't just pretty faces and nothing else. They're handsome, yes... but they also have far better game than any pick up artist I've ever met.

The reason why? More time in field.

More experience.

More practice, to hone their vibes, get more comfortable, more smooth... more natural.

To develop sharper wits.

To become more unshakeable, and more undaunted.

To experience more crazy wild unusual scenarios with women, and be more prepared for anything.

Their looks do give them a bit of an edge, yes.

But what's really doing it is the snowball effect.

If you want to look at a difference between you and a good-looking guy you know who's getting crazy results with women, don't spend so much time focused on his looks.

Instead, focus on his experience. I can almost guarantee you'll find all your answers there.

Looks do matter.

But so do a lot of things.

Don't be so busy trying to find a way to explain why you aren't getting the girls you want that you never stop and find a way to GET the girls you want.

There's more than one way to skin a cat - and in this post alone, you've got a whole lot of different ways.

So... not getting the girls you want?

Quit whining about it and go get 'em.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase,

Found this article very interesting, great work! I just have a few questions for you, I know a girl who speaks to lots of men. I'm one of her closest friends and I just wanted to ask you this: How do you make her look forward/want to speak to you more often?

Sometimes since she gets lots of texts from different men, she probably just wants to sometimes not reply because she's not in the mood or doesn't want to continue the converstation.

How do you keep her interested and wanting to keep the conversation going over text or even just speaking to her normally.


Chase Amante's picture


That's tough, mainly because of what we discussed in "How to Get Girls: The Last Post You'll Ever Need." At some point, a girl's going to start seeing some guy, and usually, at that point, she loses interest in most of the other men who were chasing her... they look a little weak.

The best way I've found to maintain attraction over the long-term with a girl you're not sleeping with is:

  • Be exceptionally engaging
  • Have an outstanding but under-the-radar sense of humor
  • Don't be too available and let her do all the chasing / initiating

The men who are still putting effort into her while she's with other men she loses interest in very fast. But the men she doesn't talk to for 3 months or 4 months or 6 months, and then they trade a couple of good emails or go out and get drinks, this can still work.

In a social situation where you're around her frequently, you must keep her at the periphery of your social circle if you're not going to sleep with her any time very soon (see: "The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends"). If you let her get too close to you, and you don't sleep with her soon after, it very quickly drops into the friend zone, where it will probably not come back out from.


Kvothe's picture

This is perfect.

Anonymous's picture

Also Chase, can you post up an article on Hairstyles? I'm still not sure how it makes people see my presence different.


Chase Amante's picture


Yes - it's on my list!


Knight's picture

I'm still recovering from the post about facial hair. Found out it could be a while longer until I can grow facial hair due to inherited genetics. I sometimes want facial hair more than some women!

Looking forward to it though Chase.


Brian48's picture

One what do u do when a girl your casually seeing gives you the ultimatum to cut off sex/stop seeing you etc. if you dont get serious w/ her and you dont really want to commit to her? Game over?
And two, would you ever consider a casual relationship with a girl that had a threesome with you and one of your male friends(I'm not bi but yeah I know I'm a wild dude, lol). And besides that if you were in an open relationship with a girl but you found out she slept with one of your male friends (threw him of course)would you quit her? Friends are of limits right? Its been my experience serious or not girls hate it when you screw their friends. It should go both ways right?

Wallflower's picture

I just had to reply to this one... Maybe you need to think about what it is that you want and consider appropriate in a relationship (casual or not) first. Like, think for a second what types of values you have and how far you are willing to stretch them. Then decide.

I think the worst thing that I have done to myself over the course of my life (I am close to Chase's age) is to think with a mentality of what others would do in my place and would they find it moral, right, appropriate. Nowdays, I am trying really hard to throw that mentality out the door. Because unless you are hurting someone there is no right or wrong way to live and I think you should define those parameters for yourself without looking at others and their views. Or, better yet, not define them at all and see what happens. If you say you are a wild dude, then maybe that's what you are and that's maybe how you should be living your life. I think as long as you are not harming anyone, you shouldn't be so concerned about whether it is moral to fuck your friends friends', etc. Does it feel wrong to you? Or is it only bothering you because others say it is wrong?

Chase Amante's picture


I'm with Wallflower on this one. It sounds like everybody else here is fine with doing these things (e.g., the girl, your pal) - so, the question comes down to what do you want?

