How Many Partners Has Your Girlfriend Had? Find Out Here

how many partnersHere's a post that's sure to raise some ire.

Ricardus and I were discussing men's tendency to want to sleep with sexually open women, but to date or settle down with or marry sexually conservative women - and how difficult it is actually figuring out how many partners women have actually had because of this. You see, women are acutely aware of this male bias against sexually experienced women when it comes to getting into serious relationships - and they do everything in their power to avoid getting pinned as such a woman.

"Everything in their power" here including, sometimes (okay, oftentimes), stretching the truth, leaving things out about their forgotten pasts, and, well, lying.

Of course, women don't think of it as lying. It's more like, "Well, I slept with that guy on vacation, so he doesn't count," or, "That guy was totally gross, I should never have hooked up with him... as far as I'm concerned, that didn't really happened."

It's a form of selective memory used by a woman to preserve her idea about herself as fitting perfectly into society's recommended mold: that of the "good girl" who doesn't give it up too often to men. Women who do part with their bodies too easily, society tells women, aren't valued as highly, so it's a big no-no.

But, well, women are people, and people like and want sex, and sometimes it... just happens. Of course, a woman doesn't want other people to know it just happened... at least, not as much as it actually has just happened... because that impacts her perceived social and reproductive value.

So, she stretches the truth, leaves things out, and, where necessary, tells a lie or two.

Any women reading this site may not especially like this article, but if you're a man who's seriously considering a relationship with a girl, and you want to know what you're actually getting instead of what you're being told you're getting... how do you tell who's whom?


Sex Partners: A Cover-Up

It can be very difficult to tell what's true and what isn't when it comes to how many partners a woman's had. She can tell you straight-faced and completely believably that she's only ever been with two men, or five men, or six men, when it's actually been a great deal more.

You're a lot more likely to get something closer to the truth out of her if she doesn't see you as long-term material (see "Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material"), but even then, women are naturally good at guarding against the unlikely becoming likely - even if she thinks you probably aren't a guy she'll ever take home to mom and dad, she's likely to still fudge the numbers a bit when she tells them to, purely out of force of habit... and out of a desire to make sure that there's no chance her real numbers could some how get out and make their way back to her circle.

But wait, before I continue, let me address one thing:

Why should you care?

This is often a really heated topic everywhere I see it discussed: you'll find some people (usually mostly men) insisting that it really is important to know how many men a woman's been with, and others (often a mix of men and women here) protesting that it doesn't matter or shouldn't matter. People get heated and call each other nasty names and the debates get ugly.

Here's why I think this is something worth knowing for guys who want a serious relationship (emphasis on serious there) - it's the findings of a study by Lynn F. Cherkas of King's College, London, et al., entitled "Genetic Influences on Female Infidelity and Number of Sexual Partners in Humans: A Linkage and Association Study of the Role of the Vasopressin Receptor Gene (AVPR1A)."

“Our findings demonstrate that infidelity and number of sexual partners are both under moderate genetic influence (41% and 38% heritable, respectively) and the genetic correlation between these two traits is strong (47%).”

There was another study I heard of that tied a woman's likelihood of infidelity to her number of partners, rising with each successive partner until she hit eight lifetime partners, at which point her likelihood of infidelity had reached as high as it was going to reach. I can't find this study though, so I don't know if it's legitimate or not, and the more I think about it the more I think that it only seems logical to assume a woman who's been with 30 men is probably a lot more likely to stray than a woman who's been with eight. Until there's some solid research the jury's out on this one, though.

UPDATE: a 2007 study of American women, " Sexual infidelity in a national survey of American women: Differences in prevalence and correlates as a function of method of assessment.," discovered a 7% increase in infidelity risk per each additional partner (also, a 10% decrease in infidelity risk per each additional year of education) for women. This means roughly twice the chance of infidelity for a woman with 10 lifetime sexual partners than for a woman with one, three times the chance for a woman with 16 partners, and four times the chance for a woman with 20 partners. Thus (to our female commenters below), the importance of an article like this for men at all interested in monogamy.

Anyway, what's all this mean for a woman's male partner?

Well, this means that, at least according to the research we already have, the higher a woman's partner count is, the more likely she is to stray from her man... and thus, the more likely he is to get stuck with a lifetime of rearing another man's child under the false impression it's his (you may be surprised to know that 1 out of 10 children born in marriage in the United States are not fathered by the husband in that marriage), or carrying a permanent infection from one of his lover's new partners when he thought he was the only one and that she was safe (one of the dangers of sex, unfortunately).

That's a little doom and gloom for you, which normally I don't like touching on on this site, but it's there for a reason: I want to highlight why knowing a woman's partner count is valuable, because a lot of people get upset that you're even talking about this and tell you to stop.

They tell you it doesn't matter.

They tell you that you don't need to know.

They tell you to put it out of your mind and forget about it.

But any time people tell you something like this, they usually have an agenda.

My recommendation: any time anyone asks you to censor yourself or, worse, censor your thoughts, stop and ask yourself why they'd want you to do that.

I also want to give another warning though, while we're on the topic of warnings: do make sure you see things from the woman's perspective too. Especially on the Internet, people easily fall into the habit of demonizing one another, and lying's one of those things that's easily to demonize. Yes, women lie about their partner counts; and it's extremely, extraordinarily common. You could almost say it's universal, even among otherwise saintly and innocent girls.

Women aren't lying to you because they're tricky and manipulative. They're lying to you because they're scared: scared you won't think they're worthy of you. Scared you'll judge them as low value. Scared of social rejection.

This is preprogrammed protective behavior; women can't control it. It's like asking a guy how many girls he's slept with; it's almost automatic that he's going to exaggerate up because he's scared of being judged weak and undesirable. Well, women just automatically exaggerate down, because they're scared of being judged loose and undesirable.

But, as it were, how many partners a woman's had doesn't just impact how likely she is to stray. It turns out, at least from everything I've seen, that it in fact impacts a lot of other things in your relationship, too.


Teasing Out How Many Partners She's Had

So let's say you want to find out the truth: how many partners has your girlfriend had?

That's easier said than done.

Over the years, I've had a lot of experiences with a lot of different kinds of women, and I've had girls I've been with open up and admit to me that they lied about how many men they'd actually been with, and I've watched female friends of mine and observed their normal mating behavior over time. I eventually identified four personality archetypes when it comes to attitudes about men, sex, dating, and love, that almost every woman fits into. They are:

  • Trusting / Naïve
  • Curious / Inquisitive
  • Angry / Cynical
  • Confident / Self-Assured

And they progress in that order.

This is actually a more typically human pattern of adapting to something new than anything else; you'll see both men and women display similar personality archetypes about all kinds of things.

A new sales guy starts off naïve that sales is going to be a cake walk. As he gains experience, he becomes more curious about what makes sales work, and realizes there's a lot more to it than he initially thought. With time, he becomes cynical that sales isn't as easy as he thought and he doesn't get the results he thinks he ought to get; it's too confusing, there's too much going on, and it's not fair that it doesn't ever seem to go his way. Finally, he comes to accept that people are the way they are, selling is the way it is, and he learns what works, what doesn't, and how people think, and he works within that system to get what he wants.

And so it is with women and dating: and from what I've seen, much of the time these dispositions towards men, dating, and sex can be tied almost directly to a girl's number of partners, + or - two partners or so.

Guys go through this same thing with learning how to pick up a girl. Most of them either find a higher quality girl than they were able to get before and settle down in the first or second stage (these are the guys you'll hear announcing that they've found The One, and then you never hear from them again), or they take a stroll down washout lane in the third one (these are the guys you see cynically complaining that pick up doesn't work and it's all looks or money or status that women go for). Few men make it to the final stage, where they've accepted what they can and cannot do and know how to get the best results for themselves consistently.

But back to partner counts.

Here's the infographic I put together depicting how many partners a girl's had based on her attitude toward sex and love:

how many partners

Let's go into some detail on each.

0 to 2 Partners: Trusting / Naïve

These girls are sweet, though I typically find them a bit too nice and trusting for my own tastes. I'm constantly afraid I'm going to hurt them.

They're basically playing love on "Beginner": everything's new and wonderful, and the emotions they feel at this stage are more powerful than they will at any other stage of their romantic careers, because everything feels so outside their control and left up to fate.

As a rule of thumb, the less control a person has over something, the more powerful around it his emotions will be (both the good and bad emotions); the more control over it he has, the less potent will be his emotions.

