How to Be Unpredictable with Women (and Up Attraction) | Girls Chase

How to Be Unpredictable with Women (and Up Attraction)

In "Time Efficiency Done Right," Michal asks the following about how to be unpredictable:

be unpredictable

Hi, Chase.

I can't stress enough how your site helped me and opened my eyes. I feel you spend less time on projects because you have great analytic skills and you come up with solution pretty fast while others take hours to think it through.

I have been thinking, could you write a post on How to be unpredictable/not to be predictable? It struck me the other day when I was talking with a female friend - I am too predictable. So I used search and I only found some shattered information here and on forum too. I found on other sites that good technique for this is Push/Pull which you already wrote about. But you said that push/pull is only to increase attraction, not to build it. I know the core of the issue (being predictable), it kills attraction, they are not excited and you are slotted as a boring person. But I dont really know what should I do about this. Make her guessing? And how? Like not saying things outright? Tell her "Ah, now I know why your pink skirt does not seem right to me". She asks why and then I should say like.. "Maybe if you behave good today, I will tell you." Should I start saying "Maybe" more? And answering with: "Maybe I will, maybe I won't" And what other things should I keep in mind? Because I feel it's what women want in a man among other traits - to be able to surprise them even after 5 years in a relationship.

Michal

Push-pull and hinting at things while not fully revealing them build intrigue, which contributes to unpredictability. These are good. And yes, I do use the word "Maybe" quite a lot with women. It's a great answer when you're being pressed for details on something that doesn't help you to answer, and you can add in all kinds of sexual undertones.

But there's a good bit more to unpredictability than these tactics.

This one's an especially interesting topic for me, largely because I love strategy. My favorite computer games were always the ones that demanded the most attention to being strategic - games like Age of Empires and StarCraft were at the top of my list. And my favorite board games likewise - Chess and Risk reigning supreme for me there.

Unpredictability has a very large strategic component to it - because, in learning how to be unpredictable, one must also learn the limits: how much unpredictability is enough?

How much is too much?

Because in this respect, your degree of unpredictability is much like your driving speed: too little compared to someone else and you're a snooze, too much compared to someone else and you're a mad man.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

What about being a contradiction? You mentioned unpredictability and contradictions in your intrigue article. I feel as though this is similar. I try to go for the contradiction side of things more than total unpredictability. My contradiction is that I am caring and understanding and warm, but also an asshole a bit (forgive me im just starting out) For example, I am nice to women, and then completely cold to them and a bit of a jerk for a while then really understanding and nice, etc. Or the other way around, i meet them and am cold and a jerk then we talk for a bit and im nice, etc. I guess my contradiction is that I am caring yet cold. This repels people a bit in the short term, but in the long term they are always attracted, as this gives me a sort of byronic air. What do you think on this concept?

J.B's picture

My personal style reflects the traits mentioned above. Yeah, in my experience, attraction is somewhat always apparent in the long term but it has to be gauged correctly. Too cold she goes into auto rejection, too warm you're her new b.f.f or the happy nice guy she can count on. Also, she has to be physically attracted to you from the start to pull it off correctly, so its always better to start out warm and deep dive from there. Being cool and aloof comes later when you want her to chase.

An example of mine is this girl i met in a bank. She was from my high school and said she recognized me from way back. But back then she was indifferent to me in class even blew me off when i asked her something once. At the bank she was all warm and friendly, the opposite in fact, of how she used to be. Attraction was very apparent to me from the start. But i totally went into asshole mode with her, i claimed to not know her or remembered her because, well, we never really talked back then. Well, she literally kept the conversation going with me, even as i slowly started to ignore her. I played it cool, aloof and distant. Partly because i wanted to get back at her ( I know dumb move she's an 8) and another part because i truly did not care to keep the conversation going. Long story short, being cold then nice tends to work better when she knows you or she's attracted to you more than you are to her. Better being warm then cool because you get more flies with honey than with vinegar; in my experience anyway. There are always exceptions.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Yes, like J.B. noted and like you're doing, switching between hot and cold can be very confusing and exciting to women (especially younger women who don't know what's going on or why they can't control you; older women still enjoy it, but they're better acquainted with the game and they're less likely to panic because the guy who liked them just went cold).

The higher value you become relative to a woman, the less cold you can get when cold, and the more you want to trend politely neutral. The closer you are to her in value, the more you can be a jerk without sending her straight into auto-rejection.