I don't do casual relationships anymore personally - haven't done them since I first got into actively meeting women, back in 2006. The most I'll see a girl I don't want as a girlfriend is twice. There are a bunch of reasons for that, but probably the biggest one is that you become like the people you spend time around. If she's not high caliber enough for me to make her a girlfriend, I probably don't want to be picking up too much influence from her (plus, I'd rather use my sex drive to meet new girls than spend it on seeing the same non-girlfriend caliber girl). But I want different things and think about things a little differently than most folks.

My buddies who enjoy MMF threesomes have mixed opinions on getting into casual relationships with the girls they have them with - some write them off as girls they wouldn't keep seeing under any circumstance, while others are fine with it. One word of caution, though: one of my wildest wild guy friends had a girl he was seeing casually that he double-teamed with his roommate a couple of times, and eventually he started getting more serious with the girl and stopped seeing other girls because he got comfortable and complacent with her. One night when she was out drunk, she ended up sleeping with his roommate again, and he found out later. He confided in me that this actually hurt him a good deal, and he was surprised that it would, since he'd encouraged her to do the MMF threesome with the roommate in the first place (surprised me too; I really thought dude had zero emotions toward women!). But I guess her doing it with him was one thing; her doing it without him was something else.

Just something to be aware of before you start seeing her - precedent is important in all relationships, and if you set a precedent of crazy wild sex, that's the precedent she's going to maintain with you even if your emotions change later, as they sometimes do with casual relationships that go on longer.


Brian48's picture

I also noticed you have a kinda zero tolerance for female bullshit, and I noticed that the more a guy puts up with crap and doesnt give the chick the boot the worse the bullshit gets. Looking back on the crazy spanish chick situation I was telling you about and reading the women and drama article you wrote and how your girl was talking about running out and screwing ten guys or whatever and you straight showed her the door no hesitation, I wish I had pulled the trigger too like you did before my situation got completely out of had like it did.
Also I see your not the the forgiving type when it comes to cheating in a serious relationship. I have a family member who got married in the 80's. Bout a year in wife starting cheating on him repeatedly. He kept taking her back. His solution was to to keep moving her from place to place where she was not known. Regardless she continued to cheat and cheat. Besides the the kids they had together he is now raising two she had outside the marriage, and you can tell because they are bi-racial, and they are still "together". Sad story but I guess the saying goes you give a worm or weed an inch or whatever and they take a yard.

Chase Amante's picture


Yes... if you give a mouse a cookie, then he'll want a glass of milk.

The kind of girls I date go their entire lives getting their ways from everyone. They're used to commanding men and having men do whatever they want. If you're anything other than very low tolerance for drama, it becomes a shit show very quickly. They're fun to be around, and educational, but you can't give them that inch or they start walking all over you.

It helps once you really internalize the fact that people are who they are, and you aren't going to change them. Most guys seem to have this attitude of, "Okay, well, I'll just let her get away with it this time, and then she'll change and it'll never happen again!" The correct attitude is, "This is who she is and what she does. All I'm going to do is tell her she's going to cut it out or she's going to leave. So she's either going to change it - because she knows I won't tolerate it - or she's not going to change it, and she'll leave. And then I'll go find a girl who doesn't have this problem."

On cheating - I see that as a line that's crossed where how she thinks about you changes permanently, and cannot be undone. She's always going to be at least mildly undermining you, and she's always going to be a trust risk and a distraction - instead of you worrying about other important things, you've now got to be monitoring her constantly and tracking what she's up to if you care even one iota about fidelity (if you legitimately don't - and I haven't met anyone like this, but he might be out there - it may be a different story). There are SO many gorgeous, brilliant, amazing women in the world who HAVEN'T ever cheated on a partner and are disinclined to do so... I can't find any argument for staying with a woman this has happened with, other than that the guy just isn't that good with women and she's a far better catch than what he could otherwise get (in that case, sometimes it makes sense; e.g., that family member of yours, if the wife is, say, 40% better than the best he can possibly get other than her, it may make sense for him to stay with her just to have a couple of kids with her even if he has to raise some other men's kids too - biologically, he still gets to reproduce with a girl way outside his league, so he still "wins," biologically speaking).

