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Over on our discussion forum, member Sneaky_Charm asks for help getting “unstuck” and making progress again:
“I realize that I’m looking for an easy fix, and in a way, trying to justify my laziness. As if looking for some magic! But, at the same time, I’ve read enough books to understand that self-image is a very real thing.
Chase, I know you said in one article that you were in the same place for years, and then your life started to change. So what did you do? Did you do anything, or it just happened?”
He says he knows “the biggest problem is taking action.” Yet, he’s still not taking enough. How do you stop running underwater when you’re not taking sufficient action in the first place?
Well, part of it’s just internal motivation. Sometimes until you really crater, you won’t feel sufficiently motivated to really step it up. Or sometimes you catch a lucky break (or perhaps you caused that break yourself by feeling around and exploring and testing stuff out) and you get a taste of what your true potential is or could be, and that’s all the motivation you need after that.
In my case, both sides played a role: I made rock bottom my home for a good long while and finally had enough of it, and then I managed to string together a bunch of lucky breaks over a period of time that gradually gave me tastes of what was waiting for me if I busted my tail. A beautiful girl unexpectedly gives me her phone number; I see a guy who’s light years better than me with girls, and watch him work, and understand. And I say to myself, “I can do this.”
But the art of self-cultivation can be boiled down to a simpler, and different, formula than just internal motivation + luck. We can also boil it down to this: draw some boxes, then start checking them off.
Comments
Confucianism and Taoism
Nice article, man. I agree with you completely about the superfluousness of the idea of willpower as internal battle. By conceptualizing willpower as a virtue in this way, all action is frustrated and a profound doubt and "stuckness" seems to sink in on a person.
Though, I think you are giving Taoists a bad rap in this post.
Both Taoists and Confucians are opposed to split-mindedness (though they talk about it differently).
Confucianism and Taoism are the two great currents of thought that have shaped Chinese culture, and they play a curious game with one another.
Confucianism is a way of ordering society. It's predominantly concerned with rituals, right action (morality), government, and human relations. Its highest virtue is rén -- which is sometimes translated as 'benevolence', but is better translated as 'human-heartedness'.
This virtue was held by Confucius above righteousness and justice and propriety, and all the other great Confucian virtues.
It involves the principle that human nature is a fundamentally good arrangement. Our etiquette, kindness, appetites, passions, waywardness, etc. – they all are good.
A truly human-hearted person is a gentleman with a slight touch of rascality, just as a soup is better with some salt.
Confucianism, with its great emphasis on formality and morality, is for people involved in the world, while Taoism is more for people who (want to) get disentangled from the world.
To put it in clearer terms: Confucianism generally appeals more to squares -- people focused on building a formal career or family -- while Taoism more to bohemians and old people who've "been there, done that" and are interested in finding out what this whole thing is about – e.g. asking “Who am I really, outside of my personality?”
Where did you get the idea that Taoism is saying that training yourself is easy? I've never once heard or read a Taoist say anything of the sort -- that training yourself is easy, and achieving results is hard. That goes very much against the grain of the Taoist way of thinking (both training as easy and training as hard. How hard does the tree train itself to grow? It just grows.). Taoism is more saying, flow with nature. Confucianism is saying, live harmoniously with man. I think both deal with action in a different way than you are conveying they do in this post.
When I talk about Taoism with people who are not very familiar with it, one thing I like to talk about is how it contains all kinds of secrets as to the performance of every kind of business, craft, performance, art, etc., and that one of the major purposes of the Tao Te Ching is a manual of guidance for a ruler (essentially telling him 'rule by not ruling').
--
"Tell me," said Lao-tzu, "in what consist charity and duty to one's neighbour?"
"They consist," answered Confucius, "in a capacity in rejoicing in all things; in universal love, without the element of self. These are the characteristics of charity and duty to one's neighbour."
"What stuff!" cried Lao-tzu, "Does not universal love contradict itself? Is not your elimination of self a positive manifestation of self? Sir, if you would cause the empire not to lose its source of nourishment – there is the universe, its regularity is unceasing; there are the sun and moon, their brightness is unceasing; there are the stars, their groupings never change; there are the birds and beasts, they flock together without varying; there are trees and shrubs, they grow upwards without exception. Be like these: follow Tao, and you will be perfect. Why then these vain struggles after charity and duty to one's neighbour, as though beating a drum in search of a fugitive. Alas! Sir, you have brought much confusion into the mind of man."
