7 Approach Invitations You’ll Get from Girls


approach invitationYou stand there, somewhere that you often go, when, out of the corner of your eye, you notice her: a sexy girl in a red, skimpy dress.

Man, I'd love to talk to HER, you think to yourself... but can't think of a way you might go talk to her, or what you might say.

Plus, she's all the way over there, and you're all the way over here; it'd be too obvious if you just walked over there.

You go back to minding your own business.

A few minutes later though, you notice that there she is again - only now, she's hovering about right next to you, looking vaguely lost and confused.

She's over here now! you think. I can't believe it! Luck is on my side! But what if she doesn't respond when I talk to her? How do I know she wants to talk to me?

So, you hesitate... and a moment later, she drifts away, as if remembering where she needed to go and going there instead. Ah, missed my chance, you think.

But it wasn't luck on your side, nor was it blind chance - that was an approach invitation.

The reason she ended up hovering next to you, seemingly on accident, was because she wanted you to approach - and wanted to do everything in her power to help make it easy for you to do so.

And if you aren't recognizing it when women do this, you are most likely missing out on a lot of pretty women who really want to get to know you.


approach invitation

I talked about having women do the approaching and opening for you back in "Tactics Tuesdays: Get Approached by Women." And the verdict was, while you can pull this off sometimes - looks, fashion, and certain ways of carrying yourself and behaving help - most of the time you've still got to be the one who makes the approach.

You've still got to muster the courage, set aside any approach anxiety you've got going on, and go say "Hi."

An approach invitation is a woman's way of helping your out and making your job easier - instead of you having to put yourself out there as much, she's making it as effortless as possible for you to approach her.

She's allowing you to open her in a Law of Least Effort-friendly way that preserves your value (instead of you having to walk across the room to go meet her) and minimizes the risk you face.

Thoughtful of her.

But if she's going to go that far, why not simply open you herself?


She Can't Get Rejected

Last week I posted the article "Granting Social Status; and, Not Getting Thrown Under the Bus." A large part of that article was about how key social status is to women.

Status is so important to women that even the kindest, most golden-hearted woman will quite often throw you under the bus socially at a moment's notice if you are not already her partner and you are doing or saying something that risks causing her to lose face socially.

The drive to preserve her reputation often turns even a sweet girl into a ruthless status mercenary when this is called for and unavoidable, even with a guy she likes.

I share this again to emphasize how important it is to women that they protect their social status from suffering any damage to it... status is women's social power and currency, and without it, they risk being ostracized from the group, strong-armed by other girls in it, and seeing the caliber of their mating options decline.

It's important to men, but it's far more important - and binding - to women.

And when it comes to taking status hits, little does as much damage as approach a man and being rejected. Women learn early on in life that no matter how confident they are, it's usually best NOT to be the ones doing the approaching.

I can tell you; I rejected plenty of pretty girls while young, sometimes in very rude / hurtful ways (not on purpose; and I still regret how I rejected some of these girls, who were really quite nice and pretty). A rejection holds a lot more social consequence for a woman than it does for a man.

After all, women are the choosers. Men are the ones who get chosen.

Another way of looking at it: women are the valued resource, men are the creatures competing for that resource. Because men have the capacity to date multiple women, and can choose to invest only a portion of their time in a woman and still enjoy the full rewards of that woman, a man rejecting a woman isn't just saying, "I want another resource"; he's saying, "You are valueless as a resource to me."

Her status and ego take a BIG hit with every rejection... much more so than a man's.

She can't get rejected if she doesn't want to lose face.


approach invitation

Most women won't open and engage you themselves, because the social risk to them is too great.

So what do they do instead?

They string up some bait and go fishin'.

And in this case, they're the bait - and you're the fish.


Enter the Approach Invitation

approach invitationEvery good angler knows that the closer he gets his bait to the fish, the more likely he is to get a bite.

Just as women learn early on in life that doing the approaching and opening themselves is - most of the time - ill-advised, they also learn that - by going and hovering near the man they find intriguing, or by finding ways to smoothly and naturally plant themselves near him - men quite often will do the opening for them.

What's a girl thinking when she does this?

Well, it certainly isn't, "He's nervous, so I'll help him out!" At least not usually, and not past junior high or so.

Rather, what she's thinking is, "He's cute; let me help him notice me," (much of the time) or "He's a sly devil... let me go over near where he is and let's see what he does" (when you're good and smooth with women).

You will get approach invitations from women when it seems to those women you:

  • Haven't noticed them at all

  • Have noticed them and flirted with eye contact a little bit, but are too relaxed where you are now to go do anything unless they come to you

  • Might have seen them or even made eye contact but haven't yet really noticed them (i.e., realized how remarkably attractive they are to you)

Recognize too that most of the time she isn't sold on you yet... she just knows she likes the looks of you, and she wants to come over and see how well the two of you click.

Because of this buildup and uncertainty, though - she's coming all the way over to where you are, and still entertaining some social risk - you or someone else could always call her out on hovering near the guy she's got her eye on and make her feel ridiculous - there's a great deal of anticipation, and a lot of potential for auto-rejection, too.


The Risks and Rewards of Approach Invitations

Because there's a lot that feels like it's riding on her during the approach invitation, it helps to think of an A.I. (approach invitation) as just another escalation window.

Hit the window and pull it off well, and you're flying - she's pleased with you, you're pleased with her, the both of you are pleased together.

Miss the window though, and you've got a mess on your hands if you ever approach - she feels slighted by you, and now hates your guts.

She'll be cold to you.

She put herself out there... and you just ignored her.

Remember, she's often going to be a bit nervous or anxious or excited about giving you an approach invitation. It doesn't enter her mind for one moment that you don't notice her, unless you're so pointed in the other direction that you legitimately don't notice her.

Women are masters of noticing when you notice them. If you notice at all that she's happened to have appeared near where you are, she knows you noticed.

And if you don't open... if you don't engage her, after she went out on a limb to walk over to where you are and position herself near her...

... to her, that's a loud and clear signal that you aren't interested.

In fact, for all intents and purposes, you have just rejected her.

And she won't want to talk to you again.

Obviously then, it's pretty important that you jump all over the chance to talk to her as soon as you realize she's come over to hover near you for you to meet her.


approach invitation

You won't be all that good at capitalizing on approach invitations when you don't realize you're experiencing an approach invitation, though.