How do you recognize a trusting / naïve girl? She'll have the following characteristics:

  • Very strong emotional attachment to you
  • Falls head-over-heels in love with you extremely quickly
  • Never takes charge in a relationship; lets you be in charge
  • Never doubts you or suspects you of anything
  • Believes everything you tell her
  • Often seems shy or reserved
  • Conservative - doesn't like trying new things
  • Feels like sex is both naughty and exhilarating
  • Has a lot of sexual inhibitions
  • Sex equals love; the two are inseparable

The trusting / naïve girl's odds of cheating in a relationship are somewhere pretty close to zero. She's totally devoted to her man, he's the greatest thing in the world to her, and there's also a good element of guilt and fear mixed in: if she loses him, what if she never finds anyone like him ever again? And if she cheats on him, wouldn't it hurt him so much?

If you're going to date one of these girls, I strongly, strongly recommend only doing it if you're going to be very responsible with her emotions. Remember that her relationship with you is going to be one of the most formative events of her life, and at this point in her relationship career you're going to have a big impact on how her future relationships go.

I've mishandled things with girls like this a few times myself, and they count as among the few regrets I have in life. Don't hurt a girl - steer clear of trusting / naïve girls if you can't treat them very tenderly and manage their expectations expertly, and if you don't want something close to what they do, or what they think they do, anyway (serious, committed, everlasting love).

3 to 7 Partners: Curious / Inquisitive

Curious / inquisitive girls are probably my favorites. They're often likely to be shy excited girls, who are starting to break out of their shells but not totally broken out yet. Perhaps part of the reason I personally like these girls so much is because it gives me the opportunity to be their "guide," and that can be a lot of fun - you can easily be one of the most positive and influential figures in a woman's life if you reach her in this phase and guide her to more understanding of herself, her body, and romance in general.

These girls are more open than trusting / naïve girls are, but they lack the negative energy of the angry / cynical girls, and don't have the often capricious nature of the confident / self-assured girls. They come equipped with the following traits:

  • Fairly strong emotional attachment to you
  • May or may not fall in love with you quickly
  • Attempts to take charge but relinquishes control easily
  • May suspect you of things, but her concerns are easily assuaged
  • Believes things you tell her at first, though questions them later
  • Alternates between shy and excited
  • Can seem conservative, but is testing the waters outside
  • Sex is less naughty and less exhilarating, but still good
  • Has fewer sexual inhibitions and is more curious
  • Sex and love have an ambiguous relationship

The curious / inquisitive girl's odds of straying from her partner are significantly higher than the odds of the trusting / naïve girl's. She's also a lot more likely to have fast sex and casual sex, though she's still pretty reserved about these and doesn't actually want them (though she may well be very curious about them).

She will, however, sometimes put herself in situations where she can be quickly seduced, simply because she's curious to see what will happen. This can happen even if she's in a relationship, sometimes leading to "something happening" that she didn't intend to happen, and a lot of guilt because of it. Curious / inquisitive girls are the ones most likely to tearfully tell you about it if they cheat, seeking your forgiveness (trusting / naïve girls would probably be even more likely to do this if they ever strayed from their partners, but they pretty much don't do that... ever). They'll also worriedly tell you about a date they went on or a guy they kissed but didn't mean to much of the time if these things happen, because the guilt is eating them up inside and they can't contain it.

These girls are far more resilient than trusting / naïve girls, but you still need to handle them with care. They'll still tend to put a lot of trust in you, and it's easy to damage that trust - and them, and their future relationships - if you don't handle that well.

8 to 19 Partners: Angry / Cynical Girls

These girls are my favorites for quick pick ups, simply because of the challenge of getting hit with attitude throughout the entire pick up (it makes for a much more rewarding conquest when you finally get them), but I'd never enter into a relationship with one of them (and never have), simply because their views of men, sex, love, dating, and relationships are so warped by dashed dreams and bad experiences that their relationship baggage will eat you alive.

'Nuff said.

Here's the skinny on these gals:

  • Very cautious and often love/hate emotional attachment to you
  • May fall in love quickly, but will fight it the whole way
  • Uses lots of drama and complaining to browbeat her partner
  • Suspects you of things, and nothing can tell her otherwise
  • Doesn't believe a thing you tell her
  • Is angry, frustrated, cynical, or grouchy much of the time
  • Sometimes tries to control herself, other times lets go with reckless abandon
  • Sex is hedonistic and she has a love/hate relationship with this, too
  • Has a few sexual inhibitions and some sexual preferences
  • She resents that sex and love are not the same thing

Angry / cynical girls are basically girls who've "broken out of the Matrix" when it comes to the romantic fairy tale that everyone's fed since infancy about finding the Love of Your Life and everything being perfect and rainbows and gumdrops and butterflies and all that good stuff. They're realizing the real world is different from that... but they sure don't like it that way.

They haven't come to acceptance yet. They usually blame men for not giving them what they want, and for not appreciating the things they do for them. If an angry / cynical girl sleeps with a guy quickly and he doesn't want a relationship with her, she'll hate him for not seeing how amazing she is after she got intimate with him; if an angry / cynical girl dates a guy but can't get him to commit, she'll hate him for wasting her time or failing to deliver on what she perceived as his promise by dating her (whether such a promise was given or not).

Angry / cynical girls are more likely to stray from their partners than the two earlier, less experienced women, and while they'll feel guilt as well, they'll typically manifest it as blame instead of guilt. Rather than thinking, "I did something horrible to my man by cheating on him," they'll think, "It's my MAN's fault that I was driven to cheat! I'm INNOCENT! HE was failing to meet my needs."

And when you go on the Internet, it's the angry / cynical girls who are the ones that are the most vocal opponents of men asking women how many partners they've had. They've got something they want to cover up, and they don't want people digging (contrast this to the two earlier women, who'll feel either A) it's okay to tell the truth because they've had virtually no partners, or B) embarrassed that they've had a few "too many" partners, or contrast this with the last type of woman, who's comfortable with her sexuality and doesn't blame anyone else for the life she's chosen to live).

I highly recommend staying away from having relationships with women in this phase unless you want to spend most of your time dealing with another person's (your girlfriend's) relationship baggage and then getting blamed for it. Trust me... let these girls work out their issues with men, sex, and dating before you hop into a relationship with them. You'll be happier with any of the other three kinds of girls than you will be dating a girl like this. She feels bad about herself and the world, and she'll make you feel bad, too.

20+ Partners: Confident / Self-Assured

how many partnersHave you ever gotten so good at something - an instrument, a video game, a sport, an art, or heck, even picking up girls - that most of the emotion went out of it and you just saw the Matrix for what it was? In other words... you saw everything you had to do, and were able to execute properly without worrying about the outcome? You knew that sometimes things went your way, and sometimes they didn't, and it was no big deal either way, because you knew how to get what you wanted to get in the end?

That's confident / self-assured girls. They are the connoisseurs of men among the female sex. They've paid their dues with men, and now they're ready to embrace men and dating and intimacy and relationships the way they really are, without putting any undue emotions upon them.

These girls can be a blast... if you can handle them. What's that mean? Well, here're their characteristics:

  • No strong emotional attachment to you
  • May get infatuated, but falling in love is rare and doesn't last
  • Will constantly be in charge of the relationship unless you're an über dominant man
  • Doesn't spend much time worrying about what you're doing
  • Has a good instinct for if what you're saying is true or not
  • Usually seems confident and open
  • Liberal - loves adventure and trying new things
  • Sex is hedonistic and she loves it for what it is
  • Has virtually zero sexual inhibitions and strong sexual preferences
  • Sex and love are totally separate and one doesn't need the other

Confident / self-assured girls are the most likely to stray from their partner because, to them, it's not really a big deal. After all... it's just sex! That's the mentality, anyway. Gone are the days when they thought sex was this super-important affair that had to be sacredly guarded. Now it's something done recreationally for enjoyment and new experiences and to let off steam.

They're also a handful in a relationship: they know exactly what they want, and they know exactly what buttons to push with a man to get it. And they're very willing to walk away and won't think twice about it; they might tell a guy they miss him once they're broken up, but there's a good chance they're telling three or four other guys the same thing at the same time.

