How to Get What You Want (with Women and Life)

how to get what you wantEver find yourself wondering how to get what you want?

When was the last time you did something that was clearly not in your best interest?

Don’t worry, we all do it sometimes… In fact, most people do it A LOT:

  • We go on a diet, and then order a pizza the next day.
  • We sign up for a gym, pay the membership for a full year and then stop going after a month.
  • We set a financial goal, and then never seem to get around to starting that business.

Do any of these sound at all familiar?

Why does this happen?

I mean, it’s not like it’s hard to figure out HOW to do these things… as Tony Robbins says, “We know what to do.”

Yet for some reason, we always feel caught and smile the smile of recognition when Robbins adds: “…but we don’t do what we know!”

What would it do for you, if you could take control of your own behavior and DO what you know will ultimately improve your life? If you suddenly found yourself with the power to get what you want? How much better would your love life be… how much more money could you earn… and how much better would you look in the mirror?

There is a second list of self sabotage… the list of the aspiring Lothario:

  • We get a girl’s phone number, but then never call her
  • We see a beautiful girl we want to meet, but never walk up and talk to her
  • We want to improve our dating lives, but never even LEAVE THE HOUSE… or at least not often enough to make it happen.

What in the world is going on there? It almost seems as though our brains are wired to keep us chaste, fat and broke!

Of course this is not really the case – our brains are really wired to protect us.

If you’ve studied any evolutionary psychology, however, you know that our brains are wired to protect us… in a prehistoric environment!

  • When there might be a drought or a winter coming at any moment, it is really in your best interest to eat as many calories as possible NOW and store some fat cells for later.
  • If there’s a chance that a sabertooth tiger is waiting around the next corner, it totally makes sense to conserve your energy – you might need it the next second to run like hell!
  • When you live in a tribe of 150 people in the Savannah (and unless you’re the alpha male and tribal leader), you’re really well advised not to be too sexually aggressive around the women you like.

    If she’s spoken for, her lover might well spill your brains all over the cave with a sharp rock.

    (Sexy cave girl… good. Brains on cave floor… Not so good.)

There are three problems with this:

  • This ancient programming is VERY deeply rooted in our minds, at a neurological and emotional level .
  • It has MUCH more control over you than your rational decision to eat broccoli every day, to work out seven days a week and to walk up to that supermodel who’s riding the subway to work with you!

As you can see, none of this is your fault… it’s simply a hardware conflict.

The computer inside your skull is just HOPELESSLY outdated. Surviving in the 21st century with equipment from 10,000 years ago is much like trying to play Modern Warfare 3 on a C64 computer from the 1980s.

We need to install an upgrade… and this post is your patch.

Keep reading.



Somehow, you never seem to get around to going out, you never seem to put in the necessary time of practice. Something always comes up… you were planning to go out last Wednesday afternoon, but then you got a really important email that you had to follow up on.

On Thursday, you saw some beautiful girls at the super market when you did your grocery shopping, but you had to rush home to cut and cook the vegetables so you’d get that done before class that night.

On Friday there was a cute girl on the subway, but you weren’t wearing your lucky shirt, and besides… she was standing up and you were sitting down, so it was impossible to go talk to her.


That email was more important than the ENTIRE FUTURE of your LOVE LIFE? More important than your happiness?

Well… maybe, I don’t know. Maybe Obama needed your help URGENTLY to prevent a major war… hey, it’s possible!

But you really didn’t have TWO MINTUES to talk to the girl in the super market… to at least ask her if she was single and to take her number?

I’m starting to doubt how plausible these stories are…

You’re really losing me on number three though. IMPOSSIBLE to talk to her?

You mean there was a wall between you and her that made it physically impossible to… walk over and say hi?

I’ve made excuses just like those a million times myself. But unless we’re talking about an A-List celebrity who was riding the subway with her body guard that day (because her LIMO was in the garage getting fixed, and the taxi she tried to hail suddenly caught on FIRE…)

…well, unless that’s the case, your brain is likely just coming up with a bunch of nonsense to keep your brain from being spilled on that cave floor.

Don’t worry… there’s nobody with a sharp rock around.

But of course KNOWING this doesn’t make it easier to get what you want – because the fear is entirely EMOTIONAL.

And there aren’t a lot of things more frustrating in this world than living in a big city where you see hundreds of beautiful women each month… and NEVER get yourself to talk to even a SINGLE ONE of them!

