The 100 Hour Rule


100 hour ruleIt occurs to me that there is a certain percentage of the readership here that has been reading Girls Chase for a fairly long time but not taking much or any action.

Some guys work on their fundamentals enough to get more attraction, but have difficulty ever talking to new women.

Some guys view all this self-improvement hoopla as something of a curiosity to be read about, enjoyed, and perhaps considered, but not something to be done, at least not right now.

Some guys meet women in their social circles, but not really in the way that Peter discusses in his series on social circle; more in a just freeform, unguided, I'll-meet-women-whenever-they-meet-me kind of way, that doesn't lead to a whole bunch of outstanding results but does lend itself nicely to ending up fixated on one or two women you just can't seem to get.

For those readers - all the guys who'd like to start, someday maybe, or even right now but just can't seem to get past their approach anxiety no matter how much they read or how much they do, I'd like to suggest something that's been a boon to me in skill building of all types, classes, and varieties: something I call the 100 hour rule.


100 hour rule

The brain is a brilliant, beautiful, wonderful machine, and your subconscious brain is aware of and can do a lot of things that are so far beyond the capabilities of your conscious brain it's hard to fathom.

Everything from picking out a home based on gut feelings vs. logic (gut feelings - your subconscious's assessment - win over logic - your conscious's assessment - nearly every time, with gut feeling home buyers happier with their home purchase even 10 years later than logical checklist people) to being able to walk properly or throw a paper ball into a wastebasket (try doing that when everyone is watching you with a lot riding on it and you slip into "full consciousness" mode)... your subconscious is very good, and knows a lot of things that you ("you" here referring to your conscious mind) do not.

However, there are also certain things your subconscious is absolutely horrible about, and one of them is giving you the freedom to learn new skill sets.


Why the Brain Fears New, Hard Things

Most people's brains love new things that are easy.

Depending on your levels of thrill-seeking, that might be anything from riding a roller coaster to popping a new video game onto your screen. If it's easy, new, and acceptably low risk for whatever you consider low risk to be, your brain will have zero qualms about doing it - and, in fact, will even encourage you to.

At some point, though, you're going to hit a point where new things start to look scary.

Where that point is is highly subjective from person to person, and subject to subject. I knew a woman who had no fear whatsoever about getting on the back of a motorcycle behind the motorcycle rider without a helmet and doing 100 miles per hour, but who wouldn't touch video games because she was afraid of becoming addicted to them. I've known men who regularly rushed out into combat situations with bullets whizzing past their heads from other men trying to kill them and who found this an adrenaline rush, but who couldn't walk up to women they didn't know because they found this to be too intimidating.

So, there's a big, subjective element to it, and it's very much dependent on both your own base anxiety levels, as well as on what you (for whatever reasons, usually based on experience or lack of experience) view as "risky" or "not risky."

But there's another aspect, too, and it's your perception of the probability of reward.

Some examples of easy rewards (depending on your tastes and experiences):

  • You may see a new blockbuster movie coming out of your favorite genre, and be very excited - because your brain perceives a big emotional payoff from watching, relative to a low risk / low effort investment to get that payoff

  • You may see your favorite sports team is winning recently, and decide to start tuning in for games more often - low risk / low effort, high reward (emotional boost)

  • You may see Space Mountain at Disneyland and feel a surge of adrenaline to climb aboard, reasoning that it's going to be perfectly safe and easy to do - low risk / low effort - but tons of excitement (high reward)

  • Once you're good with women and get regular results, you'll see a pretty girl somewhere and be juiced to go talk to her - the risk is quite low (you maybe get rejected - big deal!), the effort is very low (just walk up and say "hi"), but the potential reward (this pretty girl naked in your bed, or on your arm as your new girlfriend) is sky high

These things all change as your experiences, skills, and abilities change. If you never go on amusement park rides, the idea of a roller coaster ride in the dark (Space Mountain) is going to sound horrifying to you, most likely... and it's going to flip your "danger" signals.

The brain is always asking itself three questions, in any given situation:

  1. How big is the risk?
  2. How much effort is being demanded?
  3. How large is the probable payoff?

The bigger the perceived risk and perceived effort, and the lower the perceived probable payout, the less likely you are to do anything.

Meeting women as a beginner, like anything else, is subject to this same calculation... and if it feels to your brain like social rejection is a big risk that your reputation or ego simply cannot handle, and it feels to your brain like a colossal amount of work is going to be needed before you can turn strangers into lovers or girlfriends, and it feels like the likely payout of your efforts is going to be nothing - or worse than nothing (a stack of rejections) - you're likely to talk yourself out of doing something altogether.

Why bother doing something hard, risky, and unlikely to provide much - or any - payoff?


Goals as New Thought Targets

100 hour ruleOne of the things you'll hear me recommend regularly is that men - especially newer men, who aren't that skilled or experienced with women yet - set goals for themselves every time they go out. Just a 2 or 3 small little goals every time you go out is enough, although I think it's also wise to have a handful of larger goals you're working on too, though you won't really take these with you when you go out.

The benefit of goals is both to keep you focused on what you're working on, and to serve as distraction from the "scary stuff."

When you go out to meet new women and take no goals with you (and you're inexperienced and afraid), the moment you look at a woman and consider approaching her, your mind starts going, "Oh God, I'd better not blow it; OH man, I'd better do this right; oh boy, oh boy, I'd better not act all nervous and choke," and pretty soon you've lost all nerve altogether and do not approach.

However, when you go out to meet new women and you take goals with you, when you want to approach a girl you get thoughts much more like this: "Oh man, I'd better do this right; oh wait, well, what does it matter, my goal tonight is to open 4 new women, not to find a wife and get married. Quit being silly and go complete your goals."