I say that confident / self-assured women are a blast if you can handle them for these reasons; they're very positive people, very clear about what they want out of life, and they won't burden you with the neediness or the drama of the three earlier stages of women. But, you've got to accept that they're wild women; they didn't get to 20+ partners by accident. Even if they don't go out much, if you're with them long enough they're probably going to stray at some point, and you can't take it personal. And if you're not a master at relationship control, you're going to relinquish power to them at some point and they'll tire of you quickly.

There's no shortcut and no pretending to be at her level, relationship-wise; you've either got to be there, or you're going to have a fascinating-but-brief relationship with a woman like this, unless, that is, you do exceptionally well at not causing drama and at being her boy toy.


Closing Thoughts on Partner Counts

So what's the best kind of girl to date? How many partners should she have, and what attitude toward sex and relationships and men should she have?

That's going to depend on you.

If you want sweet and innocent, trusting / naïve girls are your hole-in-one bet here. But be prepared for long nights of staring into each other's eyes, and large amounts of emotional dependency. You won't be challenged much, which means your relationship will be both easy to manage and not very stimulating.

If you want peppy and you like the "teacher" role, curious / inquisitive girls can be a lot of fun. On the downside, they can still come off a little too trusting if you're more experienced than they are, and a little too conservative. Though, I find it rather charming, normally :)

If you want... well, actually, I can't think of anything you might want from the angry / cynical girls, unless you have masochistic tendencies. However, I do know a few guys who seem to be - well, not happiest, per se - but perhaps most addicted to the kinds of semi-abusive relationships they end up in with women like this. These are the women most likely to engage in hardcore "taming" of their man and who will hate him if he breaks and hate him if he doesn't. There's really no way to win here. Fun for challenging and rewarding hook ups, but not so fun if you find yourself dating them.

If you want crazy sex and as close to a drama-free relationship as you're going to get, confident / self-assured girls are probably the way you want to go. That said, you'd better be pretty confident and self-assured yourself, and you won't last long if you're the type who stays up late at night worrying whether his girl is splitting time with him and another fellow or not.

There's really no "perfect" woman out there, just like there's no perfect man out there for those women to date (no, not even you... though you can always get closer to perfection!).

There's just perfect enough.

Unless you're dating an angry / cynical girl, that is. In which case, all I can say is Godspeed, my friend. Godspeed.

Oh, and before you let me know how wrong I am in the comments - that, for instance, you're an extremely confident girl and you've only ever been with three men - stop and think for a minute if you match not the overall definition for confidence, but the one I defined above for confidence about men, dating, sex, and relationships.

I'm not saying that inexperienced women can't be confident. But I am saying they think and behave differently, sometimes in subtle ways, sometimes in not-so-subtle ways, than gals with a higher kill count do.

To your adventures,

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mike's picture

Have you never heard of the "rules of 3". Whatever number she states as to number of guys slept with, take that number and multiply by 3. rule also works for guys, take number he states and divide by 3.

keep it kinky

Al's picture


Interesting article, but I can't help think there are more variables at play you seem to be suggesting - especially in the 20+ category.

Age is a big one. If a 36 year old woman has notched up a 'kill count' of 20, then that's an average of just one guy per year since the age of 16. Obviously this is subjective but I really don't consider that particularly high. I wouldn't necessarily class a woman like that as 'wild' or difficult to tie down.

If a 21 year old girl on the other hand had slept with 20 guys, I wouldn't be surprised if she did indeed have the characteristics you outlined above.

Also, what about women who 'played the field' back in the day but now want to settle down/possibly start a family? There's plenty of women like that out there and I can't imagine they never feel emotionally attached or worry about what their partner is doing. They might not even be all that confident after years of being pumped and dumped rather than being treated as serious relationship material.

My last girlfriend (26) had by her own admission around 20 previous partners. I don't know what the real figure was but she was clearly in the 'confident/self-assured' category. She definitely did not have all of the characteristics you've listed in that category. Yes, she was sexually adventurous, but she clearly did have a strong emotional attachment to me - tears and all. I could probably have told her anything and had her believe me, despite her being highly intelligent.

It was also me who was very much 'in charge' of the relationship, even though she was a few years older than me. I don't really consider myself to be an über dominant man - although I'm flattered if you think otherwise. Obviously I don't know for sure whether she cheated on me, but all things considered it seems pretty improbable. I won't bore you with specific details, but I've got greater suspicions about some girls who rank further down the sexual experience ladder.

Not saying these categories are all bull by any means, but I'd definitely see them as just a rule of thumb rather than anything hard and fast.



Anonymous's picture

Just like a bank looks at a past credit report, so should men look and JUDGE women by their ability or inability to keep their legs closed. (STAGED REALITY Blog writes about this)

To me the above is only possible if the woman truly cares for herself, and does not have sexual "switches"..Sure, some women can bang tons of guys then finally fall in love, but more often than not something is missing.. The reason she can bang so many guys in the past is because she was emotionally "not all there", and more or less already scorned, bitter, etc.. A mere shadow of her true self.

Think of our most basic and true nature..Perhaps the first time we had sex..
Usually women have sex for the first time with a guy they at least think they love.. Not many girls are in a hurry to get banged by anybody.

Now over time, many girls can become abused, scorned, hurt, influenced by media etc, and they will drift away from their true nature, which is attaching sex to love.
While women CAN physically have casual sex over the years and it does not destroy them, inside they are never truly content with this..A very small % that might have underwent abuse/are bipolar/repeatedly hurt can block out their natural female emotions as a way to protect themselves.

Sorry, there are double standards..
One small example would be crying... Acceptable for women over many small things, not acceptable for men..I doubt many women would be attracted to guys who cried almost daily over any small thing.

I am pointing out that sex is vastly different for men and women.. That is how we are made.. Even the girl who says she has casual sex without emotions points out the sex she had was with people she was already emotionally connected to, her friends.
I have found that the most insecure women are the most sexual. Making a guy cum seems to be a quick fix for their insecurities. of course aftewards they feel like trash, or are so cold that they lack feelings completely.

I have NEVER met a secure, balanced, confident woman who could just have sex, get up, leave, and feel happy never seeing the person again.

Liane's picture

This is so right on. You just took me through the different phases of my life and explained why I look at things the way I do. You are brilliant. Thank you!

JohnyQ's picture

Very interesting article!

imo the first three categories seems quite accurate, at least from what I have seen my self. However, I think the last one is a bit fuzzy. 20+... I can imagine that a lot of girls reach this number (at least the ones who have not been in so many long relationships) before they are 30. What is the average anyway, for say a 25 year old?

Anyway, I have a question regarding what AI pointed out about women that "played the field" before, but now wants to settle. I am currently dating one of those for a few months. Do you have any thoughts regarding this type of women?

I am asking because we talked a bit about how many partners and stuff each other had, and she told me that she had about 18 her first year at university. I got a bit freaked out by that, however that is now 3 years ago (also an argument she used), and she says she is nothing like that now. We talked a bit more about it, and I arrived at the conclusion that she must at least have slept with 25 guys (she is 23 now). I for sure did not like it, but again I like this girl and I do want to believe that girls can change.

I think it would be interesting to know more about this type of women, because I have a feeling there are a lot of them out there, wherever they admit that they had "that many guys" or serve you a white lie;)


Brandon C's picture

Hi, Thank you for posting this...This is brilliant and from the looks of it, very true...As I went down each category, thought back to women I had been with who fell into each of those...and you are very accurate on your descriptions...

I even had a girl who was a virgin when I met her, a couple years later we got back together and she was already in category two...Same girl, but the differences were there as you described.

Now, I believe that this matrix can also apply to men...I feel I am at stage 3 right now with a total of 14 partners in my lifetime...Yes, I do carry a lot of the angry and bitterness traits as you describe...

I came online searching for answers...Recently my ex-fiance left me...she did it in one of the most cold-hearted ways to me...She just up and words...never really told me why...just completely cut me out of her life and moved on...

This woman falls in your category 4...I was so in love with her while I was with her...she treated me so well...Loved me for me...and then boom, one day she was gone...poof...literally just gone...I've never really had anyone leave that way and it hurt so bad, so I needed answers...

Thanks to your matrix, I think I got my answers....I hope to never be with a stage 3 woman or stage 4 ever again...Just way to many partners for me...Personally, I'd like the first one the best...but I'm 31 years old...where do I find a girl like that...Unless they're 18, I dont see a lot nowdays that can fall into that category...anyway, wish me luck!

