How to Ask a Girl Out (the 8 Great Steps to "Yes!")
Thursday, 25 August 2011
A little after I'd turned 14 years old, I asked a girl out for the first time. I walked up to her in front of the entire school, and flat out asked her to go to the school dance at the end of the year with me.
She was the prettiest, most popular girl in school, and she'd flirted with me and chased after me hard for close to a year -- in fact, she'd already asked me out about 6 months earlier (I'd been too scared to say "yes"). But by the time I finally asked her out, she'd largely given up on me -- the window had passed, and she'd moved on.
I didn't know about escalation windows at the time, though I guessed something like that might be the case -- and sure enough, she said "no," albeit in a very socially gracious way. She told me she wanted "to be friends first," which I knew meant we weren't going to the dance together.
The reason I share this story with you is because what I want to talk about with you in this post today is how to ask a girl out -- and my 14 year old self got it all wrong. I'd been planning to write a post on this for some time, but a reader just wrote in asking about this one specifically -- so, I'll put this one off no longer. He says:
“Man chase I really have been in a funk lately. I'm back in school and I feel like a social retard now lol! I need some advice, I really need help with asking girls out on dates and what that actually looks like you know? I'm reading your articles and a lot of it is making sense but closing the deal and getting dates is weird for me. I guess I really haven't actually asked a girl out on a proper date before my last GF I got with because I was able to escalate things with her fast.”
Hey brother, I'm glad to oblige. In answer to your question, I present to you (and all the other cats out there with the same thing on their minds) this post, which will teach you -- emphatically, unequivocally, and without fluff, huff, or pomp of any kind -- how to ask a girl out... and always (or almost always, anyway!) get a "yes."
I'm planning on going fairly in-depth into helping you to get yourself schooled up and solid enough on the topic of how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" in this post. We're going to cover a lot of ground here today.
So on that note, I've split this article up into two subsections. That way, if you're just skimming for the main points, or don't have a lot of time to get all the way through it all, you can take a look through these 3 most vital points now, and then you can come back to the rest later when you have more time or need more tips.
Let's dive into the 3 essential tips you can start using right away to start getting you some "yes"es.
How to Ask a Girl Out: Strike While the Iron's Hot
This one ought to be obvious enough just from that story of mine I shared at the start of this post -- wait too long and the window closes.
But yet, no matter how many times this happens to a guy, many guys keep making this same mistake. I know it sure plagued me for a long time.
That mistake, of course, is the mistake of waiting to ask a girl out until it's too late.
In other words, the guy who's sitting around, biding his time, waiting for the "perfect moment"... and then of course he ends up waiting forever, because the "perfect moment" never arrives.
How often have you had a girl you really liked, that you were waiting for the "perfect moment" to ask out? Probably pretty often, right? If you're like I used to be back in school, you probably have 1 or 2 girls at all times that you're just waiting for the right moment for... and you might very well end up waiting on that moment forever.
Well, new news: women don't wait around forever. They've got options. Competition's fierce.
What that means for you is, if you wait around, you don't get the girl.
On top of that, because attraction has an expiration date, the longer you wait to make something happen with a woman, the lesser her attraction for you becomes -- and the more likely she is to be closed off to doing anything with you.
That means, you ought to ask girls out soon. Like, as soon as you realize you like them, just about, you ask them out. Not a week after you decide you like a girl; not a month later. You ask her out within a few days of realizing you'd like to ask her out -- preferably, you ask her out within a few minutes of realizing you'd like to ask her out.
The less time elapses between the moment you realize you'd like to ask a girl out, and the moment you start your feet moving to go over to talk to her and ask her out, the higher the likelihood is that both A) you ask her out at all, ever, and B) she says "yes."
And I know, that's a little intimidating -- especially if she's really cute and you like her a lot. "Because," you might ask yourself, "what if she says 'no?'"
But here's something else to think about -- what if you never ask her? How many days and nights will you spend tearing yourself up inside just thinking about her wondering, fantasizing, dreaming -- when all you had to do was ask?
Here's what asking right away does for you:
- It greatly increases the odds you get her while she's still receptive to you
- It gets you an answer, now, definitively, so you aren't left wondering forever
- It allows you to start actually spending time with her, if she says "yes," instead of spending time thinking about her -- much less fun
- It starts getting you experience and starts training you to have an easier and easier time talking to girls and asking them out.
At worst, asking a girl out right away compels you to realize that a girl saying "no" isn't the end of the world. And at best... you end up with your dream girl.
See why this is a good thing?