You've got to know what to look for.


The 7 Kinds of Approach Invitation

To help you avoid ever missing out on a cute girl who likes you and is taking a risk to help you meet her, here are the different approach invitations you'll encounter with women.

Keep your eyes peeled for these when you're out - you'll typically only have a one to three seconds to respond before a girl assumes you won't do anything / aren't interested / are rejecting her A.I. before she gives up and moves on... women won't usually hover near you for long.

  1. The Plant. Perhaps the most obvious approach invitation, although not without its own challenges. A girl goes to where you are - seated at the bar, leaning against a wall, in a specific aisle in the bookstore or clothing store, waiting for the bus - and plants herself right nearby you, always within peripheral vision eyeshot. Sounds great, right? Well, there are a couple of downsides:

    • Sometimes a girl will plant herself a little too far away, meaning you need to move to talk to her. That's okay if it's easy enough to slide a few feet next to her, but if it's an obvious plant but she's farther than a few feet, you're still going to have to close a distance to open

    • If you fail to strike up a conversation with her within the first minute or two, she'll often still be there for a while (after all, she's planted herself there), but it can get awkward - you know why she's there, and she knows you know why she's there, but neither of you say anything... this is embarrassing to her; it's like being rejected, then awkwardly hanging around the person who rejected you

    For those reasons, if you like a girl, and she plants herself near you, make sure you open her within 120 seconds of her doing so (faster or slower depending on the girl and the situation). You can sometimes wait and open girls 20 or 30 minutes later if you weren't feeling very social, but you're gambling they'll still be around, no one else will have moved in to meet them (if you're at a party or bar), and they won't have completely auto-rejected. Best to just do it soon.

  2. The Hover. You'll see this one most often with inexperienced girls, who are used to inexperienced men, who tend to be pretty oblivious to women's signals and need those women to be as LOUD with their signaling as humanly possible, though you'll also sometimes see it with highly sexual woman who simply don't want to waste time with playing coy. The Hover is when a woman walks over to where you are... then just hovers there, staring in your direction. Girls who do this are making it obvious for you; all you've got to do is turn their direction, smile warmly, and say, "Hello."

  3. The Linger. Quick - think fast! The Linger is the briefest of approach invitations - and also the hardest to capitalize on. Girls using lingering as an A.I. often give you too little time to react, unless you're good. These tend to be moderately experienced women, who feel too obvious doing the Hover, so instead try to rush through their approach invitations as quickly as possible - usually, too quickly. A girl will walk over to where you are... pause, for anywhere from half a second to three seconds... and then continue walking on, as if nothing had happened.

    Because she's in a, "Okay, let's do this and then get out of there if he doesn't do anything," mindset, if your opener is anything other than smooth, she'll play dumb and keep going, too. This one's often hard to differentiate between a girl who legitimately did just happen to pause as she was walking past you - use context to figure it out, or just open every girl who does this if you want to err on the side of false positives instead of false negatives.

  4. approach invitationThe Look About. Similar to a Linger, but with a duration more akin to a Hover, the Look About is when a girl walks over to right near where you are, then... glances about, confusedly, as if wondering where that thing she was looking for could possibly have gone. You will see this one most often in day game, and when meeting women in shops and stores. A girl will invariably react "pleasantly surprised" on your approach, and if she's interested, will show that interest right away. If your approach rubbed her the wrong way / she realizes you're not as cute as she thought from a distance (or, if she genuinely WAS just there by chance and happened to be confused), she'll be nice / polite, and get back to looking for whatever she was supposedly looking for.

  5. Mutters and Sighs. Ever have a girl walk up next to you and mutter to herself, "God, this train is taking forever!" or, "Oh my God... what a day!" Or maybe she just sighs - hufffff. Usually feel like you're supposed to say something here, right? That's for good reason - people usually only do this when they want someone to engage them in conversation. So - engage!

  6. Requests for Help. Girls who want to talk to you will often ask for help:

    • "Can you take our picture?"
    • "Do you know what time it is?"
    • "Do you know where a good bar is around here?"
    • "Can I have a light?"

    How do you know if it's a genuine request (i.e., she's really just looking for information) or it's just an excuse to get you to talk to her? There're no hard and fast rules, unfortunately, but some rough guidelines include if she's giving you signals of interest (her voice is softer / less matter-of-fact; she's smiling an interested-in-you type of smile) and the request is non-specific (i.e., not something like, "Do you know where the 24 Hour Fitness is around here?"), there's a better chance she wants to meet you. If you're not sure, just ask her something else - and see if she's happy to chat (it's an approach invitation), or acts like it's funny you want to talk to her when all she wanted was information (it wasn't an approach invitation).

  7. The Glance. Any of the above, followed by a glance at you, then looking away and smiling to herself, is a blaringly loud approach invitation. About as loud as it gets. Approach immediately... don't even bother trying to look smooth; it's not necessary. She didn't bother either.


Is It Really an Invitation?

The toughest part about approach invitations is figuring out if they really are approach invitations (or not).

I mean, women DO happen to just pause around you while looking for things, or end up next to you by pure chance. These things occur.

In my experience though, when you're well-dressed and look sexual, these are nearly always invitations to approach.

Women who don't want to be approached will steer clear of you because they know you're the kind of arrogant bad boy who's going to assume they're into him and go approach them.

Women who do want to be approached will target you for an A.I. because they know you're the kind of confident sexy man who's going to recognize their invitation for what it is and approach.

Generally, if it feels like a girl is hovering / lingering / otherwise positioning herself nearby to you because she wants you to talk to her, that's what it is, even if she acts like it isn't when you approach. If you get the, "Huh? Oh, you're talking to me? Why?" response often when you approach girls giving you approach invitations, it probably means you're either taking too long to approach, or there's something else wrong with how you're opening and engaging (e.g., you're not coming in naturally enough, or you're coming in in a way that's socially risky for her and makes her have to throw you under the bus - "I noticed you positioned yourself near me! I'm Clive").

If it looks like an approach invitation, and it feels like an approach invitation... usually, that means it's an approach invitation.


approach invitation

So what do you do when you get an A.I.?

Simple enough... you turn to the girl and open her as smoothly and naturally as possible.