Tara's picture

I think it's bullshit that you go on about having sex with gazillions of women but then write this article about how slutty women are untrustworthy and to be avoided.

Anonymous's picture

And here folks is an a perfect example of a Angry/ Cyncal Woman

Anonymous's picture

Sorry you took it the wrong way but in actuality the article was unbiased towards women with many sexual partners; and if you view it as I think it's meant to be viewed: with an understanding that its only theoretical, as a discussion on human behavior, with a filter, because human beings are so varied, then you could ascertain some insights and ideas that possibly never previously occurred to you. Not stating this with judgement, assuming you are "bitter" or covering anything up. In undisputed objectivity many women are in fact "covering up" details about their sexual past, but I wouldn't in any way leap to judge you to that point, the other reply was immature.

To disprove you're argument, the article praised the women with 20 plus partners and only abased those who were in "stage 3" because of negativity; something that many healthy people find unnatractive in a relationship and of course a tendancy toward infedelity which is a take as it appears situation with women: theyre all different and the writer bases this on a scientific theory while also plainly stating the source is obscure and therefore unreliable. I will say though that it makes a decent amount of sense, and that many men, myself included, question the number of partners with the idea that a lower number of partners means a better chance of faithfulness as (if not our main priority) one of our top concerns. It's my theory that this is also genetic and why men typically try to settle with non-promiscuous ladies. It's a gut instinct, our mammal intuition goal for a strong family in hopes of healthy, happy and stress-free survival. Stress kills. And the article doesn't judge anyone, as a matter of fact it is given with an open mentality. We all want what we want, or we don't know what we want until we find it. That's all love and romance is to me.

Anonymous's picture

The reason women who have alot of sex are scornd and men whom have alot are respected, men have to work much harder at getting sex while any decent looking woman can easily walk up to a random guy at a bar and get laid.

Anonymous's picture

Don't oversimplify, please, because such simplifications are the root case of all that bullshit and flame wars out there. There is more to it than just getting laid like security, preferences, social opinion etc.

Anonymous's picture

Just reading through some old posts for tips and came across this.

I think that women scale by age on this. A 50 year old who didn't marry could have 13 partners by the scaling logic and be category 3 and be sweet as an angel.

There's also time factors. Length between partners or wild old days. I think phases come into it here.

That said, I have done 1 in the first category, at least 1 in category 2 and 1 category 3 and most certainly 1 category 4. As said above the 3 made my life difficult, the 1 awesome, the 2 interesting and the 4 was a adventure. Hence, the characteristics (mixing and matching) are spot on!

Thanks heaps!

P.s. I miss category 4 girls. Man, they are fun!

Inigo's picture

I came online looking for answers......Coming from a "traditional catholic country" this subject is highly important when deciding to share your life with the woman on your life. I thought I found mine, a true lady that in the 1st date told me that "she doesn't like sex as sport" and that "she only performs sex when she feels something important to her partner".......well, the point is that after 3 years I discovered(from different sources than her) that she had 14 guys in the previous 3 years before me.....sometimes 3 different in a month, all of them international relations(italians an french)...internet dates......I felt deceived and cheated.....Clearly a 3rd cathegory women(angry/cynical).these women are for fun, not for falling in love with I am completly trapped and I want to leave her, but I can't....obviously everytime I want to talk about her past and I highly its also important to know she says "its better not, cause it would hurt you".....I appreciate the honest tone of the article, explaining that for men these are not paranoid matters, but something as a "critical defense information" that would give us hints for not suffering in future.

A.I.N.'s picture

Leave her even if it pains you. She has lied to you by putting herself across as someone who could control her urges but, in truth, is just one dirty public toilet. Get out now, before it's too late.

Sarah's picture

Women complain about how unfair it is that men are called studs when they sleep around, yet women get called sluts for the exact same behavior. It’s actually not a double standard though, because both scenarios are pretty different in terms of circumstances and consequences. I can think of at least four crucial differences:

First, sleeping around is easier for women. Regardless of how you feel about promiscuity, we can all agree that a guy who manages to rack up a lot of sexual partners has to have some skills. It’s challenging for men to rack up partners, even for men with low standards. A man needs social intelligence, interpersonal skills, persistence, thick skin, and plain old dumb luck. For women, though, a vagina and a pulse is often enough. Whenever an accomplishment requires absolutely no challenge, no one respects it. It’s just viewed as a lack of self-discipline. People respect those who accomplish challenging feats, while they consider those who overindulge in easily obtained feats as weak, untrustworthy or flawed.

Second, women have potential to do more harm by sleeping around than men do. Say a man sleeps around with a bunch of different women. He’s definitely doing harm to these women if he pretends to be monogamous while sleeping around. He may cause them emotional pain by his promiscuity. He may cause unwanted pregnancy. He may spread VD. When women sleep around, however, they can cause not only all these same ill effects but one additional crucial ill effect: the risk of unknown parentage.

If one guy sleeps around with five women, each of whom is monogamous to him, and they all get pregnant, it’s a safe bet as to who the father is. If you reverse genders and have one woman who sleeps around with five men who are monogamous to her, and she gets pregnant, the father could be any of the five men. And if one of those men is tricked into raising a baby that isn’t his, he’s investing time, money, estate and property to provide for a child that isn’t carrying his DNA into the next generations, a costly mistake from an evolutionary standpoint.

Our two basic primal drives are to survive and to reproduce, and promiscuous women traditionally make it hard for a man to know for sure whether he is truly reproducing or is secretly raising another man’s child. Men stand a lot more to lose from promiscuous women than the other way around. And it’s no picnic for the child to not know who his real father is either. And it’s a mess for the women carrying on the deception as well. Or just look at any random episode of the Maury show if you don’t believe me.

Since the DNA test and the birth control pill didn’t exist until recently, there were no reliable ways to prevent pregnancy or prove parentage for most of human history. For this reason society developed a vested interest in preventing promiscuity among women, and society accomplished this by creating the slut stigma. And even though the creation of birth control and DNA tests have made this less of a risk than the past, longstanding traditions and customs are not easy for society to break so the slut stigma remains.

Third, men have evolutionary reasons to be programmed to sleep around more. A lot of women roll their eyes when they hear that men are “hard-wired” to sleep around. But from an evolutionary standpoint, it makes total sense. If the two primal drives of humans are to survive and to reproduce, nothing leads to maximum reproduction like one man sleeping with multiple women. If one women sleeps with many men in a nine month period, she can only get pregnant just once. Nine months of rampant promiscuity would give the same result as nine months of highly sexed monogamy: one pregnancy. Now if one man sleeps with many women during a nine month period, you can get many pregnancies during that period. The more women he sleeps with, the more possible pregnancies.

So from an evolutionary standpoint, there are concrete advantages to men being promiscuous compared to women being promiscuous. This doesn’t mean that women have evolved to be strictly monogamous. Women have evolved to be somewhat promiscuous too, something men badly underestimate. However they haven’t evolved to be as rampantly promiscuous as men.
Fourth, promiscuity poses more risk to women than to men. A woman has more to lose from choosing bad sex partners than a man does. She’s the one who gets stuck with going through a pregnancy and taking care of a baby alone if she chooses a deadbeat. For this reason, promiscuous women throughout history have historically been viewed as being a vastly more irresponsible risk takers than promiscuous men, who rightly or wrongly could always run away from the consequences of unwanted pregnancies easier than women could.

These four reasons explain why the longstanding tradition came about of men being rewarded for multiple partners while women get socially punished for similar promiscuity. Of course all this is gradually changing, but we’re up against millenia of evolutionary and cultural conditioning here, so don’t expect any dramatic overnight reversals.

Understand that I’m just explaining why the double standard came into existence and not condoning or condemning it. This is not an attempt to pass judgment or be self-righteous in any way. It’s just an explanation of why the two conditions are treated differently.

Zac's picture

Imagine this; there is a key that opens all locks in the world. It's a great key right? Now visualize a lock that opens to all keys, it's a bad lock. ;)

Dale's picture

I had only (admitted 20 partners) who martched the description well. But, when I triggered her emotional feelings, she was back in the naive category ( probably the 2nd love.) As far as straying is concerned, this depends on sexual market value as well as numbers, even with high numbers, she won't stray if your better than her alternatives.

