Who Controls Your Woman, the Environment or You? | Girls Chase

Who Controls Your Woman, the Environment or You?

Chase Amante

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control your woman
Everything in a woman’s life wields some degree of control over her. The big question is, do you control your woman – or yield control to others?

College tells her feminism
Is what she must embrace.
Her boss says that it is “career”
What wins in the workplace.
Nightlife tells her status
While friends tell her “fun” too.
So who controls your woman
The environment, or you?

At some point, you will find yourself with a girl you like, and decide you want to hang onto her a while. You may not want to keep her forever. You might want a short relationship. Or perhaps you do want her forever.

The man sets the pace and trajectory of the relationship. The woman agrees with his direction and submits to it, or she will disagrees and rebels. If she rebels, she does so to force change to the pace and trajectory of the relationship, not to destroy the relationship or take control herself.

You won’t have women tell you, “We’re doing it my way now.” Well, not usually. Instead, she acts up, pressures you, whines, pouts, complains, and does everything she can to get you to change. She does not want to lead. She wants to influence the leader. Influencing, rather than directly leading, is how women control.

We talk about control in this article. Not control in the sense of unwilling control. Nothing here we’ll discuss will be anything against anyone’s will. The kind of control we will discuss here is leadership, influence, attraction, seduction, security, comfort, and power. It is about who wields the greater control over the mind of an individual. Will it be you, her partner? Or will it be the many other forces in the environment that wish her to do as they will – and not as you do?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

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Comments

stefxxxyyy's picture

hello Chase, great article! Chase have you read some books by Osho, i think he have many interesting perspectives on so many topics, recently roosh write and article on return of kings about one of his books ( trancription of his speeches) http://www.returnofkings.com/127570/when-the-shoe-fits-by-osho-is-a-deep...

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Stef-

I have not read him, no. I've read Confucius's analects, which are in some ways complimentary to tao, but in other ways its opposite. Confucius would say a man needs to spend 70 years studying and practicing before he can truly live in society in an effortless way analogous to what tao teaches.

They're two very different philosophies, Taoism vs. Confucianism. Girls Chase is an inherently Confucian site; it revolves around deliberate self-improvement, perfecting and challenging oneself, and study and practice. But both Taoism and Confucianism have great things to teach. I think we might say Taoism is the path toward personal contentment, while Confucianism is the path toward personal achievement. Both are worthy paths, though they don't always overlap at all times.

That said, I'm very onboard with a lot of the stuff Osho says in that article by Roosh, though. Expect nothing from others. Nature is vast; man is narrow. Be sincere to your inner nature. Friends don't have as large an impact on you as enemies do. Lots of excellent perspectives there.

Chase

Jimbo's picture

Very interesting read.

I don't have much to comment about how you go about exerting your influence on your woman because it all sounds pretty sensible and feasible to me.

The part about feminists or feminist-minded women being more masculine, as in biologically, is very intriguing. It's one of those things you've always noticed, and then you get a study on it that supports it, and you go, "of course!"

I kind of understand these feminists, you know. I mean their rage and all. It's like, being more manly makes you more offended by people, say, holding doors for you or calling you "sweetheart" patronizingly. Not only that, it makes the men who are more masculine than you, and therefore the men who can make you feel woman, fewer and far between. And what makes matters worse is that many of these go for women who are more feminine than you are. No wonder these shrews go nuts and can never knock off that chip on their shoulder. They also tend to have more penis envy.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Jimbo-

Indeed. Though by another coin, clearly higher masculinity among a certain proportion of females is adaptive, or else we wouldn't have it.

Of the more masculine women I've known, it seems they eventually find a somewhat feminine man to settle down with, and both are happy-ish in the end. The guy has a girl to watch after him and protect him, and the girl has a guy who'll always be there at home waiting for her. It's not what most men want or what most women want, but for the people who match these traits, I guess it's perfect.

Chase

Jimbo's picture

Right. I'm sure they adapt socially and find their niches. But I'm not sure the trait itself is adaptive, i.e. that it keeps popping up because it's beneficial. You mentioned they get exposed to testosterone in utero, which suggests it's epigenetic rather than genetic. Btw wouldn't that be the cause of higher-than-normal testosterone in men too? I wonder what causes this "uterine exposure".