Coldness is best to use after she's not responded properly to something you wanted her to respond to, or after she's tried playing a game. e.g., she rushes off to greet a friend, and you are cold and clearly aloof when she runs back, in an, "Oh.. you're back? I hardly noticed," sort of way. (or, a teenager might use a, "Oh, you're back? That's cool, whatever"). The risk is, if she isn't very into you already or doesn't see you as higher value than her, she thinks, "Oh, I hurt his feelings! Too bad, poor little boy, I guess I should make him feel better." So, this needs to be done pretty carefully based on how she sees your value/status relative to hers and how well each of you can hold your frames. e.g., I'll sometimes have girls not comply with something, I'll go cold, they'll come back try to reengage me by trying to "make me feel better," which presumes higher status on their parts, but I'll just continue to be cold. Then I'll let a little time pass, and then reengage them as if I'm warming back up again, seemingly without any rhyme or reason to why. If they like you, they'll jump at this chance to rebuild the connection, and it's back on, better than ever, and they behave better the next time around (if they don't like you, they'll view it as a game, and be intrigued to see what you do... this is kind of a waste of time, and it's better to then demand they move with you or put in some similar level of high compliance, to see if they will or not - if they will, it's still a game, but one they're open to seeing where you take it; if they won't, it's not going anywhere and you can jump ship).

Chase

Sam2's picture

Chase, your article was some serious food for thought..

I was slightly surprised that you think most people are inclined to stick to their preferences by saying "no" to things they do not want. My intuition on this would be that most people try to be easy-going and approval-seeking by saying "yes", and that "no" would indicate strong character and indifference to what others think.

Apart from this initial intuition of mine, I also see a case where being a "yes man" might contradict "not wasting time". Women often try to propose their own "painless", "tasteless", anti-erotic things such as: "Why don't you join my company for drinks?" Now, if you are a "yes man" here....you end up wasting time with a proposal which does not advance a man's desires (i.e. dates, sex etc)

Your views are welcome

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

Good notes here.

Many people are inclined to say "yes" in the moment to avoid confrontation / breaking the mood, but then beg out after the fact and later stay away from the people or situations who asked them to do things they didn't want to do. e.g., grab dinner with a bunch of your friends and say, "You know what? We should all go take a 2 week trip to Australia. Wouldn't that be badass?" and half of them will say, "Yeah, that might be cool, let me check my schedule," and only later come back with, "Actually it looks like I'm going to be really busy now man," while the other half will just beg out there in the moment: "Dude, that sounds awesome, but I've used up most of my vacation already this year. We should totally do it next year though!"

Very few people will firmly and with commitment say, "You know what? Yes, let's do it."

On saying "yes" to party dates and social gatherings and other platonic invites from girls: yes, absolutely, you've got to turn those down unless you want to end up friend zoned. The movie Yes Man has some rather outrageous scenarios; even when I was in full-on "yes man" mode, I still turned down girls who were just too much, for instance... I remember a very large woman stopping me as I left a nightclub in college and telling me very firmly that she was coming back home with me, and I had to tell her repeatedly I was really tired and had to get up early the next morning and wish her a goodnight (she called me a pussy who was going to sleep alone as I left).

So, I'd say say "yes" to anything that isn't going to majorly derail you from important things in your life, isn't going to blow up your chances with girls you like unnecessarily, and isn't going to lead to you hating yourself in the morning.

Chase

Illmatic's picture

Chase, first of all, thanks for having such a great blog to help guys out. I try your techniques and they work. Even the ones that do not have anything to do with getting girls like most of those tagged mindsets.

I have been waiting to see an article on premature ejaculation and I haven't so I decided to take my own balls in my hands and ask for one. I know this article isn't related to my request but I AM DESPERATE. I get to get girls and then after about 30 seconds or sometimes less, it's done. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is and sometimes it makes me wonder if there is even a point in approaching these girls since the premature ejaculation is still an issue. It totally discourages me. I even had an ex girlfriend come back for sex and get angry and frustrated cos I still had the issue. I was talking to her a while ago and she asked if i had gotten over it. It's embarrassing Chase.

I trust your judgement and I know your articles are based on research and things that actually do work. I should mention here that I have tried every single technique on the internet.....at least, most of them. I'm sure this would be an article that would touch most of your readers cos a lot of men deal with this PE thing. Pls Chase, do this for me....for us.

Looking forward to it. Thanks

Anonymous's picture

Completely stop watching porn!!
and also do alot of kegel exercises

http://rebootblueprint.com/porn-ed-my-stor/

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Illmatic-

I can imagine that'd be quite frustrating, yeah. I haven't had to deal with this much, except for a spate lasting a few months where suddenly I started having difficulty preventing myself from reaching ejaculation too soon; I realized it was mostly in my head, and diagnosed it and fixed it. Hasn't bothered me since.