Here’s the crux: the excuse generator in our mind is simply FASTER than our decision to ACT.

Maybe in retrospect, it’s always obvious to us that those were just excuses, and that it’s actually POSSIBLE to talk to a girl without wearing a lucky shirt. The mouth can open, the tongue can move, the vocal chords can make sounds, all without a lucky shirt!

But in the heat of the moment, these excuses seem perfectly plausible… and these moments never seem to last very long.

Chances like these come and go in the blink of an eye. If you don't move fast, they're gone.


How to Get What You Want: Drilling

You have probably heard of Pavlov’s dogs… Pavlov discovered that dogs have certain automatic responses that he could trigger very reliably by simply presenting the right stimulus.

In more simple terms: dog sees food… dog salivates.

Every time!

More food for the dog… more icky dog spit on the floor.


The reaction we often have when we see a beautiful woman is JUST as automatic. The girl is the stimulus… the excuse we make why we can absolutely not approach her under any circumstances is the response.

You see a beautiful girl… (I hope you don’t salivate on the floor!)

…your brain tells you why you can’t approach her.

You see another beautiful girl… and your brain QUICKLY, RELIABLY and AUTOMATICALLY comes up with another reason why there’s just no way you could POSSIBLY talk to right this girl, right this moment!

Pretty scary stuff, actually.

Welcome to your auto-pilot, zombie.

As you probably know though, the second half of the experiment was more interesting. Pavlov was able to create a NEW neurological connection in the dogs.

He kept ringing a bell while giving them food, until they were eventually conditioned to salivating every time the bell was rung – EVEN if there was no food around at all!

We need to change up our own neurological connections in the same way, and also by repetition - we need to DISCONNECT the excuse generator!

The best way to do this is to start putting yourself into an environment where there are absolutely NO EXCUSES not to approach the women you see.

Take an afternoon off, wear your lucky shirt, and go out with the SOLE purpose of approaching beautiful girls.

Oh, your brain will still be VERY creative in coming up with reasons why you can’t approach THAT girl right NOW.

But since you KNOW you have all the time in the world and that you ARE properly dressed, the little voice in your head will sound a lot less convincing – and you will spot these “reasons” much more easily for what they really are: creative avoidance.

Your brain is making use of your creativity to QUICKLY get you to avoid the behavior it THINKS is dangerous, and telling you NOT to talk to girls.

Your goal is to practice seeing excuses for what they are until you can do it FASTER than your brain can come up with them.

Then you can put your creativity to better use … for example, to come up with something to say to her to strike up a conversation.


Leaving The House

how to get what you wantThis one was actually a big one for me... If you want to do the above drill, you need to first leave the HOUSE.

And when your intention is to do the kind of drill that your brain THINKS might get your grey matter all over the cave floor again, it will do everything in its power to stop you from even going out.

There’s Obama’s email again, and your laundry is really urgent because you need that white shirt for the meeting tomorrow, and then your annoying cousin calls.

Usually you’d just try to get rid of him, but today the distraction is quite welcome… it gives you a plausible reason to postpone the exercise.

Your friend Peter is married with two kids, and he met his wife in junior high. He doesn’t get it - “What do you mean, it’s difficult to leave the house? You just put on some shoes, open the door and walk out!”

Aaah, but the challenge is entirely psychological!

You need to trick your brain into believing that nothing dangerous is about to happen.

The secrets you need to know about how to get what you want? Use baby steps… and set small goals.

To begin with the drill above, make it your ONLY intention to go out and walk around. Don’t even think about talking to any girls; don’t even sweat what you’re going to say. Your only goal is to just walk around town and enjoy an afternoon off, taking a stroll.

Your brain is much less likely to resist this… and ultimately, Peter is right. You just need to get going.


The Approach

Voilà. You’ve made it.

You’re out on the town, walking around and ready to do the drill… we’ve successfully short-circuited the excuse generator that kept you from leaving the house and just GOING for it.

Now comes the second hurdle… at some point, we’ll have to break it to your brain.

“Sorry buddy, I lied… we actually ARE going to risk getting you spilled all over the place. There’s a beautiful girl right there… let’s GO.”

Guess what your brain is going to say?