This also comes with experience - the first strong-willed woman I dated I was constantly standing there with my mouth agape thinking/feeling like, "What do I do?" And the first time I had a situation where a girl I'd been seeing had been seeing another guy too without telling me, my emotions basically paralyzed - logic was saying, "You know what you need to do," while emotions were saying, "No! Cannot lose her!" That kicked off my absolute abundance kick - I realized the emotions don't quiet until you know for a fact you can easily replace even the most amazing girlfriend. Once you know THAT, you can behave calmly and rationally, and command the respect and behavior from women you want. Until you're there though, your emotions will always sabotage you, to give you a chance at reproducing with a woman you might not be able to replace (like that family member you mentioned).


Brian48's picture

Thanks Chase, Wallflower.

Balla's picture

Hey Chase, I can agree with everything you wrote to a T. What I want to ask about is this.

You say naturals are better to learn from right? What I want to know is what your teaching us is natural stuff or pick up stuff? I ask because I know you learned on your own but I know that you also did learn how to pick up from naturals and puas.

I actually want to be natural, how do I become natural? I want to be the best I can be and know I can be better than a pua. Please don't tell me it's too late to become a natural seducer. Should I just sleep with all types of girls no matter how they look?
Thanks Chase!

Chase Amante's picture


Well, *I* think naturals are better to learn from, because I'm very good at breaking down what works for other people, figuring out why it works, and teaching it to myself and imitating it and iterating it. Most guys I've talked to in the pickup community consider men who are naturally good with women to have nothing to offer them, because they need someone to explain it to them, and the guy who's naturally good can't do that. He doesn't know how he gets girls, exactly; he just knows he talks to them a little, jokes with a little, and then suddenly BOOM! they're having sex.

I also put no faith in what people tell me themselves. My assumption is, most people are false-ascribing their success and thinking that one thing is causing success when it's actually something completely different. e.g., I've known naturals who'd tell you it was their muscles or their looks that got them laid, but they had the tightest verbal game I'd ever seen, and there were plenty of other guys who looked like them and/or had their physiques and weren't getting anywhere near their results. Clearly looks and muscles help, but there's more there to it that they aren't even aware makes a difference. Because most people ascribe their success to the wrong things, if you're only listening to their words and not watching the complete process of what they're doing, you'll end up being misled.

Being natural just comes from getting enough experience with women. Everyone starts off learning things bit by bit (even guys who seem naturally good); with enough experience you start reaching a point where you don't even understand much of what you're doing. Many of the things I've written on this site were not things I learned consciously first; rather, I started doing them, and then sat down and broke down what I was doing later to teach guys I was mentoring or instructing. Deep diving was like that; I just figured out a way to talk to girls that I found worked well for me, and the only thing I could tell you about it at first was, "Just keep her talking and get her talking about emotions and stuff. Talk as little as possible. Then she starts feeling really connected to you and you invite her home and you guys have sex." But guys would look at me and say, "How do I do THAT?" and I had to sit down and show it to them, and eventually I figured out how to describe it in greater detail.

Sleeping with all types of women no matter how they look: that's really tough to answer because I don't know what your standards are like right now and what your success rates and experience rates are like. I will say this: I don't know any really prolific guys who ONLY sleep with gorgeous women. I've met lots of prolific guys who CLAIM they only sleep with gorgeous women... and then you see pictures of the women they sleep with and they're actually all over the map. What happens though is as you rack up more experience, your standards change. There are lots of girls I'd consider "okay" or "cute" now because they have a good enough body and a passable face that I'd have considered below my standards many years ago... the main reason why is, when you're relatively inexperienced, your thinking is, "Well, if this girl and I hit it off, she might become my girlfriend, but is this a girl I really want as a girlfriend? Hmm... well... I don't know... I don't think she's quite cute enough," but, as you get more and more experience, your thinking is, "I'm just going to have sex with this girl once - so let's enjoy it - she's cute enough for that!" Essentially, you stop assessing every girl as a potential girlfriend, and instead assess them simply as short-term flings (meanwhile, you retain your old standards for assessing potential girlfriends).

Anyway, it's a deep topic - I'll put it in the article queue for a more in-depth treatment.


Balla's picture

OK, thanks Chase. How do you get tight verbal game? What do you say to make your game good?

Chase Amante's picture


Just mentioned this in response to your other comment here; I'd say it's a combination of wit, wisdom, and probing questions.