I have it on the article queue, and I'll want to read a bit more about it before posting on it since I've never dealt with the problem as bad as I know some guys have... but in the meantime, try this: pay attention to your thoughts the next time you have sex, and try to notice if your thoughts are focused on imagining ejaculating into the girl (whether those are, "Oh man, it would feel so good to ejaculate!" or, "Oh god, I hope I don't ejaculate!"). My guess is that's probably where they are, and that's where the problem is coming from - the brain doesn't understand "don't" (case in point: a guy telling himself, "Don't choke! Don't choke!" who then proceeds to, of course, choke); you get what you think about. Think about ejaculation, and you will ejaculate. Don't want to ejaculate, then you train yourself to not think about ejaculation at ALL - in the positive or the negative. You never think about it until you are ready to ejaculate.

Anyway, while you're waiting for a proper article, try that out. I think you'll find out your brain is focused pretty hard on the topic of ejaculation, and that if you can get it off that this issue disappears.

Chase

Michal's picture

Wow, thank you for such a prompt post, Chase.
I see a bit of a imbalance between being "Yes man" and wasting time - I think you should have stressed being "Yes man" with new life experiences more and not "request and invitation you mentioned". I understand what you mean by that but some people might not.
For being different, women always told me how I am not like the other guys because I much more honest with them. But I think being different in 1 thing in cost of lacking other attractive traits is much worse. And I think being this honest is the reason I wanted to see some post on unpredictibility. Once again, thank you.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Michal-

Don't mention it. Yes, I'd say the "new experience" one might be key once you've already gotten a bunch of different experiences under your belt and you've got a lot on your plate to avoid wasting time on things that are repetitive or not all that rewarding, experientially or otherwise. It'd also be pretty important if you retained a large group of friends who all had different things going on - if you're getting invited to 2 or 3 parties a night every day of the week, for instance, you'll quickly run out of time to do anything other than what other people are inviting you to do.

On different avenues for unpredictability - absolutely. Honesty is great, but you want to make sure you're leaving enough intrigue and uncertainty in there too. Rob them of that and things become too clear and obvious... and in the world of romance, excitement, and intrigue, clear and obvious is dull and uninspiring and unexciting. She must wonder a little bit, too, and feel like she just can't quite get a bead on you.

Chase

A++'s picture

Hey Chase! Great article unique as all the others!

Although it's helpful and all, I have a bit of trouble on my hands and hope that you'll bring some light on this or direct to some articles solving this problem.
Now this girl I'm seeing, she loves to make me jealous. ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! She is always like, "Oh he's cute." "Oh my ex did blah blah blah." *Flirting hard with some random guy or friend in my face, screaming/yelling some sex-related stuff* *With her girlfriends she shows pictures of models, or handsome guys she took pictures of, yelling loud in my face some sex-related things* *Holding hands, arm-to-arm grab, etc. with another person all while laughing at ridiculous things in my face* It is very, very annoying. My normal reaction to this is just to throw on the bored-look, unfazed sense of style, I-don't-care-attitude, yet none seems to work. As the article on "Girls Silly and Cute" implies it is fairly silly and cute, but I really want it to stop. Any suggestions?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

A-

My personal rule of dating is, "However she is, accept how she is, or don't date her."

I went through a phase early on where I thought I could shape and mold women to my liking. "If I just get good enough at rewarding good behavior and punishing bad behavior, I ought to be able to turn her into what I want her to be!"

Turns out that people are who they are and will do what they want to do. If she loves to flirt and make men jealous, that's who she is, it's what she gets off on, and it's what she's going to do. You can check out the post on operant conditioning if you want to try and make a dent in her behavior, but I wouldn't count on this making too much difference in highly flirtatious behavior like this.

My suggestion here is make your peace with it and accept that your girl is a girl who likes to look at men, ogle men, talk about men, touch men, and keep herself in the company of men, and decide if that's something you can be okay with and accept it, or decide that's something that crosses a line with you, and since you can't change that part of her, the only thing you can do is change to a partner who doesn't do those things.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I got rejected by a girl in my social circle and she told people and it made me look so bad and lame. My ego and confidence took a big hit and I know this is bad for pre selection. What do I do in a situation like this? How can I not feel like such a lame for this? I want to rise above this! Thank you Chase.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Sorry to hear about it. It's generally better to practice meeting women outside your social circle rather than in it for this reason; see "Social Circle vs. Cold Approach" for more on this.