Usually you want an opener that assumes a level of comfortable rapport already, as if instead of merely positioning herself near to you, she'd actually started talking to you. This includes openers like:

  • "How's your night going?" [nighttime venue]
  • "How's that coffee?" [coffee shop]
  • "You must be looking for 50 Shades of Grey." [bookstore, she looks confused]
  • "That bad, huh?" [she sighs dramatically]

You can also open with offers - this is an especially nice way of assuming a high degree of familiarity right away, in the right circumstances:

  • "Here, take a napkin." [after she's just spilled something or made a mess]
  • "Stick of gum?" [after she's just sighed or muttered]
  • "Have a seat, it's more comfortable than standing." [she's hovering nearby]
  • "No need to keep looking, I've been here the whole time." [she's looking around]

approach invitation

Additionally, you can also use direct openers here - I've had some very good success using direct on girls giving me approach invitations. It's a nice way of rewarding a girl for going out on a limb to come meet you - she takes a risk to come hint that she likes you, and you give her a compliment from the heart that she eats up. Following up an approach invitation with a direct opener is one of the better ways to get into an interaction that moves very quickly from first meet to between the sheets, because both of you know you each like each other a lot right from the outset, and neither of you is playing games or trying to hide it.


Jump on Those Invitations

I'll leave you with a parting thought on this one: a girl's really doing you a favor and going out of her way a bit - and even taking on some slight social risk - when she gives you an approach invitation, even if it's one of those "too ridiculously quick" approach invitations where she was too nervous or self-conscious to hang around more than a split-second.

Do her a favor when she does this with you: say "hi" and make her feel good.

She's telling you she's intrigued by you and would like you to say something and perhaps the two of you will have some chemistry. That's an awful nice thing she's doing.

If you like the looks of her, do something nice for her too, and make her feel rewarded for having put a little faith in you.

Yours,
Chase

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Comments

One's picture

Please help me with this


Hi Chase, great article. I do love it when a girl positions herself near me, makes everything very comfortable because I just know that she likes me, and i feel more comfortable opening.

Here's the problem I have at the moment and it's one I just cannot seem to solve.

So I believe I have very good fundamentals, body language, logistics, understanding of the female mind and why it's important to disqualify myself as a boyfriend, promote scarcity and gain investment.

Honestly, I am received very warmly by girls and I can tell they are definitely interested, but when it comes to leading things towards sex quickly and setting the frame of 'I'm too busy for anything serious, I'm just a sexy man looking for something a bit more casual ;-)' many girls drop off. The play the whole 'I'm not that kind of girl' routine.

I really dont know how to deal with this from girls, it happens all the time, girls pretending to be sweet and innocent little things that only have sex with guys they are in a commited relationship with.

Chase Amante's picture

Girls Acting Innocent

Author

One-

It's probably either that:

  1. You don't strike them as sexually exciting enough (i.e., they
    enjoy flirting with you more than the idea of sleeping with you)

  2. They aren't convinced by your efforts to disqualify yourself as
    a boyfriend (i.e., they still view you as a boyfriend candidate,
    despite what you say or do)

  3. You aren't escalating smoothly enough / privately enough /
    they're afraid of social repercussions and are trying to make sure they
    don't suffer reputation damage (mostly just if you're escalating in
    social circle situations)

If they're still interested in you as a boyfriend, it's either #2 or
#3. If you're doing cold approach and they're strangers you're not
likely to see again, it's #2. If it's social circle, it's likely a
combination of #2 and #3 (i.e., they know you too well to believe you
aren't boyfriend material).

If it's #1, you'll know because they aren't interested in dating you
either - they just want to flirt and be friends and think you're a cute
/ fun / nice guy.

I'd see if I can nail down which one of these it is, and whichever
one it is, you'll know what you need to home in on for tightening down.

Do also note that some girls will act sweet in a "whatever do you mean?!" type way just as their default... the best way of dealing with this is laughing at them, treating them like they're silly and cute, and leading anyway.

Chase

Balla's picture

Girls brushing you,How to get my mind off girls,Baby Face


Hey Chase, is it also an invitation if a girl brushes against you? I can't tell if it's really by accident or on purpose. Girls do that to me and say sorry to me, I was thinking of saying you did that on purpose with a sexy smile, I never said it cuz I didn't know if it was an accident. How does my opener sound to you tho? What would you say?

Chase im addicted to getting better with girls but it's taken over my mind. Its like my first priority in life, that's how I feel. You ever heard of the saying the more you want something the harder it is to obtain?
Maybe that's why I've been having bad results. Let me know how to stop going so crazy over girls that I can focus on something else and still get results please.

BTW, I get called cute a lot more than I do sexy, I don't mind it but like you said cute doesn't get laid but sexy does and cute gets put into the boyfriend territory, which I always get into. I have a baby face and no type of facial hair, it just wont grow. What can I do with my cuteness and make it more sexy? Thanks Chase

Mundane Answerer's picture

Balla, Write goals


Balla,
Write goals specifically on what you can do, if a beginner then saying a simple hello will work for every (insert specific amount of girls here) approaches, then take step-by-step to take a much better process. Be sure to move fast, take the lead, and go for results while fixing every mishap in the process then you should be fine.

Chase Amante's picture

Baby Face

Author

Balla-

Girls brushing against you are frequently AIs, yes. Not always, but a healthy chunk of the time.

If you can't grow facial hair, that's tough. You might try growing long hair if it isn't a problem with where you work. Working out and getting in great shape will help too - it's hard for a girl to call you a cute baby face when you're bulging with muscle. Although that's more of a long-term play; in the short term, just make sure you're dressing very well, in undeniably cool, adult clothes.

On going crazy over girls - stop looking at their bodies and force yourself to focus only on their faces. Staring at bodies makes you horny; staring at faces makes you see women as people, which dampens the urge to mate a good deal.

Chase

J.J. Jones's picture

Say Anything, Just Say SOMETHING


It pains me how many of these opportunities I've squandered. I used to refrain because I had no idea what to say, or else I'd be afraid of saying something dumb. I now know the importance of just saying something, anything. Saying something you think is dumb, may not even be perceived that way to her. She may be (but probably not) just as nervous as you are, if she is giving you an AI.