On wit - I'll get an article up. On wisdom, best resources for that are the posts on active listening and Colt's piece on how to succeed with women, where he discusses being inspirational. And on creating conversation via good questions, I linked to some articles in that other response - although I'm sure you've already read all those at this point anyway!


Anonymous's picture

I am confused as to what you mean by a sexy edgy hairstyle. Can you give some examples? How long is too long? And what constitutes a boring haircut. So far all I have to go on is what i see with male models hair. But what are specifically sexy haircuts?

Chase Amante's picture


It's on my list of articles to write! Guys have been asking about it for a while - hopefully I'll have it up soon.


Knight's picture

If you are familiar with Reddit and cannot wait until Chase has his post up I recommend viewing and reading the 'sidebar'.


anonk's picture

greetings Chase.

.studies have show that in relationships where the women is more attractive then the male they relationship last longer. But if studies have also shown that relationships where the female is smarter than the male is more ideal.

bearing these two studies in mind I read your quote on the boards stating "There's some research establishing that looks and intelligence are linked; essentially, the most successful males have generally been of above average intelligence, and the position, power, and wealth achieved through their success allowed them to take mates of above average attractiveness. Since women are attracted most to signs of intelligence in men (confidence, humor, resourcefulness, ability) while men are attracted most to signs of beauty in women (youth, facial symmetry, hip-waist ratio, butt/breast size), it makes sense that more attractive women and more intelligent men tend to end up together, leading to a mixing of attractive / intelligent genes (might also be why you see a lot of ugly dumb people, but not a lot of BEAUTIFUL dumb people)."

so if women are those mean of high intelligence then how would the relationships workout?

thanks again, I look forward to more frequent post:)

Chase Amante's picture


I haven't seen the research on women being smarter than men meaning more stable relationships, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Looks and intellect are two variables that are somewhat correlated, but not completely 1:1 related. I've met plenty of brilliant women who are ugly as sin, and plenty of beautiful women dumb as a rock. On average, though, beauty and brains tend to be positively related.

If the research is correct, though, and a relationship where the woman's more attractive than the man is stabler, and a relationship where the woman's more intelligent than the man is stabler, then you'd expect a woman in a relationship with a man she's more intelligent and more attractive than to have a stabler relationship, where the man is happier to be with her. The woman's also more likely to be in control, I'd guess, though control falls most commonly to the partner with the greater social and romantic experience - so I can still envision a scenario where she's smarter and prettier than he is, but he's more experienced, and hence in control of the relationship.


NeoPrince's picture

I wish I could have read this when I was 13, along with "Reactions vs. Results". Dominance has helped me so much. Before I always believed I must be hideous when I was rejected by girls, but now I see my mistake. I was such a pushover but I'm six foot one and handsome, In retrospect many girls were excited at first and soon enough they would turn grumpy and aloof. And most men would hardly give me any respect. That common joke that "If you're ugly, then your only hope is to be funny," made me a tryhard that was never sincere in his life because I thought all people were shallow. I never realized that just because most people shared laughs, it means nothing. You don't have to have funny jokes to be close, you just have to know each other's ambitions, and share some good experiences.

I remember that you once said people project their own thoughts on how the world is, I was superficial myself and wanted to be "cool" and was disgusted with other nerds and ugly people. I wanted to tell all those awesome jokes and make others laugh because I saw it as success and never realized it was empty validation. I would hate good-looking guys that in my opinion "got it for free and don't see how hard I am trying to just please get a girl to be amused and want me. I'll do anything, PLEASE????"

Now I think I understand how you convey sincerity and It's great. To me the principles are like this:
1. Say it proudly with your head up and a relaxed, yet powerful posture. Carry yourself like your principles are unshakable
2. If people are skeptical of following you, persist and insist calmly without desperation. Someone who sincerely believes he is right will stick to his guns when his boundaries are tested and persist, but at the same time won't get emotional and can walk away because he believes he is right.
3. Keep an open mind and find both merits as well as flaws in others, rather than focusing on merits to kiss ass, or flaws to put down.

Chase Amante's picture


Indeed. A sense of humor is important, but most men take it too far. Even if you were ugly (which you know now you aren't), you'd want intensity and edge more than humor alone - like Mae West (of King Kong fame) has said, “A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.”

The points on sincerity look solid. Only one I might revise as you get this down even better is instead of saying things proudly, move to more matter-of-fact. People have an even harder time challenging something said sincerely and matter-of-factly (because the intimation is, "Well, of COURSE it's this way, duh!") than they do challenging something said sincerely and proudly.