With social circle, everything resonates, and impressions stick around. You see the same people, and they remember not just the details of what's happened before, but the overall feel about you it gave them. So if, say, people in your circle know you as a guy that girls chase after and who sleeps with a lot of women, and they hear from one girl that she rejected you, they're going to think she's a flakey nutjob. But if it seems like you never get girls and women aren't in pursuit of you, and they hear from some girl over and over about how she rejected you, they're going to think you're the creepy guy, or they'll feel bad for you and say, "Poor sap. He just doesn't really know what he's doing."

The only way to fix this if you fall into the latter camp is by showing them that this girl was quite wrong and, in fact, you're desired by women a lot more attractive than she is. I'd recommend you start meeting women outside your circle and then, once you've got yourself a girlfriend or lover who's more attractive and better socially than this other girl is, let your social circle see the two of you together... if you even care what your old circle thinks by the time you get her.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hey chase, sorry about another comment but I forgot to add this to my previous one. How can I stop being a nice guy and a pushover chase? People picked on me my whole life and kinda still do. I dont do what you say in the articles, like pay for dates or become a friend to them too much. Its just people in general like to mess with me and take advantage of me. What can I do about that?

rocketman from india's picture

Hey Chase Amante,
I am a boy from india studying in class 9 my name, lets call me Rahul(not real name).
our classroom consists of single desks and chairs which are to be joined to form columns of 8 rows of two desks joined together, lets name the places in my row like this---
TEACHER
A1 B1 C1 D1
A2 B2 C2 D2
A3 B3 C3 D3
COL 1 A4 B4 COL 2 C4 D4 COL 3.........
UMN A5 B5 UMN C5 D5 UMN
A6 B6 C6 D6
A7 B7 C7 D7
A8 B8 C8 D8
our teacher has told us to follow anticlockwise rotation meaning a person sitting in row 1 will go to row 2 the next day now there is a guy lets name him X he is a failure and is supposed to be in class 10(grade 10) he sits at A6 and i sit at B6 and a guy named Y sits at B7 he is from class 9. Now the guy X always slaps me from behind and guy Y does the same, if i retaliate with a moderately angry expression and voice, with a slap, guy X gives me two or three if we are locked in a kind of deadlock of who breaks first, guy Y puts a paperball in my shirt i have tried responding with moderate anger as it has always worked, but these guys just stay calm and hit hard. Once one of them had punched me in the stomach and i had responded with anger and told them how dangerous it is to punch at such a spot, but now they take it as fun and to provoke me even more with such a punch and even pass my pencilbox to those sitting behind me including the other columns and some of who are laughing at the scene
there is also a girl sitting at A7 who keeps telling themselves to stop but they dont. guy X also takes my things like my water bottle and puts an eraser in it and my water gets contaminated. I have tried being unreactive to their attacks sometimes but they are socially adept enough to keep up the bullying until give them a reaction and then they start enjoying it. AND EVERYTHING HAPPENS WHILE THE TEACHER IS TEACHING and i am not able to concentrate as a result but this time i have made a resolve to score 95% and above. I have once complained to the class teacher and he has scolded them and told me that if it happens again i should tell him and the kids will be rustigated i kept telling him that please change my place but he repeated the same proposal, another boy Q who sits at C6 offered Sir that he would sit in my place but sire did not reply now that i came back to my place that the boy Q comes to me and says that Sir has told him to interchange places with me, now being very disturbed, I sat in his place and claimed it as my own and traded place with people and all, now that there is summer break, I have a few questions------

(a) sir didnt tell me where to sit directly so if he calls me out on it my image will be ruined, so i think i should not trust the guy Q and rechange places with him when i return and ask him if he wants to sit in my place, he must confirm it my sir would this be the best and what should i do?

(b)also, i am planning to try to deal with this on my own as the teacher might not be able to help everywhere so, how to react to him especially if he takes my pencilbox or waterbottle and also in general?

(c)those two guys X & Y aso bully others smaller than them or those with weak body language so i think that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me and just point out any other personality tweaks

This would mean a lot to me man you do not know how much man i have obsessed a lot about this man i have cried 3 times at home and twice at school, man only a social strategist like you can help, i have asked many of my friends and relatives for advice and most came up with overly agressive and passive(ignore them and they will feel neglected) advice which probably wont work on them or it might but please tell me what you think IT REALLY MATTERS A LOT TO ME and please forgive the long post,
thanks chase

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Rahul-

When I was a young kid, some kids would hit me or throw things at me, and because I never did anything back to them they kept doing it. My father told me to fight back but I never would, because I didn't want to, and because I was afraid that if I did I would hurt them too much or they would hurt me. This stopped as I got older because I figured out how to command enough respect with my vibe that people didn't want to or see any reason to mess with me anymore, but I also decided that from that point forward, anyone who tried anything with me got the same thing back harder. I saw it as a matter of reputation. They WOULD respect me, or I would MAKE them respect me.