Lisa's picture

Not to be mean but going from unexperienced and shy to experienced and confident is true for basically anything new humans, females and males alike, take up. This is a really generalizing post and in my opinion doesn't help people to deal with relationship Problems at all. You always got to look at the individual situation. And they only make sense for 25 year old women maybe. I have to agree that an unusually high number of sexual partners in both males and females can mean trouble a lot of the time but as I said it is pretty pointless to generalize like that. It makes me sad that some people would use such categories for dating. Please never forget you have a Human being in front of you and not a number. Follow your Heart but don't be naive :).

godspeed me   9 months. Of hell 's picture

I think I know you Lisa !! ;p

Thank you for posting this...This is brilliant and very true!

I just brook up with a weirdo 3rd category girl, I was laughing while reading, she is almost 95% as mentioned above + she still texting faking dramas ! I never reply back since last month... when I use to reply I find out she is faking things to have me back! but the thing is i know she dont want me at the same time !!!!

I been with too many ! She is someone special! She though when we first meet that it's "cool" to talk about how her "exs" and how they used to f**k her !!

Saw a video of her having it with one of her "Exs" !! She keep things from previous life and comparing it all with me !!! That was funny and crazy she never happy and she was happy at the same time?? U just can't tell who the heck is she .... All the blame on u whatever she do wrong u are the reason for her to do so !!!

Here is One of her crazy stuff , I Cough her playing with the pregnancy test ! she was trying to make it show positive !! I found a long list of guys on her room with my name last !!
She don't Knw if she love me or heat me !! She strongly believe sex is nothing to do with love !!!!
Nothing called romance or nice talk !! She been throw all of that and it's boring for her !!!

She had too many !! Once she mentioned that her "gay" brother use to compete with her who can hock up with more guys over summer !! They both did well !

After almost three months of the relation She realised that she shouldn't be telling me those things !!

Well was too late I already was thinking how to leave politely, cos we were doing the same course sadly ... No way for me to "Run"!

Just wanted to add that , there is no need to ask a girl whether she been with "too many " you can tell from her "skin" her "vagina " and the way she behave!

I really had the most bad experience! she did effect on me and the way I trust ..... I won get involve in any relation soon .... As that won't be healthy for my partner... I got a phobia from her behaviour...

It was a big day when I brook up with her :) smiles back friends back life started to be as healthy as it was and more ...

listen "do not risk it for a biscuit" with suck kind of girls !! Unless u are worries than her ..

With all my respect to the girls who are not included above! the good girls out there who are the mum of our future kids, who have no time to be hanging round night out or looking for guys as they have higher and better aims for thier life ... i strongly believe those type get a good guys who will find her and be proud to have her as his second half....

It's all depens on how well the girl brought up !! If the environment she brought up in , dose not care how many she had !!! She will end up under one of the above four types !!

If she is educated enough "brought up well " she will relies without a need to go throe hard time , and no need for her to be used as an object to gain the experience !

“Experience is a comb that life gives you after you lose your hair" ;)

All the best :)

SexLogic1's picture

I have been gathering my own informational research data and kind of putting the whole puzzle together. The information here is absolutely valid and he seems to have done his research as well. That being said the only thing missing factors would be a woman's age and time frames between sex acts. Others have pointed this out earlier.

I would also like to add some of the games that mother nature plays on us well. I think men are definitely looking for two types of women. They would gladly bed as many sluts as they could find or as many who would let them. Men will also keep a special place in their heart when they ate ready for a girl who is relating love and sex. Two separate but equal agendas that have genetic advantages.

Science has shown that men with good genes and promiscuous do not need to fall in love or develop long term relationships simply because they don't have to. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free. This type of male usually dose not even have the skills for a deep long tem relationship because he not force to acquire them by women.

Here is a genetic strategy example that mother nature could play on the unsuspecting. A man finds an mentally unstable, beautiful, uneducated , slut , but accidentally gets her pregnant. Now he decides to step up and be a great father but learns a valuable lesson about women because of all the drama from the child's mother. Upon learning his lesson he vows never to hook up with a woman like this again and finds a less attractive but finds stable wife who cannot have children. So now we have at least 3 parents in the picture. We have a bad mother with good genes, father with great genes and improving parenting skills, and finally a step mom with ok genes but great ethics; a child that has great genes a steadily improving father and new improve step mom as well as the genetic mom.

Now let's take the same scenario and apply it to a young woman. She chooses to finally settle down with a man that is a great father and husband but his genetics are not so good. All thee of the children are healthy but have some type congenital problem from the fathers poor genes. As the romance wanes in the marriage she cheats on her husban dwithe an alpha male who is a great lover with fantastic genes but not so good in the parenting department or husband area as well. What just happen? Mother nature has put two irons in the fire. The great father /husband is not going anywhere , he will stick around and raise his kids and she knows that. The wife could very well have a baby by genetically talented man and they break up, but she can handle the one with child support from both father because now she has a new baby with top flight genes. This scenario could easily be flipped around where she could have had child with the alpha male first then found a beta male to help raise them ethically and financially.

There are infinitely different scenarios that can be played out based on genes, careers, education, age, social economic status, you name it and mother nature will take that bet and gamble it. There are over 6 billion people on this earth so the odds are in her favor. When a species is just starting out you want to stick to the basics, like mating seasons and food supplies but after surviving well it becomes more complex set of dynamics.

Anonymous's picture

When u say partners, do you mean sexual partner as in intercourse, or just love connection in general?

Anonymous's picture

When u say student do you mean registered t as in attending, or just application in general?

R. Paige's picture

This was an insightful article, particularly the infographic. I'm currently writing a book, and will credit Chase in using a pic of the infographic.

Anonymous's picture

I don't know I think you can have a mixture of categories 1 & 2. I have been with the same girl for 3 years and I am her 3rd partner. And no she isn't lying I know this simply because I don't care how many people she's been with so she has no reason to and she knows and because I know her very well she's not that type of person that would sleep around. I also know she is a very honest person. I guess since her number was 2 partners before me she falls in category 1. Her first partner was her first boyfriend whom she was with for 6 months and she never really saw him he had never even been to her house. Her second was a 1 night thing and the guy pretty much took advantage of her while she was passed out drunk. I can say she is extremely emotionally attached to me I know I'm her world. But as far as sex goes we were both pretty inexperienced when we started dating but in the first month of our relationship we tried everything in bed. I know that may seem like she was lying about her number since she was so willing to try new things but I could tell they were all very new and exciting for her as well as me. I also told her I loved her I the first month when I was drunk but a week later she said it to me sober. Technically we had sex before we confirmed our relationship but I don't think that means anything because we had been good friends for months before that and she knew I really liked her. She said she really liked me but didn't want to ruin our friendship so it took months of me trying to get her after we made out one night. We were sleeping together before we were dating but I think we were pretty much together after the first time since I saw her every night she would get jealous of other girls and if I had hooked up with anyone else she would have ended it and stopped talking to me. I think when a girl likes you that much they want to explore sex with you. Also about the control thing I think that depends on how much time you've been with them because it went back and forth with us. I have the control now since we recently got back together after being broken up for a few months because I lied to her. I only have control because she got very controlling over me so when she started talking to me asking me why I hadn't been talking to her and telling me how much she loves me and misses me I told her this is how the relationship has to be. That included us not living together anymore for awhile. I think the fact that we were living together she felt the need to control what I did. I know she didn't hook up with anyone in that time because she has two full time jobs and her brother said she would just go home and sleep. Also again I know she would just tell me because we broke up another time for only a day and she made out with some dude and told me. But I definitely agree with the sex=love for her. She would get mad if wanted to have sex sometimes and was romantic about. But then the sex is always awesome trying new things. At this point we've done everything so now it's just sex as usual. But all in all I think those two categories can kind of be mixed with the traits.

The Girl's picture

Frankly, some girls learn more quickly than others... or are just more observant. In other words, you can have a girl who's only slept with 2 or 3 guys but is already Angry/Cynical.

You can also have the optimistic and hopeless romantic. Perhaps she's had enough partners (and shitty experiences to go with it) to be labeled Angry/Cynical, but perhaps she's Trusting/Naive or Curious/Inquisitive.

Those are just a couple examples. The bottom line is that numbers don't dictate all. It is all so much more complex than that...