Nick's picture

Hey Chase,
So I decided to have my friends go with me to a club in a taxi together, I meet some girls there and one girl takes a particular interest in me, we decide to go get a taxi to get a nightcap(owe you for that one), all my friends see me and decide to go with me for some reason to my annoyance.
So my three friends and me and the girl squeeze into a taxi. I notice the girl hurries to sit next to me before one of my friends does. So talking with her in whispers and suddenly she grabs my hand and interlaces her fingers and pulls it to her thigh. My friends for some reason have always look to see what I am doing and they notice. They then joke around about how I am definitely hooking up tonight right in front of her. I try changing the subject but they persist. She remains quiet the whole time and breaks the hand holding.
Finally I am able to change the subject but I am sure she got too self-conscious and then said that we just passed by her friends house, says she forgot she had to help her friend out with a favor. I tell her to stay for fifteens more minutes,we are almost there, bla bla . She hugs me and hurry's out of the taxi before I could muster up my charm and convince her to stay.
So, now I know not to bring my friends along, but just in case I was ever in that immediate situation or one similar what should I have done differently when my friends brought that up?

Chase Amante's picture


Ah, that sucks. Yeah, with that one, when your friends are trying to cram into the taxi you've got to put your foot down - "Sorry bros, we're just grabbing this one the two of us. I'll catch you fellas next time!" and shut the door. They'll feel awkward, but you WANT people to feel awkward when they're being awkward... it's the only way they learn to cut it out.

When you find yourself in a situation where your buddies are saying you're hooking up with some girl or whatnot, call them out on it: "Do you mind? I'm trying to have a conversation here," and, again, try to make them feel as awkward as possible. Once it's happened though, you're fighting an uphill battle - not only does the girl feel unconscious, but your friends have inadvertently painted you with negative preselection... if you got laid a lot around them, they'd be used to it and wouldn't say anything. It's an attraction killer.

Best thing to do here is as soon as the girl leaves, tell your friends that if they ever cockblock you again like that, you're going to cut their tongues out and eat them for lunch. They'll say, "Geez!" but then the seriousness of what they've just done will sink in and they won't do it again (or else, you'll just get new friends who are used to getting girls and don't behave like middle schoolers around the opposite sex).


Gem's picture

Hey Chase,

This article got me thinking about something odd that some guys have (or at least say they have) that I can't quite understand. My roommate in college and several other guys I've known in the past say they are saving their virginity for marriage. Another example of this is a close friend of mine who has been with the same girl for 5 years now (a pretty long period of time for teenagers; they had their 2 year break and then got together again and finally the girlfriend drove my friend into having sex 3+ years into the relationship).

In addition to this (the important point to add here), none of these guys were religious in the slightest and when I'd ask why they'd say it's just a pride thing. Perhaps it is something about how much potential for getting sex that contributes to this? But I really don't understand what the true underlying issue is here and feel like there's more to it than meets the eye. What's the explanation/reasoning behind the issue Chase would you happen to know? Might be an interesting topic to write about I bet because I'm sure many guys know other guys who say and do this.



Chase Amante's picture


I can't say I've ever heard of a non-religious man saying he intended to remain a virgin until marriage as a point of pride. I don't know any culture that makes men feel "proud" for not sleeping with women... my guess is they're asexual, and find the idea of sex gross and disturbing. You might want to refer them to AVEN with an open mind and see how they react.

Basically, people who are asexual want relationships for the emotional aspect, but they have no interest in sex and prefer to abstain. They find sex a bizarre process that they can't understand, and think everyone else is kind of silly and animalistic for engaging in it. They make up approximately 1% of the population - they're a lot more common than you might think.


Pete's picture

Do you really find this correlation to be true? I have found cute girls to be the best. They've been given enough attention to value themselves, but are not so self conceited that they become ball breaking princesses. The hot chicks i have had, I have gotten over very quickly (albeit painfully). They think looks are everything and you end up holding the relationship. If sex is all you are after, then its a fair deal i guess. But as the testosterone starts to wade as you approach 40, you need something more. Maybe its just me...
Love your articles by the way...