I've never liked fighting, but in high school and college, I decided I'd fight back against anyone who physically assaulted me, and I'd fight back harder than they fought me. I started no fights, but I won every fight other people started with me (that wasn't broken up by someone else; one guy on drugs I'd never seen before jumped me randomly in a shopping mall during high school and tackled me until his friends pulled him off while I was basically still trying to figure out what the heck just happened) purely by hitting back harder and angrier and going at it until I won. I didn't have to fight many times. People quickly figure out who are the guys who will shrink and take it and not fight back and who are the insane bulldogs who are going to come back at them harder than they started things out at.

The fact is, when someone takes offensive action against you, he's telling you what he understands and what he respects and what you need to beat him. If he tries to verbally one-up you, you gain his respect and make him submit by displaying better verbal prowess and ignoring or subduing him verbally. When he gets physical with you, the only thing he understands is if you hit back. He punches you once in the stomach, you turn around and punch him three times in the chest, stomach, and face. Even if he wins, if you make him hurt, the next time he wants to mess with you the thought isn't, "This will be funny, because this little punk will just take it and do nothing, haha!" but rather, "Do I really feel like fighting right now? Because that's what's going to happen if I do this to him."

I had a guy karate chop me in the throat once in high school in the back of a classroom. He raised his hands up to fight, and I grabbed his hands, pulled them to the side, and delivered him a headbutt to his face. I wasn't expecting a karate chop to the throat, but he certainly wasn't expecting a headbutt to the face, and he went and sat back down in his seat with blood coming out of his nose and mouth. I wasn't bleeding, so I got to pretend like I was fine (although my throat hurt like hell for a few days). I never had another fight after that in high school.

The only way people messing with you decide not to mess with you anymore is if they learn that messing with you = pain. Obviously, don't cause any permanent damage, but make sure they remember you're crazy and don't care about getting hurt. If you fight like a crazy person who doesn't care how much he gets hit so long as he's able to keep hitting the other guy, people will learn to respect you pretty fast. And then you can be your mild-mannered alter ego the rest of the time.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Chase what can I do to stop getting played by these girls? It's like they all treat me with lower value, they lead me on and don't give me the time of day. It's like they think I'm a joke or something. It irritates me to see people I know get respect from these girls but they seem not to respect me and treat me like I'm lower than them. I really would like to know how to act so I can stop getting played. Gracias Chase.

P.s. what do you do if a girl makes you so angry you want to harm her or degrade her very vulgarly? The girls that treat me low value make me feel like doing this to them. I'm not going to do it I just feel that much anger.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

This sounds like a social circle situation?

I'd recommend you stop interacting with them. If someone treats you with disrespect and you continue to interact with her, the message is, "I accept your treatment of me." e.g., imagine if you treated these girls the same way they're treating you - would they come back for more? Or would they say, "Loser. Screw him," and give you no more time?

Learn from women and do as they do. They tend to be socially ahead of the males their age, mostly forever, unless you're preternaturally gifted with solid social intuition.

But next I'd figure out WHY they treat you that way, and not other guys. What is it about those other men that makes them command the respect of these girls? Look for social nuances, ways of interacting, etc., that you are missing or are not doing.

Then, start doing them.

On the angry feelings - read this: Most Important Thing to Becoming a Lover of Women? Don't Be Bitter.

Figure out what YOU are doing wrong (obviously these girls treat others guys respectfully), and then you can fix it. Don't be upset at the girls - they're going to do what they're going to do. If you were doing things right and one of those other guys was doing things wrong, they'd be treating you with respect and him like dirt. Figure out what you're messing up on, and straighten it out. Point the finger at you instead of them, and tackle it. Make them see you the way you want them to see you, instead of the way they currently see you. Learn how to do that.

Then, with a little time, their views will change.