  • She looks young… she’s probably under age… you can’t talk to THAT one
  • See that guy in the other grocery aisle? He’s probably her boyfriend
  • She’s with her mother, you can’t talk to a girl that’s with her mother
  • She’s dressed to the nines, she’s probably arrogant and unapproachable
  • She has a look on her face like she’s angry… you better talk to a girl that’s more friendly

Your brain can come up with MILLIONS of these in a split second. NONE of them make any sense:

  • You can just ask a girl how old she is.
  • The people with her won’t bite…
  • …even if one of them is her boyfriend.
  • The way she’s dressed has nothing to do with her personality…
  • …and she might just have a serious look on her face because she’s having a bad day. Maybe she would be all the EASIER to approach because she’d really appreciate if somebody made her smile!

In any case, we could debate this all day long and never find out what’s going on with a girl. There’s just no way of knowing until you actually talk to her.

But when it comes to actually APPROACHING, your brain just won’t let you do it.

Approach anxiety kicks in and nixes that plan right quick.

We need those baby steps again… we need to lie to ourselves again.


Conning Your Own Brain, Part Deux

The battle is half won… you’re walking around downtown, you have time to practice talking to girls, you’re wearing your lucky shirt and you’re psychologically prepared.

Here’s how you can short-circuit the excuse generator and actually APPROACH the women you like… in 5 simple steps.

  1. With the next beautiful girl you see, tell your brain: “We’re only going to walk TOWARD her, we won’t actually talk to her. Only walk in her general direction.” Your brain will comply.
  1. Once you come close, lie to your brain again. “We’ll only get her attention and say ‘excuse me’, so we can ask her what time it is – we won’t actually hit on her.”
  1. Once she looks at you, fool your cerebral matter once more. “We’ll only say excuse me so we can then ask the time. Not going to do anything that could actually lead to a romantic or a sexual relationship.”

If you simply lie to your own brain three times in a row, it will stop getting in the way… and suddenly you’re standing in front of a beautiful girl, she’s looking at you expectantly because she just heard you say “Excuse me”… and guess what.

Now your brain can’t get you out of this situation anymore!


You’re already talking to her… she’s already looking at you… your mouth is already open… she’s waiting.

Now just ask her if she’s single.

Your brain will thank you later, when you’re making out passionately on your patio. :)

how to get what you want


Baby Steps Toward Getting What You Want

In a nutshell, if you want to know how to get what you want, you need to know you aren’t taking the action you want to take because your brain is trying to keep you out of harm’s way.

Your job is to SPOT creative avoidance … and then to start LYING to yourself until it stops!

Tell your brain that you’re not going to do that “risky” thing it fears… and then go right ahead and DO IT ANYWAY.

Baby steps towards making babies. (But glove up… don’t let your brain trick you into that one!)

Once you start using these steps, you’ll quickly find yourself AMAZED at how fast you’re able to start doing things that before had seemed impossible. After even a few weeks or even a single day, you’ll find yourself looking back on what you’ve accomplished and saying to yourself, “Wow... I did that???”

And at that point, you’ll just be getting started.

Onward and upward,


Ricardus DominoAbout the Author: Ricardus Domino

Ricardus was one of the most prolific and respected coaches in the men’s dating advice industry. He’s dated some of the planet’s most beautiful women, ranging from a Miss World contestant, to a model for Coca-Cola, to one of “Brazil’s Next Top Models.” His specialty is daytime street stops. He is most remembered for his “Are you single?” opening line. Ricardus is currently retired from the dating advice industry.

Get Your FREE eBook on Texting Girls

how to text girls pdf

Sign up for our email insights series and get a copy of our popular ebook "How to Text Girls" FREE. Learn more ...

Related Articles from


R!'s picture

Decent post. Whenever I experience my brain sending out emotional barriers to talking to women, I'll usually appeal to my logical side. I'll tell myself, I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. So therefore there is no reason for me NOT to go up to her.

Also, on "Conning Your Own Brain, Part Deux", it seems like you're not following the fundamentals very well. You are going up to her, making eye contact first, and talking first, and with words that seem to lack confidence.

I can see how this article would improve beginners who have little confidence to begin with, and are just getting their start. Once you can overcome approach anxiety, you'll make bounds and strides in your learning.