You say that calling a girl out on an AI is definitely not good. As in: "Hey there, I noticed you positioned yourself near me! I'm Clive". However, it would seem to me that a girl giving you a AI would be more susceptible to chase framing. I mean, "Hey there, I noticed you positioned yourself near me!" is so obvious of a call-out on her that it's not really a frame at all, because frames are done subliminally and it hits her subconscious. So, a couple things here:

1. Would a girl that gives you an AI be more susceptible to chase framing, since she's already put herself in a position of being an interested party?

2. When chase framing a girl that gives you an AI: Should I worry much about being extra smooth/slick/savvy when doing it, since she is already slightly in that "mode" anyway, and may pick up on it? Do I even need to chase frame with a girl doing this?

Great article. Thanks, Chase!
-NJ

Chase Amante's picture

Chase Framing Girls Who Give AIs

Author

NJ-

Yes indeed, women giving you AIs do tend to be more susceptible to properly-delivered chase frames. While you don't have to use them, they do work as something of a reward and affirmation for her - she's gone out on a limb to get near you, and you reward her with clearly flirtatious and sexual banter, conveying your interest.

No need to be extra-smooth, unless you're using a chase frame as your opener; in that case, a little smoothness just to make sure you don't come across as painting her as being in full-on pursuit of you when you haven't invested any time or effort in her at all yet is in order to preserve her social status.

Chase

Timmy's picture

Did I mess up a situation?


Hello chase,

I am not a big reader at all, but I really enjoy reading your articles. I was hoping you could help me out with a dilemma I've put myself in.
I've been friends with this girl since middle school and we are both in our early 20s now. I've always found this particular girl very attractive and never had the courage to act on anything. Well after high school we kind of lost touch and it wasn't until this summer we started to hang out more with our old group of high school buddies and I began to like her again. Recently we went out with our friends to a club (which was new to me because I've never been to one). While we were there I noticed she made an effort to dance with me and only me even when I strayed away from our group. After we leave we all go crash at her and her friend's appartment. When we get there she offers me a spot next to her in her bed and of course I accept it but tried to not seem too eager. During the night we eventually begin to kiss and it was the best kiss I ever had, but we stop there. The next morning we don't talk about anything that happened and have yet to talk about it. Did I mess something up? I remember you talking about a window of opportunity in one of your other articles. I'm assuming I definitely screwed that up. I'd like to hear your opinion if you're not too busy.

Thanks for the great reading material!

Mundane Answerer's picture

Timmy, Sorry to say but yes,


Timmy,
Sorry to say but yes, such a great window of opportunity to become lovers is now thrown in the garbage. *face-palm* If you really want another go then better wait a few years or go with preselection.

Timmy's picture

Thought so..


Yeah I thought so, too. It was definitely worth it though. Thanks for the reply.

Nicholas's picture

I think differently...


I'm not the one to claim what is the truth, but here is my opinion.
I think she showed her feelings about you with help of alcohol.
Then she is may be shy and really embrassed to talk about what has happened, since she is sober now. I think this might be the case and she might be waiting for you to say something about it first. This is similar to what chase mentioned in the articles (girls usually don't ask a guy out, so she might be waiting for you). The only part I am concerned is that if it has been awhile since that night. She might have gave up and is angry at you. Since this is similar to not acting out for her AI. So if it is not too late, you should go talk to her about it!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Escalation Windows

Author

This can sometimes be the case, especially with women you've known for a very long time.

Timmy, the post you're thinking of is the one on escalation windows. She probably felt hurt and/or disappointed that you didn't sleep with her that night, and may have gone cold, or may not have. It's worth seeing if you can get her out again and make something happen.

At the same time, I'd be careful about not chasing too much or even thinking too much about her, as there's a better-than-average chance that the window is now closed.

Give it a shot, but expect that it's too late. If you like her though, take another swing... but have backup plans (other women, ways to meet other women, etc.).

Chase

Wes's picture

Being open


Hey Chase,
Very useful article. I'm sure it took many missed opportunities to pick up on these approach invitations until you got it down.
I've even seen some girls who are bold enough to actually say something..though its rare and they always seem to be highly social beach bum care free girls. Like you, I unintentionally rejected some girls in my childhood and on occasion still do. Sometimes, it just feels weird when a women takes action even though I dream of it happening. I'm guessing it has something to do with years of social evolution?
On another note, My Uncle just arrived in my city this week and he has already put together a social circle without even knowing anyone here. It's amazing. He's going to clubs with new girls every night and meeting new people. Then he comes back and brags and shows me pictures of the women he's met.
I'm sure you're somewhat similar. You can be dropped from an airplane in anyplace in the world with people and somehow make friends and climb the social ladder.
One thing I noticed about him is that he is starting from lower status areas and working his way up. The pictures he's showed me were of fat ugly girls (in my opinion) and now he's showing me pictures of the friends of the fat ugly girls which are progressing in attractiveness. He's just so open to meeting anyone despite how they look and what they can offer him.
I want to be like that, though, I can't get over the fact that I'm so closed off to meeting people. The only time I meet people are on MY terms, when I feel like being social. In other occasions, when people try to start conversations with me at bus stops or in stores, I politely conversate but shoot them down and don't let them get too personal. (I'm guessing deep rooted emotional baggage from childhood?) Hell, even my body language shouts "don't talk to me".
People often say "you look so depressed" or "you look so angry"
I'm pretty sure there's no quick fix for this and I understand I should work on more open body language. By no means do I wanna fake it though. I've tried fake smiling but I feel ridiculous.
Is there any advice you have on the inner aspects of being open?
Long term?
I'm not depressed anymore but I'm generally not happy with where I am in life, my relationships with people around me, my city, etc. I honestly feel trapped in a continuous process of trying to get out.
I feel stressed because I'm trying to improve multiple aspects of my life all at once. My fashion, my body, my game, repairing broken relationships, finding a passion and completing school.
Have you ever gone through this?

Wes

Chase Amante's picture

Learning to Be More Social

Author

Wes-

On being social - sure, I've been there. One of the first things I worked on in 2006 was "working the venue," which was getting to a nightclub early and then just meeting EVERYBODY there: talking to bouncers, talking to bartenders, talking to men, women, groups of people, everyone present. I'd get there when they first opened the doors and there were 10 people there, meet everyone, get into conversations, and keep meeting everyone new coming in as the night went on. By the time it was crowded I'd know most of the staff and half of the patrons.