Meantime, get the Law of Least Effort going on and get effortless in how you deal with them. Put no extra effort in, and calmly shrug off any effort they put into you that isn't positive. Change the dynamic. Make them be the ones who are chasing instead.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

I am in highschool and I want to thank you for all you have done for me. So me and this girl have been seeing each other causally over the past couple of months. At the beginning, she was all over me. Over the past couple of weeks I noticed that she never initiated texts, took a long time to text back and stopped wearing the necklace that I got her. Her excuse was that recently she has become extremely busy and she still likes me. I know I screwed up. I started chasing her. I'm sorry but I tried everything and I can't get her off my mind. She hooked me so well. Last weekend we went out for dinner and then went back to my house. I am aware that it was boring but I have never taken her out before. She payed for dinner and I payed for the cab. When we got back to my house we started hooking up. She didn't let me take her shirt or bra off but allowed me to finger her. After I fingered her, she started giving me a handjob. She stopped half way through saying she wasn't "feeling it". I argued and listened to your advice but it was a firm no. She said she only gave handjobs when she was at her best. Then she didn't want me to kiss her or touch her, stating she was too hot. She kept on saying no and I kept on trying. Eventually, she started up again. We had really intimate moments. Then she had to leave and since we weren't seeing each other all summer we took 30 minutes to say goodbye. I asked her if she wanted to go steady at the end of the summer and she sais maybe but she is going to another country that she has a lot of friends in and if she comes back with a boyfriend don't get angry at her. I don't know what to think, because she keeps on telling me that she likes me, and when I am with her she mirrors me physically and we have amazing conversations. Also she is kind of a slut. She has hooked up with alot of guys. I know I should just wait till summer ends and find out then, but its so hard. I have never ever felt this way about a girl before. I just deleted her contact from my phone in order to prevent myself from texting her. She has done some things in the past to make me insecure about her also. She demolished the wall around my heart and I'm afraid she is playing me but I don't know. If I call her on it she denies it. Her friend told me she likes me. Help.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Well, you have a sort-of sexual relationship going on that has been fully sexual (so far as I can tell) and has been going on for a couple of months. It sounds like you've been chasing after it hard and she simply isn't letting you have it, and before she leaves she lets you know she may or may not come back with another guy. So clearly she intends to meet other men during the summer and see what she can do with them and if she finds one she likes she'll hang onto him, or if not maybe she'll want to spend time with you.

The emotions you have come from chasing and not getting; pretty much every guy who falls head over heels in love chases a girl for a while, doesn't get her, and starts obsessing over her. Unfortunately, this power imbalance goes both ways; the more in love she is, the less you are, and the more in love you are, the less she is. Right now you're chasing, and she's running away, and cushioning the blow by letting you know in advance there's a good chance she shacks up with someone else.

I'd recommend forgetting about this girl and finding someone who's on the same page as you are; I only see you pouring a lot of emotion in here and ending up hurt. Recommend checking these out for a bit on letting go and moving on:

I'd also recommend reading some of the stuff on not chasing, and why this power imbalance is such a sex drive killer for girls (i.e., why she wasn't "feeling it"):

Chase

Wolf's picture

Hey Chase, do you think you can make a quick article on getting respect from men and women? I think that would be a good one and If you could be so kind and give me some quick tips to get respect I would appreciate it greatly. Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

I have it on my list of things to write up (someone asked about it back in February). Until then, have a look at my response to your comment above; everything you need to get respect is already on this site (start with The Law of Least Effort and Sprezzatura Effort and Investing; these really are the key).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase, can you write an article about getting girls to be nice to you? because whenever a girl likes me she teases me a lot but in the long run that's pretty much all she does. It's hard for me to connect with them.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anon-

Not entirely sure I follow. Teasing's pretty nice; it's very often a sign of a good deal of interest! She's essentially signaling to you that she is interested and she's waiting for you to take the lead.

Instead of waiting for her to do anything, start leading. Follow process. And if she tries to tease after you've already made headway, don't let her take things backwards.

Chase

Wit and Logic's picture

Hey, so I'm one that's into music and this song by maroon 5 is the mindset I hope to get girls to think when they see me as scarce and mysterious and alluring. I remember you had an article about girls finding something attractive/magnetizing about a man they might not ever see again as opposed to the guy friend they know they will see the next day or so...

Graduation has happened and grade 12 year is over. Can you give a detailed order on how to really pry that part of a girls mind of this being "her last chance to love me" and really turn it into my favor? It helps that everyone knows its coming as its the last week, so the timeframe and situation allows for an easier time in utilizing a lot of your articles. Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wit-

I can't say I really have experience with the high school scenario, but I can tell you what I do with girls when I'm about to leave town for good: I basically just take the phone numbers I've got that hadn't turned into much yet and fire off a well-worded "I'm heading out of town, it'd be awesome to grab food with you one last time before I shove off" type text. It gets surprising responses from women I can't even remember what they look like when I send the text and suddenly we're going on a date (and often onto more).

If you're leaving high school, I might try something in-person along the lines of, "Looks like we're leaving and will never see each other again. How's about we grab some food sometime this week or next instead of becoming people we used to know?" If you get a, "Don't be silly, of course we'll see each other! I have you on Facebook!" that's a 'no.' Just collect the 'yes'es you get, and set up the dates!