Because you change the focus from the amorphous "Go out and get the biggest success imaginable with this girl or else you're a total failure" to the concrete "Go out and accomplish this little goal that's just on the range of achievability for me, and don't worry about anything beyond that", you're suddenly able to do this, because you're biting off a lot less than you otherwise would be.

Well, just like we can do this to get ourselves moving on small things, like approaching a new woman or trying out a new amusement park ride or speaking in front of a crowd of people, we can use a bigger version of it to get us moving in a more general way, and get us forming the commitment we need to really excel at something - that hundred-hour rule I mentioned at the start of this article.


100 hour rule

In his guest post here on how to create a habit, Robert King mentions that it takes about 30 days to fully implement a new habit.

In my experience, and from lots of things I've read, to make sure that new habit sticks, you need about 12 weeks - that's three months, or 90 days.

That's the point where it stops being something you have to go kick your butt to get yourself to do, and deliberate on, and convince yourself over, and becomes something you just do, without thinking about it, because it's part of your routine.

That's when the execution of the thing becomes easy, regular, and natural for you, and the ball is really rolling and you will consistently get better at it because now you're always doing it.

So, you can embark on something new - but it may not last all that long. If you want to make sure it does, you've got to make it to 12 weeks with something.

But when that something is hard, feels risky, and doesn't seem to offer a whole lot in terms of near-term payoffs, how do you motivate yourself to make it over the 12-week hump?


The 100 Hour Rule

I came up with a rule to challenge myself, and I designed it to circumvent my propensity to give up on hard things with low payoffs too soon, and get myself to a base level of skill I could then use to either continue building on the skill, or at least have a basic understanding of a thing and not be a complete novice on it anymore.

I call this the "100 Hour Rule."

The hundred hour rule is this: you pick ONE thing you really want to learn how to do, and get good at, and get some proficiency at, and you pledge to putting in 100 hours of training on it.

That's it. Not more than 100 hours of training. Not learning specific elements of it, or achieving specific results.

You just commit to 100 hours of DOING the thing, and after that, if you want to, you can give up, walk away, and never do the thing again.

This, for me, alleviates most of the issues with doing something new that's hard and doesn't offer a lot of immediate payoff:

  • It gives you a clear end point where you can walk away still feeling like a winner (once you reach 100 hours of practice), so you know that this isn't something you're going to have to do FOREVER if it isn't working out for you

  • It gives you a concrete payoff that you can achieve and know HOW to achieve (hitting that 100-hour mark and completing your objective), so that no matter what other payoffs may or may not be associated with the actual thing you're doing itself, there's one you KNOW you can hit - 100 hours - if you just put the time in

  • It gets you working on something long enough that you're GOING to develop some base level of skill in it, even if you're starting off as a pure beginner. At the worst, you walk away a LOT more competent, proficient, and knowledgeable in the thing than you went in being (the difference between someone with 0 hours of experience in something and someone with 100 hours of experience in something is STARK); at the best, you hit 100 hours and say, "Whoa... I'm actually getting the hang of this! Let me see if I can reach TWO hundred hours!"

It's important that you're completely, absolutely fine walking away at 100 hours. Your goal can't be, "I'm going to do 100 hours, and then after I finish that, I'm going to do 250 hours." If that's your goal, then your goal isn't really 100 hours, is it? Now it's 250 hours... which is a lot more to bite off and chew.

The goal NEEDS to be, "I will do 100 hours, and then I will stop, and reassess if this is something I want to keep doing, or if I want to hang up my spurs."

You must be giving yourself an end point at which you decide whether you're going to continue or not.

The motivation to put in those 100 hours ultimately comes from the motivation to achieve freedom again - the freedom from having to keep doing this thing until those 100 hours are reached. Once they're reached, you're free, and can do whatever you want - even if all you want is to walk away.


A Brief Anecdote

100 hour ruleOver the years, I've started and stopped several times with Krav Maga, the Israeli close quarters defense system that trains you to have an automatic response to attackers and break attacks and counterattack on instinct.

I took a free Krav intro class back in 2007; but I was so tired and worn out by the end of it that I was unable to drag myself back.

In 2009, I took another Krav intro class, and this time I signed up for a few months, and made it to a handful of classes... before my job told me I needed to start attending training seminars all over the U.S. Midwest, and after that Krav was a memory again.

Earlier this year, I signed up for Krav Maga once again, and once again, like that class in 2007, the first class kicked my butt. My head was spinning and I was almost ready to keel over... I hadn't realized how out of shape I was. I LOVE lifting weights... but I HATE cardio. Always have. I move slow in everything I do, and when I have to run around a lot, well... my body just isn't use to that. But I stuck around for a second class, and then I signed up for a year's membership, and at the same time, I made a commitment to myself: 100 hours. The same commitment I'd used to get over the initial hump of learning many other things, too.

A few classes in, I got really sick, and then I was on travel for a while. By the time I was back and could attend Krav, it'd been a few months, and I really didn't want to, and all I could think about was how hard it was, and how tired I was, and how weak and pathetic it made me feel.

Eventually though, I dragged myself back, embarrassed at how much time had gone by and the fact that I was stuck at a mere 12 hours out of my 100. And then I started going. Then going more. Then going more.

I picked up a stomach flu from some poorly prepared food I ate, and was out of commission for a few weeks.

But as soon as I was no longer attached to the toilet, I was back in class again.

I'm well along my way now to 100 hours, and I'm pretty confident I'm going to get there well before my year of membership is up.