That was not my natural style of interacting; it felt REALLY weird to me then. It'd still feel weird now if I tried to go meet everyone in a venue, in fact, But what it DID do was make it easy for me to talk to anyone I feel like now wherever I am and be really comfortable about it. It also got me very comfortable with the nightclub environment, because I saw how easy it was to meet people and get into conversations there; some people are closed off and unfriendly, but you just keep moving and you meet other people who are thrilled to be talking to you. And even those closed off and unfriendly people often warm up a lot when you run into them a second or third time later.

The other thing I did was start talking to people everywhere… waiting for the bus or train, in convenience stores, in line, wherever. Again, felt really weird at first, but expanded my horizons socially.

I'd recommend if it feels weird being social that you start by forcing yourself to be OVER social - way more social than you imagine your ideal self to be. What'll happen is that after you get used to being crazy sociable with all kinds of people, after a time you'll settle back down somewhere in the middle, where you're decidedly more open than you used to be (although I know other people who train themselves to be crazy social, and just never stop, and that eventually becomes the new norm for them, too).

Chase

Wes's picture

Thanks so much...your reply


Thanks so much...your reply really helped.

Nicholas's picture

Need Help!


Hey Chase, I love your articles; keep up the good works!

So I like this girl who I see around the campus. I always wanted to talk to her, but I was afraid and didn't know what to say so I jsut walked away. I have done that so many times. I always gave up making excuses such as "oh it's too late now", "May be it's all my imagination.", even when I see some AI (atleast when i thought it was one, if it wasn't)
I regret doing so, and now I feel like I should give it a try and ask her out. May be it is too late, but you never know what is going to happen and even if she rejects me, I will learn from it atleast.

So I happened to run into her many times, and it seems like she have noticed me. There were few cases, whcih I thought could be AIs.

*I was reading something in the library, She showed up and walked around the library. (seemed like she was looking for a spot; in fact the library was packed). She went out of the room, then she came back again to look around. She repeated that few times, but I am not sure if she was actually looking for a spot or was that for me, if it was an AI.

*She was eating in the campus cafe. I sat on a table near her. She finished eating, then she left the cafeteria. After a minute, she cam back and sat on the same table, which she was sitting before and began to study there. (The building has spaces to study, but it is usually crowded so may be she could not find any other spot to study)

*In the same building, I was studying. I saw her passing by the place, where I was studying. I thought she was heading toward the door to leave, but then she came back and was about to going in to Dunkin Donut(it's inside the building and i was facing it). I had to go somewhere, so I stood up and was packing when I saw her again. As she was entering Dunkin, she saw me packing and just turned back and left the building.

*One time, I sat near her in cafe. I was staring at her a lot. She was facing away from me, but suddenly she turned around and stared at me for awhile then turned back.

These are the cases, which I think are important. I just don't know if she is also interested in me, or she happened to notice my glances and think I am creepy... (may be thats why she stared at me, or left the building when she saw me)
Anyway, I see her eating by herself in the cafe sometimes. So I'm planning to go up to her and ask her out saying something like "hey! This is going to be weird, but I think your are cute and I want to know more about you. Would you like to have a cup of coffee with me when you are free?" Then if she is struggling to find a word to say (since she seems pretty shy), I will say "We can have a lunch or dinner, if you don't like coffee." to just ease the tension.

What is your thought?
Do you think I have some chance?
Is this a good way to approach her?
If not what will be a good way?

Sry for asking too much and I really appreciate your help in advnace. Thx!

p.s. If anyone who read this has an idea for me, I will be glad to hear thx.

Mundane Answerer's picture

Nicholas, Seems to me that


Nicholas,
Seems to me that you're falling in love my friend, better approach quickly with great efficiency than wait and waste your valuable time.

Flames's picture

My quick advise


This is simple, just say hi/good morning/hello, whatever is culturally appropriate. If your in the library or somewhere you can use a prop (such as a book you're/she's reading/looking for) then go ahead, but the point is to make that initial gesture.

You'll easily be able to judge by her reaction, but be careful not to overreact she may find it a bit daunting at first. For someone you see regularly you dont neccerserily need to go all in, but don't do what I do and leave too long before asking her out on a date, because that's even worse :)

Regards
Flames

Sam2's picture

Stepping on you


I once got approached directly by an unattractive woman, another was asked for a light, and a couple more I received looks while walking on the street. However, I would like to add one more category of AI: a girl stepping on your toes.

It was Christmas Eve and I went to a club for drink. I was dressed up, having my drink and looking abstracted. All of a sudden, I feel pain on my toes and a bump on my right side. I turn slowly to my right and I see a cute girl with big breasts. Having scanned the place I was standing beforehand I did not see her, so this means she came from a completely different place of the club. As I turned, she said: "did I step on you?". Me: "No, it's ok". Her: "Are you sure?". Me (thinking that she is so polite): Slightly. Not to worry". Her: "However, if I stepped on you even slightly I apologise". I did nothing. She left never to see her again as if she disappeared. Only later did I realise that this was an AI.

Maybe more men could relate, so I would like to add it in the list.

AV's picture

That is not an AI


Sam-

This is probably considered a glance. Its so blatant and obvious that its not even considered an AI, its actually more of an outright approach. The fact that she stepped on your toes and kept trying to engage you in a convo then you didnt respond to her advances left her probably a little humiliated and she took a hit to her self esteem and social status if her friends were watching.

The few times girls are so forward, it confuses us a little bit i guess.

Anthony105's picture

AI @ the gym


Great article Chase. How about at the gym and there's other treadmills around she can use, but instead she chooses the one right next to you. She doesn't give you a look but just keeps running. Was this an approach invitation? Thanks for all your articles!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: AI @ the gym

Author

Anthony-

It took me a while to collect enough data on this before, but based on years of having girls do this to me in gyms, I'd say... maybe 65% of the time, yes.

All you can really do is ping her and see how friendly she seems. Make an off-hand comment about whatever; e.g., the easy one on treadmills is, "Wanna race?" Or you can just say, "Morning! [or evening]" and see if she gives you a big warm smile or if she looks at you like you're crazy.

Chase

V's picture

How to not be hesitant


Hi Chase, I would like to see an article on about how to not be hesitant. Can you give me some tips on not being hesitant but also not rushing in and making a fool of myself? I feel it would help get rid of anxiety in men because they won't have to over think.