Don't Make the Asking Out a Big Deal
"Miss," I asked that girl back in 8th grade, in front of pretty much the entire school, "would you do me the honor of accompanying me to our graduation dance?"
Nope, I wasn't trying to be cute. Yep, I was dead serious.
And yeah, no, don't do that.
I guess if you lived on the American frontier or you were a sea captain in jolly old England a hundred years ago or something, formality and big-deal-making was a nifty way of having stuff feel special.
Now it just makes everybody nervous. Who wants to be invited on some big, fancy date?
The order of the day in the modern era is "casual." Nobody goes and does formal courtship anymore. In fact, the only time you'll ever even hear women talking about how much they wished a man would ask them on a formal date is when they're near the end of their twenties, and they start talking about how they've had their fill of one-night stands and bad boys and now they're finally ready to have a gentleman come and court them and eventually marry them and take care of them.
Meantime, of course, while some guy is courting them, they're often still having casual things going on with the less formal guys. I know, because I've been both of those guys.
Whatever you might hear otherwise, women don't like formal dates. They don't respond to them. They might think it's a classy, romantic idea, but formal dates don't get women in your bed, and they don't get women being your lovers or your girlfriends the majority of the time either.
Formal dates kinda suck.
So then what do you do? You simplify your dates -- more on this later -- and you ask women out in a super chill, casual way.
Hey Becky, what's your schedule like this week? Let's grab some food or a drink.
Boom, done. Not so hard once the formality's gone. Don't kill yourself trying to figure out exactly the perfect thing to say -- you're just asking her out.
Ask a Girl Out on a High Note
Another lesson you can take away from that early attempt on my part back in 1997: don't just walk up to her and ask her out of the blue (or when she's in the middle of talking to all of her friends with about 200 people standing around watching).
Instead, ask her out on a high note.
If you want to know how to ask a girl out and get a "yes" almost every single time, this one is absolutely the key to the whole thing. You ask her out when she's enjoying talking to you -- and she's going to say "yes."
You know when most inexperienced guys ask a girl out? It's either:
- Out of the blue, like 14 years old me,
- While she's in the midst of conversation with other people, like 14 years old me, or
- As a conversation with her is circling the drain and it feels like it's now or never.
Rephrased, most guys ask girls out when:
- It feels random and awkward, or
- It feels like there's no connection between them and, again, it's awkward.
No wonder so many guys are terrified to ask girls out, and/or not all that good at it. They ask at the wrong damn times in the wrong damn situations!
Honestly, if some random guy started talking to you, and then you guys talked and talked, and then started running out of conversation, and then it started feeling a little awkward, and then he was like, "Hey buddy, we should go grab a pizza and some beer some time," how excited are you to say yes?
Now compare that to some random guy who's started talking to you, and he feels like your long lost best friend, and the two of you are in the middle of laughing at some story he just told, and he says, "Hey pal, we ought to go grab a cheeseburger later this week."
On that second one, you're probably going to say, "Sure man, let's do it!"
Why? Because it was proposed on a high note.
In the very first article I send to subscribers when you sign up for my free newsletter -- signup form at the end of this article -- I discuss the most important difference between men and women.
And that difference is how acutely women listen to their emotions. Women don't decide things because they logically make sense; women decide things because they emotionally do.
And even for men like us, who don't rely on feeling as much as women do, when someone asks you to spend more time with them when you're already enjoying spending time with them, in the very midst of that enjoyment, like in that second example above, you're certainly going to agree, almost always.
And when they ask you to spend more time with them when it feels weird or awkward or random or challenging to keep spending time with them, like in that first example above, you're likely to decline, because you don't want to be feeling that again.
The emotion is key.
So what high notes do you look for?
- She's laughing
- She's telling you a lot about herself
- She's staring at you like she wants to grab you and tear your clothes off
Things like that. If she's smiling and talking with you and laughing, that's a pretty good indication she's enjoying herself with you -- and that she'd be open to spending more time with you and enjoying more interaction and conversation with you. Ask her out.
Still not ready to start asking women out like crazy? Well, I've got a few more insights on how to ask a girl out to help you step up your game there -- so you're in luck.
Pick a Simple Date Idea
... and avoid complication at all costs.
No ice-skating, hot air balloon rides, paintball death matches, or trips to Paris. It's a date... it's for you to get to know a girl and for her to get to know you.
The problem with the really complicated, fantastic date ideas is that they become both logistical nightmares, and often can even be intimidating for a girl to say "yes" to.
To get a handle on what I'm talking about, picture a girl who really likes a guy, and wants to go on a date where the two of them sit and talk and get to know one another, but then he asks her to go play laser tag.