Maybe at that point, I decide to keep going, and see how many hours I can get in before my membership expires... and maybe I'll renew again after.

Maybe I decide that 100 hours is enough for now, and it's time for me to take a break from Krav and go back to weight lifting.

Maybe I decide to take a little vacation, and push off the decision about whether to continue after I get back from that.

I don't know what happens after I reach 100 hours, and that's the point: at 100 hours, I get my freedom back, and I can decide if I want to commit myself further, if I want to do something different, or if I don't want to do anything at all.

And at this point, I'm both looking forward to it, and enjoying Krav a lot more, because there's no more deliberation about whether to go or not.

The only thing I'm worried about is when can I go and put a few more hours in to get myself to 100.


Using the 100 Hour Rule

There are a few conditions you'll want to follow to use this rule properly.

  1. Only have ONE (1) 100 hour task at a time. I don't care how amazing, disciplined, and fantastic you are, if you have more than one task you're trying to get your first 100 hours on at any given time, you're going to run off the track and come to a halt. Doing something new that you have little prior experience with is HARD. If you say to yourself, "I'm going to do 100 hours working out, and 100 hours meeting new women, until I reach that limit on both," and you've never really done either of those things before, you're going to end up taking a stroll down washout lane, I almost guarantee you. Pick one that you're firmly committed to 100 hours on - you can still dabble in the other in the meantime and set smaller goals, but don't take on TWO 100 hour goals... just have one. After you hit 100 hours on one, you can do 100 hours on the other, if you really want to do two.

  2. Make sure your objective is to STOP at 100 hours and reconsider. Not to do more. Not to pile on. Not to then plow on to the 10,000 hours needed for achieve mastery. The more you pile on mentally, the more your 100 hours balloons into 500 hours, then 1,000 hours, then 10,000 hours, and the payoff becomes unreachable. It's too far off in the future; the results are too uncertain; and your brain's going to start asking itself, "Do we REALLY want to put 10,000 hours into this? I mean, what if it doesn't even work?" You can spare 100 hours; you can't spare 1,000. Don't balloon your goal - know that at 100 hours, you will STOP, and can continue if you want to then, or you can walk away, satisfied with having learned a new skill to the baseline you get after 100 hours of practice... and that this choice will not be made until you reach that hundred hour mark.

  3. Don't try to do it all at once. You've got a week off, and you're going to do 100 hours this week? Well, while I admire your enthusiasm, that's not going to solidify a habit you can use going forward, it's not going to be a sustainable part of your routine (i.e., it's not going to fit with all the other pieces in your life), and there's only so much the mind can learn in a small amount of time - the brain needs time to process new lessons and learn new patterns, and if you try to stuff all your learning into too short a period of time, you won't learn a whole lot. Spurts of a day spent on something here and a day spent on something there can be fun and educational, and these can sometimes serve as the catalysts to get you going, but you don't want to try to do everything in too short a time period, as that's going to feel like you're rushing to get it over with... and whether you do get it over with or not, you won't be much better off for it.

  4. Pick something you really believe in. Don't do something that you just DON'T want to do and don't think is going to be useful or good for your life. Pick something that's either going to be awesomely cool to be able to do, or is going to be super useful to know, or is going to be a lot of fun to learn. You might, say, put 100 hours into learning snowboarding. You might never take another snowboarding lesson again after that, or deliberately work on your snowboarding skill set, but any time you want to go hit the slopes with friends thereafter, you'll be able to do this and be reasonably assured of having a good time and not tumbling down the mountainside in a giant snowball. Or, you might never learn another thing about computer programming, but if you take 100 hours to practice all you can about a given programming language that the people who work for you use, you're going to have a much easier time managing them, understanding and appreciating the work they do, and hiring people who know what they're talking about (and firing ones who don't).

  5. Book learning doesn't count. I almost hate having to add this in here, but come on - book learning doesn't count. You may have spent 200 hours reading Girls Chase, but if you've only spent 4 hours approaching real women in real life, you've still got another 96 to go.


How Awesome is This?

I think it's pretty awesome.

For me at least, this is a very easy way to get yourself to a base level of proficiency in a number of different skills.

Some of those may be skills that you very much want to practice beyond 100 hours and really develop some expertise on.

Some of them may be skills in areas where you're just not very strong, and you want to shore up one of your weaknesses so it isn't such a problem for you anymore.

You may be excited after reading this, and ready to pick one (and ONLY one) thing and commit yourself to 100 hours on it.

My suggestion?

Wait. Hold off a day or so. Let the emotion die down.

Don't commit yourself until you can commit yourself calmly, because emotionally-made commitments frequently get abandoned as soon as the emotion they were made with disappears.

Make a calm, clear-headed commitment to putting in 100 hours of practice and practical training into something (NOT book learning, or "talking about it" -doing ONLY; it's the only thing that counts for this - if you aren't doing, it doesn't count), and then go do it, and start the day you commit so you're already rolling.

And, have fun (or at least, have fun once you get past the first few "I don't want to do this!" occasions)!

Once you start learning something - actually learning it, and doing it - you'll find you end up going surprising... and often unexpected... new places.

Chase

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

intimidation


Hello, I was wondering if you could write anything about intimidating behaviour? I mean in some articles you mention how guys come out too strong with something, or the way they come across is too strong and when they open their mouth, they release super strong power that blows women off and then leave. I am short guy, some women are bigger than me and I feel this power when some big tall guy is talking with me. So I partly understand the presence of this part. Yet I wonder what effect it has on women and since I have no data nor real experience with this topic, I would be glad to hear something about this.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: intimidation

Author

Anon-

Sure - I'll add it to the list.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Is this useful for things like building rapport and intrigue?