P.S. I remember you saying you played bball, you have any tips on how to control the ball while you dribble? I can't seem to control the ball and I always lose it. I hear dribble with your fingers but i dont have control over the ball, then when i dribble with my whole hand the ball slips off my hand. What hand position do I have to use? I know it's way left field, but you seem to know everything lol so why not ask? Thank you Chase.

Chase Amante's picture

Not Being Hesitant / Control While Dribbling

Author

V-

See the article that went up right after this one on how to be decisive - being hesitant is really just a form of indecision. You need to first train yourself to be really angry / annoyed at indecision in yourself (get used to seeing it as a form of waffling or weakness, and get mad about it), and then force yourself to choose. When it's approach anxiety, when you're mad at yourself for feeling it, the thought there is usually something like, "Well, either decide to approach her NOW, or decide to be a pussy and keep standing here and never meet her. Which one's it going to be, because the window to approach is dead in 2 seconds?"

On dribbling - don't let your palm touch the ball. You should only be dribbling with your fingertips touching the ball - gives you a lot more control. It'll probably make your fingers hurt the first few times you play for an extended period of time dribbling with only your fingertips (from having to keep your fingers stiffer), but the joints in your fingers will get used to it.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Why do girls love arguing with me? is it an invite?


Is it an invitation when a girl acts mean towards you? Im talking about girls that always have something to say and for some reason have beef with you and want to start and argue with you for no reason. Im mostly talking about social circle but you can include cold approach.

It annoys me and I think they want me to go crazy on them. Should I let it bother me? And do they mean to do it?

Thats how my interactions are with some girls, we always argue and go back and forth talking shit to each other. What do you call this?
Thanks Chase

Chase Amante's picture

Girls Who Love Arguing with You

Author

Wolf-

This used to annoy me to no end with social circle.

I eventually realized it was almost universally girls who'd really liked me at some point, then auto-rejected me because they felt like I'd either insulted them directly, or indirectly (by them showing me attraction and me not doing anything).

It sometimes also just because they're horny.

If it's auto-rejection, the best way to turn this around is with preselction.

The articles to check out if you want to know more:

Chase

Balla's picture

Knowing when a girl is shy, coy or disinterested article/ Q?'s


Sup, Chase i have a few questions. Can you please answer these for me? I'm going to take a break from asking questions so I can get better at finding my own solutions, but before I do that id like you to answer these questions for me please Chase.

If you could make an article about how to know if a girl is disinterested or she is interested but she's just being coy or shy would be a great help for guys.

1.Chase, how do you know when a girl is being coy or shy and when she's not interested? I really think you should make an article showing the difference between a girl being coy, shy, aloof, but still likes you, compared to when she's not interested and you kinda put too much time into her.

I lose a lot of girls because if my absolute abundance mentality to get another girl that ill stop talking to her if she does something in don't like once, if I like her twice. I hate chasing I even hate being persistent because I still feel it's chasing to me.

2.I would like to know the difference between a girl playing coy or being disinterested before I talk to her too much, what signs can you tell us that she really doesn't want to see you?

An example is the girl I told you in my field report that was kissing me crazy, I texted her and she wasn't as energetic. She seemed pretty coy compared to when I last seen her. I asked her a question about seeing me and she ignored it so I never texted her again and deleted her number, I never heard from her since so I guess she went into auto rejection or she wanted me to chase.

3. Was I being too cut throat chase? Do you think she was too shy to say anything or she didn't have an answer or she really didn't want to see me?

4.I'd like to know when I should be text persisting a girl when I know she's being a little coy rather than persist when she's not interested.

5. How do you tell if your very close to the friend zone or boyfriend zone before you're in that zone? What are signs that you can see before it happens?

6. I honestly feel like persisting is chasing and I can't get out of that mindset, how do I not make it feel like im chasing?

7. How do you show interest in a girl in a cool way? Like you genuinely want to get to know her but you don't want it too look like a sucka in love?

8. Should I be more up beat in my texts (ex: emoticons, her name and explanation points) even if she doesn't seem too up beat in her text?

9. I'm losing my bitterness but my absolute abundance mentality makes me not care about women I really don't care about them and I think they sense that, but that's how I dont fall in love and why I cut them off so quick, that way I don't invest much and make them a bigger deal than they are. But how do I care about women without investing too much and making them a big deal?

10. Why do you get better results when you take a break from reading up on info on how to get girls?

11. I have the book but I can't stop reading your articles, what's the difference from reading your book compared with your articles?

Thanks Chase so much for your help, I will take a break from overloading my mind with girls but Ill be back my man.

Peace,
Balla

Chase Amante's picture

Questions

Author

Balla-

Wow, that's a lot of questions. Noted on the shy/coy vs. disinterested article. I'll add it to the queue.

On not pursuing the girl, I'd recommend you follow up a little harder with girls and try to turn things around when you're still a beginner or intermediate. You won't know where the boundaries are until you've tested them and pushed past them. If she's not upbeat in texting, I'd be more matter-of-fact, otherwise it feels like you're trying to force the connection (i.e., you're trying too hard to be nice; better to drop the act).

Knowing if you're friend zoned or boyfriend zoned - the easy ones are how sexually excited is she around you, and how in control does she seem to be? If she firmly and confidently shuts you down like a powerful woman, you're in the friend zone (or possibly somewhere between that and the boyfriend zone). If you're the one calling the shots and she is following your lead and doing as you ask and excited and nervous with you, you're somewhere between being a pure lover and being a boyfriend candidate whom she really, really likes.

If you feel like you're chasing, adopt a, "Cool, whatever, well we should do something sometime, but I'll leave it up to you to let me know if you want to nail down a specific time or whatnot, savvy?" type of feel to your interactions.

Showing interest - the most genuine / non-chasing way of doing this is with getting into deep diving with her (shows thorough interest on your part in who she really is... feels very good to her) and using a sexual vibe and sexual humor / chase frames with her / building sexual tension. All these show sexual interest in a very visceral and real / non-bawdy way that is usually very flattering, assuming you're a sexually attractive guy for her.