Chase

Wit and Logic's picture

Alright man, I did this last night actually a few times and ya. The mindset of girl when she is realising she "might not get an oppurtunity again" and then I checked for your thoughts this morning and saw that I played out the words you said already. Its good to see my thought process was correct. Thanks man

Nick's picture

Hey Chase!
This is about your latest article.
These type of girls sound great for short term relationships since they push you hard to be great and sound like they have a lot to offer and teach. Good training.

Are there other signs you can tell if a person is narcissistic before talking to them? One obvious sign is if they are putting an obvious effort at being the center of attention. What are others, gaudy revealing clothes, few girlfriends, lots of male friends?

When you say they will tolerate no moments of weakness I know you mean when a man stops caring about certain things or not pushing himself(internal factors). What about when you have a moment of weakness because of an external factor, like death of a close friend or family member, a huge accident that limits you to crutch or chair for a few months, losing tons of money because something outside of your control happened to you? Will women with extreme narcissism recognize that in time you will be back to your old self or will they throw you to the curb?

Also, Chase I find that I have a ton of similarities to a narcissistic person such as no tolerance for weakness, high self esteem,etc. but I don't like being the center of attention(thank god), but I also have a ton of things that would be considered caring traits. A mix of both is what I would consider best.

For a future wife now that I am thinking about it, I want someone who is very passionate, caring and uplifts people to strive for the best of themselves, doesn't care about being the center of attention, ambitious, and self-improvement orientated, playful and humorous, ( this is optional and I might get shit for this, a great cook for me and my kids lol:).

But I also want her to be a strong and dominant women to others when she needs to, is not meek to others, she has no tolerance for weakness to people she is close to( me,kids,family members, close friends) and will let them know whats up, but will not abandon them if their is a chance to help them and will not welcome weak people into her life she is not close to, will not be easily fooled by others and will stand up for herself or others at times if I for some reason can't, only cares about those close to her think about her and not others who do not matter,
and this might be a weird one but I like protecting people and making them feel better, I would like her to show her vulnerable side but only to me or a loved one!
There are probably some other traits I can't think of at the moment.

These are high standards but I will blame that one on you Lol ;) I never had these before I happened upon this site.
Anyway, the question is have you met women who have all of these traits and if so where do they flock to?
Big cities I am speculating cause at the moment I live in a small town and all the chicks here do not care about improving themselves, but I am only 18 and am meeting chicks around my age so they might change into a different phase later in life.
Anyway another great article Chase!

Cheers and much success,
Nick

Edit: Chase read a article and you said you have married before, so now that I know that another question popped in my head if it's cool with you; what would you say was the number one life lesson that you learned from that marriage?
Also, is it considered cold to ask for a prenup so in case of divorce I don't lose everything I worked for or her, how would I go about explaining to her that it is to protect both of us if she objects?

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Nick-

Characteristic signs of a narcissist include use of lots of "I"s in speech and few "you"s (they keep the focus on them, not on others), haughty behavior (viewing many people as "beneath" them), and lack of empathy for others (e.g., you may see them mercilessly ripping into someone in speech without a shred of concern for that person's humanity). These show themselves pretty early if you look for them on unless someone is good at suppressing the signs of narcissism.

On the laundry list of positive traits: yes, you can find them, but there's a "but" attached. With a few rare exceptions, the more excellent someone is, the bigger the downsides he or she has as well. That's simply because it takes a whole lot of work to really be excellent at anything, and work means pushing oneself, and pushing oneself means having a reason to push oneself. Narcissism can be a reason for that, as can other personality disorders - one of the reasons why personality disorders so often coincide with fame, fortune, and eternal glory... people without these don't have the need to push themselves so hard and are comfortable with a more "normal" life. Additionally, the more great things a girl has going on for her, generally, the more in-demand and harder to get she'll be (unless she has a glaring downside or two; e.g., she's crazy). The best place to find them are generally in cities with positive female-to-male ratios and that attract the kinds of women you're looking for. For instance, a guy who wants actresses will do a lot better in L.A. than he will in Helsinki.

But, more than that, I'll do a post on it. "Where to find them" is an interesting question.

On marriage: a prenup never hurts, however, for it to be valid (courts love to throw these out), you MUST have a lawyer representing you and a lawyer representing her throw it out. Otherwise, in the worst case nasty claw-each-others'-eyes-out divorce case, there's a good chance she's able to get the contract nullified by saying she just signed it to marry and didn't know what she was signing and you told her it was fine and that it didn't cover [whatever it covers]. As far as the best lesson I learned... I'd probably say, if you're not ready for marriage, don't give it to a girl with a romantic spin on it, because she'll start putting her eggs in that basket and it will be downright traumatic for her if it fails.

