When was the last time you saw a stunning girl during the day and didn’t know how to approach her? The thought perhaps dancing around in your head, you too hesitant to ask it… “Are you single?”
Maybe it was on your way to work you saw her, or while doing your shopping or riding the subway…
Maybe she was just your type, and you realize that if you JUST approached, your chances of her becoming an affair or a soul mate would at least increase from ZERO to POSSIBLE... But you didn’t know how to go about it?
This is your play-by-play.
And, there are many ways to skin a cat… but this is the one that has worked best for me, after a decade of refining the process.
Let’s jump right in.
Direct Or Indirect
Many people wonder whether it’s better to approach a girl directly or indirectly - should you show your interest immediately… or should you strike up a conversation first? Should you boldly hit on her, or give her a chance to get to know you at least a little bit before she has to make a decision about you?
The simple answer is – direct approaches work better in some situations, and indirect approaches in others.
As they say in Malaysia, “because why?”…
The reason is that you usually don’t have a lot of TIME during the day.
In 95% of the cases, if a girl is out during the day, the only reason she left the house in the first place is that she has to get something done. She has to go to work or university, she has to run some errands or meet somebody. She’s busy BY DEFINITION, and on her way somewhere.
This means you have to make a strong impact… and you have to make it quickly. Direct openers are perfect for that.
There are exceptions, of course – if she’s sitting in a café and reading a book, she probably has time to talk to you for a while… and if she’s taking a long distance train somewhere, chances are you can strike up a conversation and break the ice first before showing your interest.
But in most situations, even on the subway or the bus where a girl might be sitting down, chances are your interactions will be cut short… so it is best to get to the point quickly.
Look… I would love to join the marketing hype and tell you that it doesn’t matter AT ALL what you look like.
If I could convince you that any professional model will go to bed with you even if you’re 200 pounds overweight and haven’t showered in a week, I might be able to sell you a 997 dollar DVD set on how to do that. In fact, that would still be cheap.
But, I really don’t want to insult your intelligence… and I think I’d be doing you a disservice if I didn’t tell you the truth:
YES, all else being equal, women prefer attractive men over unattractive men. Every 3rd grader knows that… only some marketers still want to tell you otherwise.
This is doubly true if you approach directly… since you don’t have much time to demonstrate your personality in this scenario, your looks are a big part of what little information she has to go by.
I can’t count the times I’ve seen some really good looking guy go up to a girl with some really lame approach, such as asking her what time it is… and immediately the girl was all about it and asked him if he had a girlfriend.
For most of us, this is not how the world works, though.
Having said that, I also can’t count the times I’ve seen average looking guys approach professional models, singers, strippers, dancers, actresses (or stunning girls with a more “normal” job)… and take them home that night, or a few days later.
It CAN be done… and quite consistently!
So the point I’m making here is threefold:
- Look as sharp as possible. If you don’t get consistent compliments on the way you dress, you should talk to a stylist.
- Average looking guys do well if they have a very specific VIBE when they talk to girls
- Put on your thick skin… you will develop this magical vibe with TIME, so in the mean time don’t take it personally when a girl rejects you
…And So Does Vibe
The reason why some guys who aren’t that good looking have a magnetic effect on beautiful women is all about the way they come across. They’ve mastered the art of the good first impression.
Especially when you’re going out alone, it is crucial to get a grip on the emotions you feel… and hence PROJECT, because women pick up on these things very strongly.
Read these two posts to get a good idea of how to control your state and your vibe, and how to make a good first impression.
Unless you were lucky enough to be born a Greek God, this is really the KEY… if you get this right, everything else will fall into place with time. If you don’t get this right, girls will probably think there’s something “off” about your approach and you won’t get very far, no matter how much you practice, how many girls you approach or what words you use.
So read these two articles and make sure you implement all the advice.
Nuts And Bolts
Okay, let’s get down to the nitty gritty – the actual HOW-TO of approaching women during the day, and exactly what to say and do.
Most people wonder about how to stop a woman that’s walking toward you… usually by the time you say something, she has already passed you and she gets dragged away just by the force of her own momentum.
As you know from the article “How to Use Your Job to Meet Women”, working as a club promoter is an excellent way to practice dealing with this kind of scenario – you simply open your mouth and start talking while she’s still ten to twenty feet away from you.
This way she will notice that she’s the one you’re talking to AND have time to react, stop and respond BEFORE she passes you.
If a girl is walking in the same direction as you are, you will have to pass her before you can stop her. There are two ways: Either
- You position yourself ahead of her, so you can do the above technique, or
- You tap her on the arm to get her attention when you’re right next to her, or maybe a little bit ahead of her.
Fear of Approaching
During the day, most guys experience a lot more anxiety about approaching women than any other time or place. There is no context to socialize with her like at a party, your friends aren’t there to hide behind and there is also no alcohol available for liquid confidence (well at least I HOPE guys aren’t going to the supermarket drunk to chat up women!).