On absolute abundance - that's something different from not caring about women. You should still be able to care about women, like them, and be attracted by them. An abundance mentality simply means that you view something as somewhat more replaceable... but you have to actually be getting the thing. You can become inured to women if you're doing a lot of approaching but not getting any success - you eventually detach "sex" from "talking to women." You will become detached this way, but it's not a good kind of detached - it's not the same kind of emotional detachment that a guy who sleeps with a lot of women has. That guy is sexually excited about women, and feels excited when he meets women, but if things don't pan out he forgets abou them and gets excited about someone else.

On getting better results when you take a break from reading too much - imagine you're playing a sport. Say, football. And you read and read and read about football. Every time you go out, your head is a jumble of new ideas about things having to do with football... and you end up trying to run everything consciously, which you can't do. The things you do well (like breathing, or walking, or talking) are entirely unconscious processes that your brain has learned to do without your conscious mind having to have any but the highest level of input (i.e., you don't think, "Okay, I need to form my lips into an "O" shape by pushing them out a bit and pursing them, then pull my tongue down, then push air up out of my diaphram, then curl the edge of my tongue up mid-vocalization..." instead, you just say, "Oh."). Taking a break from the reading allows your conscious mind to gradually forget all the stuff it's trying to hold in active memory, and let your subconscious mind take over, process it all, and store it as subconscious processes. Once you internalize it and your brain learns how to execute on it without thinking about it, you become "natural" at it.

Book vs. articles - the articles all handle individual bits and pieces. The book is a step-by-step guide to get you off the ground. Think of the book as the guide to building your baseline process for being able to go out, meet girls, and take them to bed, and the articles as a way of brushing up on everything and improving it all and refining it.

Hope the break goes well, Balla. Keep meeting girls, keep setting little goals for yourself, but otherwise, try not to think about things too much while you do it.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Never Letting Her Feel Like She's Completely "Got" You (cont.)


Great article Chase

Thanks for your advice in the “Why I Quit Dating Girls…” post

I’ll try and work out what’s best relative to my own situation. But out of interest what do you tend to in your relationships where you've told your girl it’s monogamous, or haven't explicitly told her but are running it in the style of a monogamous relationship - Do you continue to sleep with other girls, or just pick other girls up but not have sex with them?

By the way that’s cool you’re considering a higher degree. That drive to achieve success in a broad range of things is really inspirational.

Thanks

Chase Amante's picture

Relationships

Author

Anon-

I prefer to avoid monogamy - it's a bit too limiting for the kind of life I like best - normally I prefer to be coy as to my level of commitment with the girl. This is usually fine up until the 6 month mark or so, but at that point women will tend to get very firm about wanting to nail down EXACTLY if you are completely faithful or not. I sometimes have relationships where I openly am not monogamous, though the girl is; and I have had a few relationships where I told the girl I would not sleep with other women besides her. In those instances, when I have told women that, I've continued to pick up, take girls home, and kiss them / undress them, but not go to bed with them (I very much do not like breaking my word). I've also noticed I subconsciously sabotage my pickups with very beautiful women when I have a girlfriend I have told I'd be faithful to, likely because if it went all the way back to the bedroom I would not remain so resolute.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hmmm


There's this girl who knows I like her and at some point I knew she liked me too but she didn't want to hang out with me maybe because she was too busy or had a boyfriend ect. A few weeks ago I left to go out of town for a couple months and won't be in contact with her. During are conversations together we had a lot of fun and we were flirty. But after that it was like it never happend and she hasn't talked to me for a while but it seem she still had interest in me but I wanted her to chase me to see if she really cared. Now since ill be gone for a while do you think she will have regrets and miss me?

Chase Amante's picture

Missing You

Author

Anon-

Anything's possible. The best way to tell for sure? Ping her when you get back and see how happy and excited (or not) she is to hear from you.

Chase

V's picture

How can I be heard and stop repeating myself all the time?


Hello Chase, idk when this started happening, but as of about a year now people can't hear me talk and I have to keep repeating myself which makes me annoyed so much I want to scream at them and tell them clean their damn ears and stfu! I talk loud but people always say "what did you say"? Then I scream at them what I said because it annoys me so much.

My voice is pretty deep so maybe that's why I dont know. I talk loud but people can't hear me or understand what I say half of the time. It pisses me off. How is it possible that I talk loud but no one understand what I say?

I also read your article for sexy voice, how do you talk from your chest, how do you talk slow without talking too slow, I talk so slow I almost forget what j was about to say, and how do you talk with the bedroom voice while making it loud? My bedroom voice is pretty low I can't make it louder too much.

Thank you!

Chase Amante's picture

Being Heard Better

Author

V-

Much of being heard comes down more to articulation than volume.

I have a fairly deep voice that traditionally was rather monotone (still somewhat is), and I was never super loud. I'd often run into problems being heard and understood.

What I found was that as I worked on being extremely articulate first (music helped with this; I didn't realize how garbled I sounded until I started recording songs - it was rather embarrassing at first, but it made me get a lot better), and then next on drawing out my vowels and hitting consonants very hard and sharp, suddenly I could talk a lot quieter if I wanted to but people would hear me better. Focus on getting your word articulation as clear and precise as possible, then on making your vowels l-o-n-g-e-r and consonants sharper, and you will be heard.

Also, a quick fix for when you repeat yourself: if you must repeat yourself, use different words, and emphasize certain words to make them stand out more. You lose less social power this way. e.g.:

You: I can't believe that just happened.

Girl: What's that?

You: That GUY who just PUNCHED his GIRLFRIEND. I can't BELIEVE that.

Girl: Oh! Yeah, that was crazy, wasn't it?

Also, much of the time if someone asks you to repeat, just wait for 2 seconds and they will then go, "Oh - yeah, well..." and then talk as if they'd heard you the first time. Many people play dumb to give themselves a moment to think if they weren't paying full attention.

Chase

Wolf's picture

How to treat a girl after the club and Getting them interested


When i mean after the club i mean a day or two not the same night. I remember you saying girls don't want to talk to a "club guy". How can I make them not think of me like that? what can I do to make girls interested in me after the club? Im really not where I need to be with logistics right now, so I take the girls numbers. You say use phone game instead of text. What do I say to them on the phone and how do I get them interested in me like they were in the club? How do you treat a girl after the club?