Chase

Ady P's picture

Thought provoking article on being different - or is it more about having the balls to be yourself and not who others expect you to be? I think the key thing to address is game/pick up versus personality because if your just running game, people can tell - especially women, they are the ultimate lie detectors.

Mirroring is great - feeding back what they give you, especially if its negative, there's also something I call verbal aikido where you appear to run with something in a predictable manner and spin them off suddenly with your own twist - that really susses out the stable ones from the crazies.

I agree on being time efficient, it show that your time is valuable, therefore you respect yourself and demand that others do too. Being a yes man - depends on what your saying yes to and whether your actually over-reaching by saying yes. Sometimes on retrospect it pays to stick to your original plans, rather than being blown around like an autumn leaf. Saying no can be from a position of strength or just being passive aggressive and using no as a way of hiding behind the real issue.

I agree on not revealing everything about yourself and interests - I always make a rule of keeping back something interesting about myself from everyone I know existing male / female friends and new people I meet - dates. It doesn't have to be the exact same thing for each person you talk to either, basically everyone knows something different about you but not the whole picture. When you have something really amazing to brag about that will make them go "wow", "that's cool".. hold on to that for yourself. This includes financial / career success, sporting achievements, holiday destinations. Saving good things back powers you up, makes you feel good about yourself without needing others to tell you how good you are - a reservoir of self reliance, it helps towards personal charisma too and we all know how this draws the poontang like moths to a lightbulb.

You have to have your own interests though, rather than trying everything and anything that comes your way, this includes hobbies, education, learning, sporting activities - having a passion about something is key to attraction. It shows you can stick at something long term, just like committing to a relationship at some point because that's what most women look for in the end, they are genetically programmed to eventually get laid and have kids in a 'safe nest environment' - provided by a stable, strong, protective mate. The whole thing about 'acting' alpha , being cocky/funny, unpredictable is how you get the message across.

In simplest terms for the pickup community, there is the beta, the beta who wants to be alpha, the beta who acts alpha, the alpha and the man who doesn't give a fuck about any of the previous stereotypes and is happy being himself regardless of anyone else. And in in tribute to the theme of the original post betas and alpha by their very nature are also very predictable

Anonymous's picture

I've been told all my life im the unpredictible type of man. i guess im just a neutrality, no single hard emotion or feelings in me one day, the next day i change 180 degrees. its not something i do in purpose. but it is both a curse and a bless with women. they expect you to be a reliable man to have a longterm relationship with, as they grow up in values. i think they are pulled off a bit by this kind of personality. chase nailed it down specially in the 'value your time' part, if girls cant take a hold on you is because you are not easily entertained. your mind is always racing new things to do, and you are a proactive person. afterall there is more things to life than attracting a woman right? women love the adventurous, unpredictible, type of men that move forward in life. the kind of man that is in his own brand, the moral dilemma wraped into a misterious envelope. neutral, open minded/spoken out (yet private), proactive, energetic, passionate person. this is called being different from the rest of man out there. so in my opinion...to balance this out: let them eat one or two piece here and there sporadically, to make them think their game works with you. that you have you have your weak and exploitable side to you. and you show it for her and JUST for her. like she has a strange power over you. then do whatever you want again, and repeat. hot-cold-cold-cold, hot-cold-cold-cold. this makes them feel special and you dont appear as a cold bastard either. just a very eccentric individual. thats my grandious speech lol.

Great article!!

BeautifulLife's picture

I'm not sure how I ended up on here. Clearly the audience is men. So, try to read cleanly please. :) I have the same personal philosophy to say "okay!" to whatever crazy suggestions people make as long as no one is going to get seriously hurt, and I mirror everyone from first impressions to arguments. I didn't even realize that made me unpredictable.

As a social butterfly who takes a great interest in people I meet, I get straight to the point in trying to figure out how a man might be different because I now get bored SO FAST. It feels like every man is the same. My current interest always keeps a smile on my face when he takes me by surprise. At the same time, and Chase covered this too, he seriously flaked on me so badly once, and it made me feel like crap so much so that I just wanted to find someone else ASAP.

Men, by becoming a "yes, man", you are not only becoming unpredictable to thrill a woman, but you are building life experiences, stories, a zeal for life...and by that point, you're going to be pickier in women yourself because you'll also want a woman who is excited by the never-ending depth you have now built up.

Really great coverage of all the points in this post and great writing style.

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