JJ's picture

There are a lot of females these days waiting until their late 30's & up to their 40's to start a family. I've many friends over 35 that are single & childless, but very accomplished in life & still living it up. They're doing all the things they love traveling, philanthropy, hooking up, working, spending time, energy & money on causes they deem worthy, just enjoying life in a healthy manner. I think some radical women are misunderstood. Anyhow, I do identify w/ some of these types of ladies w/ exception of extremists. I for one don't think it's selfish to speak up & support women who want to remain unattached, childless & manless for however long they wish it to stay that way. Quite the contrary, it selfless to live in such a liberated way for a lengthy period of time. Why o.O bc its better to wait until later on in life to build a nest than to give in to pressures sooner than advisable only to please others then feel held back & suffocated as time passes. Its noble to wait for the adequate timing to compromise for a man & kids. Being spontaneous, self reliant & having conviciton while being young & single, surely decreases the chances of divorcing, post-partum depression & worse once married w/ kids. Being confident, free, determined & independent provides a woman w/ more time to accomplish other goals & causes. Only a woman who has dedicated time to herself exclusively w/ few distractions has truly explored her core enough to understand herself inside out. Only then will a woman truly discover she's ready. That the time has come for her to subordinate & genuinely crave to spend a significant amount of everything she has to offer the rest of her life for the welfare of her hubby,children & future ones to come. Once properly prepared a woman will joyfully, merge into the role of parenting & marriage. For it not to feel forced takes time. Once a woman has had time to herself & allowed herself to control at least 3/4 of her life she will have no trepidations of having never experienced that. For me having kids so early on in life in my late twenties would be detrimental. I would resent them not as little vampires in the womb , but as they grow up. After all, they don't remain innocent oblivious babies for long & grow up to become larger sized vampires sucking out tons of energy from mom. Thats's why there are so many appalling unfit mothers & wives; they rushed into those roles increasing their likelhood of turning into immature, insecure, unhappy,unfaithful, unprincipled, substance, emotional or physical abusers. Many get pregnant in their teens & by 21 have a bunch of kids by different men. This happens more often w/ underdeveloped mind & unstimulated girls manipulated by so called alpha men typically. An educated worldy gal is smart enough to make a man earn her respect, agree to her ultimatums & wait for her longer to commit to the level of marriage & fam. Being obligated as a preteen/teen to take on unwanted adult responsibilities & being bounced around was awful. I certainly, won't entirely blame my past for my actions of the present, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't affected me. The past is in large part why control & freedom are so valuable to me today & will continue to be so for another decade or more. Adults who've endured bitter experiences at a very young age know the stigmas are very real & scarring. My friends & i may be seen with disapproving eyes, but we won't compromise until fate calls for it. We are making wise & strategic decisions for the best possible outcome for our future. In my case i sure dont want history to repeat itself. The importance is awareness of the situation & to take into consideration opinions & options,something a self reliant woman always does to improve.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

JJ-

Yeah, the "older women reproducing" thing is an intriguing phenomenon.

There are the health risks and fertility problems, of course. A woman's ability to conceive drops off a pretty steep cliff after 35, and by 40 it's generally very low. The rate of defects increases every year after I think age 20, but really picks up speed after 35. Down's syndrome and autism are two off the top of my head that explode in incidence rates at older ages. We can use fertility treatments to offset the decline in fertility women experience after their mid-30s, and embryo screening to weed out embryos with certain issues (like Down's syndrome). But it seems the large increase in autistic children is largely due to the rise in older women having children.

From a social and gene pool perspective, the phenomenon is interesting. There are a lot of gene copying errors that occur with older mothers in much higher frequencies. Most of these will be deleterious... but copying errors are also how we get good mutations that produce evolution. So it might be that while older mothers have more offspring with more problems, they also produce a greater number of occasional evolutionary leaps forward that then pass into the greater gene pool.

Humans most likely evolved menopause to reduce intragenerational breeding conflicts:

The Origin of Menopause: Why Do Women Outlive Fertility?

However, if you're living in detached urban environments, where women are detached from their families, shutting off breeding to help raise the next generation would appear to become counterproductive... since the female is no longer much involved with helping to boost her children's reproduction. And then you also get the greater mating opportunities of cities, which means it takes longer to satisfice for mates. Delaying childbirth and spending more time dating and hooking up helps a woman make more certain she gets the best possible mate she can get... assuming enough high caliber men are still on the market and still open to settling down with her at the age she decides she's ready for it (and anecdotally, it seems to me there are still plenty of high quality 40 year old men interested in settling down with 40 year old women... much unlike the manosphere's "neglected spinsters" trope).