Anonymous's picture

I was hoping that someone might point out that there are variables. I am currently dating and have been for a year now, a woman that I would consider to be a category 2. She was very open with me and told me that she has had 13 previous partners and seems to be genuinely ashamed. I told her it is not a big deal to me. When she was younger, she equated sex with love and thought that sleeping with a guy would make him love her. She is 38 and I don't feel that her number is that high for a woman of her age. I have no doubt about what category she falls into because she exhibits all of the traits that were given for an inquisitive / curious woman. Yet she also displays many of the trusting / naive traits. She has never once questioned anything I tell her as being the truth. She has total faith and trust in our relationship. This is quite a change for me seeing as how I have been through the entire gambit of women and always seemed to end up falling for a category 3 or 4. I myself have gone through the man stages of all 4 categories, with most of the women I slept with being in my stage 3. I was quite angry and slept with women and treated them poorly just to satisfy my need to get back at all woman. Just as I know that I have seen the error in my ways, I am sure that a woman can do the same.

matt's picture

This article is so accurate it's scary....I have the 20+ partner girlfriend and even though I think that's way too much, it's actually been one of the easier relationships. The only issue I have, and this is my problem that I make up, is that I sometimes don't trust her. That's a huge thing I know, but it's getting easier and easier.

Anonymous's picture

After that article I had some thought and realized if that what Chase wrote is true, then all sort of PUA's will screw their's chances to get happily married. It will go like this:

1. Guys learns PUA's tactics.
2.They get laid with many women.
3.Some time later that will "produce" a lot of 20+ women.
4.PUA's wants to settle down.
5.Wait, they can't because women will cheat on them anyway in most times.
6.Women and men get older.
7.Most of them will get hurry to be married, so they won't care how is their partner.
8.Most of them end in boring, unsatisffing relationships.

Other thing; Succesful man is evolutionally supposed to make children with many women. Then who will support that amount of women and children? If the answer is "other, weaker men", this just shows that stuff is morally wrong.
Monogamous relationships were created for purpose.

Anonymous's picture

Some interesting points here that seem accurate from my exp.

Anonymous's picture

their numbers. This is a fantastic article and is accurate in many, many ways. I can speak from first-hand experience. I was married to a woman who withheld many truths from me prior to us marrying...these truths slowly came out shortly after our wedding and I can tell you that her number count, which she continued to lie about until the very end impacted EVERY aspect of our relationship and was the basis for our divorce. After almost 10 years of marriage, the divorce is final (after spending many, many thousands of $$$).

We have two awesome, beautiful children, but we're involved in a custody battle that still rages on even now. All I can say guys is if this kind of thing is important to you, find out BEFORE, you marry them.

You see, it really is a double-edge sword. Had I known, I would have NEVER married this woman, but then I would have missed out on my two awesome children who I love dearly.

Good luck in your adventures...I'm slowly rebuilding my own life.

Mirlo's picture

Hi there.

This got essay long, so I'll put it short in case you want to skip the rest:
Thank you for the work you do in the way you do it.

The explanation, you can skip it.

First of all, I am not American. I started reading about the American gender wars about fifteen or seventeen years ago, in Nice Guy's "Most American Women Suck". At the beginning I was a bit shocked, and then he got to the point of: "Your critics are your best friends, because they show you your flaws". He had a reasonable point, so I kept reading, and so, I've been following the seduction community, the MGTOW movement and the manosphere in general.

I didn't think Spanish women were as American women were depicted in that site, but I thought the attitude may leak in time. I wanted to try to avoid the gender wars to arrive to my country. I guess we failed: it's easy for some women and men (in positions of power or trying to reach for them) to use feminism as a flag, and make it into institutionalized, legal discrimination of men. Instead of fighting for equality (such as men having the right to raise their kids after a divorce, or men getting help to find a place to live after a divorce, or free kindergartens for working women, things that cost money and time and would actually help someone), they use taxpayer money in studies such as "sexism in videogames" (for all they say about Anita Sarkeesian, and despite not agreeing with her much, I must respect her for asking for voluntary donations instead of simply taking taxpayer money).

Well, in any case. I've been following closely the manosphere for more than a decade and a half. It's helped me a lot to get to know myself and to avoid certain mistakes. Some sites (such as Return of Kings) are hard to read, though I still do, because you can always learn things by seeing from the eyes of others, even if the others sometimes seem to hate the collective you belong to. Even if they hate, despise and deride their fellow men (the hatred and constant demeaning of "beta males" in some of those sites is heart-breaking).

I must admit I didn't much like the "silly and cute" article... I understand you use that approach so as to avoid feeling intimidated by women. I perfectly understand your need to calm your feelings down and feel self-assured. It was still galling. But still, most of the rest of your articles I liked.

The reason why I did the long explanation is to say: of all the sites in the seduction community and the manosphere, I think yours is the best. Not only because of content and writing, but because of the overall ethical and empathic approach you give out.

You seem genuinely intent in not hurting your fellow human beings, men or women.

You also seem genuinely intent in helping all human beings become better persons: stronger, more self-assured, more hard working, healthier, focused, with goals in life.

Something I loved in one of the articles in this site was the "Don't seduce a girl who is truly in love with her boyfriend". Many sites on the manosphere would say that all women are unloyal sluts led by their "vagina tingles" and blame everything on the slut and the "wimpy beta" who wasn't dominant enough to "control her".
You are one of the few who admitted "you are messing with the girl's mind".

After reading a lot on the manosphere, I certainly know now that a woman who cheats is letting her instincts, but even more her emotions, take the best of her. She's showing lack of self-control. And cheating is no small deal: if you have a bad day and are a bit nasty said day, you are not overall a nasty person, you can be still a good person even if you have a bad day. You can always apologize "sorry I said that, I was on a bad mood, I'll do my best so it never happens again" (works better when you actually do your best so it doesn't happen again and you end up becoming a better person for your improved emotional management). However, if you cheat one day, just once, you are a cheater. There's apologizing, but the trust is broken, forever. It will never be the same. I doubt you will ever be the same. You had a set of values and you broke it. You didn't only cheat on your partner, you cheated on yourself. You failed yourself. And if a woman doesn't know how seduction works, and she's in love with her boyfriend or husband, something like that could crush her.

Thing is, if it wasn't for the seduction community I wouldn't know how lust works in women. I grew up thinking sex was associated to love. I couldn't distinguish "attraction" from "liking", and therefore, found myself at age 16 "liking" a guy I absolutely didn't like, because he was a jerk. How could this happen? I was smart! I wanted to like the good guys who treated me well! What was wrong with me, not liking the nice ones and liking this absolute jerk? I wouldn't stand it! It would pass, I knew.

Thanks to the late divorce of my parents, I wasn't very romantic, so I could wait until what I thought "being in love" passed and I was safe.

It took me years to understand that I felt attracted to self-esteem and security in men. Of course, I like the nice treatment. My logical brain likes to be treated well, but the part that made sex accessible (something I had no control over) closed all doors to men who didn't exhale security. I could "like" a man and not want him to ever touch me. I could "dislike" a man and feel "in love" with him. It was illogical, and I wanted to be commonsensical, logical and reasonable beyond everything else.

Do you know what my first reaction to the knowledge provided by the seduction community was? I bet you do: denial.

Emotional self: No! I'm not like that! That stuff wouldn't work with me!

I had a look at my only relationship ever, and though it took time for it to sink in, of course I was like that. I just had been thought to think only men felt lust, not women.

Logical self: Actually, your boyfriend behaves exactly as those people recommend. He was the distance gentleman until you felt attraction towards him.
Emotional self: But he's good to me and treats me well!
Logical self: Of course. But the one who responds to that is me, not you.

At the beginning it was galling. It was the female version of "taking the red pill", so of course, it was hard to swallow. It was even scary, at the beginning. Could I be manipulated into feeling lust so easily?

First denial, then fear that it might be true. Then acceptance.
Logical self: "Men also feel lust, sometimes they wake up with unwanted erections. They can be manipulated by beautiful women, only they do it on the visual side. They may be manipulated into doing things they don't want, or they may not. It's all a question of self-control. I was just caught off guard because of the lack of knowledge about my own lust. Just because sexual attraction is not felt mainly between the legs, just because it feels different, it doesn't stop being sexual attraction. Oh, well... if this is so, I must know as much as I can from this".

Once the first barrier is thrown down, the next ones come down more easily:

"Married women are more likely to cheat".
Emotional self: No! Not me! I'm faithful and my love is pristine...!
Logical self: Well, if those things work, I want to know why, because I don't want to be a cheater. (On to read every boyfriend-destoyer possible).