"I'm not really the laser tag type..." she says, hoping he'll just ask her to go somewhere chill instead.
"Oh," he says, feeling rejected, "all right." And then he walks away. No date.
What just happened?
Overactive dates that try to be too "fun" can oftentimes end up being too much for girls and they'll say "no"... even when they like you.
I'll give you the reverse scenario: I've had girls I liked and wanted to get to know better, but they asked me to go to parties with them or go on some crazy adventure like going rock-climbing or something of that nature, and I've turned them down. Why? Because I didn't really want to do those things, and I figured nothing would happen.
Nothing's going to happen at a party date where you're surrounded by a ton of her friends. You won't get to know her much better there, and you can't get together with her in front of 30 people.
And nothing's going to happen with the two of you rappelling down a cliff face. You'll be too tired afterward for anything to happen then, either.
And besides, maybe she just doesn't have the energy or the inclination to go do wild parties or hike a couple of miles.
Those are great things to do with friends, and activity partners, but they're not so great things to do with someone you're really attracted to and want to be with. And women will sometimes even flat out refuse these things because they don't want the guy to inadvertently kill the attraction they have for him by accidentally plopping himself into the platonic guy pal zone.
Bad news you may not be aware of: many of the girls who say "no" to fun dates would rather just get to know you than do off-the-wall activities, and many of the girls who say "yes" to fun dates really just want to have fun -- and could care less who they're going with. They're there for the date, not for you, and you odds of doing anything other than having a nice friendly outing are pretty low.
This isn't always true, but it is a lot more often than you might think.
But guys often take women's refusal to go on these sorts of high-energy crazy "fun" dates as a universal refusal, when it might just be the activity a girl was rejecting -- not them.
To get around this, stay away from inviting girls on crazy wild fun dates, and just invite them on relaxed ones where you can talk.
A few ideas:
- Take her on a picnic
- Take her to the beach
- Meet her at a café close to your home
- Meet her at a chill lounge or quiet bar nearby for a drink
- Have her come over to your place to cook or watch a movie
Pick a date template -- something simple -- stick to it, and you should be fine. It's only when guys try to be crazy and overly clever that it blows up in their faces. All you really need is something laid back where the two of you can talk and get to know each other and build connections... keep it straightforward and she'll probably say "yes."
Let a Girl Tell You When Works Best for Her
One really common mistake I see guys making is trying to shoehorn women into their schedule with no consideration for the girl's own schedule.
So like, the guys who are over-focused on being an alpha male will do things like tell a woman:
Let's do Thursday at 8 o'clock.
... only to have that woman come back and tell them
Oh, sorry, I'm busy on Thursday.
Which builds up a lot of negative compliance.
What I started doing a while back and works great is the innovative (get ready for it) process of... just plain asking a girl when works best for her.
See, I'm no groundbreaker here... just doing simple stuff that gets it done.
So, instead of tossing out some time that who knows if she'll be free or not, or whether it's an inconvenient time for her or not and she'll likely flake, I let her pick the day, and her pick the time.
It goes like this:
Me: We should grab a drink or a bite some time this week.
Her: Yeah, definitely!
Me: When's good for you... what's your schedule look like?
Her: Umm, let's see. I'm really packed most of the week... oh, but I could do, Friday night, or maybe Sunday afternoon?
Me: Okay, great. Sunday afternoon would be perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock maybe?
Her: 1 o'clock works fine.
Me: Perfect. Let's say 1 o'clock then; meet me at my subway station maybe? And we'll grab some food? That sound good?
Her: Okay, that's perfect! I'll see you on Sunday then!
Me: Cool beans. See you Sunday, Christie.
No rejection from her on date or time. No wondering what to do when girls flake -- because flakes largely disappear.
You're seeing her on a date at a time that works fine for her -- that makes it easy for her to say yes, and easy for her to not miss it.
It's the path of least resistance. Make it as easy for her to say "yes" in the moment and show up on the day of your date as you can without overextending yourself.
After Date and Time, You Handle Everything Else
There was a time in my life when I used to ask girls, "So, what do you want to do? Do you want to see a movie, get some food, check out the shopping mall...?"
That time passed, long ago.
Reason being, most girls don't like having to make the decisions. They want to be able to just relax and let you be the leader. It takes work to make decisions, and frankly, most women are the same as most people -- the more decisions you take care of for them, the happier they'll be, so long as the decisions you make are good enough that they don't have to disagree or fight them.
So, after we've found a time that works for her schedule and I can fit into my schedule, I stop asking for her to figure things out. I just make proposals and ask her if those proposals work for her.