So it seems like a rational response to the environment, within the constraints put in place by biology. Also, most people in industrial societies produce few children (1 or 2), so you don't need as early a start since you're not having as large a brood.

(anyway, I'm not looking on anyone with disapproving eyes here... hopefully you didn't get that impression! I have more concern than anything for women who delay marriage and childbirth too long - concern they go too far along the settle down curve and end up with worse options than they otherwise might've had, or that they realize they want children too late to have them. But from what I've seen for the most part, these concerns are unnecessary and most women are able to handle themselves just fine!)

Chase

JJ's picture

Chase, there you go again! Hahaha,you manage to make me feel like I'm some silly ranting female, whose shoved her foot up her mouth; dare I hope it's all imagined & unintentional lol (ツ) What I say isn't aimed at you, its indirect just commentary which I've a challenging time filtering. Everyone has different expectations. My stance is from my experience,like at 26 I know want, what I allow & i set the rules. I'm fortunate to live in a country where I'm entitled to those privileges,right?(ツ) I've very lavish standards I realize, but being that my choices, my fate (so long as im alive) are within my power, I'll not settle for less. As always I value your honest input. Thanks Chase, really, i think I've never bestowed you w/ the very well deserved gratitude you've earned. I really appreciate your advice.

Anonym's picture

Hi Chase,

An interesting article. I have some points:

1) In many of your recent articles you write about feminism (mostly in a critical way) and advice how other men could defend themselves and reduce its impact. Is it also intended as a small contribution to the culture wars of the day, or is it unintended side effect?

2) When you wrote about how to reduce other influences on your woman, do you think it is applicable on her religion and that it should be applied in this case as well if her religion has some undesirable effect on her that you do not want?

3) You wrote: “And you can also explain what I’d call the ‘proselytization principle’: the more vehemently someone preaches and proselytizes a given position, the less accurate that position is likely to be. The more heavily and aggressively it’s preached, the more of a farce it is – I’ve yet to find an exception to this principle.” And “Your duty is to explain to women that ALL forces seeking to control or influence her are selfish, and they ALL want her to do what they want her to do for their own selfish reasons.... They are not selfless heroes, fighting for her liberation. They’re just more people trying to use her. They may have noble intentions, but now she needs to examine their motives more closely.

While you here have a good point about the influences (including feminism), this argumentation can be applied on all sorts of anti-Feminism as well. Moreover, in your articles you are often critical towards feminism and progressivism and political Left, but those there are not the only ones who try aggressively to use others for their purposes while presenting themselves as liberators. Think about libertarians obsessed with taxes and governmental regulations (including the Tea Party) or the Cold War anti-Communist crusaders who saw Communism or some kind of Marxism in everything what was not enough conservative (I mean the kind of people who still believe that Obama is a Soviet-style Marxist Communist Socialist Totalitarian Liberal Whatever) – those people typically see themselves as the ultimate advocates of freedom. Other sort are religious fundamentalist of all kind. Do you think what those groups sometimes aggressively preach is farce as well?
Furthermore, there are more kind of selfishness in a sense that people believe what they think is true, f.e. compare Mother Theresa and Hitler. So influence by some other actors are not always bad.

4) You wrote:” Male Feminist Ally™ readers... I know we have some of them. Though not really sure why they come here; this place must be apostasy to them.”

I am one of those readers, I have sympathy for feminism. But for me it is not religion, so there is no apostasy. Sometimes I do not agree with you, a few times I was upset or shocked (especially while reading articles by Hector – I still wonder how someone could think and live like this…), but I am not here primarily for political education. I appreciate that you think your position through – you do it more than the vast majority of critics of feminism and progressivism. And you avoid ad hominem attacks unlike many others (f.e. that “feminists are just unatttractive women without man and sex”) or conspiracy theories. GirlsChase articles are thought provoking, which I like.
I am here because I want to understand women better and be more successful with them and this website goes much deeper to the topic than others I have found. Also “Male Feminist Allies” may have troubles with women – the only difference is that unlike many other men they do not blame feminism and do not have that much bitterness towards women in general.
I also believe that there are many common points between feminism and what you write on GC, see what I wrote here: http://www.girlschase.com/content/it-ever-okay-date-feminist .