(imaginary dialogue between Confucius and Lao-tzu, by Chuang-tzu)
-Ethan
Right You Are - Should be Mencian, Not Daoist!
Ethan-
Oh yeah, hard to win when the fight is against oneself, isn’t it?
On a reread, you are right!
I got tangled up in words and misattributed as ‘Daoist’ what should have been ‘Mencian’ (Mencius being in fact a Confucian). Here’s the passage I knotted up in:
It seems that Xun-zi is rather using ‘Daoist-tending’ as an insult against Mencius (a Confucian), much the same way political parties will attack other members of the party by calling them supporters of the opposite party.
So my misread and I will correct in the article. Thanks for pointing that out.
Also, other interesting thoughts on Daoism vs. Confucianism from you here! I like your simple contrast of “Confucianism, with its great emphasis on formality and morality, is for people involved in the world, while Taoism is more for people who (want to) get disentangled from the world.”
Confucians don’t seem to be terribly fond of Daoists and generally seem to view them as irresponsible, from the passages I’m reading:
Though of course, if you’re going to be involved in the world, you think everyone else ought to be too, and people withdrawing from it are “irresponsible” or “neglectful.” I get the same thing from politically animated guys who are upset I’m not involved in American politics ;)
Another excerpt, this one with Schiller’s interpretation of Confucianism vs. Daoism:
Anyway, all interesting stuff.
Cheers for setting me straight and helping to not be too misleading with this one.
Chase
CHANGE
Chase, the CHANGE you are bringing to my life and to millions of other men is astonishing! Truly you are not a weak and AVERAGE man.
I'm on my way up to the TOP too.I'll see you there ;)
Oliver
Ancient Chinese thought
Hey Chase,
If you are enjoying Confucius, I highly suggest Edward Slingerland's book "Trying Not to Try." Ton's of lessons relevant to seduction in there, especially about achieving effortless action through repetitive effort.
Cheers
Slingerland
Nate-
Thanks for the recommendation. Checked it out; looks good. It's on my reading list now!
Chase
Great post
Great article (as usual). I love your use of philosophies. Further, I like how you've introduced mechanisms to help control our own 'will-powers.' Thanks for your work, I find it useful not only in my personal life, but also in my professional life.
Cheers.
Old fashioned
Hey,
I've recently come across several comments where you reference Sean Connery and Harrison ford as the epitome of raw sexiness. I was wondering if you could elaborate on this and why not the plethora of modern sex symbols, ie what makes them so different? Or if you could write an article on their appeal or a series on famous seducers/ role models I think that would be very interesting and relevant. Again just suggestions, I realize you are very busy. Thank you for this site!
Re: Old Fashioned
Byron-
Sure, just added it to the article queue.
I suppose I'd say I just haven't seen any more recent Hollywood sex symbols who do it for me.
I prefer a more rugged edge, but all the modern stars I can think of either fall into the 'pretty boy' bin (the guy who played Boone on Lost and is one I think it's True Blood now is a great example - very sexy, but really in a 'pretty boy' way... the type of kid who'd be as popular in a prison as he would among cute young coeds), or they're just the dumb jock brawns-but-no-brains type who have a rough edge but aren't especially charming (Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Hugh Jackman come the closest to breaking this mold, in my opinion - both are fairly charming/sexy, but they're not on par with a Connery or a Ford).
You've got guys like George Clooney and Brad Pitt, who try to close the distance, but they're both a little too much on the 'pretty boy' side for my taste. I can't imagine Pitt growling the way Ford does or Clooney smiling as wryly as Connery. Still, I think Pitt and Clooney are almost there, and perfectly good role models if they suit your taste.
But it's largely going to be down to how a guy wants to be seen. I know a lot of guys like Boone, so I don't want to trash him - it's a style that does do well with girls. Just a little too feminine for my own personal tastes.
Chase
Help needed to get back on track
Ok so there's a girl in the same athletic section as me (sprinting) in track and field that I find extremely adorable. My problem is that I'm only coming out of surgery recovery so I'm in bad shape and somewhat embarrassing myself daily cuz I flop in conditioning at times , also she seems to be interacting with her friends in rest periods , can't find a good method to approach because I can't see any openings. I'm just puzzled on the right way to tackle this predicament because I know I'll hate myself if I don't take this oppurtunity.