Anonymous's picture

This reminds me of a certain rockstar who was epic and badass and pulled all the bitches from every direction simply by shutting off his brain and doing the most "dangerous" shit until it was either over or he was right in the middle of sex. That awesome man was Jim Morrison, who didn't lie to his brain as much as he developed a disorder that made him volatiley impulsive. Anything he wanted on a whim he went for, regardless of what would happen next. Sometimes it was good (he'd get drinking buddies, amaze friends with stunts, or pull a bitch off a stripper pole so she could start dancing on his pole;) other times it landed him in jail or passed out drunk in some strangers yard. He used a logical idea, that nothing happens the exact same way twice, and used that to justify his ballsy actions. He started it, as he put it, as a social experiment just to see how people would react to random, planned, or otherwise out of the ordinary things. He never had a thought that it could turn ugly, or wonderful, he was just doing it to see what happens. That's a great place to start. Go up to a girl and do something out of the ordinary, maybe with bravado (Jim always wanted to be an actor, and actors usually use gushing movements to convey emotion in a way minor movements wouldn't get across) and just see where it takes you. She could be receptive (be willing to kiss you after your third sentence) or she could be completely offended (in which case you can choose to make matters worse or get the hell out. What do you think a guy like Jim would have done? -.-) You also may want to do these things drunk or high (though not recommended if you can't handle your shit in front of a cop or can't afford to spend a nite in jail) as being in an altered state of mind makes it easier for you to tell your brain to shut the hell up and come along for the ride. Jim didn't give a good goddamn what happened to him (probably due to his fascination with death) and saw life as something you can never play safe even if safety is what you want. Many things could have happened to him, as well as to you, but the important thing is to indulge regardless of what could happen. Seriously though, compared to him what kind of shit could you get into? He once got arrested in Vegas and pissed on a police officer forgetting or not even caring that back then they had the extra legal right to kill you if they wanted. Luckily his friend's girl bailed them out. If its your time to go, its your time and if it ain't, luck will follow you all the way. So be more like Jim; shut off your thinking (even when it could save you), indulge in everything with an impulsive behavior, and it probably doesn't hurt your cause if you're a bigger than life rockstar who fronts a killer band and can get groupies on a whim (groupies made up only a portion of Jim's sex intake. He really would rather have gone for a girl he saw and liked than have some random bitch come up to him)

Thom's picture

I am a self-proclaimed invalid when it comes to dating or asking girls out...
Recently I started dating a girl 12 years younger than me. I saw her at the bar and needed to say something. It wasn't so much that she was attractive, is that you can feel when someone just wants a decent conversation. So I struck one up. Acting goofy, but still in control. When it came time to get her number, I didn't ask her out to a movie, I told her we were going out for a movie and she better choose one or it's going to look silly looking at a blank screen.

It worked.

We playfully bantered about each other's tastes in movies. And eventually went out.

A few dates later I was curious as to why she had gone out with was b/c as this poster had mentioned, there was no hesitation. She felt that she had my attention. I NEVER gave off a vibe that we were just going to be friends. And it was a CLEAR CUT DATE.

Be direct. Be clear. Women love some guy to take charge and be a leader. They're sick of dudes who would rather let them take charge. What happens then?

This girl LOVED that I made plans. I told her what was going to happen. And she complied. Being subservient in a romantic way, is actually sexy. So, my fellow dateless don't have to be a "bad boy" or a "jerk" just be a man women will follow.

shikhar's picture

Nice post chase....I now can hardwire my brain accordingly to ur strategy..

LoverBoy's picture

Shikhar, this post is written by RICARDUS.

Anyway, Great post!

Anonymouss's picture

I want to leave my current (and first) (and VIRGIN (writing this makes me Feel shameful )) girlfriend of two years.

..because I want to TALK !
And she is a totally feminine bimbo who just can NOT TALK INTELLIGENTLY.


Because she is SO totally vulnerable and emotionally naked in front of me that I FALL IN LOVE WITH HER EVERY TIME I TRY TO INITIATE A BREAKUP AND SHE STARTS TO CRY.

I am sabotaging my success in life SOLELY to remain at her level of intelligence.
She MUST go.

Am I making some wrong assumptions ?

dave   mccutchen's picture

what kind of things do I talk about after approaching a woman.

like for instints what kinds of stuff do I talk about besides complimenting her on her eyes and her hair and her asking her what do you on your job and how do you like your job thoese kind of questions

dave mccutchen

Anonymous's picture

be more spock

jumok93's picture

I LOVE this article!!!

Thanks so much, Richardus!

Add new comment

The Latest from