Graça

Chase Amante's picture

Not Being a Club Guy

Author

Wolf-

If you want to get phone numbers from nightclubs that are good later, focus on being low key, lower energy, and getting into good conversations with girls in nightclubs. It's also good if the girl sees you LEAVE after you get her number... e.g., girl has conversation with you and you then tell her you're heading home and leave the nightclub? Good odds of seeing her again if things went well. Girl has conversation with you and you tell her you want to trade numbers, then go talk to some other girl? Low odds of seeing her again even if things went well, unless she REALLY only wants you for your body.

On the first phone call, see this article: Tactics Tuesdays: Making the First Phone Call to a Girl - I break the entire process down there step-by-step. Ricardus also has some great tips here: Call Girls to Success: Phone Secrets Part II.

Chase

V's picture

Banging real hot women/ Competing with guys who spend $ on girls


Hey chase how do you bang a girl that does porno chase? And how do you bang a stripper and girls that look like video models?

I learned there's a hot girl that does porn that lives somewhere close to me and I wanted to know what to do and how to approach her and bang her.
My reference points are still pretty strong from the guys spending so much money on girls.

I read somewhere that you have friends that bang these females that are so well off in their careers but your friends are not as successful. Please tell me how a women who's doing better than you would want you? Mainstream messed my head up so much with all these rich dudes with fine girls spending money on them. But I honestly want to know how sexiness and game trumps money, from a girls point of view. I just want to know what would make her give you the time of day if she can get guys who will spend a fortune on her.

My head is filled with so much negative shit, but thank you chase.

V's picture

Correction


Correction chase, the girl doesn't do porn per say. I've only seen her really naked and girl on girl scenes. I never seen her have sex in any type of way in any shape or form. She's more of a nude model and dominatrix. Just clarifying things just in case game is different because she's not getting her back blown out by hundreds of dudes on the screen.

Chase Amante's picture

Models, and Women Financially More Well Off Than You

Author

V-

If she's doing porn or not doing porn that makes a big difference. The adult film community - especially adult film STARS - is pretty insular, and members tend to date other members. Partly that's for safety - you can't catch an STD is you only ever have sex with other porn actors / actresses - partly that's because to get the kind of sex they want and not have people going crazy / getting emotional, fellow porn actors / actresses are the safest bets.

If you REALLY like porn actresses, your best bet is to just get into porn yourself. Asia Carrera has the best / most succinct explanation of this I've seen - remember reading it back in the early 2000s:

How can I get into porno movies?

This is one fantasy that's better left as a fantasy. There's a reason why you always see the same guys over and over in every movie. It's because there are very, very few guys who can perform on command under the demanding, grueling circumstances of shooting a movie. Imagine: it's 5am, you're exhausted, 15 crew guys are grouchy and waiting on you to perform so they can go home. They're giving you nasty looks while you're trying to get hard in the freezing cold, buck naked, on your aching knees on the cold metal hood of a car. The girl, who isn't even very attractive close up, is off set with her boyfriend, smoking a cigarette until you're ready. You're wanking in the cold with an audience of 15 impatient guys, knowing that if you don't get hard, word will spread instantly that you are not reliable. And if you don't come on cue, forcing them to reshoot the scene, you will never be hired again. Directors can't afford delays or failed scenes - so they simply refuse to hire new guys. The way to get around this is by bringing a hot new girl with you, and saying she'll only work with you. Fresh meat is worth its weight in gold around here.

Of course, porn actresses are women like any other woman, and tend to have particularly high sex drives to boot - if you have your stuff together, you can still sleep with them even if you're not in the industry, if you're sexy enough and are on-point at hitting your escalation windows. I've heard of a few guys who regularly attend adult film conferences, where porn actresses just assume they are porn actors and freely have sex with them. These are guys with porn actor-good bodies and killer game, of course.

If she's a model... it's really no different from any other girl. Although, if you are a photographer or model talent scout, you've got a bit of an advantage. I have a post on this here: "Date a Model: What You Need to Know to Succeed."

As far as why financially successful women will date men not as financially successful... well, just bear in mind that money is not the only measure of attractiveness. If you're off the charts on a few other areas, it doesn't even really matter a whole lot... although, while she's thrilled to have you as her lover, you still might not get a whole lot of consideration for the husband role...

Chase

Alex Ljubenov's picture

Question about a situation


Hey, Chase! Greetings from Europe!

I have read some of the articles here and a lot of them make sense to me. I have difficulties reading girls signals and I want to describe one situation that got me confused. First off, it's about a waitress, and I know that she could've just been polite and working for a tip, and so on.

I usually go to the coffee place where she works with friends. One night I went there by myself. I ordered my drink to one of her co-workers, but she was the one who brought it to me. She smiled and said "You order a different drink every time". I said I like to mix things up and then I asked her for a lighter, and she left me her own. Few minutes later she came near my table, turned towards me, we made eye contact, she smiled, I smiled, and right then she looked away and started scratching her left shoulder with her right hand, looking cute and shy. I took that as a positive signal. Later one her co-worker told me that this cute girl she had a boyfriend already, so I decided to stay away. So, was this cute waitress giving me a signal or I just made her uncomfortable in some way, what do you think?

Thanks in advance!

Chase Amante's picture

Coffee Shop Waitress

Author

Alex-

Hard to get a read. It's probably a combination of motivations - she likes you a bit, she wants to keep a regular customer of hers happy, she wants a tip, etc. I probably wouldn't do anything too bold if it's a place you like frequenting and don't want any awkwardness - if you try something and it doesn't work, you may have to change coffee shops to avoid discomfort.

You might try gradually dialing up the flirtation and seeing if she bites. Don't do it every time she comes over, but mix it in a bit here and there. Better to wait for her to signal you clearly than you try to make the bold move in a hazy situation where you've got something (a place you like working or relaxing at) on the line.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Having read this, I am amazed


Having read this, I am amazed at how many girls have approached me and how many times I did not even realize it, sometimes for years. You want to talk about "a blaringly loud approach invitation", try being complained about to a friend from across a room. I never put it together. I became interested in her later on, but by then I no longer existed to her. To think what could have happened when I was in my early teens.

On the bright side, I notice it much faster now.

loismer's picture

hover and plant


this happened the other day (plant) I'm lucky to be extremely good looking, but I screw things up a lot (tortoise and the hair I guess) this happens to me so much that I am unaware of it a lot, thanks for this article; I also get a lot of chicks slamming into me/clubs or pressing their butt into my knee sitting down/same night as the plant lol

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