I have been reading Girls Chase for a while, and I have hit that wall where reading no longer helps me. But due my summer job and prepping for a huge test coming up soon, I put it aside for a bit. Now that I'm back in school, I want to get myself back into "back into shape".
To do this, I've been setting a goal for a day and when I go out each weekend, taking a couple goals with me. Over the past week, I realized that some goals were too big to accomplish in simply one day. I've been turning them into weekly and monthly goals. Can I use the 100 hour rule for these goals?
For example a goal would look like this: I want to spend 100 hours actively working on building intrigue in a conversation

Chase Amante's picture

100 Hours of Intrigue

Author

Anon-

It's a little bit harder that way, since it's not quite a cut-and-dry "go here and do this", but... I think you might be able to do that, sure.

The hard part is probably going to be what you consider an hour of intrigue - maybe an easier objective is "100 hours of talking to at least 20 new women focused on creating as much intrigue as possible." Then it's clearer what counts and what doesn't (e.g., walking around looking for someone to talk to doesn't count; sitting with your buddies and drinking doesn't count; sex with that cutie you met on the street last Tuesday doesn't count; only conversation where you're actively building intrigue counts).

I think the "new women" part is important - it's easy to generate some intrigue with a girl you've known for a long time and for comfortable messing around with, but a bit more challenging when you're starting out to be mysterious and mystifying in an attractive way with someone you've just met while still putting enough information out there for the conversation to flow naturally.

Chase

D'brainz's picture

Great Article once again


Great Article once again Chase!!! Since I started reading your articles, my social life has since changed drastically.
Now I understand why I haven't been getting results, these article was what I just needed to keep going.

I also want to ask you a few questions. Though, I posted this on the forum , I haven't gotten any reply yet. first of all, I live in a hostel, it's mixed, I mean, both boys and girls of different nationalities. The hostel is a storey
building with five floors, with many cubicles and rooms on each floor. Have been going out of recent to meet girls, though,just starting out, I feel like I could also meet girls in the hostel.

The thing is, I've been getting interests from chicks in the hostel of recent but I don't know how to close things out. Do I just go to their rooms, knock and try to talk to them, or just hang around in the corridor, wait for them to come out, grab a number or whatever. The other day, I tried to go to a chick's room but ended up freaking myself out, thinking it's weird to go to someone's room uninvited. Any advice will be much appreciated, Thanks again!

Chase Amante's picture

Hostels

Author

Brainz-

Hostels are a pretty chill environment, and since everyone is passing through and more or less in search of an adventure, you're usually pretty safe just stopping by and knocking on someone's door. A good bet might be grabbing a couple of beers before you head over, then when she opens the door just ask, "May I come in? I brought beers!"

From there, if you're getting the "it's on" vibe right away, just make a move and go for it. If not, tell her, "Let's throw the comforter over us and drink some beers and watch a movie," and get in bed and pull the blanket up over the two of her, then hop in and tell her to come on if she's still making up her mind. Once girls are in bed under the cover with you, it's ridiculously easy to escalate for some weird reason (they feel safer under the cover, or it feels naughtier, or something).

Chase

Wes's picture

Krav Maga


Hey Chase,

I completely related to the Krav Maga thing. last week I got to have one free class of Krav and kickboxing. Goddang, that was the toughest thing I ever did.
The next day I was SO sore and was sore the whole weekend. I'm glad I'm not the only one who was completely weak and pathetic. I want to go back anyway and master both kickboxing and Krav.
Also the class is FULL of sexy women. The ratio of women to men was 3:1.
I absolutely love fit women and women who wear yoga pants and if I go back I'm going to see if I can pull any of them. Was your Krav class like this? Did you pull any of them?

Anyway, I decided to take a break from approaching and I'm going back to working on my fundamentals. It seems like every time I think I've got them down, they seem to disappear again. It really shows that they're not TRULY engrained in me. Maybe I'm rushing, but approximately how long does it take for fundamentals to sink in? Can they be thrown in the same category as skills. I don't believe so because they're solely who you are not what you can do.
So far, I've gone a week with a "devil may care" "fuck everything" attitude and I'm seeing results but I don't know if it'll last. I don't want to go back to my "please like me" "I'm a friendly, unthreatening guy" attitude that I used to have while kissing people's asses.

Great helpful article as usual
Good luck with Krav
Wes

Chase Amante's picture

Krav, Fundamentals

Author

Wes-

Fortunately or unfortunately, my Krav classmates have mostly been big, stocky guys twice my size, or lithe muscular guys with boundless energy. Well, makes for fewer distractions, and harder training regimens... and you get toughened up a good bit more when you're taking all the kicks, punches, and throat grabs!

On fundamentals... depends on what it is, with some of them being quicker, some slower. Things like voice and keeping my back straight and chest out took me a very long time to get fully automatic... last time I made major changes to my voice, it took maybe 3 months to stick, plus another 3 months of completely eliminating slippage back to my old speaking style here and there; back erectness I'd fix, only to realize 6 months later it'd gotten mediocre again, then I'd fix; 6 months later, mediocre again; and it didn't get to the point where it was always good without me ever worrying about it at all until maybe 3 years on (although most of that time I wasn't consciously worrying about it). Now I autocorrect back posture any time I start slouching with only very little conscious awareness. There are other things I've incorporated, like Jack Sparrow fingers (the little hand / finger motions Johnny Depp does as Jack Sparrow in the Pirates movies... think he got them from Keith Richards originally... I don't use these that much, but they're fun, charismatic, and occasionally fitting for the occasion), that took me maybe a couple of weeks, tops, just because they were so much fun that I wanted to use them whenever appropriate, and didn't need much mental training to.