5) As a phd student in sociology I can tell you that you might be a good sociologist.

Thank you.

Anonym.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Anonym-

There is a difference between European and American feminism. In America, feminism has adopted a markedly anti-man position - not universally, but there are a lot of anti-male forces within the movement. I'm not especially interested in fighting against it politically (it is not my place), but I do see it as part of my job here to give men the tools they need to get the women and relationships they want. Where feminism is hostile to that, they need tools to defend against its impacts.

Religion is a major influence on a woman, yes. It should be something you screen for, since it is very hard to change. But you can influence women on this as well. Plenty of men over the ages have sucked their women into cults. And I, for one, often date women who do not have a religion at the start, or are only very loose practitioners of one, but gently urge them over time to explore the various religions more and do see a shift in them over time. So this can definitely be done, and I do it myself.

While you here have a good point about the influences (including feminism), this argumentation can be applied on all sorts of anti-Feminism as well. Moreover, in your articles you are often critical towards feminism and progressivism and political Left, but those there are not the only ones who try aggressively to use others for their purposes while presenting themselves as liberators. Think about libertarians obsessed with taxes and governmental regulations (including the Tea Party) or the Cold War anti-Communist crusaders who saw Communism or some kind of Marxism in everything what was not enough conservative (I mean the kind of people who still believe that Obama is a Soviet-style Marxist Communist Socialist Totalitarian Liberal Whatever) – those people typically see themselves as the ultimate advocates of freedom. Other sort are religious fundamentalist of all kind. Do you think what those groups sometimes aggressively preach is farce as well?
Furthermore, there are more kind of selfishness in a sense that people believe what they think is true, f.e. compare Mother Theresa and Hitler. So influence by some other actors are not always bad.

Yes, of course. You can basically break down most things in society this way:

  • Extermists on one side pushing too-radical views one way
  • Extremists on the other side pushing too-radical views the other way
  • A huge majority of people in the middle who get swayed one way or the other by the extremists

I'll give you an example. Let's say the migration crisis the West is undergoing. We have two extreme positions:

  1. We need to let in as many migrants as possible, because it is our duty, our responsibility, and the only good, compassionate, and not-racist thing to do

  2. We need to shut the borders, kick out all the migrants, cut off the welfare spigot, because these people are being imported to replace us, out-vote us, and genocide us

Both sides proseyltize their positions with ardor. Both sides are extremely overblown. No, we do not have a responsibility to pay for every poor person on the planet. And no, we also are not going to get genocided any time soon by migrants. There are some degrees of truth in both extremes. But when you hear people screaming about positions very loudly, it is usually safe to assume those positions are overblown.

Libertarians have unrealistic tax goals. The Red Scare was obviously overblown. The whole Obama-as-a-communist (lol) thing is obvious farce. (I was certainly disappointed in Obama as president - I was very excited for him, voted for him, and then he did the opposite of everything he said he would do and that I voted for. But that just goes to show how deep a whole the unelected elements of the government are embedded. I feel bad for Obama, in the end - he rode in as an idealist, and within maybe 3 months had completely surrendered to what Trump supporters are now calling "the swamp")

Religious fundamentalists - same thing. I referenced it in another article I think, but there was a doomsday cult (chronicled in one of Robert Cialdini's books) that becomes far more passionate about proseyltization after its end-of-the-world predictions faltered. Jehovah's Witnesses work the same way - the apocalypse doesn't come, so they preach harder. The best way to convince yourself your positions are right, when you know your positions are tenuous, is to convince others to believe what you believe... then at least you can have security in numbers.

I am one of those readers, I have sympathy for feminism. But for me it is not religion, so there is no apostasy. Sometimes I do not agree with you, a few times I was upset or shocked (especially while reading articles by Hector – I still wonder how someone could think and live like this…), but I am not here primarily for political education. I appreciate that you think your position through – you do it more than the vast majority of critics of feminism and progressivism. And you avoid ad hominem attacks unlike many others (f.e. that “feminists are just unatttractive women without man and sex”) or conspiracy theories. GirlsChase articles are thought provoking, which I like.
I am here because I want to understand women better and be more successful with them and this website goes much deeper to the topic than others I have found. Also “Male Feminist Allies” may have troubles with women – the only difference is that unlike many other men they do not blame feminism and do not have that much bitterness towards women in general.
I also believe that there are many common points between feminism and what you write on GC, see what I wrote here: http://www.girlschase.com/content/it-ever-okay-date-feminist .