Chase Amante's picture


Depends on whether you're looking for natural beauty or made up "hotness." I find that generally the hottest girls are not the most beautiful girls... e.g., the girls who are the best at making themselves have that "wow" factor and have really dove into mastering hair and makeup and nails and clothes aren't the most beautiful girls without all that, but rather usually somewhat cute but put in the effort perfecting their appearance as a means to upgrade the caliber of man they can get. I spent a fair bit of time training myself to ignore hotness and assess a woman's attractiveness purely on facial features plus body shape... it's hard. Your biology doesn't want to listen. But fashion you can teach or encourage. Hairstyles you can train. A prettier face or a larger bust size, however... nothing you can do about those except pick a girl who's got what you want even when you wake up the next morning and her clothes are on the floor and makeup's on the pillow instead of her face.

You'll also find that "hot" girls usually have personality flaws that make them somewhat undesirable as companions. Those are the ones you'll see become "ball-breaking princesses"; they get drunk on the power their learned looks give them and don't know how to handle it. There's also a self-esteem part to it; they tend to have grown up being subpar in looks, and always carry a chip on their shoulder around trying to prove themselves and their power and beauty.

Girls who are naturally beautiful on the other hand are tough in relationships, but they're usually often fairly stable mentally. For me, that's the ideal, tough + stable - girls who are too soft do not do very well in relationships with me, and girls who are too unstable crack very early on and are far more drama than they're worth.

I also select for education in girlfriends - I won't date a girl who doesn't have a master's degree or isn't in the process of getting one. A one-two punch of "must be naturally beautiful, and must have or be getting her master's" allows me to screen out all of the softer / less ambitious girls, and most of the loonies.

It depends a lot on a guy's disposition though - if you're more affectionate naturally, a tougher woman isn't going to cut it - it'll be too hard getting what you want from her and you'll always feel like you're chasing something you can't quite get.

If you're more like me and you're usually more occupied with whatever projects or endeavors you have going on, to the point of ignoring the people around you, then you need a tough-minded woman who's going to fight to get more time with you... the ones who don't do that end up sitting in a corner somewhere weeping over how neglected they are.


Anonymous's picture

How much can acne/skin condition affect your looks level?For example if. Your an 8 in the looks department,does having acne and scars drop you down to to a 5?Ive had people tell me that acne scars can make you look more masculine,is this true?

Chase Amante's picture


I didn't have any knowledge on this myself, so I dug this interesting bit of research up. From "Facial scarring enhances men’s attractiveness for short-term relationships," published in Personality and Individual Differences:

It is widely thought in Western societies that facial scarring has a negative impact on attractiveness. However, the specific effects of non-severe facial posttraumatic scarring on third party perceptions of attractiveness are currently unknown. Here we show that non-severe facial scarring can enhance perceptions of attractiveness in men but not in women. We report the results of asking 147 female and 76 male participants to rate the attractiveness of unscarred opposite-sex faces and faces that had been manipulated to exhibit photorealistic scarring, demonstrating that scarring enhances women’s ratings of male attractiveness for short-term, but not long-term, relationships. Men’s ratings of female attractiveness were unaffected by scarring. Though the reported effect is small, our results suggest that under certain circumstances scars may advertise valued information about their bearers, and that the idea that scarring universally devalues social perceptions can no longer be assumed to be true.

So, according to this research, scars will help you take girls to bed more quickly, and won't hurt or help you either way when it comes to long-term relationships.

As far as actual acne (red bumps, whiteheads, etc.), I don't know and haven't seen research on it, but if you want to reduce acne one unconventional tip (that Franco, our moderator on the discussion boards, recommended to me, actually) is to quit washing your face with soap, which clears away the oils needed to prevent your pores being clogged by dirt and other assorted grime, and only wash with water.


Anonymous's picture

I don't know if you've heard the quote:

“The attiude dictates that you don’t care whether she comes, stays, lays, or prays. I mean whatever happens, your toes are still tappin’. Now when you got that, then you have the attitude.”

But I'm aiming for a Devil May Care attitude. And I would appreciate some insight on your attitude as far as badboy/alpha/dominant.. Ect.

Since mindset effects your outlook which effects your actions I think it's something to definitely touch on.

Chase Amante's picture


I have articles up on these and a bunch of related topics:

... though I think you're looking for more of a, "What are the thoughts going through your head / what are the actual emotions you're feeling," sort of piece, if I'm reading that right - more a "how to think" than a "how to behave" write up - that right?