It might depend on just how much you enjoy doing the thing - when I started walking wide and dominant through crowds and making people part way in front of me, I really enjoyed it, and had people telling me I walked like a king; I didn't have to work on doing that consciously for long before it became a normal habit. So, purely based on what I can remember here, I'd say the more you enjoy doing something and WANT to do it, the faster you'll probably incorporate it; the more it's a pain to do, the longer it's going to take to implement simply because your brain is protesting against it, forgetting to do it because it doesn't want to do it, and trying to find excuses not to do it ("I'm tired; let's work on that later").

Chase

Wes's picture

Thanks Chase. I guess I just


Thanks Chase.

I guess I just don't enjoy doing it then. I mean, some things like the walk and moving slow feel unnatural and tekious.
I've spent years being conditioned to move fast in order to not miss classes at school.
That's cool that you naturally move slow though. The only time that is tedious is doing cardio, like you said. And we all have that one thing that we don't enjoy doing.

I guess I'm not going to be a "tool bearing hominid" anytime soon. Lol

Michel's picture

Hi Chase, Thanks for all the


Hi Chase,

Thanks for all the great advice on this site. Here's one element of explanation why some guys read about dating, would like to be dating, but don't do it: like many people who go actively into self-improvement, I'm out of a long relationship that ended up a few months ago because I was naive and made mistakes. I know very well that it's over now, and that it's best not to even think about reviving a relationship once it's over, even though I improved a lot since it ended: I know that there are many other cool girls around (after all, each of my girlfriends was way better than the previous so far), so this is not a case of not being able to get over an ex.

But with my girlfriends before, I knew each and every time that we would be lovers in the first 10 seconds after meeting her. Then there is no question of approach anxiety or of bad technique (even though I'm sure that technique helps make the relationship better, and that all I read on this site will one day prove useful!). But without this feeling I really don't feel attracted to a girl. The idea of having sex with these random strangers I meet every day is even mildly disgusting.

So if you have any advice on how to overcome this obstacle and have enthusiasm for getting to know a girl romantically even when *I* don't have too much interest at first (because I'm sure that I'm overlooking great girls with whom I could live nice stories even though we don't have this "interest at first sight"-thing), or on how to create more opportunities to meet a girl with whom I would have this special feeling (apart from forcing myself to meet a lot of new people in many different contexts, which I already do, but more because I like to discover different ways of being than with the hope of meeting such a girl), you would help me immensely and I'm sure other people too.

Thanks for any advice on this!

Chase Amante's picture

Love at First Sight, Distate for Girls with No Chemistry

Author

Michel-

Yes, I can relate to this. I used to have the same thing - love at first sight, where you just KNOW it's THAT girl, and the relationship of course is amazing and the two of you are a perfect match (every girlfriend I've had has been this, and they've all been wonderful), coupled with a distate at the idea of doing anything with other women and a belief that they really aren't suitable for you / not a good match / not women you especially want to be with.

I view the "love at first sight" thing as a real advantage - I don't know that everyone experiences it, but it really helps separate the wheat from the chaff. The "distaste" thing for most women though I view as mostly a weakness - I know why it's there, to protect you from ending up in a relationship with women who AREN'T your ideal relationship candidates, but it can be quite limiting if you want to advance your skill set with women. I don't have enough data points on what causes it to draw any firm conclusions - I speculate it's either an offshoot of narcissism ("She's not good enough for me"), obsessive-compulsive ("She's not quite perfect, and therefore impure / unclean! Don't put your willy on that!"), or simply a deep internal long-term relationship focus ("I want a girl for forever, therefore she MUST be the amazing, and anything short of that simply will not do"). I've only had a few other men tell me they had this, and one former girlfriend, and while I don't think it's totally uncommon, it's not all THAT common, and I haven't seen enough of it that I could tell you what for sure looks like causes it.

In any event, any form of disgust is a protective instinct by the brain - you see a food you don't like, and you feel disgusted because for whatever reason (taste, past history getting sick with that food, fear of new foods, etc.) your brain thinks that food is bad for you, so is emotionally dissuading you from eating it. You see a fat girl, and your brain fears the reputation hit you'd suffer from being seen talking to a fattie, or maybe has an irrational fear of touching her skin leading to you becoming infected by some kind of mythical fat-causing bacteria... and you feel disgust that compels you to stay out of talking / touching distance. Much of the time these fears are irrational and silly (sometimes, as with disgust toward, say, rotting corpses, these fears make reasonably good sense, though).

I still get love at first sight (which even if you're very active doesn't happen THAT often; it's maybe one girl every 2 months for me on average, even at my most active, and even in places with lots and lots of pretty and amazing women), but I forced myself to overcome the mild disgust I felt about sleeping with women I didn't have this with, and told myself it was a necessity to improve my skill base. Once I reached the point where I was skilled enough with women that I wasn't afraid of ever slipping into a relationship I didn't want to be in, this mostly went away; these days I completely enjoy sleeping with new women and it's just an "in the moment" kind of thing. We're just going to bed; we're not going to see each other more than once, unless I felt that love at first sight spark with her, AND she checks off my logical requirements boxes (I've had a few "love at first sight" girls I've discovered were still quite young and didn't have their master's degrees - one of my requirements for a relationship - and others I've gotten their clothes off, only to discover that what looked like acceptable breasts were really just Wonder Bras).