This is GOOD NEWS!
As Randy Pausch said:
“The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!”
Again… the fact that it’s so much harder to overcome approach anxiety during the day time is really good news.
It means that there isn’t a lot of competition.
So just do it, and go get what you want.
I also recommend starting a daily meditation practice… this really helps to get a grip on your emotions, including the fear of the approach… and finally just remember: There is NOTHING to lose.
If you play to win, you might win… or not.
But if you KEEP playing, you WILL win eventually.
And if you DON’T play, you will NEVER win.
What to Say
This is the big one for most people!
Even many years ago, when friends would see me approach girls, the question they asked me most frequently was: “HOW did you do that? WHAT did you say to her?”
And the truth is - if you get all of the above right, it doesn’t matter that much WHAT specific words you use.
That said, I remember back when I was learning this stuff myself, I used to get really irritated at teachers who told me it didn’t matter what I said.
“Yeah but I still have to say *something*, so what do YOU say when you approach?”
I think this is a very legitimate question, and how a girl responds to you WILL vary significantly depending on what you say to her first.
If you don’t believe me, do this:
- Approach five girls and ask them: “Do you know what time it is?”
- With the same body-language and vocal tonality, approach five girls and ask them: “Do you want to fuck?”
See if the words change the responses you get… I have a hunch that they might!
A Forgotten Technique: “Are You Single?”
For the last three or four years, most dating coaches have been advising their clients to approach girls with a compliment during the day.
This works extremely well, and it’s something that I’ve done for years. It takes a lot of confidence to go up to a stranger and just tell them how you feel… most people don’t have the courage to do that, and it’s quite impressive to a beautiful girl – also because it doesn’t happen to her a lot.
However, there is an old technique that used to be popular about ten years ago and that nobody is really using that much anymore.
It is to simply go up to a girl and ask her: “Are you single?”
You may have heard that you don’t want to bring up a potential boyfriend when you talk to a girl… and that is true. But notice that I’m not asking her if she has a boyfriend. I’m asking her if she’s single.
Deliver this from a frame of authority… ask it the way a bouncer would ask her if she is under age. Cock your head back a bit and ask in a slightly suspicious tone.
It throws them off… they often stutter and don’t know what to say at first. It’s quite funny to watch actually.
There are three possible answers you might get:
- “Yes” – if she says that she’s single, that’s a green light to at least talk to her some more. You can give her a compliment now, or simply transition into some normal conversation – ask her what she’s up to, and relate to whatever she says.
- “No” – if she says she’s not single but doesn’t walk away from you, you can still keep talking. She might really be single and just saying that out of caution. So long as she’s staying to talk to you, she’s curious to find out more.
- “Why do you ask?” – Some girls will evade your question and throw a question right back at you. Keep the compliance momentum in your favor – don’t start to justify yourself. Remember, you’re the bouncer - she’s the little kid who forgot her ID. You could tell her that you were just curious, which throws the question back into her court.
Test both the compliment and the “are you single” approach twenty times each, and see which one works best for you.
For me personally, the latter has far outperformed the former.
More important than the words she will use in her response to you when you ask “are you single” are her signs of NONVERBAL attraction (or lack of attraction). She might say that she’s married, but start flirting with you, smile at you and direct your body towards you. Or, she might say that she’s single, but demonstrate with her body-language that she’s not interested in you.
There are really three types of responses you might get from a girl in the first few minutes:
If a girl shows her interest immediately, you don’t really have to do much to “game” her anymore. In fact, if you do it will work against you – it will simply look bad if you try to win over a girl who already likes you… she will just wonder why you feel that you have something to prove. So just relax, have a normal conversation and make sure you set the right frames so she understands you’re a sexual man.
If a girl shows disinterest in you, you can still talk to her for a few minutes so long as she doesn’t walk away… some girls might warm up. It can also help to tease a girl a bit… this can often light up the interaction and demonstrate that you’re not intimidated by her beauty. But don’t waste too much time on girls who are just not into you… keep in mind that there are 3,500,000,000 women on the planet! (That’s a lot.)
If a girl seems somewhat skeptical, however, this is usually because she thinks she MIGHT be interested in you, or she might not be. SHE’S not sure HERSELF yet. This is where making a strong first impression really comes into play. If a girl is neither giving you a green nor a red light, STAY CHILL. Don’t start resorting to convincing behavior and gimmicks and tricks… simply stay in your masculine core, remain unaffected and continue the conversation.
These girls usually come around if you just follow this one rule.
Stick to the plan, keep your vibe going, and don’t forget to ask her “are you single?” You’re going to be surprised by the results you’ll get - give this one a shot the next time you go out… you’ll thank me.
Onward and upward,
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