Assuming I've got the gist of it down correctly - I'll add it to the post queue. It ought to be an interesting piece to put together.


Anonymous's picture

I've been reading your articles every day for a while now, and I notice people view me differently, in a good way. I've changed quite a bit recently as a result. We went on a school trip recently and the prettiest girl in the class started flirting with me quite vigorously and I did everything as advised on the page. This felt awesome, since the rest of the girls in my class also started seeming more attracted to me, (preselection?). The prettiest girl is however VERY popular with other guys, and she flirts a lot with others also, and I know she puts out fairly often. I really want to bed her, and graduation time is coming up, which equals a lot of partying, drinking etc. and where I live, sex is highly encouraged at this time. Do you guys have any advice on which articles I should read thoroughly to make this happen?


Chase Amante's picture


Great to hear the progress you've been making, and props on catching the pretty girl's eye! If you have her in class, you might want this article:

Cute Girls in Class? Stop Flirting and Start DATING

... though, in your case, since there are plenty of partying and drinking and what not going on, you'll probably find this one the most useful:

The Secret to Hooking Up with Friends

I'd also suggest reading this one, since it sounds like you and her are still young and you'll be partying hard - and drinking too much can be as much of a threat to you getting together as drinking too little at this point (one of you gets drunk and sloppy / passes out / etc.):

Sex and Alcohol

And... best of luck with her (oh, and don't forget about the other pretty girls in class too - while every guy is competing right along with you for #1, #s 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 are all going to be rather lonely...)!


Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, I really enjoy all of your posts and hard work to help out us guys. It has done a lot for me. I was hoping you could post an article related to taking two or more chicks to bed simultaneously (threesome, foursome, etc.). Maybe you could give a bit of insight how to go about it or list certain scenarios. If or if you have not been in a situation like that, anything would help. Thanks very much.

Austin's picture

I am extremely impressed by this article, especially your incorporation of Gladwell's theory. How much time would you say you spend in the field versus time spent looking for research? Also, what is the verdict on what looks really are? Are you saying that men's looks are only loosely a function of facial proportions? Because facial proportion is the only property of male attractiveness that you cannot change (without invasive medical procedures).


lucifer7's picture

I have to say that the part that mostly piqued my interest is the one about you going out at nighttime just trying to pick up girls at night in the streets.

How really "easy" was it?
Were you mostly moving around your neighborhood?
How did you invite them home after only a few minutes^
Were they a bit tipsy, and alone?

I've honestly rarely seen hot girls alone walking the streets at night..

lucifer's picture

Hey Chase,

Honestly, you seem to equate "looks" with just facial features but it's much more than that.

To me, the most important element in looks is actually height.

And if a pretty face doesn't count *that* much, it gets much tougher pulling "dominant" when you're smaller than the girl -though of course, not impossible, and it would even be that much more impressive when it happens-.

NX's picture

Hey chase,

Right I am an 18 year old black guy and a virgin. I'm in this situation where my friends, girls and everyone I know in general are starting to doubt me as a man. They want me to prove to them that I can get a girl (in bed) which I know I can but I subconsciously don't at least try to. I've spoke to 5 girls in the last 3 years and I got to the friend zone with most of them and the rest have been taken. In my head I see a girl and I automatically think she isn't good enough for me even though I've never had a girl in bed. I believe it's a pride thing I seem to barely talk about topics like sex around friends because I'm that guy in my social circle that a non sexual type of guy even though I know I'm not like that. What do you suggest is my cause of action. I always so I'm going to wait until I meet a perfect 10 then lose my virginity but is that the right mindset to have?
Cheers chase

Sunsol8's picture

Chase -

Thanks again for another impactful article. Not sure if this comment will be read because this article is a few years old now but I would just like to add that I do believe there is a general baseline attractiveness which i believe is having a fairly symmetrical face. All my friends who do well with girls are appealing to the eye because their face is symmetrical. I think men with setback chins/weak jaws/ perhaps even noses that are too big for their face are at a serious disadvantage in the attraction part and I think it will be much harder to get a girl enchanted or dreamy for you....having to work much harder on maintaining your physique and verbal seduction because of your facial unattractiveness. I think getting plastic surgery if your face is lacking much in symmetry might be something to seriously consider like getting a new wardrobe or haircut. Maybe worth writing a piece on as more and more guys are having it done. Keep up the good work brotha! - san diego jerry

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