You don't have to push yourself here if you really don't want to; I'm something of an outlier / perfectionist in that once I started learning girl stuff, I REALLY wanted to learn girl stuff, and I decided screw my whiney "But I don't want to sleep with this girl! She may be pretty, but she's not that smart!" voice in my head and just bite the bullet and sleep with her anyway. I soon found out that it wasn't really that bad... in fact, it was pretty enjoyable!

Once your brain realizes you're not going to date a girl unless you WANT to, it'll stop protesting about sleeping with women it doesn't size up as perfect relationship candidates right away, and you can enjoy nights of pleasure with them without fearing lifelong commitment after, because you're in control of whom you date, you have options, and you keep your dating to those love-at-first-sight gals. This does take a little time though... I don't think you ever get really free from the distaste until you achieve absolute abundance and feel reasonably confident that you can get high caliber "just my type" girls easily and more or less at will - once you reach that point, the distaste just vanishes, because it's so easy to get your dream girls that the risk of you dating anything less is zero.

Chase

Richard Weddel's picture

Martial Arts


Way to go Chase!

Martial arts have so many benefits man! Krav Maga is great stuff, I dabbled in it for a while. But, in the long run I've stuck to taking Karate formally, but do a lot with Jiu Jitsu, Judo, Wing Chun ( a little), some Tai Chi, and Hapkido, and along with Karate Ive got mastery in 5 weapons.

I implore you to keep at it Chase, its very rewarding stuff in an infinitely many number of ways, and let's you build even more confidence than you currently have!

-Richard

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Martial Arts

Author

Richard-

Yeah, martial arts are cool stuff. I think you said you were a third degree black belt in something on another thread - guessing that was karate? I took 3 years of Kenpo back in junior high and high school - forget what belt I was though, green with a brown stripe if I recall right, so around the upper middle belts.

Never used it in a fight though - those 3 years of 3 classes a week disappear the instant fists really come out, and every fight I've had was just undisciplined punching and brawling and head butts. What I'm looking for in Krav (and hopefully I'm getting) is something a bit more practical that comes out more instinctually in hand-to-hand combat situations, so I know what I'm doing instead of swinging about like a yeti or getting clobbered by oafs who've spent substantially more of their lives beating on other people than I have.

Chase

Richard Weddel's picture

Agreed


Yes, 3rd degree black belt currently.

The thing with any combat system are the principles it instills, and there are things to look for in any class. Good classes have sparring! and teach you specific mindsets along with that sparring!

If a class doesn't have that, then its really not worth your time, and unless you get that combat experience during the class, like you said, that knowledge is gone as soon as the pressure is on.

Krav classes for the most part teach that, and teach you to always think that your opponent has a weapon. Really great stuff, I hope you learn what you need :)

-Richard

Peacer's picture

Question about one task at a time


Chase you are great.
This is an awesome article I have ever read.

I have a question though about "only have ONE (1) 100 hour task at a time".
Chase, let's image If someone who is newbie to weight lifting, applies this method for starting weight lifting. Okay ?
His trainer says, you have to workout 1 hour for a day and three times for a week.
Well, In this case, he has to wait for something like 33 weeks to start another task.. Right.. ?
Please correct me, If I have understand this whole scenario wrong.

Doesn't it feel too long for waiting to start new task.. ?
In this kind of case, how can we apply this method.. I wonder.. ?
(I mean it is fairly long time right.. 33 weeks.., at the end of that if he feels that this is enough, I don't want it anymore, Don't you feel that he has wasted his time without starting any new task for 33 weeks..? )

And one request dear chase, can you write an article about Time Management, I wonder how do you manager your time..
I have read the "Time efficiency" article, How does he find those kind of methods and tricks.. Oh man.. I always ask myself after reading your articles.. Great...!

Chase Amante's picture

One Task at a Time

Author

Peacer-

You can still do other things, but you should only have one thing that you're committing to 100 hours to do, purely so you avoid commitment burnout. Unless you're an absolute MACHINE (and I don't think I've ever met anyone who is), at some point you're going to fall off the wagon, and it's going to take every ounce of willpower you've got to get back on. If that one thing, it's hard, but manageable; if it's TWO things you've got to get back to regularly doing that you aren't that good at yet and don't REALLY want to do, you're twice as likely to just pack it up and go home.

Your weight-lifting doesn't necessarily have to be your 100 hour goal right now. Since you have a personal trainer you're working with, he might be enough motivation to get you coming in frequently, and you can use your 100 hours on something else. That'd be, you'd say, "Okay, I'm going to try to get in to lift as much as possible, to build a better body and not disappoint my trainer. But my 100 hour task is going to be X other thing." Then make X other thing your commitment, and still try and get in as much as possible for lifting (but don't make it your 100 hour goal).

On time management - sure, I can write one on this. I opt out of a lot of things that people view as "mandatory", which helps manage time a lot better - I check email only every other day or so, for instance, and only after my major tasks for the day are done in case there's anything distracting in there that will divert me off course; my phone is usually on silent, and I don't look at it much, because I'm not so interested in giving other people the power to randomly interrupt me whenever they like; the first 2 hours of the day are frequently your most productive, so make 'em count, and do your top priority work that really requires hard thinking and a major push on then - things like that (those are the ones that stand out when I think about this; I'm sure there are others). But I'll do a post on it.

Chase

The M's picture

Bad vocal habits, almost happy with fundamentals


Cool article, Chase.

I tend to laugh or smile while I'm talking, have a somewhat choppy speaking style, and am often excessively breathy. Do you have any advice for changing these vocal habits? I've tried several times but they seem to come right back every time I'm talking with family, or in an uncomfortable situation.