Also, on the same note, you really don't want to let girls plan the date for logistical reasons, either. If she has an idea, it's usually better that you can't make it -- unless that idea is conducive to seduction.
Just a few such terrible date ideas for the record:
- Let's go hiking
- Let's go to a party
- Let's go to a nightclub
- Let's all hang out with my friends
- Let's go shopping
- Let's go to a movie
- Let's go to some kind of group activity
- Let's go to a networking event
These all fall under the category of "bad first date." Or bad second, third, or fourth date too, for that matter.
Why do they make for bad dates?
Because they violate those 5 Cs of Dating I mentioned in the article just linked to. For a refresher, those 5 Cs are:
- Cheap (nothing too expensive)
- Convenient (something easy)
- Conversation (to get to know her)
- Covert (not involving anyone other than the two of you)
- Control (you plan and handle everything)
A good first date is:
- At a café where you can sit and talk
- At a park or the beach, preferably with some food
- Having an ice cream or a coffee
- At your place -- cooking dinner, having drinks, "hanging out," watching a movie, studying, etc.
How's that going to help you asking a girl out?
Simple. A big part of the reason why guys get nervous asking girls out is because they don't know exactly what they're doing. Well, if you choose one of those good first date ideas, you're going to know exactly what you're doing: you're taking her on a date she'll like, where the two of you can get to know each other, and that'll be conducive to the both of you potentially becoming lovers if things go well.
If you're inexperienced, perhaps skip having her come over to your place unless you're really feeling it. The rest of those should feel totally safe though.
If She Says "No"... Don't Give Up!
I remember when I used to get this surge of fear and adrenaline before asking a girl out. Like I was going to get stabbed in the hip or something if she didn't want to go out with me.
The funny thing is, it's just a "no." The stock market doesn't explode, the polar ice caps don't melt, and nobody posts a video of you getting rejected online for the world to see (or at least, hopefully not).
The worst possible thing that could happen is she says "no," and you go on with your life.
But you shouldn't just take a "no" at face value.
If she says "no," unless it's incredibly harsh and you just want to hightail it out of there (and that's very rare), play it off. Be a little dramatic. Put your hand over your heart, gasp, and look away. "Jennifer! You break my heart. All I want to do is be your knight in shining armor!"
She'll laugh. You make your exit, perhaps with another quip. "I want you to reconsider this over the next couple of days, okay? Because some day you're going to be sitting there, thinking back to this day, and you're going to say to yourself, 'Damn it, when John asked me out, I should've said yes!'"
And she'll probably laugh again.
And if she does, you are in. Maybe not that time. But ask her out a week later, and she's probably going to say "yes." And if she doesn't, rinse and repeat.
It might sound silly, but you being unfazed when she says "no" is one of the most crazy attractive things you can do around a woman. Persistence is attractive to women like few other things are.
Don't believe it? Try it out. Then come back and let me know how it worked out. You may be quite surprised. Even guys women thought they'd never go out with get dates this way... I've heard plenty of stories of men who've done exactly this. And I've pulled off a few of these myself, too.
Persistence pays off. Don't take "no" so seriously.
Be Cool When She Says "Yes"
Yes, it's awesome that she said she'll go out with you. That doesn't mean cartwheels and victory chants are in order in (well, not in earshot, anyway).
A lot of less experienced guys, when a girl says "yes" to them, they either get really excited... or they get really weird and awkward.
Needless to say, you don't want to go either of those routes, so be prepared for that and prime yourself to be normal after you ask her.
How do you do that? You make a personal note -- internally, before you ever go talk to her -- that no matter what she says, you're going to be cool.
And after you ask her out and she gives you her answer, you're going to continue the conversation on as if nothing else had happened.
Here's what you won't do:
- Get really excited
- Get really nervous
- Start talking to her about the date
- Start telling her you're really glad she said yes
- Start trying to plan out logistics or timing or scheduling
- Do or discuss anything overly factual or logical
Here's what you will do:
- Talk to her exactly the same as you were before
- Pick up on a topic you were on before you asked her out if you need one
Mind goes blank? Ask her what she's got planned for the rest of the day -- that's an easy one. Just make it smooth, natural, and make sure she doesn't have any cause for concern about her decision to say "yes!"
If you stick with these tips and insights on how to ask a girl out, I'm confident you're going to start getting just about every girl you ask on a date agreeing to go out with you.
At the very least, you'll be a very hard guy for a girl to say "I'd like to be friends first" to!
Here's to all your "yes"es!
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