Yeah
I don't know much about Confucianism and Taoism but I do know that for the past 2-3 years I have constantly been feeling stuck and no matter how many self help books I read and no matter what system of planning, organization, time management, motivation I used nothing worked. Every time I tried using willpower to change something I would fail within weeks.
Only recently I started to realize that I have been stuck because I have been fighting against myself the whole time. Its like trying to open a door while pulling with your hand and pushing with your leg. Its kinda insane when you think about it.
Now I only need to figure out how to put ALL of myself into something and maybe I finally get somewhere. Man this success stuff is really pissing me off sometimes by how hard it is.
More articles like this
Hey Chase,
Great info here. You mentioned in the New Year article about how this site can't last if it's just you writing new stuff. But there's a plethora of topics you as a writer can cover, particularly articles along the lines of life issues, being efficient, and grabbing life by the horns.
This article is a great example, as is your article on depression. You have an amazing insight on how to solve problems and help people. I think many men want to improve not only in seduction, but in living life as men.
Please keep up these lifestyle-type articles. I love them and I always check them out.
Cheers,
Evan
Articles Like This
Evan-
Well, I meant more along the lines of “Chase will not be writing forever, so if the site only works so long as Chase is writing, the site only lasts so long as writing articles is the best use of Chase’s time.”
I do have plenty of ideas for how we can make the site outlast me, and hopefully exceed me, however. I’d be perfectly happy to have everyone forget who Chase Amante is if we can bring on guys that outclass me in providing value and who folks like better. But we’ll need to train them better and manage the content better than we previously have.
Re: motivational, I want to avoid venturing too far into the motivational sphere, since I see a lot of guys transition from pickup into the “life coach” role and it’s just a saturated market. I doubt there’s much I can add that Tony Robbins or Steve Pavlina haven’t already said a dozen times already, so I’d end up not adding a whole lot of value there.
That said, I’ll certainly continue to do lifestyle-type articles from time to time. They are a nice spice to add to the dish of dating and mating advice!
Chase
Losing her attention
Hey Chase,
I just posted a comment on your young man story that was related to this.
Ah, would have been much more relevant posting it here.
Thanks for the advice about changing and taking action.
As I approach, I eventually get exhausted and articles like these work as constant reminders :).
Re: Losing her attention
I approached, and directly opened.
She asked me what I said and I repeated. She smiled widely and said thank you.
She kept them out, and I followed up with "Going to anywhere exciting?" we chatted.
After a few words of exchange, she corrected me as I was relating incorrectly.
I continued to talk about the other school I was relating to her, which most likely killed her attention.
Moments of pauses, then she puts her earphone back in.
I reopen and she takes them off again.
And after chatting some more, she grew bored and she eventually started sighing as in "He doesn't get it".
Her answers were bland though, and any pressing led to "I'm not sure".
I asked about her job and free time but it didn't go anywhere.
I was tempted to talk about myself but she never asked me any questions even before I related incorrectly.
So stuck in a dilemma, you said, "Keep deep diving in one topic", but she wasn't giving much to keep dive deep apart from "I'm not sure, I just started the job; I just hangout nothing much." Conversation was stale. But she did try. I tested her by asking how what she does at her job, and she started listing things.
What do we do to keep her attention after opening?
Lawliet
Re: Losing Her Attention
Lawliet-
Just responded to another comment of yours re: conversation:
http://www.girlschase.com/comment/72505#comment-72505
I broke down some of the errors I noticed you were making in trying to deep dive.
My primary recommendation is you focus on getting good at basic conversation / small talk first, then move to deep diving after.
It's good that you're perceptive of the signs she's giving you: the "he doesn't get it" sigh, etc.
Think of it like this: women are only as interesting as you make them.
I hear a lot of guys talk about women being boring. I can talk to the same women these men talk to and make those women sound intensely interesting. It's not the woman's job to be interesting; it's your job to make her feel interesting.
That's a big part of the role of conversation. Making her feel like she's an interesting person. Everyone has something interesting about herself; can you find it and get her talking about it? That's the challenge.
Chase
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