You might get the wrong idea from Girls Chase, but the pickup artist community in general is extremely pro-feminist / pro-progressivism. You have some of the manosphere/partly-PUA sites, like Roosh and ROK, that are hardcore anti-feminist.

And then you get GC, which is just contrarian and skeptical of anything that tries to tell people what to do "because reasons." With me personally, the people I have most often telling me I need to do X or I need to do Y are usually feminists, which makes them look like a bunch of uptight moral police to me. But we also get manosphere and MRA guys doing that, and those guys look like uptight moral police to me too. I realize there are plenty of feminists and plenty of manosphere guys who are not prudes, and I have no bones whatsoever with those people. It's the finger waggers and tut-tutters my quarrel is with. Primarily because their rationales for why I and others need to listen to them and do as they say are lacking in substance and poorly argued/reasoned (I'd be happy to follow someone's set of proscriptions if he could present an acceptable argument why I needed to, but I've yet to see that from either the feminists or the manosphere/MRA folks. These people are long on lists of things they think you "need" to do, yet short on good reasons for why it is you "need" to do them).

By the same coin, in the context of this article, the prudish feminists who want to tell your girlfriend that she needs to do this and she needs to do that and she needs to fight against you and not put up with such and such from you have positioned themselves as hostile to how you want to run your relationship. So ultimately, you need to defeat those people in the battle for ideas and influence.

(also, due to the superficial overlap much of this site's material has with feminism - like you noted in your comment - I sometimes have to differentiate us from it to make sure we aren't associated with it. While we arrive at the same points, it's often via very different processes, and with very different tones. e.g., feminists' criticisms of males are usually self-serving; like don't be bitter toward women because it is evil and oppressive - the woman is telling the man to treat her better because she wants better treatment from him, with zero insight into the reason why he feels bitter in the first place. Whereas when we talk about it here, it is look - I know you've had some bad experiences, but there are a lot of screwed up people out there - men and women both - and you've got to move past that if you want to get results and lay the good ones. Feminists rarely admit to men that there are flawed women responsible for those men's bitterness, nor will they lay out reasons to eschew bitterness that appeal to men's self-interest; they try to inspire service, from the man to the woman, which is not going to work on a bitter man who has auto-rejected women)

Thank you for your thoughts on reading here and not having it conflict too much with your support of feminism. I think that's cool.

And yes, I try very much to avoid ad hominem. Or any logical fallacies. Although it's tough to weed all logical fallacies out of your thinking and speaking :)

Chase

Slay's picture

Chase,

You know I've been reading GC for a long time and I love your stuff. This website has largely made me who I am today, which is why I'm saying this.

Something I've noticed in your recent articles is small hints, almost sparks of negativity are slipping through the writing. Re-Read your last few articles and you'll see what I mean.

Your articles are no longer neutral and empathic and understanding. For example, your use of mockery and sarcasm seems a bit... incongruent. I get the feeling you are trying to reach a more mainstream crowd?

The articles are still jam packed with good info just as always, but I'm starting to feel worn down after reading these articles were as before you were able to convey your points in a positive, uplifting matter.

My 2 cents,
Slay

P.S Thanks for the advice on my sport, brother.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Slay-

Ha, sorry about that. Probably overdid it with this article in particular.

This was a particularly dicey topic to write on. There's no good way to talk about "you need to have better control on your woman; various forces in the environment are hostile toward your relationship" in an uplifting, friendly way. Likely should've gone for an even gentler tone, considering the heavy content.

I'll be more sensitive to tone, and hopefully we can avoid too many "worn out" feelings.

Chase

pp's picture

How one is supposed to talk about dark side things in a positive way? It's natural to feel bad, or is there the way to be uplifting even when discussing such topics. This got me thinking about... is there a way to discuss dark topics, stay serious, but don't look too negative. For someone even not putting a smile on the face is negativity, for others mentioning things like death, prisons, taxes, corrupt politicians or STDs is mood destroyers that make us look "uncool".

Would be a nice topic for an article, Chasito.

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