I only have two fundamentals left to consistently work on - weight lifting and voice - each of which takes at least a 100 hour commitment. Surely it's not procrastinating to take care of those first before starting to approach girls consistently?

Best,
The M

Chase Amante's picture

Bad Habits Under Pressure

Author

M-

Voice habits are most likely to come back under pressure and with people who knew you in the past, yes. All you can do here is actively work on them again in these situations - same as working on them in normal scenarios, once you've gotten used enough to speaking your new way around family / old friends, and in pressure situations, they become your defaults here, too. The only thing you can do to change them is to be aware of them and consciously clamp down on them whenever they crop up until they're gone for good. Sometimes this takes time.

On procrastinating - well, I don't know - does it FEEL like procrastinating? If you ask me, I'd put girls ahead of lifting, and probably ahead of voice too, unless your voice is terrible, but if there are specific reasons in your life why girls will definitely be way better to wait to do until after 100 hours of voice and 100 hours of lifting, maybe it's not procrastinating.

Voice I don't think you necessarily need to target 100 hours for, unless you're doing something specific like going to a voice coach or recording yourself and playing it back. If you're just relying on focusing on your voice as you talk, you'll burn through a few hours of this every day, most likely - chances are you're at 100 hours on voice in a month or so just based off of talking and paying attention to what you're doing and correcting it as you talk. No need for a specific goal here - this one takes care of itself almost naturally with just a bit of focus during conversations over time.

Chase

Jason's picture

Regarding making friends


Hi Chase,

I have a quick question regarding the article you wrote a while back about making friends.

I will be going back to graduate school soon and recently got a bit worried about making friends in this new environment.

My background is usually viewed with a somewhat "high" implied value as I went to a "top" school and had investment banking experience.

Usually this works well with females looking to be friends but with guys would this come off as too showy?

I usually try to imply value through the fact I like to:

- weightlift

- like fashion

- like to go out and drink (once I get drunk I usually am a lot of fun)

I am really curious how you would normally gain friends in an all new environment like graduate school where there are lots of open opportunities. Thank you so much Chase!

Chase Amante's picture

Not Being Too Showy

Author

Jason-

There's a magic phrase I use for dismissing high prestige things that are too much for some people: "Yeah, but whatever."

That's like this:

Guy: ... so then I worked for Accenture.

Me: Oh, cool. You've had a pretty decent career.

Guy: What about you? What do you do?

Me: Not too much. I do some work on the Internet. A little writing. I used to be a senior consultant for [big name high prestige multinational]; that's my claim to fame in the business consulting world.

Guy: Oh, wow. [company name]... that's a great company.

Me: Yeah, but whatever. It's still sitting in cubicles mashing on keyboards. The only thing impressive about it is the name on your résumé.

If it was grad school (not having gone, so I'm speculating), I'd probably hard-target finding right away a really cool guy who struck me as the sort of guy who probably does all right with women and who seems like he's someone who will be very interested in being the center of a social circle. I'd then tell this guy we ought to grab drinks, and try to make this happen ASAP - that night, if possible, or the next if not. I'd then tell him he seems like a cool dude, and we should see if we can get something of a circle going and get some cute girls and what not.

I'd then spend the next couple of weeks meeting the coolest guys and the prettiest girls I could find and telling them New Friend and I were having drinks and they ought to come along... which they will, because I seem like a cool guy, and they don't know anybody here yet, and people come to grad school to 1.) get a degree, and 2.) network. Bring them out, roll them into the circle. Spend a few weeks getting that built up, and you've got your base of awesome people to roll with, brainstorm with, and mastermind things up with.

Because grad schools are typically small, incestuous environments not unlike a more relaxed version of high school (or so I hear), you'll probably very quickly be one of the two guys (you and your buddy you started the circle with) at the center of the "cool kids club", which means you get your pick of the litter with any girl in the rest of the school, and an easy way of making friends with any guys you want - just invite them to come out and join the cool kids club for an evening, or even for a drink to chat one-on-one with you.

Anyway, I haven't done grad school... but that's probably how I'd go about it if I was going. Will be a fair amount of work socially those first few weeks, but the first few weeks are the most important for setting things up for the next two years, and after that you're just reaping the benefits of those first few weeks of setup work.

Chase

Knight's picture

Hours


To anyone who is still unsure with where to turn just get in there! Seriously, you're sitting on a gold mine where Chase has put in the hard work over the years for you - that being said you still need to put some in yourself but you will be reaping the rewards so quick. I still have a lot to learn but I'm using this stuff everyday to bring in new people to my life and clear out the old ones that sought never to improve themselves or others. Stop focusing on small details like I did when I was unsure and just go with your mind - stick to the fundamentals that you learn and become aware of on this blog and then it won't matter if you make a mistake, you will be a benefit to those around you and they probably won't even recognize it - don't sabotage yourself by limiting yourself to reading all this and not employing it because you're unsure of what Chase would do in the situation. So go ahead and benefit others and yourself. Focus on the smaller details when you have your fundamentals down and you want to become more efficient!

Falcon's picture

Short On Time


Hey Chase,

Great to hear you're training in krav maga! Personally I train in brazilian jiu-jitsu, muay thai, boxing, wrestling and mma but I do have a few friends that do krav.

I have been implementing all of the tips you are giving here and it has been helping a lot! This past summer I have been approaching tons of girls and getting great success. However now that school has started I am running into a little problem that is kind of pestering. Most of the time whenever I am making approaches at school it is in that 5 minute period between classes. A lot of times I just see them walking the same direction so I pre-open with the little touch to the elbow or something of the sort and then start talking and deep diving. However depending on their class we might be talking for 1-3 minutes or less and I usually don't get to close in time, then I am forced to finish the next day ( if I see them again ).