"Women don't have morals, honor or loyalty".
Emotional self: Not me! I am loyal and!
Logical self: Stop snowflaking. I think I am, but let's read all this info, so I can avoid mistakes I might otherwise be unaware of.

"Women count on men to maintain them".
Emotional self: Not me! I work!
Logical self: Um... I think husband works harder. Plus, I detect I feel a sense on security in the fact that he's there to support me.
Emotional self: Ashamed.
Logical self: I think I'm going to need to work harder. I do work, but I think my husband feels fully responsible for the breadwinning. It's unfair to him.

"Women don't have morals of themselves outside of religion".
Emotional self: mildly annoyed.
Logical self: I set my own set of ethics at age ten, without religious values. Generalization not correct. However, emotions still affected negatively by generalization over women. Get to work on that.

"Next shocking piece of information"
Emotional self: less shocked and more accepting every time.
Logical self: Let's see what I can learn from this.

Getting out of the mental control zone is, I think, the hardest thing to do. But once you pass the first two or three shocks, it gets easier with time. And you learn to challenge yourself, challenge your views and become better.

My youngest brother told me once that he was one day "gaming" a girl who was given him all the kino feedback (letting him hold hands and stuff), but she kept repeating she had a boyfriend like it was a mantra. Somewhen in the night, she said she had to go and hurried up to do so, leaving their friends flabbergasted.
My brother said: "That one knew, if she stood she would fall".

I felt respect for the girl. But I also felt pity for her, because if she had known what I did, of course she would still feel the attraction, but she could have controlled the situation in a better way. It's hard to do the right thing when you don't know what's happening inside your head, because all you can do is avoid mistakes.

I knew when I was 17, a girl of my age who dated a jerk. None of us knew why, he had nothing going for him: not looks, not intelligence, not funny, not even money, (which is an awful reason, but at least is a reason), and didn't treat her well. Seen in retrospective, every other guy in the group was highly insecure and unfocused.

That girl broke up with the guy on simply logical reasons, by exerting simple, old-fashioned self-control, but it was hard because se had feelings for the guy. We went to congratulate her because hey, girls should encourage not-jerk-dating behaviour. But good lord, if we had known then what we know now thanks to the seduction community, things would have been so much easier for her. Maybe she wouldn't even have started dating the jerk. But she thought attraction meant love, and therefore, made the mistake.

Now I know that when your reproductive instincts do not have a good secure man close, they focus on the aggressive jerk rather than in the nice guy. Which is why the seduction community is doing such a great and necessary job: teaching the nice guy to be sexually attractive will keep the girls away from the jerks. A nice guy sarging will always be better in the long and short term that the real, natural jerk.

How many times I had to dump a guy with "I only see you as a friend", when what has happening was "I feel tenderness towards you, I care for you, but your insecurity and lack of focus in life make me feel absolutely no desire to feel your lips on mine or your hands on my body". If I had known what was going on in my own head, I would have pointed them to this site as soon as possible. I used to feel so guilty for not liking the nice guys, when it was the reasonable thing to do. (Mind you, my husband is a good man, he's just also strong, self-assured, and knows damn well what he wants ever since he was a teen. I feel secure and safe beside him).

Ooops, this is getting essay-long. I just wanted to thank you for your consideration. When I read some of the other guys in the manosphere critizing women for following the "vagina tingles", I just want to scream "it's not felt in the vagina... it's more like a dizzyness, it's felt in all your body... it's a tingle in your neck and spine, it's like being drugged, it's really being swept of your feet, and if you're not taught that it is lust, it can get really confusing".

I was taught to be very logical and to challenge my beliefs and world-views, but maybe a girl from a religious background could be really messed up with.

So... you were kind enough to consider how the others may feel, and I am grateful for that.

If I have a daughter, I will have her read everything I can get my hands on, from the seduction community (if I have a son, the same will apply, of course). But this site will be my favourite, because to the information, you add ethics. A genuine care for other human beings. Empathy on how others must feel.

I just would like to know that you don't apply the "silly and cute" mindset on a professional level. But I have the feeling you don't. You sound like a good man, through and through. And I am glad you are teaching other good men to make women attracted to them.

I think the world is unfairly biased when it's men who feel most of the lust and women who are chased. I believe that, as long as there are men like you, the seduction community will create a fairer world. One in which men are sexually attractive, they will fill the role of lover instead of provider. Women will have to learn to provide for themselves, and men will stop having to break their backs doing all the breadwinning. I think it can only lead to a better world, where people will know themselves better and will constantly work to become better each day.

So, thanks for the good work. I'm just glad that people like you exist.

Alejandro's picture

This was an amazing read. It should be added somewhere for easier access in the future (specifically the insecure out focus part that got me frozen)
I like how the insight is from the point of view of a woman and the battles between the "logical and emotional brains". It still boils down to mostly men getting out of their way to try to make nice guys be sexually attractive or else they will flock towards jerks (guess it's similar to really nice but insecure/overweight women who have no clue how to show themselves with attractive traits) It did scare the shit out of me how you describe you feel towards insecure men... We all have our insecure or no-go or out of comfort moments, i.e somebody says to take somebody out to dance, but I'll just usually say that I don't like to dance (I really don't even though I'm latin, then interrogation phase two begins). Is this gradual? do you smell it miles away, say crossing people on the street?
Good grief what you have going here Chase, I'm 31 and at the "lets just jump from a bridge and call it a life" joke-mindset, but between this shared knowledge and this nice community there is a bit of hope.

divorced_beta's picture

I read the entire article. I read every comment up until this one. The previous comments were helpful and I agree with their views and suggestions. So I skipped the Essay. Then I read the response to that Essay stating how great it was. So I scrolled back up, and learned some things.

I found this site by googling the topic of "what does it mean when your gf keeps lying about her number of partners". In other words, we never discussed this before marriage, but I lived across the street from her and knew she was in at least 8 years of relationships by age 25. And then she told me about her earlier experiences. It is simple to do math. So I always had a number in my head. Last year she cheated on me with some jerk, who now hits her and has 0 things going for him. She has really taken me for a ride. So the number she tells me is what I know. Then from her new bf I learn about another guy, before him when we first discussed separation. I stumbled upon that first guys existence when one of the kids slipped up. But she said they never had sex and I believed her. So I ask her and she says oh yeah I forgot about him... +1. Then I find out about another one +1, same response. So she is only telling me what I already know. I really don't care now, because what has happened between me and the other guy has pretty much ruined my view of her.

Back on topic...
Your comment let me see/understand through the eyes/mind of a woman(maybe like my ex-wife). Because even she would tell me over and over she was in love with him, but I kept telling her it was lust.. He would hit her, I would help her file a restraining order, then she would go sleep with him the next day. I think he is probably using one of these sites, which I really never knew existed. So I guess I am a beta and need to go to that King site and learn to be a jerk. She can barely support herself and she picks that over complete security and being with her children (she gave me full custody). So it must be the seduction part, because the guy is always texting and emailing her and she gobbles is all up. I hope she one day figures is all out and can separate the Emotional/Logic to make her life better. Currently that guy (that she now cheats on with me... lol) is playing into her Emotional self like it is just a game.

Timmy's picture

My fiance told me awhile back before we got engaged that she had 25 partners in her life, I thought that was to much, but then I thought that she would be super experienced and open for alot of things, def not true. She's very good in bed, but not very confident like this article says. Def not open for new things, which bothers me. So maybe she's lying to me to boost her confidence. I love her no matter what, but I think she's lying about something.

Liane's picture

Soooo right on

Anonymous's picture

Well women nowadays are good at Cheating, and will always be the biggest Cheaters.

Anonymous's picture

So is there any way I can tell how many women a man has slept with cause I'd rather not be with a man who has fucked a dozen women.

Mike's picture

When I met my wife she had been with 10 men 2 men abused her, in her life she is 52 now.
She did have a lot of baggage including depression and drink issues.
We clicked as a couple when we met and worked through all her baggage and yes I had some too since my wife died at 50 3 years before we met.