I know that trick you discussed in another article ( I forget which :P ) where you give them your number and tell them something along the lines of "this could be the best thug that ever happened to you" however at school a risky approach like that that goes bad gets around real fast, and hurts my social value...

So do you know any good ways to close fast without taking huge risks of hurting social value?

Thanks,
~Falcon

Chase Amante's picture

Two Minute Number Close

Author

Falcon-

You're thinking of the Two Minute Number Close, and it actually goes quite different from how you remember - see this article, and do a Ctrl+F / Cmd+F for "Two Minute Number Close": "How to Get a Phone Number from a Girl Every Time You Ask."

Assuming you're relatively smooth when you ask, and that you legitimately ARE in a hurry, you'll be able to pull this one off quite directly and genuinely, and even if you get a "no", you can simply respond with something along the lines of, "Too bad. Maybe I'll see you around then!" Done right, and if you leave with your head held high, even if she rejects you then and there, if you run into her in parties / class / the cafeteria / elsewhere, she's going to remember you and think well of you, and perhaps even finding you charming and intriguing. I've heard from a few guys in college of women they've approached quickly and boldly who rejected them then and there (usually on autopilot), and they handled it well, and ended up running into the girl socially, where suddenly she had huge amounts of attraction for the guy and they ended up together.

I have some similar non-college stories myself, of girls I've approached, got a "no", exited gracefully, then ran into later and attraction was off the charts and things went smoothly after that. It seems to be something where the girl rejects you, you handle it very well, and she's left thinking, "Wow. Maybe I SHOULDN'T have rejected him...! Damn," only for her to meet you later unexpectedly, and view that as a second chance with a rare, charming man.

Chase

Jake's picture

Brilliant. I think that this


Brilliant. I think that this article is tops at the most important ones you ever posted, after all, if people don't use any of this stuff, then there's no point. I'm sure that you realized this (seems pretty much the reason you made this article in the first place).

This goes much further than just going out to approach women, actually. It helps you handle your quest for constantly working on your fundamentals, which is the very core of being able to attract women successfully: constantly worrying about your looks and body language, going to the gym, taking martial arts classes, all these stuff that gives you that edge.

You've been closing all gaps on the mindset category, which by far is one of the most fascinating aspects of this site. As you discussed in the Mastery article, having a model and taking action is the most crucial of all steps of achieving mastery of anything. Wayne Gretzky puts it better when he says that "You miss 100 percent of the shots you never take."

One things that I thought I might point out so it become clear to you is that one thing that keeps appearing on the mindset posts is learning. Lots of book claim to teach you something much faster than the traditional way, and I truly believe that you can learn things faster than the average - you even shared an brief anecdote on your college experiences regarding to learning way faster than your friends.

I think it would be and astonishingly interesting post, as people would have a better algorithm to deconstruct and apply things that they read on here to real life situations. Sometimes I have to read the same paper or article over and over again to remember myself to pay attention to this or that specific behavior. I think that violates "Time efficiency done right". Am I just too hurried and sick of "wasting time" on something that really takes time (such as your data points being spaced enough so you can see the pattern in them) or do you have better ways of learning and remembering things to share with us? :)

Chase Amante's picture

Learning

Author

Jake-

Yeah, an article on general learning tech could be interesting to write. There are all kinds of little nuances to it, but offhand I'd say some of the big ones for me are to constantly be fitting every new piece of information into a larger overall picture, and when the information doesn't fit, stop and figure out why - is the picture in your head wrong (most likely, if the information is from a credible source and you're not an expert); is the information itself wrong (possibly, if the source is not credible and pains are not taken to rigorously verify that information); is the picture right, and the information is right, but you're just trying to fit it into the wrong place in the picture?

Another part is doing as soon as you can - I think I talked about that in the "Mastery Anything" article... I get very impatient if I've just gotten good, usable new information but I'm being prevented from using it (say, because the instructor is going on too long of an exposition without giving enough time to try things out). In six-week training class I had while back as a business consultant, I'd invariably open up the software we were being trained to use and start blowing through the assignments in class as soon as I felt like I had enough of a handle on them from what the instructor was saying, and often by the time he or she would tell us to get started on the assignment, I'd already be halfway or completely finished, and could then help other students who were scratching their heads and staring blankly at the screens to figure out what to do. Not necessarily because I was any smarter than they are; there were some really clever folks in that class with me. It was more that I get a lot of enjoyment out of being the first one done and being able to explain things and having everyone else say, "How did he learn that so fast? How does he already know what to do?" All I really did was start doing the exercise while the instructor was still talking, while still paying enough attention to what was being said to make sure I didn't miss anything important. That's the only hard part that takes a little getting used to, is the balancing between listening and doing.

The emotional aspect is a big one here; you have to be excited about learning, and pride yourself on piecing everything together like a big puzzle. This mindset is rare enough that whenever you take it on, you're usually the only person with it, which means you get a lot of special privileges and recognition from all the people who see you as "smart" or "gifted" or "talented" (when all you're doing is working harder and paying more attention than anybody else). But the emotional boost you get from being a winner at learning can be very similar to the one you get from being the best at billiards or basketball or anything else; I might say, treat it like a competitive sport, and see if you can come up with the most piercing insights, the most complete perspective, the fastest puzzling together of all the pieces on any given task, and you will find yourself learning ever faster and faster and more and more thoroughly.

But - I'll do a more fleshed out post on it at some point and try to collect all these messy thoughts into something a bit more orderly.

Chase

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