I do agree re comment re "selective amnesia" and also the reluctance to be totally transparent very true.
But we are married and very happy, so labelling all the same is not correct, I feel your comments are about 50 accurate as far as I see them.

so does it really matter how many men a women has had sex with, I have had several women in my time so who am I to judge.
It is important that how you are together rather who she has had sex with in the past, as it is the now that matters and how you cope with baggage on both of you

Anonymous's picture

Well today there are so many Girls these days that need so many men at one time to keep them happy since many of them are Sleeping around much more than ever before, and just Can't only stay with just One man anymore. Very obvious why it is so hard to find a Good Faithful girl anymore these days for us Good men that are still looking.

vega's picture

I've been with every girl in this category. And I have to tell you, your article is on point!

I recently was with the 20+ girl and we had a blast some of the best sex stories of my life. We broke up but she still comes back for more every once in a while when she gets in fights with her current boyfriend. Lol I've been with 25+ girls in my life. I'm32 years old now.

I'm currently dating a crazy cynical, she has those really crazy Moodswings that she blames on the birth control, when she drinks excessively she gets very violent or what she calls "blacks out" she basically hates me during that time which can last up to six hours, and she hates me for no reason sometimes we are having a lot of fun drinking and I'm taking her to very nice places, it doesn't matter. She blames this on possible past experiences that she's had while she's been drunk and does not remember. Sex is good but because I have trained her to do certain things that she didn't know before. It is only good because I am selfish with her, I don't please her too much I make sure I please myself with her. She creates monsters in her head and sometimes breaks up by by just those monsters with no fundamental and immediately starts to go back to her previous life with her former friends and tries to go out possibly even trying to hook up for sex. She's exactly as you described her category. If she doesn't drink and I treat her well she's the happiest woman on earth. Her goal is to start a family have her own house and get married. Lol

I recently dated the naïve girl in North Carolina when I was there for business for five months, I am her third partner. She fell in love with me she admires me I'm like a god it to her long story short I've been away from North Carolina for eight months now and she still text me every morning saying that she loves me and she misses me. I'm going back to North Carolina to end that relationship with respect and helping to make sure that she has her feelings intact while we part ways. She's a good little girl that I taught a few things in bed to. ;) she's 24

Also North Carolina during the same time I dated category "2" girl and long story short you've already described her. She's 28

your article is on point my friend. thumbs up to you and keep it up!!

Assortedthings's picture

I agreed with you until you wrote the section on "confident girls". Most girls I've met who have been with 20+ guys are insecure or have some mental issues. They do know what they want and typically will be willing to upgrade if they can at the drop of the hat. I typically do not sleep with girls who have been with 10 or more men, the risk of stds is significantly greater but I digress. The 3 or 4 sluts I've slept with have all been a Fuck buddy type relationship. These "girls" we're shitty people and the only reason I spent time with them is to fuck and leave. Friend of mine entered a relationship with one of these girls a few months ago despite the advice I had given him. She tried fucking me and I'm sure she was fucking many other men as well. Advice to fellow men out there, do not date a girl who's been with ten or more men. And if she says she went "crazy" in college just do yourself a favor and stop talking to her. As a white male I'd also add don't sleep with girls or enter relationships with girls who sleep with black guys. These girls if they aren't ugly as sin are typically white trash and it's not worth it to you to associate yourself with that class of person. Lest you want someone to do drugs with in a beat up minivan you live in down by the river.

rhubarb's picture

Is it possible that in an effort to feel in control of life this article over simplifies?
Other commentors have mentioned the age related aspect - i.e. that older women will more likely have slept with more men. After all, once you've dated a guy a couple of months you tend to have sex since you want to know if you're compatible as well as just being attracted to someone. The numbers would mount up over years, unless you're lucky enough to find your perfect partner 1st or 2nd time round. Maybe we're all faced with too much choice and options these days though, and are less likely to stick around to make something work.

Also, speaking from my own experience and motivations, those so called number 3 types (the hurt and bitter ones) also react that way if they've met someone who's been misleading. They may not behave angry etc when in the actual relationship, but only after when they've genuinely been let down or over played.

This blog alone is testament to the sheer amount of bullshit men will invest in order to get women into bed! If she had expectations she was honest about and he lets her down, she's absolutely entitled to feel angry due to being misled. It's a healthy reaction, as long as she can move past it emotionally.

It can be very difficult to know how a man will react post-sex, even if you've had a talk about not being into anything casual, and been honest about past hurts and that this has made you cautious about getting involved too soon. Some men go out of their way to make you feel safe and set up what you might call 'the nest' to reassure. Then they suddenly realise they're in real feelings territory post sex, i.e. they realise it's no longer a game, that they've been intimate and that this raises expectations in a woman. She doesn't need to say anything, it's just the way it usually is. Some men can man up at this time, whether that means being honest that they made a mistake because they're an asshole, or reassuring a woman so she relaxes into early relationship mode again (you've discussed the post sex follow up care really well elsewhere, but there are surprisingly few men who'll do this unless they're very much in love).

Lastly, I've seen quite a few women, whether in their 30s up to early 50s, who've been bitter and angry or cynical about male behaviour post-sex, but this has taught them to choose better and they're now in long term good relationships or married. Those women have maybe had 20+ lovers if they're above 45 or whatever. I've seen those women bag really great, attractive and experienced men. Experience can also hone discernment, and 20+ lovers does not by any means always indicate either bitterness, or a tendency to not equate love with sex.

These observations are from my own perspective as a woman in her late 40s, my pool of observation is wider than yours perhaps. Also, it must be said, though I've had 20+ lovers, I have never cheated. I do not agree at all with that statistic. Sleeping with several men can indicate many things - i.e. you're addicted to sex, or you're seeking the right man. When you find him, why cheat?! No, my understanding is that in this life men or women are the type who cheat, or not. It's a deeper character-related thing. Still, there are some good observations here, and the 'horny women' feature made me laugh

laila's picture

At first i thought this article was very annoying. Then i started to relate to the naive girl. i saw myself in my previous relationship... the 2nd stage girl also. It was so true i had to laugh. Then i read the about angry girl....and it almost made me cry. ( ok.... it DID make me cry) and i got SCARED. Until i read about the confident girl ..... and i realized there is still hope. something to work towards. maybe i just need to sleep with more guys, that must be the answer.....(or i just need to take an anger management class).idk

bottom line- i like your point of view. whether your observation of us "wild animals" is true or not true..... who fucking cares. at least you're observing something more than what you see on the surface.

Alejandro's picture

I think this applies for guys too, but with a different angle. What do you mean by "maybe I just need to sleep with more guys" (I advice you do no matter what), as in 5 more? 20 more? Me myself I have had 11 sexual partners and still feel on phase one, freaking naive. And I think 11 more might not change a thing.
PS: Maybe we need a "how to tell the number of sexual partners a guy has been with" article, Chase?

Anonymous 's picture

I've been seeing a girl I knew from school for a while. She is one of the nicest and most considerate I've ever met. I've dated and been with many women but none as considerate as this one. She has a history of some long relationships and some affairs. Probably category 4 and in her late 40's. She has spent the last 9 years being emotionally abused by a narcissist. I know him and he is truly a sick man. I think it broke her so bad for these types that she might have emotionally went backwards category wise. her life has been such hell that she is dying with regret over lost time and bad decisions. Obviously low self esteem drove her to want to be wanted. I've done be same thing in the past, to be honest. She was loyal and gave her soul to this last relationship but I wonder if it was only because she was chasing his never available approval in a classic narcissist/empath relationship. To chase someone so unavailable for so long sometimes means you yourself are unavailable and so you pick people who you never have to "catch". In the classic distancer/pursuer scenario, both fear abandonment, but one pushes away for fear of being abandoned, while the other draws closer to prevent abandonment. The question is, can a relationship break someone down so badly that it 'resets' their desire and appeciation for a more stable and loving partnership. Some people never end the pattern while others finally lose so many times that they hit the humility they need to search their soul and learn from their past. He knowledge of her children being around the wrong men has overwhelmed her with guilt and regret.

Jimbo's picture

This woman wasn't "abused" by a narcissist; she went for him, and she loved it. Women get off on men who either dominate or manipulate them because they get to say, "He made me do it!"

When a woman says, "Why do I always attract X?," what she actually means is, "Why am I always attracted to X?"

Alejandro's picture

I would tend to agree. I think it boils down to people not wanting to be responsible for nothing. several of my friends, acquaintances, girlfriends would have in common that it would be too easy to put themselves in a situation of "it's not my fault, I'm not responsible". And when it was time to be? they would avoid it like the plague, don't answer phone calls of somebody they owed to, disappear when they had to do something they promised, etc.